The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “March, 2014”

“Watch This Video And Get Laid Tonight”

I have signed up to receive emails from the guys selling pick up artistry (PUA) systems. I get many, many of those emails. The subject lines are hilarious. I understand marketing. For the PUA systems guys, here’s how it works:

  • 1. Send out an email with a blatantly false but compelling subject line. Here’s another: “Three words to make a woman wet”.
  • 2. Link to a website with still more marketing messages but no actual content. If there is a link to a video, that video is usually a cartoon-based message that exhorts the viewer to buy the PUA system at massively discounted prices.
  • 3. Hope that enough sexually thirsty guys buy the PUA system so that the PUA marketer doesn’t have to work on a nerd farm.

This brings us to Tucker Max. He’s something of legend regarding the genre of “fratire”. That’s the realm of literature where a young man writes about his life experiences as a guy without a verbal and behavioral filter. National Lampoon, the print magazine (remember paper and ink?), was the king of such writing. Google up some O.C. and Stiggs.   “Nothing handles better than a rented car”. Lulz from the 1980s.

So now Tucker has launched a new website and is using basic marketing to get some online traffic. “Watch this video and get laid tonight”. He did NOT say that term, by the way. Regardless, Tucker’s marketing is along the same lines of Vin DiCarlo. Vin keeps a list of email addresses and does send out messages with the subject line of “watch this video and get tonight” Tucker, meet Vin. Vin, meet Tucker.

The Manosphere doesn’t wallow in such marketing. Worse, the Manosphere takes such marketing words seriously. Tucker claims:

Geoff [an evolutionary psychologist]: “I have looked, quite extensively, for a book or something that honestly and frankly addresses the entire spectrum of sex, dating, women and relationships, especially for men. I have never found one. I have to spend hours answering their very basic questions about these issues.”

Tucker:“No fucking way. This has to exist.”

Yup, Tucker and Geoff lied. So what? This is marketing. Get over it, Manosphere. PUA guys selling “systems” say the most outlandish things, too. Their job is to make money. They might be helping socially awkward men but PUA systems guys are in it for the money. To be perfectly candid, I’m the same.

Here’s an obvious secret: Successful dating coaches have been covertly reading Manosphere blogs for years. Successful dating coaches have to dispense Red Pill attraction and dating advice so their businesses succeed. I have been shunned by most dating coaches for my connection to the Manosphere but I know that those dating coaches seriously read what we are up to.

If the ‘Sphere is angry about Tucker Max, the ‘Sphere needs to understand marketing. Also, the ‘Sphere needs to settle the fuck down. Un-rustle those jimmies.

The “Lockdown” Factor And More Of My Mistakes

Monday was Saint Patrick’s day. Like many towns, there were parties and events and general merriment here in the village. I was out and about with my ugly dog, my hat, and a fine kilt. I was peacocking and I knew it. That established a good frame.

I was at the local convenience story to pick up a snack and spent a few moments with the young woman behind the counter, Nicole. The subject of age came up and I made a comment about my age status. Almost immediately, a woman came from behind the around the counter to within a couple of feet from me. I couldn’t see her because the display of ecigarettes blocked me view. I didn’t acknowledge her until she spoke up.

“How old do you think I am?”

Oh, please. Wow, just wow. Seriously? This is the bear trap shit test that most men happily step in to. She was very attractive, blonde, and in great shape. She looked much younger than her obvious (to me) 45 years old. Her smile was genuine and just about perfect. Her question did not put me off.

“I don’t play that game.” My laughing smirk was huge.

“You’re cute.”

“Damn right I am. Are you local?”

“Yes, I am.”

I extended my hands for the two-handed hand grab and introduced myself. “I’m Andrew”

“I’m Marsha”

“Then we will be seeing each other again.”

Then I made the big mistake. I turned and left the store. I’m not going to over-analyze my reasoning or rationalizing. This was a moment, a moment of attraction, a moment that every man needs to seize. I didn’t. Hindsight is always 20/20. The next day I purposely went back to the convenience store after work to talk to Nicole.

“Do you remember that blonde I was talking to last night?”

“Oh yes.”

“Has she stopped by?”

“No, I was hoping she would.”

“Have you ever seen her before? She said she was a local.”

“No… never seen her before.”

Holy crap, I really screwed up with Marsha. Lessons were learned, again.

“I didn’t even notice if she was wearing a wedding ring.” This was the second time I made this mistake in just a few short days. Learning be tough.

“I looked. She wasn’t wearing one.”

This is key. Having a location on lockdown means that people are looking out for you. Nicole made a point of looking at Marsha’s finger for a wedding ring. She did that for me because she liked me. If you don’t have a location on lockdown, no one is looking to help you. This always requires being friendly, nice, and a fun person to talk to. Those are skills that can be learned.

I pulled a quasi-Hail Mary and wrote my name and number on a piece of paper and gave it to Nicole in the hope that Marsha might return to the convenience store and ask about me. I’m not expecting to see Marsha again. Perhaps she was drunk that night and feeling bold. I know she was seeking validation for her attractiveness and that’s why she opened me with a shit test. Life happens. Life moves on.

Lessons learned:

  • Iron, hot, strike.
  • Lockdown, do it.
  • Never be ashamed to stand out
  • Get a damned dog.

ABC – Always Be Charismatic

I awoke very early this morning, despite it being a Saturday. My circadian rhythm is well established now. My dog, Lucy the ugly, started making noises at around 7:30AM while I sat and read blogs and tweets to keep up with recent world and Manosphere events. The dog needed to be walked. To be honest, she needed to be emptied. Dogs have a fluid build-up during the night. Those fluids must be expelled outdoors.

Casual clothes donned, with my fine hat, Lucy and I hit the sidewalk. Two or three minutes later, we were at the beach. Here’s a photo for all my readers living in northern climes:


After my dog peed, I decided to grab breakfast at a local eatery. It has dog friendly outdoor seating. Lucy and I got settled in and the server gave me the menu. The server was a tall, slender middle age dame with a fine smile, long hair,  and a pleasant demeanor. It started.

“How are you?” That’s standard pleasant talk required by all restaurant servers.

“I’m perfect in every way.” I said firmly with a smirk on my face. Go big or go home. That’s a lesson from Danny and it’s incredibly important.

She smiled.

“And how are you?” she said as she bent down to let Lucy smell her face. Having a dog has completely transformed my social life here in the village.

“She’s ugly” I told her. That’s my go-to line and I used it four times while I was at breakfast when passers-by on the sidewalk stopped to comment about Lucy. All those commenting were dames.

“Oh no, she’s cute!” All the dames say that when I remark about my dog’s appearance. The lady server smiled at me after she said that and as she stood up. “Can I get her some water?”

“Please” I said simply.

She then walked away to fetch Lucy the water and to let me read the menu. When she returned to take my order and give Lucy a bowl of water, I was still looking at tweets on my phone and wasn’t quite ready to order. No matter, it was time to continue the rapport. For the sake of brevity, I won’t quote the whole conversation, but with some well-framed and brief “casual” questions I learned the following:

  • She was a local
  • She was originally from California
  • She left a bad marriage to start a new life here in south Florida.

She is educated (red flag: a middle aged restaurant server – it’s a nice place, but not fancy – with a good education is quite the contrast).

I told her that I wanted an omelette but then quickly changed the conversation.

“I’m going to call you Claire because you’re probably hiding from your ex.”

She laughed. “No, my ex knows where I am. I’m Nicolette”

“No, I’m sticking with Claire.” She smiled and left to give my food order to the kitchen. I’m fully conscious of my frame and what I’m doing. Christian McQueen talks of having clubs on “lockdown”. This means knowing the people who work there and being confident in your sense of place at a particular location. For him, those are particular nightclubs. For me, it’s my village (Lauderdale-By-The-Sea, Florida) and all the businesses there. Such a lockdown is incredibly important for a man’s frame in a social context.

When she returned with my food, I used another of my go-to lines when wanting a date with a dame. It has worked almost every time.

“Claire, we’re going on a date.” You younger folks have no idea what a “date” is. Folks my age know what I’m talking about. As well, getting the date is not about asking, it’s about telling. The man takes the lead. He doesn’t ask, he states.

She smiled again. “I’m sorry, I’m re-married. I got divorced eight years ago.” Crap, I completely missed the wedding ring! The power of projection is strong within me. I simply shook my head. Oh well. Regardless I kept my frame and asked her about her working hours. She told me that she works most days and goes to school in the evenings. I asked what she was studying. “Addiction counseling” was her response. “Also, Biblical counseling.” I immediately thought of Sunshine Mary and Dalrock.

As business was slow, she had a few minutes. We talked about Biblical advice regarding relationships and about her Bible-based marriage. She knew all about Ephesians and that a wife is supposed to submit to her husband. She told me that her husband wore the pants but she picked them out. Interesting. She also said that her husband was the head in the relationship and that she was the neck. Someone needs to find her pastor and interview him. I told her about the Christian bloggers who supported the type of marriage that she had. All in all, it was a fine social interaction even though I didn’t get the date.

The lessons are these:

  • Have a place where your feel comfortable, confident, and that provides an opportunity to meet women or bring women to.
  • If a woman is comfortable answering personal questions, she’s either attracted to you of comfortable with you, hopefully both.
  • Charisma starts the moment you leave your private space and enter the public space.
  • Check her hand for a wedding ring.
  • Get a damned dog.

Here’s a photo of the parking restrictions in my village. A parking ticket is at least $25. This is why I walk. I’ll bet within two years that my town will have dog parking and give out tickets to dog owners whose dogs are parked in the wrong spot.


On a completely unrelated note – I have taken comments off moderation so anyone who has commented before can openly comment without me doing any screening. Be civil, dammit.

The Invisible Middle Age Person

This is about men and women over a certain age. When women are no longer noticed, usually because of age, there is great verbal consternation. Many words go into the ‘Net ether that bemoan the great invisibility of a certain demographic. It’s good copy and results in many page clicks. There is a great collective wailing and gnashing of teeth amongst the estrogen gang.

When men become invisible, they either buy the trappings of status – I live in south Florida and see it constantly – or they completely retreat from the dating marketplace through social isolation. Such men don’t express their deepening frustration. Rather, they unhappily accept it. It’s an awful scenario.

For men and women alike, it doesn’t have to be this way. The solution is simple: be noticed, stand out, don’t blend in with the miasma of social mediocrity.
Standing out is not easy. It’s also not the same for men and women. Three of the noble rules of attraction must be reinforced now:

1. Men and women are different.

While obvious on the surface, this is a revolutionary notion given the current landscape of social expectations. The great, and wildly unrealistic, slow-moving tsunami of “equality” ‘twixt the genders  has our generation somehow convinced that men and women are the same above the shoulders. That’s a the worst lie ever foisted on western civilization. That lie is ruining attraction, dating, and relationships.

2. The feminine attracts the masculine.

Ladies, if you look and act in a feminine manner, men will notice you. The first is appearance. Men are visual (and how many times must you be told that?) Here’s a great quote: “When I was young and clever, I tried to change the world. When I was older and wiser, I simply changed myself.” Please keep that in mind. The world will not bend to your opinion.

Whether 25 or 65, looking feminine can happen. It does take work. The term “descernable waist” is your friend. Long hair is a serious bonus. If your “friends” tell you that you shouldn’t work on yourself, please find new friends. They don’t want to see you happy with your appearance because they are unhappy with their own appearance. Femininity also means behaving in a feminine manner. Those are natural gender behaviors. What, being happy, pleasant, and nurturing is offensive? Insert eye-roll and forehead slap here.

3. The masculine attracts the feminine.

Gentlemen, you are failing. Let’s say it again: Confidence, competence, charisma, and leadership. It’s hard to stand out because it’s been beaten into your heads to keep those heads down and fit in. That’s understandable. Fitting in means being invisible. The easiest way to stand out is to dress better  and working seriously on your charisma. By the way, charisma can be learned, regardless of age.

For you guys in colder climes, you’ll have to wait a bit to take off the parkas and wear better clothes. No matter, standing out visually is an act of serious confidence. Shut up and do it – just don’t be a clown about it. Dress one level up from the guys you normally associate with. It will work.

Being invisible is the death of attraction and dating. It does not matter what the gender. Don’t be invisible.

Feeling Connected To Society

Social isolation is a real problem for the post-divorce demographic. It’s more acute for men. I am constantly exhorting men to step away from the TV or computer monitor and get out of the house. Human beings are social creatures. It’s in our DNA. Of course there are misanthropic souls who seek to reject human interaction. Those individuals are outliers and should be left to their own solo devices.

Being social is a challenge. Technology and suburbia work very hard to physically isolate ourselves from each other. A comfortable gated community combined with Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram are socially damaging forces that diminish our collective social skills. Without effective social skills, it becomes exponentially more difficult to meet relationship goals. Video games and porn are additional cancers to the growing anti-social nature of our culture. This is not entirely a gender-specific issue. I heap contumely on men but women take themselves out of social life, as well.

As social creatures, human beings need to be around each other. We need to see each other. More specifically, we need to see faces and overhear verbal discussions. This is not about attraction and dating. This is about the basic human characteristic of needing to connect with others. Social isolation is debilitating. Introverts especially need to connect, even if passively through simple observation.

Before I dispense with advice, I will acknowledge that I am afforded three huge luxuries that color my perception of social interaction.

  • I live in a small town (but it’s surrounded by a densely populated urban area) and so I am connected well to neighbors.
  • I now work in a city with lots of potential social contact. Yes, there is a downtown Fort Lauderdale. Given my eyeball woes , I take the bus to work and humanity in all its glory is riding with me twice daily.
  • I live in a sub-tropical climate and that means being outdoors is far easier. It was 80 degrees today. Welcome to south Florida.

Being out in the world and interacting with people, despite the weather, is socially healthy. I recommend that every man and woman makes a point to leave the house to find a place where there are lots of people. This recommendation is not about approaching people. It’s simply about being around people so as to watch, listen, and learn. Be the researcher. Staying at home is the direct opposite of this.

Nightclubs are not a good place because they are too loud. There is no way to overhear verbal interactions when the music is blasting. If you insist on clubbing, you can certainly see, at least, body language. A cafe or restaurant with sidewalk seating and/or bar is perfect (weather permitting, of course). Waiting in line for a sandwich is a great way to observe or interact with other people. I recommend striking up a conversation with those around you, no matter who they are.

Working in a city where people are out and about has an unspoken energy and aura regarding the social nature of our humanity. As an extrovert, I am energized by this. My mood is brightened. But introverts can also benefit by feeling that social energy. Nobody, especially me, is forcing the average introvert to thrust himself or herself into social interaction. I’m simply advising everyone to find a place to feel that social energy. Given the remarkably crappy weather up north, that will obviously be an indoor space like a mall or supermarket.

It’s impossible to ignore our social nature. Misanthropes might hate that. Introverts will be uncomfortable with that. That social nature should be indulged often enough to avoid the very real problem of social isolation. Technology should be resisted in favor of face to face interactions. This is why I am so keen on singles events for the post-divorce crowd. Yes, I see the irony of posting this advice on an Internet blog and yes, online dating is a real thing.

As for the social element of the average white-collar job, I’m not discounting it. Just know that familiarity can cause contempt. This can make the work environment actually an anti-social place. As well, spending all one’s free time solely with friends is too easy. Being around strangers is a better way to experience the social aspect of life.

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