The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for the post-divorce crowd

Archive for the category “Dating/Online Dating”

Learned Introversion

Being introverted must be a difficult thing. While I can sympathize, it’s hard for me to empathize. I’m an extrovert. This means I am energized when I’m being socially involved, face to face. Introverts lose energy when being socially involved. Much of this introversion and extroversion is because of how we are individually wired. There is however, learned introversion because of a guy’s lifestyle. Here’s a recent article from NY Magazine that describes more about introversion.

Imagine man who has been recently divorced. He’s living out in the ‘burbs and words a regular white-collar job. He’s got two kids and a visitation (I loathe that word) schedule with his kids. Being out in the ‘burbs, there’s not a lot of opportunities for social interaction. He might be an extrovert as part of his nature. But given his schedule and geographical location he can’t indulge that part of his nature. So, he becomes a learned introvert because of social isolation.

Learned introversion is also encouraged through technology. Frankly, the nerds won the social interaction game. Online dating, online chatting, and texting have all lessened a man’s social skills. Fold in online porn and video games and the situation gets even worse. There was once a time of dinner parties, social clubs, even local bars. Those times have faded and the consequence is a serious decrease in a man’s social skills.

I know that many guys will understand this situation. I’ve been there as well. Describing and identifying with the situation is the easy part. The real challenge is fixing the situation. The biggest problem is social inertia. It’s too easy for a man to be stuck in a social rut. Again, this is understandable. Here come some fixes for you guys:

1. As I have said many, many times before… get out of the house! Yes, I know this is a facile thing to say. But for a learned introvert this is not so difficult. It’s just a matter of remembering what you once did way back before marriage and divorce. There are some caveats here. Don’t go to nightclubs unless they are age specific! If you want to be pitching woo to way younger women, the average nightclub is a bad idea.

2. Technology can be your friend. This is counter intuitive based on what I wrote just a few paragraphs previously. I’m not referring to online dating. I’m referring to Meetup.com and other websites or forums where like-minded individuals have the opportunity to meet in real life. This doesn’t have to be about singles groups, it can be about any enthusiasm. Such meet ups are all about social interaction. Use them.

3. Re-learn some social skills. Interacting with people outside of work and family is not easy if a man hasn’t done this for years, possibly decades. Here’s the common resource I’ve pitched for a while.  The best way to re-learn is to be social once again.

4. Be actively social by inviting people over to your place, someplace public, some type of event. This could be a happy hour or a meet up somewhere else. In effect, host a social event on your own. If you have female friends, ask them to help (they should be thrilled!). Being the host of any social event creates automatic pre-selection. The women will respond to that in a very good way.

Notice that I’ve not mentioned picking up women or the other skills of attraction. The post-divorce man must first get out in public and end his learned introversion. Then, and only then, can he deal with the realities of meeting women and dating. Fortunately, that’s a social skill set that can be learned.

[If you found this post useful, you can directly support my efforts through my Patreon endeavor. Thanks!]

A Man’s Adversity Is His Test For Women

As everyone knows, I’m dealing with a serious medical condition that’s ultimately fatal. Very recent changes to my health status have made things even more challenging. When I get the results from some medical tests, I’ll share here.

When I tell the women in my life about all this, I get some interesting responses. Most women simply don’t want hear my bad news. This doesn’t suprise me and nor does it bother me. As I have learned about human behavior I have also learned that women are mostly selfish. They want life to be about themselves. It’s a solipsistic point of view. A man facing serious stuff is a boat anchor on their lives.

Again, this doesn’t bother me. It’s my job to deal with the adversities that face me. But I’ve found it very illuminating regarding how the women in my life react to what I’m going through. The few who really care are incredibly sympathetic and supportive, even it’s beyond their comfort zone. These women really do care and it’s comforting to me. The rest… eh, they’ve made their motivations clear. Relationship material, they are not, even as friends.

There are two take-aways from my unique experiences:

1. Men should shut the hell up about their adversities when talking to women even if those women claim to be friends. Yes, this is cold and tough advice. However, there is a caveat here. If a man has faced an adversity and overcome it, he can bring it up. He shouldn’t make a huge deal of it. Rather, it should be a subject mentioned in passing.

2. If a woman is not emotionally invested in you, she will not care about your adversities unless you’ve overcome those adversities. She only wants to be entertained by you or that you are generous with her. Without that emotional investment, she will completely eschew your travails because, fundamentally, it’s all about her, solipsism 101.

As I’m over a certain age, I have gained insight into women also of a certain age. Many times I’ve read about the complaints from single women regarding men – “All they [men] want is simply a nurse or a purse”. That’s honest and understandable. On the flip side, men simply want youth and beauty, regardless of the men’s age or health. But he must have something to offer just as the women must have something to offer.

The War Between The Sexes

I’ve heard this expression often over the past couple of decades. This is the concept that men and women are involved in some type of conflict over ideology, politics, and interpersonal relationships. There is a lot truth to that. As is patently obvious, men and women are different. Such differences result in conflicts.

Yet, men and women want and need each other. Politics and ideology must be dismissed when it comes to interpersonal relationships ‘twixt the sexes. Such a dismissal would reduce the war between the sexes to something more manageable. Ideology and politics have no business in personal relationships. Social justice warriors (SJWs) keep on trying to insert ideology into personal relationships. That’s a huge source of conflict between the sexes.

I have huge pity for the younger generation that must deal with current ideological expectations vis a vis interpersonal relationships with the opposite sex. It has become very polarized but not one sex against the other. Rather, the sexes – male and female – are divided into separate camps, two groups of men, two groups of women. And such polarization is not age-dependent.

It works something like this… the two groups of men consist of those with confidence and charisma (learned or natural) and those without. One group is noticed by women, the other group is ignored by women. There are ways for women to actually notice those invisible men. But frankly, it’s up to men to be noticed. It can be learned and it can be accomplished. Here’s a good start: www.succeedsocially.com. Being invisible to women is what the majority of men must cope with.

As for women, the two camps are divided as well. One group of women wants to be “strong and independent”, in effect, more masculine. The other camp, the much smaller one, is all about being being feminine. It’s easy to observe the first camp of women, especially from online dating profiles. They describes themselves with masculine words. They also highlight their travels and other achievements that don’t raise her attractiveness to high value men. The feminine women are noticed by men.

Men looking to be more noticeable to women have to watch out for the vicious cycle of lies and misinformation.  This cycle has resulted in something of an psychological arms race where women up their masculinity because they believe (through projection) that men are attracted to masculine women. Guys have to then increase their masculinity even more.

This is an untenable cultural situation. Google up some Maureen Dowd to see how this end game plays out. No one is content except the top-flight Alpha guys who can play the field with a huge age range of women. The high achieving women – in a man’s world – limit more and more of their relationship options as they move up the capitalistic and educational food chain. My dating coach peer, Evan Marc Katz, deals with this constantly. . Another peer, Bobbi Palmer, also copes with this same problem.  Both of these dating coaches have all-female clients: high achieving single women looking to meet their relationship goals.

For guys, the takeaway is this: When doing online dating always look for more feminine profiles. Eschew profiles that use the code-words of bossy and domineering women.  For real life, pay attention to women who make an effort to appear feminine. They may not have perfect figures or faces, but femininity is profoundly alluring and such women almost demand your attention, even if a simple “hello” along with some honest eye contact.

For women, the advice is simple and blunt: Men are not attracted to masculine women. You dames know what to do.

The war between the sexes can easily be reduced to a minor skirmish.

A Most Amazing Comment

[Not too long ago I published one of my blog’s early posts about what men want from women. One of my lurking female readers made an incredible comment that I’m publishing, with her permission, below. I’m not adding any commentary because the comment’s value stands by itself. It’s a very personal comment and I’m tremendously thankful for her input into my blog.

Oh, and she thinks I’m cute.]

I relish this blog. I read the posts and reader comments that truthfully make me wince, but, provide perspective on a topic that is personally relevant for a couple reasons.

The first, is relevance with regards to my future. I am a 46 year old woman who has been married and has grown children. Frankly, I did not manage my marital relationship well as a young woman who married a man who was 30 when I was 19. He treated me well, was an excellent provider and good father. 10 years into the marriage, at 29, I was guilty of having many of the traits echoed within the words I read, here. Despite having recognized it, the damage had been done. Today, I am willing to accept that I will likely never marry, again. Since I am of the opinion that marriage is the domain for establishing a family and home, marrying at this stage in my life or beyond wouldn’t serve any social purpose. Perhaps, it would be offered as a gesture of some other kind, but, even if it were, I would need to consider carefully.

I don’t believe I was fit to marry when I did with what I knew. The role model I had was a woman who embraced the values of pop culture circa 1969-1979. I was a latch-key kid. My mother was the epitome of the disasters of feminism. To an extent, I was a casualty of her example. At some point, information became available and if I was given sufficient intelligence to evaluate this information, then it was my responsibility to determine what I would do with it.
Truth is often not palatable. It is easy enough to rationalize oneself all around it without ever aligning to it. The problem of course is that a person unaligned with the truth is by definition off point. The truth is a straight line that doesn’t deviate. It serves as the ultimate measure of oneself. No wonder it’s not often a welcome visitor.

In any event, by failing in marriage I failed as a mother. That’s simply the truth. My children suffered as a result of my not being competent for marriage and raising a family within it. I cannot go back in time and apply the information I have, today, to what was already done. However, what I can do is raise my voice and tell my daughters what they must know if they expect to successfully marry and raise children of their own. This is an example of some of what I have actually instructed to my daughters:

1. Have and show respect for yourself and for others. Don’t waste anyone’s time, including your own, indulging what is in fact petty and unimportant. Feelings are not facts. Emotions are fluid. They change sometimes for reasons that are unrelated to whatever it is you have assigned them to. Therefore, check yourself before demanding anyone spend time addressing your emotional states. You’re confused when emotional and will only confuse the other person. Get clear on managing your feelings before attempting to introduce facts. Remember, feelings are not facts. Your feeling bad does not make it fact that what you have bad feelings about is bad.
It may or may not be. Feelings are useful as instruments to guide your initial sense of direction towards that discovery but they are only as useful as they are correctly understood.

2. If you want to have a happy marriage to a man you find desireable, you cannot expect from him what you should be finding in your relationships with other women. Your husband is not your best girl friend. If he is, you can expect that eventually the marriage will fail because one day you will think you married someone you no longer desire. This will be your fault. You married a man and then expected him to perform as a woman. What did you expect would happen once the man you once desired for being masculine was emasculated by your demands from him to be more like a woman? Don’t go to the hardware store to buy bread. Whatever it is that is satisfied by your friendships with women needs to remain there. Not in your marriage. Similarly, don’t expect to fulfill the role of being a man’s best buddy. Men need to have relationships with other men and you don’t need to like or understand them. You do need to honor and respect those that are made.

3. Sex is not a weapon. It is not a bargaining device. Sex is not owned by you once you marry because you can refuse it. You better get this straight in your head: during marriage, sex is a mutually owned venture. It feeds the engine of your marriage. If you intend on staying married to a man you desire and who wants to remain married to you, you will be generous when feeding the marriage. Sex is the gift of renewal to a married man. It tells him he is on track. He’s man enough for the job. He can slay tigers and conquer enemies. Refuse a man this and you can expect him to eventually leave where he isn’t appreciated.

4. Men and women desire one another for their differences. Men, generally, are attracted to women because of their femininity. Being feminine is neither a weakness nor a tool for manipulation. To be feminine, simply, is to embrace those unique qualities inherent to being female: soft, relationship conscious, loving & alluring. This isn’t to suggest that men are not loving, alluring, etc.. It is to emphasize that men do not desire (generally, and this is speaking to heterosexual men) what is considered masculine, such as physical strength, competetiveness, solution oriented and territorial. It is counter-productive to compete with a man you are in a committed relationship with. Men compete to win. That means a man is wired to crush his opponent. Avoid being your partner’s opponent.

5. Emotional blackmail, like desperation, is not a good look on anyone. Check your motives. Check your words and behavior. Have integrity. Sometimes, women may resort to verbal weapons because this is perceived as a substitute strength. Most women would be at a physical disadvantage if they managed their disputes with men via fist fights. Men, in general, are simply physically larger and stronger. However, consider this: if the relationship requires your employing weapons to manage it, you may be failing your relationship by being the creator of discord that was avoidable. Just think about it when you find yourself sabotaging your relationship with your words.

Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? What’s actually important?

I appreciate the forum and thank you for the opportunity to contribute an additional voice.

 

 

Small Talk And Uber

I am a huge fan and a big consumer of Uber, the car and driver hire service.  If you don’t have Uber in your city, I really hope it gets there soon. My experience has been universally positive since I started using the service last August. Uber has made my life without personal transportation in South Florida completely possible. The cell phone app works very well and the costs are modest for me. That being said, surge pricing can make things more expensive. The rating system of drivers and riders is phenomenal.

I’m motivated to write about Uber because the company is threatening to pull out of Broward County over proposed measures that would effectively force Uber out of the county, as the company has threatened.  I really don’t want that to happen because I think I’ll be using Uber for years to come.

Politics aside, Uber is a great social opportunity. Chatting with the driver is a great time to flex your social skills. It’s purely idle chit chat, small talk at its smallest. There is no agenda except to be friendly. Here in South Florida, the Uber drivers are a very eclectic bunch representing many cultures and ages. Indeed, I’ve had several female Uber drivers. The woman from Bengladesh I’ve had drive me several times. Her brother-in-law is also an Uber driver and he’s driven me, as well.

I always attempt to verbally engage the Uber driver. Sometimes it’s challenging because of accents and language issues but I really make a serious effort. Talking to people from other cultures and who’s native language is not English is a great conversational challenge. I’ve got a standard opening for Uber drivers, “So, how is Uber working for you?” The answer is always polite but it’s a great opening question. Showing interest in another person, even a complete stranger, is a very charismatic social skill. People love to talk about themselves and the stories from all these Uber drivers has been riveting for me.

I know a lot of guys bitch and moan about “small talk” and how they loathe it. That attitude gets neither pity nor understanding from me. Small talk is the both the social glue and social lubrication that keep us human and not degenerating into savagery. Small talk is what gets people talking. Small talk is how men can approach women without being a blowhard.  Small talk is a phenomenal opportunity to be witty and charismatic. And with an Uber ride (always sit up front), there’s a fully functioning adult right next to you who probably wants some small talk, too.

Ladies, Compliment Him

As many of my readers know, I’m on Twitter. I follow over 1,000 accounts, including many dating coaches. One of my favorites is Bobbi Palmer, based in California. She wrote in a 2012 blog post,  “10 Tips for Talking to Men

Number seven is particularly relevant here.

7.   Compliment him.
I bet you do this with just about every woman you meet. Men love to be complimented, yet women rarely do it. Be the gal who tells him he picked a great restaurant, looks hot in his black jacket or cracked a great joke. Tell him you 100% agree with something he says. Complimenting men on their mind and wit is usually far better received that doing so on their appearance. [Especially at our age!]

I thenTweeted about that:

Men love to be complimented yet so few women do it. #facepalm #dating

I got some good follow ups from that, this from :

it’s always struck me as odd how miserly women can be with compliments

Here’s a Tweet from very cool Twitter follower,

Gave my best male friend a series of compliments last night on phone, no reason. He was totally stunned.

Yup, men aren’t used to such things. I know that Mina was genuine with her compliments and I’m positive that she’s positively effusive when gives her husband compliments.

I can speak from experience on this. The women I became the most drawn to and most emotionally invested with are the ones who willingly and happily gave me compliments. That made me feel good. The others, I can’t even remember their names at this point. Guys, look at it this way, she may kiss you and sex you up, but if she’s not complimenting you in any way, she’s simply not into you.

Consider these two post-coital phrases uttered by the dame:

“That was wonderful!”

“You are wonderful!”

There’s a huge difference there and men must know the difference. The first phrase is about her. The second phrase is about him. That second phrase, my dear readers, is what men should be looking for regarding something long term – if that’s what you want.

Rollo, from The Rational Male blog (and books), had a very interesting Tweet that somewhat disagreed with my about compliments assertion.

“Compliments = IOIs [Indicators Of her Interest in the man). 80%+ of men are Betas, thus compliments are a rare. Can’t have Betas get the wrong ideas.”

I definitely see his point. It’s true that women are only attracted to the top 10% of men. Consider the Fuck, Marry, Kill game. If complimenting that top 10% gets a lady what she wants, why bother with the rest?

The problem with this is age. That game is great for 20 and 30 somethings. Once the Rubicon of 45ish is passed, everything changes. That middle group of “marry” starts looking a whole lot more attractive. But if a woman is only used to complimenting the top 10%, that yellow category gets rather jaundiced. Worse, they learn to become middle aged Lotharios or simply vanish from the dating scene because of social isolation. Women do the same, unaware that a simple and pleasant compliment to a man can do wonders for him. Remember this?

That total stranger’s random compliment to me then motivated me to blog about it. It was a completely and brief encounter that I still remember after over three years. I’d still recognize that woman even now. She had some serious woman-game going on.

What’s wrong with reinforcing a man’s confidence through a compliment? Women adore confident men. The compliment is the opposite of the shit test where a woman tests the mans adversity by artificially creating that adversity by herself. Ladies, we’re post divorce now. You’re too old for that terrible emotional fuckery you perpetrated before things got, well, older. You know exactly what I mean.

However, a compliment to a man isn’t always genuine, some men know this. The first conundrum lies in the exploitation problem. A woman may compliment you merely because she wants something from you other than romance and intimacy. Rather the compliment is awfully disingenuous collection of words meant has barely hid emotional manipulation. White Knights are incredibly susceptible to this. “Oh, Brad, you’re so strong and I really need help moving this weekend.” Brad, the fucking moron, finds himself walking up and down three flights of stairs with heavy furniture and boxes, all for a manipulative compliment while his desire for intimacy is selfishing exploited by cupcake.

All is not lost, thankfully. Another form of compliment is spontaneous and genuine physical affection with a man. It doesn’t have to be a night of wild passions, in can be a simple manner of holding his thigh when you’re sitting with him at a restaurant. Better yet, a spontaneous – even if brief – kiss on the lips will do it. Ladies, compliment your attraction to him by being physically affectionate to him. This ain’t rocket science. Human beings are predictable.

The second conundrum is the man can’t ask for such compliments, especially through passive means.  If a guy’s been on a 5th or 6th with a woman where there is clearly mutual attraction and vibrant (if only potentially for now, sexuality), he still has to maintain his frame. “So what do you like about me?” is the question a woman asks, never a man. Such a question from a man kills the ladyboner faster than his impending layoff from work. A confident man makes statements. “I know why you like dating and I know you’re going to tell me in the next five minutes.” Her answer might be something like, “you’re an arrogant jerk!”. But all the while she’s massaging your thigh and smirking. The smirk and thigh rub were the response, you bonehead! Actions over words.

In conclusion, women must stop being so miserly with their compliments towards men, especially in the context of attraction and dating. Ladies, a compliment won’t lead to an awkward rejection later on, especially if you’ve decided to a good guy. There are zillions of them out there, they’re just invisible to you. Thankfully, I have a cure for that.

For The Women – Girl Game

There was a relatively short-lived blog named “LaidNYC” that existed in 2013 and 2014. The blog is gone but the posts are still floating around the Manosphere in a variety of forms.  The original blog was primarily aimed at men. However, the post below was written for women. The advice is sound, if not a bit difficult for women to read. It’s worth it.

In game blogs, it is often asserted that women can’t have game beyond some gold-digging exceptions. I disagree. The problem is guys who make that claim are looking at it through the lens of ”guy goals” of money and sex. Sure, there is little a girl can do in that regard besides find a sucker and be a hot slut.

However, girls are more concerned with getting a man to bond to her on a deep level and acquire his love. For that, there are some things she can do.

Girls, Lets get two things out of the way first:

90 % of your appeal to men is your looks. If you don’t have the genes, this can suck but you have to do what you can: Stay thin, wear makeup, keep your hair stylish and dress to look good, not to assert your status to women.

Fear the wall. Do everything you can to delay or lessen the blow of the wall through healthy living, but know it is coming. Know that you will be gross and undesirable long before your male peers. This is not fair. This sucks. But you must accept it.

But enough about your looks, you shallow, superficial woman! What about your personality?

Act like the guys you aren’t attracted to. For example, a guy who brings gifts to a woman before sex will surely not to get laid. How about the other way around? A girl once brought me a little keepsake on our second date. ”I got this for you”, she giggled. It was a little painted figurine of something we had talked about on our first date. Nothing special or valuable. Yet I keep it in my ”girl box” full of memories of girls past, like slips of paper with phone numbers, birthday cards, panties, etc. I never slept with her (her choice), yet I still think about her sometimes.

Know how to compliment a man. For every time you call a man nice, sweet, and sensitive, tell him ten times that he’s confident, a leader, funny, charming, handsome, manly, ambitious, and athletic. Men instinctively know nice guys get cuckolded. The first girl to ever reject him probably told him he was nice. Being nice is bad. Even if he is nice to you, that is not how he wants to be defined. Show him you see him how he wants to be seen.

Leave cute notes for him to find. My favorite thing a girl has ever done for me was leave a note in my underwear drawer that said ”Roses are red, violets are blue, I like having sex with you <3”. It doesn’t even have to be a sexual note. A simple note reading ”I did your dishes babe, *muah*” gets the job done just fine. Girliness of handwriting counts. Write in pink or purple ink/marker. It is my educated opinion after years of dating that American girls need some serious work on their note-writing game.

To the guys: Steal this tactic. Girls I date now get lustful Post-it scribbles from me inside their panties and bras.

Girl up your voice. High, feminine voices are heart-melting. I have a voicemail from an old fling saved on my hard drive. She wasn’t saying anything special, just calling to make plans, but her voice was so sweet and girly that I can still listen to it and enjoy her essence. What if your voice isn’t high? If you smoke, quit. You sound like a gravely road. If you don’t smoke and your voice is not pure girl, consider some voice/singing lessons so you can better control it.

Let him do things for you, then show appreciation. The key: Have him do masculine things, not emasculating things. Ask if he’ll help check your oil or protect you from something. Don’t ask him to hold your purse or run to the store for you. He should feel like a protector filling masculine gender roles, not a servant doing a butler’s job. When he does something for you, show genuine appreciation. He’d prefer it be sexual in nature, but it doesn’t have to be. A sincere thank you is bare minimum.

Men want to be men, give him the opportunity.

Present authentic emotion. I once had the First Big Fight with a girl I had been dating for about four months. When it became clear to her that she was wrong and I really was considering leaving her, she kneeled in front of me, tears streaming down her face like a faucet, begging me not to leave her.
I saw passion. Deep emotional capacity. Modesty. Willingness to submit. Real fear of losing me. Until that moment, I really didn’t know I meant so much to her. I didn’t leave her. It brought us closer together.

Some might say ”she manipulated you by crying”. Nah. A man with enough experience can tell the difference. Not all tears are manipulative but there’s a reason women try to use manipulative tears: Men respond to real tears.

The corollary of course:

Cut out the fake tears. If you cry to manipulate and play the victim, you won’t respect the man who falls for it, and you will piss off the man who doesn’t.

Cook, clean, sew. Fill the feminine void in a man’s life. If he loses a button, you say I can fix that for you. You always have a new recipe you want him to try. You bake him and his friends chocolate chip cookies just because. Your first reaction when you go to his place isn’t to plop on the couch, it is to clean the kitchen.

Be sunshine. Brooding men are hot. Brooding women look infertile. Starting today, your default emotion is happiness. Your default facial expression is a smile. You treat people pleasantly and sweetly. You do not make sarcastic jokes. You laugh at other people’s jokes. You giggle. You don’t engage in serious or negative conversations. You are a ray of sunshine and you do not care if people who are less happy judge you for being happy.

Earn trust. There’s sexual trust, and there’s verbal trust. You need to earn both. For one, he needs to know you won’t sleep around on him. One way to show this is by not sleeping with him too fast. Men instinctively know that girls who spread their legs quickly for them spread their legs quickly for other men as well. He also needs to know you won’t spill any secret he tells you in confidence. This is, I believe, the rarest quality for a girl to have. I’m not sure I’ve ever fully trusted a girl in this regard, not even my own mother. If you are a trustworthy girl who does not gossip you are worth your weight in princess cut diamonds.

Avoid projection at all costs. Women are attracted to leadership, humor, status and ambition in their men, so some girls falsely believe they can attract men by being ambitious and status-driven. This does not work. The feminine attracts the masculine. To attract a man, do not act like a man.
I’m not just being hard on you here, girls. Men are guilty of projection as well. Beta males want girls to be devoted and emotional towards them, so they give out their emotions and devotion easily. Men are very attracted to looks so we end up with chest-shaving metrosexuals. Men are just as guilty of projection in this area as women.

A word on clinginess. If a guy thinks you’re ”clingy”, he’s just not that into you. Remember Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers alerting of a ”Stage 5 Virgin Clinger”? This was a problem because he wanted to fuck her and leave her as soon as possible. If your goal is to be fucked and chucked, then by all means present yourself as time-free pussy. If not, cling a little. Take some intiative in texting him. Give a little PDA. Show him you want to spend time with him.

I’m not saying become an obsessive stalker, but when a man is looking for a girlfriend, a little clinginess is much better than the alternative. Players don’t want the emotional commitment that clinginess signals. Boyfriend material does. The hotter a guy thinks you are and the more he wants to keep you around, the less of a problem your clinginess is.

Go forth and girlify.

Things I Hate

I’m normally a fairly optimistic and happy guy. I try to give good information to post-divorce singles about the tough experience of attraction and dating advice. I really do want singles to meet their relationship goals. It’s tough all around. I know this. I’ve been through this. So, sometimes optimism can get cloudy. This is one of those times.

Here it comes, things that I hate. Hate is a strong word but I stand by it. Do know that I follow cultural trends I see what is going on in our society so some of that will be in the list.

1. This. For obvious reasons.

2. Social justice warriors. These people are complete scum in the stupid way that all ideologues are complete scum. These people want anyone disagreeing with them to die. Thankfully, they are all mentally ill. They are all seriously mentally ill. I just hope that the world will realize that soon.

3. Human behavioral predictability. Complex western culture? Fuck you. I can say certain words and be guaranteed certain results [All. The. Fucking. Time.]. I can do certain things and be guaranteed the same thing through my actions. Damn… This is the worst of it. Bring on the extraterrestials, I’m bored.

4. Hypergamy. Yeah, this is real. But it doesn’t mean I don’t hate it. I’m happy to offer affection, passion, and intimacy. But I can’t offer material and social provisions so I have to be the most charismatic man on the planet. That’s exhausting! And my dog needs to be walked. Good dog.

5. Willfully ignorant men who don’t understand that attraction to women has subtlety. Yeah, the green light guys can mostly do whatever they want to get their dick’s wet. But that’s the small minority. The yellow zone guys have to get their shit together in order to improve themselves. Unfortunately, they mostly don’t have a clue.

6. Women who demand too much from potential dates. Ladies, here’s the question that you despise: What do you offer that a man wants? Hmmmm, tough question, no? Call your local dating coach and you’ll be asked the same question. Here’s the catch, you’ll be charged cash money for that question. Oh, the irony!

EDIT –

7. White knights. These guys maintain women’s sometimes shitty behavior by protecting them from their own consequences. Theirs is the worst form of chivalry.

Small Town, Shame – Big City, Technology

I follow cultural trends that specifically relate to attraction and dating. I follow a great variety of forums and websites that relate specifically to these subjects. Of course I follow online dating trends. Reading my favorite motorcycle forum, I found this interesting scenario:

My brother in law had a years-long affair. Other than getting divorced, there have been no social or cultural consequences. Everybody in his office knew he was having an affair because she worked there too. They both still work there. His kids still love him. His family still loves him. I still love him. I honestly don’t even really give a shit that he had an affair. Nobody treats him any differently at all.

There were financial consequences because he made a lot more money in the marriage, but that’s all.

[His recent follow up to clarify some:] People were surprised and disappointed at first. My point is that after a few years, it’s barely a blip on the radar.

I have read a fair bit of contemporary American social history (fascinating stuff but not enough available material). Back in the day when a person committed a social transgression, the family and local community applied shame. It was a blunt but effective way of punishing the person for that particular transgression. Sometimes, actions accompanied that shame. Merchants would not extend credit and the local country club would rescind a membership. The social repercussions would last for a long time, perhaps even requiring the person to move away. Such potential shame served to keep individual impulsivity in check. It was crude, but effective. It also only worked in communities where there were strong social connections.

We’re city folks now. The social connections are far weaker and far more temporary for any kind of social shame to be seriously effective. As well, the current socio-political landscape is that of “never judge anyone for any reason!” Nice, that removes social consequences from one’s individual actions. That’s a bonus for PUAs and young women who are “sponsored”. For the rest of us, this presents a challenge in the attraction and dating landscape. We want to meet good people of good character but there are not enough community social connections to verify “social proof”. That’s a PUA term and is incredibly accurate here.

Online dating complicates everything even more. Profiles can be faked. Descriptions lied about. Words made up or completely ghost-written by paid professionals. Now there is “catfishing”. It’s madness because of the lack of social physical connections. We are being reduced to technological connections. But with dating, there has to be a transition from the technological to real life. After all, the purpose of online dating is to stop online dating. There is where reality gets, well, real. Married daters, mental illness, addiction, stalkers, criminal pasts, serious financial issues… all these red flags can be well hidden in a profile. Back in the day, the community knew things about a person and shared this information (even if inaccurate, sadly). It served as a good filter well before an actual date might even take place.

There’s the social connection disconnect that technology might be able to help with. Never forget that human beings are social creatures and we crave that connection, preferably in person so we can hear voices, see gestures, read body language. We are also incredibly judgmental about others, particularly those who might become an intimate partner. Is this how is should be? It doesn’t matter, it’s how it is.

Technology is not a panacea at all. There are enormous technological hurdles to surmount. Actually, the first problem is the issue of photos. Are they real? Are they recent? In a previous blog post I suggested some new technology features to online dating that might help with something as simple – and significant – as an accurate and recent photo. It’s number five in my list on the post.

Online dating businesses are put in an extremely precarious situation. Given all the lies and lies by omission, how could any company verify the profiles of millions of people who post up information in a profile? Certainly some algorithms could work on profile photos. And it’s possible to scan for marriage/divorce records in certain county court systems. But how is it possible to screen for mental illness or addiction issues before going on an actual date? Many laws appropriately protect privacy. But when the date actually happens, privacy is an enormous issue. Is the online dating company liable for lies and lies by omission on profiles?

While I’m not a lawyer, I can still imagine where a single, raving loon with an online dating profile could take down the entire industry with a single lawsuit from a victim. Worse, a class action lawsuit could be arranged and the punitive (and legal) costs would destroy online dating. Of course, the unintended consequence of that would be to force singles to meet each other the old fashioned way – in person. Anyone wonder why Meetup.com singles groups have grown so much?

The Special Snowflake Phenomenon

One of the key concepts behind Manosphere and Red Pill wisdom is that human behavior – especially as it deals with attraction and courtship – is incredibly predictable. Fundamentally, there are no special snowflakes when it comes to the species that is homo sapiens. If I want a woman to be more attracted to me, I praise her uniqueness as an individual. If I want to drive her away, I describe her predictable nature as a woman. This has never failed me. Ever.

However, there is an additional irony. If you describe her predictable nature, she will try even harder to be unique so as to attract you. But mostly, all she has is her sexuality and that makes her even more predictable. #facepalm. However, if a woman understood that femininity is a total package, she could do very well in the courtship market.

So here’s my advice to men: During the attraction phase, ease up on the generalizations about the astounding predictability of women. After all, she’s a special snowflake. When she starts to get too comfortable and attempt the inevitable pull-back, gear up on the generalizations about women because she will work extra hard to be your special snowflake. If you think this is too much work, get a dog and shut the hell up about your problems with women. Oh, and get out of the house. I’m tired of reading of middle age women making the effort of being social and only a handful of men are attending those events.

This advice is not about being emotionally manipulative. This is about understanding basic human nature and using it to meet your relationship goals. She’s doing it too, she’s just completely and utterly unaware of what she’s doing or even why. A smart man simply must learn this inter-sex dynamic and use it to his advantage. To not do so is the sign of a weak, supplicating, and obsequious man. Women loathe that even more than the generalizations about universal feminine behavior.

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