The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “August, 2012”

25 Things About Me

Y’all don’t be afraid to be click on that donate button. Since I’m pretty much public now, here’s more about me:

  • Why yes, I am a self-centered, egotistical bastard. Now that that’s out of the way, feel free to keep reading.
  • I’ve been around the world. In my youth I bought a round-the-world plane ticket and spent a couple of months bumming around Asia with my brother and then flew on to England where I attended university for a year.
  • My high school diploma is from a snooty New England private school.
  • For six months, a 28-foot sailboat was home for me, a wife, and a cat.
  • Heights terrify me. It’s really bad. Don’t get me started on large insects. Shudder.
  • I have malaria but haven’t had an attack in a few years.
  • Car? What car? My motorcycle has 120K miles on it. (2004 Suzuki V-Strom 650)
  • TV? What TV? All Internet, all the time.
  • There are scars on my body from injuries while working as a roughneck on an oil drilling rig in the United Arab Emirates.
  • The FriendZone® – while in high school, I explored all of it. It’s a bleak and soulless place.
  • My degree? BA in Geography so don’t tell me to get lost, I can’t.
  • Well, I do get lost in shopping malls. It’s embarrassing.
  • There’s a piece of paper in my desk that certifies me to teach high school in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. It’s legit.
  • “…one giant leap for mankind.” I saw that on live TV. But I was really young at the time.
  • The winter air pollution in Santiago, Chile is awful. My boogers were black for months.
  • There are four huge regrets in my life, three of them involve the hearts of three women.
  • In 1983, there was a factory in China that still manufactured steam locomotives. The tour was awesome. It was like being in Vulcan’s workshop.
  • Since I was 18, I’ve had over 30 separate mailing addresses.
  • So far, an honest fist fight has eluded me in life. Relax, I’m not looking for one.
  • One brother, one step-brother, two step-sisters.
  • Other than heights and huge insects, I’m not really scared of anything. Yes, that includes death.
  • It’s likely obvious to my readers that I don’t have kids.
  • 260 lbs at my heaviest four years ago, 190 lbs now. It was a lifestyle change.
  • On a weird weekend, a school friend and I went into the outback to hunt kangaroos. I wasn’t a good shot. He was a good shot but the kangaroos were too fast.

(I may or may not answer questions in the comments… it depends on the questions.)

[Tempt me to write more about myself]

You Know You’ve Taken The Red Pill When…

You automatically observe social interactions between men and women and instantly determine his frame and her femininity.

If you’re single, you’re spinning at least three plates.

When a girl flakes on you, there is absolutely no emotional reaction on your part.

You’ve been called a misogynist at least once a month, probably more often.

When a girl rejects you, there is absolutely no emotional reaction on your part.

Your clothes are better than every other man in the immediate vicinity.

This is a consistent scenario with your wife or girlfriend:

You: We’re going to the steakhouse on Saturday night. I already made reservations.

Her: But we always go to the steakhouse!

[You know full well that it’s been six months since you two went to the steakhouse. You also know that this is a minor-league shit test and won’t engage her with any kind of comeback.]

You: Wear that red dress I like so much.

Her: What time are the reservations?

You never ask a date where she wants to go.

You memorized both the 16 Commandments of Poon and the nine Iron Rules of Tomassi.

You think before you speak.

When the news reports that a famous guy going through a divorce is accused of physically assaulting his kids or his soon-to-be ex, you know exactly what’s going on.

You have a new group of friends and they look up to you.

Any feminist you know claims she hates you but she always manages to show sexual interest in you.

Instead of watching TV, you read at least five Manosphere blogs daily.

OK my hoard of craven incredibly smart and perceptive blog readers, add your own with a pithy comment…

The Clusters – A Warning For Men

If you’re not familiar with the clusters, these are certain behaviors that are not quite mental illnesses but pretty darn close for any man who has witnessed the associated behaviors. Here’s the summary from Wikipedia (link below).

Cluster A (odd or eccentric disorders)

  • Paranoid personality disorder: characterized by irrational suspicions and mistrust of others.
  • Schizoid personality disorder: lack of interest in social relationships, seeing no point in sharing time with others, anhedonia [great word!], introspection.
  • Schizotypal personality disorder: characterized by odd behavior or thinking.

Cluster B (dramatic, emotional or erratic disorders)

  • Antisocial personality disorder: a pervasive disregard for the rights of others, lack of empathy, and (generally) a pattern of regular criminal activity.
  • Borderline personality disorder: extreme “black and white” thinking, instability in relationships, self-image, identity and behavior often leading to self-harm and impulsivity.
  • Histrionic personality disorder: pervasive attention-seeking behavior including inappropriately seductive behavior and shallow or exaggerated emotions.
  • Narcissistic personality disorder: a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. Characterized by self-importance, preoccupations with fantasies, belief that they are special, including a sense of entitlement and a need for excessive admiration, and extreme levels of jealousy and arrogance.

Cluster C (anxious or fearful disorders)

  • Avoidant personality disorder: pervasive feelings of social inhibition and social inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation and avoidance of social interaction.
  • Dependent personality disorder: pervasive psychological dependence on other people.
  • Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (not the same as obsessive-compulsive disorder): characterized by rigid conformity to rules, moral codes and excessive orderliness.

This originates from the American Psychiatric Association’s The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Must give credit to where it’s due. There are links all over the Wikipedia page for further research. I also strongly recommend  Dr Tara J. Palmatier and her website, shrink4men (link below). The stories on her website are heartbreaking and serve as an excellent warning.

The concept of batshit crazy woman is a common theme across the Manosphere. Heartiste refers to it as “hot girl crazy” and has a good post on it (link below). I once tweeted “The hotter the woman, the lower the standards of good mental health” because men too often allow serious personality issues to slide when dealing with a very attractive woman.

These behaviors can be extremely serious stuff and can too easily ruin a man’s life. The Cluster B behaviors are particularly insidious and may not reveal themselves until after a man commits to a woman with such behaviors. This is the realm of  Dr. Palmatier and how she helps men dealing with such women. Based on what I have read on her website, Cluster B women know their personalities are screwed up and hide the wretched and life-sucking behavior until they can get a man to commit to her.

Men need to protect themselves:

1. Learn about these behaviors and be observant of women’s behavior while dating or in an exclusive relationship. Be prepared to bail out quickly.

2. Be extremely prudent about revealing too much personal information that could be used against you later.

3. Don’t become exclusive or commit too soon. The Cluster B woman will eventually get impatient and that can easily reveal her true personality.

4. Marriage or cohabitation should be entered with extreme caution and a very long time of prior exclusivity. How long? Think two years or longer.

A Cluster B woman can be awfully attractive until she reveals her true nature. Many men report to wildest and best sex with such women only to be blindsided later in the relationship with extraordinarily destructive behavior. A man’s penis has little capacity for analyzing non-sexual behavior.

The Clusters on Wikipedia

Hot Girl Crazy (Heartiste)

Shrink4men (Dr. Tara J. Palmatier)

Finding “Chemistry”

Note: This was my sixth blog post (out of almost 350 total) and I wrote it back in February of 2011, long before my blog become somewhat popular. The information still holds quite true and I haven’t changed anything in the blog post.

The word “chemistry” the most overused word in all the online dating profiles. This is especially true for the over 40 crowd of women. They all so desperately seek chemistry. I am quite tempted to include a photo of a chemistry set in my online dating profile with the caption, “Look ladies, I gots da chemistry!” I doubt anyone will get the joke.

Chemistry for a woman is her conscience acknowledgment that she will have sex with you. That’s all there is to it. When she feels chemistry, her vagina tingles and she’s mentally planning a sexual encounter with you. Men aren’t the only ones thinking with their reproductive organs. If you connect with her on a more intellectual and emotional level, she’s not only planning for sex, she’s planning her new life with you.

It has been said that a woman knows within the first few seconds of meeting a man that she wants him sexually. Sadly, I can’t vouch for this. I do know that the demands for “chemistry” are omnipresent in the online dating profiles. I would say that women want to know within the first few seconds of meeting and they actively look for men who would make them feel the swift torrent of sexual desire on the first meeting. This is what the whole first date bullshit is all about. She wants to know quickly and efficiently if you are a potential sexual partner.

Before you get all excited about the prospect of sexual chemistry, you have to understand that even the most sexually liberated woman isn’t going to welcome you into bed on the first date. Consider the awesome power of social expectations. A nice lady doesn’t jump a man’s bones unless some element of the dating ritual is completed. And while she might know in the first few seconds of the date that there’s going to be some nookie at some point, she is not going to reveal that fact overtly. Proper ladies of a certain age don’t do that sort of thing. Oh, there will be only passing discussion of the hypocrisy that many of these proper ladies were complete and utter floozies in their youth.

So here we have you on a date and you feel a strong sexual desire for the women sipping wine with you. You want her bad. Maybe she wants you just as badly but she’s being coy. She’s not the type of girl, after all. Never mind the threesome she had with her roommate and her boyfriend way back in college. She was drunk. And he was really, really cute. Oh, and forget her experiences with swinging with her second ex-husband. That was just a phase and while it might have been a lot of fun, she’s not like that anymore. She’ll sip her wine and gaze at you, her lady parts smoldering away. How do you know she’s smoldering? Read the next paragraph twice.

The question for you is, have you learned to read body language and non-verbal cues? If you haven’t, your dating life is going to be simply wretched and you will be wailing and gnashing your teeth on a regular basis. Frankly, if you don’t understand a woman’s body language and non-verbal cues, you are a clueless putz and deserve every bad date you get. There will be no lessons in body language here. Go out on the interwebs and learn. The PUA websites are a good start. You will also learn about your own body language and how to build comfort and attraction with women.

There is one fundamental weakness to the whole notion of chemistry. It assumes that chemistry is a quick and unyielding experience. Women don’t want a man to grow on them. They want instant gratification. Of course they will not state this clearly in their profiles. “I want a man to make my panties wet instantly.” Rather, it’s “I want to find a real chemistry with a man.” Yet with instant gratification comes shockingly poor decisions regarding men. That fellow who made her panties wet might be a complete tool in regards to maintaining a relationship. Ah, ain’t love grand?

If a string of sexual encounters is what you seek through online dating, then by all means learn the skills of creating sexual attraction with the opposite sex. It’s not rocket science. Women aren’t mysterious creatures imbued with magical powers. They’re just women and can be quite predictable. Learn the skills. Go have fun. Wear a condom.

More frustration: Even if your correspondence and phone calls were blisteringly hot with da sex talk, that is no guarantee of future sex. If a women doesn’t feel the chemistry in real life, there will be no sex in real life.

If you want a real relationship, you have to get past the chemistry thing. You have to make the leap from “guy I’m on a date with” to “guy who I really want to get all naked and sweaty with”. For that leap, there are no second chances. Once she determines that you’re not going to be a sexual partner, there is nothing – I repeat, nothing – you can do to grow on her. She’s already mentally reviewing the online profiles she read that morning and hoping the date with you ends quickly.

Just cut your losses and move on. Your consistent online dating process should mean that you’re actively corresponding with at least three potential new dates. There are, after all, plenty of fish in the sea.

A Dating Exercise For Women – Amazing Follow Up

Almost a year ago, I posted an exercise (link below) for women that could open their eyes (and possibly hearts) to more men. Basically, the advice and exercise is this:

Every time you see and/or interact with a man, look for something good about him.

While the exercise is meant for single women, it could certainly be something quite positive for women in relationships. When I post advice, I can only hope that it will be followed. This exercise was indeed implemented. Blogging Bellita (link below) has been doing the exercise for a year! Here’s what she said regarding the results. The boldface is mine.

What I expected was that it would teach me to settle. I thought that focusing on virtue, character and other non-sexy but admirable traits would help me to rationalize happiness with a partner I wasn’t all that attracted to.

What I did not expect was that it would increase the number of men I felt genuinely attracted to.

I’m seriously amazed at how many more handsome men there are in my city than there were one year ago. But of course, it was not the city that changed; it was I.

The intent of the exercise was indeed to encourage women to look for other characteristics of men that go beyond the physical. The unintended consequence was that Bellita found physical elements of men to be more attractive to her. While I didn’t mention it in the original post, a huge part of the exercise is to get women simply to notice men, nothing more. Perhaps this is why Bellita is finding so many good-looking guys in her city.

The comments in Bellita’s blog post – sadly, her last – are interesting and point to the social expectation that women should always be bashing men, the culture of misandry. This is part of a comment from Zoe:

My female friends and family have responded quite negatively to my refusal to engage in the “let’s talk trash about the men in our lives” anymore, and are vocally alarmed by my interest in focusing on the positive things I see in any man I encounter these days.

The reaction to Red Pill wisdom, especially when espoused by a woman, is always going to be negative. Going against social expectations, as Zoe is doing, ruffles female feathers everywhere. This is the biggest hurdle to overcome when taking the Red Pill and seriously changing one’s world view of human behavior, especially reproductive behavior. Most people are too content to wallow in the “wisdom” of blue pill social expectations.

A Dating Exercise For Women

One Year Later – Part 2 (Blogging Bellita)

The Chronology Of Masculine Fail

A recent and soon-to-be legendary post from Rollo over at the Rational Male blog (link below) described how a young woman was frustrated that men just don’t “get it”. She was upset that men don’t understand how to deal with women. Translated – women want to be dominated but can’t tell men to do this because it’s so politically incorrect and because of this impossible dilemma:

If a woman has to tell you she wants you to be dominant – and you do it – you are still doing what you are told which automatically means that you are not dominant and that you don’t “get it”.

I call this Solomon’s Dominance Dilemma because he’s the Rollo commenter who stated it. I added a couple of points.

This leads to a man’s frustration with women. Consider this quote from that same blog post:

If she’d just tell me what I have to do to make her love me, I’d do it!

When I was married, I remember actually saying almost those exact words in a rage of frustration and confusion.

She can’t tell you for two reasons:

1. She doesn’t understand her need to be dominated.

2. See Solomon’s Dominance Dilemma, above.

So why is it that men don’t “get it”? Here’s the chronology to the masculine fail:

1. A man is born into this world and into a female dominated household. His mother is either single or is the dominant adult in the family.

2. His formative years are spent trying to appease mother and his always-female teachers. Masculine dominance is viewed by a feminized society as dangerous so through propaganda and/or drugs, the young fellow is controlled and forced into non-masculine behaviors and characteristics. There are no strong male figures in his life to balance this.

3. Puberty hits, he treats the girls around him just as he treated his mother and his female teachers. He subordinates himself to them. There are still no strong male figures in his life to instruct him in the ways of girls.

4. His adult sexual and romantic life is frustrating, confusing, and completely unfulfilled. Of course, if he discovers the Manosphere, he might learn the truth about women and turn things around.

With so many guys not understanding that women want to be dominated, is it any wonder why 50 Shades of Gray is currently the most widely read book in the English language? Of course, women won’t say in words they want to be dominated, their collective sexual arousal over the scenes in that book are their actions showing their desire to be dominated.

What’s this? Actions over words? lulz.

Standard disclaimer – being dominant is not being domineering. Those are different things entirely. If you don’t know the difference, read every post in my blog, twice.

But here’s the ultimate frustration: the level of dominance that a woman requires constantly changes and too many men don’t have the ability to gauge that level.

[If you like this blog post, please support me through my Patreon efforts]
Rational Male

The Most Remarkable Blog I Have Read But Won’t Link To

I have stumbled across a most extraordinary blog while reading comments elsewhere. I’m not providing a link but I’m sure my readers will dig it up on their own. It’s the blog of a young, single woman who has gone through quite a few husbands who are not hers. She’s in her 20s and seems a magnet for husbands. This is part of her About page:

I almost exclusively sleep with married men but my attitude always has been and always will be “if your man doesn’t care about your relationship, why should I?

She finishes up her About page with:

I think divorce lawyers owe me a commission.

Oh yeah, this blog is pure gold and I’m afraid she’ll eventually get outed. Some other Manosphere bloggers have found her and I’m disappointed in myself for not finding it sooner.

She writes quite extensively about her relationships with married men and she actually tries to reach some conclusions about husbands, wives, and marriages. It’s all quite remarkable because she describes how the affairs start and the personalities of the people involved, including the wives because she sometimes knows the wives. The whole blog is simply stunning.

From one of her posts, I pulled the following three paragraphs. The first paragraph serves to introduce more of who she is. The second two paragraphs she really does nail down well why a husband might be unfaithful.

I personally am lucky enough to have the body of a runway model (thanks to an amazing personal trainer, a fairly good idea of what to eat and decent genes) but I’m nothing special…I rarely wear makeup, I am very girlie when I dress but I do not keep my nails done 24-7 and I only hit the salon once a week for my hair….I can tell the few women who have seen me have sized me up immediately and wondered “ew, why her?” or “she’s not really more attractive than me, is she?” the short answer is no, I am not…I am nothing special…I am like every other female, fairly average with a few special talents and honestly most likely nothing like you.  So why did your husband pick me?  I sadly cannot answer that for EVERYONE but there seem to be some common things I have noticed about men.

-I am easy to talk to…I think this has to do with my personality (I am EVERYONE’S best friend) but even so I’ve noticed plenty of men have conversations with me that should be saved for their wife…I hear it all from men…fears, problems, daily stress, marriage issues, issues with children, thoughts in general, etc…I’ve asked a few men why they do not speak to their wives about these things and they are quick to say “she doesn’t understand me” (no one understand men, wtf do they expect?!), “she’s not as easy to talk to as you are”, “she’s so judgmental” (women, we often want men to listen to us “just talk” so why don’t we do it for them?), “I can’t connect with her”, etc…  This is something to consider women, every long term affair I have ever had has started off as an emotional affair and even if you’re speaking to your husband, are you connecting with him?

-I am “fun”and I love to sexually satisfy the man I’m with…I have mastered the art of flirting with men..I enjoy sexy lingerie when men are around…I am a complete freak in bed…these are all things I hear men complain about wives not doing, refusing to do or being so reluctant to do that it would never be enjoyable for a man…I question women who refuse to sexually satisfy their men…I often hear of women putting their husband on sex restrictions or flat out refusing to do things in bed that their husband enjoys…I feel as if these women are setting themselves up to be cheated on…men will be men and I am not advocating turning yourself into someone you’re not to please your husband (he should know the real you anyway) but he should be satisfied and know you find him attractive…this won’t make your relationship “cheat proof” but it’s one less urge he’ll look to other women to fulfill

The first reason is about wives not being respectful enough connect with him by just talking and listening. It’s also about a wife simply being friendly and warm with her husband. Lose that connection, lose that friendliness, she might lose that husband. It’s also very telling that this is the first reason the mistress blogger gives.

The second reason is the sex and this is obvious. But to see it presented from the very woman the husband goes to gives it far more validity. Do married women not understand this? For every wife that doesn’t complete satisfy her husband, there’s a potential affair with the very type of woman who authors the blog. Husbands have been preaching this for so long that I guess wifely ears are now deaf to it.

I’m not going to judge the author of the blog even though she claims that women are superior to men. So much information gathering and observations recorded should be encouraged.

Frankly, I think this blog should be a Manosphere secret.

Trying Something New – Need Input

Now that I’m technically no longer The Private Man (link below) and I have the infrastructure to receive payments, I’m going take the advice of Professor Mentu (link below) and offer a regular conference call lasting at least an hour. It will be in the weekday evenings (time to be determined later) and limited to 10 participants per call. All it requires is a minimum $10 donation. When payment is received you’ll get the call details. Each conference call will cover a particular topic and feature time for live questions from you and answers from me.

Some potential topic titles:

  • The Confidence Sub-Routine Is Not Optional
  • It’s Charisma For A Reason
  • Red Pill Wisdom For Guys Dating
  • Get The Date, Dammit!
  • PUA? We Need To Talk

[You get the idea]

There will be some content from my blog but there will be new material. With the opportunity to ask questions, exploring topics more in depth and dealing with participant’s individual issues will certainly happen.

As I don’t do politics or cover the minutiae of social trends, these calls will primarily be about meeting women and how to navigate the ruthless waters of Dating 2.0. I will never do politics nor allow the calls to get political. It’s about me helping guys (and women) with dating and beginning relationship issues, nothing more.

Once a month, I’ll have a serious Manosphere guest (yo, Rollo!) and that conference call will require a minimum $25 donation.

So, what do my readers think? Would you donate $10 for a fun, entertaining, and extremely informative conference call where you can ask questions directly to me?

I’m Out

University of Man

The Rational Male

This Has Been Going On For Awhile…

This video is long at 25 minutes. You have been warned.

It’s important to understand the date when this was first aired and that the book in question was published: 1997. 15 years later we are seeing the manifestations of that social change trajectory.

The book’s author is still active with her own blog (link below). She’s got a pretty big hamster and she’s incapable of being critical to women. She’s blue pill all the way and knows nothing of evolutionary psychology.

The social trends we cover in Manosphere blogs have been documented long before we showed up on the Internet. Her comments about marriage, adultery, and female sexuality are interesting and sometimes infuriating but a lot of Manospherian themes were raised well over a decade ago.

Darma Heyn Blog

Faith, Gender Roles, Masculine Charisma

A massive comment outbreak is occurring over at Dalrock’s blog (link below). Given the intelligence and general wisdom of Manosphere commenters, it’s taken me awhile to read through the often genius observations about Christianity and Game. Of course, I added my two cents regarding the nomenclature. I don’t like the word Game in this context, I prefer Charisma with the added descriptor of masculine.

For the record, I have faith and I am a Christian of the Protestant, evangelical flavor. While I don’t attend church, I do try to follow the teachings of Jesus. However, this post is not about my personal faith, it’s about the wisdom I find through comments in the Manosphere. To wit, this is from MackPUA:

More proof how much Christianity is REALLY out of step with reality & has ALWAYS been out of step with reality

Women are LEVERAGING GIRL GAME & devastating the church as a result

What do christian men do as a result? They attack game, PUA, men asserting their masculinity & dominance

In short christian men attack one of the main defenses men have, ie knowledge of how women use & manipulate men

Christianity has always sold out men, at every opportunity it gets

All with the flimsy premise of evil gamers & puas seducing their weak willed christian wives …

A few facts …

You cannot separate game from PUA, as PUAs came up with most of the theories & ideologies gamers use today

You cannot learn game, unless you pickup chicks & learn how to rotate multiple women in a relationship

Reading about women is NOT game

Game HAS to be practiced, which is WHY alot of guys in the manosphere have such warped ideas about game & PUA

What these so-called Christians don’t realize society HAS CHANGED

Men HAVE to learn how to manage a soft harem, precisely because ALL women juggle multiple men & multiple relationships

Our society is no longer a male driven, male dominated culture

Its WOMEN who now juggle multiple men & multiple relationships


Beta men ARE NOW THE INNOCENT VIRGINAL BRIDES, women take advantage of, after whoring their lives on the carousel


Why don’t these idiotic christians & manginas & anti-gamers get it?

The roles have changed

Thanks to the pill, & birth control in today’s society, its women who are now the cads

He has some very valid points that must be understood by those within the Christian faith and those outside it. The gender roles have indeed changed and our society is going to get even more confused, complicated, and frustrating, especially for guys without masculine Charisma.

Consider the percentage of female college graduates and the biologically-based motivation that is hypergamy. How will they find husbands? (link below). They won’t. They will find a series of short-term “relationships” with charismatic guys who are simply managing soft harems and have no reason to commit unless they truly want to become fathers.

Voluntary single motherhood will become an even greater social pathology as sperm is plentiful. An “oops” pregnancy is easily done because short of a vasectomy, private male birth control won’t yet be a reality. Of course, a trip to the sperm bank is always an option.

Some day, a pastor will mount his pulpit and preach to the women with honesty and candor about hypergamy. He will then preach to the men about masculine Charisma. And then the church will organize singles events after revealing such Red Pill wisdom. It could be interesting if it were to ever happen.

I’ll be poolside.

Dalrock – Cypher’s Problem

How Will They Find Husbands?

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