The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “July, 2013”

New Comment Policy

All comments are now going into moderation.

Most of the comments are reasonably thoughtful and add to the general discussion about the content of a blog post. Occasionally I get a hater. There are also some very painful, angry, and unhappy comments from men. I understand those negative comments and that’s why I almost always let them through. Men need a safe space to vent their spleens.

The problem is that the comments are directly affecting my personal life. What my readers don’t know is I have publicly announced on my online dating profile that I am a popular blogger. I haven’t yet posted the actual URL, but if anyone requests it, I give it to them. I did this for two reasons – firstly, to see if the change to my profile results in a better response rate; secondly, to get more local women to visit Red Pill Dating,

Several times since I’ve made the change to my profile, I have lost dating opportunities because women have read my blog(s). It wasn’t my posts, it was the comments. My own relatively optimistic outlook is being associated with the those very dark and negative comments. It’s guilt by association and it sucks. That’s the reality of the situation and as everyone knows, I deal with reality.

So, those very negative comments are impacting my dating life. I can live with that to a point. However, my two blogs are now more closely linked so that means any comment-driven negative perceptions of this blog and me as a person are also applied to Red Pill Dating, part of my livelihood. That’s intolerable to me. Guy code clearly states that one man never messes with another man’s livelihood, even if unintentionally.

I have to address this. I have the option to disable commenting completely. This will cause a serious hit to my traffic. Since this blog doesn’t generate any advertising revenue, I can live with that but my ego, less so. This is the thermonuclear solution and I don’t want to go there.

So, I have already implemented a less slash-and-burn approach to those dark and sometimes vicious comments. All comments are now going into moderation. I don’t get a huge number of comments and I have the mobile app for WordPress so this is a manageable task. This requires that I delete older comments, a daunting prospect give the over 10K comments I have received. Also, some regular commenters may find their comments moderated out.

So, if any reader wants to make a comment, consider that one of my potential dates or potential class participants is reading it. I’m asking commenters to mind their words very carefully. I do thank you for your cooperation.

There will also be other changes to my blog.

TL,DR: Nasty comments are ruining Andrew’s dating life and potentially his business. All comments are now moderated. For a comment to get through, it better be good and it better be polite.

The Classics Never Die

Someone reminded me of this joke and apparently it’s quite old. It’s also quite telling.

The definitive answer to the age old question: Is a woman giving birth more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. They are adamant about that.

I have come up with the answer to that question…

Getting kicked in the nuts is much more painful than having a baby and here is the reasoning behind that conclusion…

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “it might be nice to have another child.”

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,

“You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”

I rest my case


Merciless, Yet Casual Cynicism

When new readers emerge and send me emails, I am always pleased. New voices and fresh perspective are necessary for any school of thought such as Red Pill thinking. It’s even more important to have honest dissent because without dissent, that school of thought becomes a blind, dogmatic ideology where only voices of agreement are allowed. As a side note, I ignore personal insults and general mockery because those are the arguments used by children.

For a dating advice blog, PM, you fail because of all the cynicism about women and dating and attraction. A man who follows your ridiculous advice is being put in a manipulative position. You paint women as child-like and unable to resist manipulation by guys with any type of charisma. And why do you capitalize that word in all your posts? That’s ridiculous too. It’s like a cult in here.

I don’t know if a man or woman wrote this email. Frankly, it really doesn’t matter because in honest logic and rationality, the messenger is mostly irrelevant. It’s the message that must be addressed. However, it should be pointed out that I was never attacked personally.

I won’t disagree with the cynicism. It’s quite merciless. Knowing the truth about attraction and relationships, it’s always easy – and usually correct – to size up a situation between a man and a woman and accurately predict the outcome. Such accurate predictions are almost heretical to “conventional” wisdom because this shows that people – especially in the context of attraction, dating, and relationships – are very predictable. But we’re not all special snowflakes, after all. We can easily generalize about human behavior. If this is interpreted as cynicism. So be it.

What is considered manipulative by most is actually a series of logical actions and behaviors in order to achieve one’s goals regarding another. This really does take the shine off romance and courtship and is completely opposed to a romantic ideal that is criminally wrong when attempted into today’s environment of Dating 2.0. A man must know how to truthfully deal with contemporary women and not be met with failure after failure. What the writer calls manipulative, I call common sense.

The accusation that I consider women “child-like” I had to think about and then re-read some of my older posts.  If the email writer is connecting “child-like” as to responding only to emotions, the writer does have a point but bear in mind that I’m writing about attraction and dating. These two things bring up all sorts of emotions in women. They write about it constantly in the single women blogs. I read it in their profiles. I have talked to many, many women about this issue and emotion is the primary theme. It’s all about how they feel about attraction and dating.

Is this child-like? Maybe for younger women in the throes of new feelings about a new guy. For women over a certain age? It’s hardly child-like because these women (hopefully) have a degree of emotional self-control. Also, the email writer might be assuming that I agree with the bloggers and commenters who flat out claim that women are nothing more than big children because of their lack of emotional self control and their solely emotional reactions. I’m not those guys and they are not me. Don’t make assumptions. In certain contexts, grown woman can be child-like. In other contexts, they be just as logical and rational as men.

I capitalize Charisma because it’s that important for guys to have. It’s a social skill set that is on the wane because of men’s social isolation and lack of practice. You can blame technology for much of that. Charisma can be learned and practiced. Red Pill/Manosphere stuff has been accused of being cult-like. Of course, if it were a cult, we’d have much more face-to-face interactions and a Charismatic leader. No, it’s too diffuse to be a cult. Few of us have actually met and no one has stepped up to be a leader, certainly not me.

Keep those emails coming.

Weekend Weirdness – South Florida Quickie

If the human beings are strange enough down here, mother nature got into the act just yesterday. A waterspout (somewhat common here) roars ashore during a large lifeguard competition. It happened just a few short miles north of here.

You can’t make this shit up in Florida.

Dating For Men – The Date Idea List

Guys, if you’re serious about the dating process, you’ll need to come up with potential date ideas. Some of you might balk at this idea because you have the erroneous idea that planning the date should be completely mutual. That’s wrong because when it comes to dating, the man takes the lead and makes the plans.

For first dates, it’s relatively easy. Have at least three places you can take a date. The list of potential places might include a happy hour, ice cream, appetizers, etc. Meeting for coffee is out. It’s a cliché now and a sign of a lazy man.

Dinner is not recommended for a first date. You hardly know this person (especially if from online dating) and dinner first dates get expensive. Dinner and a movie is the absolute worst first date. If your date expects a fancy dinner for a first date, that’s a big ol’ red flat, right there because she’s not ready for Dating 2.0.

Should there be subsequent dates with the same woman, the date list becomes very important. It saves time and you don’t have to ask the question that kills attraction: “So what do you want to do?” As well, if you’re dating more than one woman, the date list makes life much easier.

Spend some time on the net to find local attractions and events. You might have to hit several websites for this. Keep a list of potential things to do. If outdoors, factor in the weather. Here are some guidelines:

  • Live music for a subsequent date is not a good idea. A loud band impedes conversation and shifts focus away from you and to the performers.
  • Any event that requires lots of focus also takes her focus away from you and you from her is not a good idea.
  • Something that can be done together (pottery cafe) is perfect. Fondue (yeah, it’s still around) or Mongolian hot pot combines food and an activity.
  • Comedy (stand up or improv) can work if you sit in the back and can talk briefly between sets or jokes.
  • Do you have a handheld GPS or phone with GPS? Geocaching can actually work as a date. Google it, it’s cool. Geography nerds love it.
  • Parks, museums, galleries, museums are all good, too. You can walk and talk.

As you identify potential dates, make a note of appropriate dress for you and her. Women are highly focused on what they wear and want it to fit in with the social environment. That applies to you, too. Know the schedule of the event/activity, where it’s located exactly.

If a connection has been established on the first date and the second (third, fourth, and beyond), you will have options. You won’t be asking for the subsequent date, you’ll be saying, “Keep Sunday afternoon open and dress casually, I’ll pick you up at 3PM.” Your car will have enough gas in it, by the way, so you won’t have to stop.

If a meal is in the agenda, make sure you know her dietary restrictions and tastes. That’s something to tease out of her during the first date. Is she gluten-free or lactose intolerant? Likely she’ll mention that on that first date. Stuff like that you must remember. That’s not optional. Also, double-check restaurant hours.

Groupon and Living Social (along with other local coupon websites) can give you some ideas and perhaps a serious bargain. Just don’t let your date know you’re paying with a coupon. By the way, those kind of coupons are becoming increasingly restrictive because they are not very good for the vendors to issue them.

If the connection is strong between you, it’s very likely that your date will like what you will be doing on the actual date. Anything after the first date is about furthering the connection between you and not necessarily about the restaurant, event, or activity itself. If she really objects, have a plan B. A strident objection on solely subjective reasons means that she is not that into you and also lacks imagination or a sense of adventure. Dietary restrictions not-withstanding.

There is a generation of men who seem too scared or confused about taking the lead in dating. It’s understandable given the terribly mixed messages they get from women and the mainstream media. The truth is actually rather simple if not exactly politically correct. Women want men to take the lead. The dating options list is a great step in that direction. Another bonus is that you varying your dating routine so you don’t get stuck in a rut. Oh, and don’t tell her about the list.

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Men Are Bitter And Angry And That’s Awesome

After reading one too many Red Pill blogs, a female friend texted me:

I need a break from all this Red Pill stuff. Some it makes a lot of sense but a lot of it is starting to carry the stench of anger, bitterness, judgment, and just downright meanness.

She’s right.

I cannot apologize for those things because such negativity is a perfectly natural reaction from a generation of men betrayed on a massive level. It is the betrayal by society telling lies about almost everything that a man experiences in his life.  The vast breadth and depth of the lies went relatively unnoticed for a couple of generations. But with the internet, guys can now communicate about social issues (the lies) amongst themselves and women can digitally eavesdrop.

Here are some of those examples of those lies:

“Be nice, be yourself”

“Man up! (to do a woman’s bidding)”

“Women don’t do those kind of things”

“Work hard and sacrifice”

“Be more in touch with your emotions and express them more”

“Never, ever judge a woman”

In days or yore, these were not lies. These statements were about a valid social expectation where a man could expect to be rewarded for following those expectations. The rewards were typically respect and a relationship with a woman. But at some point in our social history those rewards became less and less. Regardless, men still soldiered on. They manned up. They hoped the pretty lies were true. They didn’t know the social contract between the genders was broken (link below).

Though it was slow, men started to figure out that something was rotten in Denmark. Ever increasing numbers of men began the process of learning that they had been betrayed by the pretty lies of cancerous social expectations. The Internet allowed men to communicate with each other. Men discovered common themes and common, shared experiences. The men discovered that they weren’t alone.

The men got angry, very angry. You want some anger? Read M3’s legendary post about being involuntarily celibate for 12 years (link below). That’s righteous and justifiable rage. In their expression of anger, a lot of ornery meanness came out. It’s still coming out as is witnessed in blog posts and the comments in blog posts. I say good for that. This is part of the grieving process (link below). The problem is that as new men enter the Red Pill pipeline, they go through the anger phase. This means that any Manosphere blog will always have a number of men expressing anger and bitterness in the comments.

What’s not noticed is the number of guys who have worked their way to acceptance and no longer write from anger. They are too busy improving themselves to let anger side track them. This can be seen in Manosphere blogs. They start from anger and, over time, mature into something else or quietly fade away because the blogger has realized that his anger has subsided and so has his motivation to write. Of course there will be a small and vocal minority of perpetually pissed off men and they can be mean as snakes. These guys get the attention because they are the exceptions. It’s part of our human nature to notice and call out the exceptions. But the exception does not make the rule.

The reason the anger is so awesome is because it means that men are seeing how social expectations are ruining life for them. The anger is the proper reaction to “Wait, I was lied to all these years?!”. Damned right he gets angry and bitter. He’s supposed to because he realized that he was getting fucked.

The Broken Gender Social Contract

Confessions Of An Involuntary Celibate

Stages Of Loss And Grief

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“That’s Cheating!”

My neighbor, James, is a good guy. He’s in his 30s, works a full-time, labor intensive, skilled job. He’s pleasant and friendly to me and my ugly dog. He refers to her as “killer”. He’s never spoken to me about his love life and I have never asked. He’s never mentioned a girlfriend or going on dates. It’s not my business and I would never, ever pry. That’s guy code, right there.

Some weeks ago I ran into him in the village. In much of his spare time, James takes his fishing gear to the local pier and does pitched battle with the local swimming sea life. Sometimes he wins (thanks for the fish, James!) and sometimes he loses. Regardless, it’s his enthusiasm and he clearly enjoys it. I give him major respect for that.

When I ran into him, I had just put up a new blog post and was feeling proud of myself. James asked what I had been doing recently.

“I just put up a new blog post.”

“What’s your blog about?”

“I help men be more attractive to women so they can reach their relationship goals.” It’s my standard go-to response when questioned about my blog.

“I don’t understand.”

“Men can learn how to be more attractive to women and I help them with that.”

James looked shocked and then quickly got angry.

“That’s cheating!” He was emphatic. He was pissed off. He was not attacking me, just my message. Again, the guy code applied.

This reaction did not surprise me. James is of the “be yourself and the right woman will magically appear” school of thought. I know where this comes from. For years I held the same point of view. I didn’t back down.

“A man can learn new things to make himself more attractive to women so he can meet his relationship goals.”

James was stubborn.

“I want a woman to love me for exactly who I am.”

That’s a noble sentiment based on an idealized view of attraction, dating, and relationships. It’s the standard response borne of shitty social expectations. But as I deal in the sometimes difficult realities of the situation, I had to be honest with James.

“If a guy isn’t meeting his relationship goals, then he has to change.”

The look on his face softened as he quickly figured it out. I also assumed he was considering his own relationship goals and the fact he was not likely meeting them himself.

“Well, I can see your point…”

I do feel a sense of pride in men when they apply logic and reason to a situation and don’t stubbornly cling to lying social expectations.

I have read and heard women become scorchingly angry (Hi Jezebel!) at the thought of a man improving himself so he can meet his relationship goals. James’s reaction was similar. The prevailing social expectation is that when it comes to being attractive to women, a man must remain essentially static, especially regarding his behaviors and attitude. A man increasing his value in the sexual/relationship market is a very real social taboo. Improving the external things – fashion, hair, hygiene, health, etc – doesn’t seem to be much of a problem for society.

It’s even worse should a man learn from the seduction community. Those opposed to pick up artistry (PUA) make many accusations, mostly charges that men are learning how to manipulate women. That’s a shallow interpretation based on the fear that a woman might be attracted to something “artificial” such as faux confidence.

I can’t do anything about a person’s negative reaction to the concept of male self-improvement. What I can do is educate both men and women about this.

Men, if you’re not getting your relationship goals met, you simply have to change. There is no option. It’s not cheating. It’s not learning to be manipulative. It’s working on your attitude and behaviors so you can deal with women on your terms, not theirs. Consider the confidence sub-routine (link below) as your start. Here’s the zen-like element to self- improvement: You’re doing it for you, not for women. That’s a hard concept to grasp and one of the reasons many guys fail at attracting women. If a woman senses that a man’s self-improvement is merely to be more attractive to women, she’ll blow him off romantically. I can’t stress that enough. The most important person a man must impress is himself.

Women, with so much male self-improvement material out on the Interwebz, you’re anger is useless. Guys are going to learn this stuff, there is no way to stop it. That confident, Charismatic fellow who boldly stated that you and he will be having a date this weekend might have been a meek, insecure NiceGuy™ just a few short years ago. He’s attractive to you now, that’s all that matters. Enjoy it. Be thankful that he had the sense to improve himself. You can hate on PUA all you want. Dole out mockery, snark, and insults until your fingers bleed. The guys who understand have heard it all before and it means absolutely nothing to them. Rather, each insult is seen as proof that PUA and male self- improvement actually works.

Perhaps my neighbor will take a closer look at himself and accept that some change might be necessary in his life. I’ll be supportive and encouraging. Besides, I don’t want to piss him off. He’s a professional meatcutter.

The Confidence Sub-Routine Expanded

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A Scene At A Wedding Reception

Note: All the names have been changed.

I had the opportunity to attend a beach wedding recently. It was in Key West and I was the official date of a female friend of mine. Logistically, the whole thing worked out well. The drive down was mostly uneventful except my friend’s expensive speeding ticket. We arrived in Key West and checked in to a nice bed and breakfast right on Duval Street. For those not in the know, Duval Street is the main drag where all the partying happens. It’s very serious partying.

The first evening we were there, my friend ran into a colleague from years ago. The colleague was a high powered career woman without kids who had married a decent guy over a decade ago. This was Kristen and Dave. The four of us are all roughly the same age, 40s and 50s, and got along well. I mentioned my blog in passing when asked about what I do.

The following day, the beach wedding went off without a hitch. We met up again with Kristen and Dave, this time at the wedding reception at a “rustic” waterfront bar. Think Buffet style, not Warren but Jimmy. It’s Key West, after all. Over drinks and copious food, Kristen asked me a question, “So what’s your blog about?”

“I help men become more attractive to women so these guys can meet their relationship goals”.

That’s my standard and consistent response when I am asked about my blog.

“What’s it called?”

“The Private Man, you can Google it.”

My friend nodded and smiled. She likes what I write. Kristen and Dave seemed intrigued. The conversation shifted for a few minutes where Kristen and my friend caught up on connections and people from the years past when they worked together. Then Dave piped up. He had been searching for my blog on his smart phone.

“I found it.” He then started reading my most recent post about the TV show audition.

The conversation soon started up about alimony. Kristen was of the mind that alimony was fundamentally wrong. I gave her credit for that. She recommended that I read a recent Time magazine article about alimony reform and the 2nd Wives Club. She didn’t know that I had been following this particular issue for years.

At some point soon after, Dave’s cell phone rang with a call from his adult son. He had to find a quiet place to talk on the phone, leaving Kristin, my friend, and me to talk during the busy reception. Kristen soon stood up to fetch another drink from the bar. Now things got interesting. Each time I went the bar, I asked my friend if she wanted anything. I noticed that Dave’s drink was empty and I said, “You should get your husband a drink.” The gesture she gave in return was disrespectful and rude.

She waved her hand away and gave a dismissive facial expression as she turned her back on me as she faced the closely available bartender.

“Give the guy some respect!” I said loudly at her back.

The whole scene took only seconds. To her, it was a throw-away gesture of casual disrespect towards her husband. It was the equivalent of an eye-roll. It was two seconds that vividly demonstrated the current state of relationships between wives and husbands in the realm of marriage 2.0.

Yes, I was being too sensitive. I was deciding to be too sensitive. I was putting on a lens of offensivity. But I didn’t know that until I said to my friend “I’m going to blog about this”. She witnessed the scene between Kristen and me.

“See what she does.”

Yes, actions over words. My friend gets it. Perhaps Kristen would get the drink (an open bar!) and the scene would be over without further and unnecessary drama. I watched. Kristen got her own drink and sat down without a drink for her husband.

This would need to go further.

A few moments later, it was time for me to get another drink. Dave had not returned as he was still talking to his son. I ordered my own drink and then ordered one for Dave because I knew what he was drinking. With both drinks in hand, I turned so I could get back to our table, a short few feet away. Just then, Dave showed up. As we were both standing, I gave him his drink. “Here’s a drink for you.” I made sure that both Kristen and my friend could see what was going on.

Kristen responded immediately. “So, are you dating my husband?!” (or, words to that effect.)

Boom! Shaming language*. Because she used shaming language, it was clear that Kristen was caught out in her disrespect for her husband when I gave him that drink. For Kristen to express humility was not an option. The social expectation forced her to make a useless attempt at shame towards me. She could have said “I’m sorry Dave, I should have gotten you a drink.” For any woman reading this, feminine humility is savagely attractive, even more so when a wife expresses it towards a husband. It will make a man melt. It will turn him into a gracious and delighted man.

Dave was appreciative. “Thank you!” His gratitude was honest. Perhaps he had never experienced such a gesture. I never looked at Kristen because she and I both knew how that interaction went down. It was not in her favor given her disrespect and selfishness. Later, my friend called it “just rude”.

This is the cultural miasma of misandry. Men are afforded little respect. We’re supposed to “man up and take it.” It’s worse for husbands. Kristen’s casual wave of dismissal is an example of it. She is committed to Dave yet the small act of getting a free drink was somehow beyond (beneath?) her. I don’t know the dynamics of their marriage so I don’t know if that’s a common pattern of behavior for them. I am focusing on that one gesture.

When the four of us got to chatting after that small scene, I was very determined about sticking up for men. At one point in the conversation I actually stood up and spread my arms loudly stating “I always stand up for men, I’m a masculinist!” I got some dirty looks. With such bombast, I knew I was running a social risk and might piss off my friend. I took that risk and there were no consequences except some interesting talk between us later in the evening.

As a writer who supports masculinity, I don’t take well to disrespect to men. I know that women are apt to slander men and I urge all my readers to speak up when men are being bashed merely for the act of being a man. Simply “Manning up and taking it” can’t work anymore. It’s time for push back.

A direct note to “Kristen” and “Dave”: You will likely read this blog post because you know about my blog. This post will likely cause you discomfort. You might even get offended and defensive. That’s the price I pay for the candor and honesty of my observations and advice. Before you read the comments, be aware that some of my commenters have very strong views on topics like this and their language will not be so measured. Am I overreacting? Perhaps. Know that I am very keenly aware and very sensitive to the dynamics between men and women, husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends.

* Shaming language is simply an insult that is used to deflect focus away from a particular discussion/debate topic. When it is used, it almost always means that the person doing the shaming is in the wrong and doesn’t want to deal with it logically or rationally. It is a verbal tactic used by both genders constantly.

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