A Blog Milestone

Hooray, Me!

Actually, it’s hooray to my readers and commenters. It’s been three and a half years of blogging. This project started almost as an impulse. I didn’t have any huge plans. It started because writers write. With print publishing dying, writers like me need a place to showcase the words. My portfolio of printed words is large but that goes back to pre-Internet days. When writers toiled for printed publications, the money was short and the editorial supervision was heavy handed.

Very, very few bloggers make a living at this. I don’t even try. The donations have been  welcome, of course. Basically, I just like writing the words of a middle age guy going through some stuff and sharing ideas with the Manosphere. I do enjoy being part of this fractious community.

My involvement in social media is mostly focused on this blog and Twitter.  My Facebook account has cobwebs on it. For some reason, the thought of Instagram sickens me. I only think about Tumblr when I’m on the toilet. But I do participate in Reddit. I even did an “Ask me anything” (AMA) event there. I also check out the Roosh V forum. There are some very intelligent guys there.

As for Twitter, I think it’s great. Being limited in characters means having to be very careful with one’s words and punctuation. I’ve been on Twitter for about three years. I thank Sean Connery for letting me use his image. According to one female acquaintance, I actually resemble him.

Blogging is rewarding for me. Of course, I need more comments! Um, that’s a hint.

 

 

 

An Instant Messaging Interlude

While I’ve been rather chilly towards online dating in the past few months, I haven’t backed away from it completely. I have a mostly inactive Plenty of Fish account that I use to reading womens’ profiles. Out of curiosity and demographic honesty, I actually checked out a somewhat new online dating website, OurTime. I created an account, copied over some of my PoF profile text, put up some photos (not the gun photo). I actually paid for a month to get all the premium features.

I’ve been logging in every couple of days for the past two weeks to get a sense of the singles online more into my demographic. The Ourtime user interface has some minor issues but is generally easy to use. There are visual indicators of who has viewed my profile along with the usual messaging features. My profile has gotten a lot of attention. This is probably because I’m the new kid on the block and my profile is pretty good. I’ve gotten about 20 flirts and pre-populated incoming messages. Over 200 women have viewed my profile. Every woman claims to be in her 50s. As is common, I’m only attracted to about 20% of those expressing interest in my profile.

A couple of women have been rather persistent with multiple emails, flirts, liking photos, etc. If I’m not attracted, I just ignore. If I’m attracted I reply with a quick message and introduce myself just to see if their interest is honest. Sometimes, my return messages are ignored. This is one of the many negative points regarding online dating. Interest is expressed, returned interest is ignored.

One woman actually sent me a long message. She wrote that she was under the impression my profile was satire. I responded that I was being serious about my writing for post-divorce singles. We corresponded back and forth a couple of times, nothing particularly romantic, just some words about attraction and dating in general. Very recently, I noticed she was online and available for instant messaging through Ourtime. Being a writer, I likes me to do some instant messaging.

We started a instant messaging conversation. The initial topic was about the geography problem with the website. While she is local to me, I get many matches from all over the country. At this point, she subtly escalated me. I accepted that escalation. Here’s the unedited and relevant part of our online conversation:

Her: So you wouldn’t travel a long way for a date?

Me: lol… Not a chance, there are 5 million people in this part of Florida.

Her: How many of them are females lurking around the corner for you?

Me: This question I will never answer. Discretion is the better part of valor.

Her: Under cover dating agent. badboy007 love it

Me: Actually, not undercover at all. I make no secret of my writing endeavors.

Her: You mean you are an agent that does not wants to be under the covers

Me: Hehehehe… I like your style. If you want to trade verbal moves, you have met your match.

Her: You think so? Maybe I did or maybe you did

Me: Oh, you can do so much better. Turn in your college degree and get a refund.

Her: I did and they gave it to me to pledge it to the less fortunate on Ourtime

Me: That was good.

Her: You can thank me now”-)

Me: I give you two points. That’s as far as my gratitude goes. I have very high standards.

Her: 2 points -How low can you go?

Me: I said HIGH standards. Ask about points 3 and above.

Her: asking about your point system now

Me: 1 point is maintaining my interest. 2 points is engaging me with the tit a tat with words. 3 points is making me hit google for quotes. 4 points is want to meet in person because of words and stuff. 5 points is a second date.

At that point, she logged off. Then I logged off.

She did log back in later and sent this IM:

“Sorry I had to log off I was called away. I got to point 4. Does this mean you want to have words with me?”

This woman was raised overseas so I’m sure she doesn’t fully understand the English idiom “Have words with”. The ball is my court now.

This brief back and forth between us shows some key elements in attraction and communication between the sexes, even if online. One of the lessons here is that a man must maintain frame and confidence. This means he controls the ebb and flow of the conversation. This is easy online because there are no body language and voice inflection issues. Those are just words on a screen. But frame, flirtation, and escalation can certainly happen in this communications medium.

This women is somewhat older than me and yet responded like a much younger woman. The rules of attraction do not change significantly with age. This is an important lesson for my male readers. 25 or 65, men can deal successfully with women in the context of attraction and dating if men know the essential truths.

UPDATE: This woman sent me a message yesterday with a mildly entertaining joke. I responded by continuing to qualify her with that point system. I double downed. In our subsequent IM chat later in the evening she was clearly pissed off, obviously not used to a man continuing to qualify her. I might post that IM chat log. Stay tuned.

Observations At The New Job

I’ve recently taken a new, full-time contract job in Miami. The contracting agency threw enough money at me to accept the very long commute. Where I work is not glamorous Miami. It’s the industrial part of Miami where warehouses and import-export businesses abound. The famous airport is less than a mile away. Topless girls on the beach are quite a few miles away. Despite it’s glamorous reputation, Miami does work pretty well, despite the fierce heat, congested streets, and the occasional alligator eating a house pet.

This is only the second time in my career where I’m working at a corporate headquarters of a huge multi-national company with billions in revenue and the highest profile in its industry, . Normally, I work on nerd farms surrounded by information technology (IT) people. I have no problem with IT people but they represent a stereotype that I found to be accurate. Being at a corporate headquarters means all departments needed to run a huge corporation are in the corporate campus. There are also at least 2,000 people working in the buildings

There are all sorts of people here. It’s a mix of ages, nationalities, languages, personality types, etc. Most everyone is friendly, relaxed, professional, and seem generally happy to work here. When I leave my cube to go to the cafeteria or have a smoke, I see far more social interaction than in the usual IT shop. It’s refreshing and improves my mood, as well. Human beings are social animals.

I make a point to casually observe how the women appear and act in this corporate environment. There are a lot of women here. All ages are represented and it’s a good snapshot of how age impacts a woman’s appearance. Time can be merciless. But I have seen The middle-aged guys working here all kind of look alike. I am convinced that a man’s physical looks plateaus at a certain age, perhaps around 40, and can stay that way for a decade or more.

There is also a very good cross section of how women dress themselves. This company is a bit unusual in that all the summer months are casual dress. The men take advantage of this by generally dressing very casually, including board shorts and sandals. The only exceptions are the many Italian guys who bring a certain European masculine fashion sense, even while casually dressed. But some of their sartorial expressions get dangerously close to hipsterism.

The women dress quite well despite it being casual dress summer. The reason for this is the Latin influence here. The stereotype that Latinas dress better than their American peers is basically true. So the situation is that in the fashion arms race here, the Latinas are usually better armed and the American women are playing catch up. I’ve notice that no matter the age if the figure supports it, the Latinas are far more likely to wear much tighter clothes and much higher heels or sandals.

When I’m observing all this, I have to ensure I don’t stare too much. This is actually really tough challenge given the current state of my eyesight. It takes my eyes quite a while to focus on a particular thing so I’m concerned my gaze is just a hair too long when I’m looking around. Maybe my gaze shows confidence, maybe I’ve crossed the Rubicon into the creepzone.

Yeah, Florida

If anyone asked me 15 years ago if I would ever live in South Florida, I would have said firmly “Hell no!” Yet here I have lived since 2003. This is a truly odd place. It’s so odd that Fark has its own category for Florida. Our local newspaper has a “FloriDUH” section.

How about a cat-eating snake? Yeah, we got one of those:

Details here.

How about Sharknado? We came close.

Few of my readers live down here. Irish Kevin and Tommy Red Shoes being the closest geographically. This means that I have to share the weirdness periodically so y’all get a sense of what happens here in the sticky summer heat of South Florida.

It’s taken about a decade for me to get used to this place. I understand its appeal to tourists in winter. Summer, however, will always be completely surreal here. Come on down!

Oh, here’s a picture of the beach:

 

Spreadsheet Husband

Now that the news of the Spreadsheet Husband, “SH”,  has faded and cooler minds can prevail, it’s my turn to weigh in. There’s a big caveat here, I rarely opine on relationship issues because my forte is attraction and dating. But this story I cannot ignore because many of my male readers can likely relate to SH’s frustrations with their sex lives while they were married or in a committed relationship. Here are some links for folks to catch up.

Reddit (Where it all started but has since been removed, comments are available)
Jezebel
Globe and Mail (Canada)
Us Magazine
People
NY Daily News
Huffington Post
Independent (UK)

The full list links is very long which shows just how sensitive this issue is. Where comments are available, it’s worth checking them out to a sense of how this struck such a nerve.

Here’s my input: I think Spreadsheet Husband did the right thing. He called out his wife on her unwillingness to help him enjoy his sexuality with her. He did it correctly. The spreadsheet was perfect, especially the log of the reasons why she turned him away. This put her on the serious defensive. So much so, she had to respond with the standard reasons for a sexless spell in their marriage and not simply denying the events. When he went silent on his wife during her business trip, he was adding the necessary exclamation point with “dread game“.

The response to this story was utterly predictable. He’s excoriated for being passive/aggressive. She’s supported because he’s, well, desirous of sex from his wife. Oh, that brute! The story originally broke on Reddit and that’s where the good comments are. Once the mainstream media picked up it up, the feminine imperative  erupted loudly and the focus quickly shifted to the sexual desires of women and the victimhood of this particular wife. This is yet another example of how the sexual desires of the man should be a lessor priority in the context of a committed relationship.

The angry reaction against SH simply showed that he was fundamentally right. His wife simply failed him, he pointed it out with unassailable documentation, and the rally-round-the-vag crowd went bananas. Hell, even the BroBible guys went after the husband. Nice white knighting, Bros. Let’s hope that’s not an editorial policy going forward.

This story is also a cautionary tale for men, especially men entering a marriage or live-in relationship situation. As a husband, a man has obligations and responsibilities but the wife, much less so. This applies in the bedroom, of course. Her sexual satisfaction is more important than his. This is the feminine imperative and it can often be unpleasant and unfair to men. As a peer pointed out, we don’t know how SH approached his wife for some sexy time. Perhaps he was supplicating and weak, a true turn-off for women. We also have to consider his sexual prowess, or lack thereof.

I hope that SH gets out of this sexless situation. Being rather cynical, I doubt that the wife will put on her big girl panties and recognize that what she did was wrong. I also suspect that SH will backpeddle and apologize profusely. There’s a good place to send him before divorce looms – Athol Kay’s website. If SH is not taking the lead in his sexual relationship with his wife, he won’t be taking the skin boat to tuna town on a regular basis.

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What, Chivalry Again?!

I look seriously askance at the concept of chivalry. I’ve made that no secret in my blog and my tweets. When Bring Chivalry Back surface on the web some months ago, I made my polite critique and moved on. My tweets on the subject aren’t so polite. The Chivalry Guy(TM) recently posted on his blog about how women need to step up their graciousness regarding the chivalrous gesture. Kudos, Chivalry Guy, kudos. I completely agree. The whole blog post is here but I’ll pull out some key paragraphs with my comments in bold.

“The very element of demanding it creates a dynamic that demeans the whole meaning behind it.  Chivalry brings with it a statement of a man considering women special and worthy of caring.  If all women want is the grunt work of having someone open the door for them or carry their bags or give up the seat on the subway, they are robbing it of the graciousness behind chivalry.”

Two things going on here, one I agree with, the other less so. A chivalrous gesture towards a woman who is important to a man is cool. Such a gesture towards an unknown woman is not cool. But Chivalry Guy is 100 percent correct about how graciousness is lost when women expect random men to be pack mules because chivalry. No, ladies, you don’t automatically receive a man’s sacrifice – no matter how small – unless you are willing to have some gratitude and delivered with graciousness.

“If chivalry comes just from demand and every guy would do it, how would one separate the wheat from the chaff? Rather than demand it, women would be better served to seek it, to hope for it, to attract it, to appreciate and cherish it.  By making it something to attract, they are energetically letting the universe know the kind of man they want to attract.”

It’s fairly clear what Chivalry Guy is getting to. He wants men to stand out from the crowd. That’s a fundamental element of masculine confidence and I agree with Herr Chiv. However, being chivalrous is not the way for a man to be distinctive. The current cultural landscape simply does not reward a man for being chivalrous because chivalry does not spark attraction in women. This is where Chivalry Guy and I part ways tactically. We agree on the strategy – a man must stand out – but disagree on how a man should go about doing that.

“There’s also a great difference between demanding and appreciating it.  When it’s expected as a requirement, it often becomes easy to diminish it or even forget to acknowledge the graciousness behind it.  I’ve seen numerous posts from men who will bemoan the fact that they held the door for several women and heard nary a “thank you.”  Those men begin to develop an attitude questioning whether they should even continue.”

As well they should question why continue with such gestures. Men have every right to expect at least a pleasant “thank you”. Men respond extremely well to incentives. Men also go the other way with enough disincentives. If there’s no incentive for being chivalrous, there won’t be any more chivalry. This puts the ball (hehe) squarely in the ladies’ court. It’s good that Chivalry Guy recognizes this. It would be very good if dating coaches started to encourage their clients to show some feminine graciousness when faced with an act of classic chivalry. Given the general state of cultural affairs where most men are completely invisible to women

Traditional chivalry is not coming back. In its place, an odd mix of pick-up artistry (PUA) and technology such as texting and online dating has evolved. Swipe right! Get laid tonight! The gallant gentleman is like a good buggy whip, well-crafted but totally outdated and unnecessary. But if Chivalry Guy wants to pitch chivalry as a masculine attraction point, good luck to him. I’d rather advise men on what actually works.

GI Joe Got It Right

In a recent email, a reader asked for some advice regarding making some changes to his life to help him meet his relationship goals. He’s somewhat like me in regards to profession, age, and general situation in life. I certainly empathized with him as I read his email. One of his major complaints was his history of being the NiceGuy®. Of course I recommended the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy” as a start to his way off that emotional trap.

As he was looking to get back into the dating scene and wasn’t real keen with trying online dating, I gave him my standard advice about finding live singles events in the cosmopolitan city where he lives. As is a technologist, I know full well how difficult that line of work is regarding building social skills. Somewhat related, his city – like mine – has a large number of tourists and these folks are excellent to work on social skills. Of course I recommended that he hit the tourist spots and strike up conversations.

Attending live singles events can yield some excellent results especially when being more of a passive observer that an extroverted fellow who happily meets others. Here is what I wrote on this: You have to become extremely self-aware of what you are doing in social situations. It will feel very weird in the beginning and you will likely not speak much fearing that you might revert to someone you were and not someone you want to be. By the way, hearing and analyzing how and what you say (even body language) is something of a Zen experience. But it can be done with practice.

Thankfully, there are two positives that come with being a good social observer:

1. Without yet being a serious participant in social interactions, this gives you the opportunity to watch social interactions in an appropriate context. This gives you the time to watch critically how men and women communicate. The subtle forms of non-verbal communication are extremely important to watch. Women, in particular, use non-verbal communication like a ninja uses a throwing star.

2. You will be perceived as mysterious and aloof and the dames actually like this. The body language you must project is that of amused/aloof mastery of the social scene. But if someone makes eye contact – man or woman – acknowledge that with a small chin rise and a pleasant “Hello”. It’s a social event and a conversation might actually break out. The horror! Hold your drink at your waist, dammit. The “drink shield” is a defensive posture. You’ll be dressing one level up from the rest of the guys, too. Finally, don’t stare, just observer with some degree of subtlety.

I must reiterate that this process is neither easy nor natural for most guys re-entering the dating scene. There will be awkward social moments at first. There might even be a social gaffe or two. If the guy can recognize what happened and why, that’s a huge step forward in re-learning some key social skills. You know the GI Joe cartoon from way back when? Yeah, “knowing is half the battle”.