The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “June, 2012”

Munson Has Left The Building

To cap off a truly shitty week, I have just learned that Munson has passed away.

His story is a page on my blog. Please read the comments on that page because Munson wrote many of them. His life was epic and interesting.

He will be missed.

Fat Acceptance? Not Here – Post Recycle

[Note: I wrote this post about eight months ago. It’s not the most polite of posts but this is not the most polite of subjects. The financial costs of obesity are staggering and we must address this problem as a society. And while some blogs poke supremely wicked (and offensive) fun at this issue, the seriousness cannot be ignored. We’re killing ourselves with calories.]

This social trend has been around for over 40 years. As Americans have been ballooning up in weight, the fat acceptance movement is getting more attention. It shouldn’t get any attention at all. obesity is both unattractive and unhealthy. It’s just that simple. What, is Private Man indulging in intolerant shaming and prejudice? I’ll accept the accusation of shaming, not that of being prejudiced.

In the overwhelmingly vast majority of cases, being overweight is a choice. Every calorie consumed is a conscious decision. I’m not going to be cast aspersions on a person’s character regarding weight and size. But anyone toting around extra weight must be keenly aware that what they are doing is unhealthy and unattractive. This goes doubly for women.

Certainly I am not unsympathetic to overweight people and people with unhealthy habits. I was once a fat guy at 260 pounds. I lost 60 pounds about five years ago and I am very careful about my calorie intake. Worse, I am a smoker. Every time I have a cigarette, I am making a conscious choice to do so. I expect no acceptance for my bad habit. I don’t need some social movement to shame non-smokers. I am not writing a letter to Hollywood producers asking them to feature more characters smoking in motion pictures.

I chose to be fat avoident by the company I keep and the women I date. This certainly limits my dating pool and I accept the consequences of my preferences. It’s disheartening when I meet sweet, funny, pleasant women who are rendered unattractive by a body ruined by fat. They fail the boner test. As a polite man, I won’t say anything about why I am not attracted, I simply move on.

I do have some advice for younger men. Don’t have sex with women whom you don’t find attractive because of their weight. Yes, it’s unrealistic advice – I didn’t practice this in my youth – yet it still must be said. Young men, especially young men with Charisma, don’t reward bad behavior by sexing up a young woman of excess poundage. To be direct, I am telling young men, no fat chicks. They should be invisible to you.

The fundamental truth is that the feminine attracts the masculine. Too much weight on a woman’s figure is not feminine. “Where are all the good men?” I’m frequently asked. I always refrain from saying “You left them behind 40 pounds ago”.

Woman Up

Why I Blog

Since I’ve started blogging, I’ve banged out over 300 new posts. I have recycled a few posts, as well. My regular commenters are always welcome and I especially encourage new commenters to jump in. The growing page view traffic and comments are encouraging. But it’s the emails which really motivate me. I dispense advice when requested and sometimes I get an email like this:

Hello Private Man,

You know, I’d never thought to myself that I’d be emailing you, or any of the other Manosphere personas that have been spreading Red Pill Wisdom. But the truth, when realized, always shatters the lies that the apprentice had been told before listening in to the master(s).

Anyway, you asked about getting in touch in the your second last post, so here it is:

You seem to be (and I’m not trying to flatter here) a fragment of the father figure that I have lacked growing up.

It’s interesting witnessing myself writing that last sentence. Is it my lack of acknowledgement, arrogance or indifference towards my own father? Not necessarily; I love my father dearly, and am immensely grateful that him and my mother went through so much to raise me and 3 sisters (more on that, if I keep writing;), and wouldn’t trade in the world to have him replaced.

And yet, here I am, a serendipitous stumbler into the world of the Manosphere. [I’m trying to remember how and when it happened, but that is a distant faded memory; as if its necessity has always been there]

I’m not the first one; nor am I going to be the last of my generation (or the next, if things continue to be as bad as they are for men) to be seeking out what has been, by nature, a prerogative for us men. But all that which has been lost under the veil of ‘civilization’ is now being revealed, slowly but surely (As the Chateau puts it: “where pretty lies perish”).

I wasn’t sure if my part of the world is contributing to lifting the veil. I grew up in the Middle East amongst 3 sisters, with parents who’d migrated from the delta country of South Asia. A typical family upbringing, and yet upon closer inspection, and armed with Red Pill Wisdom, one can diagnose the illness that had come and washed over the psyche of a male amongst female family member; an absent father who’s always at work, and a mother and sisterhood who had tried their best to ‘help’ their only brother, but ended up really fucking over his masculine entitlement.

You get the picture now.

Perhaps because there is so much to read up on in the Manosphere, I’m sure there are other with a similar story as mine, and we’re all striving to become aficionados of the school of charisma and crimson arts.

With that, I want to thank you for your input to this world, and hope that, because of your contribution, I still get to enjoy life 20 years from now (when I’m 45+) without the chains that bind, and the lies that kill the spirit of man.

[I think it’s very appropriate that you are the first Manospherian I should consult, among the many others whom I hope to consult in the coming days. What’s interesting (probably the rationalization hamster doing this) is that you seem to be one of the few who, on account of his years, have a long-view of things as they are. (referring to your ‘about’ page)]


That’s quite an endorsement for me and the whole Manosphere. Despite some challenges in my personal life, I will endeavor to keep writing because of emails like this. I hope that all my readers are telling their friends about the Manosphere.

Woman Up! (Re-visited)

[Note: This post was the last of three entitled Woman Up! that I posted about eight months ago. The female blogger bbsezmore (links in the post) did something quite remarkable and it’s worth re-posting]

To end the hat trick of the Woman Up posts – one and two – I present the blogger bbsezmore (the link is to her blog’s home page). She’s a married woman of undetermined age living in a place where I don’t know. That doesn’t matter. What matters is that she did a Woman Up experiment to see the results.

The posts are based on an initial challenge from Susan Walsh over at Hooking up Smart.

There are eight posts that are required reading for my female readers and worth of spreading far and wide over the interwebs. I’ve arranged them in the proper order (with the full length URL for easy copy and paste):


It’s worth reading every single post in the series which include BB’s and her husband’s observations. The comments are interesting, too. As well, BB has plenty of other posts that are relevant to the whole Woman Up concept.

Let’s all say it again, Woman Up.

Ex-Wives Understand Hypergamy

In the course of a high-conflict divorce, the soon-to-be ex-wife has an iron clad grasp of hypergamy. She knows that by getting as much of her husband’s assets and income, she is reducing his level of attraction to women. A guy who is paying out the nose for alimony and child support is going to lose major points in the post-divorce sexual market place (SMP).

The ex-wives know this. As they were likely hypergamous in their marriage decision, they know that by limiting their ex-husbands access to resources they are limiting their ex-husbands dating options. It’s cold revenge, nothing more. Is it any wonder why the demand for alimony reform is coming from second wives? Those second wives discovered that their own incomes are also at risk by a vindictive first wives.

When kids are involved, the potential drop in the ex-husbands assets and income is too good an opportunity to pass up. Combine that with almost no custody enforcement and ex-wives have the ultimate form of revenge – the ex-husband has no money to attract a new woman and he can’t even see his own kids. He gets to enjoy his drab two bedroom apartment and empty bank account all by himself.

Please note that I am acknowledging amicable divorces where this scenario doesn’t play out. Not all divorces are like that (“NADALT”?). Such revenge tactics by ex-wives are far more visible than two former spouses who successfully manage to make the dissolution of marriage work. But the opportunity for ex-wife revenge is a structural weakness in the divorce process. “For the children” becomes a handy excuse for exceptionally bad ex-wife behavior. Woman-as-perpetual-victim plays into this quite conveniently, as well.

“He only cares about his money” is a common refrain when ex-wives discuss such issues. Of course he does, cupcake. You only cared about his money when you were about to embark on a voyage on the cruise ship Hypergamy 1. There have been some moves toward alimony reform, 2nd wives and all. There will likely be no moves toward child support reform because a few, vindictive ex-wives will always play the “for the children card” with the willing cooperation of White Knight politicians.

Getting married and having children is such a huge risk for men that it’s mind-boggling that men want to go this route. Of course, there is the option of taking the Red Pill and managing the marriage successfully. Sadly, too many potential husbands see the Red Pill as poison and too many women are enjoying the privilege of the blue pill, gyno-centric cultural landscape.

Hey Blog Readers! What’s On Your Mind?

It’s a lazy, rainy, viciously humid day here in South Florida.  I’ve noticed the Manosphere is heating up, too. There are some excellent new blogs appearing (I’ll post on those another time) and general page views are increasing. Perhaps Red Pill wisdom is being absorbed by more netizens and the word is spreading at an accelerated rate.

I am soliciting opinions and observations from my readers about the state of dating and relationships. I’ve got lots of steady readers and I am quite sure that there are some excellent words to appear in the comments.

So, using the comment feature, I ask the question to you, my readers…

What’s on your mind?

It can be a random thought. It can be a pithy essay. Hell, it could even be Munson (and where the hell is he?!).

Speak up, my readers. Post some links. Lay on some righteous hate if’n ya want. I’m a light touch on comment moderation so you can exploit that.

While you’re writing up some cool comments, I’ll be enjoying the company of a fine woman.

Picture, 1000 Words…

This image has made the rounds in the Manosphere already. But its simple and direct message is so strong that it needs to be displayed again. So many relationships could be saved if women realized that maintaining physical attractiveness – even through something as simple as dressing in a feminine manner – is extremely important to a man. Some women do understand. The artist who penned this simple cartoon is a woman. She was likely kicked out of the Strong Independent Woman® club for her heresy.
OK, so I didn’t write 1000 words. Sue me.

The Marriage Analogy – A Must Read

This one is long but very much worth the read. It originated from an excellent Dalrock post (link below). He made a very astute comment with the “marriage as a restaurant” analogy. The analogy was further fleshed out with a subsequent comment by Anonymous Reader.

Original comment from Dalrock:

I don’t have time to really do this justice, but I’ll take a quick shot at it. I share your view in wanting marriage for both men and women. This is why I write on the topics I write about. Marriage is too essential to turn our backs on, even though it has suffered great violence from the culture, the state, and a treacherous church.

The analogy I’ll offer isn’t perfect but hopefully gets the basic idea across. Those of us who are happily married are sitting in a fine restaurant, enjoying our meals. Outside are a crowd of would be patrons, but the restaurant is full and they won’t be seated. However, the crowd outside decides to make the best of it. They set up a grill and hold an impromptu cookout. Some number of them comment that they wouldn’t trade sitting in our boring stuffy restaurant for the experience of cooking and eating in the outdoors with the company of the rest of the crowd. While I think the restaurant is better, I’m not going to call out to them, to try to convince them that they really should regret that they didn’t get a table. Instead I’m going to focus what influence I have on making that option available to more diners. I’ll try to get the restaurant down the street to start following the health codes so they don’t poison people. But to do that first I have to take on the corrupt health inspector (the church), etc. Besides, who am I to tell the people making the best of the cookout that they don’t really enjoy being there more than they would enjoy being in the restaurant? Not all of us have the same tastes. Given the lack of options, I truly hope that the cookout is what makes them happy. If someone wants to know how they can get a table I’ll offer the best advice I have on finding one, including advice on avoiding restaurants like the one down the street.

The lack of open tables at the restaurant is visible in the data I’ve shown here, both in delayed marriage trends by women and in the kicking of fathers out of the home. Not everyone gets this “food poisoning”, but those who do can suffer immensely.

Follow up comment from Anonymous Reader:

Dalrock, although your analogy is interesting, it is incomplete. You need to include the whole picture. And that is, some number of couples in the restaurant suddenly leave; the woman stands up, shrieks to the management that her escort is simply beastly, and a couple of pug-ugly bouncers come, rough him up, take his wallet, beat the snot out of him, and throw him out the back door into the alley. She stays for a while, paying for the meal out of his wallet, and then slowly walks out the front door, to cruise around the barbecue grills for a while.. And everyone pretends nothing just happened, although some murmur of “what did HE do?” floats ’round the room. For some odd reason, there are more and more empty tables in this restaurant. Fewer customers are coming in the front door. Business is down. The restaurant manager worries out loud that his business isn’t going well. But his bouncers continue to beat, rob, and eject men any time a woman demands it.

Those men at the barbecue grills? More than a few of them used to eat in the restaurant. But after getting beaten up, robbed, beaten up some more and thrown away in to the alley, they don’t much care for restaurant food any more. They regard it as too expensive, one way or another.

There is another group circulating around the barbecue grills, and out into the street. These are women who alternate between snacking at the barbecue grills, and importuning men to take them into the restaurant. They insist they only want good restaurant food, as they wipe the grease from the barbeque off of their fingers. Some of these women used to eat in the restaurant, but decided to have their escorts beaten and robbed. For some reason they find it a bit more difficult to get an escort back into the restaurant than previously was the case.

There’s also a shadowy crowd out beyond the barbecue grills that most diners in the restaurant can’t see. This crowd is almost entirely men. Many of them are young, but some are middle-aged or even old. No way they get into the restaurant. Although some of them used to eat there, before they got beaten up, robbed, and thrown into the alley. And nobody wants them too close to the barbecue grills, either. The women who eat at the grills and want into the restaurant scorn them. These men exist in the shadows, chewing on a dried out piece of jerky.

Every once in a while, some fat guy from the restaurant management strolls outside, and hollers at all the men in the street:

“HEY ! Why don’t you Man UP and find a nice lady to escort into this restaurant? The food is great! And if you get beaten, robbed and thrown in the alley it’s all your fault! C’mon in! Be a man!”

Most of the women stand with him, and echo his “Man UP!” call, ululating in chorus. The barbecue crowd jeers at him. The men in the shadows gnaw on their dried out jerky and stare at him in utter silence. He goes back into the failing restaurant and tells everyone inside how great the service is. As he speaks, another male patron is beaten, robbed, and as he’s being ejected out the back door he grabs a knife in the kitchen, then stabs himself in the heart and dies in the alley.

No one in the restaurant one says a word, everyone looks away and pretends nothing just happened.

I believe this fills out the scenario a bit. How one views the restaurant depends on where one stands. Sitting in a cozy booth in the back, with family all around, the restaurant is a great place. Standing outside by the barbecue grills, the restaurant may look too expensive, the dress code too stuffy. From across the street in the shadows the restaurant looks good, but seeing man after man being beaten, robbed, and thrown away into a dumpster-strewn alley leads to a different perspective on the restaurant than one might get in the cosy back booth. The view from the backside of the restaurant, the alley? Standing outside, with empty pockets, black eyes, and a broken nose & fingers, the restaurant is a crooked deal, run by thieves, cheats, and liars.

Perspective makes a difference.

It’s conversations like these that provide superb Red Pill wisdom within the Manosphere.

Dalrock’s Original Post

Getting Old… It’s Going To Be Epic!

Living in South Florida means being around lots and lots of retirees. Thankfully, most of them don’t drive during rush hour. If they did, I’d be dead. Motorcycles and older drivers are a poor fit. Instead, there’s a loud bell at 10AM and the gates of all the local retirement communities open and a vast armada of Buicks slowly rolls out, at trolling speed. At 4PM, another bell rings and the Buicks return. As I am firmly middle-aged, my senior years are most definitely on the horizon. I can’t wait.

Being a senior citizen grants certain privileges. My young colleague pointed this out today. He spent the weekend with his parents who have recently moved to a retirement community. “Old people do weird shit” was his observation. This is exactly why I’m looking forward to being an codger. Why do old people do weird shit?

Because they can, dammit.

Here’s a partial list of things I intend to do when the excuse of old age allows me:

  • Grab my crotch and give the finger to random neighbors
  • Wave my cane around menacingly
  • Criticize everyone and everything
  • Refuse to clean up after my dog (my dog will be old and crotchety, too)
  • Open stuff at the grocery store for a quick snack and put it back on the shelf
  • Tell stories about me that didn’t actually happen
  • Pants up to my navel
  • Socks and sandals
  • Tell wildly inappropriate jokes (racist and sexist, both)
  • Loud flatulence in public
  • Mutter, mutter, mutter…
  • Buick, slowly, no lane discipline
  • Quote Rush Limbaugh
  • Pay in coins when there are at least six people in line behind me
  • Slow jaywalking as a hobby
  • “Damned kids these days!”
  • Old man smell (does that come in a bottle? I sure hope so!)
  • Attend town council meetings, rail about taxes and refuse to shut up
  • Block pedestrians on sidewalks with a slow and unsteady gait
  • Loudly demand senior discounts at convenience stores
  • Hearing aid buzz (“What? WHAT?! Speak up, dammit!”)
  • F-bomb becomes F-machine gun
  • Vote often and selfishly (“We don’t need no fucking bond issue for those fucking crappy schools, anyway!”)
  • Pretend to be confused by technology and obnoxiously pester younger people to help
  • Incredibly graphic descriptions of disgusting health problems
  • Scourge of the local senior center
  • Dentures, hand puppet, hilarity

Y’all get the idea, I’m sure. Feel free to add more.

Outcome Independence – Find Her Flaw

While talking Red Pill wisdom with a younger colleague (single guy), he expressed curiosity about the concept of outcome independence. He was going to a music event over the weekend and was looking for some motivation because he was fully intending to socially interact with girls during the concert. He was skeptical about outcome independence as he knew full well that a man’s DNA wants him to be outcome dependent.

I acknowledged the dilemma he would face. I imagined him talking to some hot girl and all during the conversation his DNA would be screaming “do something, say something to get this girl to have sex with you!” I told him this one piece of simple advice:

“Find her flaw.”

This guy is 26 years old. His biological imperative regarding procreation is strong. Translated – he’s fucking horny. Fortunately, he’s a smart guy and absorbs Red Pill wisdom like a sponge. He considered that advice for a moment. “I’ll do that.”

Even the hottest girl has a flaw. It could be an ugly regional accent. It could be that she laughs like a braying donkey. It could be that her nose is slightly off-center. For a man to attain any kind of outcome independence, he must find that flaw and silently focus on it during the course of the social interaction.

This is a very difficult lesson for guys just starting to work on their Charisma. Too many younger men were taught to put girls on the pedestal and ignore their flaws. Finding a woman’s flaw(s) takes strength and incredible resolve. The more physically attractive the girl, the more a man must work to find – and then focus on – the the flaw. If she’s also pleasant and friendly, then it becomes a truly herculean effort.

This advice might seem negative. It’s not. This is Dating 2.0 where a man needs every skill and tactic in order for him to achieve his relationship goals. Removing outcome dependence is one of the most important tactics.

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