The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “May, 2014” And Their Big Dating Survey…And My Comments

The numbers have been tallied and results are in. There is bullshit but also some value. There are many results with social expectation-based answers and way too much marketing for Ironically, owns OKCupid. OKCupid is known for having some seriously analytics on the digital behavior of its members. That should be applied to I’m presenting on commenting on only some of the statistics collected via the survey. Huge caveat here, the results presented on website complete with fancy graphics and limited commentary. The raw date, if available, should be presented.

The results are in italics, my comments are in boldface.

92% of men would feel comfortable if a woman asked them out. Ah, no breakdown on age or geographic demographics. I’m guessing that a generation of sensitive new age guys (SNAGs) is still wallowing in 80s-era social expectations responded that way. Guess what doormats, the man makes the date. He doesn’t ask, he states. “I’m enjoying this, we’re going to have a date this weekend, I’ll take care of the details.” That’s how it’s done. Just today I got a phone number and a promise of a future date by using that same approach.

Only 25% of men want to plan the first themselves. These chumps won’t be getting the date. If they do, there will be no second date. They’re removing themselves from the dating market entirely. The man has the plan, the woman joins him.

35% of men and 27% of women state that a man should always pay for the first date (regardless of who asked who). If this is based on Dating 1.0, this makes sense because first dates based on this model involve an expensive dinner. This means the man spends too much money and creates some uncomfortable expectations for the woman. First dates must be fun, inexpensive, and without any expectations.

Only 14% want to marry for financial security. There is no breakdown of sex on this one so this percentage is useless. Making it more useless is the lack of age demographics in the results. Regardless, what person is going to claim they want to marry for financial security. That’s simply too politically incorrect.

68% of single men and 57% of single women want to have more sex this year compared to last. No, really?! But note the 11% difference ‘twixt men and women.

21% of women and 23% of men have altered the number of sexual partners they’ve had in the past when asked. Just admitting to the change of number is low. This is a lurid example of social expectations (shame, actually) in action.

63% of women find texting during work hours to be full-on phone foreplay, the majority of men cry phone foul on that play. This makes sense. In fairness to my readers, I do text during work but only to those I consider close to me, not potential dates.

Nearly 60% of men say texting too soon with no reply is their number-one phone foul, while women rank it in their top three fouls. Again, makes sense.

When it comes to contacting more than one man, the ladies love lining it up. For 2014, single women say the more (dates) the merrier: 72% say that it is ok to casually date more than one person at the same time, and 60% of men agree! I want an age demographic breakdown on this before I comment.

$61.53 spent per month, per single. 111 million singles. $82 billion annually. I suspect that number is inflated but even if cut in half, that’s some huge money. Hmmmm, I need to press ahead with Red Pill Dating.

Excellent Questions From A Reader

Private Man,

Lately I have been seeing many women on POF write in the  First Date section something along the lines of “Lets meet for a coffee or drink and then decide if we want a first date”.

Is it the new trend for women to state this upfront? More importantly, what are the social expectations as far as paying for that first drink? I always pay for a first date, but if this isn’t really a first date and then am I still expected to pay for drinks? I find it off-putting to go through all the motions of a date, including paying for a round of drinks and a tip only to have it classified as an audition instead of a date. Is this “not a date but rather a meeting” code for “You are paying for this but don’t expect any kissing or affection since it really isn’t a date”

What are your thoughts on the women that state this upfront in their profile?


A Reader

This is indeed a new trend. You can thank (or blame) the small army of dating coaches advising women to consider the first “date” as simply a “meeting”. The purpose of this meeting is to determine mutual attraction and that elusive chemistry. Frankly, it’s a matter of semantics because if there is sufficient mutual attraction, that meeting instantly becomes a date and there will likely be kissing and affection. Don’t sweat the semantics too much.

This is also a way for women to manage expectations. There are a lot of thirsty guys out there who lack charisma and escalate too fast, too soon, and too ineptly. Worse, the guys might insist on a high-end dinner for a first date and this really messes up expectations for the man and the woman alike if there is no mutual attraction. I think women who state this upfront in an online dating profile are being reasonably prudent and you shouldn’t judge them too harshly.

Yes, you still have to pay for that meeting. You’ll just have to deal with that and not let it get under your skin. However, if you plan a venue that is interesting and inexpensive, your fiscal liability is much reduced and you still have a chance to demonstrate your charisma and confidence. There may be some serious mutual attraction, regardless. Again, it should be an inexpensive place where you meet. Don’t plan a dinner. That’s advice for all first dates or “meetings”.

Your observations questions send a message of caution to all guys re-entering the wacky world of dating and tackling online dating. Online dating can certainly work but the return on investment for guys makes it too time-intensive. This is why I now recommend live singles events. and Plenty of Fish have organized singles events. also has singles groups with the accompanying live events. Consider speed dating as well if it’s your area. Interacting face to face in a social context is the cure for social isolation and a chance to work on a man’s charisma and confidence and a woman’s feminine charm.

If any of my readers want to ask questions, feel free. My email address is emailtheprivateman at gmail.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (About Past Relationships)

My target demographic is the post-divorce (or post-long term relationship) crowd. As we go through marriage or a long-term relationship and then re-emerge into the world of singles and dating, folks our age have changed enormously. We’ve mellowed somewhat. The insecurities and adventures of our 20s are a distant memory. The kids are growing (or grown) and mostly independent. It’s an opportunity to consciously make-over a life. Hopefully it’s a conscience process because it will happen regardless. Age does that to a person. We’re no longer in our 20s, emotionally and physically.

Getting back into dating post-divorce requires a different approach, obviously. While the dating logistics might have some formal structure, the conversation shouldn’t be at all formalized. Too often 1st and 2nd dates are slightly awkward, mutual interviews. Because of the extra chronology on our lives, our first tendency is to talk and ask about our respective relationship pasts. This is a bad idea and should be resisted.

Our lives have been made-over so it’s time to break from the past regarding previous relationships. It’s a dilemma because we so much want to know about the person we’re on the date with and those past relationships are important for many reasons. But those past relationships are not the primary ingrediant to our respective personalities and characters.

Given all this, here’s the advice: When on early dates, don’t ask and don’t tell about past relationships. This goes doubly for those purely sexual relationships we’ve all had. This includes the one night stands, the mini-relationships based solely on stimulated genitals. As for those crazy sexual adventures from our youth, they are such a distant memory as to be barely relevant during the early dating process, even if sexy time happens early in the dating process.

There are some risks associated with the don’t ask, don’t tell strategy. Women and men alike will be on their best behavior and will downplay character flaws that caused previous relationship failures. Be comforted knowing that those character flaws surface in other ways and usually fairly quickly. Excess anger, addiction issues, personality issues. Note to men: Cluster B behaviors take much longer to be revealed, sometimes until well after an exclusive relationship has formed. Note to women: A player (keeper of the soft harem) also takes more time to reveal himself. These are known risks and an unfortunate part of the dating process.

I can now feel my readers getting frustrated – “So Private Man, what do we talk about?! What kinds of questions can we ask?!” Those are two good questions. Here are some points of conversation that provide a way each person to reveal themselves without dealing with the previous relationships:

1. Talk about your interests and enthusiasms and ask about the other person’s interests and enthusiasms. When you answer questions be sure to use the word “because” after you make a statement.

2. Talk about the local community. Every town, city, and neighborhood has something interesting, both good and bad.

3. Talk abut what you are doing at the moment such as enjoying ice cream or watching people. Keep it light.

4. Ask about your date’s childhood and what he or she remembers. When asked, keep it light, again.

5. Talk and ask about current events. Please, no politics or religion! Those two subjects are way too polarizing in the early stages of dating.

Notice that the words “job” and “career” don’t appear in that list of suggestions. That’s because in the very early stages of dating, that’s not so relevant because you’re simply looking for a connection based on personality and other attraction points. Too much focus on job/career in the beginning of dating establishes an unhealthy dynamic. As things move along and more dates happen, more personal types of information can be revealed. Note to women: Don’t forget this exercise.

Dating really should be fun. It’s an opportunity to meet someone new and see if there’s a potential romantic connection. If no there’s potential for a romantic connection yet you seek it with that person, accept the rejection gracefully. Maybe she/he will set you up with single friends. There’s also the opportunity for friendship and expanding one’s social circle. Human beings are social creatures and dating is a social exercise.

Bad Date Stories

We’ve all heard the stories of bad date stories. Put some post-divorce singles in a room and it takes about a nanosecond for the bad date stories to emerge. A few of us have lived through the bad dates and have lived to tell the stories. Such tales fall into several archetypes and can apply to both sexes:

  • No physical match with the online dating profile – shorter, fatter, older
  • No personality – boring, couldn’t hold a conversation
  • Aggressive – too loud, too sexual, too angry, too opinionated, too hung up on the ex-spouse(s).
  • Distracted – always checking the phone, couldn’t focus on the other person
  • Cheap/Greedy – expected an expensive restaurant, wouldn’t pay
  • Stood Up – no show with no notice, cancelled at last minute, way too late

Most singles doing the dating thing worry about having a bad date. Women, especially so because of their natural and constant low-level concern about their own safely. But frankly, it’s an unnecessary anxiety because bad dates are actually the exception for us ordinary post-divorce singles. Most dates are usually pretty good, if ultimately uneventful. A date is simply giving a man and a woman the opportunity to meet, see if there is a connection, and hopefully have some fun in the process.

Good date stories are usually not told because something relatively uneventful is simply not news. The only time we hear good date stories is when a relationship goal is met – exclusive relationship, fun night (sexy time!), or something else.

It’s the singles on the fringe of personality and behavior who should worry about having consistently bad dates and the accompanying unfortunate stories. If most of your dates are “bad”, you’re likely on that very fringe and need to adjust accordingly. Perhaps you need the services of a good dating coach, try here or here. Or maybe you need the services of a psychological professional.

To my readers and commenters, please don’t comment with a bad date story, no matter how bad the date was. Honestly, I will moderate out those bad date stories. I want to hear about good dates where a good time was had by both parties involved but maybe not with passionate sparks and nookie in the car. I’ve had plenty of dates where the woman and I had a good time but it was clear that a romantic connection or sexual encounter was not in the cards.

A Fine Feature of True Femininity

A woman of whom I’m quite fond has a remarkable feature to her personality. She’s peaceful. She has a stressful job as an independent (and sole proprietor) businessperson and also has a sometimes complicated personal life. Pleasingly, I’ve never heard her raise her voice in anger. I’ve never seen her sad for no reason. There are no tears for non-existent reasons. She does smile and laugh often and that’s quite attractive. When we’re together, it’s just peaceful and nice, amongst other pleasurable things. Unfortunately, this woman lives well over 200 miles away.

This is an example of a woman who is, to me, almost completely drama free but who still has good emotional bandwidth. I have plenty of examples of her peacefulness in the face of what could have turned incredible emotional drama involving me. There has been none of that drama. There have been hints and a few wry comments yet nothing more than that. Peaceful is an amazing thing in a woman. The masculine equivalent is emotional restraint and non boastful emotional strength.

The women I’ve been close to in the past were never that peaceful. Like stereotypical women, there was drama aplenty and too much anger and sadness. Actually, any anger in a woman is too much anger. Unfortunately, I allowed myself to respond accordingly, many lessons learned. It must be known that anger is simply not feminine. If a woman is going to be angry, she needs to take it outside like she’s about to pass serious gas because the two are the same in attractiveness. Snark is anger’s sarcastic cousin and also something very unfeminine.

I weep for the younger generation of men who must deal with girls (not women) who manufacture drama just to raise emotional nonsense in order to keep themselves entertained and stimulated. That’s cluster B behavior and anyone displaying such behaviors should be completely shunned. Emotional self-control is the absolute hallmark of adult maturity, regardless of sex.

On a somewhat related note, I’m meeting up with a 28-year-old friend in a couple of days to advise him about re-entering the world of dating and to help him better understand girls. I’m also going to ask him about his relationship goals. He’s coming off a relationship with a classic cluster B girl, an attraction pattern of his regarding girls he has had relationships with.. I will advise him to find a healthy, social, and athletic enthusiasm to help him better his emotional frame. I will also advise him to find a girl who is peaceful.

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