The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “February, 2014”

A Potential Online Dating Profile Photo Experiment

UPDATE – This photo is now the primary photo of my Plenty of Fish online dating profile (link in the blog post). Expect updates. This could get interesting.

I do not own that gun. This photo of me holding the assault rifle (FN-FAL) was the result of a visiting friend who brought over the fearsome firearm so as to show it to me. That was the first time I’ve ever held such a weapon and the big smile was the result of the sheer novelty.


Yes, I’ve fired guns in the past – on a gun range – but I am not an owner of such hardware. I would rather spend my money on other things. As well, I have little opinion about the politics surrounding firearms but I do understand the passion that both sides have regarding gun control legislation. My own enthusiasm will always be that of providing men and women with truthful advice about attraction and dating.

What some folks might notice – aside from the large assault rifle I’m clutching – is the ring on the fourth finger of my left hand, the traditional position for a wedding ring. The ring is the result of my trip to DragonCon last year  where I helped a friend with her exhibitor booth as she sold jewelry and those ultra-cool stainless steel rings (photos at the end of this blog post). I helped with the ring sales by putting in words and numbers on the outside of the ring by using a hammer and punch. I felt like Thor but on a much smaller scale. I have lots of those rings now and I wear them on any particular finger when my mood suits me, I sometimes wear several rings at once (pea-cocking?).

That very spur-of-the-moment photo provides a very unique opportunity for an online dating profile experiment. I have a mostly inactive online dating account on Plenty of Fish (PoF). I’ve not done any recent online dating mostly because of events related to health and pavement. But the profile is still out there. Wow, I just made that profile public.

I have the option to make the gun photo my primary profile photo and see what the response will be. Should I do this, here are my predictions:

  • PoF receives complaints and my account is banned because, you know, assault rifle. Again, I’m not political about this issue but I’m curious how a photo with this type of weapon will be received.
  • PoF receives complaints and my account is banned because, you know, “wedding” ring.
  • Women respond favorably to the gun photo and their attraction for me goes way up yet they don’t notice the ring. Because, you know, assault rifle.
  • Women respond favorably to the gun photo and their attraction for me goes way up but they do notice the ring. Because, you know, “wedding” ring.

So, readers, what say you? Should I make the infamous gun and ring photo my primary online dating profile photo? Perhaps hilarity would ensue. Granted, I am a shockingly handsome fellow so the girlies will, of course, respond to that. I am just wondering how these “accessories” will impact my online dating experience.

DragonCon Photos

This is me in my friend’s DragonCon exhibitor booth. I am definitely looking awesome in that fine kilt and sporran.

I bought a new kilt and sporran to fit in. Damn, I look good.

This is the ring set up where I pretended to be Thor. We sold a shitload of those things and I got to work out my aggressions. Danny would be proud.

RingSetup[If you want to buy a ring, let me know. I can have any combination of words and letters punched on the outside of the ring. The number of characters is limited by the ring size and there is only one font. There are four different styles available. Contact me for more details. Seriously, these are cool rings and only $20 a pop plus shipping and handling.]

Online dating is the crucible of real attraction ‘twixt the sexes and it’s away from the prying eyes of political correctness. It is the behind the scenes action that reveals the true motivations of men and women alike. Read online dating profiles and be informed.

P.S. – Don’t forget to donate. Thanks!

It’s Not Fear Of Rejection, It’s Fear Of Punishment

I read many different Internet forums that deal with men’s issues as they relate to attraction and dating.  I was over at the A Voice for Men forum and found a devastatingly perceptive observation regarding why so many men don’t approach women. Here’s the post, in italics, that started the thread (in the Relations & Dating section of the forum).  My inline comments are in bold. I have some additional comments are under it.

I have a theory that the notion that “men fear rejection” is horribly misguided.

I was exploring my fears almost a year ago, and I realized: “Wait! I don’t fear rejection. I fear punishment!”

Fear of Rejection:

  • The fear that she might say “no,” and not be interested in having a sexual relationship with me.

Fear of Punishment:

  • The fear that she will express disgust or shaming or laughing towards me. That’s right girls, punish his ego.
  • The fear that she might tell her friends that I am a “creep,” and that the women will start spreading the word amongst themselves. This is good motivation to learn better social skills.
  • The fear that my advance will be felt to be dangerous, or that my interactions with women will be felt as potentially dangerous, because I did not observe some cautionary signal that women are looking for but I don’t happen to know. More motivation to learn better social skills.
  • The fear that I will show up on the radar of white knights, who will then signal that I am “under watch,” warn women of my approach, interrupt future approaches, what have you. I loathe white knights.
  • The fear that I will lose social status, be laughed at, or shamed before the local community. This is huge and I have more comments on this below.

Other Fears:

  • The fear that she will make up in her mind that not only is she not interested now, but that she will decide that she will NEVER be interested. The writer of this thread post doesn’t yet understand that there are few, if any, second chances.

When I inventoried my fears, I realized that by far, the fear of punishment dramatically dwarfs the fear of rejection. Yet, we’re always hearing talk about how men “fear rejection,” and how it’s viewed as almost an insult to women: “You can’t handle that she might say no. You feel entitled to a yes, basically.” But that’s ridiculous.

Imagine that you had telepathic powers, and you could read a woman’s mind, to see if she would say “yes” or “no.” There would be no punishments issued, because she wouldn’t even know that you asked. Would you check to see her interest? I can’t speak for you, but for myself, I’d do it in a heartbeat! I’d be constantly scanning most every woman around me, in order to find out, “Are you interested?” (..!) If I were afraid of the rejection itself, my answer should be “no.” But it’s NOT the rejection I’m afraid of. It’s the punishment.

I don’t hear anybody really talking about this, but I think that we should be talking about this more loudly.

I think we should be talking about all the ways that men are punished for doing the task that is assigned to men ANYWAYS. I am meaning how men are forced to be the ones to initiate, or else nothing’s ever happening for you. What sense does it make to force a person do a job, refuse to tell them how to do it “right,” and then dole out powerful punishments for doing it “wrong” ..? This is the most important paragraph in the thread post. Women won’t correctly tell a man how to approach a woman, that’s the Manosphere’s job.

I want us to be vigilant about making it safe for men to make sexual requests of women. And I want to get the word out that we need to be compassionate for boys and men who are making sexual requests. There’s this whole thing about shaming socially awkward men, especially socially awkward men who are making sexual requests. Yet these are the people who MOST need to make awkward sexual requests, so that they can develop to the point where they can make skilled sexual requests. I somewhat disagree. A man must learn better general social skills before he starts trying to be more assertive with his relationship goals.

My experience from talking with women is that they have simply NO CONCEPT of what the punishments are like for men. Norah Vincent wrote about this in “Self-Made Man,” and trying to explain to women what the situation was. I know a feminist woman who goes to bars in order to compete to make men cry  with her friends. I want men to go out there, and talk about the punishments. (I told several feminist women about this, and they said, “That’s not feminist! That’s not what a feminist would do!”, but… …they were all friends with the feminist who does this. They just weren’t aware that it was her.)

At the very least, whenever you hear the phrase “fear of rejection,” consider replacing the phrase with: “Fear of Punishment,” and think about what exactly are the things you are fearing having happened.

I think men are being made to take on too much crap from women, and I think men are too often serving as the servants of women in dishing out punishment and shame. I want us to push for more sensitive women. Me, too.

Us gents in the world of masculine self-improvement are continually extolling guys to have incredibly thick skins when it comes to approaching women. That makes sense when it’s only a simple rejection. Frankly, I had never considered these various punishments that might accompany a simple, polite rejection. Women – and girls, especially – do judge ferociously should the “wrong” guy approach. The thermonuclear rejection, “ewwww, as if!” is a form of emotional punishment meant to belittle a man’s ego.

For a guy established in the community and re-entering dating without adequate social skills and charisma is running a huge risk when he approaches a woman to see if there is a mutual attraction. She will likely be nice about the rejection but if she’s also part of the community and is social, she very well might assassinate his character to her friends, male and female. To me, this is the biggest punishment because it greatly reduces the man’s future chances to successfully approach other women. Likely, he won’t know why he is presumptively rejected without even a chance.

Fear of punishment is a huge reason for the popularity of online dating. If the approach can be made from the relative safety of the computer, the rejection can have far fewer punishments for the man. There’s a big caveat here. In smaller communities, there is a still the risk of punishment because women will communicate with each other. This applies to small geographical communities and/or online dating niche communities, like JDate (trust me, I know this from personal experience).

The next time a woman mocks men for the fear of rejection, I’ll be the first to speak up so I can say, “It’s not fear of rejection, it’s fear of punishment”. I urge other guys to do the same.

Carrying One’s Self

“Carry” has a different meaning than simply hauling something around. It also means how one presents himself or herself in the public space. “Carry” in the context of this meaning is no longer USED often. It’s a word that is simply losing favor as the English language evolves. It’s a word that needs to stay alive because it fits so nicely to the concepts of successful dating attraction.

Here are some examples of phrases that use the word “carry” in this context.

“She carries herself with grace and style.”

“He carries himself with quiet dignity.”

“She carries herself gravely.”

“He carries himself like a fool.”

These phrases sound as if from a 19th century novel. They are still valid, however. Masculine Charisma and feminine charm can be so easily described when using “carry”. Consider how people perceive you. If someone asked “How does he carry himself?” What do you think would be the answer? The same applies equally to women. “How does she carry herself?”. The answer gets to the heart of how the public perceives that person. You are that person.

“Carry” includes personality, attitude, behavior, and appearance – in that order. This is why the word is so useful. It strikes to the heart of having a well-rounded personality. So much of self-improvement for men and women alike is based on constituent parts and not the whole person as presented to the public. The modern manifestation of “carry” is “frame”. Frame is a more common term now but it’s still not common enough to ask “What’s his frame”? Unless you’re with a Red Pill aware person, the question isn’t understandable to enough people.

Given today’s political correctness, “carry” implies judgment. Indeed, it is a word that judges. There is nothing wrong with that. Privately, in our own minds, we judge other people constantly. We make a mental evaluation of the person we are interacting with and come to certainly conclusions about that person. No amount of social conditioning will change that.

So, reader, how do you carry yourself?

Three Years O’ Blogging

It’s been three years since I started this blog. It started as a way to express myself and to describe my dating efforts. A writer’s got to write. It was very fortunate that Dalrock found my blog within the first two months of its existance. He gave me a fine endorsement and that really started things for this blog. For the record, I’ve been commenting and writing about men’s issues since 2007 under a variety of pseudonyms.

Over the years, my blog posts have evolved from being rather negative to being mostly positive so I could help post-divorce singles meet their relationship goals. The blog’s traffic steadily increased and it currently stands at over 1.7 million total page views since the beginning. The average daily page view count is still over 1,200. I’m pleased with the loyalty.

I did make some very personal posts about my individual dates. Those posts were deleted because I realized that my knowledge of attraction and dating is about generalities, not just my personal experiences. It would be arrogant of me to assume that my personal experiences are reflective of every man’s experience.

I’ve met and corresponded with many readers. They are all interesting and intelligent people and a serious blessing to this blog. I must thank you readers, commenters, and personal visitors who I’ve met in real life. Y’all have seriously enhanced my blogging life and provide continual motivation. The donations over the past couple of years have been incredibly inspiring, as well. If any more of my readers and commenters want to visit Lauderdale-by-the-Sea, I offer my hospitality.

Last year’s plans for Red Pill Dating were seriously interrupted by the vagaries of my health and the power of gravity over my motorcycling abilities. This is also why my blogging output declined. However, I’ll still keep at. It’s an extremely delicate balance between the mainstream world of dating advisers/coaches and the very genuine and strong feelings of many Manosphere readers. Reality and truth must always always be the focus. That’s not always easy when one is trying to make a living from doling out truths and realities while couching them with pretty lies. I’m not yet making a living from giving advice so I can lean away from the pretty lies, but only for now.

The Manosphere has not been without drama in the past three years. Conflicts amongst individuals and groups have happened and are still ongoing. That’s not surprising when guys with high confidence and strong convictions inhabit the same space, even if virtual and conceptual. As of today, the Men’s Human Rights Activist (MHRA), Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW), and Pick Up Artists (PUA) are three distinct divisions of the Manosphere. I don’t expect the divide and conquer strategy will work, however. As an aside, the conflicts between individuals matter little in the long run.

There’s much ahead for this endeavor. Despite the challenges, I’ll find the energy and time to make things happen. I hope my blogging colleagues do the same and ignore the conflicts.

White Knights Attack!

Earlier this evening, a white knight physically attacked me. For real. I was talking about not putting women on the pedestal and he pushed his hands against my chest in an aggressive manuever. I didn’t respond. Actually, I was rather amused.

A bunch of bar patrons collected him and pushed him out. Cool. This is my regular hang out and it wasn’t his. So, it was made clear to him that he was no longer welcome.

White Knights are angry and want to be violent… to protect women. I held my ground. The White Knight was furious. I was talking about about not putting women on a pedestal. He grew angrier and angrier…

Finally, he pushed against on my chest, with both hands. He was seriously furious. I laughed. The bar patrons “organized” his retreat and away he went. Wow. That was interesting.

I am surprised yet not surprised by the events of this evening.

White Knights, go fuck yourselves.

Oh, and my dog was useless throughout all of this.

Post Navigation