The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “December, 2015”

A Woman Responds To A Recent Blog Post

I sometimes get some great comments. The one that I received today is mid-range. It’s worth commenting on but not worth letting through moderation. The commenter, a woman, was motivated by this relatively recent blog post on feminine pleasantness.

The original comment is in italics, my responses are in boldface.

Wow. That post was really unkind and unreflective of reality. And by unkind, I mean misogynistic and lacking in human compassion. Women are human, just like men.

Misogynistic? I get that often enough. This is because I violate the 11th Commandment, “Thou shalt not criticize women”. Women are indeed human. They also have patterns of bad behavior and character flaws that cause huge problems when it comes time for them to find an intimate relationship with a man.

We also do not want to hang out with men who cannot control their moods and who are grumpy and sullen day after day. It is also not our job to make a man happy when he cannot find his own happiness.

I agree with this. Any adult, man or women, who doesn’t have at least some control over their negative moods is nothing more than a child. Men, in particular, must control those moods. Women are cut way too much slack in this area. Also, why is he grumpy and sullen? Bad day at work? 

We also are attracted to men who can remain calm and smile through adversity. Replace the female pronouns, etc., in your post with male pronouns and vice versa and your post would be equally true.

Again, I agree. Men must be stoic in the face of adversity. This is true strength and shows serious backbone, catnip to women.

Your idea that women are “naturally” one way and men “naturally” another way is false and silly.

This statement is idiotic. Common and predictable behaviors based on one’s sex are well-studied and well-known. Of course, you have an exception to those common behaviors which you mean to prove my assertions incorrect. Guess what cupcake, you’re using the logical fallacy of “the example of one”. Brilliant. #facepalm. Look beyond the solipsistic confines of your own experiences.

My husband had that attitude and that is why he’s now single. He believed he could stomp around the house and pout, take me for granted and treat me however he wished, and my job was to smile, bake cookies and give him a BJ.

His biggest mistake was stomping around and pouting. But, you said “yes” when he proposed. But was he always like that? Or did you encourage him to be more in touch with his feelings? Guess what, that stomping and pouting are expressions of his feelings.

Ummm, no. Not going to happen. Now he gets to smile at himself, bake his own cookies and make friends with his right hand, all while being a single parent 50% of the time and cleaning his own house and living off 50% less salary. See how that worked out? Granted, he is now working on finding the doormat of his dreams, but thankfully it won’t be me.

Why 50% less salary? Oh, right… alimony and child support? Wait, no child support, 50% custody. You’re still getting child support with only 50% custody? Oh my. Regardless, since you’re getting alimony in the form of 50% of his salary, that means he was the primary breadwinner. Congrats, you won the divorce game! There’s a lesson here, guys.

Additionally, women would not be required to be so strong and independent if they could actually rely on men, but the biggest complaint I hear from women my age (early 40s) is that having their husband is like having another child.

Men of a certain age have been taught, by women, to let the women be more strong and independent. You think men want to be hopelessly dependent? I agree, that’s awful. But here’s a solution to all you strong and independent women disgusted with the state of men today, date other women. As for men being like kids in the house, how are they at work? Oh, right, those women have no clue. But I’m sure they reap the benefits of those men’s salaries.

You know what’s a huge turn off for a women? Being incapable. Emotionally, psychologically, verbally, around the house, with the kids, etc. If your wife has to take care of you like a child, she doesn’t want to sleep with you too. Because, that’s gross. She doesn’t want to service you at night after doing all the stuff you were incapable of doing all day in addition to her own tasks.

Um, back to his salary, he seems to be capable of that. And please don’t spew that “it’s all about his money” crap. You’re taking alimony, remember? That’s his money. However, in the scenario you described, perhaps he’s getting alimony from you! If that’s the case, you go guy!!!

She doesn’t want to have to help you “identify your feelings” and “use your words” in conversation and then do you later. Not sexy, guys. And if you don’t want to hear a women speak her mind, get a prostitute. I think it was Billy Idol who said, “I don’t pay to sleep with them. I pay for them to go away.”

That was Charlie Sheen, by the way. OK, you’re contradicting yourself here. On one hand, you want the man to be stoic in the face of adversity and now you’re talking about helping him with identifying (and expressing, no doubt) his feelings. Pick one. Guys, while she’s trying to sort that out without her brain overheating, let me help. Be stoic in the face of adversity.

Also, when a woman speaks her mind, is it valuable to him? Does it really add to the conversation and even the relationship? If not, women must activate that ol’ verbal filter. Far too often, “speaking her mind” is code for “I’m gonna bitch and moan and inject verbal drama in your life but don’t stop making a salary”.

If you want your wife to sleep with you and then pretend she doesn’t have thoughts, feelings and concerns in life, marry a prostitute and pay her day rate every day.

There are more than a few guys who think that’s the current state of marriage. Of course, they’re still not getting the sex they paid for. Doh!

This whole comment is nothing more than “men do it too!” Yeah, some do. But I don’t write like that. I also stand by my assertion in the original blog post that kindness, pleasantness, and caring are wonderfully feminine traits and men must screen for those type of women during the dating process. Keep those comments coming!

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Frame – Three Quick Personal Stories

It is both a blessing and a curse to live in a town where all the locals know, or know of, everyone. It’s a unique place because it’s surrounded by a large metropolitan area, Fort Lauderdale. But once across the bridge over the Intracoastal Waterway, the city is left behind and the smallish seaside town of Lauderdale-By-The-Sea takes over.

There is a healthy turnover of tourists and part-time residents (“snowbirds”). Separate from that population are the folks who live here permanently. That’s me and a small few thousand. During the off-season, summer, when the hot and humid nastiness smothers us, the local population is together. Normally, we all mostly get along with a polite friendliness and some typical gossip. Of course, familiarity does breed some contempt.

There are three local women who loathe me. They are all older than me, if not in age, in hard-bitten experience with too much tough living along with past and present bad decisions. I won’t go into details of a life in the sun does to the skin. All three have this problem. With their tough hides come tough personalities. Sophisticated, these dames ain’t.

Why they loathe me, I have a hunch why but it’s not particularly relevant here. I pay them little attention aside from being briefly cordial. I know they loathe me from a few verbal exchanges that were inflicted on me. For each of the three woman, I took a different tactic but held to my strategy of having very strong frame. Some background here… in each exchange, the women were drunk to some degree.

The first incident happened at my local neighborhood dive bar. I was sitting across the bar, not talking to anyone, my dog at my feet. I was fiddling around with my smart phone. My dog, sitting on the floor next to me, barked a couple of times.

“Andrew! Shut that fucking dog up!” screamed a woman from the other side of the bar. This was one of the women in town who loathes me.

I just looked at the woman and didn’t say anything. The bartender, a good guy and almost standing between us, wasn’t getting involved.

In an attempt to escalate, the woman continued and screamed at me again. “You’re a fucking scumbag!”. Having a good frame, I came back with a classic agree and amplify.

“You’re right Laurie! I’m a scumbag! I come from a family of scumbags!”

She glared at me. I continued.

“My father was a scumbag, my grandfather was a scumbag…”

Her glare got worse.

“but my great-grandfather was a total douchebag!”

With that, the bartender burst out laughing. Several other patrons overhearing the verbal exchange also started laughing. I quickly went back to my smart phone. I didn’t waste a further look at the woman.

The next incident came from my neighbor, a woman I’ve written about her previously. She often spends her evenings sitting outside, smoking cigarettes and drinking cheap beer until she gets obstreperous with the drink. The booze melts what little of a verbal filter she still possesses. Because of temporary Internet connectivity issues I had to walk past her towards the back of the building to capture a Wifi signal on my phone. She was ready at ambush me verbally when I walked past the old lady and gave her a polite greeting as I always do.

“You going back there like the loser neighbor?”

The neighbor in the front unit also sometimes does the same thing because of Wifi issues.

“Yup, I have connectivity issues” I replied.

“You’re a fucking loser like her” was her pithy retort. I was not fazed because I’ve experienced this kind of stuff from her previously. I simply laughed and continued walking.

On return a few minutes later, she continued. “You piss me off so much because…” She spouted off a things about my work schedule (I work a lot from home) and that I had no shame or some such nonsense, yadda yadda yadda. I actually stopped to address her, with a smirk on my face.

“Your emotional response to me is not my problem. That’s your problem” I said pleasantly. “I actually make you angry? That’s something you have control over.” This stymied her completely. She was expecting a defensive, snarling response from me.

“I’ll remember that…” she said with a stammer. I didn’t know if it was a defensive comment or an acknowledgement. I didn’t care. I was still focusing on my frustrating ‘Net connectivity issue.

As I walked into my place, the old broad had a classy parting shot.

“You’re such a loser, you can only date niggers!”

“Wow, stay classy” was my calm response and I closed the door behind me.

Yes, she escalated to that point because she was desperate to break my frame by using a personal attack that is actually true. I was indeed involved with a lovely black woman and my curmudgeonly neighbor had met her on several occasions. This black woman was also from England with an hilarious Birmingham accent to go along with her lovely and dark-skinned visage. She thought I was a wanker and I thought she was a pain in the butt. Ah, ain’t dating grand? [Update, 01/01/2016 – P is reading this now]

It is now at least a month later and my old lady neighbor does not even acknowledge my existence. No matter, I still offer a pleasant greeting each time I see her. I thank that galls her in some way. Excellent.

The third woman in this string of estrogen wonder confronted me at my local pub hangout. She and another woman were bitching about Lucy, my ugly dog. I was ignoring them while I sipped ginger ale and worked on a blog post on my laptop. There were some comments about how I took care of my dog (Lucy the ugly dog was with me, as usual) but nothing really personal as my old lady neighbor had done.

Later in the evening, one of the women moved to the other side of the bar because the other had left. I was only vaguely aware of her move until she started yelling at me.

“You’re a jack ass, Andrew!” The place was pretty crowded so her loud insult wasn’t heard by many. I glanced up at her and said nothing. I looked down at my keyboard because I was gnawing on a stubborn sentence. She yelled something at me again. I completely ignored her. Eventually, she lost interest and began bothering the guy sitting closest to her. Poor fellow.

In all three instances, I never let my frame waver. I used several of the tactics I learned from reading Manosphere blogs. There was agree and amplify, amused mastery, and completely ignoring someone. The unflappable man doesn’t let words faze him. None of these three women did anything physical. They were attempting to start a fight with words. I didn’t let it happen.

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Attraction, Dating, And Aspirational Lying

Researching, observing, and experiencing attraction and dating has taught me that human beings are not particularly honest. We lie. This is central to the human experience. Of course we talk a good game about honesty because we’re socially expected to be honest and talk about being honest and expecting everyone else to be honest. That’s mostly true but quickly falls apart when verbal behavior crosses swords with attraction and dating.

The dark triad man is remarkably adept at aspirational lying. That man will say almost anything to achieve his goal, especially in the social context of seduction. The female equivalent of the dark triad man, the Cluster B woman, behaves in the exact same way but with different content in the lies. Call this meta lying. We state who we want to be, not who we are.

Since I couldn’t find a solid, concise definition of aspirational lying, I’ll provide one for my astute and intellectually curious readers:

Aspirational Lying – A type of dishonesty where an individual makes untrue statements describing herself/himself as what they aspire to be or how they currently behave. The purpose of this type of lying is to increase one’s self-esteem and ego or increase one’s attractiveness and desirability to others.

Here’s some additional background for your edification and intellectual fulfillment.

This form of lying pops up in predictable places. Certainly it’s painted thick on online dating profiles. A 43 year old woman states her age as 39. A man who is 5’7″ tall describes himself as 5’9″ tall. This is incredibly common. It’s so common that even the most naively honest feel pressure to also aspirationally lie on his/her online dating profile.

Aspirational lying can easily ruin socialogical studies. It’s a crime against intellect when both social researchers and journalists fail to recognize that survey answers reflect how the respondent want to be perceived, not how he or she actually feels or behaves. Stupidly, this even applies to anonymous surveys. Human beings can too easily wallow in such profound stupidity when affairs of the ego are involved. Such lies are not for the survey-takers, the lies are for the person responding to the survey.

Business marketing is chock full of aspirational lying. It’s so pervasive that it’s easily ignored. “Most”, “best”, “greatest” are superlatives that have become effectively meaningless. Or, such marketing becomes part of confirmation bias. A product’s attributes are described by the marketers and the consumer of the product goes through some mental exercises to justify a purchase decision. based on those described attributes.

On something of a side note, actually working to improve one’s self is the opposite of aspirational lying. Such efforts are the actions, the lying is just the words. However, a woman’s efforts that are simply cosmetic (no analogy intended) are a bit less clear-cut because make up is a temporary effect. Plastic surgery is a clear-cut (groaner analogy) example of actions over the mere words of aspirational lying.

When it comes to dating, it’s important for a man understand and account for such dishonesty. I’ve already brought up this is in a recent blog post. But that’s simply the online dating profile. Cluster B women present a very different scenario of lies. This requires a level of serious observation and the willingness to overlook the extraordinary sexuality of such women. “Crazy in the bed, crazy in the head” is not just a locker room aphorism shared amongst the guys. Men need to be completely aware of common and predictable feminine behavior, the good and the bad.

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Let’s Try To Fix Online Dating

One of the biggest problems with online dating is the vast number of messages that attractive women receive from men. This makes the online dating experience too frustrating for both sexes. Too few women get bombarded with too many messages. Those women are forced to weed through the terrible mediocrity of those messages. Ordinary men get fed up because their response rate is so low. This is a lose-lose proposition for everyone including the online dating company.

Another huge problem is that too many people don’t take online dating seriously enough. They don’t log in particularly frequently or respond enough to incoming messages. They also don’t even open messages before deleting them. This is not online dating, it’s “catalog” dating, a serious limitation with online dating where the assumption is that there is always another profile, another member of the opposite sex available for a date.

A solution to this is to limit the number of incoming messages a woman can receive in a certain interval of time. Even if she deletes the message(s), no more messages can be received until the next interval of incoming messages commences. Mix it up it further by introducing a random element of time, 30 days, then 17 days, then 23 days, etc. That interval is never revealed to any user.

When a woman receives the the maximum number of incoming messages for that given time period, her profile is not available for display, it is completely hidden. There is no incoming message queue or waiting list. As well, the more incoming messages and pace of those messages, the fewer number of future messages she could receive for the next incoming message time interval.

Here’s another bit of functionality that would very much stir up this new hypothetical online dating website. Once a certain threshold of incoming messages is reached and she hasn’t responded to any of them, a woman cannot send out any type of message to a man, not even a “flirt” or “wink”. She can still view profiles but even if she views them, the men are not notified that the woman has looked at their profiles. The ability to send outgoing messages is determined by the response to existing incoming messages.

As for that responses to incoming messages, there can be two options, “Start a correspondence”, and “No, thanks”. This is a simple check box. If the person receiving the incoming message is sent a message with the “Start a correspondence” option selected, the two may continue messaging each other regardless if the original receiver’s incoming message queue is full or not. If a “No, thanks” response message is sent. The recipient is made invisible to both users, permanently removing both from seeing each online again.

To ensure that the two people escalate into a phone call or text, the number of back and forth messages is limited also. One of the messages must include a phone number that might be validated through a text through the system. The purpose of all this involvement with technology in the communication is to help push along the corresponders into an actual date.

Other solutions would be to only allow message deletion to occur after it has been opened and the sender’s profile displayed. Deleting an unread message without reviewing a profile completely defeats the whole online dating process. Having users read messages and the associated profile before acting encourages using the online dating website seriously.

Of course, the profiles are validated so that scammers, catfishers, and other users with things to hide are not permitted to sign up. That automated technology now exists and is in use by at least one online dating website. This functionality will likely become the trend for the future given how scammers have saturated existing online dating websites.

By acknowledging that men and women behave differently with their online dating efforts, such functionality essentially acknowledges and supports those common online dating behaviors. There’s no attempt to inflict social expectations on the process. Yes, this new online dating would be for heterosexuals only.

This new functionality would be required for creating better online dating profiles. This would naturally include photos (for both sexes) and more involved text descriptions. There would be one section requiring that both male and female users describes what he/she offers a potential paramour. The minimum number of characters required for this section would be greater for women than men. Women still haven’t figured out they have to describe specifically what they have to offer in the context of attraction and dating.

This flips the online gender power dynamic. Attractive women (and a few men) must pay more to get more messages. Regular women pay the regular rates because they are not bombarded with messages. For those people, the free trial period that includes all functionality can be extended. Of course, if a woman wants to pay more to have her desirability validated more, she’s welcome to it. This also forces women to take online dating more seriously. With fewer incoming messages, she must evaluate the profiles more carefully and act on them by sending a response in a timely manner.

While this new functionality applies mostly to women, it can also be applied to men who get lots of incoming messages. They, too, would have incoming message limits applied just like the popular women. In effect, the sex of the person doesn’t impact the core functionality of limiting messages and other features. There are, however, some features and functions that are sex-specific. Men and women are different, especially in the context of attraction and dating.

These system features both slows down online dating yet speeds up parts of it. Women (all popular singles online, in actuality) must be slow to review profiles displayed through incoming messages yet quick to respond. The haste is enforced with the vanishing message and profile after a certain period of time. If the woman doesn’t respond, the man’s message and profile is completely hidden from that woman. Her rejection through inaction effectively turns into blocking a profile.

There would also be functionality to encourage users to be more serious.
Popular message recipients would be encouraged (the carrot) to log in more often – and therefore taking the process more seriously – by increasing the numbers of allowable incoming messages by a modest amount until an eventual limit is reached. That amount would need some additional research and would be based on algorithms that would dynamically change that amount.

The opposite of the login frequency carrot is the stick where the profile is completely removed from searchability if the login frequency drops below a certain threshold. Of course, warnings would be sent out. Additionally, if the woman doesn’t respond to messages within a certain time interval, her profile visibility on the website decreases to the point of complete invisibility, even if a user name search is done.

The text descriptions in profiles would have a minimum number of characters and photographs. The backend system would, of course, require the primary photo to be a face shot and any improper photo could be flagged for speedy removal. As profiles are validated, that face shot would match the user. Also, profiles could be flagged for not including a full body photo. Hell, the profile wouldn’t even get approved without such a photo.

For an interesting thought experiment, the system could screen for a list of prohibited profile terms like “princess”, “diva”, “queen”, or any phrase that speaks of excess entitlement. That list would be dynamically modified through a review process by the website moderators so that new profiles would be rejected with an appropriate error message so the user could modify the profile .

There would not be an Android or iOS version of the website. Squeezing in a bit of online dating while on the go is not healthy for dating in general. Because fewer messages are available to read, the person reading them shouldn’t be staring into some wee phone screen hoping to find a match while sitting at a stoplight. A personal computer or tablet displaying the full website is required. Here’s another thought experiment – the website can only be accessed when the user is completely alone. Camera and software technology in the PC or tablet could do that.

Also, there would be no algorithms to match people automatically. The user knows what he or she wants, not simply a person selected by a bit of software, regardless of how sophisticated it might be. I certainly believe in the power of technology but I also believe there are some human actions that cannot be replaced by computer programs.

With the weaknesses of conventional online dating causing increasing frustration despite it’s still growing popularity, there simply must be new solutions to address that frustration. Of course, the suggestions I presented comes under the “it’s so crazy, it just might work!” category.

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