The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “November, 2012”

One A Day – A Social Exercise For Men

There is a mantra amongst those teaching and practicing the Venusian arts – approach women, approach women, approach women. I also believe that’s an absolutely vital strategy for meeting and becoming more comfortable when interacting with women. But it requires vast confidence and smooth social skills (links below) to be an approach honey badger. Too many men simply don’t have that confidence and those social skills.

There is a growing cultural pathology that affects men quite deeply. It’s social isolation (link below) where a single man, outside of work retreats to his home, his television, his Internet connection, his gaming console and doesn’t deal with people face to face. He might interact digitally with people ’round the ‘Net but this really doesn’t count. The crucial direct interaction is missing. There are no gestures and other physical indicators of human-to-human communication to respond to.

Rather than urging men to approach women, I have a more modest exercise for single men to undertake – meet one new person every day. This doesn’t mean a quick hello or meaningless “How’re ya doing?”. It means actually exchanging names, handshake optional. For guys unaccustomed to this, it will initially feel awkward as hell. But after a few times, meeting someone new will feel more natural. Of course, there might be some awkward moments yet they will pass and will ultimately be forgotten.

Of course, meeting someone new every day requires getting out and about. It means actually changing the day-to-day routine in order to actually be around more people (link below). One of the best ways to meet new people is to go shopping, especially for clothes, accessories, and shoes. The salespeople are supposed to be friendly and helpful. A quick “What’s your name?” followed by your own introduction works well. Just move to the business of shopping with the help of the salesperson so that it’s clear the interaction is about the merchandise, not poker invitation. But any social interaction is an opportunity to meet someone new, regardless of gender.

This exercise was the idea of a friend and colleague and he has actually started doing this. I am encouraging to start a blog about his efforts so that he can serve as a possible example of how this exercise plays out. I’ve already got the Phat Guy (link below) blogging more about physical fitness. My colleague’s blog will be about social fitness.

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The Confidence Sub-Routine Expanded

Succeed Socially

Social Isolation

Run Your Errands Alone

Phat Guy Fitness

Oh, Another Hater Comment!

The vast majority of my commenters are thoughtful and intelligent people. Yeah, even Danny with his hockey helmet and fat crayons (link below). I do, however receive comments that bring on da hate. Sometimes, they are so good that they turn in blog posts (link below).

Another such comment has recently rolled in and I’m more than happy to give it a thorough fisking. The comment is in response to my post “Reader Mailbag – The 30Something Single Professional Woman” (link below).

[From the post:]”Cupcake, you can’t compete with men. Men always win. We’re stronger, more intelligent, far more patient, and willing to take the kinds of risks that women would never even conceive of.”

Hmm. Any idea how offensive this is? Women are strong and intelligent and patient and willing to take risks too. I’m thinking that such comparisons are only accurate in a person to person basis, and not as gender generalizations.

Offensive? You’re on a Manosphere blog and you want to shut down the discussion because you’re offended? Unless you’re the CEO of WordPress threatening to shut me down, your being offended means absolutely nothing. Hell, if you saw me in person and told me you were offended, nothing would change. Guess what, my quote is the truth. You didn’t refute it, you just claimed to be offended. Also, generalizations work. Finding patterns and commonality is fundamental to the expansion of knowledge. Telling people to stop generalizing is telling them to be ignorant.

For the record, I didn’t say that women weren’t strong, intelligent, patient, and not willing to take risks. I just said that men are a great deal more of those things.

It seems from this article that the author believes men don’t want partners. They want doormats and servants. Is a partner really so threatening to your manhood?

Men do want partners, but not in the politically correct, ideologically driven, contemporary definition of the word. See Athol Kay (link below) for the healthiest and most realistic way to approach a committed relationship between a man and a woman. It’s called the Captain/First Mate arrangement and it reflects the reality of biology. Biology. Always. Wins.

“Doormats and servants?” The strawman logical fallacy is strong in you. “Threatening your manhood”? Really? You do realize that this is simply shaming language in order to stifle the message. Actually, you probably don’t realize this. You’re too intellectually weak. Just step away from your keyboard, you’re dumbing down the Internet.

I don’t let such comments leave moderation, that is my blog policy.

Danny from 504

Reader Mailbag – The 30Something Single Professional Woman

Married Man Sex Life

Shoot Your Television, Be Prudent With Your Internet

[Irony update, 3:14 today… Suzanne Venker, the author of The war on men, is appearing on Fox and Friends, this Wednesday at 6:20AM eastern time. Why the irony and this blog post? She’s mentioning the Manosphere… on television

Further update, 3:29 today… Suzanne Venker’s appearance is only about five to six minutes in length. That’s not a lot of time and she has a book to pitch. If no mention of the ‘Sphere, it’s not purposeful]

Way back in the day, there was a counter-culture call to “shoot your TV”. Though I still believe that the youth movement of the 1960s did more to screw up our society than the Cold War, some of messages from our unwashed, drug-addled historical brethren were actually quite valuable. Like the pot-smoking morons of the past, I also urge you to shoot your television. (Note – I am not a pot-smoking moron.) I don’t mean that metaphorically. Find a firearm and find a safe place for some well-aimed kill shots. Guns are cool and a dead TV is even more so.

The problem with your television is that it’s the vehicle from which all things culturally putrid emanate. All that HD stuff is shit dreamed up by “creatives” who are more concerned with advertising and subscription sales. I will begrudging admit that there is some compelling programming but if you want to watch something like “Breaking Bad” via Netflix.

The vast majority of television advertising is aimed directly at women for they are the one’s who control the household purse strings and are far more apt to purchase something because it “feels good”. Men purchase for a direct need or to support his enthusiasm. Of course, a fine new shotgun or hand tool does feel good but both serve a distinct purpose.

Television programming serves to create and reinforce the demented social expectations that generally pushes an ideological agenda that is ruining relationships. It’s capitalism-based social engineering so that goods and services are bought and sold in ever-increasing amounts. A Lifetime channel romantic comedy can serve to increase Valentine’s Day gifts and cards. However, in the process, unrealistic expectations of romance are created.

Fellow Manosphere blogger, Dr. Illusion, backs me up on this with a fine blog post (link below). Actually, he’s got a damned fine blog that needs to go on my blog roll – which is not up to date and yes, that’s on my to-do list. That’s one of the greatest things about the Manosphere, its readers know just how horrible the mainstream media is.

Television and the mainstream media (and this includes parts of the Internet) is in the business of making money regardless of the impact on our culture. As I am finely attuned to social expectations regarding dating and relationships, I see the damage that the mainstream media inflicts. “Why doesn’t he give me flowers?” bemoans some romance-soaked girl bathed in ridiculous social expectations. The question to her is “Why do you expect him to give you flowers?” We all know the answer to that question.

Just shoot your television. I recommend .223 rounds for a long-range or bird shot at closer range.

Dr. Illusion Took Some Time Off

Spring Break, 2013 – Reminder

I’ll be regularly reminding my readers about this event. There is certainly some interest and I’d like that to grow.

I don’t make a secret of where I live (the ZIP code is 33308) and it’s also no secret that where I live is very close to the epicenter of college Spring Break. As a man over a certain again, Spring Break holds only limited appeal to me. Yes, I will definitely ogle young women if they are out and about. No, I will not approach them because I would likely get the “C” word applied to me.

Spring Break provides an interesting opportunity for a Manosphere event. The younger guys can hit Fort Lauderdale beach to use their Charisma while the older guys can plot and scheme world domination. But there are opportunities for all ages.

I am proposing a meetup, March 9-11, 2013. All are welcome. If enough folks show up, I’ll make it organized. If only a few, it will be rather informal. For those in the northern climes, a visit to South Florida will be a great change of weather.

I’ve got a page about this (link below) and if you’re interested, drop a comment or two. There are scads of small hotels in these parts and the beach is incredibly convenient. As well, there is no need to rent a car or use a car. Flights should be to Fort Lauderdale, not Miami.

There are times when the Manosphere needs to meet up and actually see each other. Spring Break is a fine opportunity for this. Besides, for all the wisdom I have dispensed, y’all owe me drinks.

Spring Break, 2013

I Need To Keep Track Of My Posts

Almost a year ago I posted “Helpful Hint For A Woman’s Online Dating Profile” (link below). This was in response to a comments I was having with dating coach Bobbi Palmer (link below) back in July, 2010 on her blog. She posted our correspondence on (link below)

That one post of mine has resulted in the highest number of page views at over 21,000. The next highest is Awful Profiles by Women (link below) at just over 19,000. Coming in a very distant third is Online Profile Codewords Used By Bossy and Domineering Women at only 5,800 page views.

I then did a search for the phrase “Top 10 Reasons Why I Would Be Your Best Girlfriend Ever”, a phrase inside my original blog post. Google found 47,000 results. Most of those results are from world online dating profiles, many using the exact same text from my blog post. I looked at some of the profiles and they mostly seemed legitimate.

That blog post still yields high page views for me. Based on the Google search and my continued page views that post, it seems that women are actually looking for Red Pill advice regarding online dating. I see this as a good sign in that a select group of women are looking outside the usual ideologically driven, politically correct, blue pill dating and online profile advice.

Helpful Hint For A Woman’s Online Dating Profile

Date Like a Grownup

How To Write an Online Profile: A Man’s Tips for Women

Awful Profiles by Women

Online Profile Codewords Used By Bossy and Domineering Women

New Manosphere Term – Lapdogging

The guys over at 3rd Millenium Men (link below) posted something about the whole Alpa/Beta thing. In that post, they linked to another blog, insideawomansmind (link below). That blogger created a new verb that is extremely germane to the Manosphere – “lapdogging”.

Lapdogging is a series of behaviors used by men who supplicate themselves to women in an obsequious manner. It’s not white-knighting, it’s far, far worse. As the blog’s author writes:

I tried to explain myself – with a shot or two in my bloodstream – that it is most -surely- possible to be too nice. It has nothing to do with women wanting male chauvinists or hardcore criminals. But there’s a -major- difference between;

‘Is there anything I can get you?’


‘Is there anything I can get you? No? Are you sure? Coffee? A sweater for your shoulders? … No? But … Something to drink? No? … Alright.’

There is -nothing- worse in this world than a man lapdogging on you. And the latter is absolutely lapdogging, much too nice, and makes my respect for the man drop to below zero.

So, there it is, “lapdogging”. It goes right along with uxorious (link below). As an aside, I tend to avoid the alpha and beta monikers because it smacks of old-school pickup artistry (PUA) and not the more sophisticated approach to a man’s lifestyle improvements.

Manosphere: Alpha v Beta

Nice – and too nice.

New Manosphere Word

The Pain Of “Be Nice, Be Yourself”

Yesterday’s post, A Man Reveals His Anger (link below), linked to an incredible blog post by M3. The subsequent comments revealed an interesting discussion. Once again, commenter Deti showed his absolute brilliance when responding to a comment from Spacetraveller. (She has her blog and it’s worth checking out – link below).

“So in a post such as M3′s, how *should* a woman react without coming across as patronizing to you?”

Don’t say you know how he feels. You don’t, and you never will. You have absolutely no idea how incredibly painful, frustrated, hopeless and full of rage he felt.

This is more than just about the end of a relationship or a marriage. He knows damn well that the girl he loved didn’t love him back. He knows damn well that another man she finds more attractive is fucking her right now. He knows damn well that she has rejected him for what she believes is a better man than he is.

He also knows damn well this is about the 14th time this has happened to him, and he cannot figure out why. He was nice. He did whatever she asked him to do. He put up with her. He gave her what she wanted. He was polite and kind. And it still wasn’t enough. It would never, ever be enough.

He knows that she assessed him, evaluated him, JUDGED him, and threw him away. He knows that she was secretly making him compete with other men. He knows damn well she put him in the scales and found him wanting. He knows damn well the unforgiving binary zero sum game of this SMP [Sexual Market Place]. In this arena you’re either a rare winner or a common, dime-a-dozen loser, and right now, she has deemed him a loser.

Don’t say she was a bitch. He knows that already.

Don’t say he’ll find someone better. He doesn’t believe that, and if he doesn’t have the skills to stop being “nice” and “being himself” and doing what drove the last one away, he will repeat the same mistakes over and over again.

Just say that you’re sorry he is hurting.

Reading all the comments in that post is worth the time. Also here is my own experience with the whole “be nice, be yourself” experience:

Mom Was Wrong – A Personal Narrative

A Man Reveals His Anger

Spacetravellers Blog


A Man Reveals His Anger

12 years is a long time. 12 years without any intimate physical contact from another human being can shred a man’s soul and utterly demolish his emotional well-being. Men desire sexuality and the accompanying physical intimacy. Without it, a man’s mind can warp itself into the foul shapes of depression and rage. Fellow blogger, M3, went through those 12 years and his story will become required reading in the Manosphere.

Before I give the link, read this quote from Badger to help set the tone of M3’s story.

Women never seem to understand that sexual access is the highest, most direct assignment of value they can give a man – they think they are complimenting men when they tell them “you’re a great guy and you’ll make some woman really lucky someday! Those badboys I sleep with are just short-term flings, I’m not serious about them.”

Fuck that noise. It also puts the lie to the conventional wisdom that sex is REALLY REALLY DEEP and IMPORTANT to women, and they won’t give it away except to a guy they think is a really good match.

The link is below. You simply must read every word of his long blog post. It’s one of the most searingly honest accounts of what a very long period of involuntary celibacy can do to a man. I know a lot of women read my blog and many will squirm and wince as they read M3’s story. You should be squirming and wincing. This should be your call to fight the lies and confront other women for their duplicity and selfish malice. And for you mothers and fathers with sons… teach them the fucking truth.

Confessions of a Reformed InCel (“InCel” refers to involuntary celibacy)

I Like Trinidad And Tobago – International Men’s Day

Ironically, I’ve never been there. No doubt it’s a cool place because I do know that the country has a righteously fun carnivale. I am not praising the place for outrageous costumes and a Caribbean beat. I am praising the place because of International Men’s Day (link below), which is tomorrow, November 19.

International Men’s Day (wiki link below) was resurrected from obscurity by resident of Trinidad and Tobago, Dr. Jerome Teelucksingh, back in 1999. From there, this day of recognition has spread quietly to many different countries, including here in the United States. Even in Denmark – Roosh is laughing – men have formed a group to celebrate the day.

When you wake up tomorrow, know that there is indeed a day to recognize men. I’ll be tweeting tomorrow (@man_private) some bits of information about International Men’s Day and positive things about men in general. As a man, I salute other men for their accomplishments. Carry on!

Internation Men’s Day

Internation Men’s Day – Wikipedia

The Placeholder Relationship

A particularly unhappy Reddit post (link below) brought out a host of men describing the “placeholder” relationship. This is a relationship where a man gets involved with a woman, spends his time and resources helping her and then she bails out when she finds herself with another man, or safely in school, or at a more stable job. Basically, the man serves as a place holder in the woman’s life until something better – not necessarily a man, but usually – comes along.

The placeholder relationship is the result of two things – the white knight impulse and naiveté about selfish women. The impulse to help is strong in men. That impulse can be too easily exploited. Men must be keenly aware of just how much they are helping.

The big red flag is the lack of reciprocity in her actual efforts to the problem at hand. Sure the sex might be great but if she’s not helping herself with the problem and relying on the man too much, it stinks of placeholder relationship and outright exploitation.

Another red flag is her ability to organize outside help such as friends and family. If the man is her sole source of help, that speaks to anti-social behaviors such as selfishness and possibly narcissism (Cluster B! link below). A resourceful girl is instantly recognizable and that quality is a very good thing. She has a support network and isn’t too proud to ask them for help.

There are two solutions for avoiding the placeholder relationship –

1. You do the placeholding. While caddish, it does serve to keep your heart intact until you can be absolutely sure of the woman you are seeing.

2. Test her by not white knighting her. If she bolts when you (politely) decline to help all the time, then you’ve figured out her ulterior motive even if she might not be fully aware of her own ulterior motive.

Some will argue that all relationships between men and women are merely placeholder relationships. I can certainly see the validly of that given both genders financial independence and no-fault divorce. But the single life holds little appeal for so many that a coupled-up lifestyle is the ongoing social trend.

Reddit Post

The Clusters – A Warning For Men

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