The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Fat Acceptance? Not Here

This social trend has been around for over 40 years. As Americans have been ballooning up in weight, the fat acceptance movement is getting more attention. It shouldn’t get any attention at all. obesity is both unattractive and unhealthy. It’s just that simple. What, is Private Man indulging in intolerant shaming and prejudice? I’ll accept the accusation of shaming, not that of being prejudiced.

In the overwhelmingly vast majority of cases, being overweight is a choice. Every calorie consumed is a conscious decision. I’m not going to be cast aspersions on a person’s character regarding weight and size. But anyone toting around extra weight must be keenly aware that what they are doing is unhealthy and unattractive. This goes doubly for women.

Certainly I am not unsympathetic to overweight people and people with unhealthy habits. I was once a fat guy at 260 pounds. I lost 60 pounds about five years ago and I am very careful about my calorie intake. Worse, I am a smoker. Every time I have a cigarette, I am making a conscious choice to do so. I expect no acceptance for my bad habit. I don’t need some social movement to shame non-smokers. I am not writing a letter to Hollywood producers asking them to feature more characters smoking in motion pictures.

I chose to be fat avoident by the company I keep and the women I date. This certainly limits my dating pool and I accept the consequences of my preferences. It’s disheartening when I meet sweet, funny, pleasant women who are rendered unattractive by a body ruined by fat. They fail the boner test. As a polite man, I won’t say anything about why I am not attracted, I simply move on.

I do have some advice for younger men. Don’t have sex with women whom you don’t find attractive because of their weight. Yes, it’s unrealistic advice – I didn’t practice this in my youth – yet it still must be said. Young men, especially young men with Charisma, don’t reward bad behavior by sexing up a young woman of excess poundage. To be direct, I am telling young men, no fat chicks. They should be invisible to you.

The fundamental truth is that the feminine attracts the masculine. Too much weight on a woman’s figure is not feminine. “Where are all the good men?” I’m frequently asked. I always refrain from saying “You left them behind 40 pounds ago”.

Woman Up

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50 thoughts on “Fat Acceptance? Not Here

  1. I’m right there with you. It’s sad here in England – the alternative types all tend to be giant fatties.

    Also: ‘cast aspersions’

  2. Lady Thalia on said:

    Well said Privateman. I hope young men heed this advice. I have 5 sons, and I encourage all of them to read your blog. Thank you.

  3. I live (regretably) in the Ohio Valley in a state with one of the highest adult obesity rates in the country and its rare to see someone my age (near 50) that is truly slender. Almost all women my age are overweight such that they don’t have much of a figure anymore: either they have a pot belly or they put the fat on everywhere.

    I really used to resent women that were sexually unattractive due to fat until I discovered this year that despite the fact that I appear slender (really!), my percent body fat was well into the obese category (above 30%). I’m what you call skinny fat— I dont appear fat, but the fat on my body is a lot more than the muscle, because I am incredibly weak.

    I’m on a fairly rigorous weight training program and although I am getting stronger, I have found it difficult to put on muscle. I suspect I don’t have the right genetics to ever be that strong. Because of this, I have more sympathy toward people who are in bad shape: Its easy to get that way, and its difficult to lose weight and get stronger. I suspect it is even more difficult for people 50 or over due to the slow loss of muscle that occurs in just about everybody after 30, so they dont have a lot of muscle anyway, which burns off more calories per gram than fat does.

    I am lucky that I can access a weight room during work but for most people getting to weights during the day/evening would be difficult. I really think that this is the key to keeping a healthy and attractive body for people over 40, but its difficult to find time for it.

    So I have more sympathy for fat chicks. But despite the fact that I am clinically obese, Im still not gonna pork a fat chick.

    • johnnymilfquest on said:

      I am also pre-disposed to the “skinny fat” syndrome.

      You just need to focus on building RELATIVE strength in the gym.

      That’s what you can lift for reps on the big multi-joint exercises divided by your weight.

      Focus on improving your relative strength by losing weight. At 30% bodyfat you are just too damn heavy. Period.

      • Good advice. The funny thing is about the weight lifting forums is that they push eating a ton of food as fuel to get bigger muscles. When I tried this, all it did was make me fat. I think this maybe not good advice for older guys who have too much fat in the first place. Instead, I have a balanced diet, do multi joint exercises (squats, dead lifts, etc) and try to stay away from sugar.

    • * someone my age (near 50)

      As we get older we generate less T, which helps to build muscle, and other male hormones and biochemicals. I’ve started reading around to see how supplements can help reverse the effects of aging. I’ve been on a mostly Paleo diet for 2 years (no breads or grains) and still have some belly but I don’t look obese and my blood tests come out fairly good for 55 and no meds. Quit smoking, less drinking and reducing carb intake are a big help for most people.

      I did cross fit a while back and liked it more than just lifting iron at a gym.

    • DC Phil on said:

      I found this article this week:

      I really like the science behind this. Indeed, it makes sense that our bodies are, in many cases, our own worst enemies. Make you a little bit more sympathetic to those that are struggling and have been struggling with their weight. Also, sad to acknowledge that, if the kids are fat, they’re likely to remain so into their adult years because that’s how their bodies were.

  4. Acksiom on said:

    Fat is like visual body odor.

  5. Acksiom on said:

    NMH, have you tried body weight exercises (BWE)? Do you have an integrated nutritional plan? Some people’s bodies are much better suited to natural full range strength training than to free weights, and nutrition and timing can make a big difference as well.

    Paul Wade’s “Convict Conditioning” is now available as an e-book from Amazon. It’s my next exploration, and so far I’m liking it a lot, particularly the highly structured and explicit progress ladder.

    • Ive tried BWE and its hard for a weakling like me, but I agree its a good way to go if you can. Ill order Wade’s book, thanks.

      • Acksiom on said:

        I also recommend this

        for daily body fat analysis, and this

        for tracking.

        Weigh yourself at the same time under the same conditions every day, get your fat percentage using that weight, enter them both into the log at PhysicsDiet. I take my daily measurements first thing in the morning, wearing the same things every time, and before eating or drinking anything but after I’ve used the toilet. Very useful and encouraging.

      • Acksion- Ill give that site a try.

        I was using an impedence meter at the gym and it said I have 26% body fat, but I was suspicious. So I went and got a DEXA exam from my doctor (which is much more accuate, in theory) and it said 33%.

        What really shocked me is that 2 years ago I was 31% BF with the DEXA, and had been very active–ballroom dancing and raquetball, and so was quite slender. That’s when I realized that heavy weight training with the classical compound lifts (eg Squat) is probably what is needed in my life but also everybody over 40 who is slowly but surely losing muscle.

        I think Im now developing a fetish for weight lifting chicks (not on steroids). Female muscle tone is hot.

      • Acksiom on said:

        I tested the Omcron against a local BodPod using both my own and a 69yo much fitter, much taller friend’s readings, and the accuracy was within a percentage point for both of us. The trick, again, appears to be maintaining consistency of testing conditions, but I wouldn’t rely on gym equipment even with that.

        Just because the trend is against me doesn’t mean I’m “surely” losing muscle. It only means I have to work harder to build and maintain it. I adjust the universe to suit me, not the other way around. As Grinder and/or Bandler said, roughly, when most people get a grip on reality, they hang onto it for dear life; when I get a grip on reality, I twist it.

  6. “Where are all the good men?” I’m frequently asked. I always refrain from saying “You left them behind 40 pounds ago”.

    LOL at this statement.

    As a former childhood fatass, I hold a large amount of contempt for the fat acceptance movement. “Accepting” attitudes caused me to become very overweight as a child, bordering on obese. I encourage every person I speak with to join a gym, eat healthier and physically improve themselves.

    NMH – I had the whole skinny/fat thing going in high school – Huge gut plus tiny arms. One of the best tips I can offer for getting in shape is that diet is something like 60-70% of both weight loss and muscle gain, with exercise being the other 30-40%. Cutting out refined sugars and carbs will do wonders. It’ll be an uphill battle, but it can be done.

    If you’re having difficulty losing weight and gaining muscle mass, it would be money well-spent to hire a personal trainer. I lifted for about 2 years, fumbling around on my own trying to figure it out. While I saw results, hiring a personal trainer taught me quite a bit about lifting and technique. Just make sure you work with a guy that knows what he’s doing. Don’t work out with female personal trainers either. They don’t know a man’s body, just like a woman shouldn’t work with a male personal trainer.

    • Im going to get a personal trainer after I read “Practical Programming” by Rippetoe and Kilgore and try some of the periodization tricks, because I have plateaued on some lifts. Your right–you need to find a trainer that knows his stuff, because a lot do not.

  7. anonymous x on said:

    Diet changes can be simple at first.

    Ditch all soda pop, yes all! None of it is good for you. You can clean car battery terminals with Diet Coke, it’s that bad. Replace mostly with water.

    Ditch all refined sugars and artificial sweeteners. The refined sugars have bad effects on your metabolism. The artificial sweeteners are chemicals. You can find decent plant-based sugar substitutes at your local health food store. I use raw blue agave, for instance.

    Just these two items alone should have a positive impact within a few weeks. From there, you can consider various ways of controlling carbs such as going gluten-free, wheat-free, dairy-free or simply just cutting back overall. Cutting out wheat has worked well for me, it turned out wheat was a good energy-killer in my case. Everyone has to figure out what their own bodies respond to, but the two tips above pretty much apply to all.

  8. Acksiom on said:

    I have followed the good nutritional advice above to my own benefit. Tim Ferris’s “4 Hour Body” is also worth a look. When Atkins induction stalled out for me, Ferris’s similar diet plan and PAGG supplement stack got me losing again.

    BTW, folks, that first bit of pithwit up there from me about fat and body odor isn’t just snark; it’s a seriously intended aphorism for use in explaining one’s views to others. “Fat is like visual BO” is the best explanatory analogy I’ve found yet.

  9. Jester on said:

    If I had a time machine I’d go looking for the person who coined the phrase “BBW” and stab them in the eye with a liposuction needle. Talk about giving women the wrong idea… “It’s ok, I can eat whatever I want, I’ll just become a BBW” No, you’ll just be fat.

    Ever wonder why there is no “BBM”? Because women won’t put up with it either.

    Before all you chunky girls start ripping into me… I once tipped the scales at almost 300lbs after an accident and some medical issues… I am now 190lbs. I got this crazy idea when I noticed I was plumping-up… I tried something revolutionary… It’s called self-control. Try it.

  10. AnonymousDog on said:


    While I don’t really disagree with the post or most of the comments, I have to question how much acceptance there really is out there. I have a couple of family members who are grossly overweight, and it’s surprising how sh*tty people can be to them in subtle and not so subtle ways. And make no mistake, these family members are completely aware of how they’re being treated, and resent it, but still can’t lose the weight.

    • I don’t treat people any different in RL situations and am just as nice… Just don’t ask me to date them. lol
      There are sometimes situations where the weight isn’t their fault. Medications, accidents, medical issues, etc. Those people need support, not being outcast by society. (IMO) People who bring it on themselves (which is the majority of people) can’t expect us to just look past their weight issues in a dating situation.

  11. “You left them behind 40 pounds ago”. Ha ha ha, this is great. 🙂

    Speaking of fat being the new normal, go to pof and look at the pictures of women women with “average” body type, and “a few extra pounds”. The only honest ones are the ones who list “BBW” (another euphemism). The ‘few extra pounds’ most often mean obese, the ‘average’ means fat, and only what passes for “average” in other parts of the world will be “thin”.

  12. just visiting on said:

    So when the time comes to start the whole pof thing, if I put down average, am I going to get filtered out because guys just think the women will be fat?

    • Men who have shared stories about online dating have the common experience of meeting a woman who shared only a face shot on her profile and then turned out to be fat. I suppose a body shot (or at least something that also shows off your arms) would be a good preemptive strike against the assumption that you are fat and not truly average.

    • Acksiom on said:

      “So when the time comes to start the whole pof thing, if I put down average, am I going to get filtered out because guys just think the women will be fat?”

      Why are you asking?

      • There are a few tricks women use to avoid showing and stating that they’re fat or obese. They say ‘average’, ‘a few extra pounds’ (if they’re more honest), or ‘refuse to state’.

        The pictures are only head shots, and sometimes taken from above, so they avoid showing the big cheeks, double or no chin, thick neck. Like Bellita said, some avoid showing their arms (they carefully crop the pic). Another trick is to take a pic from an angle where the big upper arm and shoulder will look more ‘normal’. If they have a body shot, they also fiddle with the camera and posture–usually from the side, so they won’t show how wide they are.

      • Acksiom on said:

        I already know all that, thank you. I was asking jv why SHE was asking her question. It pinged my 3Pmeter so I’m checking her levels.

  13. The Lurker on said:

    Young men. If you are considering the crazy idea of marrying that pretty young thing you’re involved with, stop and take deep breath. Take a look at her mom. Is she fat? Hmmmmm. Does your girl have a zest for food? Hmmmmm. Does she yo-yo diet? Hmmmmm. Does she have a regular course of exercise? Hmmmmm. Just keep in mind that when, not if, she blows up, you’ll have to consider the question “am I gonna have to divorce a bitch simply because she’s fat?” And keep in mind that your lovely wife, family and friends will ask you about “unconditional love” and tell you how “shallow” you are. Enjoy your limp dick. The options are not pretty, especially if children are involved.

    • Yup. You will be shammed if you leave your wife because she got fat, but society considers it perfectly acceptable for a wife to leave her husband if he loses his job.

      A husband losing his job and a wife getting fat seem inevitable in contemporary America (at least where I live), so thats a good argument not to get married.

  14. Well I guess will never see the PM here:

    The fact that this club exists in the US is emblematic of our fall as a great nation. Were notin’ but a country of spoiled fat chicks.

  15. One of the saddest things to see is a girl who you know used to be attractive until she started putting on weight. One of the things I’ve been telling my daughter as best as I can, as kindly as I can, is to keep her weight down.

    So many women could bump their SMV up as much as 2 or 3 points if they just lost the weight.

    • lemmiwinks on said:

      Yup, I just saw a former girlfriend the other day who I up to that point I still had the hots for. She had put on at least 20 pounds and I am now instantly 100% over her.

    • Miss_Fu on said:

      I know a girl who is married and over the course of a year, put on 50+ pounds. It was shocking because she was gorgeous before the weight gain wasn’t a result a result of pregnancy (her son was over a year old before she started gaining weight). She went from an hourglass figure to having a round shape and a hunchback (no joke). Honestly, I was embarrassed for her.

  16. Jester on said:

    I went to a “unofficial” high school reunion a few weeks ago… Jesus! What a blubber fest! lol That hot chick that wouldn’t give me the time of day back in HS… Tubby little baby maker now. She came up to say hi… I politely excused myself to get another drink smirking the whole time. Whew! Dodged a bullet there! lol

    The cheerleaders all got together for a group photo… You could have easily turned it into a Weight Watchers promo ad.

    Ironically, the girls that were less attractive/popular (but slender) back in HS days were now the hottest looking women in the room. Some bloomed, some not-so-much, but at least they held on to their figures.

      • Jester on said:

        Hahaha… It’s funny because it’s true!

      • I think I want to be a director for a BBW fetish porno, wearing my cap and bull horn, and sitting in a directors chair. The best part is I would get to shout out: “Moo for me girl! Moo! Moo!”

        Perhaps in my next life Ill be born in CHATSWORTH, Ca.

    • Joe Bar on said:

      Interesting. I just went to an informal 35 year reunion. The hot chicks were still hot. The cheeleaders kept the weight off. The average chicks were a little hotter, for some reason. Maybe my standards have changed.


      I had a lot of fun with telling any decent looking woman that I had a huge crush on them in school, but was too shy to do anything about it. They just melt.

  17. AlekNovy on said:

    Ditto on everything, especially last paragraph.

  18. Hamster Tamer on said:

    NOOoooo… even body-conscious BRAZIL is being sucked down the vortex of obesity!… say it isn’t soooo!…

    OTOH, my 2 Brazilian ex-GFs had “power booties” (mostly muscle), and FLAT tummies! 😀

  19. I’m going to risk whatever shred of credibility I have in the manosphere to say this. Maybe since I’m responding to an older posting, no one will notice.

    I like fat chicks. Not the huge 400-pounders, but the super curvy plumpers in the 200 lb range. I realize that this is a sort of a kink, like being attracted to feet. But there it is.

    And they are so grateful! Find a 40-something, mildly-obese woman who hasn’t had sex in a year, and she will rock your world!

  20. This is an old post, but here’re a couple of points:

    1. I was a chubby kid until I cut out the sodas, the deserts and the fatty junk foods. I started biking and walking more. With the exception of the Freshman 15 in college, which I lost when I stopped eating alfredo sauce, the weight has stayed away.

    2. I dated fat chicks for years. Until I got to Korea, I tended to prefer bigger women because they acted more loving and considerate than their skinny counterparts. (For a while, I was getting thinner while my girlfriends were getting fatter)This line of thought held out until I arrived in Korea last year, when I realized that the women here not only looked better, they held more (MUCH MORE) physical appeal.

    3. Much as enjoyed my fat girlfriends, I know now that they had problems that they wouldn’t do anything about. It’s sickening to watch a girl sink further and further into obesity.

    4. “You left them behind 40 pounds ago” and “If you want a man, lose some weight,” stand as solid-gold advice. People need to stop rationalizing their poor choices and take control of their lives.

  21. Lurker on said:

    Yep, had to divorce my fat wife after years of trying. The poon party is on!

  22. Rachel on said:

    I’m 44, 5’6″ and 130 pounds. BMI 21. Size 6. What are your stats? How fat are you? I’ll bet you’re carrying around a few extra pounds. Also, from your picture, you’re about a 3 in my book.

    How’s it feel to be objectified?

    • Woo hoo! I’m objectified! I’m now part of the normal world of perfectly natural human behavior.

      Hey, I’m a 3… I’ll take that, cool!

      Go peddle your papers elsewhere, cupcake.

    • When you bring more to the relationship table than a vagina, you can ask for more. A woman of character would know that… A girl wouldn’t.
      Your comment is petty and attacks a specific person… Did he say something about you that we all missed?
      Grow up… That shit won’t fly here princess.

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