The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “April, 2014”

Bring Chivalry Back… Dot Com!

There is actually a new website with that name. There’s also an accompanying Twitter account and the associated email marketing. A middle age fellow created that website. There are also associated live events and networking opportunities related more to business. He really wants to bring back chivalry. His efforts are legitimate but his understanding of attraction between the sexes is colored way too much by his desire to get men to practice chivalry. My regular readers will immediately see where this is going.

The history of chivalry is actually quite interesting. This is worth a read because the article does a good job in tracking the history of chivalry from a warrior code to a code of conduct of upper class men as they interacted with upper class women. Chivalry is a great – and long – chapter in human social history. It’s a cousin to courtly love and gallantry. Those were the days. I’m getting nostalgic for the plague, Tamerlane, and codpieces.

Historically speaking, chivalry made sense. It acted as a moral barrier to (hopefully) prevent strong, violent men acting in brutal, savage ways upon physically weaker persons who lacked any kind of economic or political power. Up until the early 20th century, chivalry was a moral barrier to protect women, also considered weaker and lacking any kind of economic or political power. There is a nice congruity to that transformation.

Given the economic and political power of today’s women, chivalry is simply not required. Practicing chivalry is like speaking Latin, quaint but fundamentally useless unless you’re in the Vatican. Worse, it can too easily come across as supplicating, obsequious, and sycophantic, traits that women loathe in a potential romantic partner. This hilarious video from Amy Schumer highlights the problem of chivalrous “M’Lady” boys. It’s funny stuff and stunningly realistic. There really does need to be an app like that.

Bring Chivalry Back recently zapped out a tweet showing guys helping a woman jump-start her car in the rain. The text of the tweet said that the insisted that she stay in the car. While that’s helpful, it’s unnecessary because the woman in the car can simply call AAA or some other professional to assist her. That’s economic power, right there.  Women have fought hard for that kind of economic power and it should be respected.

I have no problem being help to my fellow humans, I rather enjoy that. However, being helpful to a woman solely because she possesses ladyparts takes any man into dangerous territory if he has a romantic agenda with that woman. Chivalry and attraction just don’t go together. The website and tweets urge men to be chivalrous in order to stand out. In the context of garnering female attraction, that logic is sound. It’s almost axiomatic that a man willing to stand out has a certain degree of confidence and that’s good. However, chivalry destroys mystery.

But a gesture of chivalry is way too facile when attempting to get a woman’s attraction  escalate that attraction into comfort and romance. If the gesture is over the top, the impact can be quite the opposite of comfort. Indeed, chivalry can actually maintain an emotional barrier when trying to make a woman feel comfortable with the man. Initial attraction and comfort should be natural and easy, not punctuated by contrived rituals.

A gesture of chivalry also establishes the completely wrong frame in a man’s mind. It hoists a woman onto the pedestal so she can look down on the man, figuratively speaking. It also signals to the woman that he’s joining her life and that’s an attraction killer. She joins his life as the dating process goes on.

Any chivalrous acts should be used exceedingly sparingly and in the context of a committed relationship or towards older women. I have a soft spot (shut up, readers) in my heart for a woman who has managed to survive this challenging world for decades. I also have great respect for older men. Actually, my younger readers consider me an older man. Ha!

I won’t heap too contumely on the creator of bringchivalryback.com. As he’s in a long-term marriage, he’s not in the dating market and so can’t accurately address what it’s like out here in middle-age singledom. If he were single, his chivalry would certainly gets lots of positive attention from the dames. It would get him few, if any, dates. Regarding attraction and dating, women and men say what they are expected to say but they do what they want to do. Women say they like chivalry, but won’t act on it.

His advice for young single men is poor. A young man who whips out some chivalry to get some attraction from a girl is going to get “Awwwww, that’s so sweet [now go away]” or “Ewwwww, you’re creepy, get away from me!” Hey, both of those responses are a form of attention, right? What the creator of the website doesn’t understand is that attention and appreciation are not the same as attraction.

Sure, bring back chivalry. It’ll be fine when I pitch sweet woo to Rebecca and get her parent’s permission to let me give her a ride in my flivver after I present her with a lovely nosegay. But prior to that, I shall pen her a fine missive on some quality foolscap. “My Darling Rebecca…” Oh, mother has the Victrola wound. 23 skiddoo!

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Thoughts About Re-Entry Dating

Despite my eyesight, I do go out and flirt with women. The village is great for that because of the steady influx of tourists and local visitors. The flirting is a fun and harmless exercise and keeps my social skills sharp. Also, such experiences give me fresh material for this blog. My flirting experiences are fairly consistent given the fact that everyone who visits here is looking to experience some form of leisure. The women are incredible receptive to being approached be a friendly man with an ugly dog.

This presents a challenge to me. My readers don’t live in a seaside, subtropical village. My readers are out in the suburbs trying to live their lives with the complications of kids, houses, and possibly difficult ex-spouses. I understand. I also lived out the suburbs leading a complicated life as a single man looking to date single women. I empathize with the frustrations of dating post-divorce and this is why I created this blog and Red Pill Dating.

The biggest challenge for men is to find the right physical/social context where women are the most receptive to being approach by a guy. Men also have to have the skills and practice to know when a woman is open to being approached. This is very difficult. While women over a certain age complain that they are invisible and men complain that every woman they approach reject them. Do you see why this is happening? The women are complaining that attractive men find them invisible. Men are complaining because they are approaching attractive women who, frankly, have other options regarding men.

For the divorced man or woman wanting to get back into the dating scene, the common go-to is online dating. That’s a reasonable tactic and can certainly work better for women. For men, online dating is a serious effort requiring lots of time. The unintended consequence is that men get too much rejection and retreat into social isolation holding way too much anger. For women, they learn that attractive men, even online, have options with women. A better alternative is the singles get-together. Such in-person social events can be found through Meetup.com, online dating websites, ministries at churches, etc. I recommend bringing a friend to such events. It doesn’t matter the friend, male or female. If you’re a bit more shy, make sure the friend is more outgoing that you and break the ice when required.

The advantages of such singles events are fairly obvious. For one, everyone is single and looking which makes women more approachable and men more willing to approach. I speak in generalities, of course, but that’s been my direct experiences with such events. Another advantage is that it’s a good antidote to the disease of social isolation, something that men suffer more than women. Another advantage is that both men and women can see the “competition”, so to speak. This can be discouraging, considering yourselves warned. See other singles of your sex can also be very motivating.

Consider the live singles events as a warm-up to meeting the opposite sex out in the singles wilderness of shopping malls, grocery stores, adult education classes, and other uncivilized places where post-divorce singles actually manage to cross paths, and actually exchange phone numbers. With so many singles attending such events, it may never come to exploring the singles wilderness. Ladies, here’s a life hack that will serve you in good stead when attend such an event or are just out there in singles wilderness.

Two Single Women Over 40 – And Observations

As a smoker, I take my smoke breaks with the few other smokers in this fairly large office building. My compatriots in nicotine are mostly ordinary people working white-collar jobs, just like me. There are two 40-plus single dames who I chat with regularly, albeit briefly. They both know that I give attraction and dating advice to the post-divorce crowd.

Because they know I have a blog and I run into them regularly, I am going to be extremely diplomatic with my words. Both women are over 40 and to a 50-something guy, they are not unattractive. One has a teen-aged son, the other is never-married (I think) and without kids. So have we have Mom and Non-Mom. Non-Mom is actively looking for a male romantic interest in her life. Mom would probably date a guy if he fell in her lap.

Non-Mom is frustrated with the whole dating process. She’s making many of the classic mistakes that women make in the search for romance. But Non-Mom is actively looking. She’s doing the online dating thing and does get out of the house with yoga and walking. Recently, she gave out her phone to a guy she met on the street (think city street, not suburbia). So Non-Mom is doing that part right. She also dresses in a very feminine manner. That alone will get attention from men.

Mom, on the other hand, is more circumspect about her romantic endeavors. “I’m just so busy for dating.” My readers will know exactly that actually means. I just looked at her and stated simply, “then you’re not ready for dating.” Her reaction was expected, she back-peddled a bit and changed her approach to the conversation. Again, as expected. Her back story is all about being attracted to the wrong types of men after her divorce. Good for excitement, poor for relationships, hence, her circumspection. Mom does dress well, just not as feminine as Non-Mom.

I do talk about some Red Pill subjects with these two women while we smoke. The listen patiently but I don’t expect it to sink in very much. It takes an incredible amount of effort to be introspective enough to adjust attitudes. My readers know the process. Non-Mom will likely meet her relationship goal. She’ll be most disappointed in the whole dating scene until she meets her version of Prince Charming. This is because she’s actively working at meeting men.

Mom is receptive but too passive in her quest for romance. Her challenge is that few men in this age range actively approach women. I will wager that mostly men over 60 years old will approach her while she’s out and about. I sense she’ll take it well but wistfully wonder why aren’t guys her own age aren’t approaching her. It’s because men her age with the confidence and charisma to approach women will be approaching younger women.

Attraction and dating changes a great deal once a certain age is reached. It’s hard to understand and accept that the attraction balance shifts towards the men. A lot of guys my age don’t understand that and this keeps them from working on self-improvement to be even more attractive to the opposite sex. These same guys don’t understand that single women want to approached, even if just for validation purposes. This is the generation of men who came of age in the 1980s and were taught to be Sensitive New Age Guys (SNAGS). This is also the generation when herpes and AIDS burst into the sexual marketplace. It affected us and reprogramming is a tough process.

To my commenters, exercise diplomacy please, I see these two women almost every day. And no, no photos of them.

Bad Early Date Idea – The Music Concert

With old rock and roll bands still performing, there is a strong temptation to turn a music concert into a 2nd or 3rd date. Concerts were a big part our youth so it makes sense to bring a date to a concert. For the record and way back in the day, I did see Flock of Seagulls as the warm-up band for Squeeze. I didn’t bring a date and I wasn’t stoned.

The problem with The typical rock concert – even if performed by septuagenarians – is that it’s unspeakably loud.

“What?!”

“ROCK CONCERTS ARE LOUD!”

“WHAT?!”

This makes for a terrible place to connect with your date. Conversation simply can’t happen to any meaningful way. There is also the cost issue. Even a smaller venue can have some impressively expensive ticket costs. Expensive tickets don’t necessarily impress women.

Despite the loudness and expense, you insist on bringing a date to a rock concert because she told you about her favorite band and you’re too eager to impress her. That band is performing in a local arena so for a couple hundred bucks you snag some floor seats. You park ($?), get some snacks ($!), and find your seats. It’s hot and crowded. With the warm-up band done, the main act mounts the stage.

Your date stands up and practically rushes the stage. By the time she gets close to the stage, you’re a distant memory. Her complete focus is on the lead singer, a man she has idolized for decades. You’re now competing with a rock star for her attention. It’s too loud to talk, it’s too crowded to move about and there’s no way you’re going to wrest her away from the stage.

To see how a male performer can impact women during a live performance, regardless of age, Google up this search term: “tom jones panties on stage” and read some of the articles. These are not young women flinging their lingerie around and Sir Tom Jones is no young whippersnapper at 74 years old. Of course, if the performer is a solo female, this doesn’t apply. But why would a man pay for such a concert?

For you younger guys, the end of the show might make things worse. If your date is a serious hottie and wants to go back stage, you run the risk of some security dude whisking her off to “meet” the band. Yes, that happens and the stories sometimes surface on Reddit and no hilarity is involved, except for the band “meeting” the girl. It’s a seriously unpleasant scenario for a young man.

The first few dates should be about a venue where a connection can be explored and possibly pursued. Dinner dates are OK but lack originality. This is why a man must have a serious menu of options for dates. It’s the man’s responsibility to make dating plans, don’t question that. However, if a woman offers to cook for you at her place, do it. And don’t question that, either.

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