There is some problematic advice for women on finding love. Such advice is all too easy to find as it’s delivered relentlessly and ubiquitously. One of the worst pieces of advice given to women is the “love will find you when you least expect it.” There’s a variation of that theme in the Christian community with the “God’s perfect timing” concept. Love will find the single Christian woman based on a heavenly life schematic.
What men know, and are wired to do, is to pursue affection. Men are more inclined to pursue physical affection first. It’s what we do and no amount of social shaming will change that. No matter, because a man waiting around for affection to suddenly appear is fantastically unnatural scenario. Being redundant here – men pursue and are expected to pursue. This is why women are told to be passive.
Here is a conversation that will never happen between two men:
“Dave, I haven’t gotten laid in months, what should I do?”
“Don’t worry Steve, just wait around because when you least expect it, a fresh vagina will drop out of the sky and land on your penis. By the way, you look good with that extra 30 pounds since your divorce and those t-shirt stains aren’t too bad. Want another beer?”
Yet women are frequently given the same type advice:
“Kathy, I haven’t had a date in months, what should I do?”
“Don’t worry Jill, just wait around because when you least expect it, Prince Charming will arrive to sweep you off your feet and love you just the way your are. By the way, you look good with that extra 30 pounds since your divorce and those sweatpants look comfortable. Want more ice cream?”
Here is the same advice given in a much more accurately: “If you act and look feminine, love will find you if you are receptive and you reciprocate.” This is much better advice because it reflects reality. Being feminine (looks and actions) is flypaper to men and so men will pursue. Yes, there will be inappropriate guys flying about. But the confident man will approach. He’s the pursuer, after all. The challenge is being the receptive part. This means being physically available and being in situations where single men are around. It might involve online dating, for better and worse.
Frankly, the wait for love scenario is based on emotional pornography and it’s wildly unrealistic given women’s highly elevated self-esteem and expectations based on that level of self-esteem. Being a potential partner in a committed relationship requires thought and effort. It requires understanding that the attractive and available man wants the woman to bring something to the dating and relationship table. A woman with nothing to offer is a woman who will always wait.