The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “January, 2014”

How To Meet Girls In Cold Weather

I lied.

I don’t know shit about this subject.

I live in south Florida.

But as a big part of this country is chillin’ in the deep freeze, I think it’s important that women and men know how to meet each other even though Mother Nature is seriously trying to kill y’all. I’ve done some preliminary research by asking some single guys in the cold climates. Here’s what I’ve found:

1. Try to meet women before the cold shuts down everything.
2. Use online dating as much as possible and keep your date venues close.
3. If you live in a city, reduce your real-life search geography as much as possible.

That’s all I’ve figured out. I now need the help of my readers. Please, if you have some good ideas how to meet the opposite sex even though the weather heaps contumely upon your heads, input via comments. Oh, and living in such a cold climate sucks donkey balls. Move out.

Gentlemen, Let’s Talk Body Hair And Its Removal

“Manscaping” is a real thing. It gets far more important with age because for many men hair does weird things with age. For example, if you sneeze and your nostril hair comes shooting forth like hirsute fireworks or a disgusting party favor, you have a problem.

Have you seen your ears recently? Of course you haven’t. You’ve got errant hairs there, too. In fact, your body is likely a terrible combination of sasquatch and a porcupine. I empathize. I truly do. The local drug store has some excellent battery-powered devices to help you with nose and ear hair. Buy those devices and use them. They are cheap enough to toss away once the blades get dull.

We will start from the top and move north. The hair on your head likely requires some attention. A good barber will help. If you’re losing your head dome hair, give serious consideration to a buzz cut or shaving it off. Bald is in. If you even think about a comb-over, have a good friend slap you hard in the face. Twice. If you are blessed to have a full head of hair (I hate you for that, by the way), get a good haircut. The 70s, 80s, and 90s are well behind us so you new hairstyle should reflect modern styling but is age appropriate. If you’re over 40, a metrosexual hairstyle will get you another two slaps to the face.

Moving south, let’s address your neck and facial hair. The back of your neck will need attention. You’d be surprised at how much that neck hair can grow. The tough part is fixing it. Your barber can tend to it nicely but there might be some routine maintenance required. This is where you need some tools of the trade and a close female friend come in handy. Since your hair is tough, the standard drug store hair trimming tools are mostly not up the task. Go to a Sally beauty supply store and invest in a professional quality hair trimmer. It’s not cheap. Expect to pay at least $70. Thankfully, you can buy new blades.

A beard is a cool thing to have. While women might claim to hate facial hair, those are only words. Wear your beard with pride. Do bear in the mind that even facial hair must come in moderation. ZZ Top and the Duck Dynasty crew can happily sport full beards because they have other attributes to make up for their long facial hair. You don’t have those attributes. Keep the facial hair trimmed and neat.

As we continue to move south, it’s time to address a part of a man’s body that requires the most manscaping, the back. Because I live on the beach, being shirtless is common. A hairy back is not pleasant. Worse, it’s hard for a man to tend to his back hair conveniently. There are some products to help and but a good back back trim and shave really does require a second person. That hair trimmer from Sally can be just as effective on the back as it is on the head. Using a razor takes all the hair off but can be considered optional, if a bit itchy.

There are professional solutions to dealing with the back hair. Laser treatment and waxing are available. As I’ve not well researched these two options so I will let my readers do their own research. I will say that waxing is a painful option. I tried it. I won’t try it again.

As for chest hair, knock it back. You needn’t shave it off, just keep it under control. This you can do yourself with that professional hair trimmer and one of the guards or adjustments to the blade depth. Technically speaking, back and chest hair is fur. Once it grows to a certain length, it stops growing. You’re not a sheep requiring regular shearing. But still, chest hair and back hair can get unweildy as a man gets older.

Moving further south, things get rather awkward. It’s time to talk pubic hair. Here in south Florida, men trim and shave “down there”. Yup, we’re talking shaving you’re twig and berries. Some years ago, the good folks at Norelco actually started an ad campaign promoting the “optical inch”. That’s the extra bit of penile visibility when the pubic hair is shaved off. Yes, it is possible to use a regular razor once the pubic hair has been trimmed back with the clippers. There’s an added bonus to shaved pubes as reported by several women I know. There are no extraneous hairs to complicate oral sex.

Once the initial manscaping has been accomplished, regular maintenance is required. If you’ve shaved your own head, continue to do so or see the barber if your hair is fuller. Beard maintenance is not that hard. A good scissors and the trimmer will help. Watch the mustache length. Pubic and chest hair can be handled regularly. Only the back hair presents the most challenge. With creative use of dual mirrors and a back shaver, maintenance can be done on your own. It’s not easy.

For you young guys reading this, I’m sure you’re scratching your heads and then dreading the impending body hair of doom. Don’t fret too much because it can be dealt with.

Self-Righteousness Is Repellant

Have you ever sat next to a guy in a bar who immediately starts spouting off about politics? He’s usually in extreme waters regarding his views. Worse, he comes across as a know-it-all about everything even remotely related to his ideology. On your other side is a guy so into evangelizing his enthusiasms (fitness, diet, some weird philosophy) that it’s clear he has no depth. He can’t even talk about music or sports. Both these guys simply lack manners and the ability to converse normally.

All you wanted to do was enjoy a beer and watch the game. Maybe you were at the bar to practice your Charisma. Now these two blowhards are harshing your mellow. You want to be well rid of these assholes and soon because that cute bartender has been smiling at you.. This is what self-righteousness does. It repels people. It’s not a sign of confidence.

Imagine a woman in a social situation and you’re that blowhard going on and on and on in her ear. You think you’re having a good conversation, even if you’re monopolizing it. She’s thinking of an interruption where she can excuse herself. You think you’re being confident but you’ve never even attempted to flirt. She might even find you physically appealing but your self-righteousness is making you ugly.

I find that too many middle age guys wallow in self-righteousness. They get into a conversational rut that makes it almost impossible for them to flirt or to be charismatic. Even younger guys can fall into this bad pattern of communicating. This is what happens to nerds who only have one or two topics to talk about. This includes sports nerds.

A man must be well-rounded, intelligent, and thoughtful. Self-righteousness is the mortal enemy of those three things. Fortunately, there is an easy fix. Listen to what you talk about. If you’re consistently talking about only one or two things and evangelizing all the time, you must fix you’re conversational style. This applies to all conversations, regardless of whom you’re speaking with. Are you smugly correcting anyone who might have another opinion about something? You definitely must fix that because you’re asshole for doing that.

The best fix is to have some serious intellectual curiosity and then educating yourself on a variety of subjects. This provides additional topics for you to talk. What, you think everyone wants to hear about the paleo diet? If you’re talking to a guy, ask him some questions out of genuine curiosity, not like salesman asks questions. If you’re talking with a woman you’re attracted to, then it’s time to apply that charisma you’ve been working on.

Another good fix is simply talking less, even if you’re very passionate about the topic being discussed. This applies well when you’re talking with a woman. One of the rules of charisma is to maintain some mystery. Being taciturn is the key here.

Good conversational skills are absolutely critical to being perceived well. It will help you be more attractive to women, certainly. But it will also helps in many other areas in your life. Good conversational skills are a large subset of good social skills.

Attention South Florida Readers!

If you’re reading this and live in Miami-Dade, Broward, or Palm Beach counties. I want you.

I’ll be more specific.  After almost three years of blogging, I’m sure there are more than a few locals who read my words. I want you to introduce yourselves. Email me (emailtheprivateman at gmail) or post up a comment. Of course I’ll respect your anonymity if you request it. The reason I want to know about my local readers is because I want to do some informal face-to-face networking. And my ugly dog needs the attention.

Very recently, a guy here in Lauderdale-by-the-Sea was going door to door stumping for votes (an uncontested commission seat) and also spreading the word about community events here in town. One of Eric’s side projects is a non-profit organization that organizes various local events such as Latin ballroom dance lessons at a function room at town hall. When I spoke with him, I found his energy and enthusiasm for his volunteering to be infectious. Naturally, I offered to do a free dating class.

When I told him of my blog and the readership, he was impressed. Since I want to help this guy it’s time to reach out to my local readers. It’s strictly a local, volunteer, non-profit deal but could result in some better things down the road.  I do have serious respect and appreciation for all my readers and commenters regardless of their geographical location.

It’s just time to get the local readers more connected. Don’t worry, I’ll still be blogging about attraction and dating with knowledge and wisdom applicable to all singles challenged with post-divorce dating.

OK, you locals… start emailing and commenting.

I’m Mulling Over A Crowdfunding Idea…

Crowdfunding represents a good opportunity for launching a business with small investments. My recent medical costs (despite health insurance) hit me pretty hard and sucked out all my bootstrapping funds. I’m not letting that deter me. I’m passionate about what I’m doing here so I’m moving ahead once again with a different tactic. The strategy remains the same.

I’m looking to recharge my business of offering live and fun classes and events for post-divorce men and women to help them realize their relationship goals. This means teaching them the (sometimes uncomfortable) truths about attraction and dating. I’ve already done one class with great success. My regular readers already know this.

I’d like to do a whole bunch more classes/events here in the south Florida market and beyond. This requires serious marketing and that doesn’t come cheap. I am not a marketing person nor do I want to be one. I’m the guy in front of the audience making people laugh and helping them learn the truth about attraction and dating. I’m extremely good in front of an audience with lots of experience. I need to hire a freelance marketing person. There are also some other expenses but compared to marketing (that includes advertising), those are minor. I need to get some better video equipment, a fancy projection monitor, a screen, and some other things.

This is not a one-on-one coaching business but individual clients can be accepted. The problem with one-on-one coaching is that there are a finite number of hours in a day and that limits business growth. Classes are much more scalable, from small groups to large halls. Also, classes can be held in other cities with other instructors/entertainers because the curriculum is consistent. The target market is both men and women so clearly this is not a “pick up artistry” bootcamp for young men. I want people to laugh and learn in a live environment to help them with this whole Dating 2.0 thing.

The business website has been up and running for awhile – However, I will be rebranding the business to Dating 2.0 (The URL will be I got sidetracked for several months but it looks like I’ll live so it’s time to move ahead with previous plans. The return for the small investments will be free copies of the first book (in progress) and two free seats to any class at any time or free access to any premium videos or paid webinars I might produce.

Please note that I want to focus on live events. We’re all so gung ho on making money from the Internet we forget that attraction and dating happens out there in the real world.  This is why singles events are becoming so popular. Such events are an opportunity for people to actually see and interact with each other in person.  Singles need to move away from the computer screens, passively watching dating advice videos or webinars.  Yes, I will be partnering with local meetup singles groups. They are always looking for fun live events and I’m just the guy for that.

My readers are a bright and savvy bunch so your feedback is especially welcome. If an individual investor wants to get involved on a more formal basis, email me so we can talk further.

Donation Time!

I’ve only pushed for donations once before. It’s time again. While I do have medical insurance, there are many costs which that are not covered and it’s getting rather expensive. Also, my transportation costs are way up because I can’t drive. My still awful depth perception means I am unsafe behind the wheel or handlebars.

I’m asking readers to donate (donate button on right) again. A donation of any size is welcome and will help keep me going and focused on reading, blogging, and Tweeting rather than my cancer. When readers are actively donating, it’s a huge motivator for me. Thanks in advance!

Long Commentary On Red Pill Understanding Of Attraction

I spend way too much time reading stuff on the Internet. I read dating blogs, feminist blogs, Manosphere blogs, all of it. I’ve been involved in Reddit ( for a few months now and found an excellent comment on another subreddit (in response to another comment). This guy is an excellent example of how a man can improve himself.

I had always been the kind of guy to believe that just being a good person and treating women nicely was enough to attract them. I had a horrible time with women. When I got a girlfriend who stuck with me for awhile I clung to her, proposed, married her, and had a horrible 9 year marriage, the whole time trying harder and harder to please her. She ended up cheating on me with my best friend. I left her shortly after finding out.

I was determined to understand how to attract quality women better. I don’t mean easy lays; I mean the cream of the crop: smart, attractive, funny, friendly, loving, competent, charming. I read a ton of books on the subject and it was all gimmicks. Nothing actually explained why women were different from men and what actually attracts them. Certainly they aren’t attracted to men in the same way that men are attracted to women. That was very apparent to me for a long time, and is obvious throughout nature (sexual dimorphism).

Then I read a few scientific books on the matter: Sperm Wars (Robin Baker), The Mating Mind (Geoffrey Miller), and Red Queen (Matt Ridley). It all started falling into place. Having read The Selfish Gene and being knowledgeable in system dynamics and game theory, I understood the natural selection pressures that make our attractions different. But this still didn’t give me insight into how to attract higher quality women.

When researching more books of the like I found these above books common on reading lists for something called PUAs. (This was 2005. I had no idea what it was.) In particular, these lists seemed related to somebody called David DeAngelo who had an ebook called “Double Your Dating”. OK, sounded like more of the earlier self-help crap I ran into, but the link to these books I had already read had me intrigued. I got his ebook and loved it, then got his Advanced Dating Series (audio) (and later Mastery Series).

Wow. Everything clicked into place. While the goal was about improved dating, David kept re-focusing everybody back again and again to it being about improving yourself as a man and becoming the type of man who attracted women. Not by being fake, but by becoming a better person. Being better includes treating women in ways they actually like and respond to. “Being yourself” is an empty yet common statement since we aren’t static. We all change and you can change for the better by better understanding how things work, whether philosophy, politics, social well-being, and relationships. And I did just that.

I began to experiment. I became more playful, more teasing, more mysterious. Some were great, some failed miserably, but all were educational. I remember one experiment where I was out with a bunch of friends in a pub as we did every week or two, and I just brought along a candy sucker. I had it in my mouth all evening. I’d take it out to sip beer and talk, then put it back in. I never said a word about it or acted like it was out of the ordinary. I had women coming up to me asking about it, including the cute bartender we saw every week who had never said much to me before. Now we had a great conversation.

I learned sexual banter and witty remarks, and why women actually like this. I also learned signals for when they don’t like it. In fact, I learned about hidden signals in general (hair flipping, touching necks, smiles, looks, stances, and so on). I got really good at it.

See, courtship isn’t not a job interview with a resume. It is a dance. That means knowing how to lead, follow, and read cues and respond accordingly. And none of these signals can be blatant or obvious or they lose all value as evaluation proxy signals for mating value. That’s a key point of sexual selection.

And I read a lot of other PUA material like Mystery, Style (Neil Strauss, author of The Game), and a few others. They were fine but they only touched on the why basics and then focused on the gimmick techniques too much with too little about it being part of becoming a better man. I did like Mystery’s 9-stage diagramming system as a means to keep it organized in my mind, as I am a visual person with an expertise in system behaviour, so these diagrams are helpful.

Did it get me laid? Sure. But quite the opposite of what the above comment suggests. Because I got better at being an attractive man, I was able to attract higher quality women, not lower quality women. When learning to dance you’ll only get low quality partners. As you improve in your dance you can move up to the top quality ones.

And I did. Within a year and a half I was dating one of the nicest women I had ever met who also happened to be a model and one of the most gorgeous I had know. Never in my life did I believe that could happen. She took my breath away and we got serious for awhile. After a few months it didn’t work out for unrelated reasons, but it was a great time.

Shortly thereafter I met my dream girl. She was gorgeous, friendly, intelligent, charming, funny, and perfect in every way I could imagine. What’s better is how we met. We started discussing dating online months before I met her. I talked to her at great length about all of the things in the PUA material. After meeting, I even listened to David DeAngelos material with her and got her to read Mystery’s ebook. She agreed with most of what they said. She absolutely loved discussing this material and how it can help men become better at dating.

That was in 2007. A week from today will be our 5th wedding anniversary and we have two young children. I am still deeply in love with her (and vice versa) and she is still my dream girl. And we still like to talk about dating and courtship and this material. (We still refer to things as DLV and DHV – Demonstration of Lower/Higher Value, as per Mystery’s system.)

And I still use it with her. When things start seeming a little stale in our marriage, I re-learn some of that material. Things like how women like mystery and surprise, and having the man make the arrangements. (One early epiphany for me was when David D said that women tend to prefer to be in a restaurant they don’t like eating food they don’t like but the man made the arrangements and surprised her, than to be in her favorite restaurant eating her favorite food but she had to tell him what to do, or worse, to make the arrangements herself.)

So this is why I think the above comment is mostly wrong. I am a better person now. I am more attractive to women in general and my wife specifically. I increased the quality of woman I attracted, not lowered. I found high-quality girlfriends, not just one-night stands, and a wife. And women, knowing all of this, are not “laughing their asses off” at me. In fact, it is a bigger attractor. I feel more confident, I understand more, and perhaps most importantly I can better communicate with, understand, and keep my wife interested and happy. None of this would be possible hand I just kept thinking the same way I used to even though I was kind, empathetic, and a genuine person then. I am still a kind, empathetic, and genuine person.

Does TheRedPill have good info in this respect? I can’t tell since I don’t subscribe to it. I’ve looked briefly and it’s stated goal of being better men seems appropriate, and there is some good material in there, but of course some cheap, sexist material mixed in and at least occasionally too much “I’m a better alpha than you” type competitions. That’s why David D had to keep reminding everyone about the importance of the goal of being a better man. (The “inner game”, as he’d call it, vs the “outer game” which is skills.) However, in general, PUA material has plenty of good stuff if you keep the goal in mind and interpret it in that context. I do highly recommend David D, at least the Advance Dating Series and Mastery Series.

This doesn’t mean I think the above comment is a complete failure. If your goal is to become a better man with women in general, as I have, then I think the comment is wrong, particularly if you keep that goal in mind as you read and review PUA material.

If your goal is to just get cheap lays, then obviously the above comment fails since the criticisms is actually your goal.

Where the above comment may have value is if your goal is to become a better person and attract higher quality women, but you ignore those aspects of PUA material, focus on the techniques, and apply them in a disingenuous manner. Then they will laugh at you. But the solution is use the material to become a better man. You can be kind, empathetic, and genuine and sill very lousy at attracting women, as many friendzoned men are. You want to be those things and be good at the “dance” of courtship.

That will mean so much more than being a lonely, but good person, or settling for whatever woman you manage to get by fumbling through bad courtship. I did that for 9 years and it sucked. Learning how to attract quality women is one of the best things you could ever do to improve your life. At our wedding I said in my speech that I wasn’t lucky to have found my wife because luck had nothing to do with it. I simply kept my standards as high as possible and it was inevitable that I’d marry the only woman who could meet them. That sounds like line, but I actually meant it seriously. She is the highest quality woman I’ve ever met, and I’d never have married her if I followed the above comment advice.

Post Navigation