The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “June, 2014”

Just Who Is This Wiggler?

I got a fine, politically correct email where the sender takes some umbrage at one of my recent blog posts. I enjoy such umbrage because it gives me a nice, juicy blog post to write. I’m grateful to the politically correct shitlord for helping me wend away a fine Friday night. Tourist season has ended here so there ain’t no lady tourists to flirt with. Even my dog is bored.

The format of my fisking is thusly – the paragraphs of the original email are in italics, my responses are in bold. Naturally, I will not reveal the original email address to protect the identity of the foolish, ignorant, and naive.  Should I give some sort of trigger warning for the faint of heart and slender of intellect? Nah, just keep reading.

This article is simply not ok.

Eh, bad start. In my opinion, this article is completely awesome. A big part of Red Pill wisdom is acknowledging the horrible conventional wisdom that dispenses psychologically damaging advice regarding attraction and dating. In my writing here, I do a fine job of dealing with yet another pretty lie we tell each because of social expectations and culturally cancerous political correctness. Note to readers: political ideology is ruining the quest for meeting relationship goals.

You want women to “show some damned humility” and not display the “masculine” characteristic of confidence, nitpicking even the very words you think women should be allowed to use to describe themselves so that males will be more attracted to them–because you believe women ought to be more docile and submissive, traits that you believe will fulfill a male’s “relationship goals”. Inherent here is the implication that women are designed to submit to men, and thus are not equal–textbook misogyny.

Oh… I’m a big, bad misogynist! Let me scuttle home with my wounded soul tucked between my legs! Hey Poindexter, here’s a basic biological fact that ideology will never, ever be swept away through shame or bullshit social expectations: Men and women are different. We are different physically, emotionally, intellectually, socially. These are natural behaviors based on sex and DNA. We are so different that it’s amazing how we managed to populate this planet with several billion human beings.

Here’s something else, words have connotations which also cannot be swept away. Frankly, the English language completely fails to express the proper words with the effective connotations in this context. So, here’s how I will refine your ham-fisted attempts at framing the debate. In the context of attraction and dating, the man takes the lead. If the woman has a problem with that, she can simply rebuff the fellow’s advances, no harm, no foul. But here’s a dirty little secret, women adore the masculine confidence of a man approaching, being attractive, and leading the very rewarding art of the natural courtship dance.

Let’s stop acting like human qualities such as confidence are gendered. Let’s stop pretending confidence is for men while humility is for women, let’s stop pretending that certain words should only be associated with certain sexes. Let’s wake up to the fact that humans are humans regardless of gender, and both genders are equally capable of the same emotions, the same wants, the same qualities. Both confidence and humility are good qualities that good people possess. People. Period.

English words, including adjectives and adverbs, are either directly or indirectly assigned to a person’s sex. Pronouns are clearly feminine and masculine. Adjectives and adverbs have common usage applied to a person’s particular sex.  Given the vast differences between the sexes, your assertion that both are “are equally capable of the same emotions, the same wants, the same qualities” is simply wrong. Acknowledging, accepting, and embracing those differences make it far easier and far more fulfilling for the men and women seeking to meet relationship goals. The dating coach industrial complex is a profoundly important social trend and really reveals attraction truths. When it comes to attraction between the sexes, humility is on the feminine side of the spectrum, confidence is on the masculine side of the spectrum. Fight that at your peril because you will lose. But have fun while you try.

The fact that you believe a woman’s confidence works against a man’s feeling needed is…ludicrous. A woman’s confidence is her own and if a man feels threatened by it, he ought to reevaluate his own insecurity, because it’s incredibly childish to believe that another individual’s confidence with their own, personal self will emasculate him. That’s like saying because your girlfriend is eating an ice cream bar, she’s preventing you from eating one too. You’re effectively saying that as a man you need to have all the ice cream and any ice cream she gets should come from your hand because it’s your job as a chivalrous male to give it to her or withhold it as you please, right? Let’s stop being a baby and understand that both partners can have their own ice cream and enjoy it together.

Oh lordy, here comes the usual “threatened, insecure man” trope. Lay off the attempted shame, it’s beneath you and completely ineffective when arguing in this space. The readers here simply laugh that away because they are older and wiser. Readers in this space, the Manosphere, want truths. You are not dealing in truths, you are dealing in unrealistic and damaging social expectations.  Oh, and just using the word “emasculate” the way you did is ludicrous and also ineffective.  Really? Wow, just wow. I can’t even.

Women are just as entitled to confidence as men, in both the public and romantic spheres, and don’t exist to submit themselves to the whims of your dick. Your sense of what a relationship is and ought to be is very warped and seems to be based on some fantasy of a valiant knight protecting some helpless damsel, when in reality a relationship is two people enjoying ice cream together on equal terms.

Shit, I loathe chivalrous white knights as much as you. I deal in realistic and successful attraction and dating advice for the post-divorce crowd. A doormat dude supplicating himself to a woman’s endless needs kills a woman’s attraction and respect for that guy. Most men are ignorant of this. Just ask the fellow over at Bring Chivalry Back. He’s swimming up the cultural and biological Mississippi river with no arms, no legs, no life jacket, and a lead weight tied around his waist. Also, enough with the word “equal”. What part of “men and women are different” don’t you understand? Oh, wait, all of it. Time to move on.

Instead of demanding that women humble themselves before men, please realize that the fact that you feel women need to do this in order for men to feel good about themselves speaks of incredible insecurity. Effectively, you’re asking for a more abject woman so that you can feel in control, which is not healthy whatsoever and is actually a dangerous complex.

Let’s review some shaming code words aimed at men: Insecure, immature, intimidated, threatened, etc. These words simply don’t work on confident and charismatic men. Water, meet duck’s back. Oh, and “control” is another code word aimed at men. It can be translated as “do a woman’s bidding” so you can receive some affection. Here’s another dirty little biological secret in primates like us human. Relationships between the sexes is transactional. Don’t like it? Offended? That’s your problem and yours only.

You claim that women “humbling themselves” before men will evoke their protective instinct, but what women really need protection from is this kind of misogyny.

Careful, you’re invoking protection , the ultimate female privilege. Bad ideas! Bad words! Protect the dames! PROTECT THE DAMES AT ALL COSTS! Hypocrisy much?

I’ll end with this: While you claim a confident woman is good only for a few dates and sex, if this is the kind of thing you truly believe then you aren’t even good for that. Show some damned humility, already.

In closing, and after being marginally entertained by writing this blog post, I sum up with these words: Go fuck yourself you simpering, politically correct stooge. You know nothing of the realities of honest attraction and dating. Start a dating coach business, you’ll be bankrupt in moments. Also, go be humble on your own time. The readers here have more important things to do and humility is not scheduled.

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The Mine Field Of Adjectives

  • Nice guy
  • Good man
  • Mysterious fellow
  • Arrogant prick
  • Confident dude

How a man is perceived is complex and confusing, especially for the man back on the dating scene. After digesting the emotional turmoil that is divorce – even if civil – the single guy is entering a new landscape. Gone are the days of the dinner and a movie date. Now there is online dating and “meetings” where reduced expectations are the new normal.

But the 40-something guy simply wants to meet his relationship goals. Perhaps he wants to be a Lothario and master the art and science of seduction. Maybe he just wants a woman to love again and her love for him is matched. Maybe he wants the “stayover” relationship where there is exclusivity but not cohabitation. All these goals are legitimate.

Our 40-something guy is not in his twenties. He’s smart enough to listen to his single female peers. When he takes in their words, he has haplessly wandered in the adjective minefield. It gets worse if he fires up some online dating and reads a few hundred dating profiles written by single women. I’ve read tens of thousands of such profiles and I know the patterns.

“Looking for a nice guy” is a frequent term used by the dames in their online dating profiles. I’ve covered this quite recently. The difficulty lies in understanding that actions and words diverge terribly when it comes to understanding how women deal with attraction and dating. Descriptors like “nice” and “good” are the socially expected words. Those are polite company words. Those are the words used at singles events where we actually have to communicate face to face.

Away from social expectations and well-meaning friends, a woman does what she wants. She’ll publicly and happily tell a friendly fellow that she has no problem dating shorter men. But when she puts her fingers on the keyboard to describe her preferences, out comes “you must be 5’11” or taller” in her online dating profile. Gentlemen, this is a feature in women, not a bug. Deal with it like an with it like an adult.

When reading the pick up artistry (PUA) literature, a man learns a whole new language and a completely new set of skills. “Aloof”, “cocky”, and “confident” become the new normal. These are not the words of his sister and his female friends who bestow well-meaning and socially accepted advice.  Confusion swirls in his mind. Our man simply wants to be himself. He wants to be humble, decent, and good. But in his efforts to be such things, he dines alone and his online dating efforts come to naught.

Let’s bring in the whole concept of “be yourself”. New readers will be nodding in agreement. My seasoned readers will be slowly shaking their heads. If a man or woman is not meeting relationship goals, then “being yourself” simply won’t cut it. Coming through the divorce process is an opportunity to change. Yes, I said it, “change”. Human beings are incredibly adaptable, regardless of age.

It’s time to sum up. Nice guys lose in the dating game. Supplication never wins for guys. Chivalry ain’t working it. Good guys might do better but they need to be aloof and mysterious. If it such characteristics don’t come naturally, men can learn. Women can re-learn femininity, as well. Being more attractive to the opposite sex can be learned.

Pretty Lie Nuked – Nice Guys

This one is easy.

The dames completely loathe and despise nice guys. If a man is nice to a dame, she will instantly hate him. If she had a gun, she will kill him.

Actually, the word “loathe” isn’t strong enough. Give a dame a gun and she will murder a “nice guy” in a skinny minute.  She will take that gun, point it towards his head and blow his brains out without hesitation. Then she will hit up some Tinder dick to hamster away her homicidal act because she’s so empowered. But if that Tinder  guy is short, he’ll be on the low end of the “Fuck, Marry, Kill” game. Yes dears, men know this game. The ‘Net shows all.

Ladies, you hate nice guys. Please be honest about it. You ladies want a confident, cocky guy. If you want to kill off the nice guys, there are lots of guns available. Oh, and white knights should be the first to go. Thankfully, such guys will line up for the slaughter.

Another Pretty Lie Is Slain

 

As I’ve already savaged two pretty lies in my previous blog post, I’ll go for the hat trick with this blog post. Oh, and no trigger warning this time. Y’all will just have to deal with it. Exactly. Today’s pretty lie? Men are attracted to confident women. OK, pick up your jaws. I’ve got some ‘splaining to do. This pretty lie has three elements to it:

1. Projection.

Women are attracted to confident men. Confidence is one of the biggest attraction points a man can have. If a guy walks into a room with the right frame and a confident mien, the dames will light up. So, women think that men are attracted to the same characteristics in a woman. It simply doesn’t work that way. Men and women are different. The feminine attracts the masculine. A woman who expresses a masculine type of confidence comes across as bossy and domineering, a very effective attraction-killer.

2. Confidence is not feminine.

“OK, Private Man, you want women to be insecure.”

No, I want women to show some damned humility. A recent advertising campaign from Pantene wants women to stop saying “sorry” all the time. Eh, that works in the front lines of the office cubicle wars. I have no problem with that. But in private, away from the culturally cancerous glare of political correctness, “sorry” goes a long way and good way when relating to men. Being humble brings out some seriously protective instincts in men. It can make us feel chivalrous (damn, that word rankled me). A woman’s humility is part of the broken social contract where the war ‘twixt the sexes was actually a contract of being cooperative and complementary.

“But I’m a confident woman and I don’t need a man!”

Then you’re good for a few dates and some sexy time… then on to the next confident woman! Of course, you’ll still be in the rotation so don’t worry. A man must feel needed and a woman’s confidence works against that. Don’t like that? Date other confident women. You can buy each other lunch on alternate Saturdays.

3. Words and their meaning(s)

As an avid reader of online dating profiles written by women, I see women using all sorts of masculine words
to describe themselves. English words have connotations based on the sex of how they are applied and towards whom. Confident is a word most often applied to men. A woman uses that word to describe herself at her own risk. Here’s an excellent alternative that is far more neutral in regards to the sex of the person using it: “Self-assured”. Just like “strong and independent” is best used when describing a man, “self-reliant and resilient” is better for a woman.

It always makes me laugh when men try to act like women and women try to act like men. The differences between men and women create the attraction that helps us all meet our relationship goals.

(HT Roissy for the term “Pretty Lies”)

Two Pretty Lies Addressed

TRIGGER WARNING – There are some truths in this blog post that might cause offense (That warning inserted because irony)

In the effort to make us all feel good about ourselves, we tell each other very pretty lies to cover up the ugliest of truths. This is the conundrum of “polite company”. We seek to soothe, not to confront. When the merest whisper of confrontation surfaces with unpopular ideas, there are now some very politically correct ways to scream “shut up!” without actually screaming or saying the words “shut up”. Oh crap, I forgot to check my privilege. I am so sorry for causing “offense”. Regardless, I’m going to plow ahead.

The First Pretty Lie: “Accept yourself”

This is the prettiest of lies. It’s also a meaningless statement if a person, man or woman, seeks self-improvement in order to meet relationship goals. That phrase is actually damaging. If a person has accepted himself or herself then there is little motivation to adapt to Dating 2.0.

Self-acceptance results in too much personal stagnation. When relationship goals are not met, that’s incentive to cast off that self-acceptance and work on personal development. “Personal development” is the clever euphemism for “I suck at meeting my relationship goals and I have to change myself”. Hence, we have the dating coach industrial complex.

There are certain elements of life where acceptance is the only way. Consider the situation of the short man. Shoe lifts might help but he simply cannot grow taller. With the self-acceptance of his height, he can go on to improve his charisma and confidence. The ability of a human being to adapt and change is remarkable. Even after decades on this planet, a person can change himself or herself if the incentives are strong enough. Meeting relationship goals is a very strong incentive indeed. Did I mention the dating coach industrial complex? Actually, the whole life coach concept arose because traditional psychology hasn’t done particularly well. These types of coaches work to remove the cultural fog of the pretty lies.

There is a terrible social expectations that work directly against men and women working to improve their behaviors and personality to be more attractive to the opposite sex. Women are encouraged to appear more attractive physically but are actually dissuaded from working on their personalities so as to be more feminine. Worse, women are encouraged to be brassy, aggressive, and opinionated. That type of personality is hardly feminine and actually quite repellent to men with confidence and charisma.

Men are also encouraged to work on their appearance to be more physically attractive – though less than women – but are dissuaded from working on their personalities to be more masculine and therefore more attractive to women. Should a man work on his personality and communication skills to be more attractive, it’s somehow considered cheating or manipulative of women. So, men and women are strongly urged toward self-acceptance. The result is an unhealthy and static attraction and dating scene where relationship goal frustration is the norm.
The second pretty lie: “Love yourself”

Um, no. This pretty lie is simply an expression of the feelz over the realz. This lie is most often directed at women by well-meaning but hopelessly naive friends and advice-givers. Telling a woman to “love herself” should actually be considered a back-handed insult. Women tell each this lie because of feelings and not truth.

Similar to the lie of “accept yourself” some dissatisfaction with one’s self is necessary for growth and change in order to meet relationship goals. But loving oneself has some very unpleasant unintended consequences. For men, it’s insufferable arrogance and all the unpleasantness that goes along with that personality characteristic. For women, the unintended consequence is an insufferable entitlement complex. Such an attitude results in complete selfishness along with strong narcissism. A woman’s online dating profile manifests such an entitlement complex with long lists of requirements and the statement of “Don’t message me if…”.

The female ego run amok is terrible and terrifying thing. Younger men deal with this much more than men in my demographic. The stories. The stories of demanding, shrill, unpleasant young women are legion and frightening. To be sure, there are women over 40 years old who act like spoiled children and thankfully, those women are few and far between. “Love yourself” results in consequences divorced from actions along with a “I can do no wrong” mentality. When a woman “loves herself”, humility – a very attractive feminine quality – simply evaporates.

Pretty lies must be exposed so that the truth about attraction between the sexes can be revealed. With those truths revealed for all the see, it’s possible to engage in some meaningful personal development to increase attractiveness to the opposite sex. Let’s review some noble truths of attraction and dating:

  • Men and women are different
  • The masculine attracts the feminine
  • The feminine attracts the masculine

Have I mentioned the dating coach industrial complex?

(H/T Heartiste for the phrase “Pretty Lies”)

Advice For The Singles Event

With online dating such a time and energy investment, a live singles event is a far more efficient means to meet other singles. Because everyone attending being single, these are folks who want to meet other singles and enjoy a social event while they are doing it. It’s almost a no-brainer for men and women alike.

There is one important caveat. Social skills are required, especially for men. If a man is not prepared to approach women in a friendly and positive way, he should seriously consider if live events are appropriate for him. Because men and women are different, it’s the guy’s responsibility to do the approaching.

Finding a live singles event should be relatively easy in larger metropolitan areas. I recommend that singles sigh up for a Meetup.com account and search for singles group. The more members in the group, the more active it will be. There are also live events organized through Plenty of Fish and Match.com. Just know that if you attend an event organized through an online dating website, you will likely run into people who have rejected you online or you have rejected. When this happens, be cordial and light-hearted and never, ever asked why you were rejected. There are also singles ministries at larger churches. A well-organized singles ministry should have live singles events, including Bible study.

Live singles events are most often the realm of the post-divorce and older crowd. This, however, may vary by area so some research is necessary. This can prevent a large and potentially embarrassing age difference when attending an event. If there is a big age difference, accept it gracefully and use the event to practice social and observational skills.

Now comes the actual event and how to work that room. Men and women are different so men and women will work the room differently. I’ll break it down by sex. As most of my readers are men, I’ll start with that sex. There is a lot here for a man to digest. It’s unlikely that he might get all 15 things completely right. That’s OK, there are few home runs in life, simply a series of single and doubles. If a man feels seriously intimidated by this list, a way to practice is to attend other types of social events where there  aren’t any expectations related to being single.

  • Dress well, groom well, accessorize well, smell good. Your clothes must fit well.
  • Wear something that makes you stand out but not something outlandish.
  • Don’t have a specific goal. You’re simply there to have a good time and if you get a phone number or three, consider that a bonus.
  • Make sure you have a good frame. If your mood is not up for the event and you can’t imagine getting in a good mood, seriously consider cancelling.
  • Bringing a friend, male or female, can seriously help. Being the lone wolf requires huge confidence and too many men lack that level of confidence. With a friend, you can more easily form a small group conversation.
  • Remember that it’s a social event. Talking only with your friend defeats the purpose.
  • It’s your job to approach and start the introductions.
  • A good neutral question to ask is “so have you been to other singles events?”
  • Got a sense of humor and have good conversational skills? Use them effectively. I know that’s a facile thing to say to men who are more serious and a bit taciturn.
  • Talk to men, too. You might meet a new friend or if you’re with a female friend, you can make an introduction to her.
  • Talk to lots of women. Move from group to group, create new groups, don’t monopolize any one person or one group. Be the first person to leave a conversation so they want more. Own that event.
  • Avoid polarizing subjects like politics. Never, ever talk about your ex in any way. And no complaining about anything!
  • It’s not a job interview during a social event, don’t treat it as such.
  • Look for signs of interest in the women you are talking with. No interest? Politely move on.
  • If she does show interest, buy her a drink. Don’t buy drinks for random women, qualify them first.
  • If you’re genuinely attracted to her and sense that she’s attracted to you, tell her you want her phone number so you can set up a date. Don’t ask, state. If you get shot down, accept it with grace and humor.
  • Have fun.

If the event revolves around an activity, participate enthusiastically and avoid being overly competitive.

For the women (there is a lot of overlap with the advice for men):

  • Dress well, groom well, accessorize well, smell good. Dress like a woman, skirts and dresses rule. Highlight the positive elements of your appearance and figure. High heels are a bonus.
  • Don’t have a specific goal. You’re simply there to have a good time and if you give out your phone number, consider that a bonus.
  • If your mood is not up for the event and you can’t imagine getting in a good mood, seriously consider cancelling.
  • Bringing a friend, male or female, can seriously help. Being alone might lead to feelings of insecurity and vulnerability. With a friend, you can more easily form a small group conversation. Remember that it’s a social event. Talking only with your friend defeats the purpose.
  • Be approachable. Laughs and smiles make a woman far more attractive than intensity and negativity.
  • Talk to women, too. You might meet a new friend or if you’re with a male friend, you can make an introduction to him.
  • Avoid polarizing subjects like politics. Never, ever talk about your ex in any way. And no complaining about anything! Complaining is terribly negative and profoundly annoying. Listen to your own words as you speak.
  • It’s not a job interview during a social event, don’t treat it as such.
  • If you’re attracted to a man, show some obvious signs. Look him in the eyes, smile, touch his arm lightly, compliment him. Fortunately, if the attraction is genuine, doing those things will likely come naturally.
  • If you’re genuinely attracted to him and sense that he’s attracted to you, give him your number when wants it or asks for it. You do run the risk that he won’t call. That’s life. If you don’t want to give him your number because you’re not attracted, be nice about it.
  • Have fun.

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Four Single Young Women On Vacation

Consider this something of a stage play. Every time I venture into the village to walk my dog, I always make a point to look for women to chat with. This is made far easier by the six very local restaurants with outdoor bar and table seating. One particular restaurant, Athena By The Sea, has tables on the recently broadened sidewalk and a bar inside where part of it fronts the sidewalk so pedestrians can easily see if there is an available seat. Fortunately, this restaurant lets me put Lucy the dog on a bar seat next to me. Lucy is good for their business.

About a week ago and on a very pleasant evening, I was walking past Athena and spied four girls sitting at a high, four top sidewalk table. Tourists are easy to spot. It’s common for groups of single women to vacation here in Lauderdale by the Sea. These girls were all in the mid to late twenties and a rather attractive bunch. They didn’t see Lucy as I parked myself and the dog at the bar, not four feet away from the laughing and obviously happy girls. I really enjoy tourists, they are almost always pleased to be on vacation, teenagers on a family vacation notwithstanding.

With the table of girls directly behind me, I turned my attention to the bartender to order some humus. I know most of the staff at Athena so it brightens my mood to have some idle chit-chat with whomever is working. On the other side of the roughly V-shaped bar. After placing my order, I noticed four young men on the other side of the bar. While I couldn’t hear their conversation, the all looked fairly normal and seemed to be on vacation, just like the four girls sitting right behind me. The guys had certainly noticed them as the frequently cast glances in their direction. The girls had not noticed the guys because if they did, they would have seen Lucy sitting quietly on the bar stool next to me.

To better visualize these various stage acts, I present the stage:
4GirlsImage

The photo was taken from the inside. The part of the bar where the four guys were sitting is roughly the part of the bar facing the camera. On the other side of the bar I was parked with my dog. Behind my back sat the four girls outside. Two other actors, in effect off stage, are on the other side of the sidewalk. The photo is a bit old so it doesn’t show the very recently and much widened sidewalk.

This social scene went of for about five minutes. Then one of the girls saw my dog. It began. I’ve already written about my standard script when anyone sees Lucy starts a conversation with me. Once past the first act in which the dog is focus of the script, the “Are you a local or are you visiting?” act began. It’s a fun little stage play but rather predictable, regardless if the dames are local or visitors. At this point in this short play, I had gotten off the bar stool, leaving Lucy on the other bar stool.

Moving to the free side of the girls’ table and standing up, I found myself talking to just one of the girls. I’ll call her Claire. With the small talk, I learned that this group was from the New York City area and indeed on vacation, for a week.Now the stage is set for the next act. My readers are now expecting some standard charisma talk as I chatted with Claire. No, this stage play now takes the spotlight from me and shifts it to those four guys sitting inside at the bar, still glancing way too much at the girls. Claire made it obvious that she was amenable to meeting a guy for a potential hookup that night or at least during her vacation. I strongly suspected that the other three vacationing  girls would be amenable to the same.

I wasn’t that guy because in the course of the conversation I knowingly put myself in the position of older, wiser adviser regarding the ways of men. I asked Claire to look at the four guys in the bar. She quickly dismissed them.

“What’s wrong with them?” I asked her.

“They just don’t do anything for me.”

I was not surprised by her response. Women almost always find a reason to reject a man. This is a feature, not a bug. Even though those four guys were completely unknown and only visible from the chest up, Claire had rejected them. Here’s is what I surmise. Claire had seen the guys looking at her and her friends. She subconsciously noted that despite the looks, there was no further action from any of those guys. Unknowingly, the guys had put themselves into a shit test. If any of them bothered to approach the group of girls, the test would be passed. But the guys failed by just sitting there, sipping their beers and looking on passively.

“I’m kind of disgusted with guys like that” I told her.

She looked at me quizzically. “Why is that?”

“They’ve been looking at you for at least 10 minutes and not a single one has approached you.” I found it hard to believe that none of those young men came over to talk to a group of happy, slightly drunk, rather attractive, outgoing girls. I was very tempted to walk over to those fellows and pull one of them over to the girls. I’ve done that in the past with only mixed results.

Claire’s response was interesting. “I don’t like those guys, I like these two guys.”

She pointed to her right. I swiveled my head left and saw two young, fit guys sitting at a low table on the other side of the sidewalk. The two new actors in this play were deep in conversation and weren’t paying any attention to the close-by group of girls.

“How do I get them to notice me?” Claire asked.

“Face them and show a little skin” I told her. She did just that. I had noticed she was wearing a long skirt with a slit up to her mid-thigh but she had pulled the slit closed. Now, she let go of her skirt to allow much more of leg to show. I looked at it boldly and appreciatively.

“There ya go!” I told her. She looked pleased with herself. She then ran her hands through her medium-length, blondish hair. Can you say indicators of interest? Not towards me, towards the two dudes ignoring her.

“Now what?”

“Just wait, it’s up to them now.”

I couldn’t stay because my humus and pita bread was waiting and Lucy was getting antsy and trying to go after my dinner sitting on the bar. As I was eating, I completely ignored the girls behind me. I did notice that the four guys on the other side of the bar had apparently lost interest in those girls. After eating, finishing my beer, and paying the bill, I moved to leave.

With my dog off the bar stool and back on the ground, I turned to see that the scene with the four girls had completely changed. Two of them were now sitting at the table with the two fit guys and the other two standing close by. All the girls looked happy. The two guys looked completely calm and collected. Claire was one of the girls standing.

I walked up to her and quietly asked “How did this happen?”

“One of my friends started talking to them.” Women of all ages on vacation have a completely different frame and are more willing to take social risks they wouldn’t dare try back at home. I’ve witnessed and experienced this a great deal while living here.

I simply nodded and acknowledged Claire’s response. I then unhesitatingly introduced myself to the two young guys fortunate enough to have four vacationing girls just about surrounded them. The guys were local. This meant that they likely dealt with this scenario with tourists previously. I then wished everyone well and walked away into the warm Florida evening air, my ugly dog happily at my side.

Some lessons for men here:

  • The lockdown factor applies.
  • If you look at her/them for any length of time or more than twice, manlaw dictates that you should approach or you will fail your own shit test. At the very least, acknowledge your appreciation with a physical gesture like a small wave or an eyebrow raise.
  • Aloofness can work. Claire was interested in the guys who ignored her, not the guys who looked at her.
  • Get a damned dog.

Reader Email – Online Dating Edition

The email is in italics and my commentary follows it.

Hello and thanks for your site. It and a few others have helped me tremendously in the past year. I am very much a recovering beta, a 56-yo divorced white man living in a medium-sized (~300,000) city in the southern US. I have a question about online dating (OKC and PoF):

I get unsolicited interest almost exclusively from women who are older than I am and overweight. No thanks. I am often successful, however, at getting a more desirable woman to reply to my opening message in which I use information from her profile to kid around a little, sometimes including an ambiguity she might see as a very mild neg. Her reply usually seems open and pleasant. And that’s the end of it. I cannot get her to say anything further AT ALL (not even “no thanks” or “fuck you”) regardless of whether I continue with the small talk (and that’s hard – not many hooks in most women’s profiles) or propose a meeting. Here’s the most recent example (the gist, not the actual words used):

Me, 11:00 am on a weekday: Refreshing reading your profile, you’re out of the mainstream. Your stated awareness and appreciation of the smaller things in life is perceptive. We share an interest in old books. Your photos are unusual and cool (NOT “You’re pretty”), though I think one of them is photoshopped. Tell me more about your grad studies.

Her (37-yo bisexual, 7 or 8-ish but hard to be sure from the photos), 9:30 pm the same day: “Thanks!” Other people have said that photo is shopped but it isn’t, and was taken in a fairly daring situation I describe. The other photo (flexing bicep) may seem vain but was meant to be ironic. I’m in grad school studying X, to advance a career. Some things you mention in your own profile “sound like a great combination.”

Me, 11:30 pm the same day: Daring indeed, I’m impressed. (Do you like motorcycles?) I saw the irony in the bicep photo but nice definition anyway. Your studies sound good and relate in stated ways to my educational experiences and tendencies. Silly gag about getting lots of degrees. Where are you in school? Not surprised you’re (apparently) not a native of this area; where are you from? A comment or two about the things in my profile you mentioned. Do you play a musical instrument too? Happy to hear from you. Hope to talk more soon. Good night.

Her (definitely online before I send my next message): Silence

Me, 9:30 pm the next day: Your writing and thinking and freckles intrigue me and I like to meet sooner rather than later in cases like that. How about coffee and looking over the books at X bookstore (new books only) tomorrow morning at 11:00? PS: An author you mention in your profile – saying you often think about what that person would do or say in a given situation – would definitely come.

Her, 11:30 pm the same day: Views my profile a second time. Silence.

This seems to be becoming a pattern. I’m tempted to call them out for their bad manners but mostly I want to get laid so I’d want to call them out in a way to further that goal, if that’s even possible. Is it? What’s my best move in cases like this? Next? Or maybe you can spot the mistakes that are getting me into this spot in the first place.

Thank you.

Your very much welcome for my blog. Also, thanks for the demographic and geographic information, that is relevant.

At least you’re getting some incoming messages even though they’re women to whom you’re not attracted. Preferences exist for both sexes. Your experience with online flaking is common, regardless of age. You’re sending out solid (if a bit long) messages to the most attractive women online. That’s natural. You’re getting responses, excellent. But these women, like attractive men, have options and are usually quite ruthless when cutting off contact. You’re just yet another guy sniffing her out online.

As for that written “hook” in the profiles, it saddens me that women don’t put much efforts into their online dating profile. Many don’t have to because so many sexually thirsty guys send out copy and paste messages to almost every woman with the right age and geography. Those kinds of desperate men have seriously degraded the online dating experience for all women and for men who are serious about online dating. Oh, and the “dick pics” that women receive is another blow to the online dating experience for women.

You did make some mistakes. To start, you are assuming that these women have online manners that match in real life (IRL) manners. This is simply not the case, even in the South where manners are more important than up north. As well, if this woman is truly in graduate school, she’s incredibly busy. You have no idea why her responses are timed that way.

Another mistake you made is responding too quickly and expecting an equally quick response. You’re a busy guy and you have options. You must telegraph that by responding the next day, preferably in the morning or evening. Being online on a weekday at 11AM sending out messages is not a good thing. Women notice when a man is online and how often. Limit your online dating time because this projects an abundance mentality. I too made the mistake of being online too much and at that wrong times.

You also sent two messages in a row. That makes you look desperate. Granted, I can see the Hail Mary element when you actually proposed a date with details. But you sent that too soon. I empathize, here’s a woman who is physically attractive, bisexual, and almost 20 years younger than you. I’d be excited and over-eager, too. Hubba hubba! Some of my  commenters will say that the profile is fake. I will give it the benefit of the doubt.

It really doesn’t matter if they simply stop responding, it’s pointless to call them out. Remember that women actively look for reasons to reject a guy, especially online. Age matters. She’s probably looking at your profile to confirm the reason(s) because I’m speculating that she dropped contact because she found a guy closer to her age. The words in her messages are now meaningless at this point. Her actions have told you everything you need to know. She stopped responding. Move on.

This has happened to me many times. Hell, it happened just this week. Women respond positively to my message, we have a friendly back and forth (not more than four times), I move to escalate, and then they simply stop responding. My reaction is to move on to the next woman and never looked back. Amazingly, sometimes a woman who reached out to me with a messaging doesn’t even respond to my return message showing mutual interest. The world of online dating is an uncouth place. Long ago I stopped taking it personally.

As I stated before, your experiences are common so don’t get too frustrated. This is one more reason why I am now advising that post-divorce singles use live singles events for more of their “get a date” efforts. Online dating has a poor return on time invested, especially for men. It can work, but it is frustrating. Check your local meetup.com for active singles groups. Also, Plenty of Fish has live events as does Match.com. Here in South Florida, live singles events are popular and well-attended. I can’t speak for your city, of course. Also, consider speed dating as part of your IRL dating efforts.

Be aware that if you find yourself going to such live singles events, I guarantee that you will run into women you have sent messages to, or received messages from. When this happens, be cordial and lighthearted. Don’t even ask why they didn’t respond or stopped responding online. You live in a fairly small city so you don’t want to get the reputation of being a dick. When you do go to live events, dress one level up from all the other men. You’ll stand out better that way. You’ll also have the opportunity to brush up on your charm and charisma.

I hope this is helpful.

The Protection Factor

This tweet arrived recently from DateMe Kenya:

Ladies! Before starting a new relationship, ask yourself Will he protect you? Will he respect you?

The idea that a man should protect a woman is a social expectation likely based on some degree of hardwiring in a man’s brain. It’s interesting to note that the tweet originated from an African dating website. The expectation and instinct to “protect” women fits quite nicely into hypergamy. A tall, strong man with access to resources and with the ability to influence others is a genetically attractive man because he has the power to protect.

White knighting also fits well with that social and instinctual need to protect women. Back when the social the contract between the sexes was still viable, coming the aid of a woman was perfectly reasonable even if there was risk involved for the man. But that social contract is badly broken so white knighting is a ridiculous throwback from history. But as the need to protect women has an instinctual element to it, the white knight phenomenon will continue to exist even if the woman is behaving atrociously. For example, witness the 20-something crowd in a popular nightclub and how certain girls exploit potential white knights by acting childish and immature with impunity.

There are organized efforts to exploit the urge to protect women. Bystander intervention programs are being introduced at college campuses to address the sexual assault . Such programs encourage young men to help stop sexual assaults on girls by getting involved in individual male/female interactions. The New York Times has a good story on this . Some will argue strongly that these programs are nothing more than cock-block training. But consider the upside, if Frank the freshman can save a buddy from the possibility of a false accusation by intervening at the right time, Frank is showing some serious loyalty to his buddy.

Back when I was plugged into the dating matrix, dates were a way for me to find ways to protect that particular woman through some type of assistance. But looking for protection opportunities on a date put me a in a terrible frame to generate much attraction. I instantly became a helpful older brother. That urge to protect stifled my charisma. When I suppressed that protection urge, I found that going out on dates to be a much more pleasant experience. I was enjoying the company of women and it showed. It took awhile to unplug myself but when I did, I stopped some unhealthy dating habits such as white knighting.

I urge men to be extremely circumspect when the urge to protect a woman arises, especially on dates or at live singles events. The social contract between the sexes is broken so men no longer owe their time and effort to come to the aid of some random dame in need. There is also the issue of assuming that a woman can’t take of herself. Two generations of strong and independent women have been fiercely stating that women are strong and independent. Men should listen to that and act accordingly by judging the circumstances carefully. Short of being the recipient of violence from a stranger, today’s woman can handle herself and her problems without a man’s protection. Besides, she always has the government.

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