The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “March, 2015”

Ladies, Compliment Him

As many of my readers know, I’m on Twitter. I follow over 1,000 accounts, including many dating coaches. One of my favorites is Bobbi Palmer, based in California. She wrote in a 2012 blog post,  “10 Tips for Talking to Men

Number seven is particularly relevant here.

7.   Compliment him.
I bet you do this with just about every woman you meet. Men love to be complimented, yet women rarely do it. Be the gal who tells him he picked a great restaurant, looks hot in his black jacket or cracked a great joke. Tell him you 100% agree with something he says. Complimenting men on their mind and wit is usually far better received that doing so on their appearance. [Especially at our age!]

I thenTweeted about that:

Men love to be complimented yet so few women do it. #facepalm #dating

I got some good follow ups from that, this from :

it’s always struck me as odd how miserly women can be with compliments

Here’s a Tweet from very cool Twitter follower,

Gave my best male friend a series of compliments last night on phone, no reason. He was totally stunned.

Yup, men aren’t used to such things. I know that Mina was genuine with her compliments and I’m positive that she’s positively effusive when gives her husband compliments.

I can speak from experience on this. The women I became the most drawn to and most emotionally invested with are the ones who willingly and happily gave me compliments. That made me feel good. The others, I can’t even remember their names at this point. Guys, look at it this way, she may kiss you and sex you up, but if she’s not complimenting you in any way, she’s simply not into you.

Consider these two post-coital phrases uttered by the dame:

“That was wonderful!”

“You are wonderful!”

There’s a huge difference there and men must know the difference. The first phrase is about her. The second phrase is about him. That second phrase, my dear readers, is what men should be looking for regarding something long term – if that’s what you want.

Rollo, from The Rational Male blog (and books), had a very interesting Tweet that somewhat disagreed with my about compliments assertion.

“Compliments = IOIs [Indicators Of her Interest in the man). 80%+ of men are Betas, thus compliments are a rare. Can’t have Betas get the wrong ideas.”

I definitely see his point. It’s true that women are only attracted to the top 10% of men. Consider the Fuck, Marry, Kill game. If complimenting that top 10% gets a lady what she wants, why bother with the rest?

The problem with this is age. That game is great for 20 and 30 somethings. Once the Rubicon of 45ish is passed, everything changes. That middle group of “marry” starts looking a whole lot more attractive. But if a woman is only used to complimenting the top 10%, that yellow category gets rather jaundiced. Worse, they learn to become middle aged Lotharios or simply vanish from the dating scene because of social isolation. Women do the same, unaware that a simple and pleasant compliment to a man can do wonders for him. Remember this?

That total stranger’s random compliment to me then motivated me to blog about it. It was a completely and brief encounter that I still remember after over three years. I’d still recognize that woman even now. She had some serious woman-game going on.

What’s wrong with reinforcing a man’s confidence through a compliment? Women adore confident men. The compliment is the opposite of the shit test where a woman tests the mans adversity by artificially creating that adversity by herself. Ladies, we’re post divorce now. You’re too old for that terrible emotional fuckery you perpetrated before things got, well, older. You know exactly what I mean.

However, a compliment to a man isn’t always genuine, some men know this. The first conundrum lies in the exploitation problem. A woman may compliment you merely because she wants something from you other than romance and intimacy. Rather the compliment is awfully disingenuous collection of words meant has barely hid emotional manipulation. White Knights are incredibly susceptible to this. “Oh, Brad, you’re so strong and I really need help moving this weekend.” Brad, the fucking moron, finds himself walking up and down three flights of stairs with heavy furniture and boxes, all for a manipulative compliment while his desire for intimacy is selfishing exploited by cupcake.

All is not lost, thankfully. Another form of compliment is spontaneous and genuine physical affection with a man. It doesn’t have to be a night of wild passions, in can be a simple manner of holding his thigh when you’re sitting with him at a restaurant. Better yet, a spontaneous – even if brief – kiss on the lips will do it. Ladies, compliment your attraction to him by being physically affectionate to him. This ain’t rocket science. Human beings are predictable.

The second conundrum is the man can’t ask for such compliments, especially through passive means.  If a guy’s been on a 5th or 6th with a woman where there is clearly mutual attraction and vibrant (if only potentially for now, sexuality), he still has to maintain his frame. “So what do you like about me?” is the question a woman asks, never a man. Such a question from a man kills the ladyboner faster than his impending layoff from work. A confident man makes statements. “I know why you like dating and I know you’re going to tell me in the next five minutes.” Her answer might be something like, “you’re an arrogant jerk!”. But all the while she’s massaging your thigh and smirking. The smirk and thigh rub were the response, you bonehead! Actions over words.

In conclusion, women must stop being so miserly with their compliments towards men, especially in the context of attraction and dating. Ladies, a compliment won’t lead to an awkward rejection later on, especially if you’ve decided to a good guy. There are zillions of them out there, they’re just invisible to you. Thankfully, I have a cure for that.

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Feminine Predictability

This is a fast moving blog post. Guys, if you want to push a woman away, either a friend or lover, just remind her that she’s predictable and acts just like every other woman out there. The dames hate that. Actually, they truly loathe that. It’s a great break up tactic. So please, put her in a category. It really doesn’t matter which one. The end result is that the woman is gone. It’s really quite simple and astonishingly predictable. It matters little the age. Every woman wants to be a special snowflake but a vanishingly few really are. In fact, all women are indeed like that, utterly and totally predictable. Men are too but it’s OK to lambaste the male sex. Go ahead and check out TV, movies, blogs, websites and the like to back this up. It’s open season on men. Hey, that’s ok. It sells papers and increases website traffic.

I sometimes give out rather honest words regarding the ferociously nasty behavior of women. Women are human beings, too. They do some righteously stupid shit, just like us guys. Unfortunately, white knights step in to support the stupid shit that women do. This means that women can continue with their stupid shit. The white knights then get to pretend that they “helped” some despicable dame who had bad or usurious intent. It becomes a vicious circle. Women do stupid shit, men support it.

I’m simply not going there. When I see predictable and bad feminine behavior, I have no restraint in calling it out. This is my obligation. I see this as a way to help out other men who are confused about the feminine imperative. I also understand and can easily live with the consequences of my actions. Truths are permanent and must be spoken. If not, I’m not doing my job, my own moral imperative.

Lena Dunham #Facepalm

The New Yorker, a publication I have been reading for decades, has dove into the culturally stinky landfill of millennials by publishing something written by Lena Dunham. We all know her. Red Pill and Manosphere guys simply find her, well, rather absurd. Her piece in that august publication is entitled, “Dog or Jewish Boyfriend? A Quiz

Using the standard format of a clickbait list, Ms Lena describes 35 things that compare her Jewish boyfriend to a dog. I love dogs. I have a dog. I also spent my adolescent years in a Jewish household. I bet you didn’t know that about me. When Ms Lena compares her Jewish boyfriend to a dog, I raise an eyebrow. I’d raise both eyebrows but Lena only inspires one. Hey, at least it’s the eyebrow over my good eye.

One of my Twitter followers clued me into this story and the commentary that resulted. Thanks @AviWoolf. He asked the question regarding Lena’s piece “Anti-semitism or emasculation” and posted a link to this piece of commentary from an Isreali newspaper\. The author of that piece made some very on-point observations:

Most striking about the enraged responses was what they did not include: The impunity with which women are allowed to express contempt for members of the male sex, while cloaking their own neediness and hunger for love in outdated feminist lingo.

Indeed, nobody calls them out on things that men could never get away with saying, certainly not in print.

Take, for example, Dunham’s explanation for her boyfriend’s behavior: “He comes from a culture in which mothers focus every ounce of their attention on their offspring and don’t acknowledge their own need for independence as women.”

This is the crux of Lena’s writing. The Jewish thing isn’t as nearly as relevant as the anti-male thing. In fact, the Jewish thing is a total smokescreen to hide Lena’s general loathing for her hapless boyfriend. Hopefully, he will be an ex-boyfriend soon, at his decision. No, Lena was a clever dame. She carefully used an adjective to invoke a predictable response from the intellectual readership of The New Yorker. For that I give her the slow golf clap. For the boyfriend, based on her description of him, the Manosphere should get a him a plane ticket to somewhere in Wyoming so he can ride horses, shoot guns, and get over his food issues. That dude is way too much the hipster.

It’s encouraging how gender issues are flowing into the mainstream and international media. There is a growing recognition that something is rotten in the realm of male/female relationships and interactions. That recognition is leading to a jaundiced eye being cast on feminist ideology. Imagine that an Israeli publication publishes an opinion piece that actually acknowledges anti-male bias. That’s significant, right there. There’s also some serious stuff going on in India where dowry laws and female entitlement are working together predictably. I urge all my readers to follow the amazing @DeepikaBhardwaj and the exploitation of India’s anti-dowry laws, that 498A thing. It’s good cultural stuff.

My Blog Is Anathema To Women

I lost another one because of this blog, another woman that is. I’m quite well used to it at this point in my life. I won’t say it doesn’t hurt. It does. But the emails, comments, and donations via my blog tell me that I’m doing the right thing by speaking truth to power. Here’s the savage irony – my blog gives me strength and confidence, two things that are catnip to women. Yet the downside is that I expose here the essential truths of humanity, especially the often wretched side of feminine humanity. The dames hate that. No, hatred is a word not strong enough. My words are despised, they are loathed. Best of all, my words are feared. All Manosphere bloggers know this.

I’m not going to stop writing. This is what I do. I speak the essential truths about humanity. If humanity doesn’t like those words, then humanity can pound sand. I’ve been given an expiration date and it’s coming up fairly fast so to temper my words does a horrible disservice to my readers. Being temperate does a worse disservice to the post-divorce men who read my words and need help. By the way, y’all should check out Terrence Popp. That’s some funny (and accurate) shit right there.

So, I keep writing. If any of the women I was once involved with read my words and don’t like them, they can also pound sand because I know that I’m writing the truth. This is the Red Pill. This is knowledge that was never even whispered about before the digital age. Now, it’s being shouted from the Internet rooftops and the men – especially post-divorce men – are listening and acting accordingly to their own best interests. To that, I say “congrats!” I hope every man looks in the mirror and does whats good for him and no one else.

I’ve been MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way) for about five years. This doesn’t mean I’ve given up on relationships with women. It means that I’m committed to looking after my own interests first. If women don’t understand that or don’t like that? She gets the NEXT! After all, there are many single, middle-age women out there. Again, the irony is that women find my approach and attitude very attractive in a man. The more a man eschews women, the more he is attractive to women. Ladies, do you see the complete insanity in that? This is complete and total mental illness and it’s small wonder that one in four of you are on some form of mood altering drugs.

I have no empathy or sympathy for women. None. It’s gone. It was beaten out of me by social expectations and a cultural system that expects me to prostrate myself to the alter of womanhood. Nice try. The only reason to put a woman on a pedestal is to look up her skirt and hope that what’s under there can be accessed with some righteous Pick Up Artistry (PUA)… and then move on. There’s always another one. And another one. And another one. And another one. Related, my dog is more loyal.

Never Go Shopping With Her, It’s a Shit Test

Shopping is all about the estrogen. During my first marital administration, I remember too many trips to the mall where my ex happily tried on shoes and outfits for hours (and hours and hours) on end. I was left holding the bag, her handbag. I went along with it, not knowing that every hour spent this way was another stone chip away in the creation of the divorce sculpture. She called it “retail therapy”. Note to guys, any woman who uses that phrase is a woman not worthy of your affections. You’re welcome.

If the woman of your affection wants to shop with you, say no. Always. Shopping is a time suck for men. It’s a way for women to beat you about the head and neck with a mindless and stupid activity that emasculates you. A mall is the antithesis to testosterone. It is a place where men go to quietly die. The only reason for a man to go a mall is to meet women, on his own. If he’s there with a woman, his balls shrivel up. Sadly, the women know this. Shopping is a shit test, one of the worst.

What makes shopping an even more terrible thing is at the check out counter. She might very well expect the man to take out his own credit card to pay for the trinkets, baubles, and shoes (flats?!) that she has selected for purchase. Worse, she has picked out prudish outfits that do nothing to accentuate her figure. You’re expected to pay for a pathetically ugly cardigan that she will wear on future dates with you? #Facepalm.

There are three cures for the shopping shit test:

1. Don’t go shopping with her. Ever. It can be that easy. Just say no. She’s going to buy stuff you don’t like. Why are you involved with that?

2. Go shopping for you with her in tow. That’s frame control. You’ve got to buy some new dress shirts or a new suit. She can come in handy for an opinion in this regard. Note, you’re not going to any store where she can get something.

3. Only go to stores to find shoes, outfits, and baubles that heighten her sexuality. That pathetic cardigan she wants YOU to buy for her? Nah. You’ll offer to pay for a stripper-like top that accentuates her figure. If it’s your money, you make the rules.

For women, shopping is a legitimate enthusiasm. I understand that. But that doesn’t mean I have to go along with that. Nor should any other man.

The Man’s Shed – The Australians Are Getting It Right!

A few days back, I wrote a post about the pathology of male loneliness and social isolation. Based on that post’s comments and emails, I clearly have addressed something that is rarely discussed amongst middle-age, post divorce guys. In reading the comments and emails, I was reminded of a social movement for men in Australia – The Shed Movement. In Australia and the UK, the shed is a like a detached outbuilding where men go to do projects such as fixing a lawnmower or restoring an old motorcycle. Such spaces are firmly masculine. The American equivalent might be a garage workshop or basement. The space is not for passive masculinity such as playing video games or watching sports. The shed is where a man can be productive in his projects. It is not necessarily a man cave.

The Australian Mens Shed Association (AMSA) is a very positive response to a public health issue that impacts men very directly. Here is the description of the AMSA from their website:

So what is so special about this new type of Men’s Shed? Most men have learned from our culture that they don’t talk about feelings and emotions. There has been little encouragement for men to take an interest in their own health and well-being. Unlike women, most men are reluctant to talk about their emotions and that means that they usually don’t ask for help. Probably because of this many men are less healthy than women, they drink more, take more risks and they suffer more from isolation, loneliness and depression. Relationship breakdown, retrenchment or early retirement from a job, loss of children following divorce, physical or mental illness are just some of the problems that men find it hard to deal with on their own.

Good health is based on many factors including feeling good about yourself, being productive and valuable to your community, connecting to friends and maintaining an active body and an active mind. Becoming a member of a Men’s Shed gives a man that safe and busy environment where he can find many of these things in an atmosphere of old-fashioned mateship. And, importantly, there is no pressure. Men can just come and have a yarn and a cuppa [cup of tea] if that is all they’re looking for.

Here’s the kicker that I found shocking. The Shed movement in Australia is funded by the government. Yes, there are private donations and patrons. However, the Australian government has recognized that the social well-being of men directly impacts their health. There needs to be spaces where men are free to be themselves without the sometimes negative impact of women. Of course the Shed movement is supposed to be open to women, but I suspect that few women want to be in a workshop where things are decidedly masculine.

The AMSA website has really nailed the problem with men, especially those over a certain age:

Because men don’t make a fuss about their problems, these problems have consistently been either ignored or swept under the mat by both our health system and our modern society. It’s time for a change and the Men’s Shed movement is one of the most powerful tools we have in helping men to once again become valued and valuable members of our community.

Here in North America, there really isn’t such a shed tradition nor would any politician have the stones to recommend something like this. Instead, men are turning to the Internet to share information and to discuss issues that are uniquely masculine. This is not a perfect approach. Digital connections can only go so far. Men must be able to be together doing things that interest them. The Shed movement is doing exactly that. I urge my readers to peruse the AMSA website and, in particular, watch their videos. This organization is directly addressing masculine social isolation. Granted, they do focus on retired guys but I think post-divorce guys could equally benefit from such an organization.

A large demographic cohort of retired men is going to have a profound impact on North American culture. There will be public health issues and political issues. If not addressed by our society, such issues will have serious negative impacts in terms of public policy and public funding. I know that my younger readers are not exactly keen on the Baby Boomer generation. It doesn’t matter their feelings on the aging demographics. Politicians will have no restraint when dipping in the wallets and handbags of the younger generations looking for more funding for an aging and still politically powerful demographic group. Wouldn’t it just be better to find a way to keep men healthier before their social isolation kills them slowly and expensively?

[If you liked this blog post, support my efforts through my Patreon. Thanks.]

The Pathology of Male Loneliness

I write frequently about social isolation. It’s a huge problem for middle age men who retreat into their homes to stare at the television and computer monitors. Homo sapiens is a social animal. We need each other for so many reasons. Time Magazine (still relevant?!) recently reported on a study from Brigham Young University where researchers are sounding the alarm on what could be the next big public-health issue, on par with obesity and substance abuse.

The article is not real great on depth but does actually manage to understand the subjective, self-reporting nature of “feeling” lonely versus the objective observation of a person actually living alone. Also, I’m suspicious about the motives/funding of the study. This is a Mormon university so I can’t help but wonder if there is an ulterior motive behind that study.

“The researchers emphasized the difference between the subjective, self-reported feeling of loneliness and the objective state of being socially isolated. Both are potentially damaging, the study found. People who say they are alone but feel happy are at increased risk of death, as are those who have many social connections but say they are lonely. People who are both objectively isolated and subjectively lonely may be at the greatest risk of death, says Holt-Lunstad, though she notes that more data would be needed to know with certainty.”

This study is a harbinger of further research on the social pathologies that can cause real problems with public health. I see the problems with social isolation in the context of attraction and dating. Regular guys won’t leave the house except for work. Women tend to be more social and can’t find decent guys out in the real world. The players are happy to be social and approach women. Those guys also create soft harems of women that they date.
A regular guy can improve his chances by getting out of the house. singles groups are an excellent way to start.

Aside from the player aspect, there is certainly a public health issue to loneliness. Suicide rates for men are alarmingly high yet are given short-shrift in the media. The feminine imperative pushes back the emotional and physical needs of men. Divorce and men’s mental health is a major issue. Post-divorce men retreat emotionally and physically. When they emerge, if they do, the dating scene is one of confusion and frustration. Online dating is a minefield – more mines than field. I empathize, I really do.

For post-divorce guys, there is no magic cure. The young men have PUA. Us older guys can only gird our loins, leave behind as much emotional baggage as possible, and soldier on with all that makes us men, despite the complications of ex-wives, children, and the like. Yes, there are concrete things a man can do to increase his attractiveness. Those things take time, motivation, and effort.

For The Women – Girl Game

There was a relatively short-lived blog named “LaidNYC” that existed in 2013 and 2014. The blog is gone but the posts are still floating around the Manosphere in a variety of forms.  The original blog was primarily aimed at men. However, the post below was written for women. The advice is sound, if not a bit difficult for women to read. It’s worth it.

In game blogs, it is often asserted that women can’t have game beyond some gold-digging exceptions. I disagree. The problem is guys who make that claim are looking at it through the lens of ”guy goals” of money and sex. Sure, there is little a girl can do in that regard besides find a sucker and be a hot slut.

However, girls are more concerned with getting a man to bond to her on a deep level and acquire his love. For that, there are some things she can do.

Girls, Lets get two things out of the way first:

90 % of your appeal to men is your looks. If you don’t have the genes, this can suck but you have to do what you can: Stay thin, wear makeup, keep your hair stylish and dress to look good, not to assert your status to women.

Fear the wall. Do everything you can to delay or lessen the blow of the wall through healthy living, but know it is coming. Know that you will be gross and undesirable long before your male peers. This is not fair. This sucks. But you must accept it.

But enough about your looks, you shallow, superficial woman! What about your personality?

Act like the guys you aren’t attracted to. For example, a guy who brings gifts to a woman before sex will surely not to get laid. How about the other way around? A girl once brought me a little keepsake on our second date. ”I got this for you”, she giggled. It was a little painted figurine of something we had talked about on our first date. Nothing special or valuable. Yet I keep it in my ”girl box” full of memories of girls past, like slips of paper with phone numbers, birthday cards, panties, etc. I never slept with her (her choice), yet I still think about her sometimes.

Know how to compliment a man. For every time you call a man nice, sweet, and sensitive, tell him ten times that he’s confident, a leader, funny, charming, handsome, manly, ambitious, and athletic. Men instinctively know nice guys get cuckolded. The first girl to ever reject him probably told him he was nice. Being nice is bad. Even if he is nice to you, that is not how he wants to be defined. Show him you see him how he wants to be seen.

Leave cute notes for him to find. My favorite thing a girl has ever done for me was leave a note in my underwear drawer that said ”Roses are red, violets are blue, I like having sex with you <3”. It doesn’t even have to be a sexual note. A simple note reading ”I did your dishes babe, *muah*” gets the job done just fine. Girliness of handwriting counts. Write in pink or purple ink/marker. It is my educated opinion after years of dating that American girls need some serious work on their note-writing game.

To the guys: Steal this tactic. Girls I date now get lustful Post-it scribbles from me inside their panties and bras.

Girl up your voice. High, feminine voices are heart-melting. I have a voicemail from an old fling saved on my hard drive. She wasn’t saying anything special, just calling to make plans, but her voice was so sweet and girly that I can still listen to it and enjoy her essence. What if your voice isn’t high? If you smoke, quit. You sound like a gravely road. If you don’t smoke and your voice is not pure girl, consider some voice/singing lessons so you can better control it.

Let him do things for you, then show appreciation. The key: Have him do masculine things, not emasculating things. Ask if he’ll help check your oil or protect you from something. Don’t ask him to hold your purse or run to the store for you. He should feel like a protector filling masculine gender roles, not a servant doing a butler’s job. When he does something for you, show genuine appreciation. He’d prefer it be sexual in nature, but it doesn’t have to be. A sincere thank you is bare minimum.

Men want to be men, give him the opportunity.

Present authentic emotion. I once had the First Big Fight with a girl I had been dating for about four months. When it became clear to her that she was wrong and I really was considering leaving her, she kneeled in front of me, tears streaming down her face like a faucet, begging me not to leave her.
I saw passion. Deep emotional capacity. Modesty. Willingness to submit. Real fear of losing me. Until that moment, I really didn’t know I meant so much to her. I didn’t leave her. It brought us closer together.

Some might say ”she manipulated you by crying”. Nah. A man with enough experience can tell the difference. Not all tears are manipulative but there’s a reason women try to use manipulative tears: Men respond to real tears.

The corollary of course:

Cut out the fake tears. If you cry to manipulate and play the victim, you won’t respect the man who falls for it, and you will piss off the man who doesn’t.

Cook, clean, sew. Fill the feminine void in a man’s life. If he loses a button, you say I can fix that for you. You always have a new recipe you want him to try. You bake him and his friends chocolate chip cookies just because. Your first reaction when you go to his place isn’t to plop on the couch, it is to clean the kitchen.

Be sunshine. Brooding men are hot. Brooding women look infertile. Starting today, your default emotion is happiness. Your default facial expression is a smile. You treat people pleasantly and sweetly. You do not make sarcastic jokes. You laugh at other people’s jokes. You giggle. You don’t engage in serious or negative conversations. You are a ray of sunshine and you do not care if people who are less happy judge you for being happy.

Earn trust. There’s sexual trust, and there’s verbal trust. You need to earn both. For one, he needs to know you won’t sleep around on him. One way to show this is by not sleeping with him too fast. Men instinctively know that girls who spread their legs quickly for them spread their legs quickly for other men as well. He also needs to know you won’t spill any secret he tells you in confidence. This is, I believe, the rarest quality for a girl to have. I’m not sure I’ve ever fully trusted a girl in this regard, not even my own mother. If you are a trustworthy girl who does not gossip you are worth your weight in princess cut diamonds.

Avoid projection at all costs. Women are attracted to leadership, humor, status and ambition in their men, so some girls falsely believe they can attract men by being ambitious and status-driven. This does not work. The feminine attracts the masculine. To attract a man, do not act like a man.
I’m not just being hard on you here, girls. Men are guilty of projection as well. Beta males want girls to be devoted and emotional towards them, so they give out their emotions and devotion easily. Men are very attracted to looks so we end up with chest-shaving metrosexuals. Men are just as guilty of projection in this area as women.

A word on clinginess. If a guy thinks you’re ”clingy”, he’s just not that into you. Remember Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers alerting of a ”Stage 5 Virgin Clinger”? This was a problem because he wanted to fuck her and leave her as soon as possible. If your goal is to be fucked and chucked, then by all means present yourself as time-free pussy. If not, cling a little. Take some intiative in texting him. Give a little PDA. Show him you want to spend time with him.

I’m not saying become an obsessive stalker, but when a man is looking for a girlfriend, a little clinginess is much better than the alternative. Players don’t want the emotional commitment that clinginess signals. Boyfriend material does. The hotter a guy thinks you are and the more he wants to keep you around, the less of a problem your clinginess is.

Go forth and girlify.

Things I Hate

I’m normally a fairly optimistic and happy guy. I try to give good information to post-divorce singles about the tough experience of attraction and dating advice. I really do want singles to meet their relationship goals. It’s tough all around. I know this. I’ve been through this. So, sometimes optimism can get cloudy. This is one of those times.

Here it comes, things that I hate. Hate is a strong word but I stand by it. Do know that I follow cultural trends I see what is going on in our society so some of that will be in the list.

1. This. For obvious reasons.

2. Social justice warriors. These people are complete scum in the stupid way that all ideologues are complete scum. These people want anyone disagreeing with them to die. Thankfully, they are all mentally ill. They are all seriously mentally ill. I just hope that the world will realize that soon.

3. Human behavioral predictability. Complex western culture? Fuck you. I can say certain words and be guaranteed certain results [All. The. Fucking. Time.]. I can do certain things and be guaranteed the same thing through my actions. Damn… This is the worst of it. Bring on the extraterrestials, I’m bored.

4. Hypergamy. Yeah, this is real. But it doesn’t mean I don’t hate it. I’m happy to offer affection, passion, and intimacy. But I can’t offer material and social provisions so I have to be the most charismatic man on the planet. That’s exhausting! And my dog needs to be walked. Good dog.

5. Willfully ignorant men who don’t understand that attraction to women has subtlety. Yeah, the green light guys can mostly do whatever they want to get their dick’s wet. But that’s the small minority. The yellow zone guys have to get their shit together in order to improve themselves. Unfortunately, they mostly don’t have a clue.

6. Women who demand too much from potential dates. Ladies, here’s the question that you despise: What do you offer that a man wants? Hmmmm, tough question, no? Call your local dating coach and you’ll be asked the same question. Here’s the catch, you’ll be charged cash money for that question. Oh, the irony!


7. White knights. These guys maintain women’s sometimes shitty behavior by protecting them from their own consequences. Theirs is the worst form of chivalry.

Small Town, Shame – Big City, Technology

I follow cultural trends that specifically relate to attraction and dating. I follow a great variety of forums and websites that relate specifically to these subjects. Of course I follow online dating trends. Reading my favorite motorcycle forum, I found this interesting scenario:

My brother in law had a years-long affair. Other than getting divorced, there have been no social or cultural consequences. Everybody in his office knew he was having an affair because she worked there too. They both still work there. His kids still love him. His family still loves him. I still love him. I honestly don’t even really give a shit that he had an affair. Nobody treats him any differently at all.

There were financial consequences because he made a lot more money in the marriage, but that’s all.

[His recent follow up to clarify some:] People were surprised and disappointed at first. My point is that after a few years, it’s barely a blip on the radar.

I have read a fair bit of contemporary American social history (fascinating stuff but not enough available material). Back in the day when a person committed a social transgression, the family and local community applied shame. It was a blunt but effective way of punishing the person for that particular transgression. Sometimes, actions accompanied that shame. Merchants would not extend credit and the local country club would rescind a membership. The social repercussions would last for a long time, perhaps even requiring the person to move away. Such potential shame served to keep individual impulsivity in check. It was crude, but effective. It also only worked in communities where there were strong social connections.

We’re city folks now. The social connections are far weaker and far more temporary for any kind of social shame to be seriously effective. As well, the current socio-political landscape is that of “never judge anyone for any reason!” Nice, that removes social consequences from one’s individual actions. That’s a bonus for PUAs and young women who are “sponsored”. For the rest of us, this presents a challenge in the attraction and dating landscape. We want to meet good people of good character but there are not enough community social connections to verify “social proof”. That’s a PUA term and is incredibly accurate here.

Online dating complicates everything even more. Profiles can be faked. Descriptions lied about. Words made up or completely ghost-written by paid professionals. Now there is “catfishing”. It’s madness because of the lack of social physical connections. We are being reduced to technological connections. But with dating, there has to be a transition from the technological to real life. After all, the purpose of online dating is to stop online dating. There is where reality gets, well, real. Married daters, mental illness, addiction, stalkers, criminal pasts, serious financial issues… all these red flags can be well hidden in a profile. Back in the day, the community knew things about a person and shared this information (even if inaccurate, sadly). It served as a good filter well before an actual date might even take place.

There’s the social connection disconnect that technology might be able to help with. Never forget that human beings are social creatures and we crave that connection, preferably in person so we can hear voices, see gestures, read body language. We are also incredibly judgmental about others, particularly those who might become an intimate partner. Is this how is should be? It doesn’t matter, it’s how it is.

Technology is not a panacea at all. There are enormous technological hurdles to surmount. Actually, the first problem is the issue of photos. Are they real? Are they recent? In a previous blog post I suggested some new technology features to online dating that might help with something as simple – and significant – as an accurate and recent photo. It’s number five in my list on the post.

Online dating businesses are put in an extremely precarious situation. Given all the lies and lies by omission, how could any company verify the profiles of millions of people who post up information in a profile? Certainly some algorithms could work on profile photos. And it’s possible to scan for marriage/divorce records in certain county court systems. But how is it possible to screen for mental illness or addiction issues before going on an actual date? Many laws appropriately protect privacy. But when the date actually happens, privacy is an enormous issue. Is the online dating company liable for lies and lies by omission on profiles?

While I’m not a lawyer, I can still imagine where a single, raving loon with an online dating profile could take down the entire industry with a single lawsuit from a victim. Worse, a class action lawsuit could be arranged and the punitive (and legal) costs would destroy online dating. Of course, the unintended consequence of that would be to force singles to meet each other the old fashioned way – in person. Anyone wonder why singles groups have grown so much?

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