The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the category “The Eternal Solipsism of the Female Mind”

Guys, Prioritize Your Efforts On Yourself

In my ongoing research efforts to find good information about attraction and dating for the post-divorce crowd, I often turn to Reddit, a vast collection of news stories and subsequent comments. In particular, this subreddit, The Red Pill, contains hundreds upon hundreds of discussion where guys are brutally honest about attraction, dating, and masculine self-improvement. This part of the Internet is not for the faint of heart. It is also quite public. Anyone can read what is being said, regardless of membership status.

Because of the strong feelings and very direct words, this subreddit – with over 130,000 members – receives some very direct criticism and there have been calls to shut it down. This means that essential truths are being presented and discussed and such truths are so uncomfortable there are calls for censorship. This fundamentally means that this subreddit is a go-to place to read what men are saying honestly to each other, particularly about women, dating, and relationships.

A recent topic discussion raised an important issue of how a man must prioritize his efforts at “fixing” things. The white knight (profanity-laced page, cool!) instinct is strong in men and when confronted with an issue faced by a woman (or women), a man is sorely tempted to attempt to fix the problem. This includes attraction and dating issues. The very solid subreddit post, by PemBayliss directly and cogently addresses this very issue. I’m highlighting some of the more relevant text but readers can view the entire post by clicking the link just above. My own comments are in boldface.

Women have problems with dating and sex. And they are tough problems.

But they’re not your problems.

Let me explain.

Take your average woman. She’s a 6 in attractiveness — attractive enough to get a male 7 as a boyfriend. She’s also attractive enough to get male 9s and the occasional 10 for sex, but getting commitment from one of them is never going to happen. Come on guys, you know these women. You know 25 of them in real life and you go to school or work with at least 10 of them.

She’s got a tough row to hoe, a needle that is very, very difficult to thread. She has to find a man she’s attracted to and who is dominant and confident, able and willing to support her and sire/father her children. She has to find a man whose clothes she wants to rip off and whose cock she wants to suck twice a day; but who she’s also willing to pad around an apartment with in her fuzzy slippers and sweats. She has to find a man she really, really wants sex with; but the catch is that the man also has to be one who really, really wants to keep her long term.

Her prime problem is that almost all the time, she can find men who fit one bill or the other, but not both. Most of the men she can find are either (1) hot but don’t want to stick around after they fuck her a few times; or (2) want to be her boyfriend and will offer a relationship; but she doesn’t want to fuck them at all because it would be like fucking her brother or her bestie.

She’s in a tough spot.

But… and pay attention here. All that is not your problem.

The author has summarized a woman’s attraction and dating dilemma quite nicely. This dilemma is sometimes played out in the rather cynical game of Fuck, Marry, Kill where girls get together to rate men. It’s extremely important to understand that there is a separate category for sex and another for marriage. This is the woman’s dilemma stated succinctly through a parlor game. This dilemma is exacerbated by a dual message that women, especially young women, receive from social expectations. Have sex with the bad boys, marry a stable provider. It’s more tersely and severely explained in the four words, “alpha fucks, beta bucks”. Sheryl Sandberg in her book “Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead” even admits it:

“When looking for a life partner, my advice to women is date all of them: the bad boys, the cool boys, the commitment-phobic boys, the crazy boys. But do not marry them. The things that make the bad boys sexy do not make them good husbands. When it comes time to settle down, find someone who wants an equal partner. Someone who thinks women should be smart, opinionated and ambitious. Someone who values fairness and expects or, even better, wants to do his share in the home. These men exist and, trust me, over time, nothing is sexier.”

Here we have a successful executive exhorting the dating dilemma at full volume. She’s telling young women to sow their wild oats sexually, just as young men are biologically driven to do. But Sandberg is completely blind to the biological realities that men and women are different. A woman’s biological motives are very, very different than a man’s biological motives. To make the dilemma worse for younger women, consider this Twitter hashtag that is percolating through the Twitterverse: #nohymennodiamond.

This only describes the nature of the woman’s dating dilemma. The other part of social expectations, as well as an element of biology, is how men are expected to respond to their dating dilemma. We men supposed to help in some way. The subreddit author presents this well:

Society and the culture tells you it is your problem. You have to offer yourself up to be her Boyfriend, because that’s how you’re going to get sex. Society tells you this is your problem because our hypothetical girl is Not Happy, and it is men’s job to Make Her Happy. What’s more, you’re told that if you Make Her Happy then She Will Make You Happy (“happy” being you will get your dick wet).

Well, no. No, being a Boyfriend will not Make Her Happy. You undertaking herculean effort to satisfy her will just make her less happy. Your beta boyfriends don’t enrapture her with joy; you just piss her off.

Stop trying to solve your dating/sexual problems by taking on and trying to solve HER problems. Her problems are not your problem to solve.

This is crucial for men. The white knight instinct must be completely stifled. In effect, a guy shouldn’t be a schmuck.

Men, YOUR dating/sexual problems will be well on the way to being solved when you focus on yourselves, your wants, needs, hopes, dreams and desires. Your dating/sexual problem is that you are not awesome and your lives aren’t what you want them to be. You’re overweight, you don’t eat well, and you don’t take care of yourself. You don’t exercise, you don’t take care of your body and you don’t dress well. You don’t look and feel your best. You don’t like your job or you’re not all that good at your job. You don’t have anything in your life you really enjoy being or doing, just for you.

You don’t need to be nicer. You need to hit the gym. You don’t need a girlfriend; you need more men around you to sharpen and hone you. You don’t need to spend time figuring out how to be what she wants; you need to spend more time deciding who you are. You don’t need to spend money on her; you need to get some better clothes and a haircut.

Her problems are not YOUR problems. Let her figure out that Chad’s not coming back. Let her figure out how to get commitment from a suitable man. YOU need to figure out how to be the most awesome man you can be. When you are, then you’ll be the one who decides on commitment or not; you’ll decide how and when and where your resources are best allotted.

But the thing is, it’s not my problem to solve [her dating problems]. And it isn’t yours either. Identify it. Mull it over, empathize if you want. But don’t try to fix it, solve it, resolve it, change it, alleviate it, or wish it weren’t so. Just don’t. Because you can’t alleviate it one bit. You cannot change it. Wishing it away is totally ineffective. The ONLY thing you can do is to get better yourself.

Here’s a great irony to all this. If a man does help a woman with her dating dilemma, he’s helping her to be more attractive to other men rather than working on his own attractiveness. So, the schmuck helps some dame have a higher sexual/relationship market value and along comes Chad Thundercock to sweep her off her feet. Or, sweep her onto her knees. No, the man must work on himself first and work on himself for only himself, not to impress some mythical, unicorn of a woman.

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On Feminine Pleasantness

[Note: Lots of links in this post to other blog posts I’ve written over the years]

Life is not easy. This is known. How we respond to the difficulties of life illustrates our essential character. Because men and women are different, the two sexes will have different emotional responses to life’s challenges. Men might become more intense, more focused as he concentrates to solve the problems at hand. That’s masculine and because the masculine attracts the feminine, women will be attracted to that.

The culturally discordant plague of “strong and independent” women try to face life’s problems by responding in a masculine way with the same focus and concentration that a man would manifest. But this is contra naturum and impacts women quite negatively in terms of mood and unhappiness. Trying to act like a man simply doesn’t make women happy and this, taken one step further, makes women less attractive to men. Please have a look at the five noble rules of dating.

In the realm of dating and attraction, consistent unpleasantness should never, ever be tolerated by a man. A woman having a bad day or days certainly happens. Having a bad week, month, or year where a woman’s mood never improves is a reason to stop dating that woman. Yes, that includes PMS and menopause. Guys, it’s not your job to make her overall mood and general happiness better. Emotional self-control comes from within and that includes the woman (or women) you are dating. I am not heartless. It’s perfectly reasonable to avoid making her bad mood worse. But if that means constantly walking on eggshells, just leave. It’s not worth the cost to your psyche to be dating such a personality type.

Have you heard or read either of these two hoary platitudes “If Momma’s happy, everyone is happy” or “happy wife, happy life”? Both those sentiments are complete crap. If Momma is unhappy, she’d best get her shit together emotionally. If wifey ain’t happy, it’s not the husband’s nor the family’s responsibility to boost that happiness, especially at the expense of the happiness of others. The woman who “speaks her mind” is also related to this.

A happy and pleasant demeanor is very feminine. A woman’s smile, despite her personal adversity, can melt a man’s heart. Actually, the ability to smile throughout tough times is ferociously attractive in a woman. It’s a wonderful sign of emotional resilience and self-reliance. Kindness, pleasantness, and caring are too often the first qualities a woman abandons when faced with adversity. A blast furnace of social expectations and media messages encourages women to act against their essential nature. This is where the bossy and domineering notion comes into play and it’s not something natural in a woman.

To be blunt and tactless – ladies, go be unhappy on your own time and keep it away from men and the dating process. When your feminine graciousness and pleasantness is restored – that’s up to you and no one else – meet men, go on dates, enjoy your life as you pursue your relationship goals. Your family and female friends will be there to help you through the tough times. Dates, boyfriends, fiancés, and husbands are not the ones to restore your happiness. This is part of your emotional self-control, a very attractive thing, indeed.

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Guys, Don’t Be A Schmuck

Early in the dating process, when a man and a woman have clear mutual attraction and the possibility of a serious relationship is on the near horizon, women often develop some unpleasant expectations from the man. She starts to feel that the man owes her something, something tangible that costs him money. She calls it generosity . He should call it exploitation.

Guys, here’s the rule – if you’re not also directly enjoying the act of your generosity through her actions, you’re a schmuck, a putz, a nebbish. You’re being exploited in the most venal, selfish way imaginable. I say directly enjoy because her smile and words of gratitude are fleeting and can vanish with a mere thought on her part. Smiles and words are too easy for women. She has to earn, through actions over time, your generosity.

If you don’t expect to directly enjoy your generosity through her actions, she will lose respect for you. You’ve become a beast of burden, only deserving to be figuratively whipped when your generosity again becomes necessary for her. No woman respects a man who is in that position. Her hindbrain is telling her that he’s weak and supplicating, no matter what her words might indicate – actions over words, above all.

When a woman expects generosity, a man must directly communicate his own expectations in return. Here’s the immediate response he must deliver when she mentions his “generosity”: “What will you do for me?” There’s nothing selfish about this. That question is the manifestation of a man standing up for himself. He’s showing some backbone. He’s showing confidence. The woman will likely spew out some feisty words in response but a man must ignore that logorrhea. Instead, he must look to her subsequent actions, they will likely be diametrically opposed to her words.

A woman’s expectation of generosity is also a huge shit test for the man. If he says no, he fails that test. If he says yes, he also fails that test. If he applies serious conditions to that generosity expectation, he passes the test. “Sure, I’ll buy that for you, what are you going to for me?” If her response is that her presence is enough or that she’ll stop dating him if he doesn’t, then the man must gird his loins and cut her adrift because she’s simply too selfish to maintain a relationship beyond casual dating. She perceives herself as a special snowflake princess, the type of woman to avoid.

I am completely aware that the definition of generosity does not imply a reciprocal action from the receiving party. But women demand generosity, a concept that also flies in the face of the that word’s dictionary definition. A man’s generosity must be random and unpredictable. It will mean so much more to her. As well, she’ll likely respond in a reciprocal fashion. And guys, don’t forget that dependability and predictability are not attractive to women, no matter what they might say.

Relationships during the early phase of dating is when the pattern of expectations is formed. If she expects generosity and he delivers it consistently and dependably, he’s a schmuck and she will find someone who has some backbone. You’re welcome.

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Deconstructing A Woman’s Online Dating Profile

Even though I don’t recommend that post-divorce guys spend all their dating efforts thrown toward online dating, it is still a valid tactic to utilize. To that end, I still review female profiles to note trends, bad and good profiles, and specific profiles that can be educational for post-divorce single men. Here’s one that I found very recently on one of the online dating websites where I have my own profile (I’m not linking directly to it):

I live on the ocean and love everything pertaining to the water. The beach, deep sea fishing, snorkeling, jet skiing, speed boats, yachting and taking walks on the beach. My other interests include NBA/NFL games, Indy 500, the horse races, polo matches, concerts, yoga, working out, festivals, art showings, Broadway, wine tastings, traveling, weekend get aways, going to the movies, cooking, trying new restaurants of all ethnicities and cultures, taking a ride down the beach on the back of a Harley, reading, fashion, interior design, thunderstorms, fresh flowers and kissing. All my photos are current within the last 6 months to present.

Note what I have put in bold face in her profile. Such enthusiasms are hardly inexpensive. These are things she has experienced in the past and fully expects them in the future. Woe be unto the man who does not provide such things. He will not have dates or a relationship with this woman. For the vibrant, charismatic man who can deliver up some yachts or polo, there is a surfeit of younger women who would happily occupy space on deck (or dick). Often, there will be a group of such women if the yacht is big enough or the polo match is prestigious enough. This is South Florida, after all. Here’s a somewhat related blog post of mine that addresses some of this.

Most of this woman’s 13 photos show a very attractive, slender, blonde woman with a very nice smile. It’s important to know that such photos are nothing more than labeling on a package. Without actually meeting her, there’s nothing in her profile to indicate what she’s like as a person, only that she’s very attractive physically and likes expensive things. Of course she will get a metric shit-ton of incoming messages from thirsty guys who can see nothing beyond her looks.

As is typical, she mentions almost nothing as to what she offers a man other than her looks. Of course, she describes what she wants in a man. I want chemistry, passion, loyalty/honesty. A vibrant, intelligent, loving man. There’s even a further challenge for her. She’s 5’10” tall and hypergamy demands she dates a taller man, even more limiting her dating pool. This is all well and good. All women have preferences, even demands. But until they specifically state what they offer a man (something that he actually wants!), it’s still a solipsistic state of affairs and self-limiting for her.

This woman did look at my profile, this is how I found her. But as I won’t be providing such those activities she enjoys, I won’t be sending her a message. To her credit, her preferences aren’t the usual 463 bullet point checklist (HT Heartiste) as is typical for most women regardless of age. The key take away for men is that women expect their lives to continue on the same financial and material trajectory they established when they were younger. In fact, they expect that trajectory to be upward and fully expect the man to provide that.

Guys, consider yourselves advised.

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Busy Social Life, Busy Intellectual Life

I continually exhort my male readers to be more social. Many of my blog posts are about the difficulty that post-divorce men have with their social lives, actually, their lack of a social lives. The response has been favorable because it’s very clear that having a social life is emotionally healthy. For the 400th time, human beings are social creatures.

Being intellectual is about critical thinking and subsequent research. It’s about the exploration of ideas such as history, science, psychology. It’s the vast universe outside of ourselves. It’s the opposite of solipsism. It’s also the opposite of emotional introversion. Men are particularly good at this. As for the subjects of a man’s intellectual life, that’s a subjective thing. Personally, I’m into American social history from WWII to the present. But if a guy is into astronomy, that’s just as cool.

A healthy intellectual life does not mean the monkish life of an idea-absorbed academic. Worse, being obsessed with a particular intellectual subject is unhealthy and can work against a good social life. A man’s intellectual life must be balanced with a healthy social life. Keeping in the theme of critical thinking, it’s vital that a man exposes himself (heh) to differing opinions and intellectual ideas. If guy is a Democrat, it’s good for him to hang with Republicans every now and again and NOT talk politics, just be social by making some chit chat and small talk. It won’t kill anyone. Bonus, it builds social confidence.

A healthy intellectual life must never be about tunnel vision or proselytizing. A man on a date trying to persuade the woman to a certain point of view can be a serious turnoff. He might come across as a blowhard, a terrible man to be. An intellectual blowhard is just as bad as a political blowhard. Real life sociability is not the general social nastiness the Internet. The atheists, Christians, and conspiracy guys need to seriously tone it down when out and about in meetspace.

Here’s the serious bonus of having a healthy intellectual life – women are attracted to smart guys. A guy with a well-spoken brain can make a dame swoon. It’s actually quite consistent, especially for women over a certain age. The key here is well-spoken. This is about backing up a healthy intellectual life with good communication and social skills. I do understand intellectual passion. I have it myself about the subjects I write about. But guys, don’t let your intellectual passions overwhelm you when you’re in social situations. It’s fine to allude to it or bring it up in passing. Just know that not everyone is fascinated if Pluto should be considered a planet or not.

A Man’s Adversity Is His Test For Women

As everyone knows, I’m dealing with a serious medical condition that’s ultimately fatal. Very recent changes to my health status have made things even more challenging. When I get the results from some medical tests, I’ll share here.

When I tell the women in my life about all this, I get some interesting responses. Most women simply don’t want hear my bad news. This doesn’t suprise me and nor does it bother me. As I have learned about human behavior I have also learned that women are mostly selfish. They want life to be about themselves. It’s a solipsistic point of view. A man facing serious stuff is a boat anchor on their lives.

Again, this doesn’t bother me. It’s my job to deal with the adversities that face me. But I’ve found it very illuminating regarding how the women in my life react to what I’m going through. The few who really care are incredibly sympathetic and supportive, even it’s beyond their comfort zone. These women really do care and it’s comforting to me. The rest… eh, they’ve made their motivations clear. Relationship material, they are not, even as friends.

There are two take-aways from my unique experiences:

1. Men should shut the hell up about their adversities when talking to women even if those women claim to be friends. Yes, this is cold and tough advice. However, there is a caveat here. If a man has faced an adversity and overcome it, he can bring it up. He shouldn’t make a huge deal of it. Rather, it should be a subject mentioned in passing.

2. If a woman is not emotionally invested in you, she will not care about your adversities unless you’ve overcome those adversities. She only wants to be entertained by you or that you are generous with her. Without that emotional investment, she will completely eschew your travails because, fundamentally, it’s all about her, solipsism 101.

As I’m over a certain age, I have gained insight into women also of a certain age. Many times I’ve read about the complaints from single women regarding men – “All they [men] want is simply a nurse or a purse”. That’s honest and understandable. On the flip side, men simply want youth and beauty, regardless of the men’s age or health. But he must have something to offer just as the women must have something to offer.

What Does She Offer?

Through the miracle of Twitter, I was linked to this article:

Here’s the full transcript. My comments are at the bottom

For many single women over 50, the idea of dating creates angst, frustration, and confusion. But as a dating coach for women, I’m here to tell you, “Please don’t fret!”

The truth is— those 20-something gals have nothing on you when it comes to dating prowess. Surprised to hear me say that? Don’t be! Here’s five pretty fantastic reasons why dating over 50 is actually light years better than in your 20s.
So, let go of those false notions that you’re behind the game in any way. Ladies, it’s time to enjoy the dating process and realize that your love destiny is as bright and beautiful as you are. And knowing that makes all the difference because, as you can imagine, your outlook on men and dating is a huge factor in your experience and results.

Here are the five reasons dating over 50 is where it’s at:

1. At 50, you know who you are.

Today, you approach dating with a wealth of life knowledge. You no longer wonder who you are, as you might have in your 20s. Stop and take note of this and give yourself a chance to feel empowered by it.

According to WebMD, women over 50 feel more self-assured, know what they like (and don’t like), and trust themselves more. That’s the benefit of life experience—greater confidence. No, this doesn’t mean you have it all figured out, but you’ve been there and done that so you can now be yourself and enjoy.

Did you feel that way at 22? I doubt it. Back then you were still “finding yourself”, endlessly comparing yourself to others and worrying about what people thought. Confidence was hard to come by. You had to try things to discover your preferences, which meant you probably learned some hard lessons.

The benefits of this experience a 50 are remarkable. Now, apply that wonderful life knowledge and confidence to dating! You know what you like about men and relationships, and what you don’t. Let that be your guide as you start meeting men and dating.

2. You have no desire to start a family.

So much freedom comes with no longer hearing the tick-tock of your biological clock. You’re past having kids, and if you do have children, they’re older and need less of your time.

In your 20s you were looking for a man you could start a family with. Your criteria for a mate was much different, seeking a guy who could be a good provider and father. Later in your 20s, the clock ticked louder, which put pressure on you to make choices in partners that maybe weren’t the best.

Now you are either free from most child-rearing duties, or completely finished. Congratulations! Fighting with a potential partner about parenting approaches is not an issue any longer. And you don’t need a pick a man based on his potential as a father. In truth, many women in their 50s no longer need a man to act as a provider either because they are financially independent.

This means, now you can focus on having fun! You have the freedom to choose a man because he knows how to enjoy life and is ready to share that with you. Sounds good, right?

3. You have relationship experience.

Reaching your 50s, you’ve been married or you’ve been in relationships, so you’ve acquired the communication skills to handle issues that crop up (you’re also mature enough to know issues DO crop up as part of healthy, normal relationships). Now, you’re no longer afraid to speak up because you’ve seen things can and do work out. Calm conversations, logical thinking, and giving each other a chance to express concerns leads to working through problems successfully.

Remember your first fight with a boyfriend in your 20s? That was an insane amount of drama! You made mistakes, said the wrong thing, stormed out of the room, and worse. You had little knowledge of how to discuss a situation calmly, make your point fairly, or compromise.

When dating over 50, you know what type of behavior is unacceptable, how to resolve problems, and when it’s smart to compromise to get back to the pleasure of his company. That experience makes all the difference. Apply that wisdom to dating and finding love this time around. There’s no guarantee of perpetual bliss, but love is fabulous after 50.

4. You don’t need him to “put a ring on it.”

Many women over 50 married at least once, so you’ve likely already walked down the aisle and had the big wedding. Now, getting married isn’t such a pressing need. Many divorced people over 50 don’t want to marry again, even though they do want a long-term, committed relationship. You are free to choose.

Being family-minded in your 20s, marriage was vitally important. Your friends got engaged left and right and you started to feel out of the loop if you weren’t going in the same direction.

At 50, the pressure is off. You can “live together apart”, live together, or get married. This opens a world of options to connect with men. Of course, you can still choose to marry, but that’s entirely up to you. I’m not at all trying to dissuade you. But when you don’t marry, you avoid legal battles in the event things don’t work out and retain a measure of freedom in your relationship if you want that.

5. Men over 50 are more tender.

Not only have you improved with age, but so have the men. Dr. Joel Block—sex therapist and author of Sex Over 50—claims men over 50 are “more tender.” Apparently, as men age they get more comfortable with intimacy and can become nurturing. As people age they grow wiser and fine-tune their relationship skills.

Back in your 20s, do you remember men being nurturing, tender, or wise about women and their needs? Well, maybe a few were, but for the most part—both genders are just muddling their way through the confusing maze of dating and relationships.

So, you see, ladies—the chances of finding a man who understands you are better than ever over 50.

You can meet a man who is more caring and wants to make love work … without stressing about finding a provider, rushing to the altar, or getting pregnant. You know yourself and what works for you. This is ideal for dating and finding love after 50.

But you must make yourself available so the right guy can find you!

Trouble is, men can’t find you unless you put yourself out there. It’s time to socialize, get online, and have friends and family fix you up. Learn about how dating works today and then move forward with confidence, because honey, you are still a great catch and there’s a man out there who will be so lucky to find you.

Are you a single woman over 40 who is ready to start dating or dating but not meeting the right men? Get the proven dating advice you need from a dating coach who specializes in helping women over 40 with loads of success stories. Download my free book: [Redacted] so you can avoid heartbreaking missteps on your way to finding the magic of love.

The author of this article clearly has something to sell, and when dealing with dating coaches for the post-divorce crowd, always follow the money. It matters little if their information is true and accurate – if they can make a few thousand bucks giving out advice, then it’s considered a success. For women, this article is feel-good pablum. Actually, it is criminally bad feel-good pablum.

A post-50, post-divorce woman must bring something to the relationship table that a man wants. If she’s not prepared for that, then she is not ready for dating. Here’s the reality: A 50-something Prince Charming is dating 30-somethings and the sooner a 50-something woman realizes that’s her competition, the sooner she’ll be successful in realizing her relationship goals. She can loudly and proudly (“I’ll never settle!”) take herself out of the dating market, that’s her option. Attractive men do what they want with whom they want no matter how a 50-something woman “feels”.

Middle-Aged Women And The Invisibility Factor

I recently read this opinion piece in The Guardian, a UK-based newspaper/website. It was posted in an odd category, “Online dating Mid-life ex-wife” The author of the piece, writing under a pseudonym, bemoans her invisibility to whom she calls “silver foxes”, guys in their fifties who still have it together in terms of looks

Here’s a salient paragraph:

There seems to be a gender imbalance, vis-a-vis the packaging thing. All the women I know are tolerant of middle age showing itself in a chap. We quite like a late flowering, in fact: the silvering, the smile lines, the coming of bodily sturdiness. We read these as signs that life has been lived and enjoyed. We read them as indicators of substance, of being substantial. In general, men don’t seem to grant us the same courtesy, at least not the men I meet online. They are highly focused on the packaging. It’s disheartening.

This is good news for guys in general. This is good news especially for guys who haven’t strapped 30 pounds of stomach fat above the belt line and who also have at least a modicum of charisma. I know personally what weight loss can do. I also know that charisma is a huge part of being attractive to women.

The author of the piece is very unhappy that men in her demographic aren’t looking at her, they look at much younger women. Well, duh.

Here’s another salient paragraph where the author asks a question to a male friend and he responds accurately:

These are just facts. Men like youth. They like long hair. They like colour. They like slender, as well. Sorry. You’re going to have to lose weight and grow your hair and wear red if you want the silver foxes to see you.

The question is, should I be prepared to change?

Change. There’s the ugly word from the whole story. We Manosphere men encourage self- improvement.

Masculine self-improvement is change. Sadly, when a guy has the audacity to recommend a woman lose weight and grow her hair, it’s usually perceived as a threat and the response from a middle-aged woman is often anger. As we get older, so much changes. What we wore and how we looked from our 20s is hugely different. Women get fat, men lose hair. This shit happens. The author of the above article is having a very difficult with recognizing that those silver foxes don’t notice her because of the changes that come with aging. The question for her is, “how many ordinary men have YOU looked at as you are out and about?”

Yeah, thought so. Change is inevitable.

If a woman in her 50s has been good with her body and her mind, she will get noticed. If she eschews those awful, “comfortable” outfits and makes an attempt at dressing herself to look more attractive, she will get some admiring looks. Being comfortable is a terrible and selfish excuse when being in public. I see that in both men and women. It’s revolting. When I want to draw attention to myself, I dress the part. But no fuzzy hats! For a man, it’s simply a matter of dressing one level up from the rest of the guys.

After an interesting Twitter exchange with the author, she made it clear that she doesn’t want my advice. That’s her choice. She also has to understand that her actions have consequences. Being unwilling to change and adapt to her current demographic landscape means she won’t meet her relationship goals.

However, I was rather flattered that she reads my blog and has been for quite some time. Noice! Stella, you’re a peach! You’re flawed and unyielding, but a peach nonetheless. If you weren’t across the pond, I’d have a date with you. Better yet, have The Guardian fund a trip over here to South Florida. The weather must be awful over there right now. We could go to the beach.

[Update: The author of the column blocked my Twitter account. Lulz!]

“Not interested in your car, boat, motorcycle…”

This is an actual headline in a woman’s online dating profile. This particular woman – from Plenty of Fish here in South Florida – has been doing online dating for several years. I know this because I checked my notes from 2012. I had indeed sent her a message and it was read and deleted. That’s fine, everyone has preferences regarding the opposite sex and I obviously didn’t match her preferences.

In her current profile, she states that she’s 50 years old. While her headline is rather negative, her text description is fairly generic. She states her music preferences and only uses one sentence stating her desires in a man. She never states what she offers to a potential paramour. At least she doesn’t have a list of requirements that are completely unrealistic. There is one line that stands out:

“…like me for my mind, not my body…play with my body, not my mind…”

Hmmm. Based on her profile headline and that particular line, it’s pretty easy to figure what has happened with her online dating experience since 2012.

1. She did indeed date a man (or men) with a fancy car, boat, and motorcycle. This is South Florida. Men with such fancy stuff can easily attract women because such stuff requires financial resources. These men promise a relationship but never make it happen. I’ve met many women over 45 here who complain bitterly about this.

2. After “dating” these type of guys and not reaching her relationship goals, she is attempting to push the dating pedumlum in another direction. She does state in her profile that she wants a long-term relationship. As well, she’s fairly attractive and her photos show it.

3. She’s still up for some sexual action: “play with my body, not my mind”. That’s cool, it’s her desire and it’s perfectly valid. She’s willing to sex up the affluent man and still commit to a man who doesn’t have quite the source of material things. Alpha fucks, beta bucks?

4. One of her interests is snow skiing. Living in South Florida, that means trips up north or out west. That takes some resources. She’s in “customer service” with “some college” so it’s clearly up to the man to fund such trips.

For men doing the online dating thing, it’s incredibly important to read between the lines. Please don’t simply look at photos and hope for the best. Read every word in the profile. Analyze those words carefully. The advantage of online dating is that the words are relatively permanent. Things get complicated when attending a live singles event where the words from women emerge quickly. Thankfully, actions speak louder than words.

I’m going to send her a message through Plenty of Fish. I will update as warranted. I won’t mention this blog post.

Another Pretty Lie Is Slain


As I’ve already savaged two pretty lies in my previous blog post, I’ll go for the hat trick with this blog post. Oh, and no trigger warning this time. Y’all will just have to deal with it. Exactly. Today’s pretty lie? Men are attracted to confident women. OK, pick up your jaws. I’ve got some ‘splaining to do. This pretty lie has three elements to it:

1. Projection.

Women are attracted to confident men. Confidence is one of the biggest attraction points a man can have. If a guy walks into a room with the right frame and a confident mien, the dames will light up. So, women think that men are attracted to the same characteristics in a woman. It simply doesn’t work that way. Men and women are different. The feminine attracts the masculine. A woman who expresses a masculine type of confidence comes across as bossy and domineering, a very effective attraction-killer.

2. Confidence is not feminine.

“OK, Private Man, you want women to be insecure.”

No, I want women to show some damned humility. A recent advertising campaign from Pantene wants women to stop saying “sorry” all the time. Eh, that works in the front lines of the office cubicle wars. I have no problem with that. But in private, away from the culturally cancerous glare of political correctness, “sorry” goes a long way and good way when relating to men. Being humble brings out some seriously protective instincts in men. It can make us feel chivalrous (damn, that word rankled me). A woman’s humility is part of the broken social contract where the war ‘twixt the sexes was actually a contract of being cooperative and complementary.

“But I’m a confident woman and I don’t need a man!”

Then you’re good for a few dates and some sexy time… then on to the next confident woman! Of course, you’ll still be in the rotation so don’t worry. A man must feel needed and a woman’s confidence works against that. Don’t like that? Date other confident women. You can buy each other lunch on alternate Saturdays.

3. Words and their meaning(s)

As an avid reader of online dating profiles written by women, I see women using all sorts of masculine words
to describe themselves. English words have connotations based on the sex of how they are applied and towards whom. Confident is a word most often applied to men. A woman uses that word to describe herself at her own risk. Here’s an excellent alternative that is far more neutral in regards to the sex of the person using it: “Self-assured”. Just like “strong and independent” is best used when describing a man, “self-reliant and resilient” is better for a woman.

It always makes me laugh when men try to act like women and women try to act like men. The differences between men and women create the attraction that helps us all meet our relationship goals.

(HT Roissy for the term “Pretty Lies”)

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