The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for the post-divorce crowd

Archive for the category “The Eternal Solipsism of the Female Mind”

A Man’s Adversity Is His Test For Women

As everyone knows, I’m dealing with a serious medical condition that’s ultimately fatal. Very recent changes to my health status have made things even more challenging. When I get the results from some medical tests, I’ll share here.

When I tell the women in my life about all this, I get some interesting responses. Most women simply don’t want hear my bad news. This doesn’t suprise me and nor does it bother me. As I have learned about human behavior I have also learned that women are mostly selfish. They want life to be about themselves. It’s a solipsistic point of view. A man facing serious stuff is a boat anchor on their lives.

Again, this doesn’t bother me. It’s my job to deal with the adversities that face me. But I’ve found it very illuminating regarding how the women in my life react to what I’m going through. The few who really care are incredibly sympathetic and supportive, even it’s beyond their comfort zone. These women really do care and it’s comforting to me. The rest… eh, they’ve made their motivations clear. Relationship material, they are not, even as friends.

There are two take-aways from my unique experiences:

1. Men should shut the hell up about their adversities when talking to women even if those women claim to be friends. Yes, this is cold and tough advice. However, there is a caveat here. If a man has faced an adversity and overcome it, he can bring it up. He shouldn’t make a huge deal of it. Rather, it should be a subject mentioned in passing.

2. If a woman is not emotionally invested in you, she will not care about your adversities unless you’ve overcome those adversities. She only wants to be entertained by you or that you are generous with her. Without that emotional investment, she will completely eschew your travails because, fundamentally, it’s all about her, solipsism 101.

As I’m over a certain age, I have gained insight into women also of a certain age. Many times I’ve read about the complaints from single women regarding men – “All they [men] want is simply a nurse or a purse”. That’s honest and understandable. On the flip side, men simply want youth and beauty, regardless of the men’s age or health. But he must have something to offer just as the women must have something to offer.

What Does She Offer?

Through the miracle of Twitter, I was linked to this article:

Here’s the full transcript. My comments are at the bottom

For many single women over 50, the idea of dating creates angst, frustration, and confusion. But as a dating coach for women, I’m here to tell you, “Please don’t fret!”

The truth is— those 20-something gals have nothing on you when it comes to dating prowess. Surprised to hear me say that? Don’t be! Here’s five pretty fantastic reasons why dating over 50 is actually light years better than in your 20s.
So, let go of those false notions that you’re behind the game in any way. Ladies, it’s time to enjoy the dating process and realize that your love destiny is as bright and beautiful as you are. And knowing that makes all the difference because, as you can imagine, your outlook on men and dating is a huge factor in your experience and results.

Here are the five reasons dating over 50 is where it’s at:

1. At 50, you know who you are.

Today, you approach dating with a wealth of life knowledge. You no longer wonder who you are, as you might have in your 20s. Stop and take note of this and give yourself a chance to feel empowered by it.

According to WebMD, women over 50 feel more self-assured, know what they like (and don’t like), and trust themselves more. That’s the benefit of life experience—greater confidence. No, this doesn’t mean you have it all figured out, but you’ve been there and done that so you can now be yourself and enjoy.

Did you feel that way at 22? I doubt it. Back then you were still “finding yourself”, endlessly comparing yourself to others and worrying about what people thought. Confidence was hard to come by. You had to try things to discover your preferences, which meant you probably learned some hard lessons.

The benefits of this experience a 50 are remarkable. Now, apply that wonderful life knowledge and confidence to dating! You know what you like about men and relationships, and what you don’t. Let that be your guide as you start meeting men and dating.

2. You have no desire to start a family.

So much freedom comes with no longer hearing the tick-tock of your biological clock. You’re past having kids, and if you do have children, they’re older and need less of your time.

In your 20s you were looking for a man you could start a family with. Your criteria for a mate was much different, seeking a guy who could be a good provider and father. Later in your 20s, the clock ticked louder, which put pressure on you to make choices in partners that maybe weren’t the best.

Now you are either free from most child-rearing duties, or completely finished. Congratulations! Fighting with a potential partner about parenting approaches is not an issue any longer. And you don’t need a pick a man based on his potential as a father. In truth, many women in their 50s no longer need a man to act as a provider either because they are financially independent.

This means, now you can focus on having fun! You have the freedom to choose a man because he knows how to enjoy life and is ready to share that with you. Sounds good, right?

3. You have relationship experience.

Reaching your 50s, you’ve been married or you’ve been in relationships, so you’ve acquired the communication skills to handle issues that crop up (you’re also mature enough to know issues DO crop up as part of healthy, normal relationships). Now, you’re no longer afraid to speak up because you’ve seen things can and do work out. Calm conversations, logical thinking, and giving each other a chance to express concerns leads to working through problems successfully.

Remember your first fight with a boyfriend in your 20s? That was an insane amount of drama! You made mistakes, said the wrong thing, stormed out of the room, and worse. You had little knowledge of how to discuss a situation calmly, make your point fairly, or compromise.

When dating over 50, you know what type of behavior is unacceptable, how to resolve problems, and when it’s smart to compromise to get back to the pleasure of his company. That experience makes all the difference. Apply that wisdom to dating and finding love this time around. There’s no guarantee of perpetual bliss, but love is fabulous after 50.

4. You don’t need him to “put a ring on it.”

Many women over 50 married at least once, so you’ve likely already walked down the aisle and had the big wedding. Now, getting married isn’t such a pressing need. Many divorced people over 50 don’t want to marry again, even though they do want a long-term, committed relationship. You are free to choose.

Being family-minded in your 20s, marriage was vitally important. Your friends got engaged left and right and you started to feel out of the loop if you weren’t going in the same direction.

At 50, the pressure is off. You can “live together apart”, live together, or get married. This opens a world of options to connect with men. Of course, you can still choose to marry, but that’s entirely up to you. I’m not at all trying to dissuade you. But when you don’t marry, you avoid legal battles in the event things don’t work out and retain a measure of freedom in your relationship if you want that.

5. Men over 50 are more tender.

Not only have you improved with age, but so have the men. Dr. Joel Block—sex therapist and author of Sex Over 50—claims men over 50 are “more tender.” Apparently, as men age they get more comfortable with intimacy and can become nurturing. As people age they grow wiser and fine-tune their relationship skills.

Back in your 20s, do you remember men being nurturing, tender, or wise about women and their needs? Well, maybe a few were, but for the most part—both genders are just muddling their way through the confusing maze of dating and relationships.

So, you see, ladies—the chances of finding a man who understands you are better than ever over 50.

You can meet a man who is more caring and wants to make love work … without stressing about finding a provider, rushing to the altar, or getting pregnant. You know yourself and what works for you. This is ideal for dating and finding love after 50.

But you must make yourself available so the right guy can find you!

Trouble is, men can’t find you unless you put yourself out there. It’s time to socialize, get online, and have friends and family fix you up. Learn about how dating works today and then move forward with confidence, because honey, you are still a great catch and there’s a man out there who will be so lucky to find you.

Are you a single woman over 40 who is ready to start dating or dating but not meeting the right men? Get the proven dating advice you need from a dating coach who specializes in helping women over 40 with loads of success stories. Download my free book: [Redacted] so you can avoid heartbreaking missteps on your way to finding the magic of love.

The author of this article clearly has something to sell, and when dealing with dating coaches for the post-divorce crowd, always follow the money. It matters little if their information is true and accurate – if they can make a few thousand bucks giving out advice, then it’s considered a success. For women, this article is feel-good pablum. Actually, it is criminally bad feel-good pablum.

A post-50, post-divorce woman must bring something to the relationship table that a man wants. If she’s not prepared for that, then she is not ready for dating. Here’s the reality: A 50-something Prince Charming is dating 30-somethings and the sooner a 50-something woman realizes that’s her competition, the sooner she’ll be successful in realizing her relationship goals. She can loudly and proudly (“I’ll never settle!”) take herself out of the dating market, that’s her option. Attractive men do what they want with whom they want no matter how a 50-something woman “feels”.

Middle-Aged Women And The Invisibility Factor

I recently read this opinion piece in The Guardian, a UK-based newspaper/website. It was posted in an odd category, “Online dating Mid-life ex-wife” The author of the piece, writing under a pseudonym, bemoans her invisibility to whom she calls “silver foxes”, guys in their fifties who still have it together in terms of looks

Here’s a salient paragraph:

There seems to be a gender imbalance, vis-a-vis the packaging thing. All the women I know are tolerant of middle age showing itself in a chap. We quite like a late flowering, in fact: the silvering, the smile lines, the coming of bodily sturdiness. We read these as signs that life has been lived and enjoyed. We read them as indicators of substance, of being substantial. In general, men don’t seem to grant us the same courtesy, at least not the men I meet online. They are highly focused on the packaging. It’s disheartening.

This is good news for guys in general. This is good news especially for guys who haven’t strapped 30 pounds of stomach fat above the belt line and who also have at least a modicum of charisma. I know personally what weight loss can do. I also know that charisma is a huge part of being attractive to women.

The author of the piece is very unhappy that men in her demographic aren’t looking at her, they look at much younger women. Well, duh.

Here’s another salient paragraph where the author asks a question to a male friend and he responds accurately:

These are just facts. Men like youth. They like long hair. They like colour. They like slender, as well. Sorry. You’re going to have to lose weight and grow your hair and wear red if you want the silver foxes to see you.

The question is, should I be prepared to change?

Change. There’s the ugly word from the whole story. We Manosphere men encourage self- improvement.

Masculine self-improvement is change. Sadly, when a guy has the audacity to recommend a woman lose weight and grow her hair, it’s usually perceived as a threat and the response from a middle-aged woman is often anger. As we get older, so much changes. What we wore and how we looked from our 20s is hugely different. Women get fat, men lose hair. This shit happens. The author of the above article is having a very difficult with recognizing that those silver foxes don’t notice her because of the changes that come with aging. The question for her is, “how many ordinary men have YOU looked at as you are out and about?”

Yeah, thought so. Change is inevitable.

If a woman in her 50s has been good with her body and her mind, she will get noticed. If she eschews those awful, “comfortable” outfits and makes an attempt at dressing herself to look more attractive, she will get some admiring looks. Being comfortable is a terrible and selfish excuse when being in public. I see that in both men and women. It’s revolting. When I want to draw attention to myself, I dress the part. But no fuzzy hats! For a man, it’s simply a matter of dressing one level up from the rest of the guys.

After an interesting Twitter exchange with the author, she made it clear that she doesn’t want my advice. That’s her choice. She also has to understand that her actions have consequences. Being unwilling to change and adapt to her current demographic landscape means she won’t meet her relationship goals.

However, I was rather flattered that she reads my blog and has been for quite some time. Noice! Stella, you’re a peach! You’re flawed and unyielding, but a peach nonetheless. If you weren’t across the pond, I’d have a date with you. Better yet, have The Guardian fund a trip over here to South Florida. The weather must be awful over there right now. We could go to the beach.

[Update: The author of the column blocked my Twitter account. Lulz!]

“Not interested in your car, boat, motorcycle…”

This is an actual headline in a woman’s online dating profile. This particular woman – from Plenty of Fish here in South Florida – has been doing online dating for several years. I know this because I checked my notes from 2012. I had indeed sent her a message and it was read and deleted. That’s fine, everyone has preferences regarding the opposite sex and I obviously didn’t match her preferences.

In her current profile, she states that she’s 50 years old. While her headline is rather negative, her text description is fairly generic. She states her music preferences and only uses one sentence stating her desires in a man. She never states what she offers to a potential paramour. At least she doesn’t have a list of requirements that are completely unrealistic. There is one line that stands out:

“…like me for my mind, not my body…play with my body, not my mind…”

Hmmm. Based on her profile headline and that particular line, it’s pretty easy to figure what has happened with her online dating experience since 2012.

1. She did indeed date a man (or men) with a fancy car, boat, and motorcycle. This is South Florida. Men with such fancy stuff can easily attract women because such stuff requires financial resources. These men promise a relationship but never make it happen. I’ve met many women over 45 here who complain bitterly about this.

2. After “dating” these type of guys and not reaching her relationship goals, she is attempting to push the dating pedumlum in another direction. She does state in her profile that she wants a long-term relationship. As well, she’s fairly attractive and her photos show it.

3. She’s still up for some sexual action: “play with my body, not my mind”. That’s cool, it’s her desire and it’s perfectly valid. She’s willing to sex up the affluent man and still commit to a man who doesn’t have quite the source of material things. Alpha fucks, beta bucks?

4. One of her interests is snow skiing. Living in South Florida, that means trips up north or out west. That takes some resources. She’s in “customer service” with “some college” so it’s clearly up to the man to fund such trips.

For men doing the online dating thing, it’s incredibly important to read between the lines. Please don’t simply look at photos and hope for the best. Read every word in the profile. Analyze those words carefully. The advantage of online dating is that the words are relatively permanent. Things get complicated when attending a live singles event where the words from women emerge quickly. Thankfully, actions speak louder than words.

I’m going to send her a message through Plenty of Fish. I will update as warranted. I won’t mention this blog post.

Another Pretty Lie Is Slain

 

As I’ve already savaged two pretty lies in my previous blog post, I’ll go for the hat trick with this blog post. Oh, and no trigger warning this time. Y’all will just have to deal with it. Exactly. Today’s pretty lie? Men are attracted to confident women. OK, pick up your jaws. I’ve got some ‘splaining to do. This pretty lie has three elements to it:

1. Projection.

Women are attracted to confident men. Confidence is one of the biggest attraction points a man can have. If a guy walks into a room with the right frame and a confident mien, the dames will light up. So, women think that men are attracted to the same characteristics in a woman. It simply doesn’t work that way. Men and women are different. The feminine attracts the masculine. A woman who expresses a masculine type of confidence comes across as bossy and domineering, a very effective attraction-killer.

2. Confidence is not feminine.

“OK, Private Man, you want women to be insecure.”

No, I want women to show some damned humility. A recent advertising campaign from Pantene wants women to stop saying “sorry” all the time. Eh, that works in the front lines of the office cubicle wars. I have no problem with that. But in private, away from the culturally cancerous glare of political correctness, “sorry” goes a long way and good way when relating to men. Being humble brings out some seriously protective instincts in men. It can make us feel chivalrous (damn, that word rankled me). A woman’s humility is part of the broken social contract where the war ‘twixt the sexes was actually a contract of being cooperative and complementary.

“But I’m a confident woman and I don’t need a man!”

Then you’re good for a few dates and some sexy time… then on to the next confident woman! Of course, you’ll still be in the rotation so don’t worry. A man must feel needed and a woman’s confidence works against that. Don’t like that? Date other confident women. You can buy each other lunch on alternate Saturdays.

3. Words and their meaning(s)

As an avid reader of online dating profiles written by women, I see women using all sorts of masculine words
to describe themselves. English words have connotations based on the sex of how they are applied and towards whom. Confident is a word most often applied to men. A woman uses that word to describe herself at her own risk. Here’s an excellent alternative that is far more neutral in regards to the sex of the person using it: “Self-assured”. Just like “strong and independent” is best used when describing a man, “self-reliant and resilient” is better for a woman.

It always makes me laugh when men try to act like women and women try to act like men. The differences between men and women create the attraction that helps us all meet our relationship goals.

(HT Roissy for the term “Pretty Lies”)

Two Single Women Over 40 – And Observations

As a smoker, I take my smoke breaks with the few other smokers in this fairly large office building. My compatriots in nicotine are mostly ordinary people working white-collar jobs, just like me. There are two 40-plus single dames who I chat with regularly, albeit briefly. They both know that I give attraction and dating advice to the post-divorce crowd.

Because they know I have a blog and I run into them regularly, I am going to be extremely diplomatic with my words. Both women are over 40 and to a 50-something guy, they are not unattractive. One has a teen-aged son, the other is never-married (I think) and without kids. So have we have Mom and Non-Mom. Non-Mom is actively looking for a male romantic interest in her life. Mom would probably date a guy if he fell in her lap.

Non-Mom is frustrated with the whole dating process. She’s making many of the classic mistakes that women make in the search for romance. But Non-Mom is actively looking. She’s doing the online dating thing and does get out of the house with yoga and walking. Recently, she gave out her phone to a guy she met on the street (think city street, not suburbia). So Non-Mom is doing that part right. She also dresses in a very feminine manner. That alone will get attention from men.

Mom, on the other hand, is more circumspect about her romantic endeavors. “I’m just so busy for dating.” My readers will know exactly that actually means. I just looked at her and stated simply, “then you’re not ready for dating.” Her reaction was expected, she back-peddled a bit and changed her approach to the conversation. Again, as expected. Her back story is all about being attracted to the wrong types of men after her divorce. Good for excitement, poor for relationships, hence, her circumspection. Mom does dress well, just not as feminine as Non-Mom.

I do talk about some Red Pill subjects with these two women while we smoke. The listen patiently but I don’t expect it to sink in very much. It takes an incredible amount of effort to be introspective enough to adjust attitudes. My readers know the process. Non-Mom will likely meet her relationship goal. She’ll be most disappointed in the whole dating scene until she meets her version of Prince Charming. This is because she’s actively working at meeting men.

Mom is receptive but too passive in her quest for romance. Her challenge is that few men in this age range actively approach women. I will wager that mostly men over 60 years old will approach her while she’s out and about. I sense she’ll take it well but wistfully wonder why aren’t guys her own age aren’t approaching her. It’s because men her age with the confidence and charisma to approach women will be approaching younger women.

Attraction and dating changes a great deal once a certain age is reached. It’s hard to understand and accept that the attraction balance shifts towards the men. A lot of guys my age don’t understand that and this keeps them from working on self-improvement to be even more attractive to the opposite sex. These same guys don’t understand that single women want to approached, even if just for validation purposes. This is the generation of men who came of age in the 1980s and were taught to be Sensitive New Age Guys (SNAGS). This is also the generation when herpes and AIDS burst into the sexual marketplace. It affected us and reprogramming is a tough process.

To my commenters, exercise diplomacy please, I see these two women almost every day. And no, no photos of them.

The Invisible Middle Age Person

This is about men and women over a certain age. When women are no longer noticed, usually because of age, there is great verbal consternation. Many words go into the ‘Net ether that bemoan the great invisibility of a certain demographic. It’s good copy and results in many page clicks. There is a great collective wailing and gnashing of teeth amongst the estrogen gang.

When men become invisible, they either buy the trappings of status – I live in south Florida and see it constantly – or they completely retreat from the dating marketplace through social isolation. Such men don’t express their deepening frustration. Rather, they unhappily accept it. It’s an awful scenario.

For men and women alike, it doesn’t have to be this way. The solution is simple: be noticed, stand out, don’t blend in with the miasma of social mediocrity.
Standing out is not easy. It’s also not the same for men and women. Three of the noble rules of attraction must be reinforced now:

1. Men and women are different.

While obvious on the surface, this is a revolutionary notion given the current landscape of social expectations. The great, and wildly unrealistic, slow-moving tsunami of “equality” ‘twixt the genders  has our generation somehow convinced that men and women are the same above the shoulders. That’s a the worst lie ever foisted on western civilization. That lie is ruining attraction, dating, and relationships.

2. The feminine attracts the masculine.

Ladies, if you look and act in a feminine manner, men will notice you. The first is appearance. Men are visual (and how many times must you be told that?) Here’s a great quote: “When I was young and clever, I tried to change the world. When I was older and wiser, I simply changed myself.” Please keep that in mind. The world will not bend to your opinion.

Whether 25 or 65, looking feminine can happen. It does take work. The term “descernable waist” is your friend. Long hair is a serious bonus. If your “friends” tell you that you shouldn’t work on yourself, please find new friends. They don’t want to see you happy with your appearance because they are unhappy with their own appearance. Femininity also means behaving in a feminine manner. Those are natural gender behaviors. What, being happy, pleasant, and nurturing is offensive? Insert eye-roll and forehead slap here.

3. The masculine attracts the feminine.

Gentlemen, you are failing. Let’s say it again: Confidence, competence, charisma, and leadership. It’s hard to stand out because it’s been beaten into your heads to keep those heads down and fit in. That’s understandable. Fitting in means being invisible. The easiest way to stand out is to dress better  and working seriously on your charisma. By the way, charisma can be learned, regardless of age.

For you guys in colder climes, you’ll have to wait a bit to take off the parkas and wear better clothes. No matter, standing out visually is an act of serious confidence. Shut up and do it – just don’t be a clown about it. Dress one level up from the guys you normally associate with. It will work.

Being invisible is the death of attraction and dating. It does not matter what the gender. Don’t be invisible.

A Potential Online Dating Profile Photo Experiment

UPDATE – This photo is now the primary photo of my Plenty of Fish online dating profile (link in the blog post). Expect updates. This could get interesting.

I do not own that gun. This photo of me holding the assault rifle (FN-FAL) was the result of a visiting friend who brought over the fearsome firearm so as to show it to me. That was the first time I’ve ever held such a weapon and the big smile was the result of the sheer novelty.

GunPhoto1

Yes, I’ve fired guns in the past – on a gun range – but I am not an owner of such hardware. I would rather spend my money on other things. As well, I have little opinion about the politics surrounding firearms but I do understand the passion that both sides have regarding gun control legislation. My own enthusiasm will always be that of providing men and women with truthful advice about attraction and dating.

What some folks might notice – aside from the large assault rifle I’m clutching – is the ring on the fourth finger of my left hand, the traditional position for a wedding ring. The ring is the result of my trip to DragonCon last year  where I helped a friend with her exhibitor booth as she sold jewelry and those ultra-cool stainless steel rings (photos at the end of this blog post). I helped with the ring sales by putting in words and numbers on the outside of the ring by using a hammer and punch. I felt like Thor but on a much smaller scale. I have lots of those rings now and I wear them on any particular finger when my mood suits me, I sometimes wear several rings at once (pea-cocking?).

That very spur-of-the-moment photo provides a very unique opportunity for an online dating profile experiment. I have a mostly inactive online dating account on Plenty of Fish (PoF). I’ve not done any recent online dating mostly because of events related to health and pavement. But the profile is still out there. Wow, I just made that profile public.

I have the option to make the gun photo my primary profile photo and see what the response will be. Should I do this, here are my predictions:

  • PoF receives complaints and my account is banned because, you know, assault rifle. Again, I’m not political about this issue but I’m curious how a photo with this type of weapon will be received.
  • PoF receives complaints and my account is banned because, you know, “wedding” ring.
  • Women respond favorably to the gun photo and their attraction for me goes way up yet they don’t notice the ring. Because, you know, assault rifle.
  • Women respond favorably to the gun photo and their attraction for me goes way up but they do notice the ring. Because, you know, “wedding” ring.

So, readers, what say you? Should I make the infamous gun and ring photo my primary online dating profile photo? Perhaps hilarity would ensue. Granted, I am a shockingly handsome fellow so the girlies will, of course, respond to that. I am just wondering how these “accessories” will impact my online dating experience.

DragonCon Photos

This is me in my friend’s DragonCon exhibitor booth. I am definitely looking awesome in that fine kilt and sporran.

I bought a new kilt and sporran to fit in. Damn, I look good.

This is the ring set up where I pretended to be Thor. We sold a shitload of those things and I got to work out my aggressions. Danny would be proud.

RingSetup[If you want to buy a ring, let me know. I can have any combination of words and letters punched on the outside of the ring. The number of characters is limited by the ring size and there is only one font. There are four different styles available. Contact me for more details. Seriously, these are cool rings and only $20 a pop plus shipping and handling.]

Online dating is the crucible of real attraction ‘twixt the sexes and it’s away from the prying eyes of political correctness. It is the behind the scenes action that reveals the true motivations of men and women alike. Read online dating profiles and be informed.

P.S. – Don’t forget to donate. Thanks!

It’s Not Fear Of Rejection, It’s Fear Of Punishment

I read many different Internet forums that deal with men’s issues as they relate to attraction and dating.  I was over at the A Voice for Men forum and found a devastatingly perceptive observation regarding why so many men don’t approach women. Here’s the post, in italics, that started the thread (in the Relations & Dating section of the forum).  My inline comments are in bold. I have some additional comments are under it.

I have a theory that the notion that “men fear rejection” is horribly misguided.

I was exploring my fears almost a year ago, and I realized: “Wait! I don’t fear rejection. I fear punishment!”

Fear of Rejection:

  • The fear that she might say “no,” and not be interested in having a sexual relationship with me.

Fear of Punishment:

  • The fear that she will express disgust or shaming or laughing towards me. That’s right girls, punish his ego.
  • The fear that she might tell her friends that I am a “creep,” and that the women will start spreading the word amongst themselves. This is good motivation to learn better social skills.
  • The fear that my advance will be felt to be dangerous, or that my interactions with women will be felt as potentially dangerous, because I did not observe some cautionary signal that women are looking for but I don’t happen to know. More motivation to learn better social skills.
  • The fear that I will show up on the radar of white knights, who will then signal that I am “under watch,” warn women of my approach, interrupt future approaches, what have you. I loathe white knights.
  • The fear that I will lose social status, be laughed at, or shamed before the local community. This is huge and I have more comments on this below.

Other Fears:

  • The fear that she will make up in her mind that not only is she not interested now, but that she will decide that she will NEVER be interested. The writer of this thread post doesn’t yet understand that there are few, if any, second chances.

When I inventoried my fears, I realized that by far, the fear of punishment dramatically dwarfs the fear of rejection. Yet, we’re always hearing talk about how men “fear rejection,” and how it’s viewed as almost an insult to women: “You can’t handle that she might say no. You feel entitled to a yes, basically.” But that’s ridiculous.

Imagine that you had telepathic powers, and you could read a woman’s mind, to see if she would say “yes” or “no.” There would be no punishments issued, because she wouldn’t even know that you asked. Would you check to see her interest? I can’t speak for you, but for myself, I’d do it in a heartbeat! I’d be constantly scanning most every woman around me, in order to find out, “Are you interested?” (..!) If I were afraid of the rejection itself, my answer should be “no.” But it’s NOT the rejection I’m afraid of. It’s the punishment.

I don’t hear anybody really talking about this, but I think that we should be talking about this more loudly.

I think we should be talking about all the ways that men are punished for doing the task that is assigned to men ANYWAYS. I am meaning how men are forced to be the ones to initiate, or else nothing’s ever happening for you. What sense does it make to force a person do a job, refuse to tell them how to do it “right,” and then dole out powerful punishments for doing it “wrong” ..? This is the most important paragraph in the thread post. Women won’t correctly tell a man how to approach a woman, that’s the Manosphere’s job.

I want us to be vigilant about making it safe for men to make sexual requests of women. And I want to get the word out that we need to be compassionate for boys and men who are making sexual requests. There’s this whole thing about shaming socially awkward men, especially socially awkward men who are making sexual requests. Yet these are the people who MOST need to make awkward sexual requests, so that they can develop to the point where they can make skilled sexual requests. I somewhat disagree. A man must learn better general social skills before he starts trying to be more assertive with his relationship goals.

My experience from talking with women is that they have simply NO CONCEPT of what the punishments are like for men. Norah Vincent wrote about this in “Self-Made Man,” and trying to explain to women what the situation was. I know a feminist woman who goes to bars in order to compete to make men cry  with her friends. I want men to go out there, and talk about the punishments. (I told several feminist women about this, and they said, “That’s not feminist! That’s not what a feminist would do!”, but… …they were all friends with the feminist who does this. They just weren’t aware that it was her.)

At the very least, whenever you hear the phrase “fear of rejection,” consider replacing the phrase with: “Fear of Punishment,” and think about what exactly are the things you are fearing having happened.

I think men are being made to take on too much crap from women, and I think men are too often serving as the servants of women in dishing out punishment and shame. I want us to push for more sensitive women. Me, too.

Us gents in the world of masculine self-improvement are continually extolling guys to have incredibly thick skins when it comes to approaching women. That makes sense when it’s only a simple rejection. Frankly, I had never considered these various punishments that might accompany a simple, polite rejection. Women – and girls, especially – do judge ferociously should the “wrong” guy approach. The thermonuclear rejection, “ewwww, as if!” is a form of emotional punishment meant to belittle a man’s ego.

For a guy established in the community and re-entering dating without adequate social skills and charisma is running a huge risk when he approaches a woman to see if there is a mutual attraction. She will likely be nice about the rejection but if she’s also part of the community and is social, she very well might assassinate his character to her friends, male and female. To me, this is the biggest punishment because it greatly reduces the man’s future chances to successfully approach other women. Likely, he won’t know why he is presumptively rejected without even a chance.

Fear of punishment is a huge reason for the popularity of online dating. If the approach can be made from the relative safety of the computer, the rejection can have far fewer punishments for the man. There’s a big caveat here. In smaller communities, there is a still the risk of punishment because women will communicate with each other. This applies to small geographical communities and/or online dating niche communities, like JDate (trust me, I know this from personal experience).

The next time a woman mocks men for the fear of rejection, I’ll be the first to speak up so I can say, “It’s not fear of rejection, it’s fear of punishment”. I urge other guys to do the same.

Dating Advice Gone Bad

I usually don’t criticize dating coaches directly. I support all successful dating coaches because they are performing a valuable social function, especially in regards to educating their clients about the essential truths regarding attraction and dating. A successful dating coach is an excellent counter-balance to the vast amounts of politically correct (and damaging) dating advice that permeates the media and Internet like a lethal virus.

Through the miracle of Twitter, I was alerted to the most recent blog post from Miss Solomon and her dating coach business, “The Dating Truth”. The title of the blog post says it all, “WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINISTS IN DATING”. Her full post is here. Overall, the blog post is rather disjointed. The lengthy quote in the beginning of Miss Solomon’s blog post is simply feel-good stuff with the purpose of making the female readers, well, feel good. You go, grrl! It has little to do with the reality of attraction and dating.

For the rest of her blog post, my comments are in boldface. I’m keeping my tone as reasonable as possible because I’m sure Miss Solomon means well, she’s simply lost her focus on this one post because many of her other blog posts are truthful and reasonable.

In dating, women are incredibly apologetic. We’re sorry when we react emotionally, we’re ashamed when we’re single at a certain age and we compete for men who let us humiliate ourselves in the name of love.

There’s nothing wrong with being apologetic. That’s a sign of humility, a wonderfully attractive feminine characteristic. Sometimes, women do get too emotional and apologies are important. Practicing emotional self-control is the best tactic. Emotional self-control is the hallmark of a mature adult. Finally, women do compete for the most attractive men. This is a firm reality of Dating 2.0 and the nature of attraction. Not liking that is like not liking the sun rising in the East.

Why?

Women don’t see themselves as equal to men in dating. We have conditioned ourselves to believe that we are chosen by men and we have to do everything we can to be “his choice” and when we’re not we find ways to apologize to the world for it.

Women and men are so different that equality in the context of dating is pointless, frustrating, and self-defeating. There is no “conditioning” The attractive men certainly do the choosing in regards to relationship commitment. Men are the gatekeepers of commitment. This is biology. This is DNA. This is not “conditioning”.

Adding a little feminism in dating isn’t about the woman paying for the date. It doesn’t mean women should ask men out more often or have sex casually. Being a feminist in your love life means giving both sexes the right to want and participate in a loving relationship.

Miss Solomon needs to dial down the hypocrisy. She demands equality in one breath and then appeals to natural gender behaviors in the next breath. She must pick one. Men will find that consistency quite appealing. Better still, men will happily pay for the first few simple dates if the woman understands and embraces her femininity (call the PC police!).

Miss Solomon can either embrace feminism or repudiate it. Given that she is a business-person and her capitalistic endeavors are based on the profit-motive, she must repudiate (diplomatically) feminism. If not, she can write for XOJane and wallow in the filth of that website’s political correctness. That won’t be so good for business.

Start to view a man as a partner and not the master of your marital destiny. It’s not the complete responsibility of the woman to be good enough, or make the relationship work or to compromise more.

Let’s be honest, men are the deciders, the selectors, the choosers when it comes to relationship commitment. With that in mind, it is the woman’s responsibility to be good enough. It is she who must bring something to the dating and relationship table if she wants to fulfill her relationship goals. This becomes more and more important as men and women age.

I understand the nature of marketing. Every dating coach and PUA “systems” dude has to deal with it. This is why I cut a lot of slack regarding those marketing messages: “Three simple tricks to [make him commit… three simple tricks to get her into your bed]” I have signed up for many email marketing campaigns and such messages are common. This is business, nothing more.

I do hope that Miss Solomon is successful and that her blog post was an unfortunate exception. She has a business and she is financially bound to give successful attraction and dating advice. She might not like it. Her clients will not like it… but the truth always wins out.

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