The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “October, 2012”

The Running Of The Lurkers

Yesterday’s running of the lurkers (link below) proved extremely successful. I thank all the lurkers who de-cloaked to post a comment. I did respond to each and every one, if only with a few brief words. One comment rolled in that deserves special treatment. It’s from “anonymous” – a woman as she indicated in a previous comment – and it’s encouraging. Also, it serves to remind men that we are the gatekeepers to commitment. I’ve done some minor editing to make it a bit more readable.

No, thank you.

Your blog is helpful and we haven’t been treated harshly when we dare ask a question, unlike some sites, one in which I was really surprised at the attitude I encountered considering the poignant header. The anger turned my daughter off for a while, but drove me to find out what was behind it so I started searching.

Allow me to tell you and your gentlemen readers out there that all is not lost on American women. Some are getting it, look for them and reward their good behavior. I think intuitively young women are starting to wake up and realize the teachings of the previous generation were false.

While I cannot see us returning to the days of pre-feminism, I do see the Manosphere heralding a time of accountability for women that will change their current mode of thinking. In the end hetero women innately want to be in a relationship with men and will do what is required to be done to make that happen. Remember you hold the keys gentlemen, now jingle them where the ladies can see and hear them.

Every time  you get a chance to espouse red pill wisdom, do so. I do, but sometimes it has to be ever so subtle as I live in a very liberal town and have to be careful. My daughter does with her actions and words at college and has seen two of her five roommates change for the better. I hope your readers will do the same. Change is coming but it is slow, as always.

Privateman, keep being a voice of change.

After reading all the comments and making some mental notes about my readership, here are some conclusions I have come to:

  • My readers are geographically diverse. One of the comments came from a guy in Ethiopia!
  • I have a fair number of female readers. I suspect this is because many women are frustrated at the current cultural landscape regarding dating and they are looking for honest answers about men.
  • The age range is quite large but looks to be skewing to the post-35 crowd. This is expected because I write like a middle-aged guy (because I am one, go figure).
  • My writing style is somewhat in contrast to other Manosphere bloggers in that I’m perceived as more moderate and measured with my words. Though one commenter thought I was too cynical and acerbic at times.

I really do enjoy writing this blog and knowing that I do have real readers is tremendous encouragement. Thanks again to all.

Lurkers Of The World, Unite!

Lurkers Of The World, Unite!

I did this exercise last year and it was quite successful. I’m going to up the stakes. I want 100 new commenters. You don’t have to say anything except the following:

1. Age
2. Gender
3. Location
4. How you found my blog

If you want to give compliments to my blog, I won’t say no. If you have suggestions, speak up. If you think I’m just an old windbag, get off my lawn. If you’re a hater, your comment won’t make it through moderation.

Until I get 100 new commenters, this post stays up. You regulars, stay out of this. This is between me and my lurkers.

Online Dating, Additional Advice For Men

Last year I described my online dating system (link below). I still dabble with online dating but mix that up with being social out there in the real world. I’ve been talking to – and corresponding with – a variety of dating coaches and people doing online dating themselves. Based on the additional wisdom I’ve acquired, I have some additional advice for men over 40 who are attempting online dating. Note: My advice is based on a large metropolitan area.

1. Women surf photos just as much as guys do. If she can’t get past your profile photos, you’re done. Don’t take it personally and move on.

2. Make the effort. Online dating is time-consuming. If you’re sending out just one message, you will fail. Unless you’re really good-looking, your response will rarely be over 10%. Deal with it. So, reserve some time in front of the computer to find at least

3. Send multiple messages. Each message should be different. I covered this previously (link below)

4. Be organized, use a spreadsheet. Here’s a recommendation for columns: User Name, When Message Sent, Message Read Status, If Message Read, When?, If Responded, When?, Notes. Add additional columns as you feel necessary. Plenty of Fish and OKCupid won’t give you the message read status for free. Pay for that feature, it’s worth it.

5. Grow your skin thicker and be realistic. Online dating can be brutal on the psyche. Women look for reasons to reject a guy and that’s a feature, not a bug. As well, women have enormous egos and their abilities to rationalize are nuclear powered. Fortunately, the professional dating coaches are working to correct this (link below).

6. Don’t expect immediate responses. Women over a certain age will fill every single waking moment with something and usually not logging into their computers to actually be serious about online dating. Most consider online dating as a tertiary priority, right after cleaning the litter box.

7. Don’t send immediate responses. You’re a busy guy, give that message by delaying responses. Men should play games like this and it sucks.

8. Because most women don’t take online dating seriously, don’t expect pithy profiles. If you weed out the sparsely written profiles, you’re going to be eliminating too many dames before you even start sending out messages.

9. Don’t rely solely on online dating. If you’re not being social in real life – even if not to meet women – your social skills will get rusty and your real dates will suffer accordingly.

10. Try to keep as local as possible. If your city has sufficient population density, you can keep your search to under 10 miles. Too much distance is a time killer (except if the date is near your job) and a poor return on investment if you are looking for more than just sex.

11. Follow directions. If the woman’s profile states an age range and you don’t fall into it, don’t message her. The same goes for everything else – distance, baldness, height, etc. As we say about women, the same applies to men. In cyberspace, we’re not special snowflakes. (HT, Moxie, link below)

12. Always remember that men are the gatekeepers to commitment.

Online Dating, A Short Primer

The Best Dating Advice Women Will Ever Get

Women’s Online Dating Profile Headlines – The Good, The Boring, The Bad

This is my most popular blog post and it was written for women, go figure. Given its popularity and its usefulness, I’m only allowing my Patreon supporters to view it.

So, if you want to see it, click here to become one of my Patreon supporters. Thanks. It can be as little as $1.00 per blog post and it will give you an excellent window onto what men are actually saying about attraction and dating that is brutally and usefully honest.

But I’m not totally mercenary with this particular post. Here are links to a couple of excellent blog posts to help women with their online dating profiles.

Helpful Hint For A Woman’s Online Dating Profile

Online Profile Codewords Used By Bossy and Domineering Women

Flirting, It Yields Interesting Results And Requires Observation

While at the physician’s office very recently, I went into flirt and Charisma overdrive. My doctor is a very nice Jewish woman and the entire staff of the office is female of the white, African-American, and Latina persuasion. Hell, I was flirting on the phone while I made the appointment the previous week. Blanca the Puerto Rican admin person is cute as hell and she usually answers the phone. Phone Charisma is fun for me.

The purpose of such flirtatiousness serves several purposes. The modern medical practice is a busy place. Patients are not perceived as individuals, but rather as diagnosis and treatments. “There’s a flu in examination room 3”, that sort of thing. By flirting and using Charisma, it becomes “Private Man is in examination room 3”. Frankly, I want my medical provider to see me as an individual.

Doing the flirt and Charisma thing also allows me to “game the system” a bit. Based on my diagnosis, I will need ongoing supplies of some medical stuff. If I’m known as a friendly, likeable, and Charismatic fellow, it will be much easier to score free supplies of what I need. Big pharma gives shit out to doctor’s offices and the staff of those offices are the gatekeepers to medical largesse. As well, the vast majority of patients – male and female, alike – act like automatons and won’t present any personality. That’s their loss. A man with Charisma stands out – words, dress, behavior.

Being flirtatious also means being very observant. As a nurse of my age was explaining how to use my new medical device, I was tempted to ask if she had any single female friends. Before I asked that question, I subtly checked if she had a wedding ring. She didn’t. Asking a question regarding single female friends to this nurse would have offended her because she was likely single and I was passing her by. This is not cool because I need free medical stuff.

As a man is out and about in this world, there is so much opportunity for him. Every social interaction is that opportunity. It matters little the venue – visiting the doctor or buying towels – it matters much the man.

You’re welcome. Have a good weekend.

Game For Smokers – Post Recycle

I am a smoker. [Update – I have pretty much stopped] About a year ago I remembered some funny lines from a comedian regarding smoking. Since then, I’ve been using these canned lines on women which incorporate my filthy habit into a good opening.

This works when I am sitting next to a woman at a bar or in a small group with a target of opportunity. It’s also excellent practice and a good confidence booster. When I’m going to go outside for a smoke I get my cigarettes in hand and turn to the woman sitting next to me…

Me: “Do you smoke?”

Her: “No, thank you.”

Me: “Do you… want to learn?”

If you’re going to use these lines, raise your eyebrows and ask completely innocently.  Be sure to pause after you say “Do you”. That pause is critical because the “want to learn?” is the punchline and you want to deliver it with the correct timing. She will always laugh and appreciate the humor.

Her: “No, I really don’t smoke.” She’s laughing at this point.

Me: “Come on, all the cool kids are doing it.”

Her (laughing still): “No…”

Me (as I’m turning to leave): “Chicken” or “Well, it’s always polite to offer”

Now I go out to smoke. When I return, she’s usually waiting for me and I’ve opened her for a continuing conversation.

There are a lot of dynamics going on with this very small verbal exchange. I usually come across as funny, confident, and a bit cocky.

On the rare chance she actually does smoke, I invite her out with me where I can continue the chat.

Feel free to use this. It’s been remarkably successful to start conversations with strangers.

I’m Lazy And Trolls Allow Me To Be So

Overnight comments can make for fun mornings. A commenter left behind three highly enjoyable comments this past evening. As you read them, you’ll probably figure out quickly the huge trollishness of these comments. Hell, so many feminist tropes are covered that it’s humorous and quite possibly a false flag kind of thing. I don’t mind these comments because I pulled a muscle in my left arm and it’s messed up my left thumb making typing challenging. The troll basically typed this post for me, thanks!

This comment was in response to Radical Feminism Still Exists:

When women are tired of being treated like second class citizens/raped/abused domestically by their “loving men/being sexually harassed on the streets and at work and in general/being seen as “property”/and oh so much more-something has got to give. If men were treated this way wouldn’t you do something radical about it? Enter radical feminism. Women made great progress in the 60′s…and life was better for awhile. Then came backlash of feminism. Rape is an epidemic/porn is more violent and degrading/we still don’t get paid as much as you guys and much more. Men have made life hell for women for centuries. And now we are fighting back. Valerie was right. You men are more violent than ever now. Your victims? Women and children. The patriarchy is outdated and must be changed. The only way for us to be is “radical feminists.” And yes men deserve to suffer for their wrongs! Castration is a good way to start.

This comment was in response to Stop Holding Hands:

You must be kidding me. Women don’t NEED to be lead when we walk! What’s wrong with holding hands?! Oh I guess that would level the playing field so the couple appears to be equal-and of course-god forbid you do anything that the woman wants to do on the date. You are so immature. Most of you assholes couldn’t protect a woman if you had to! We can protect ourselves-thank you. All we need is Smith and Wesson. Get with the times! You wonder why women hate men-due to closed-old fashion minds like yours!

This comment was in response to Creeps Or Criminals?:

Sounds like the creator of this website is a class A “creep.” You say your stupid men’s rights groups do not hate women-so why use the word cunt? You don’t need to stand up for creepy guys. Women instinctively know when there is a bad vibe near them-hence-a creep. You act as if all men are angels! Read the paper today and see how many men were put in prison for violent crime. The prisons are overflowing with “creeps!” You keep putting feminism down but men’s rights groups are waaay more hateful and violent than feminism ever was or will be. I can’t believe there are women on here defending you! They are kissing up to the oppresor-YOU. As I said-women are on to guys like you. We always have been. If a woman calls a guy a creep-he most probably is. Aww we didn’t mean to hurt your wittle feelings (smirk)!

Naturally, I deleted the comments from the comment section. My blog, my rules.

Run Your Errands Alone

“Hey, I’ve got to run to the supermarket, want to come with me?”

“Sure, swing by my place and we’ll hit the supermarket to swoop some bitches.”

Gentlemen, I’m an older and wiser man. If any man, any time, and regardless of age, uses either the term “swoop” or “bitches”, it is time for me to utilize the amazing stopping power of the Garand M1. Such terms are ancient history. Grow. The. Fuck. Up. You’re welcome. Those terms are obsolete.

You’re a man. You’ve got things under control. You don’t need your goofy (and possibly cockblocking friend) turning a simple errand run into something vastly more complicated. Maybe your friend is a complete stoner and insists on lighting up in your car. “Dude, it’s just a couple of hits!” If so, time to jettison that friend, on the curb, at speed. Use your right leg without restraint. Anyone in your social circle who selfishly risks your legal status as a criminal is a person no longer in your social circle.

Errands are necessary so deal with it. However, errands can be vital to meeting new people, including the damsels. Getting a month’s worth of stuff so you can cocoon in your nest playing video games won’t “swoop” you any “bitches”. Having your goofy, stoner friend makes it even worse. He’s in the produce aisle giggling at cucumbers while you’re trying to figure out healthy meals as you check out the onions. If he’s associated with you, that’s not real attractive.

If you need minor stuff for your place or yourself, space out the errands and tell no one of your forays to Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Of course, your dumb-ass friends have no knowledge of this. Women love such types of stores and you, as a man in control of his life, exhibits style and confidence when selecting some comfy towels to replace the wretched rags draped haphazardly over the shower curtain rod.

Such minor errands apply to everything you need. Don’t stock up on everything at once. Buy a portion of what you need so have to return to the big box retailer. Each time you visit is an opportunity to interact with people. Single women have to shop, too. As well, if you’re on a mission to find a specific item, the socially awkward vibe is well mitigated. But please, have something already in our cart of your basket. A dude lurking about the towels or bath oils is not a good thing. NO LURKING!

If you’re not around people, you’re not going to meet anyone!

And leave your weird-ass friend behind.

The Age Of Point And Snark® Writing

With serious newspaper journalism ebbing into a sea of Internet goo and political-driven slime, a new type of “news-reporting” has emerged: Point and Snark®* writing. It’s not journalism. I’d hesitate to call it writing. It’s the writing equivalent to a 10-year-old girl looking at something and saying “That’s icky, somebody take it away!”. Reading the drivel of Point And Snark® causes migraines in thoughtful people and hopefully turns them to more researched and nuanced writing – writing that is usually found in magazines such as the Atlantic. Oops, nevermind (link below).

Point And Snark® writing is both elitist and almost anti-intellectual. The elitism comes the tone of the snark. The insults and ad hominems, rarely clever or amusing, reek with the “I’m better than you” sensibility. Additionally, there is a huge amount of scolding as a superior might do to a subordinate. The political correctness can be enormous. When the writer believes that his/her position is superior, it becomes simple to throw around some insults.

The anti-intellectual element of Point And Snark® writing is fairly obvious. Writers in that category are unable to fathom alternative viewpoints other than their own. Balance and measure are hallmarks of critical thinking. Trying to find the truthful root causes of a social issue is the realm of intellectually endowed minds. Insults and ad hominems are cheap, easy, and the work of those without a good deal of brain power.

When I read Point And Snark® writing, I am reminded of television and radio. Not all TV and radio, the political and social commentary that seems so pervasive, especially during this presidential election. Such commentary is a form of Point And Snark, but it’s far more spontaneous.

occasionally, I will mention a feminist writer but my main focus is helping men be better men. Yet this is a time to highlight one writer who is guilty of Point And Snark® in virtually all that she writes. Lindy West is a frequent contributor to Jezebel (no link below). She’s all snark, all the time and it’s tiresome. Let’s compare her style of communicating with a communication style of a certain AM radio talk show host. Yup, Lindy West is the Rush Limbaugh of the Internet. They’re just a different ends of the political spectrum.

Reading Point And Snark® is a diet of cheap, processed nastiness. There is no wisdom and no learning. I only read Point and Snark® to see the general tone of the Internet and perhaps society at large. The biggest point is that readers should be attuned for this type of writing and then read such stuff simply for the entertainment, nothing more. For anyone who finds some Point and Snark and has the opportunity to comment, call out the writer and urge other readers to dismiss that body of work.

The Weaker Sex

* I believe that a fellow who calls himself Basil Ransom on the Rooshv forum first coined the term.

A Dating Exercise For Men

The dating exercise for women (link below) went quite well. While doing some research about women and their emotions – a vastly complicated topic – I came up with a nice dating exercise for men. The purpose of this exercise is for men to be better able to “read” a woman’s emotions quickly and accurately, an extremely valuable skill for the man who is dating.

The exercise is fairly simple. Each time you interact with a woman – even just by seeing her – try to determine her current emotion state. Is she happy? Is she showing concern? Are her words telling the world that she is mildly upset? This requires you to be aware of many things, especially body language (link below). The challenge is to be subtle about it so you don’t appear awkward in your efforts. Finally, you’re not allowed to ask her what she’s feeling. You have to figure it out on your own.

You may be wrong in your assessment of her current emotion. That’s OK because your awareness of women’s emotions in general is going to increase enormously. With that increased awareness will come more accuracy when assessing her emotions. When you can do this quickly, subtly, and accurately, you can adjust your own communication style should you be directly interacting with a woman, like on a date. Worried about your social skills? There’s a website for that (link below)

A man who is clueless about a woman’s current emotional state will not get the second date. Worse, that man will not do well in a medium to long-term relationship. A man with solid Charisma will be able to use his accurate perception of a woman’s emotions and then apply his solid communication skills to nicely influence those emotions to help him achieve his relationship goals.

A Dating Exercise For Women

The Definitive Book of Body Language

Succeed Socially

Post Navigation