The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “November, 2011”

How Will They Find Husbands?

I am not good at statistics. However, I am good a sensing socio-gender trends. Houston, we have a problem. It’s going to be a huge problem in about five years, especially so for the SWPL (Stuff White People Like) class.

There is going to be a huge husband shortage. Nevermind all the beta provider talk, this is a matter of statistics. Men aren’t going to college nearly as much as women, at least for the non-STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Math). So what we have is a gender imbalance in the collegiate humanities subjects. Let’s allow the admissions departments deal with that one. Oh, to be a fly on the wall in those meetings. Political correctness meets the stark reality of demographics in an epic cage fight. But no, the serious problem is post graduation.

Hello hypergamy. Women marry up. That’s biology, don’t fight it. With a plethora of young women armed with fresh (and likely useless) Bachelors of Arts degrees and a dearth of young men with equivalent degrees, the husband shortage becomes acute. Would a young woman marry down in the realm of education? Uh, no. Hell, there won’t even be enough STEM guys to bolster to rolls of the beta provider class of men.

The MRAs of the Manosphere talk mightily of the marriage strike. Dalrock has proven that there is not an actual strike, per se. He’s better with statistics than I am and so I respect his analysis of the subject.

The marriage strike will be nothing more than college-educated women who can’t find men of equal or higher value who are willing to commit to them. Sure, the alpha/charisma guys will happily bed them but as such guys will be in short supply, they have options and average Jane Cupcake with a BA in marketing will only be just another port in a storm.

The fix to this problem? Dream on. That would require quotas for male enrollment in college, non-STEM. Here’s a thoroughly revolutionary concept: Keep the dames out of college. Yeah, I said it.

Here’s a portent of the future for hypergamous female college graduates.

Manage Expectations Early

There are some men with Charisma who are seeking more than just a series brief trysts and assignations with the opposite sex. I fall somewhat into that category. Part of having Charisma is a man’s willingness to manage expectations early if there is the strong possibility of a rather more serious relationship. Blue pill men are just happy to have the attention of a woman, any woman it seems, so they go way too much with the flow and let the woman set the relationship parameters.

Red Pill men know differently. A Red Pill man knows that by framing the relationship on his terms, the woman should be acting in her natural, non-leadership relationship position. The key is the timing and not being a total asshole doing it. As well, set only one expectation per date. If a woman hears a laundry list of your expectations, the date is going to end quickly and badly. As you escalate through your dates, you’re managing your expectations of her at the same time.

Here some easy expectations to set during the dating process. This, of course, assumes that there will be another date.

1st Date – “I’m pretty busy and usually reserve one weekend night for my friends.” You’re not going to get pinned down early. This should be re-inforced as the dating process continues.

2nd Date – “I love the feminine form and clothes that show it off.” This is self explanatory. If she shows up in a sexy outfit for the next date, compliment her, once.

3rd Date – “It’s funny, I’ve never really liked talking on the phone.” You get the idea.

4th Date – “I like having my place to myself sometimes.”

5th Date – “Lingerie looks so sexy on a woman” (even if she’s not wearing anything like that)

By the sixth or seventh date, it can very well be too late to manage her expectations. While it might be obvious to state, it’s important that you know what your expectations of her actually are. Once established, be consistent, too. Such consistency is a hallmark of masculinity and something that she expects from you.

Woman Up! Make The Man Feel Desired

I started the Woman Up meme with the intention that women look at men differently. When I read comments at Manosphere blogs/websites, I sometimes find gold. This is from Hooking Up Smart. While Susan’s blog isn’t always considered part of the Manosphere, her post’s comments clearly show Manosphere tendencies.

All women should read this from here:

It’s kind of surprising to me to hear that lots of men don’t feel desired or haven’t felt desired by the women in their lives during the past or present. I think that’s a shame. Obviously, those women need to step up their game.

I think the best way a woman can convey desire for a man before they have sex is by being sensual, not sexual. Being sexual revs up the engines for both people too much and too quickly. Being sensual, however, starts a pleasant slow burn that can’t be easily put out. Here are some ways, tried and tested by yours truly, that women can convey desire before having sex with a potential guy.

1. Emit seductive eye contact. Eyes are the windows to the soul indeed. Look at a guy like he is the tastiest morsel on the planet. This type of eye contact should be hot enough to heat both the man and woman up. It heightens the anticipation and I’ve caused men to stop mid stride with this type of eye contact.

2. Hand feed him something. I’ve found this works well. Take a small piece of food, preferably fruit or candy, and feed it to him, allowing your fingers to linger against his mouth. Let him feed you to, all the while giving him the eye contact described above.

3. Be honest about what parts of his body you find attractive. Don’t be afraid to tell him “You have a great butt” or “You sure do know how to wear that shirt”. Let him know that you find him physically desirable. One of my favorite things to do with my ex (sorry to keep bringing him up) was compliment him on how he smelled. A simple “You smell fantastic/delicious” was enough to get him going.

4. As it has already been stated, don’t be afraid to engage in light touching. Hold his hand, playfully slap his shoulder/leg, touch his shoulder, anything. Just touch him.

This shouldn’t be groundbreaking stuff yet sadly, it is.

Being Thankful – The Manosphere Way

Never mind friends and family for now. These are the things I’m thankful for from a Manosphere point of view:

  • Evolutionary Psychology – This was a serious worldview shift for me and I’m thankful that this concept is being shared widely.
  • WordPress – Despite some minor glitches here and there, this is an excellent way to blog for free.
  • Anonymity – No comment
  • The Eternal Wisdom of Men – Such wisdom should never be lost and has been instrumental in transforming my life. I am eager to share that wisdom to other men.
  • Femininity – In short supply and therefore quite special when found. It’s worthy of gratitude.
  • Blogs and Forums – Without a venue for which to easily share information, men would be criminally ignorant.
  • The Usual Suspects – You know who you are and I am seriously grateful for the opportunity to connect with you. The evil patriarchy brings serious entertainment and information. Thanks!
  • Online Dating – Without this, my blog would not have been started. Online dating continues to amuse me.
  • My Ugly Dog – Entertainment abounds! I give thanks to Lucy and thanks to that ex-girlfriend who entrusted me to Lucy’s care.
  • The Village – It’s an awesome place and so convenient.
  • Young Male Colleagues – Many are receptive to Red Pill wisdom. I find that very encouraging.
  • The Manosphere – A sometimes a wild and woolly place yet it’s quite comfortable for me.
  • Logic and Reason – Once divorced from the tyranny of emotional reactions, knowing how to use logic and reason is immensely liberating.
  • Twitter – I resisted for a long time. Silly me. Hilarity always ensues.
  • Texting – That, too, I resisted for a long time. Showing Charisma with texting is a blast!

I’m sure my readers can come up with some other cool Manosphere things to be thankful for.

Off to some turkey I go!

What Are You Really Good At?

This is my shortest blog post to date.

It’s a bit disappointing that my post about the confidence sub-routine hasn’t gotten more attention. You men looking to learn Charisma should read it. Read it again. When you’re done, answer the following question:

 What are you are really good at?

 If you don’t have a clear and brief answer, you’re not ready to learn Charisma with women. Please go away until you have mastered an activity that gives you pride and a true sense of accomplishment.

That activity must be something that you are truly passionate about and have nothing directly to do with attracting women or impressing anyone else but yourself.

You’re welcome.

Why Feminists Hate Us

Feminists loathe anyone who participates positively in the Manosphere – PUA, MRA, MGTOW (defined below). I used to attribute that feminist loathing to simple man-hating. That was too basic, too binary for me and didn’t seem wholly accurate. I finally figured something out with the help of a blogger, “girlwriteswhat” and video a found over at Dalrock’s blog. She has an interesting blog and at least one excellent (if long) video.

While some radical feminists might be up for some righteous hate upon men, the average, card-carrying feminist simply can’t loathe all men. That’s because they need men, they just can’t admit it. As girlwriteswhat states clearly in her video and in some of her excellent posts, men are still expected to sacrifice their very lives on the alter of womanhood. Men have the social obligation to put the needs of women before the needs of themselves. This is the ultimate privilege that women possess.

Us Manosphere guys, the Red Pill men, the guys who figured it out, we know better. We don’t put a woman’s needs before our own. Run into a burning building to save an unknown woman? We’d think twice. It’s that hesitation which galls feminists so much.

A PUA sees an attractive woman? He doesn’t think twice about her relationship status, his needs come first. That galls feminists, too. A man eschews a committed relationship with a woman to live on his own terms? How dare he put his own needs first? He must be a man-child.

When I read Amanda Marcotte (no link from me) rail against MRAs, I know that it’s simply an expression of her incredible fear that she won’t be rescued first from the burning building. Yet she and her ilk continually denigrate the aggressive nature of masculinity – they use the rape culture proxy – that provided the vital attitudes of ambition, achievement, competitiveness, and assertiveness that built our civilization. Note the hellish hypocrisy of women bashing masculinity yet still expecting men to suborn their needs to those of women.

Even women who don’t identify themselves as feminists feel extremely awkward when confronted by a typical Red Pill question: “What do you bring to the table in terms of dating and a relationship?” The sense of awkwardness is a manifestation of fear that perhaps the man asking the question has learned too much about female privilege and male sacrifice.

Feminists tore up their side of the social gender contract and are desperate to keep men upholding their unbroken side of that contract. But the Manosphere keeps shining a bright spotlight on how that contract is so badly broken and that men should simply no longer sacrifice themselves for the needs of women.

PUA – Pick Up Artist

MRA – Men’s Rights Activist

MGTOW – Men Going Their Own Way (Confirmed bachelors, amongst other things)

A Woman Who Speaks Her Mind

My neighbor is a somewhat elderly woman. She’s sometimes good company if occasionally batty. She’s fond of saying “I’m a woman who speaks her mind.” She’s certainly correct about that. She’ll say some of the most outrageous and sometimes offensive things. I cut her a lot of slack because of her advancing years. A privilege of old age is to be a pain in the ass.

In my lifetime, I’ve come across plenty of women who speak their minds. This meme is all over online dating profiles with most women boasting of their willingness to speak their minds. I’ve even assembled a handy glossary for such words and phrases.

In reflecting on all these free-speaking women I keep coming back to my neighbor. What a pain in the ass she is. These free-speaking women weren’t speaking freely. They were speaking rudely, unpleasantly, and venomously. They were verbal bullies and degenerate cowards who used the excuse of the strong woman motivator and the defense of just being a woman.

If a man says something nasty and rude, he can be called out on it. But a woman, especially a cowardly one, can fall back on the “never criticize a woman, you sexist pig” or the “how dare you question a woman” defenses. We have a generation of women who misconstrued “you can be anything you want” with “you can say anything you want.” Wrong. Epic fail.

A woman who speaks her mind is simply too lazy emotionally to check herself before uttering something hateful or rude. Having an internal filter is the hallmark of anyone with good character, especially a woman. Double standard? Yes, but no worse than any other. A sweet, pleasant woman doesn’t need to be a plain speaker, she would be able to get her point across even with a healthy dose of verbal restraint.

Woman Up!

Think before you speak. And don’t even get me started on women who curse. The F word is the hallmark of low class.

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Stealth Red Pill Lessons – Weekend Weirdness

I created a fake profile on Plenty of Fish. The persona is “Marcus”, a 53 year old doctor who is 6’2″ tall. He’s divorced, his kids are grown up, he has a dog, and he’s looking for a long term relationship. I found a very good photo of a very attractive middle-aged guy.

For the profile text, I put in this:

The biggest challenge is for women to re-adjust their approach to men. Women usually look for reasons to reject a man. They find the bad things first. This results in a lot of frustrated single women. To start the readjustment, I have this very simple mental exercise:

Every time you see and/or interact with a man, look for something good about him. This includes online dating profiles.

It can be something small.

It can be something big.

It has to be something.

Perhaps you see a sweaty landscaper with stained clothes working hard at his job. What’s good about him? He’s working hard. That’s a very good thing.

Maybe you have a male colleague who is not the most attractive of physical specimens. But you notice that he has a very nice voice and speaks very thoughtfully. Those are two good things.

You meet a man socially who has a very weak chin and terrible fashion sense. Yet you see that he has beautiful eyes, broad shoulders, and a great sense of humor. Wow, three good things!

You see an online dating profile with bad photos. The words, however, are well put together and are quite appealing. Good things, indeed.

This doesn’t mean changing your standards regarding the men you date. It only means noticing the positive elements in men. That’s the exercise. Simple, no?

Do this for a week. After the week passes, ask yourself this question: “Where are all the good men?”

Guess what, you just spent a week seeing them with your own eyes.

Does that sound familiar? It’s from one of my recent blog posts.

Within 15 minutes of creating that profile, it’s received three messages. Wow.

Update (a couple of hours later):

The profile is getting lots of traffic. Many women don’t even bother to read the profile, they just look at the ONE photo and send messages, favorite the profile, initiate chat,  “meet me”, etc.  I just want them to read the words. I might have to kill the profile.

Update, Day 2

I don’t know if I should laugh or cry. The profile has gotten dozens of views and messages. The vast majority of women have “Hi” as their subject line when sending a message. I suspect that fewer than 20% actually read the profile. Quite a few women are those who I messaged with my real profile and who then gave the real me the “read, deleted” treatment.

The profile now has 47 incoming messages. Amazing.

Update Day 2, evening…

The profile is getting more traffic… up to 60 incoming messages, maybe more. And many women want to chat with me.

Update Day 3, morning…

Marcus is a real hit with the ladies. Some of the incoming emails clearly show that many of these women are not reading the profile. One woman even accused me of being bitter. I guess my advice hit close to home with her and so she lashed out. Oh well.

In the weirdest twist, Nebraska lady (she friend-zoned me) messaged the fake profile with a long description of her actual dates with me, the real life Private Man, and how I screwed up.

Update Day 3, evening

150 incoming communications and counting. I haven’t bothered to read all the messages because they are all basically the same. I also realized that I put $150K+ (annually) for an income level. This changes the auto-match algorithms that PoF uses, hence the the matches I have not seen with my real profile.

Mining The Comments For Gold

Every now and again, an old post gets an hilarious comment. These two (scroll down or click here and here) popped up yesterday despite the original post being months old. The girl who posted them (same author) is a walking cliché right down to admitting being an entitlement princess.

The comments have it all (in no particular order):

  • Rationalization hamster frenzy
  • Empowered and fulfilling singlehood
  • Political correctness
  • Shaming language
  • Self-pedastalization
  • Never settling
  • Projection
  • Attention whoring
  • Snowflaking
  • Logical fallacies out the wazoo

It’s like these comments were generated by a software program. Enter the politically correct and feminist-oriented memes, set the language and personality parameters, click the Create button, and out comes a fresh comment for posting on a blog like mine.

How do these people find me?

Read and be amused:

First Comment

Neither my youth nor my beauty are gone; in fact, they’re better than they ever were, and I was born in the mid-1960s. Not a single wrinkle on my face, and the way I’m avoiding the sun, there aren’t likely to be any anytime soon.You are promoting a load of crap because you want to be the one with the power. What you don’t get is that power has nothing to do with gender. It comes from within. A powerful person is someone whose happiness and sense of meaning are not dependent on another person or being in a relationship. And not everything is about biology and fertility. As a free spirit, I don’t want kids. I love being the kids, and I have no intention of changing that.

And what’s with all this “waiting for death” nonsense? I’m working on careers in acting and writing; I’ve recently started pursuing astronomy as a serious interest, and I’ve got more exciting irons in the fire creatively than I can count. So yes, I am and am proud to be, an entitlement princess. I deserve a prince. I don’t need to settle. I can happily be single for life and never run out of joyous things to do. That means I can say no to plenty of guys who want to put me down and tell me I need to settle, that my beauty is fading, etc. The result is the “leverage” they think they have isn’t there.

Your whole “big flip” fiction is that you want women to be needy, to be so desperate for a relationship they’ll fawn all over you. What you can’t stand is that for many of us, a relationship might be cool, but our lives are no less full without one. I have every advantage in this world, and I look to my future as a six-year-old would, with every possible door and opportunity open to me. And why shouldn’t I, when lifespans on both sides of my family routinely go well into the 90s?

Second Comment:

“At our age???” You are obsessed with age, plain and simple.

To some of us, age literally means nothing. Zero. Zip. Nada.

I’m single because I want to be, because I love it. I don’t particularly want a partner. If a guy is going to even have a chance with me, the burden is on him to show why I need him at all. And if he plays the age card, well, that’s why God invented doors.

As an astronomer, I would rather spend my nights with a telescope seeking to discover a new planet than with some desperate guy.

All that beer is a turn off too. You should really consider going to AA.

Fish. Barrel. Gun. I’ve bold faced the fun bits.

To the commenter, Plutogirl:

You’re in the Manosphere now. It’s a place where men share truths about gender behavior and ignore the political correctness. We’ve pulled back the curtain to see the social pathologies that girls like you are encouraging. We simply laugh, hoist our beer, and sing a jolly tune to honor spinsterhood and the sad decline of our society.

And given all your clichés, we’ve switched to champagne and we’re all pretty drunk. You’re an astronomer? Good for you. Go make us a sammich.

The Confidence Sub-Routine Expanded

This recent post needs to be re-visited because of a comment that asked for a further explanation on the nature of the confidence sub-routine. This also necessitates examining the next prerequisite before learning real Charisma with women.

Will you go into more on how to develop this sub routine? [Also,] I am looking into a Toastmasters that is local. Not sure what to expect other than doing public speeches when you get there.

Here’s the basic definition: Confident, inner Charisma ( the confidence sub-routine) is at the core strength of a man’s psyche. It is the knowledge that he has mastered something important to him and that the mastery gives him a sense of control over himself and his social environment.

This is the essence of the confidence sub-routine. When a man knows that he excels at something, it affects his confidence. That confidence should be manifested physically, verbally, and in regard to his overall presence and frame of mind.

Here is the most crucial element to the confidence sub-routine: it has nothing to do with being more attractive to women. The confidence sub-routine is about the man and the activity, nothing more. If a man is working on his mastery and confidence sub-routine solely for the purpose of being more attractive to women, he will fail with women.

Worse, it could result in the Sodini effect. That’s the condition of murderous anger at women when a man’s confidence sub-routine (and/or social skills) have not developed prior to learning PUA tactics and there were too many rejections because of this.

So, we start here:

Creating the confidence sub-routine requires a lengthy post unto itself.

The next element of the confidence sub-routine is acquiring excellent social skills. For some men, social skills come easily. For many others, social skills are supremely challenging and hard to learn. I am also including the social skills of being presentable in appearance, style, health, and general comportment even when not directly interacting with others.

It’s important to know that social skills is the operating system that we, as social animals, must work within. The confidence sub-routine is useless without effective social skills. These skills are not specifically to be more attractive to women. Social skills are vital when dealing with everyone on the planet. There is good news – mastering an activity could very well result in seriously improved social skills. More good news – having good social skills increases the strength of the confidence sub-routine.

My recommended website for verbal and intra-personal social skills: Succeed Socially.

As I’ve just said, the social skills come next

When the confidence sub-routine is in place and the social skills are developed on top of that, Charisma with women can be learned and practiced. It bears repeating but in a different way. The prerequisites to having Charisma with women are social skills and the confidence sub-routine. With a healthy confidence sub-routine and good social skills, there not be much Charisma to learn.

This is where a debate has surfaced. Some argue that with that healthy confidence sub-routine and those good social skills, there is no need to learn Charisma with women. I feel that some learning of Charisma is necessary. It’s extremely important to know that such learning is not a replacement for confidence and social skills.

We now have the complete picture:

One of the challenges is to find the most appropriate activity to master. It’s common Manosphere wisdom that nerdy activities should be avoided. I’ll add a huge caveat to that. It’s perfectly reasonable to master an activity that is considered nerdy, just don’t talk about it with women. Witness the kerfuffle with Alyssa Bereznak, Jon Finkel,  and Magic the Gathering. If the fellow simply didn’t talk about his enthusiasm, the resulting bullshit simply wouldn’t have happened.

Of course, not being able to discuss such mastery means that the confidence must be expressed in a man’s frame of mind and physical presence. As well, social skills must be superb. If the activity isn’t considered nerdy, it’s perfectly reasonable to bring it up in conversation. However, a man must not be obsessive about it. That’s the stuff of social skills 101.

Where the vast majority of PUA systems marketers fail is the inability to teach the confidence sub-routine or even the necessary social skills. First of all, the confidence sub-routine really can’t be taught, merely given advice in regards to. The whole “fake it to you make it” is the usual mantra from the PUA marketers and this is too often fraught with epic fail. The rejection level can be too high for a man’s poor self-confidence and so the PUA lessons are worthless because those rejections exceeded the confidence sub-routine parameters.

As for Toastmasters, I have done it myself and what you’ll get is a series of exercises and opportunities to give various types of speeches. A big part of doing Toastmasters is that you have an audience of adults looking at you. You’re the center of attention. For many men, that’s extraordinarily intimidating. Not only are you the center of attention, there are certain expectations of performance. Be relieved, Toastmasters is a great group of friendly people and won’t judge you negatively.

Mastering public speaking is a great example of building inner Charisma and the confidence sub-routine. You’ll also have the opportunity to be social and than means working on social skills.

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