The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “January, 2015”

Honest Dating

My blog-buddy, A.B. Dada, recently tweeted out a link to his Facebook post about “low reward dating”. I’m not a big fan of Facebook so, with his permission, here’s his whole post and link here:

Here’s additional info on his policy regarding anti-copyright (I like it)

A guy trying low reward living in 2014 asked for dating advice in 2015. Guess his TV addicted girl-friend didn’t appreciate him saying no to wasting cash at the bars and foodie crackhouses anymore.

Low reward dating is different. It’s about bonding two people closer together. It isn’t about having fun as much as knitting two disparate threads together without knotting them up or fraying them.

I’ll be writing more about low reward dating throughout 2015, but I told him about a few date ideas:

1. Go to a thrift store together and pick up some cheap musical instruments that you aren’t talented at. It might takes a few thrift stores but you’ll find it. Commit to avoiding the clothing section. Then go home, or to a park, or to a local train station and jam together.

2. Read to her. Toss her cheek on your bare chest on the couch and pick a used book up and read it. Slowly. Use your diaphragm so she takes in the deepest vibrations from your voice.

3. Fishing combined with preparing a meal later from what you’ve caught. Learn how to gather wild greens, too. That’s a full day or weekend planned right there.

I never understood the modern premise of dating. I am going to take my hard earned money and my rare time and take a woman I am attracted to so that she can be wowed by better men than me? Sure, let me take you to a movie to gawk at the ripped actor who spent 16 hour days for 3 months to get in shape. Let me take you to the concert where the more confident guy on drugs is crooning on stage. Let me take you to the bar where the mixologist in a vest and bowtie is going to juggle fancy addictive chemicals for $15 each. Let me take you to a restaurant where an executive chef is slaving others to create an amazing plated experience with rare ingredients you never heard of.

Doesn’t make sense, modern dating. It’s shared consumerism, but it doesn’t make you the winner at the end of the night. You’re just the consumer that is paying with both time and money.

A.B. is spot on. However, I don’t like the term “low reward dating” because the connotations are too negative yet the concept is perfect. Dating must not be about sharing consumerist goals. Fancy dinners, expensive gifts, and weekend trips sets up terrible future expectations and patterns. As A.B. states, dating is a fundamentally a bonding experience. While courtship is part of it, if the relationship goal is to have an satisfying and intimate relationship then it’s best to focus on the bonding element.

I prefer the term “honest dating”. That’s the process where two people get to know each other with shared activities and conversation without all the overhead of consumerism. If either the man or the woman expect such consumerism, neither party can expect real intimacy. Sure, they’ll enjoy some sexy-time and if that’s what they both want, bonus!

Honest dating is a great filter for winnowing out women who are more concerned with security than forming an intimate bond. Men must have a list of inexpensive but interesting date ideas so he can spend time with his date(s) and not be worried about impressing them with cash and prizes. Here’s the bottom line: charisma trumps cash. A trip to the zoo has more opportunities for wooing a dame than any fancy restaurant or gift of a handbag. If she mistakes a handbag for intimacy, she can hope the handbag gives her intimacy in return.

Dating Exercise For Women – Comments

My dating exercise for women has attracted some criticism. This doesn’t surprise me because that exercise doesn’t synch up with the feminine imperative. Given the general level of unhappiness that post-divorce single women have with dating, the exercise is vital and I will stand behind it. These two comments came at roughly the same time and from the same woman.

“We don’t need to put that kind of pressure on young girls, are you kidding. Be for real and be fair. You don’t teach girls that kind of crap unless you are going to teach boys the same thing.”

I’m not aiming this advice at young girls. That comment above is a distraction from my real audience in order to motivate an emotional response. It’s a straw man argument, nothing more. I’m not teaching young people at all. I’m giving information about attraction and dating to the post-divorce demographic.

There is a vast army of concerned individuals and organizations that seek to “educate” young girls about all sorts of social expectations. It can be argued that such an education is much more about indoctrination. I am not, nor ever will be, part of that army. Indeed, the overwhelming majority of my blog posts are directed at men.

“Now instead, why don’t you write an article that tells men that every time they spend time with a woman, to find something good about her, instead of finding something wrong with her and judging her physical qualities the way men so often do women.

Now this comment that I just wrote is the comment to go viral. Please be fair to females!!!!!!!!”

Actually, for too many men, it’s quite the opposite. They ignore a woman’s red flags because they are so enthralled her positive attributes. Men do gauge a woman’s attractiveness. That’s biological so it’s pointless to shame men otherwise. Women’s online dating profiles and advice for women are all about “chemistry”. From the online dating point of view, that’s all about judging men on their physical attraction. This is perfectly natural.

That dating exercise for women is simply a method for women to notice more men, not dating them, simply acknowledging their existence. The post was meant to help post-divorce single women with their dating frustrations. I won’t change my approach. I won’t change my editorial approach to make things “fair”. Life isn’t fair.

I am truthful when I write a blog post directed at my women readers. Fairness is a very subjective term. Fairness is actually a difficult concept to apply given that men and women are so different on so many levels, especially in the context of attraction and dating.

“I Don’t Like To Be Touched”

This made no sense to me when I first heard that phrase uttered by a young woman back in high school. I hadn’t been trying to touch her, actually. I was overhearing her conversation with a female friend. Since then, I’ve heard that phrase, said by both women and men, many more times over the years. The phrase disturbs me. It seems completely unnatural that a person doesn’t like being touched.

Human beings are social creatures. We need to be together, hermits notwithstanding. The use of touch helps to maintain the social bonds amoungst us. Various cultures have ritualistic touching during greetings such as shaking hands, kissing cheeks, hugs, etc. The feelings conveyed include trust, intimacy, affection, loyalty, love and so much more. Marriages end without touch.

Attraction and dating simply couldn’t happen without touch. Pickup artists (PUAs) are keenly aware of the power of touch as a way of showing attraction and perceiving attraction. “Kino” is the term used when a PUA subtly touches a woman during the attraction phase when meeting. When a woman is attracted to a man, she will often involuntarily touch a man. These initial touches are usually subtle.

When a person admits he or she doesn’t like being touched, it’s a direct statement of some type of emotional problem. A problem that clearly puts a huge barrier to forming healthy human relationships. Even a reluctance to be touched can cause dating and attraction issues. This is one of the psychological issues that post-divorce daters must be honest and introspective about before going back into dating.

This is not a demand to change one’s essential nature. This is an opportunity to break from old patterns of behavior that could very well prevent anyone from reaching relationship goals. Just “be yourself” is bad attraction and dating advice if those relationship goals aren’t being met.

Welcome ADV Riders!

I was away for some years.

Now I am back.

For the rest of my readers, this is a bit of an inside thing.

Life is interesting.

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