The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for the post-divorce crowd

Archive for the category “Relationships”

The Sexiest Part Of A Man’s Body

Note: Several twitter account links are included because I likes me some Twitter. Get yourselves some Twitter and follow me… @man_private

I follow about 1,100 accounts on Twitter. There’s a lot of political and cultural chatter that I take an interest in but rarely re-tweet or respond to with my own tweet(s). I do actively follow younger PUA (Pick Up Artist) guys because some of them are quite good at distilling solid attractive advice for men into cogent tweets. Here’s a great example from BE A PICKUP ARTIST;) @PUA_DATING_TIPS:

Pushovers are wussy, betas who don’t believe they deserve better treatment. GROW A SPINE. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF (with this photo attached).

Doormat

Scoundrel ‏@ScoundrelBlog Responded with:

What’s the sexiest part of a man’s body?

His spine!

This, in spades. A man’s figurative backbone is the foundation of his confidence. Without that confidence, his attractiveness to women is at its nadir. Do note that I’m not a big fan of the whole alpha/beta binary. Masculine attractiveness is on a scale and is also contextual based on the current social situation, even unrelated to being attractive to women.

This twitter interchange brings us over to the world of professional dating coaches. Bobbi Palmer ‏@BobbiPal – who’s customer base is 100% women – asks:

What is one thing that a man can do that would totally surprise you in today’s world?

My response was this:

Show some backbone. The sexiest part of a man’s body is his spine.

Yes, she was asking that of her overwhelmingly female twitter following but I couldn’t resist because Bobbi is a clever person and knows good information when she reads it.

This is all theory for many guys, I know. Theory without practical steps is useless. So, here are some concrete steps for a man to follow. Yes, I covered this before but it always bears repeating.

  1. Never ask for a date. State that you will have the date. “I’m enjoying this conversation/correspondence, we’re going to have a date.” The follow-up to that is that you plan and execute the date. Don’t make it fancy! Spending so much money on the first date is too much of a risk, for the man and woman alike.
  2. Stand up straight, look the part, and dress one level up from all the other guys. This is not that difficult. Post-divorce guys can easily adopt a classic, masculine style of dress without looking like a fey hipster. In fact, any man over a certain age shouldn’t be trying to dress like some 20-something unless it’s a classic look. As well, men over a certain tend to be heavier and must dress to deal with that. It sickens me to see middle-age guys dress like slobs because it’s “comfortable”. Hell, it sickens me even more to women dress like for the same stupid rationalization.
  3. Work on social skills. The first part of this is actually leaving the house and having an enthusiasm that actually involves being social. This does not mean hanging out in the local dive bar or hanging out at the local lodge. This means getting out of one’s social comfort zone occasionally and then having action social interactions with new people. Keep the politics out of such conversations. If you’re perceived as being a an uninformed political blowhard, you’re relationship goals will never be met. And, I’ll track you down and bitch slap you. If you have a political opinion, just shut up about it in public.
  4. Learn some charisma. This is the hard part. This requires being clever verbally and understanding how a conversation ebbs and flows. There are no easy lessons for this except practice, practice, practice. Even us older guys can figure this out. But see the previous listing as a start. As well, watching ordinary TV sit-coms is a good way to see witty social interplay in action. Note the pacing and inflection in the voices. Emulate that. Back to point one, a man willing to dress better than all the other guys around him is a clear and obvious statement of confidence.

Valentine’s Day 2015 – A Rant

Valentine’s Day is a horrible, wretched day. It’s a shit test for men on a corporate scale. It’s a day when men are strong-armed into being mind-readers in order to buy the perfect gift. It’s a day when greedy restauranteurs and florists exploit weak and feckless men into throwing away perfectly good cash in order to satisfy a manufactured need. Up yours, Hallmark. Screw you, fancy eatery. It gets worse, one of my local realtors is imploring men to buy cupcake a freakin’ condo for Valentine’s day!
Valentine1
It’s the day where vulnerable women can boast to their friends about the largesse bestowed upon them by weak and simple boyfriends and husbands. If the poor, stupid fellow didn’t get the right gift, he’s excoriated by her mob of estrogen. Worse, if he has to ask in advance what gift that cupcake desires, he’s excoriated by her for not automatically knowing her wants and needs. Worse, if he does get the perfect gift, the back of her mind is saying “what a wuss and a doormat”. Valentine’s day is a no-win situation for a man.

A man must simply ignore Valentine’s day. There should be no gifts, not even a slight recognition that the day even exists. A man shows his love in so many other and varied ways throughout the course of the year. If he bows down to the corporate will of Hallmark, he’s bowing down, supplicating himself to the faceless corporations that only seek to profit from his pathetic weakness.

If the man’s wife or girlfriend pitches a royal hissy fit, then the man can simply state he’s looking to the Japanese and Korean model of Valentine’s day. In those cultures, the woman give the man gifts and he has to do little or nothing until the next month. For this, I like those cultures. They understand the value of men in the context of a romantic, intimate relationship. Not so much here where Valentine’s day is a huge romantic landmine for men where just venturing into the minefield means he comes out the loser.

Marc Rudov has, in the past, made some publicity hay about boycotting Valentine’s day. I like that. He called it quite well and was willing to state it publicly on TV. His opposite made quite the stink but all his points are correct. He also brought in the concept of chivalry and how it’s dead. Go on ya, Marc! In conclusion, I hope that all my guy readers take this message to heart. Don’t even boycott it, just ignore Valentine’s day… completely and utterly.

Abundance Mentality – An Unintended Consequence

There is much talk in the PUA (Pick Up Artistry) Manosphere about “abundance mentality”. This is the attitude that is recommended for men and it means that there is always a new woman or girl to replace the current one. It’s part of “spinning plates” where a man is dating several women concurrently. Fundamentally, it’s a good attitude for a man to take when dealing with attraction and dating. It’s a great antidote for “oneitis”, when a man becomes too attached and almost obsessed with a particular girl. So, with internalized abundance mentality, a man looks askance at any particular girl and is perfectly willing to send her off knowing that finding another girl is an easy possibility. Bravo.

Wait.

Hang on.

It’s important that a man understands his own relationship goals. If the relationship goal is to spin plates and have more girls in the pipeline, abundance mentality works perfectly well. If a man’s relationship goal is to have an exclusive relationship with one person, there is a serious downside to abundance mentality.

I’m fully aware that the PUA and MGTOW divisions of the Manosphere advise that a man never enter into an exclusive and committed relationship with a woman. With the wrong woman, this is excellent advice. The unintended consequence of such advice – when combined with internalized abundance mentality – is that ALL women become the wrong woman to commit to. The PUA and MGTOW advice completely ignores that large numbers of men actually do want to find one particular woman with whom to have a healthy, intimate, and committed relationship with. That’s a perfectly valid relationship goal and should be supported.

But with internalized abundance mentality comes the attitude that women, all women, are essentially disposable. The unintended consequence of such an attitude is that a man always finds something wrong with a woman. This, in turn, leads to an inevitable moving on to the next woman. The comparison is the single woman who actively finds reasons to reject a man.

Humans are fallible. It’s part of our nature. In the context of attraction and dating, the fallibility always rises to the surface after a period of time. With abundance mentality, that consistent fallibility becomes an instant reason to reject and walk away. Repeating that pattern makes it extraordinarily difficult for a man to meet his relationship goals if he wants a committed relationship. Perfectly wonderful women are pushed away, almost irrationally.

The solution to this problem is for a man to willingly overlook human flaws but still maintain certain boundaries. As a species, we’re far from perfect. We’re so far from perfect that it’s remarkable how we manage to reproduce. As men and women are different, women need to learn to be more tolerant and accept the flaws of men. For guys with CCCL (confidence, competence, charisma, and leadership), it means becoming more tolerant of the flaws of women and evaluating those flaws in the context of meeting relationship goals.

I Can Write About It Now…

I made a promise. Now, I am no longer held to that promise.

She was a vivacious and alluring woman. I thought I was in love. That passed quickly because I know that actions speak much louder than words. Her actions made it clear. Worse, her lack of words backed it up. It was a crash and burn that I predicted about 48 hours before I took it down. We both dodged a bullet, each other. Three months is a good time frame to understand attraction, compatibility, and future potential for a person you’re involved with.

It was my ability to intuit the situation that made me make this decision. I recently tweeted about it:

“The instant she pulls back is the instant he moves on.”

This is serious stuff for guys looking to get their relationship goals met. Never invest more than she does. If you do, you run a serious emotional risk. Frankly, I made that mistake in this case. My error is an opportunity for you guys to learn. There are clear signs of a woman’s pull-back:

  • Fewer texts or phone calls
  • Diminished physical affection
  • Diminished verbal affection
  • Less availability on her part

These might seem obvious to an outsider but when a man is too much into the forest, he can’t see the emotional lumberjacks sawing away at the trees.

I was close to having a tree fall on my head.  This does not make me cynical. I still believe in love. But this experience does make me yet more cautious and circumspect about women.

For post-divorce guys, the bottom line is this: Bail first, bail often.

Honest Dating

My blog-buddy, A.B. Dada, recently tweeted out a link to his Facebook post about “low reward dating”. I’m not a big fan of Facebook so, with his permission, here’s his whole post and link here:

Here’s additional info on his policy regarding anti-copyright (I like it)

A guy trying low reward living in 2014 asked for dating advice in 2015. Guess his TV addicted girl-friend didn’t appreciate him saying no to wasting cash at the bars and foodie crackhouses anymore.

Low reward dating is different. It’s about bonding two people closer together. It isn’t about having fun as much as knitting two disparate threads together without knotting them up or fraying them.

I’ll be writing more about low reward dating throughout 2015, but I told him about a few date ideas:

1. Go to a thrift store together and pick up some cheap musical instruments that you aren’t talented at. It might takes a few thrift stores but you’ll find it. Commit to avoiding the clothing section. Then go home, or to a park, or to a local train station and jam together.

2. Read to her. Toss her cheek on your bare chest on the couch and pick a used book up and read it. Slowly. Use your diaphragm so she takes in the deepest vibrations from your voice.

3. Fishing combined with preparing a meal later from what you’ve caught. Learn how to gather wild greens, too. That’s a full day or weekend planned right there.

I never understood the modern premise of dating. I am going to take my hard earned money and my rare time and take a woman I am attracted to so that she can be wowed by better men than me? Sure, let me take you to a movie to gawk at the ripped actor who spent 16 hour days for 3 months to get in shape. Let me take you to the concert where the more confident guy on drugs is crooning on stage. Let me take you to the bar where the mixologist in a vest and bowtie is going to juggle fancy addictive chemicals for $15 each. Let me take you to a restaurant where an executive chef is slaving others to create an amazing plated experience with rare ingredients you never heard of.

Doesn’t make sense, modern dating. It’s shared consumerism, but it doesn’t make you the winner at the end of the night. You’re just the consumer that is paying with both time and money.

A.B. is spot on. However, I don’t like the term “low reward dating” because the connotations are too negative yet the concept is perfect. Dating must not be about sharing consumerist goals. Fancy dinners, expensive gifts, and weekend trips sets up terrible future expectations and patterns. As A.B. states, dating is a fundamentally a bonding experience. While courtship is part of it, if the relationship goal is to have an satisfying and intimate relationship then it’s best to focus on the bonding element.

I prefer the term “honest dating”. That’s the process where two people get to know each other with shared activities and conversation without all the overhead of consumerism. If either the man or the woman expect such consumerism, neither party can expect real intimacy. Sure, they’ll enjoy some sexy-time and if that’s what they both want, bonus!

Honest dating is a great filter for winnowing out women who are more concerned with security than forming an intimate bond. Men must have a list of inexpensive but interesting date ideas so he can spend time with his date(s) and not be worried about impressing them with cash and prizes. Here’s the bottom line: charisma trumps cash. A trip to the zoo has more opportunities for wooing a dame than any fancy restaurant or gift of a handbag. If she mistakes a handbag for intimacy, she can hope the handbag gives her intimacy in return.

“I Don’t Like To Be Touched”

This made no sense to me when I first heard that phrase uttered by a young woman back in high school. I hadn’t been trying to touch her, actually. I was overhearing her conversation with a female friend. Since then, I’ve heard that phrase, said by both women and men, many more times over the years. The phrase disturbs me. It seems completely unnatural that a person doesn’t like being touched.

Human beings are social creatures. We need to be together, hermits notwithstanding. The use of touch helps to maintain the social bonds amoungst us. Various cultures have ritualistic touching during greetings such as shaking hands, kissing cheeks, hugs, etc. The feelings conveyed include trust, intimacy, affection, loyalty, love and so much more. Marriages end without touch.

Attraction and dating simply couldn’t happen without touch. Pickup artists (PUAs) are keenly aware of the power of touch as a way of showing attraction and perceiving attraction. “Kino” is the term used when a PUA subtly touches a woman during the attraction phase when meeting. When a woman is attracted to a man, she will often involuntarily touch a man. These initial touches are usually subtle.

When a person admits he or she doesn’t like being touched, it’s a direct statement of some type of emotional problem. A problem that clearly puts a huge barrier to forming healthy human relationships. Even a reluctance to be touched can cause dating and attraction issues. This is one of the psychological issues that post-divorce daters must be honest and introspective about before going back into dating.

This is not a demand to change one’s essential nature. This is an opportunity to break from old patterns of behavior that could very well prevent anyone from reaching relationship goals. Just “be yourself” is bad attraction and dating advice if those relationship goals aren’t being met.

A Dating Exercise For Women (Re-post)

[I posted this just over three years ago. It needs to go viral.]

A fair number of women read my blog and for this, I am pleased. Normally, I write my posts with a male audience in mind. This post is an exception. I want women to read this very carefully and pass it along to their single friends. It’s important.

The biggest challenge is for women to re-adjust their approach to men. Women usually look for reasons to reject a man. They find the bad things first. This results in a lot of frustrated single women. To start the readjustment, I have this very simple mental exercise:

Every time you see and/or interact with a man, look for something good about him. This includes online dating profiles.

It can be something small.

It can be something big.

It has to be something.

Perhaps you see a sweaty landscaper with stained clothes working hard at his job. What’s good about him? He’s working hard. That’s a very good thing.

Maybe you have a male colleague who is not the most attractive of physical specimens. But you notice that he has a very nice voice and speaks very thoughtfully. Those are two good things.

You meet a man socially who has a very weak chin and terrible fashion sense. Yet you see that he has beautiful eyes, broad shoulders, and a great sense of humor. Wow, three good things!

You see an online dating profile with bad photos. The words, however, are well put together and are quite appealing. Good things, indeed.

This doesn’t mean changing your standards regarding the men you date. It only means noticing the positive elements in men. That’s the exercise. Simple, no?

Do this for a week. After the week passes, ask yourself this question: “Where are all the good men?”

Guess what, you just spent a week seeing them with your own eyes.

Feel free to copy and paste this into emails, blogs, forums, whatever.

Spreadsheet Husband

Now that the news of the Spreadsheet Husband, “SH”,  has faded and cooler minds can prevail, it’s my turn to weigh in. There’s a big caveat here, I rarely opine on relationship issues because my forte is attraction and dating. But this story I cannot ignore because many of my male readers can likely relate to SH’s frustrations with their sex lives while they were married or in a committed relationship. Here are some links for folks to catch up.

Reddit (Where it all started but has since been removed, comments are available)
Jezebel
Globe and Mail (Canada)
Us Magazine
People
NY Daily News
Huffington Post
Independent (UK)

The full list links is very long which shows just how sensitive this issue is. Where comments are available, it’s worth checking them out to a sense of how this struck such a nerve.

Here’s my input: I think Spreadsheet Husband did the right thing. He called out his wife on her unwillingness to help him enjoy his sexuality with her. He did it correctly. The spreadsheet was perfect, especially the log of the reasons why she turned him away. This put her on the serious defensive. So much so, she had to respond with the standard reasons for a sexless spell in their marriage and not simply denying the events. When he went silent on his wife during her business trip, he was adding the necessary exclamation point with “dread game“.

The response to this story was utterly predictable. He’s excoriated for being passive/aggressive. She’s supported because he’s, well, desirous of sex from his wife. Oh, that brute! The story originally broke on Reddit and that’s where the good comments are. Once the mainstream media picked up it up, the feminine imperative  erupted loudly and the focus quickly shifted to the sexual desires of women and the victimhood of this particular wife. This is yet another example of how the sexual desires of the man should be a lessor priority in the context of a committed relationship.

The angry reaction against SH simply showed that he was fundamentally right. His wife simply failed him, he pointed it out with unassailable documentation, and the rally-round-the-vag crowd went bananas. Hell, even the BroBible guys went after the husband. Nice white knighting, Bros. Let’s hope that’s not an editorial policy going forward.

This story is also a cautionary tale for men, especially men entering a marriage or live-in relationship situation. As a husband, a man has obligations and responsibilities but the wife, much less so. This applies in the bedroom, of course. Her sexual satisfaction is more important than his. This is the feminine imperative and it can often be unpleasant and unfair to men. As a peer pointed out, we don’t know how SH approached his wife for some sexy time. Perhaps he was supplicating and weak, a true turn-off for women. We also have to consider his sexual prowess, or lack thereof.

I hope that SH gets out of this sexless situation. Being rather cynical, I doubt that the wife will put on her big girl panties and recognize that what she did was wrong. I also suspect that SH will backpeddle and apologize profusely. There’s a good place to send him before divorce looms – Athol Kay’s website. If SH is not taking the lead in his sexual relationship with his wife, he won’t be taking the skin boat to tuna town on a regular basis.

Cuddling For Dollars

Read this story first.

Welcome back.

This is important because it speaks to a human need. Many of us get enough physical contact from the opposite sex so that a professional “cuddler” isn’t necessary. However, many men go without such physical contact. Many women have the same issue. Our species, homo sapiens, is a physical one. We need the touch from others. Hell, we’ll accept the closeness of other species as a substitute.

Years ago I travelled to the middle east (United Arab Emirates) and I often observed two guys walking down the street or in the souk, holding hands, as friends. To my western sensibilities, I thought this completely nuts. As I think now, it makes sense. Humans need physical contact with other humans and it doesn’t need to be sexual. I have been reading about older women who are deeply sad that there are no man to provide even a simple hug.

This professional cuddler is a manifestation of a social pathology brought on by recent changes in human culture. Technology is one of them. Also, the atomization of our culture encourages us to remain single and isolated from the physical touch of others. This trend doesn’t end well.

With hook up apps like Tinder on the high seas of “dating”, a man can get some quick sexual touch and for most guys, this can suffices. The professional cuddler, however, is clearly for a smaller group of guys who need more than a sweaty night with bodies conjoined at the genitals. A powerful read on the lack of human touch is M3’s post on being involuntarily celibate (incel) .

The desire for physical closeness with the opposite sex is why I recommend that a woman takes a man’s arm when they’re out perambulating, especially when on a date.  I don’t criticize the professional cuddler. She sees a need in the marketplace and is fulfilling it. I do, however, have criticism of her clients. If they are fairly normal guys, they can up their Charisma so that no cash needs to be involved when physical intimacy occurs.

The Mine Field Of Adjectives

  • Nice guy
  • Good man
  • Mysterious fellow
  • Arrogant prick
  • Confident dude

How a man is perceived is complex and confusing, especially for the man back on the dating scene. After digesting the emotional turmoil that is divorce – even if civil – the single guy is entering a new landscape. Gone are the days of the dinner and a movie date. Now there is online dating and “meetings” where reduced expectations are the new normal.

But the 40-something guy simply wants to meet his relationship goals. Perhaps he wants to be a Lothario and master the art and science of seduction. Maybe he just wants a woman to love again and her love for him is matched. Maybe he wants the “stayover” relationship where there is exclusivity but not cohabitation. All these goals are legitimate.

Our 40-something guy is not in his twenties. He’s smart enough to listen to his single female peers. When he takes in their words, he has haplessly wandered in the adjective minefield. It gets worse if he fires up some online dating and reads a few hundred dating profiles written by single women. I’ve read tens of thousands of such profiles and I know the patterns.

“Looking for a nice guy” is a frequent term used by the dames in their online dating profiles. I’ve covered this quite recently. The difficulty lies in understanding that actions and words diverge terribly when it comes to understanding how women deal with attraction and dating. Descriptors like “nice” and “good” are the socially expected words. Those are polite company words. Those are the words used at singles events where we actually have to communicate face to face.

Away from social expectations and well-meaning friends, a woman does what she wants. She’ll publicly and happily tell a friendly fellow that she has no problem dating shorter men. But when she puts her fingers on the keyboard to describe her preferences, out comes “you must be 5’11” or taller” in her online dating profile. Gentlemen, this is a feature in women, not a bug. Deal with it like an with it like an adult.

When reading the pick up artistry (PUA) literature, a man learns a whole new language and a completely new set of skills. “Aloof”, “cocky”, and “confident” become the new normal. These are not the words of his sister and his female friends who bestow well-meaning and socially accepted advice.  Confusion swirls in his mind. Our man simply wants to be himself. He wants to be humble, decent, and good. But in his efforts to be such things, he dines alone and his online dating efforts come to naught.

Let’s bring in the whole concept of “be yourself”. New readers will be nodding in agreement. My seasoned readers will be slowly shaking their heads. If a man or woman is not meeting relationship goals, then “being yourself” simply won’t cut it. Coming through the divorce process is an opportunity to change. Yes, I said it, “change”. Human beings are incredibly adaptable, regardless of age.

It’s time to sum up. Nice guys lose in the dating game. Supplication never wins for guys. Chivalry ain’t working it. Good guys might do better but they need to be aloof and mysterious. If it such characteristics don’t come naturally, men can learn. Women can re-learn femininity, as well. Being more attractive to the opposite sex can be learned.

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