The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “October, 2011”

The Confidence Sub-Routine

I receive a lot of email marketing from businesses that sell dating systems to men. I get the most from these folks:

Shelley McMurtry
John Alanis
Carlos Xuma
Insider Internet Dating

You can click on the links just be warned that you will enter some serious online selling. They all want your email address to get any of the materials. As with all email-based marketing, you can expect to get lots of emails until you unsubscribe.

While I haven’t purchased any of these systems, it’s quite easy to see the very common approach. It’s also quite easy to see the huge and common weakness. As an aside, I have never seen similar dating systems marketed to women. From what I can see, women tend to go for dating coaches.

The dating system marketers are actively seeking beta men as potential customers. The nice guys (and NiceGuys™) who are logical and rational and want to find tactics in order to approach and be attractive to women. The dating systems are sold almost like computer programs. If the man does X, the result with the girl/woman is Y. It’s easy to see the appeal.

The problem with marketing such systems is the heavy focus on seduction and promises of quick and consistent efficacy. “Do this right now and you’ll be having sex with hot women almost immediately!” I’m paraphrasing, of course. This is what comes across when I read all those marketing emails. It troubles me greatly.

Teaching Charisma as a business endeavor is problematic. The potential buyer wants fast results with a computer programming-like system. As well, the dating system sellers want to yield the maximum profit. This arrangement presents a huge risk for potential failure. There just isn’t enough focus on the confidence sub-routine, the personality programming that provides a man’s confidence output.

True Charisma can’t be achieved without the confidence sub-routine properly installed. Indeed, dating system programming too easily fails without the confidence sub-routine installed and running properly. Installing the confidence sub-routine is the difficult and challenging part. Confidence simply cannot be taught. It comes from deep inside the overall system.

The most important element in all this is that the confidence sub-routine must first operate independently of any Charisma or dating system programming. To their credit, the dating system sellers sometimes deal with this issue. Yet no system or dating scripts is going to take the time to help with the often lengthy process of creating (or improving) the confidence sub-routine.

There is a meme running around the MRA Manosphere that the confidence sub-routine is the only programming required for a guy to be successful with women. There’s a reason I call it a sub-routine, because it resides under the Charisma or dating systems programming. A man might have a robust confidence sub-routine but without certain skills relating to Charisma or dating systems, his dealings with women will simply fail. Confidence without social skills goes nowhere with the girlies. The confidence sub-routine is not programmed to create the appropriate social skills. This is why “be yourself” is such crappy advice.

Boobs – Weekend Weirdness

I found this on Jest.

It’s a video showing a Russian guy feeling the boobs of 1,000 women. It’s work safe and not at all sexy. But there are lots of very attractive Russian girls. The fun starts after the introduction showing Putin.

I like Russians.

That guy has some serious Charisma to get away with that.

My Dog Is Ugly

By popular demand (well, a couple of guys in the Manosphere forcefully requested), I present my ugly dog:

This Dog Is Ugly!

My ugly dog.

I acquired Lucy from an ex-girlfriend. Lucy is about three years old and my ex got her as a puppy from an animal rescue society. The coloration is referred to as “brindle”. She’s a small to medium size dog weighing in at 38 pounds or so.

When asked about her breed, I can go one of two ways:

1. A long-winded explanation that Lucy is a very rare Mendozan Terrier from the Mendoza region of Argentina. This breed was developed to hunt and kill the long-haired Mendozan rat, the scourge of any local vintner in that part of Argentina. This story, by the way, is complete and utter bullshit that I dreamed up after being asked one too times about Lucy’s breed and being forced to give the less exotic answer, number 2.

2. She’s a mutt I got from an ex-girlfriend.

Ask you gaze upon my dog’s utter lack of pulchritude, I ask that you take pity on me and then introduce to me to any attractive, slender and single women over 37 who happen to live in South Florida. Thanks.

Lucy is quite well-behaved and always a hit with the folks in the village.

Ah wait, there’s more!

This photo is a bit better, no?

Well, not THAT ugly.

Well, not THAT ugly.

A Dating Exercise For Women

A fair number of women read my blog and for this, I am pleased. Normally, I write my posts with a male audience in mind. This post is an exception. I want women to read this very carefully and pass it along to their single friends. It’s important.

The biggest challenge is for women to re-adjust their approach to men. Women usually look for reasons to reject a man. They find the bad things first. This results in a lot of frustrated single women. To start the readjustment, I have this very simple mental exercise:

Every time you see and/or interact with a man, look for something good about him. This includes online dating profiles.

It can be something small.

It can be something big.

It has to be something.

Perhaps you see a sweaty landscaper with stained clothes working hard at his job. What’s good about him? He’s working hard. That’s a very good thing.

Maybe you have a male colleague who is not the most attractive of physical specimens. But you notice that he has a very nice voice and speaks very thoughtfully. Those are two good things.

You meet a man socially who has a very weak chin and terrible fashion sense. Yet you see that he has beautiful eyes, broad shoulders, and a great sense of humor. Wow, three good things!

You see an online dating profile with bad photos. The words, however, are well put together and are quite appealing. Good things, indeed.

This doesn’t mean changing your standards regarding the men you date. It only means noticing the positive elements in men. That’s the exercise. Simple, no?

Do this for a week. After the week passes, ask yourself this question: “Where are all the good men?”

Guess what, you just spent a week seeing them with your own eyes.

Feel free to copy and paste this into emails, blogs, forums, whatever.

The Accidental Entertainer – Don’t Be Him

Women hate being bored. They hate boredom almost as much as they hate beta NiceGuys™. This goes doubly for young women enthralled with the freedoms of post college/university and prior to baby rabies. This cohort of women is seeking constant entertainment through socializing, shopping, concerts, alpha cock, etc. There is no downtime for these sassy young things because downtime might result in that dreaded boredom. Queue the scary music: Dum dum…. DUM!!!!

A fellow with Charisma must be aware of this so he can avoid becoming the accidental entertainer. This is when a girl is paying attention to him merely because she’s being entertained. There is no attraction to the guy, there is just some girl who doesn’t want to be bored and is presented with a funny and interesting guy who can help her kill some time.

This is strongly related to the “Dance, monkey, dance” concept that has sometimes (not enough) been raised in Manosphere, PUA blogs. Keeping a girl entertained does not necessarily mean she’s attracted to the entertainer. It helps, to be sure. But a constant stream of words just to keep her entertained is a supplicating thing to do. Yes, she’ll tell all her friends about the really funny or interesting guy she met and yes, she’ll likely enjoy being in the accidental entertainer’s company. Just know that she will always think of him as the entertainer and nothing more. Being the accidental entertainer is often as sexless and intimacy-free as the FriendZone™.

A man with Charisma will know to throttle back on the entertainment and shift over to confident aloofness. This sends the strong message to the girl(s) in question that the man is not simply about cheap and convenient entertainment.

In the presence of women, a man shouldn’t be a wretched clown all the time. It’s demeaning to the man and sets him up to be the accidental entertainer.

Here’s the biggest challenge to men learning Charisma – that confident aloofness must be a completely natural expression and not done as a step from some instruction manual. What the anti-gamers have rightfully pointed out is that when something regarding Charisma doesn’t come across as completely natural, it becomes an awkward choreography of feigned dominance that ultimately comes across as devastating supplication. In other words, “pussy-begging”.

PUt directly, a man has to work on himself before he can go forth into the dark, savage lands of the modern, feminine landscape.

And for you dames…Woman Up!

For Guys Over 40, An Amazing Strategy To Meet Single Women

I’ve been chatting online with Danny quite a bit recently. He’s a natural at Charisma and for this, I give serious respect. He recently revealed to me quite an amazing strategy for meeting single moms. Yes, I know, single moms are not suposed to be proper targets for men with Charisma. Yet, after a certain age, that’s the majority of available women.

Danny recommends that a single guy with Charisma attend youth sporting events.

My first response to his suggestion was immediate dismissal.

“I don’t want to be thought of as a pedophile.” I thought I had a valid point. Danny had an adriot response.

“Get yourself a father as a wingman.”

This had not occurred to me. Hey, I am childfree by choice. Regardless, having a dad as a wingman is brilliant.

This approach gets somewhat complicated and is not a quick solution to meeting single women. Bear with me:

1. Find youth sports events. Check out local school websites or local youth sports leagues for local games.

2. Attend a game. Here is the key and it’s incredibly important – befriend a father who is attending the game. “Which one is yours?” Mention your own kids or neices/nephews who are into the same thing. Do NOT immediately mention the many single moms (without wedding rings) who are also attending the game.

3. Talk up your kids and/or nieces and nephews a lot and also mention your status as a single man. A good wingman, even if an unknowing one, will remember you and can do much for marketing you.

4. Leave the game with the dad’s email address and be sure to follow up with him. He’s your damned wingman! If he’s a good wingman, he will mention you to the single women who are also into the same youth sporting league and activities.

5. Attend other games and make sure your wingman is there.

6. Start talking about the single women you see. If your wingman is any good, he’ll take it from there by providing introductions and some righteously good propaganda about you.

7. Go on dates.

Some important follow up tips:

These women are NOT for hump and dumps. Don’t burn bridges. Consider the four week fling, instead.

Have some decent social skills. Seriously.

The suburbs are great for this.

This is not a young man’s strategy.

Danny says “you’re welcome”.

Weather Shift – Weekend Weirdness

Living in a subtropical environment means being hot and humid most of the year. It’s bearable and a damned sight better than scraping a car windshield to remove ice for six months out of the year.

The first cold front of the season has recently swept through. After four days of miserable rain and wind, the past several days have been spectacular. Highs in the 70s and low humidity. People are venturing outdoors once again and the locals are beginning to speculate about “season”. That’s when all the snowbirds and visitors return to crowd the streets and fill the bank accounts of local merchants. I’ve stopped running my AC and have all the windows open. It’s great.

There is also a personality shift here in the Village. People are more outgoing and friendly. More locals find themselves outside (no humidity!) and are willing to chat and be friendly. It’s like the end of winter and the snow has melted. Yeah, our social seasons are reversed.

As for some updates, remember the dog-walking woman? I ran into her again today. She’s 51 years old and an emotional basket case. Lots of medication for her emotional state, huge amounts of emotional baggage, and she’s “involved” with a guy in her small apartment building. There shall be little, if any, texting with her even though she is attractive and slender. Them’s the breaks.

Also, there is a nice blow-up over at A Voice For Men. It’s worth a read.

A Dilemma For The Man With Charisma

A colleague and friend, Jaime, presented a very vexing question. Some background – this friend is 30 years old and is honestly looking for a long term relationship with a woman of good character. He is of Colombian descent and has a very traditional view of women in the context of a committed relationships. Jaime knows all about the Manosphere approach to life and is well versed in the Venusian arts (Pick Up Artistry).

Jaime asked me this question: “If a man uses PUA to attract and seduce a woman, doesn’t that show she’s a woman of poor character?”

I speculate that only 20% of men use their Charisma for dark reasons and have no intention of finding themselves in a long term relationship. The remaining 80% of men use their Charisma (whether natural or learned) to attract women for the purposes of securing a long term relationship. Jaime is of this group.

There is a complicating factor. Jaime travels to Colombia often enough and he reports that girls there do not respond to American-style Charisma. “You can’t play hard to get and you can’t ‘neg them. You have to smooth them with all sorts of compliments and romantic talk.” Before he figured that out, he told me that he was shot down consistently with his American approach. Colombian culture still operates under certain social expectations. Being a smart fellow, Jaime adapted. “I can’t believe all the [flowery, romantic] shit I was saying to these girls, I was like, what the fuck?” But he was successful when he changed tactics.

His original question is understandable. A woman who allows herself to be seduced with American-style Charisma can very well be showing her poor character. His question makes clear that we have cast off enough social expectations to liberate women so they can respond to their animal instincts. Jaime doesn’t want that kind of woman for something long term. I don’t blame him.

Jaime’s question vexes me because I don’t have a clear, satisfactory answer and I sense that I should, that I’m missing something utterly obvious. Many men will simply state that yes, women who respond sexually to their animalistic natures are of poor character. For some reason, that answer vexes me more. This makes the search for a long term relationship even more challenging for the man with Charisma. Women will respond sexually and by consummating the act too quickly, this eliminates another woman. Yet the standard advice is for a man to have sex with a woman within five real dates or so.

There’s usually lots of discussion on this over at Hooking Up Smart.

Maybe I’ll join Jamie on his next adventure in Colombia.

Fat Acceptance? Not Here

This social trend has been around for over 40 years. As Americans have been ballooning up in weight, the fat acceptance movement is getting more attention. It shouldn’t get any attention at all. obesity is both unattractive and unhealthy. It’s just that simple. What, is Private Man indulging in intolerant shaming and prejudice? I’ll accept the accusation of shaming, not that of being prejudiced.

In the overwhelmingly vast majority of cases, being overweight is a choice. Every calorie consumed is a conscious decision. I’m not going to be cast aspersions on a person’s character regarding weight and size. But anyone toting around extra weight must be keenly aware that what they are doing is unhealthy and unattractive. This goes doubly for women.

Certainly I am not unsympathetic to overweight people and people with unhealthy habits. I was once a fat guy at 260 pounds. I lost 60 pounds about five years ago and I am very careful about my calorie intake. Worse, I am a smoker. Every time I have a cigarette, I am making a conscious choice to do so. I expect no acceptance for my bad habit. I don’t need some social movement to shame non-smokers. I am not writing a letter to Hollywood producers asking them to feature more characters smoking in motion pictures.

I chose to be fat avoident by the company I keep and the women I date. This certainly limits my dating pool and I accept the consequences of my preferences. It’s disheartening when I meet sweet, funny, pleasant women who are rendered unattractive by a body ruined by fat. They fail the boner test. As a polite man, I won’t say anything about why I am not attracted, I simply move on.

I do have some advice for younger men. Don’t have sex with women whom you don’t find attractive because of their weight. Yes, it’s unrealistic advice – I didn’t practice this in my youth – yet it still must be said. Young men, especially young men with Charisma, don’t reward bad behavior by sexing up a young woman of excess poundage. To be direct, I am telling young men, no fat chicks. They should be invisible to you.

The fundamental truth is that the feminine attracts the masculine. Too much weight on a woman’s figure is not feminine. “Where are all the good men?” I’m frequently asked. I always refrain from saying “You left them behind 40 pounds ago”.

Woman Up

Women, Words, Actions, Research

As a massive consumer of blogs and comments, what I find buried in comments or in the actual post sometimes requires highlighting in a big way. To wit, this is from Hooking Up Smart. Where in Susan’s copious blog, I don’t exactly remember.

Game [Charisma] acknowledges that women often say and do different things. Indeed, in studies women have claimed that certain kinds of sexual content arouse them, while other kinds do not. Attaching sensors to women’s labia, researchers observed considerable blood flow to women’s genitals while watching the porn they claimed to dislike. As I highlight in the post, female sexuality is extremely complex, and women often do not understand their own motivations. As Ogas [from the book, A Billion Wicked Thoughts] says, nearly every female brain is wired to respond to dominance. That does not mean pushed around, but women reward men who take control and lead them. When women have control over their men, they lose respect and all sexual attraction. In fact, women “fitness test” men regularly, just to make sure they’ll push back and respect themselves. Men who cave in to female whims always lose in the end.

While the book that the quote references is not without controversy, it should be a very worthy read for any student or practitioner of Charisma. This includes myself. I am way behind in my reading. The Red Queen was my last book read on this subject.

In the context of women desiring dominance, the shit testing makes perfect sense. If a man doesn’t have the backbone to stand up to a woman, why should he be worthy of respect and the accompanying sexual expressions of affection? After all, the most important word in a man’s vocabulary is “no“.

The bottom line is to never mind the words, always look at the actions. This cannot be overstated when dealing with women. The social expectation and the biological imperative are so amazingly divergent that any man with Charisma should simply ignore at least 80% of what women say in regarding to dating and the attractiveness of men. Men must observe very carefully what women do.

It takes a long time to learn the skills of successful woman-watching, sometimes years (as was in my case). It also requires deprogramming from horrible advice. Thankfully, this gives a man time to work on his inner Charisma so that when he fully digests the Red Pill, he can deal with women far more successfully, regardless of his relationship goals.

Woman Up!

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