The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “April, 2012”

The Timing Advice Given To Women

There is some problematic advice for women on finding love. Such advice is all too easy to find as it’s delivered relentlessly and ubiquitously. One of the worst pieces of advice given to women is the “love will find you when you least expect it.” There’s a variation of that theme in the Christian community with the “God’s perfect timing” concept. Love will find the single Christian woman based on a heavenly life schematic.

What men know, and are wired to do, is to pursue affection. Men are more inclined to pursue physical affection first. It’s what we do and no amount of social shaming will change that. No matter, because a man waiting around for affection to suddenly appear is fantastically unnatural scenario. Being redundant here – men pursue and are expected to pursue. This is why women are told to be passive.

Here is a conversation that will never happen between two men:

“Dave, I haven’t gotten laid in months, what should I do?”

“Don’t worry Steve, just wait around because when you least expect it, a fresh vagina will drop out of the sky and land on your penis. By the way, you look good with that extra 30 pounds since your divorce and those t-shirt stains aren’t too bad. Want another beer?”

Yet women are frequently given the same type advice:

“Kathy, I haven’t had a date in months, what should I do?”

“Don’t worry Jill, just wait around because when you least expect it, Prince Charming will arrive to sweep you off your feet and love you just the way your are. By the way, you look good with that extra 30 pounds since your divorce and those sweatpants look comfortable. Want more ice cream?”

Here is the same advice given in a much more accurately: “If you act and look feminine, love will find you if you are receptive and you reciprocate.” This is much better advice because it reflects reality. Being feminine (looks and actions) is flypaper to men and so men will pursue. Yes, there will be inappropriate guys flying about. But the confident man will approach. He’s the pursuer, after all. The challenge is being the receptive part. This means being physically available and being in situations where single men are around. It might involve online dating, for better and worse.

Frankly, the wait for love scenario is based on emotional pornography and it’s wildly unrealistic given women’s highly elevated self-esteem and expectations based on that level of self-esteem. Being a potential partner in a committed relationship requires thought and effort. It requires understanding that the attractive and available man wants the woman to bring something to the dating and relationship table. A woman with nothing to offer is a woman who will always wait.


God’s perfect timing = hamster food?

The Female Self-Esteem Crisis

Emotional Pornography

Woman Up! Make The Man Feel Desired


Insatiable (With Work Safe Photos!)

I’m talking to you, the person reading this blog. You’re freaking insatiable and it’s a real challenge to keep up with you. You expect a post every damned day. I’m getting rather worn out. The wellspring of ideas is getting dry. I’ve even been reduced to recycling posts. That made me feel exploited and dirty. What more do you people want?

Here’s what I suggest to you, the person reading the blog. I have over 280 posts in the archives. About 200 hundred are in the list on the right after you scroll down. The rest are located in the month to month links, also visible after scrolling down. Once you’ve done some reading there, you can hit up the links to other blogs and various websites. A few links are broken and I hope to be fixing those.

If you’re lazy and just want to read something fast, I present this print advertisement from the 1950s. Note the aloof, almost indifferent attitude of the guy and the fawning attitudes of the dames. Nice work, buddy. You’re alpha and it shows with your Van Heusen shirt.

Here are two more photos:

Big People, Not Attractive

Normal People, Quite Attractive

Punchline? Same people. Weight loss and better health, what a miracle.

Carry on with your bad selves.

A Man Expressing Emotions

“A man should get in touch with his emotions and express them more.”

While far less frequent, that mantra is still being spoken, particularly by men and women over 40. Such a sentiment is a throwback to a time when men where supposed to be sensitive, new age guys (SNAGS). I felt the SNAG calling and successfully managed myself into the FriendZone over and over from late high school and into college by being a SNAG. Being a SNAG went part and parcel with my mother’s wretched advice of “be nice, be yourself.

During a sprint of first dates some months ago, I was struck by this common complaint from the women: “All the guys I’ve had first dates with bitch and moan about their ex-wives”. I found this quite troublesome. Such complaining is very off-putting to women and it’s very common advice for guys not to do this when on early dates. Why was this still going on with men? There answer is simple: They were told to through that old social expectation of men being in touch with their feelings.

Bitterness about an ex-wife is a valid emotion. Growing up with the social expectation to express emotions, a man showing such bitterness is simply doing what he was (is?) encouraged to do. Sadly, these poor schmucks didn’t get the memo that showing emotion to a potentially new woman in his life is all about the timing. Too soon, and the woman gets freaked. Too late, and it’s break up and/or divorce town.

Having emotions is an essential part of our humanity. How those emotions are expressed breaks down along gender lines. Women are allowed to express all emotions relatively early in the dating scenario. Men are allowed to express only certain emotions relatively early in the dating scenario. Here’s my sage advice to men – you are only allowed to express restrained joy and happiness when you start dating a dame. If any of you guys are bitching and moaning about ex-wives/girlfriends on early dates, I’ll send over my ugly dog to bite you viciously right on your buttocks.

Here is some astoundingly sage advice from Susan Walsh over at Hooking Up Smart:

Witnessing signs of a person’s humanity should be a prerequisite for exclusivity.

Gentlemen, this is gold. Just don’t overdo it and be alert to the timing issue.

My Readers Are Brilliant

My previous post yielded some excellent comments. Buried in the many comments was this gem from Wudang:

Men seek challenge, difficulty, and excitement outside of relationships in work, in war, in sports etc. and are ok with and often want this to be difficult and challenging. But their personal lives they want to comfortable and not so difficult and challenging. Women are the reverse preferring work to be more comfortable and their love lives to be filled with the challenges. Men like real life risk and dislike relationship risk/emotional risk. Women dislike real life risk and like relationship/emotional risk.

This is simply brilliant because it so nicely captures the essence of both the masculine and the feminine in regards to work and relationships. Why is that this kind of relationship wisdom is so prevalent in the Manosphere yet so rare in the mainstream media?

Men Like A Challenge? Bullshit! Conventional Dating Wisdom Is Slain

I read a great deal of dating advice, most of it bad. This includes dozens of blogs, countless women’s websites, even the lady magazines like Cosmopolitan. I also talk to every woman I can about dating and relationships. Yes, I know, talk is cheap. When I discuss these issues I’m trying to read between the lines and look for descriptions of actions, not words from the rationalization hamster or aspirational lying. There is one particular and common theme from female dating advice-givers that has perplexed me:

Men want a challenge.

The usual female explanation for this theme is that “men are hunters”. That much is true. Yet when our paleo ancestors went hunting, it was for food. It was for survival. If the men didn’t bring home the animal protein, the tribe withered and died. After spending a few incredibly tough days trying to slay an uncooperative animal, why would a man return to the clan and have to hunt all over again for a compliant female willing to mate? It makes no sense. From an evolutionary psychology point of view, it’s completely counter intuitive.

It took some thought to figure this out. I’m slow, but I eventually get there. Here’s the basic set up:

Women seek the top 20% of men. The women must hunt these men because these men have options and will only select a small percentage of women to whom they will provide DNA and possibly resources. This makes perfect sense. Top paleo providers were in short supply. To hunt and land one of these men, even if for a harem arrangement, was a successful survival strategy for the woman and her offspring.

Let’s fast forward to our modern, industrial culture. Armed with the power of projection and a healthy rationalization hamster, women think because they must pursue men (the top 20%) that men must pursue them. It goes along with the modern projection that because women are attracted to masculine accomplishments, that men must also be attracted to masculine accomplishments in women.

It gets worse. The guys not in the top 20% must do the pursuing of the top 20% of women (attractive and feminine women, not the masculinized career dames). The women’s projection that men must give courtship chase is utterly reinforced by an army of guys without Charisma trying desperately to win these women’s romantic (um, sexual) favor.

Men with Charisma do not want to hunt women. They want compliant (PC word alert!), feminine women who easily recognize the man’s achievements without drama, bitchiness, and demands. Sure, Charisma is required because our recent industrial age requires women to be a bit coquettish. This is the price for not having to worry about a saber tooth tiger eating the women and children while the man is out hunting mastodons.

A woman wants a man without Charisma to hunt them because this is a validation of her desirability, nothing more. The woman doesn’t want the DNA (sex) from that man, she wants the emotional support in addition to the desirability validation. This is manifested in contemporary times as the FriendZone and weaker men being the emotional tampon.

So let’s summarize – Women want beta men to hunt them. They want to hunt Alpha men.

Generation Spinster

I’ve covered specific spinster blogs in past. Moxie turned me on to another one. Doing some digging via Google, I’ve turned up quite a few blogs written by women who are determinedly single, by choice or by circumstance. I’m not going to link to them because they are trite and without creativity.

These spinster blogs are on the vanguard of a huge number of soon-to-be spinsters about ready to graduate college. The numbers are scary and paint a bleak future for young women hoping to find love, husbands, and make families. I’ve covered this subject before but it’s worth revisiting.

Simply put, there will be a husband shortage, and soon. This is because of the imbalance of gender enrollment in higher education. Overall, 60% of college graduates will be women. Hypergamy combined with the constant “never settle” drumbeat of bad relationship advice for women is going to yield what I am officially naming as “Generation Spinster”.

Naturally, the short-term public pressure will be on men to “man up” and go to college so they can be suitable husbands and providers. Privately, however, more and more young men are electing a relatively low-velocity life without the pressures of the female-driven standard life script of college, marriage, house, kids. These kind of men have been excoriated by women and social conservatives as being in perpetual adolescence. Actually, they’re just really smart guys who have figured out the scam that was the American Dream and have adapted accordingly – some by learning Charisma and others by going their own way (google MGTOW).

As the demographic of young men continues to unplug from the mainstream media and finds – via the Internet – an acceptable (to men) alternative to the American rat race, Generation Spinster will only grow in size, frustration, and anger. Future spinster blogs will be numerous and depressing. There will be a huge marketing opportunity to single women. Investing in pet-related industries would be a good financial play.

Some may champion the educational success of women and their “empowered” singlehood. Guys with Charisma will certainly have a reason to celebrate because there will be many more opportunities to quench their libidinous desires. However, none will champion the unintended consequences of increased social pathologies such as unwed motherhood and a generation of men uninvested in their futures. The men invested in society are the ones who keep the society running smoothly. Generation Spinster will mark yet another unfortunate milestone in a long decline for our society.

Down To Basics

While the tables in this post are rather tongue-in-cheek, there are some basic truths presented.

The rank is not just sexual appeal, but overall feminine attractiveness. Good material here for more on that feminine attractiveness.

A man without Charisma:

A man with Charisma:

Athol Kay

What Men Want From Women

Deti, a regular commenter on a variety of blogs wrote this in a comment on the Haley’s Halo blog post last year. It’s quite the comment and worth reposting but with a title:

What men want from women:

We want you to celebrate with us when we’ve triumphed.
We want you to help us through when we’re down.
We want you to stay with us when we’re down.
We want you to not be constantly looking for a better model.
We want you to encourage us when things aren’t going well.
We want a simple, heartfelt “I love you” at the end of a tough day.
We want you to show us and tell us that we satisfy you sexually.
Wa want you to show us that we are still attractive to you physically.

A man NEVER gets tired of hearing from his woman how great she thinks he is. NEVER. You can’t say it enough. If you do say it, you will have his undying love.

He will work himself into an early grave at a job he hates for you and your children. He will gladly throw himself in front of speeding cars for you. He will gladly lay down his life for you. He will give you all he is, all he has, all his money, and all the resources he can bring to bear.

And all he asks in return is for tenderness, a pleasant disposition, physical affection at reasonable intervals, and that you stay with him.

Why is that so hard to figure out?

It’s hard for women to figure out because of the vicious circle of lies and misinformation and the thin social mist of misandry.

More good stuff from Deti, here.

Leykis Is Back

The Manosphere needs to reach out to Tom

This could be big.

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