The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “May, 2011”

Search Term Weirdness

Every now and again I have a look at the search terms by which readers find my blog.

Here are a couple of winners:

“iwant private mans”

Who doesn’t? Take a number.

“i need a contact number for a porn producer”

WTF? I googled that phrase, without quotes, and sure enough, one of my older posts is displayed in the second page of the search results.

Maybe this is the reason my hit count has been increasing nicely.

For the record, I don’t watch much porn. My imagination and memory are far superior to the creative “efforts” of a porn producer.

Regarding Women – The Most Important Word In A Man’s Vocabulary


Two generations of beta men have been trained to never say “no” to a woman. Women know this and when they are dealing with a weak, supplicating, doormat of a man they know perfectly well that the man simply can’t say no. Exploitation and manipulation commences with vigor.

Women expect men to acquiesce to even the most outrageous demand. As well, women throw out shit tests constantly and far too many men have no clue how to handle those tests. “No” can be quite effective in this context.

Guys, please learn this word and use it with women. Saying “no” is quite the Alpha move in the right context. It accomplishes the following:

1. Demonstrates higher value. You’re communicating clearly and unambiguously that your time and energies are more important than hers.

2. Keeps you out of the beta orbiter classification. There’s nothing more wretched and low than being a beta orbiter.

2. In reference to sex, it shows that you have self-control. It also makes a woman’s rationalization hamster try to spin in two directions simultaneously. That’s some quality entertainment, right there.

As for follow-up advice, keep the explanations to a minimum. If you explain too much the reasons you said “no”, it comes across as beta. “I’m busy and simply don’t have the time.” should suffice quite nicely. If the woman in question is an entitlement princess, she’ll likely demand an explanation. Hold your ground. When she calls you an asshole, simply agree and amplify: “Yes, my father was an asshole as was my grandfather. My great-grandfather, he was a simple jerk.”

Cupcake might storm off in a mock hissy fit but she’ll come back when she wants something that she knows you enjoy, like some sexy time.

If the request or shit test is delivered electronically, simply ignore it. Let one of her beta orbiters tend to her silly request. Shit tests are definitely ignored.

“No” is part of the cure for NiceGuys(tm) looking to reform their beta ways.

Bad Dating Advice

Courtesy Captain Capitalism, backstory here.

Basically, it’s a letter written by the cousin of a woman who had a date with the Captain many years ago. As he says, note all the typical female pathologies.

My comments are in bold. I haven’t changed the spelling and grammar mistakes.

First, I want to tell you I have this thing about dating. I can predict pretty much anything that a guy is going to do. I guessed within 2 hours of when you’d call Terri. Guys are predictable. Not just you. So to have an advantage you need to be different. I think a lot of guys got bad advise from married guys who have no clue what it is like to date in the 30’s or from a girl that really doesn’t want you to find someone so they can use you as their back up if they can’t find anyone else.
This being said Terri has not told me all that much information. I just pick up on a lot more than people usually say. So do not judge her for what she may have said because I am just picking out the things that can help you. Plus, I have been prompting her for details.

Actually, we get bad advice from women who haven’t acknowledged the realities of the biological imperative in the context of dating and relationships. Instead, men get terrible advice from women spouting the same (and failed) social expectations regarding dating and relationships.

I really hate to see people single. When life is so much more enjoyable with the right person. If my thoughts are unfinished or grammar is incorrect you need to bare with me because I am having contractions that are a little distracting. I am sure it is not the real labor as this baby seems to not want to come out:)

If you hate to see people single, why don’t you just shut up and let single guys who are successful with women do all the advice-giving?

-You date like you are 20. Dating in your 30’s changes/matures. You can take a 20 year old to Applebee’s and it is fine but a 30 year old has had time to eat at nicer restaurants and expects more. I am not saying your choice of a restaurant was cheap just showing an example of what is acceptable. Also, the type of person you date expects different things. A waitress who still lives at home probably is fine with a movie for the first date. A woman that has a career, her own house and is indepedant expects more because they give themselves more and will give you more. I am not just talking money things I am talking taking time to think of good things to do. Taking time to do nice things.

Hypergamous women seek higher status. The guy can certainly do nice and good things, but what does she offer the higher status man in return? Is she respecful, passionate, affectionate and available? If no to any of these questions, she’s going to be a hump and dump.

– Phone conversations are a great way to get to know people. You should only call when you have time to talk. And after a few dates call just to talk.

Giving too much time to a woman results in chumpatude.

-Group dates are for once you have established you do indeed know you like each other and will continue to date.

Group dates? I got nothing on this subject.

-After a first date if you want to ask the girl out again you need to call within 24 hours, best if it within 12 hours the sooner the better in most cases. No likes to wait around and figure out if you like them or not.

More bad advice. Once attraction has been established, making a woman wait only increases the attraction.

-Feedback at the end of the date is good. Like I had fun I’d like to do this again.

Modest feedback is fine. Flattery never works.

-Movie dates are for once you are dating (like a month). You can not get to know someone over a movie. Plus 300 is not a date movie!

Actually, I agree with this one.

-First and second dates should be spent getting to know the person so you will know if it is a waste of time for a 3rd date. Personal things should be talked about. What personal things do you know about Terri after a date and couple phone conversations? In 30’s if marriage is the goal by date 3 deal breakers should be brought up. Like if there is something you are not ever willing to compremise on. Kids, religion etc. Which I think most things you should be willing to compremise on. Since you really can not predict your feelings in 10 years or how you will feel once you are madly in love with this new person.

This isn’t so bad for the marriage-minded and LTR types. But how many guys are not interested in that?

-Don’t imply you have your whole life planned out already. A woman wants to feel like she can be part of the planning if you were to be together. Not just fit into your plan.

If she’s part of the planning, she is seeking control. If you let her establish control, you have lost her respect.

-I am not sure how you are on this one or not but here’s some advise if case. Sleep is something that can be put aside to get to know a girl. Girls love when a guy is willing to stay up getting to know them (over the phone or in person). This is an investment in your future happiness. It should be taken seriously.

Again with the downward spiral into betatude. An alpha man is busy and all the women he communicates with should know this. It makes him more attractive.

-Always offer to pick the girl up at her house/work. Let her be the one that decides that you should meet at the place instead of drive together.

If she decides, you have put yourself in a submissive position. A woman wants the man to make decisions and present the options. No matter what this nattering nincompoop spews forth, woman wants the man to take the lead in dating and relationships.

-Make a lady feel like a lady. I don’t know any woman who are over 30 and single that don’t want to be treated like lady. Open doors, pick them up, walk them to their doors, etc. Like the guys in the romantic movies. Women over 30 who are single have had a lot of time to think about “how” they want a man to treat them.

“Like the guys in romantic movies”… That’s emotional pornography at its worst and any man who uses Hollywood for dating advice is going to find himself living in a life of involuntary celibacy.

-My husband told me about your cheap car. I think it is great but definitely not for dates.

This is actually not half bad advice. A man’s ride is indicative of his outlook on life.

-Practical and cheap are not for dates. They can be brought into a relationship later once you are actually dating but not for dates.

Practical and cheap are perfect for first dates. The focus should be on the people on the date, not the expense. A woman who is put off by practical dates is likely a gold-digger. A woman of quality would not care about the cost of the beverage, she would care about the person who is having the beverage with her.

-The date you have lined up for Thursday sounds bad for a couple reason. It’s like well I am already going to be there so just meet me there. There is no room for the date to go long if you have a commitment right after dinner. It sounds like you are just fitting her into your schedule not opening your schedule for her. Woman do not want to feel like you are fitting them it. I am going to suggest you rethink the date and plan something else. Make it special. With no time limits. You only get a couple chances before a woman makes up her mind and you need to use those dates to your benefit. Make her feel like she is a priority.

All wrong. The woman seeks the man to be the lead in the relationship and that means she is fitting into his life, not the other way around. She only gets a couple of chances before you make up your mind. If you re-arrange your schedule to fit her needs, then you are becoming submissive to her and that will turn her off.

-Dating is work. It does not come naturally to most people. You need to put time and effort into it since a good relationship could last you a life time. And bring you more happiness than everything else on this earth.

This I certainly agree with.

Online Dating… Never Give Out Your Personal Email

While it might seem logical to use personal emails once dating has commenced, it’s actually a bad idea for two reasons:

1. Personal emails are just that, personal. While you might be dating a woman, you might not know if she is batshit crazy. With a personal email address, a batshit crazy girl can wreak havoc on your email account. Use the online dating website as your point of digital contact along with the texts and phone calls. Of course, having a separate cell phone just for dating purposes is also good advice.

2. If using the online dating website as your point of digital contact, you have an excuse to keep logging in to your online dating account. Keep sending out online messages to your regular dating partner via the online dating website and also use the time to check out new, potential dating opportunities. If you get flak for doing this, this means your dating partner is doing the exact same thing and call her out on this.

You’re welcome.

Three Of Four Have Flaked… An Online Shit Test?

Since my last online dating update from a few days ago, the usual flaking has resulted.

Only one woman (out of four) has been escalated to a phone call and the possibility of a date. The others simply stopped corresponding. I see this as a fundamental lack of interest. There could be other reasons for online flaking which I discussed here.

Predictably, the woman who reached out to me (and whom I have found attractive enough to respond) are not flaking and are working up the escalation to a real date.

Naturally, I’m still sending out messages. Online dating is a numbers game.

I have been mulling over another reason for online flaking. It could be a shit test to determine my persistence. I certainly realize that these women are likely corresponding with other guys. I accept this as the basic ground rules in the world of online dating. So perhaps these women are consciously or subconsciously testing my resolve to keep pursuing them. If so, it’s a helluva shit test because the only way to pass (from a man’s point of view) the test is to simply stop the correspondence and move on.

To send follow-up, reminder messages is quite the beta move unless it’s a message filled with supremely alpha text that doesn’t come across as snarky. I need to think about this and test a message or two. Input is appreciated.

I’m Thinking Of Offering A Class… Input Needed

Two days ago I was sitting at my favorite wine bar talking to the owner, Michael, about Game, women, hypergamy, online dating and other subjects near and dear to my heart. Michael and I go back about seven years and I consider him a friend and source of wisdom. He’s in his mid-50s, never married, no kids, and currently single but dates ruthlessly. After we were talking for awhile, he said, “You should offer a class in this stuff.”

I’m a former teacher, computer trainer, and presenter.  Hell, I’ve even done a bit of stand up and improvisational comedy through classes I took a few years ago. Frankly I love teaching and being in front of a crowd.

“Interesting idea” I replied.

“You could market it through Groupon or Living Social.” Michael knows about marketing and promoting because he does it for his wine shop/bar.

“I’ll give that idea some thought.”

Yesterday, I was back over at the wine bar and asked Michael if I could do the classes there. He told me that he often rents out his place for the night so that companies and organizations can do presentations. He also told me that he has a screen for PowerPoint stacks and can shift his wine racks to accompany up to 40 people at a time. Finally, he offered wine as part of the cost of the class because a class there would generate future business for him.

Now things are getting promising and exciting.

All last night I was thinking about how to do this class and what to present in a 90 minute span of time.

My preliminary thoughts:

Target audience: Men over 45 (how to keep the women out of the class so as not to have the possibility of disruption?)

Class length: 90 minutes with a break for smokes, talk, and wine.

Time: 7:30PM to 9:00PM on a weeknight

Location: Michaels’s wine bar (of course) in the Fort Lauderdale area

Class Name: Meeting Women Successfully – For Men Over 45

Cost: Haven’t a clue

Marketing: Groupon, Living Social, word of mouth (anything that’s free)

Class Outline:

1. What you will learn (and what not) and warnings about being politically incorrect

2. My credentials and bona fides.

3. About women

A. What they want (confidence, security, social value)

B. The social expectation and the biological imperative (feminism, female independence, hypergamy!)

C. The rationalization hamster (aspirational lying, “never settle”, etc.)

4. Being the man women are attracted to (overview on looking and sounding confident)

A. Appearance (clothes,  fitness, grooming, etc.)

B. Possessions (home, car, toys, etc.)

C. Presence  (conversation, posture, voice, lifestyle etc.)

D. Social Skills (breaking bad habits, how to practice, etc.)

5. Meeting women

A. Day Game (openings, IOIs, conversation, closing etc)

B. Online Dating (profiles and process)

C. Singles groups and events

D. Other venues (dance classes, civic organizations, set up from friends, etc.)

6. Dating (when, where, how, tips, what not to do, etc.)

7. Long term relationships and marriage…shudder (provide a link to Athol)

8. Further resources (Manosphere links)

9. Questions and answers

So, what I have I missed and what would you recommend I change?

The point of the class is to give men solid information that they can actually use to successfully meet women. I’m also limited to 90 minutes but if it’s going well, it could go longer.

If this does really well, I will offer the classes on a regular basis and maybe offer advance classes. If it makes good money, I will be happy to donate to the big Manosphere blogs.

Conversational Narcissist – Don’t Be This

When on a date, the art (and it is an art) of conversation is supremely vital. To fail at conversation is to fail at Game.

While practicing the art of communication, the end goal is to maintain mystery and build attraction. Talking about yourself – or topics that only relate to you – excessively is the enemy of mystery and attraction.

I posted about this previously and it’s worth repeating:

My advice here is thus – when a man is dating, he should shut up and let the damsel do the talking. Please, keep quiet. Your daring stories of fiduciary acumen are not exciting. Your stories of relationship misery and woe are simply awful. Keep silent, look deeply into her eyes and let her speak.

I recommend this for the following reasons:

1. A quiet man resonates mystery. For all the words not spoken, the woman is forming an internal narrative with the man (you, hopefully) as a key performer. Realistic? Maybe, maybe not. This is the way of women.

2. For every word spoken by the man, the woman is interpreting, analyzing, and looking for a reason to reject him. If you are doing the online dating thing, this is important. While she might love your profile and your photos, the first date is crucial. If you haven’t had sex yet, a woman is looking for reasons to reject you.

This advice also applies to online dating messages. Keep the words to a minimum. Every word is expensive.  Every word is sacred, every word is pure (hat tip to Monty Python). No woman wants three hundred words on why you are the best man ever. Twenty words builds more mystery and women love, love, love mystery. If you can manage it, let her mind do the somersaults to fit you into her life. If you can’t manage it, your words are turned into a knife that is slitting your own throat.

Want more on the subject of conversational narcissism? Read this.

You’re welcome.

Here’s a funny cartoon about conversation…

Game For Smokers

I am a smoker. About a year ago I remembered a some funny lines from a comedian regarding smoking. Since then, I’ve been using these canned lines on women which incorporate my filthy habit into a good opening.

This works when I am sitting next to a woman at a bar or in a small group with a target of opportunity. It’s also excellent practice and a good confidence booster. When I’m going to go outside for a smoke I get my cigarettes in hand and turn to the woman sitting next to me…

Me: “Do you smoke?”

Her: “No, thank you.”

Me: “Do you… want to learn?”

If you’re going to use these lines, raise your eyebrows and ask completely innocently.  Be sure to pause after you say “Do you”. That pause is critical because the “want to learn?” is the punchline and you want to deliver it with the correct timing. She will always laugh and appreciate the humor.

Her: “No, I really don’t smoke.” She’s laughing at this point.

Me: “Come on, all the cool kids are doing it.”

Her (laughing still): “No…”

Me (as I’m turning to leave): “Chicken” or “Well, it’s always polite to offer”

Now I go out to smoke. When I return, she’s usually waiting for me and I’ve opened her for a continuing conversation.

There are a lot of dynamics going on with this very small verbal exchange. I usually come across as funny, confident, and a bit cocky.

On the rare chance she actually does smoke, I invite her out with me where I can continue the chat.

Feel free to use this. It’s been remarkably successful to start conversations with strangers.

Feeding The Rationalization Hamster

When I send a message to a woman on Plenty of Fish or Match, I always include the following postscript:

P.S – Should I not be your preference, I certainly understand. Never settle. No matter how long it takes, you will find that special fellow who makes your heart sing with joy. He’s just around the corner, maybe the very next profile or message you read. I wish you patience and good luck!

Yeah, I know I’m being a bit snide with that paragraph, but I figure that if she won’t respond favorably to me, I would give her hamster enough food so that she won’t respond favorably to anyone.

I’m a jerk, sue me. 😉

To any other online daters in the Manosphere, feel free to use that post script.

Post Navigation