The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for the post-divorce crowd

Archive for the category “The Collective Wisdom of Men”

Video Podcast 5 – A Dating Secret For Women

Yes, I’ve been cranking out the video podcasts recently. This one is aimed right at women. To my guy readers, please share this link (or just the video) to all of your single, female friends who are frustrated with attraction and dating. Many thanks.

The original blog post is here.

[If you liked this video podcast, please support my continued efforts through my Patreon subscription effort. Thanks.

 

Guys, Don’t Be A Schmuck

Early in the dating process, when a man and a woman have clear mutual attraction and the possibility of a serious relationship is on the near horizon, women often develop some unpleasant expectations from the man. She starts to feel that the man owes her something, something tangible that costs him money. She calls it generosity . He should call it exploitation.

Guys, here’s the rule – if you’re not also directly enjoying the act of your generosity through her actions, you’re a schmuck, a putz, a nebbish. You’re being exploited in the most venal, selfish way imaginable. I say directly enjoy because her smile and words of gratitude are fleeting and can vanish with a mere thought on her part. Smiles and words are too easy for women. She has to earn, through actions over time, your generosity.

If you don’t expect to directly enjoy your generosity through her actions, she will lose respect for you. You’ve become a beast of burden, only deserving to be figuratively whipped when your generosity again becomes necessary for her. No woman respects a man who is in that position. Her hindbrain is telling her that he’s weak and supplicating, no matter what her words might indicate – actions over words, above all.

When a woman expects generosity, a man must directly communicate his own expectations in return. Here’s the immediate response he must deliver when she mentions his “generosity”: “What will you do for me?” There’s nothing selfish about this. That question is the manifestation of a man standing up for himself. He’s showing some backbone. He’s showing confidence. The woman will likely spew out some feisty words in response but a man must ignore that logorrhea. Instead, he must look to her subsequent actions, they will likely be diametrically opposed to her words.

A woman’s expectation of generosity is also a huge shit test for the man. If he says no, he fails that test. If he says yes, he also fails that test. If he applies serious conditions to that generosity expectation, he passes the test. “Sure, I’ll buy that for you, what are you going to for me?” If her response is that her presence is enough or that she’ll stop dating him if he doesn’t, then the man must gird his loins and cut her adrift because she’s simply too selfish to maintain a relationship beyond casual dating. She perceives herself as a special snowflake princess, the type of woman to avoid.

I am completely aware that the definition of generosity does not imply a reciprocal action from the receiving party. But women demand generosity, a concept that also flies in the face of the that word’s dictionary definition. A man’s generosity must be random and unpredictable. It will mean so much more to her. As well, she’ll likely respond in a reciprocal fashion. And guys, don’t forget that dependability and predictability are not attractive to women, no matter what they might say.

Relationships during the early phase of dating is when the pattern of expectations is formed. If she expects generosity and he delivers it consistently and dependably, he’s a schmuck and she will find someone who has some backbone. You’re welcome.

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Alphabet Soup, Volume 1

Years ago I had a satirical website, Upchuck.com, about the city of Charleston, SC. I lived there on two separate occasions back in the ’90s and the second time around my ex-wife and I actually owned a home in the downtown area. The website was vaguely similar to The Onion in that I wrote amusing “news” stories about the stereotypical goings on in that wee historical city.

The website was quite popular and when the news media tracked me down I was interviewed and put on the front page (below the fold) of the Sunday Post and Courier, the local daily newspaper. The satire I wrote was also republished in the local free weekly, The City Paper. Three or four times, I used the “alphabet soup” format which I’m using for this blog post.

The format here you’ll see immediately. I don’t remember where I got the idea although I’m positive I copied it from another source. As I’ve been blogging quite a bit recently, I think it’s time I lightened up just a bit to get a break from all the serious stuff I’ve been scribbling this past week or so. You’ll recognize some words and concepts in this Alphabet Soup format, the Red Pill attraction and dating version.

Adrift – Where too many post-divorce men find themselves when they re-enter the dating world.

Bad Boy – Women still love this type of man regardless of age. See “Edge”.

Consistent – Too much of this is actually makes a man look dull and boring. Mix it up, guys.

Dating – It can actually be fun if you don’t take it too seriously.

Edge – This is a type of independent confidence that women find very attractive in a man.

Far – Even with Skype and other technologies, the long distance relationship is not realistic.

Gorecki – Take a date to a classical music concert. You’ll impress her and she has to dress up.

Handy – Not that kind of handy. A man should be good with tools and fixing stuff.

I – A pronoun to avoid during a conversation on a date. This goes especially for women.

Jump – Guys, if she asks, don’t. That’s for weak, obsequious doormats

Knowledge – There’s so much truthful dating advice in the Manosphere there’s no reason to be willfully ignorant.

Love – It gets qualitatively different as we get older and wiser.

Manipulative – We all have it in us. Keep it to a dull roar because men should be direct.

Organize – What to do if you’re doing a lot of dating with different women.

Politics – I don’t talk about such things nor should you on a date.

Qualify – Just because she’s got ladyparts doesn’t automatically make her a potential date.

Respect – Only give it to her if she’s earned it.

Sex – Why yes, adults do this. Giggity.

Tomassi – Are you reading Rollo? You should.

Uxorious – Guys, know this word. Don’t be like this.

Vivaldi – He didn’t compose 1500 concerti. He composed the same concerto 1500 times.

Wall – With age comes this phenomenon, for men and women alike. It’s easier for men to deal with it.

Xylophone – A man knowing how to play a musical instrument is a good thing.

Youtube – Yeah, I’m doing that. Check out this one. More to come.

Zundapp – German motorcycles are cool. Every man should learn to ride a motorcycle.

I’ll be using this format frofm time to time just to keep things interesting. If my commenters want to chime in with their own lists, I look forward to it.

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Deconstructing A Woman’s Online Dating Profile

Even though I don’t recommend that post-divorce guys spend all their dating efforts thrown toward online dating, it is still a valid tactic to utilize. To that end, I still review female profiles to note trends, bad and good profiles, and specific profiles that can be educational for post-divorce single men. Here’s one that I found very recently on one of the online dating websites where I have my own profile (I’m not linking directly to it):

I live on the ocean and love everything pertaining to the water. The beach, deep sea fishing, snorkeling, jet skiing, speed boats, yachting and taking walks on the beach. My other interests include NBA/NFL games, Indy 500, the horse races, polo matches, concerts, yoga, working out, festivals, art showings, Broadway, wine tastings, traveling, weekend get aways, going to the movies, cooking, trying new restaurants of all ethnicities and cultures, taking a ride down the beach on the back of a Harley, reading, fashion, interior design, thunderstorms, fresh flowers and kissing. All my photos are current within the last 6 months to present.

Note what I have put in bold face in her profile. Such enthusiasms are hardly inexpensive. These are things she has experienced in the past and fully expects them in the future. Woe be unto the man who does not provide such things. He will not have dates or a relationship with this woman. For the vibrant, charismatic man who can deliver up some yachts or polo, there is a surfeit of younger women who would happily occupy space on deck (or dick). Often, there will be a group of such women if the yacht is big enough or the polo match is prestigious enough. This is South Florida, after all. Here’s a somewhat related blog post of mine that addresses some of this.

Most of this woman’s 13 photos show a very attractive, slender, blonde woman with a very nice smile. It’s important to know that such photos are nothing more than labeling on a package. Without actually meeting her, there’s nothing in her profile to indicate what she’s like as a person, only that she’s very attractive physically and likes expensive things. Of course she will get a metric shit-ton of incoming messages from thirsty guys who can see nothing beyond her looks.

As is typical, she mentions almost nothing as to what she offers a man other than her looks. Of course, she describes what she wants in a man. I want chemistry, passion, loyalty/honesty. A vibrant, intelligent, loving man. There’s even a further challenge for her. She’s 5’10” tall and hypergamy demands she dates a taller man, even more limiting her dating pool. This is all well and good. All women have preferences, even demands. But until they specifically state what they offer a man (something that he actually wants!), it’s still a solipsistic state of affairs and self-limiting for her.

This woman did look at my profile, this is how I found her. But as I won’t be providing such those activities she enjoys, I won’t be sending her a message. To her credit, her preferences aren’t the usual 463 bullet point checklist (HT Heartiste) as is typical for most women regardless of age. The key take away for men is that women expect their lives to continue on the same financial and material trajectory they established when they were younger. In fact, they expect that trajectory to be upward and fully expect the man to provide that.

Guys, consider yourselves advised.

[If you liked this blog post, please support me through my Patreon. Gracias.]

 

A Red Flag – No Emotional Impulse Control

It’s summer here in Lauderdale By The Sea. The tourists are gone. The snowbirds are gone. It’s just us locals sweltering in South Florida’s smothering heat. It’s the time of year when personality dysfunctions are in plain sight as folks gather at one of the several outdoor bars in the village. This gives me the opportunity to eavesdrop on conversations amongst us locals.

I have noticed far too many women here lack emotional impulse control. This lack of control firsts manifests itself as the absence of a filter from brain to mouth. I’ve written about such things previously.

From what I’ve read on other blogs, such lack of a mental filter is common amongst women. In certain social contexts this is not inappropriate. In the context of attraction and dating, the verbal filter is incredibly important. Please note that all remarks in this blog post apply specifically to the social context of attraction and dating. Got it?

There’s inevitably a miserable excuse for the lack of a mental filter. Usually it’s an invocation of geography or ethnicity. “But I’m Italian!” or “I’m from New York!”. Guys, if your date doesn’t use her verbal filter and then falls back on these type of excuses, take it as a massive red flag. Adults have the ability to select their words. Children just vomit crap out with little regard to what they are actually saying or the impact of those words on the listener(s).

Worse is the excuse of an unspeakably rude utterance because “I’m just sayin'”. My ex mother-in-law did this all the time. There’s even a parody song about this concept (I can’t find it yet). “I’m just sayin'” is used as a way to completely absolve one’s self of not having a verbal filter.

Another variation of this excuse is “I’m just being honest”. No, she’s being insufferably rude or simply too lazy or selfish to consider what she is saying. Worse still is this stubborn, brutal honest in a woman’s online dating profile. Such honesty is actually quite negative and off-putting to men, especially the top 20% of guys that most women desire. Why should an attractive man put up with any negativity from a potential date or paramour?

If the man hasn’t moved on from such a woman at this point, he’s stupid because the next phase in the lack of emotional impulse control is the emotional outburst of the negative variety. It could be over a miscommunication regarding the logistics of a date. It could be over a delayed text response. It could be over anything quite trivial during the early dating process. The hallmark of such a negative outburst is the F-bomb, either in person or in a text. That must be the last straw. No man must put up with such pathetic childishness, even for the sake of a brief sexual encounter. Guys, plunge not your lance into this dragon.

For the stupid and desperate men, the last phase of her lack of emotional self-control is the physical outburst. It could be an angry push or a slap to the face. This is the realm of the Cluster B woman. The colloquial phrase for this is “batshit crazy”. Even though post-divorce women over a certain age have mellowed, Cluster Bs are still out there and men must be on their guard.

There is no valid reason for a man to start dating a woman without emotional impulse control. Control of negative emotions is paramount. But also be aware of the positive emotions outburst. The common feature is the emotional outburst. A woman on a relatively emotional even keel is wonderful and so much more attractive to men. Ladies, take note and avoid such childish emotional behavior, it’s highly unattractive.

Update: This list from Heartiste regarding “hot girl crazy” is cold, hard, and true.]

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The Intelligence Factor

I recently had a Twitter discussion with a couple of my followers regarding how women are attracted, or not, to intelligent men. My Twitter followers are a good bunch but skew towards the younger age demographic. This means that their life experiences and observations are through the lens of relative youth.

The Twitter conversation started thusly with this Tweet from me:

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Based on my research and experience, I have found that women are attracted to intelligent men. There’s an important caveat here: Intelligence without social skills and charisma is useless on its own when it comes to a man’s attractiveness. Illimitable Man (IM) came back with this Tweet:

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He might have a point. Ed Latimore chimed in to support of IM:

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Ed might also have a point. I made the point about age.

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Of course, these are younger men. As we get older, there are changes in preferences regarding attraction to the opposite sex. Of course, there are consistencies as well. Men still desire women who are feminine in looks and behavior. Women still want masculine men who can also provide resources. For women, this ratio changes over time. IM made this point with a subsequent Tweet in the discussion:

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As the years go by, a woman’s desire for masculinity wanes and her desire for security grows. This happens even if the woman has her own resources. Of course, the man has to provide even more security than she can provide. Hypergamy doesn’t care how much a woman has. Just know that charismatic masculinity always trumps boring security.

Because women are thoroughly obsessed – relative to men – with their financial, emotional, and physical security, it makes sense that they seek intelligent men because brains are a good proxy for the ability to provide. It’s not a 100% correlation, however. Yet, it’s close enough.

As well, a post-divorce woman with independent kids, in or out of the house, is thinking about her later years when she re-enters the world of dating. Sure, a silver-haired, charming Lothario with money is her first priority but she’ll take an intelligent, if boring, guy who can squire her to fancy dinners, swanky vacations, or just paying a mortgage. Even if the guy is a complete asshole, his intelligence has led him to the ability to be a good provider. Frankly, his assholishness is not necessarily a bad thing because at least he’s not boring. No woman at any age puts up particularly well with a boring guy.

It’s important not to conflate intellectualism with intelligence. There are plenty of smart guys who understand people and business but who lack any shred of intellectualism. These smart guys have succeeded over the years so they can provide sufficient security to a woman. If he has sufficient charm and charisma, he has plenty of options regarding women. Intellectuals too often lack social skills. Their conversations might be interesting to other men. But to women? Meh.

Some years ago, I watched a BBC documentary about the science of attraction. The presenter made the point that a man’s intelligence is his most important attraction point. Well, consider the source, a BBC presenter, a middle-age guy in this particular documentary. Of course he’s going to empathize intelligence because that’s what he brings to the attraction table.

For post-divorce guys, here are some lessons in all this:

1. Lead with your brains, preferably through charisma and charm. Social confidence and social skills are often perceived as overall intelligence, rightly or wrongly. Emotional intelligence also fits well here.

2. Be keenly aware that women might be after your ability to provide security, not your overall desirability. A woman over a certain age will trade true attraction for the promise and/or delivery, even if vague, of security.

In closing, I’ll refer to Briffault’s Law regarding the relationship between men and women.

[If you liked this blog post, support me through my Patreon. Many thanks.]

Dating Velocity

Knowing one’s relationship goals is a good thing. Men tend to be very goal oriented and work logically and rationally towards a particular goal. This also applies to when men decide to get back into the dating scene after divorce or when a relationship ends. However, men can find rushing towards those goals is not a good thing, even if supposedly rational and logical. It’s the leading cause of “oneitis” where men become desperate and then obsess about one particular woman. This stinks of desperation and is simply not attractive to women.

Most women are much more rational than most men at the initial meeting. For all of men’s complaints about screwed-up “chick logic”, it is men who can unconsciously fall into a very irrational pattern of behavior when they first meet a new woman who seriously interest them.

Most women are usually very careful about their dating efforts. What most men simply can’t understand, women are extremely and constantly concerned about security – physical, emotional, and financial. This is not gold-digging. This is wired into a woman’s DNA. Again, most men have no conception of this. Men and women are different, after all.

Because of the concern for security, women are less apt to rush forward during the dating process. Hence, it is the average, post-divorce man who too easily and unconsciously fall into a very irrational pattern of behavior when they first meet a new woman who seriously interests them.

Those women willing to rush forward are those to be very cautious of. A woman’s willingness to move ahead quickly into a relationship is a huge red flag. Such women are not emotionally stable. They are desperate, clingy, and quite possibly possessed of at least one personality disorder.

Even if the first few dates are full of attraction, chemistry, passion, a man should play it cool. He should resist the urge to increase the dating velocity so that he can be circumspect and not come across as desperate or needy. Many men make this mistake because they perceive themselves lower in the sexual/relationship market place.

There is a downside to this approach. It’s important that women who are single are always looking for a bigger, better deal even if they are a confirmed bachelorette. This means that during the initial dating process, a woman with whom you are seriously interested will swing to a new dating branch if it presents better opportunities. For women over a certain age, this means more security, especially if the guy has a small degree of charisma. There are two solutions for this:

1. “Spin plates”. This just means dating more than one woman concurrently. It’s facile of me to say this because I know that many men lack either the ability to provide some type of security or lack the necessary charisma. It’s important that a man provide either or hopefully, both. Charisma can be learned (it’s difficult, I know). Providing security is more problematic.

2. Avoid date venues where a woman’s hypergamous instincts are triggered. This includes bars, nightclubs, a concerts. As an aside, a concert is the second worst date idea. The first being dinner and a movie. Rather than a drink at the bar, a man should find an isolated table so he and his date can converse more intimately with a lowered risk of some middle-aged Lothario interfering. Better yet, a man should be perceived as that Lothario even if his relationship goal is to be in a committed relationship.

Dating 2.0 is not easy, I know this. It’s especially tough for post-divorce or post-relationship guys who have lost their dating charisma or even their social skills. It is my goal to help such men reach their relationship goals by navigating the difficult waters of Dating 2.0. This includes understanding how dating velocity works.

[If you liked this blog post, please support my Patreon. Thanks!]

Busy Social Life, Busy Intellectual Life

I continually exhort my male readers to be more social. Many of my blog posts are about the difficulty that post-divorce men have with their social lives, actually, their lack of a social lives. The response has been favorable because it’s very clear that having a social life is emotionally healthy. For the 400th time, human beings are social creatures.

Being intellectual is about critical thinking and subsequent research. It’s about the exploration of ideas such as history, science, psychology. It’s the vast universe outside of ourselves. It’s the opposite of solipsism. It’s also the opposite of emotional introversion. Men are particularly good at this. As for the subjects of a man’s intellectual life, that’s a subjective thing. Personally, I’m into American social history from WWII to the present. But if a guy is into astronomy, that’s just as cool.

A healthy intellectual life does not mean the monkish life of an idea-absorbed academic. Worse, being obsessed with a particular intellectual subject is unhealthy and can work against a good social life. A man’s intellectual life must be balanced with a healthy social life. Keeping in the theme of critical thinking, it’s vital that a man exposes himself (heh) to differing opinions and intellectual ideas. If guy is a Democrat, it’s good for him to hang with Republicans every now and again and NOT talk politics, just be social by making some chit chat and small talk. It won’t kill anyone. Bonus, it builds social confidence.

A healthy intellectual life must never be about tunnel vision or proselytizing. A man on a date trying to persuade the woman to a certain point of view can be a serious turnoff. He might come across as a blowhard, a terrible man to be. An intellectual blowhard is just as bad as a political blowhard. Real life sociability is not the general social nastiness the Internet. The atheists, Christians, and conspiracy guys need to seriously tone it down when out and about in meetspace.

Here’s the serious bonus of having a healthy intellectual life – women are attracted to smart guys. A guy with a well-spoken brain can make a dame swoon. It’s actually quite consistent, especially for women over a certain age. The key here is well-spoken. This is about backing up a healthy intellectual life with good communication and social skills. I do understand intellectual passion. I have it myself about the subjects I write about. But guys, don’t let your intellectual passions overwhelm you when you’re in social situations. It’s fine to allude to it or bring it up in passing. Just know that not everyone is fascinated if Pluto should be considered a planet or not.

Request For Questions

Inspired by this Illimitable Men blog post, I am requesting that my readers send me questions about post-divorce attraction and dating or any subject where curiosity lies.

Some questions I will answer publicly (with permission) through a mail bag blog post or privately with an email from me. Please note, I suck at relationship advice. I have some ideas about relationships but I will likely defer to those who have much better advice.

So, shoot me some questions either via email or with a comment below. Hell, I’ll even answer personal questions, within limits. My email information is here.

I look forward to hearing from you.

How To Be A Good Presenter At Work

Speaking to an audience is a very scary experience. This is one reason that there are paid speakers to kick off an event. Those folks are the ones on stage, informing and entertaining an audience. They also have special skills that not every has, either naturally or trained.

But this is not about professional speaking. Those are advanced skills. This is for the average person who has to give a presentation during a meeting with clients or colleagues. It’s likely a presentation consisting of a dozen or so PowerPoint slides on a business topic. A status report or end of quarter re-cap of numbers is quite typical. A kick-off presentation for a new project is another common one.

I’m not going into the details of creating good PowerPoint presentations. There are plenty of online resources for that. What I’m talking about is when the presenter starts talking. From my experience, most PowerPoint presentations are given in conference rooms where the participants sit around a large table and the PowerPoint display (on a wall or other type of screen) is the focus of attention.

If there is only one presentation to give, it’s important that the presenter sits closest to the screen. This serves two functions. First, it allows the presenter to turn his head to face the participants. This part is incredibly important as I will explain below. Second, if the presenter is closer to the screen, the focus of the participants isn’t split too much. As an aside, it’s easier for the presenter to see the screen. Hey, our eyes are getting older and less strong! I speak from direct experience on this one.

If there a multiple presenters, the head of the meeting might just move around the table, letting each presenter do his or her thing. This presents a challenge to each presenter. A suggestion at the beginning of the meeting/presentation, someone should suggest a presenter’s chair. Of course, this might be not feasible because of cable length connection. The work around is for the presenter to direct someone else to advance the slides on whichever computer the PowerPoint file is accessed.

The purpose of a presentation is to convey information and most importantly, hold the attention of the participants. Without that attention, the information is not fully conveyed and, in effect, the presentation didn’t succeed. The source material is the responsibility of the presenter. How well that material is delivered is also the responsiblity of the presenter.

The most important way to hold someone’s attention is eye contact. This is why is so vital for the presenter to be close to the display screen. People’s attention too easily wanders when the screen is too far away from the presenter. This also means that the presenter can’t be staring solely at the display. So, the presenter must know his presentation well so he can look at the audience. One of the big mistakes that presenters make is to only look at one person. It is absolutely important that the presenter makes a point to look at all the people in the room at some point, preferably at many points during the presentation.

The second point of attention is the voice. The biggest complaint from presentation participants is that the presenter has a flat, monotone voice. This can be remedied by watching and copying actors deliver good dialog. This doesn’t mean being overly dramatic while delivering a presentation. It’s not a Shakespeare play, just some PowerPoint slides. Just learning when to pause and when to enunciate the correct words and phrases really serve to hold the participants’ attention and focus. I’ve written about voice control previously.

This helps with man’s overall attractiveness outside of work. Good presentation skills are often seen as good leadership skills. Ever seen a successful CEO speak? Most often, that CEO has a very excellent presence while speaking. That CEO started with ordinary presentations, back in the days of PowerPoint 1.0 (if there was such a thing).

Delivering good presentations builds confidence and subsequent leadership. These are serious attraction points in a man. These are also good for a man’s career or his entrepreneurial endeavors. Even post-divorce, these characteristics can be learned and practiced.

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