The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “November, 2013”

The Power Of Public Speaking

A recent comment over at the The Red Pill (Reddit) reminded me about the value of social confidence:

…when I was 28, I was speaking at a conference to MBA students. I was a professional talking about my industry to the students. After I gave my talk, I met a hot 23-year-old girl who was there (easily the best looking girl out of the 200 people there). We chatted a bit and I simply asked her out and she said yes.

There are a couple of take-away lessons here:

1. Being asked to speak in front of people is the highest form of social pre-selection possible. It’s a clear testament to a man’s expertise and confidence.

2. The follow up confidence this man showed when securing the date flowed from his willingness to speak in public.

However, if this is to work, it’s absolutely vital that a man has good public speaking skills. These are skills that can be learned through an organization like Toastmaster or taking drama classes (seriously). Voice, eye contact, verbal pacing, subject matter, etc., are all elements of public speaking that a man can learn through instruction, observation, and practice.

As an extrovert, I thoroughly enjoy speaking in front of people. But I have the advantage of experience teaching for several years in an adult vocational capacity as well taking stand up and improvisational comedy classes. And yes, I am bombastic as fellow Manospherian, Dagonet, pointed out after he met me last year. Thanks chum! I actually embrace that description.

I won’t project my love of being in front of people on to all my readers. But I do urge that men – especially introverts – make a point to speak in front of people at every opportunity. This could include meetings, sales presentations, volunteering to give classes/seminars, almost anything. Here’s a small trick when out with the guys – offer a toast and back it up with a very short, impromptu speech.

There is a history of oratory in our civilization. The general population of men are losing those skills. If you watch a charismatic pastor giving his sermon, you’ll see the continuation of that history of oratory. Such preaching is the zenith of public speaking and very few men will attain that. However, every man should have at least some of those oratorical skills.

Middle Age Men, Fashion, And “Average” – A Rant

Guys, you dress terribly. Your clothes are outdated. Your clothes don’t fit. Your clothes tell the world that you simply don’t give a shit. You’re over 45, dress like you fucking care! I am embarrassed for you. The most damning insult I will give is this:

You look average.

Before my male readers get all defensive, do know that the beachside village where I live is not the zenith of fashion. I live in the culture of leisure and it shows in how the men dress ’round these parts. It’s pathetic. Even so, when I venture out and about into the working world (daily), I see way too much average and see almost nothing of masculine fashion style. It’s awful.

There is dearth of fashion resources for a middle age man to consult. Dressing “younger” is not the answer. Even that bastion of mature man ethos, Esquire magazine, is chock full of young guys wearing the hippest clothes. That’s fine for young guys. My readers aren’t those guys. Note: If my readers have good resources, chime in via the comments.

The poor fashion sense of middle age guys is indicative of a deeper and far more difficult problem. It’s an insidious emotional cancer based on a social expectation that finds masculinity something evil and to be suppressed. It’s this:

“Shut up and be average”

There’s that word again, “average”. A man should never be average. Average is the mortal enemy of confidence. Average is why most men live lives of quiet desperation. Average prevents men from approaching women. Average is fear and fear is not masculine. Average keeps men down. Women loathe average in a man. Yet if you simply look at how men dress, it’s apparent that men actually want to be average. I’m disgusted.

If a man wants to fulfill his relationship goals, average is the worst thing to be. Average is a corollary to “be nice, be yourself” and practically forces women to ignore him. Being ignored by women is the opposite of masculine charisma.

And about your hair. For that, you deserve an open-handed slap to the face.

Be The Researcher

I look askance at psychological and sociological “studies” that are trotted frequently in order to present a better understanding of how attraction and dating works. Usually, the studies use some sort of questionnaire and the participants are requested to answer a series of questions. Those answers are supposed to reveal truths and patterns regarding human behavior.

Those kinds of studies can work if the questions aren’t about dating and attraction. Those studies are mostly worthless when they focus on dating and attraction. This is because of one fundamental reason: people lie. To be more polite, people say what they are expected to say. It’s the polite company conundrum.

The classic example of this is when men and women are asked about the number of sexual partners they have had. No one tells the truth on that one. But researchers keep presenting questionnaire answers as some form of “truth” regarding human sexuality. Nice try, Poindexter.

So how is anyone to make sense of attraction and dating if the sociological studies are so flawed? Look to people’s actions and not necessarily their words. If a dating and attraction study is based on actually watching human behavior “in the wild” then it is far more valuable when presenting truth.

All of us can become social and psychological researchers if we carefully observe actual human behavior in the context of attraction and dating. I do this constantly when in social situations so I can pass along useful information to my readers. I make a point to be acutely aware of social scenarios, particularly when men and women are together.

When observing, the challenge is to notice the subtle things like tone of voice, eye contact, and body language. It takes practice. The best source for seeing human interactions is go places where first, second, and third dates are happening on a regular basis. Also, singles Meetup group events are a great source for observation.

The other challenge is to keep an open mind and see how people interact without the lens of political correctness or social expectations. This is difficult. Too many of us are absolutely brainwashed by the horrible conventional attraction and dating wisdom. “Be nice, be yourself” is an example of such horrible wisdom.

Successful dating coaches reap the rewards of such action-based and directly observable social research. Capitalism is a brutal filter for the accuracy of ideas. Bad attraction and dating advice is simply bad for business. Goodbye, politically correct dating coach. This is why I pay close attention to successful dating coaches and the advice they give.

When it comes to meeting our relationship goals, this is the realm of “what is” and not “what should be”. But the first step of discovering “what is” requires a keen eye and observant frame of mind. Oh, and don’t stare at people. Practice some subtlety when you are observing.

Dating 2.0 And Baby Boomers

Younger people have done a very good job of adopting the positive and negative elements of Dating 2.0. When a young woman or man fires off some clever texts (or sexts) even while dancing with someone else, that’s an example of that Dating 2.0 adoption. Actually, young people invented Dating 2.0 by using technology created by that consumate Baby Boomer, Steve Jobs.

Baby Boomers (those born ‘twixt 1946 and 1963 or so) are not adjusting to Dating 2.0 particularly well. This is understandable because when these folks entered the dating scene, the expectations of Dating 1.5 were in full force. As well, AIDs and herpes in the 1980s were helping to dial back some of the promiscuity from the 1970s and this impacted the dating behaviors for younger of Baby Boomers.

When the newly single boomers enter a dating marketing re-engineered by younger people, there’s lots of initial failure. There are some patterns to the failures:

  • Men who over-share prior to initial dates.
  • Women who don’t understand they must offer what men actually want.
  • Men who are far too casual about their dates.
  • Women who insist that being Strong and Independent® is what men desire.
  • Men who actually believe that Strong and Independent® women are the zenith of female attractiveness.
  • Men and women alike who are simply not ready for dating.

This list contains a relatively small number of examples and shares of boomer dating between both genders equally. The biggest failures of baby boomer are because of too many decades of exposure to politically correct social expectations.

It’s so very difficult to cast away social expectations related to attraction and dating. But boomers must realize what dating approaches worked prior to first marriges doe not necessarily work in modern times. “Yeah, but I met my first spouse that way.” My response is always “So, how’s that working for you now?”

There are a lot of cringeworthy things to read about baby boomers doing the attraction and dating thing. But reading such things is neither encouraging nor productive. Successful dating coaches usually have great blogs but they tend to spend too many words on marketing. Well, their job is to provide paid advice. Hell, I do that on rare occasions, as well.

There is finally a wealth of much better baby boomer attraction and dating  information advice coming into the marketplace, most often through the Internet marketplace. Baby boomers should be reading it.

[Note: I’m still in the damned hospital]

Crashed My Motorcycle Again, Dammit

This time has been a bit more serious. I’ve been in the hospital since early Sunday morning with at least half a dozen massively broken ribs and a broken collar bone.  The doctor won’t even show me the X-rays. The pain has been extraordinary. I won’t bore you with the details but broken bones and ribs are involved.

Yes, I’m writing this while I’m in the hospital.


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