The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “July, 2012”

Charisma Travels Light (Guest post from LostSailor)

LostSailor is a tremendously talented commenter on quite a few blogs. I asked if he wanted to post on my blog as a guest and he gracefully agreed. What follows below is his first post… his first of many, I hope.

Developing Charisma or “inner-Game” is increasingly essential for a man to achieve the success he wants while dating in the currently Darwinian sexual market place (SMP). The pickup artistry (PUA) parts of the Manosphere provide tips, tricks, scripts, and routines for beginners who are just becoming aware that they need more in their arsenal than average looks and showering once a day. The Game blogs elevate and broaden those concepts into an overall way of living consistent with continuing to suppress or eliminate beta tendencies and making alpha traits part of your life.

But Charisma, I think, is more than that. Properly understood, Charisma isn’t just about a way of living, but a way of thinking and being. If a man can develop his Game to the extent that he no longer has to consciously think about his interactions with women while still being successful, he has found true Charisma. Think of it as Zen-Game.

Now, the fact that we’re in the Manosphere and reading about all this makes it unlikely that we’re going to become bodhisattvas of Game, but one of the keys to Charisma starts with some self-examination. The Manosphere echoes with laments about women who are bitter and critical, the “head-cases” who come with too much baggage. And while it’s true, it’s also true that the ladies express the same lament about men. Men’s rights activists (MRAs) and beta men complain about the unfairness of the SMP, about the lopsided legal landscape of the divorce regime and family courts, about the societal pressure to “man-up” in a culture that denigrates the masculine, but they are sabotaging themselves in the SMP by perpetuating emotional responses to the facts of our feminized era. Charisma does not complain.

Most of us have had the “ah-ha!” moment when we first discovered the Red Pill. I believe my reaction was a common one, one that mirrors the Kubler-Ross stages of grieving. Denial, anger, depression (link below). And it very much is like grieving, grieving for believing the lies, the lost time, broken relationships, or years of involuntary celibacy.

The truth is, we all come with baggage, whether it’s duffel, a steamer trunk, or a packing crate. The Charismatic man has learned how to open the suitcase and unpack it. He has emptied out the Dopp-kit of anger, the garment-bag of bitterness, and the travel-case of frustration. He no longer needs them.

The beta is constantly hampered by dragging around a Hefty sack of unresolved issues. The Charismatic man travels light.

Kübler-Ross model


The recent tragic events in Colorado have revealed the depths of heroic actions that a man will automatically give to women. Three men lost their lives by literally taking a bullet for their respective girlfriends. Three men are dead, their girlfriends are alive (link below). While these are extreme cases, it points to an element of female privilege that is all around us. Sometimes its manifested as chivalry, sometimes as “helping a woman out” White Knighting. But it all boils down to one word:


In non-work environments (though I have seen it in the workplace, too), men tend to defer to women. For too many guys, it’s a reflex. It’s that deference that leads men to ask “so what do you want to do?” for a first date. It’s that deference which prevents men from showing some backbone and strength when dealing with women. It’s that deference that leads men to complete heroic acts even for women who are strangers. Even smacking an offensive and vile creature like Snooki causes men to immediately jump to her defense all because she’s female and for no other reason.

Deference is all about female privilege and it’s so much assumed that even feminists guard it ferociously. Consider this juicy quote from Amanda Marcotte in a comment to a male reader (link below):

Women’s need to be safe comes first, James, Full stop.

This is her strident call for maintaining female privilege. I think this is why feminists are so threatened by men questioning this social status quo. It’s the potential loss of men’s deference to women. Of course, they will lay down a thick and barely-logical smokescreen of victimhood that, in the past, worked pretty well. Should the smokescreen prove ineffective, insults are the inevitable: “Stop whining”, “You’re just bitter”, “You can’t get laid”. No cupcake, your fear is showing.

But the men have gathered in the back and have started discussing this rotten state of social affairs for the masculine gender. We’re starting to learn that we’ve been duped, that deference to women is working against men. Be it the FriendZone®, excoriated for being NiceGuys®, and general invisibility to women, the guys who keep deferring to women are learning to knock off that bullshit. Women are indeed human beings, not automatically worthy of deferring to. As well, deferring to a woman with some magical expectation of getting something in return actually works against men. That’s the NiceGuys® crap and needs to be addressed with a healthy dose of Charisma.

Ironically, Charisma tells us that such deference actually works against a man’s effort at attracting the opposite sex. A man taking the lead and showing strength may not be about expressing deference, but it sure does make a man more attractive to women, especially the feminist types. Reflex deference to women can only be cured by the bitter medicine of the Red Pill and it takes time and effort. But when the urge to automatically defer to women finally stops, it’s sweetly liberating and rewarding.

Returning to the Colorado tragedy, The three young men did what they felt they must as the bullets flew and chaos reigned. Imagine how we would respond if three women died in the same manner protecting their boyfriends. Perhaps the mainstream media will start to see masculinity as something positive and beneficial in this world and that male deference to women can save women’s lives. One more thing, are you listening, feminists?

Three heroes died in Aurora taking bullets for their girlfriends

Amanda Marcotte Urges Men To Learn Game!

The Octomom Interlude (Guest Post With Photo)

What follows below is a guest post from Kurt Green, a friend and colleague who spent the time and money to see Octomom “perform” at a local strip joint here in South Florida. This guest post is the most detailed coverage of her performance available on the Internet. Suck it Miami Herald!

I saw Octomom naked and all I got was this lousy t-shirt
By Kurt Green

In mid-June, I heard Nadya Suleman, AKA Octomom, was going to get mostly naked at a strip club a little more than a month later in July. I try to make an effort to ignore pseudo-celebrities, but it’s hard to not pay attention to someone as deranged as Octomom, especially when you hear she’s going to take her clothes off. Octomom represents the kind of cultural phenomenon we struggle out of embarrassment to explain to future generations like big hair or the Army-McCarthy Hearings. We’ll tell the kids, “Yea that was something that existed back in my day. We knew it was messed up but I’m not sure why we let it go on for so long.”

In case you’re fortunate enough to be unaware, Suleman gained international notoriety when she gave birth to octuplets in January 2009. Eight more children on top of the 6 she already had, who she supported through public assistance since she was unemployed. She had the octuplets after requesting that the 6 remaining frozen embryos be implanted in her so they wouldn’t be destroyed, and a former fertility specialist named Michael Kamrava actually did it. Two of the embryos split into twins resulting in 8 embryos. When put like this, it sounds like some kind of pulp science fiction premise about a world out of control and a woman with too many kids, but I assure you, it’s a true story.

When I found out, I immediately sent the article to my friend, Denton. He laughed, and then asked as seriously as you can in an instant message, “So we’re going right?” Of course we were going because the folks I run around with like fucked up shit, we think it’s funny. Octomom represents one of the great “Fucked up Shit” wonders of our culture and modern age. A real life cartoon character taking a role in the terrible stories that play out on the pages of trashy tabloids in the checkout line at the grocery store, on garbage TV shows which imitate the news programs that probably confuse the less intelligent in our society about where they should be focusing their attention.

A few weeks later, the news changed, a bartender at the strip club had told a reporter that she thought Suleman was crazy, to which Octomom retorted by backing out of the deal. We were all pretty bummed out about it.

But then, a week before her previously scheduled appearance news came out that the original strip club was suing Octomom (which wasn’t a surprise) and that they were trying to get an emergency injunction to prevent her from stripping at a different club in Hollywood (Fl). It was that second tidbit, buried in the fifth or sixth graph that caught my attention. I told Denton that it was on again. And so we went.

This is where I tell you to fasten your seat belt, because it’s going to be a strange and gross ride.

There were 7 of us. It was past 11 when we arrived at the strip club in Hollywood. Jack had called a few days to find out when this thing would happen: 11pm and 1 am. The price to enter the strip club and participate in an event of this magnitude was $10.

We entered the club and I realized almost immediately that it may be the worst strip club I’d ever been to, and I strive to be an aficionado of dive bars and shitty strip clubs. It felt a little larger than a 2-car garage, and there were three stages crammed into this place: a main stage, an “owners’ box” a few feet behind, and a small “vip” side stage by a smaller bar in the back corner. Believe me, this place was a shit hole.

The strippers did smile, but not in the sexy/sultry way, rather in a 200,000 miles, broiled over hard, defeated kind of way. The place was thick with people, but I got the vibe many didn’t seem to be there to actually see Octomom. Maybe the real thoroughfare came through for the 11pm show, I heard the local news was there for that one, but the people who remained seemed like they just happened to go to a strip club where Octomom happened to be stripping.

And so we waited. We drank and gave one dollar bills to the strippers, we laughed and joked about our expectations in seeing Octomom mostly naked, but every once in a while, for just a brief moment, I’d catch eyes with one of my friends and there was a moment of sincerity like we both silently agree that this is going to be fucked up and awkward.

As with most DJs, the guy at this club would not shut the fuck up. “We got Octomom coming up in a little bit,” he said in that irritating tone they all speak with. “Once again gentlemen, no photos of Octomom, if we see you taking photos you will be escorted out, possibly nicely, possibly not.” He then announced that if you wanted a picture, you could get one with Octomom, “just go on back by the VIP stage.”

So I walked around the stage to the other side of the club, half expecting some exorbitant fee to get a picture with a mother of 14. There was no line, just a giant bald bouncer behind a velvet rope. I asked him how much it cost to get a picture and he said “$20.”

I pulled out my wallet and said, “Okay.” He said it would be a minute.

I smoked a cigarette while I waited, I thought about if I’d make a face for the picture, if I’d tell Suleman I think her head looks like a crescent moon, I wondered if I was seriously fucking doing this. It was kind of surreal, here’s this lady who has to garner some kind of attention because she’s on TMZ and in gossip magazines often, but for what? Having 14 kids or 8 at once? Not having the common sense or personal responsibility to figure out how to support the kids she’s going to have through in vitro fertilization? Being a fame whore? And soon I’d be in close quarters with this lady.

A few minutes later, a couple of blond girls come out from behind the curtain of a private dance room, “Ready?” the bouncer asked.

I put out my cigarette and said, “I guess.”

I was led into the small private dance room behind the rope. The room was crowded with all sorts of bags and cases, Octomom seemed to have taken it as her nest. I recognized her immediately, although she was a shorter than I imagined (adjusting for stripper heels). She was wearing a leather get-up, high boots, short skirt, and bra. I thought I’d wax on poetically about how I was Icarus flying too close to the sun, ironically. But the truth is, if you passed her on the street you couldn’t tell she’s made some real fucking poor life decisions seemingly without any kind of reason and put 14 kids in a real weird and not entirely safe position. I realized I had nothing to say to her, the same way I have nothing to say to a regular person on the street that I have no real interest in – I certainly would tell them their face looked like a crescent moon, even if it did.

“Hi, what’s your name?” she said.
“Kurt,” I responded.
“Hi Kurt, I’m Nadya.”
“Oh, I know.”

The photographer in the corner broke the silence following my statement, “OK, here’s the deal: 20 for a picture, 40 for topless, and 200 for a PRIVATE friction dance.”

I gagged at the thought of the last part, “20 is fine.”

He snapped a picture, and in the flash of the camera I realized there was no overarching moral to life, just sad people doing sad shit. Somehow a few people do monumentally stupid shit and a lot of people complain and say it’s all fucked up, but other people watch and get some sort of enjoyment out of it. I think these reactions are coping mechanisms for something everyone knows isn’t right, but no one really what (or even if) there’s anything they can really do about it. And it’s not just Octomom, it’s the Kardashians, it’s Paris Hilton, it’s a constant stream celebrity gossip in every form of media, about people no one should aspire to be or remotely respect – the worst role models imaginable. But for some reason people pay attention, take their advice on weight loss and how to maintain a healthy relationship. There is more going on here than morbid curiosity for this kind of shit to still exist in its ubiquitous quantities. It’s like the Blob: there’s no containing it, no escape (I don’t have cable and still somehow know who these people are). I think this kind of media will have serious societal and cultural consequences if enough people think the behavior of pseudo-celebrities on TMZ and in the National Enquirer is the kind of stuff you should pay attention to.

He handed me the picture and said, “If there’s any problems just let me know and we’ll retake it, just make sure to bring the picture with you.” And with that, I paid and left.

I passed the pictures to my friends, we had a good laugh. I told them what happened and explained we should all chip in and draw a straws, the “winner” (heavy emphasis on the quotes) would get the mother of 14 friction dance. Unfortunately (or fortunately), we never did that.

We drank more, and the strippers did their thing, and the DJ was annoying.

You know how prior to a disaster there are subtle occurrences, like pets freaking out before an earthquake or the ocean receding before a Tsunami? In much the same way there was a subtle indicator when a blond female photographer began setting up a camera on the other side of the stage. There she was – standing by her camera, not looking at the stage, and appearing very uncomfortable – a clear indicator of an impending disaster. Later, on the way out, I’d ask her what she thought about the situation and she’d say it was her first time at a strip club.

As 1am approached, the DJ made more frequent announcements about how taking pictures was strictly prohibited. And then it happened.

Octomom came out in a school girl outfit: red heels, white thigh-highs, a short red plaid skirt, and a buttoned blouse that was tied at the bottom under her breasts. Watching her flail around on stage gave me the distinct impression she had never stripped before, not even in private. She grabbed the pole and kind of walked around it, shaking her hips in a manner that might be considered dancing. She worked the audience, getting down on her hands and knees at the edge of the stage.

During the act she reached into her panties and pulled out a blow-pop. We laughed at the absurdity and grossness of the act, we laughed harder when the guy she handed tried to not take it and after he finally did he just put it on the table. We were hysterical when someone actually put one in their mouth. When she went to the other side of the stage and got low, her skirt flew up a little and you could see all the lollipop sticks poking out from her underwear. She must have had a dozen of them stuffed in her panties and bra.

She awkwardly removed her clothes; it was as if someone else had dressed her because she didn’t know how to get out of them, which caused her “dancing” to be even more out of rhythm with the music.

Octomom seems like the kind of woman who spends a lot of time obsessing over her body in front of a mirror, as she’s had a lot of work on the front, but the back is a different story. Her ass cheeks hung the way grandma boobs do, the small of her back was this weird gelatinous wasteland. My friends and I were confused trying to figure out if she had a bellybutton or not.

At one point, when Octomom was down to her panties, a hipster girl who she had given a lollipop to fed it back to the mother of 14 and then put it back in her mouth. I’d like to think that was the defining moment in that girl’s life, and that she’ll divide her life as ‘Before’ and ‘After’ she shared a blow-pop with Octomom in a shitty strip club in south Broward county.

As Octomom “danced” and got low and crawled around the stage, her white thigh-highs got progressively dirtier, midway through her set the knees were brown like they’d be left in a confined place with a chain smoker. It wasn’t sexy, it wasn’t even appealing. We wanted to write her kids names on our dollars, but they don’t give out pens at strip clubs. Instead we threw our money hoping that it might be going into a college fund.

Towards the end of her set, she started throwing t-shirts to the crowd; she danced around with them and flossed them between legs. She threw one to me since we being particularly vocal, it said, “I saw Octomom naked;” I thought, ‘and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.’ It turned out to be an extra-large, so I gave it to my friend Steve, who wanted one. The next day he told me, out of the dim light of the strip club, it was kind of dirty and some of the stuff on the shirt looked like shit.

About 12 minutes after it all started, it was suddenly over. People clapped and hollered. No more than 200 crumbled dollar bills where collected into a basket, Octomom was ushered back to her nest.

A while later, after doing the normal strip club thing we left, there weren’t any paparazzi outside, just the two photographers who worked for Octomom, that’s probably where most of the pictures of her in the gossip magazines come from, or maybe she wants some pictures to put in the family photo album. We had taken two cars, my friends in the other car told me she came out with a jacket over her head and her photographers took pictures while she got in the backseat of a car and left.

And that was it. I’m certainly not a better person for seeing what I’ve seen, there was no grand enlightenment moment, but it’s something I won’t forget. Fame-whoredom is a serious issue in our culture and I witnessed it firsthand. There were probably robberies, murders, and missing kids on that Friday night in South Florida, there were probably more important things to cover in the lead up to the event too, but local news agencies covered a mother of 14 taking her clothes off for money. Rome is burning and I don’t think there’s anything we can do about it, so sit back and enjoy the show.

[I’ll be poolside – Ed.]

What Men Want

Imagine a woman a singing this:

I am a sucker for the female singing voice. Hayley Westenra, oh my.

(While the video sucks, the sound isn’t so bad)

In the morning when you rise
I bless the sun, I bless the skies
I bless your lips, I bless your eyes
My blessing goes with you

In the nighttime when you sleep
Oh I bless you while a watch I keep
As you lie in slumber deep
My blessing goes with you

This is my prayer for you
There for you, ever true
Each, every day for you
In everything you do

And when you come to me
And hold me close to you
I bless you
And you bless me, too

When your weary heart is tired
If the world would leave you uninspired
When nothing more of love’s desired
My blessing goes with you

When the storms of life are strong
When you’re wounded, when you don’t belong
When you no longer hear my song
My blessing goes with you

This is my prayer for you
There for you, ever true
Each, every day for you
In everything you do

And when you come to me
And hold me close to you
I bless you
And you bless me, too

I bless you
And you bless me, too

The Comments Make The Blog

I am continually stunned by the thoughtful and well-written comments that my blog garners. This is from AnonWriter:

Women have been brainwashed their entire lives about what they’re supposed to want, and they’ve fully bought into it all. Over and over again, women will tell men what they ‘want’, and it’s no surprise that men have come to believe what women are telling them. It’s in magazines, TV shows, movies, websites, everywhere. There does exist a handful of men in this world who realize, however, that what a woman says about what she wants and what a woman really wants are often two completely different things.

Now, what happens when such a woman receives everything that she thinks and says she wants? She feels strangely unhappy and unfulfilled, and this confuses. It’s confusing to others around her also. After all, she has everything she (or any other woman) could have ever ‘wanted’. However, when you recognize the effects of social programming on women, the unhappiness makes complete sense: she is out of touch with her own needs and, as a result, her man isn’t supplying what she really needs in their relationship. This is not the man’s fault, because she (and society) have constantly fed him bad information, day after day, year after year, about his responsibilities and what her needs are supposed to be.

So what does the man do in the face of his woman’s unhappiness? He tries even harder to please his woman. He keeps doing what didn’t work before, and he does it with even more vigor. And what does this have the effect of doing? It makes him even more undesirable, probably even repugnant to her. She doesn’t understand it, so she chalks it up to love being lost or some other rationalization. The man feels lost and frustrated – he feels like he’s done everything right, given her everything she’s ever wanted, and this is the result? The relationship ends, but all is not lost because this is his watershed moment – when he is finally capable of seeing some truth in the world.

I guess it all boils down to one thing: the human condition does not change just because a group of people want it to change.

Social expectations… oh, how we are all screwed up.

Honesty From An Unlikely Place

As I don’t own a television so I read a great number of blogs. Of course I read many of the Manosphere blogs. I also read blogs written by women and those that cater to women, even the “mass market” blogs. So I’m over at Jezebel (no link from me!) reading a column written by a particularly loathsome fellow who is a well-known for penning misandrist opinion pieces (again, no link from me!). This particular column wasted a lot of words castigating men, as the writer consistently does.

In the comments section I expected the same echo-chamber mentality with too many readers singing the praises of the misandric notions in the column. Rather, I found this incredibly honest statement:

I am a woman. I am an occasionally over-emotional, over-reacting woman. Throughout my teenage years I constantly destroyed healthy relationships by being mean, deceitful, self-absorbed and down-right manipulative, and the boys and friends I was involved with were left hurt.

One of the BEST THINGS about my husband is he tells me, flat out, when I’m being a bitch/crazy person and won’t tolerate it. He never does this self-deprecating thing, but I do not believe his ‘gaslighting’ is a manipulative tool. If he didn’t do it, I would spend a whole lot more time being angry or crazy, and that would be shit.

I know many women. A lot of them are actually fucking crazy, like me. A lot if them are (at times) jealous, needy, over-emotional, irrational, bitchy and immature. I know their partners and I hope to God those men have the spine to tell them so.

But I am not so hopeful, and here’s why:

I am a teacher, and I work in an all boy’s school. I am doing my masters in boy’s education. At my school, Mothers are not allowed to attend parent teacher nights, because teachers found when they did, Mothers talked over Fathers who were answering targeted questions:
“so Mr X, how often do you and Tom spend time together?”
” Well… We read the paper together on-”
“Ha! You haven’t done that in weeks, you just play that stupid Wii together”.
They would also frequently put down their husbands and sons in front of others and generally micro-manage everything. But everyone is too scared to tell the woman to SHUT UP because that would be totally misogynistic.

So the son grows up with a controlling, overbearing Mum, who is constantly cranky, unimpressed, over-emotional, yelling at him. Then he meets a girl who behaves like that, as she has a puffed up sense of entitlement thanks to some feminists decades ago. She reads Jezebel and truly believes that if he ever suggests she may be over reacting about anything, or is down on himself, then he is manipulating her, the bastard. This lovely young man ends up in a shit relationship with an empty wallet because HE’S the oppressor.

Ridiculous. Everyone just needs to treat each other with respect and honesty, WOMEN INCLUDED.

And p.s. I do more housework than my husband does, because although we both work full-time, he works on average 10hrs more than me a week and earns twice as much as me. He would help out more if I asked him to, but I can see that for this to be an EQUAL relationship, I should take care of the home instead of spouting ‘recent studies’ about how he’s a shit human because I don’t like cleaning our toilet.

It could be argued that this comment was written by someone familiar with the Manosphere. It might have been written by a sock puppet (link below). It hits almost too many of the common Manosphere themes such as the bossy and domineering woman, schools being bad for boys, female entitlement, etc. Regardless, the comment is excellent.

In a follow-up comment, the author of the quote above had this to say:

However, a boy will never be a man if he is just following orders from a woman (his mother and one day a wife), he needs to independently step up to the expectations of positive male role models.

That’s amazing.

Sock puppet


Who Pays? (Short Post)

I’ve been reading a lot about the issue of who pays for the date. I argue that the man pays for the first date. I never really had a good, solid reason for that until I was reading something over at HuffPo in the Women’s pages.

The host always pays.

Yeah, that’s why the man always pays. He does the inviting – most always for first dates – so he does the paying. But can anyone spot the hypocrisy that Strong and Independent Women® usually fall blindly into for the second, third, and fourth dates?

Yeah, they seldom do the inviting. To put it rudely – on dates, it seems far more easy for a woman to open her legs than to open her wallet.

Carry on with your bad selves.

Comfort And Charisma

My readers and commenters have much wisdom. In a couple of comments on a recent post about my hit and miss relationship experience (link below), LostSailor expanded quite nicely on the concept of emotional comfort in the context of Charisma. His two comments are long but well worth the read. My further remarks are below his comments.

TPM, if your heart is truly harder than diamonds, you wouldn’t just be dumping women, you’d be dumping them in the Everglades. Someone with a heart harder than diamonds is either a sociopath, a psychopath, or both. I think you are neither.

But it’s clear that both your history and your Charisma have outfitted your heart with a fine set of plate armor over chain mail. Whether you want to leave openings for women is up to you, but if you want to keep knocking boots with these women for more than a month or so, regardless of whether there is a real LTR in the offing, you’ll have to stop failing at Step 7.

The key is that women need to “sense” some emotional vulnerability, whether there is actual emotional vulnerability there or not is irrelevant. It is possible to exude Charisma through every pore and still maintain a window of vulnerability into the heart, though it be guarded by Cerberus itself.

When we’ve got a woman firmly in the glare of the spotlight of our Charisma, she’s going to be constantly off-kilter. Of course we want the hamster to keep his pace, but at some point she needs reassurance–or comfort–that she’s engaged your emotions, too. Without this, the hamster is going to spin in a dark direction. But even here, the hamster is your friend and ally. Even if you don’t want an LTR, and just want to keep the river of lovin’ flowing on your terms, you need to engage the hamster by throwing in just the right amount of vulnerability.

The classics are, for example, talk briefly about your childhood trauma in losing a dog, which is why you’re so attached to Lucy. Or allude to the heartache you had with an ex after a breakup and how your current squeeze reassures you (most effective post-coitus). These are moments that feed her hamster tasty kibble that will make it your friend. What’s that line from the Sheryl Crow song (the ex played it a lot): “Lie to me, I promise I’ll believe…” (Come to think of it, that whole song is about a woman begging, pleading to be gamed.)

Of course, as you know Athol recommends, that in a LTR, a mixture of Alpha Charisma must be leavened by some Beta vulnerability. This works for dating, too. Think of how much yeast is used to leaven a loaf.

I’ve been using it more and more effectively, and this year the dating success has been increasing. I’m not necessarily looking for the LTR, but the multi-night romps are becoming more frequent. The true Vulnerability Game vibe is, “yes, I can be sensitive, but only on my terms.” Perhaps a better term would be Charismatic Comfort….

That’s an excellent term, “Charismatic Comfort”. The downside is all the emotional energy required to maintain such a balance. Such an expenditure of energy leads to this dark question, “Are women even worth it any more?” I know quite a few Manosphereans who will answer that question with a resounding “No!”

LostSailor continues with a follow up comment:

To amplify a little bit, I’m just extrapolating from some of the harder Red Pill/Roissy/PUA material. Being over 50, and the man that I am, I know I’m not going to pull off some of the more hard-core tactics. But I’m trying to internalize some of the concepts without giving up my soul. The whole “comfort” thing, I’ve come to realize, is a very delicate balance. You can go the whole “Dark Triad” path and learn how to give that comfort just to keep the sex flowing with no intention of following up on it. Once you learn how to do it, it’s very easy, but it’s also essentially lying and lying in a way that can destroy a woman’s emotional trust.

Real players don’t care about that. But I remember a book back in the 70s or 80s about “how to pick up girls” that used the phrase “leave them better than you found them for the next guy.” Well, screw that. These days, the next guy can look out for himself.

Back in the day, if you asked me about feminism and women’s rights, I probably would have said “Sure, I’m a feminist. I agree about all that stuff.” And I would have meant it; equal rights for women and all that, sure, fine. What I’ve come to realize since taking the Red Pill is that while equal rights on a human level are fine, Feminism® is about rights without responsibilities. And the backlash is several generations of men who will play that back at women. I’ve made my own moral choice that even if I just want to sleep with a woman, I want to manage the relationship such that when the end inevitably comes, it won’t shatter her.

Maybe I’m channeling Munson [link below] in a way. I’ve tasted the kind of love and relationship that he talked about and I lost it. I’m confronted with a dating environment that is what it is. I like female company and I like to get laid. Sue me. But I also don’t want to be heartless and leave a trail of broken women in my wake.

Charismatic Comfort is a tightrope. I’m still working it out, but it is a way to quickly build a much deeper rapport and a tool for managing a relationship (which is why post-coitus is prime-time for working emotional openness, she’s at her most primed to internalize little shows of vulnerability), including a breakup. Being outcome independent, if a woman ends it with me, I know that there are more fish in the sea. If I break it off, I want to do at least try to do so in a way that, while it might leave her sad, doesn’t leave her angry and jaded.

In PUA speak, it’s about maintaining frame and congruence, but carried all the way through to the end of a relationship. That’s why I termed it “sensitivity, but on my terms.” Women can understand that, and you can use the hamster even in a breakup. It’s about being Charismatic, without being a real asshole.

“…sensitivity, but on my terms.” That’s the great take-away phrase. I am not always the dumpee when I date women. Sometimes, I do the dumping because of any number of reasons. One of those reasons is that I have taken the attitude that I am the one inviting her into my life, not vice versa. Badger had supremely good blog post on that particular subject(link below).

The Dating To Relationship Dilemma

Munson’s Page

Beta Guide: Inviting Her Into Your Life (Badger)

Patton Oswalt – The Two Dumbest C*nts In The World

Patton Oswalt is a pretty funny stand-up comedian. A couple of ladies are actually talking on the phone during one of his performances and he calls them out.

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