A Dating Exercise For Women (Re-post)

[I posted this just over three years ago. It needs to go viral.]

A fair number of women read my blog and for this, I am pleased. Normally, I write my posts with a male audience in mind. This post is an exception. I want women to read this very carefully and pass it along to their single friends. It’s important.

The biggest challenge is for women to re-adjust their approach to men. Women usually look for reasons to reject a man. They find the bad things first. This results in a lot of frustrated single women. To start the readjustment, I have this very simple mental exercise:

Every time you see and/or interact with a man, look for something good about him. This includes online dating profiles.

It can be something small.

It can be something big.

It has to be something.

Perhaps you see a sweaty landscaper with stained clothes working hard at his job. What’s good about him? He’s working hard. That’s a very good thing.

Maybe you have a male colleague who is not the most attractive of physical specimens. But you notice that he has a very nice voice and speaks very thoughtfully. Those are two good things.

You meet a man socially who has a very weak chin and terrible fashion sense. Yet you see that he has beautiful eyes, broad shoulders, and a great sense of humor. Wow, three good things!

You see an online dating profile with bad photos. The words, however, are well put together and are quite appealing. Good things, indeed.

This doesn’t mean changing your standards regarding the men you date. It only means noticing the positive elements in men. That’s the exercise. Simple, no?

Do this for a week. After the week passes, ask yourself this question: “Where are all the good men?”

Guess what, you just spent a week seeing them with your own eyes.

Feel free to copy and paste this into emails, blogs, forums, whatever.

A Very Revolutionary Statement

Men and women are different. The two sexes are so different that I’m amazed our species manages to reproduce! Our bodies are different. Our brains are different. Our blood chemistry is different. The way we experience the world is different. Our attraction points are different.

There. I said it.

I know what you’re thinking right now: “But Private Man, that’s obvious!”

It’s not obvious because a certain social ideology is vilely creeping into attraction and dating expectations. That ideology states that men are women are much more alike than different, that they should ignore obvious biological and behavioral differences in the context of attraction and dating. The men are encouraged to embrace their “feminine” side in dating and relationships while women are urged to be tough, strong, and independent, like a man.

By acknowledging that men and women are indeed different, it’s a push against the creeping tide of social “justice” in the attraction and dating game. Attraction isn’t a choice, it’s something that is very private that happens between our ears. In the public space we nod our heads in sage agreement that the sexes need to be more alike. But in private, away from the ideologues working hard to sabotage natural behaviors based on sex, we do what we want.

As an aside, I resist using the word “gender” because it’s been co-opted by those on the social fringes who are stubbornly ignorant about the differences between the sexes. I will never say “amongst the genders”! Quarrel on the fringes, I write for the rest of us, that vast silent majority cowed into parroting back the politically correct nonsense of social expectations regarding attraction and dating.

By fully accepting that men and women are different, many attraction and dating double standards disappear or minimized. It is important to state again that I’m speaking strictly about attraction and dating. What happens in other socio-cultural contexts – workplace, politics, law, education, church – is far beyond the scope of what I address. There are writers and cultural commentators far more equipped and far more enthusiastic regarding those cultural spaces.

Here’s an example of a dating double standard that is eliminated when we acknowledge the differences between men and women: Men paying for early dates. In the standard dance of Courtship Lite!, the man pays. He is the protector. This is biology in action, even if at a waterfront bar. The woman is the receiver of that protection. The simple act of a man paying for an early date is a gesture, if however modest, of that protection. Yes, there are exceptions, there always are.

I was recently invited on a first date and the comely lady who was quite happy to pay because she knew that she was breaking from standard protocol by inviting me and that meant she had to break from standard protocol by paying. It was a great date because of the mutual understanding that in this particular case, things were a bit different. Will this cause a problem down the road? Perhaps, but by accepting that invitation and her willingness to pay, I was willing to take that risk. This is a somewhat more formal process of dating that my younger readers will not likely understand given the realities of Tinder and hooking up.

The French wonderfully say “vive la differance!” I am no Francophone but that phrase is quite apt and should always be remembered when attending a singles event or surfing online dating profiles. Let’s allow men to be masculine and women to be feminine.
Despite the vast differences, we need and like each other. We’re in this for the species.

(That very last sentence is a quote from one of my favorite movies.)

The Male Gaze

This is not about the ridiculous politically correct phrase. This is about a concrete tip for men that can be easily followed. Christian McQueen made a very accurate observation about Manosphere blog posts. There’s quite a bit of theory and not much solid, actionable advice that men can follow. Here’s some actionable advice based on my observations of men out in public.

Guys, stop looking down. It makes you look subservient and weak. Look at the horizon or where you imagine the horizon to be. This applies both indoors and outdoors. This certainly applies when you’re sitting having a conversation, Bringing your gaze away from the ground accomplishes a great deal.

Your ability to observe the world increases greatly. This is especially true for watching people. If you’re not looking at faces, you’re missing enormous opportunities for watching facial expressions and seeing the subtleties of those expressions. You needn’t stare too much. Your own subtleties are equally important.

Your overall mien becomes more confident. If your head is up and you’re looking ahead, your posture improves and you can more easily make eye contact with the rest of humanity. Making eye contact is a crucial element of showing confidence. Averting one’s eyes is a very hard habit to break. A big part of that is the message that men must be always non-threatening. Looking directly at another man’s eyes, in some cultures, can be taken as a challenge. It’s not like that here. Here’s a tip – if the other looks back long enough, raise your chin in a greeting and acknowledgement that you have made eye contact. Never dip your chin.

By looking at the horizon, a man is going to improve his posture as he walks. A good posture speaks loudly and well of a man’s general confidence and attitude towards life. As an aside, when a man walks he should keep his hands out of his pockets and never cross his arms nor keep his hands behind his back. It’s simple things like this that make a man stand out in a very good way. This is not theory, this is practical advice than men can start following right now.