The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “May, 2013”

An Invitation To Describe Your Online Dating Experiences

Moxie over at And That’s Why You’re Single posted about what not to say to women on OKCupid (link below). Unfortunately, she wrote the whole post at Role Reboot – the worst of the worst when it comes to politically correct dating and relationship advice. No direct link from me because it’s that bad.

The comments from men complaining about online dating quickly accumulated. Moxie was not amused and was quite clear about it.

Yeah, this isn’t going to be an excuse for guys to flock here and whine about how hard online dating is for them. Sorry. I’m sick of listening to it.

It’s her blog so she gets to make the rules. However, this becomes an opportunity for me. I am inviting men who are doing online dating to report their online dating experiences, positive or negative.

This is not for the purpose of random venting. It is for the purpose of seeing patterns and generalizations so we can work towards solutions. Online dating for men at any age is a frustrating experience. I empathize because I did online dating off and on for over a decade. Towards the end, my ratio of outgoing messages to actual dates was 100 to 1.

For the record, I most recently used Plenty of Fish. I still maintain a profile but haven’t logged in in months. It’s now recommended to men that they keep their online dating activities limited to about 25% of their overall dating activities (link below).

So guys, use the comments to share your online dating experiences. Please indicate the following:

  • Your age
  • Your location
  • Online Dating Websites you use


What Not To Say To Women on OKCupid

Dating For Men – Reduce Your Online Dating Efforts

More On Masculine Social Confidence

Red Pill dating and attraction wisdom firmly states that women are attracted to confident men. A reader has sent me an email where he asks the following:

But what does it really mean? Confident in WHAT exactly? I get the archetype of the smooth sophisticated James Bond type but what about regular guys? To me a lot of what is considered confidence just comes off like a lot of what I call “false bravado” I like to use the Jersey Shore type guys as an example. Super confident with absolutely nothing to back it up just a lot of huffing and puffing with no substance. I dunno if it’s just the younger generation but I can’t relate to it.

These are excellent questions and simply must be answered if men are expected to be socially confident.

It’s important to note that social confidence is very different concept than ordinary confidence. A confident motorcyclist might take on a new road without hesitation. A confident metal worker might do the same with a complex fabrication. A confident actor might take on a new role knowing he can do the character justice. However, all three of these men may be unable to successfully deal with even ordinary social interactions. This is where social confidence comes in.

Masculine social confidence is a man’s ability and willingness to accept and influence social interactions with his benefit in mind and at his choosing. With this in mind, the reader is excoriating the Jersey Shore guys incorrectly. Those guys have social confidence. Is it backed up with real skills? Who cares? They do have real skills, real social skills.

In Pick-Up Artistry (PUA), there is the concept of “Frame”. Amongst other things, frame is a mental attitude where the man is in control of a particular social interaction. Charisma is part of that frame and social confidence is a huge part of Charisma. Social skills are absolutely vital in this area and social skills can be learned (link below).

Developing social confidence requires:

1. Social interaction awareness. Knowing the context of a social interaction is vital. This requires relatively passive observation without jumping into conversations. When dealing with women, this requires very the very feminine skills of social intuition and the ability to instantly read moods.
Gentlemen, this requires practice and time. A man coming off of a long marriage to re-enter the dating scene likely has lost these abilities. For an example, would a socially aware guy make an offensive joke at a funeral? Exactly.

2. Effective communication skills. This is basically knowing what to say and when to say it. This is where a man’s frame can quickly fall apart by being too reactive. A man doesn’t need to be chatty or garrulous. He simply needs to communicate when the time comes. That communication doesn’t even have to be verbal. Physical gestures (the smirk, the raised eyebrows, etc.) can communicate incredibly effectively.

3. Outcome independence. This is both PUA and common sense and yet it’s rather counter-intuitive when looking at the definition (above) of masculine social confidence. A man is supposed to lead the social interaction but outcome independence means that he’s also apathetic about the outcome. This speaks mostly to frame. If a man doesn’t care about what ultimately happens, he can have more influence on the social interaction precisely because he’s apathetic to the ultimate outcome… phone number? kiss close? seduction? He simply doesn’t care.

This is all subtle stuff and requires huge amounts of emotional intelligence (link below). That requires practice and that requires getting out of the house and dealing with people.

Succeed Socially

Emotional Intelligence

Almost Time To Upgrade The Phone – Not To Samsung

I’ve seen this commercial several times. It’s not for the American market because it’s too long. It’s an advertisement for the international market and this makes it worse given its potential reach.

I can imagine the scene at Samsung’s marketing department. A group of women are reviewing potential advertising spots submitted by their advertising agency. This commercial is run. Once ended, the accolades are delivered by the marketing cupcakes…

“Oh, my husband really needs to evolve, this is a great video!”

“My boyfriend does exactly that, I wish I could get him to do more in the house.”

“Men are such neanderthals.”

So, the video is approved with little discussion. Fine, Samsung is a business and its very essence is to increase profits. I can live with that provided that Samsung understands that the consumer can make purchasing decisions independently. More importantly, consumers can talk amongst themselves to influence other consumers. As a blogger, I urge my readers to avoid Samsung products. When it’s time to upgrade my phone, I’ll make a point to select a brand that doesn’t take such a dim view of men.

However, if Samsung were truly clever, there would be a follow-up video where this happens: “…a put-upon husband tired of the rolling-pin treatment can magically morph his bon-bon chomping, soap-opera addicted, bitchy shrew-in-curlers wife into a physically fit & active sex-pot who fixes doors, pours cement driveways, replaces garbage disposals, hunts wild game, and earns a paycheck.”*

That would be hilarious and then I’d be happy to buy outright a spiffy new Samsung smart phone should this happen.

* From a comment on the Youtube video.

Why No Chivalry When Dating?

A dating adviser, Christie Hartman (link below), recently tweeted:

“Guys: chivalry is an easy, cost-free way to impress a woman.”

My tweeted response was:


Via Twitter, she asked why not. As for Christie, I’ve retweeted some of her dating advice tweets in the past because she mostly gives reasonable advice and I support her efforts. It’s unfortunate that otherwise excellent dating advisers sometimes come up with disasters like that tweet. Another example of that is Moxie (link below) writing for Role/Reboot, the most politically correct and idiotic website discussing gender issues. No link from me to that dreck.

As for chivalry (link below), it might have had its place for medieval knights and Dating 1.0. With Dating 2.0, chivalry – especially early in the dating phase – is an expression of weakness and supplication in a man. A woman might be outwardly pleased at a chivalrous gesture but inside, her hindbrain is screaming “Run away! This guy’s a pushover!”.

Worse, chivalry can too easily be exploited by selfish and egotistical women. One of the quickest way for a man to assigned to the FriendZone is for him to act chivalrous to a dame. The loathsome and despicable white knights use chivalry with wanton abandon. This pedestalizes women and the clever ones will manipulate the white knights while enjoying the physical affection of men higher up the sexual food chain.

A bold and confident man can certainly use courtesy and manners as required. If a relationship develops during the dating phase, certain chivalrous deeds can be doled out very rarely. At the start of dating, a man simply can’t be chivalrous but he should be polite.

Ironically, chivalry is where feminism and the Manosphere agree. Feminists hate chivalry because it makes women look weak. Denizens of the Manosphere hate chivalry because it makes men look weak.

Christie Hartman



Five Noble Rules About Attraction And Dating

This is short and sweet and needs to be restated from time to time:

  • Men and women are different.

  • The feminine attracts the masculine.

  • The masculine attracts the feminine.

  • Women are the gatekeepers of sexuality.

  • Men are the gatekeepers of commitment (investment).

[If you liked this blog post, please support my Patreon efforts]

Yeah, The Donate Link

If you donate, it’s all going to Red Pill Dating. It will be for advertising, paying the graphics guy, getting a good venue for classes, all of it. Your donation will be a direct way to spread the word.

For those who donate regularly, I am very appreciative.

Random & Tweetable Dating Tips For Guys Of A Certain Age

Some of these might seem patently obvious but each one is based on women’s actual dating and attraction experiences. Feel free to tweet these to your followers or add your own random dating tip.

  • If it’s a first date from online dating, go to a place without bright lighting.
  • If entertaining a lady at your place, keep chilled water in your bedroom. Wink, wink.
  • Shoes and wristwatch, keep them classy and elegant. Women immediately notice this and judge you for it.
  • Stand up straight, sit up straight, walk straight.
  • Women want you to boldly approach them. It’s a sign of confidence. Only do so in a safe environment.
  • When starting a conversation with a woman, never compliment below the neck.
  • Get out of the house. Run single errands on different days of the week.
  • When walking with a woman, offer your arm. Don’t hold her hand.
  • Even if it’s her car, you drive it when on the date.
  • Worst first date: Dinner and a movie.
  • When standing, keep your hands out of your pockets. Pocket thumb hook, cowboy style, is acceptable.
  • When walking, look at the horizon, not the ground.
  • Speak clearly. Too much “Um” and “er” kills conversation.
  • Dress one level up from all the guys around you.
  • If you don’t want to text, you don’t want to date.
  • Put your name at the end of your outgoing online dating messages.
  • If you get the date, don’t over-communicate with her before the date.
  • You want to give a gift on the first date?! Don’t be a moron. You barely even know this woman.
  • The future of meeting women will be singles events in real life. You do remember real life, right?
  • Do you feel compelled to talk about an ex on a first date? Stop dating. Recover emotionally first.
  • If you don’t have the time to date, you’re not ready for dating.
  • Fingernails, clean ’em and trim ’em.
  • That haircut of yours sucks. Trust me on this.
  • The point of online dating is to actually go on dates with real women.

Dating For Men – The Escalation Factor And Dating 2.0

Note: This is also posted on Red Pill Dating.

The biggest challenge for the post-divorce man and Dating 2.0 is the mixed messages they receive regarding how to do the dating thing. The classic is “tone down your masculinity yet show your masculine confidence at the same time”. It’s maddening for a guy who has been married for 15 years and is now back in the world of dating. Unfortunately, too many men back down and tone down their masculinity. In fact, that’s likely all they know after being married to a “strong and independent” woman for so many years. The guys are simply continue patterns of behavior into their new dating life.

That’s wrong and ultimately won’t work. As I’ve said before, a man must have relationship goals even before attempting dating. With those goals in mind, it’s time a shift in a man’s approach. Women respond extremely well to confidence. It’s one of their strongest attraction points.

How does a sensitive, new age guy (SNAG) balance being macho and confident with being sensitive and letting the woman have her way in dating endeavors? He can’t. There is no balance. Women demand confidence, competence, charisma, and leadership if a man is to be attractive to them. It doesn’t matter what a woman says. It’s all about their actions and those clearly display honest attraction, not those ridiculous social expectations stating what kind of man they are supposed to be attracted to.

What is a man to do regarding Dating 2.0 in a real life scenario?

1. Know his relationship goals and be ready for dating.

2. Understand and internalize that women are attracted to confidence, competence, charisma, and leadership. Working on those things will be the most difficult challenge for most guys. Expect more blog posts about those masculine elements. Also, physical appearance and health is still very important. While a man might not be able to add a few inches to his height, he can certainly work on fashion style and minor details like hair and nails. Yes, woman notice that stuff, a man should be able to deal with that maturely.

3. Be prepared for a lot of rejection, whether online or in real life. Rejection is awful but if a man is approaching women often, he’ll get used to it.

4. Never, ever ask for a date. A date proposition must be stated and confidently. For example, “I’m enjoying this conversion, give me your phone number so I can set up a date.” Not the contrast to “Um, er, would you like to go out sometime?” That approach is weak. The first date should be light and casual. No fancy dinner, no movies. Here in South Florida, there are at least four ocean piers that are perfect for a weekend daytime date. A happy hour date after work is also good.

5. Follow up with his statement by calling the woman. He must (not an option) have a plan for a simple date. If the call goes to voicemail, the message must be short and concise “This is Drew, we met at the meetup on Tuesday evening. Let’s meet at the Deerfield Beach pier this Sunday for a walk and a snack. I look forward to hearing from you.” That’s it. Lengthy explanations can easily kill initial attraction. Don’t text an offer for a date. A man should actually make the phone call.

6. Revisit point three. If she doesn’t call back, it’s a clear indicator she’s not interested. Don’t bother calling again, seriously. If she does call back, answer the phone, if possible. If she can’t make it but suggests another time or place, she’s interested. If she doesn’t counter offer, you suggest an alternative time and place. Again keep the phone call relatively short. If she says anything other than “yes” to a new plan, she’s probably not interested. Your response should be “Well, get back to me when you know your schedule for the next couple of weeks.” She probably won’t be getting back to you. That’s OK because you gave her a way to safely bail out.

7. Before the date, don’t over-share or over-communicate. You’re only met this woman once so far. A text of “goodnight” every night or “good morning” every morning is not appropriate. It reeks of desperation. And for pity’s sake, don’t be texting song lyrics or romantic poems before the actual date even if you think there’s an amazing connection. She might not feel that way and such communication will be intensely awkward for her.

8. Confirm the date via text the day before. This will give her a polite bailout opportunity. What, you don’t text? That’s a huge handicap. Upgrade your phone and text plan. If you’re going to do Dating 2.0 correctly, you will learn to be comfortable with texting.

9. Go on the date. Dress well, be reasonably punctual (she’ll be late, guaranteed), and enjoy yourself. Getting to know someone new is actually fun. I’ve given some previous advice of what not to be.

Notice that points four through nine is all about escalation. The goal is to go out on the date. Forcing the woman to do the escalating is a strategy for failure. She might be the most empowered woman on the planet but deep down, she wants to take a man’s arm as they walk along the pier knowing that she doesn’t have to make all the decisions on that date.

This is a fairly general overview of the process. The devil is in the details. With practice – and lots of mistakes – a guy can find himself doing much better with Dating 2.0.

And guys, feel free to ask questions via the comments or by contacting Red Pill Dating directly.

The Wise Uncle

A recent tweet from the Wall Street Playboys (@wallstreetplayboys) gave some succinct advice – gotta love Twitter and that 140 character limit – to young men:

Truthful steps to success:
1. Ignore family
2. Throw away the TV
3. Delete mainstream news
4. Ditch your average peers
5. Find older mentors

I agree with most of it. Ignoring family is a bit strong but if family is heaping pressure to follow the standard life script, those words should be ignored. Family can too easily sabotage a young man’s efforts towards self-improvement.

The television really is a bad influence because the mainstream media is not about helping men, it’s about keeping men down with terrible messages about masculinity. With high-speed bandwidth and streaming video, the TV simply becomes a very big computer monitor.

Yeah, mainstream news media is quite awful. The purpose of that form of media is to make money, not be accurate or thoughtful. National Public Radio is an option just be sure to screen for the left-wing bias.

Average peers preach mediocrity. Quality guy friends are worth cultivating and emulating. This is especially true if your “friends” are urging you to toe the party line and not make waves, culturally and socially speaking.

The last point is extremely important. When a man has a few decades on this planet and is reasonably evolved, he has a tremendous amount of wisdom to offer. A bunch of young pick-up artists sharing Game tips might work in the short-term. Yet a younger man needs a wise, older uncle to offer long-term guidance that goes beyond the pleasures of the flesh.

The Manosphere has a mostly young demographic. Many bloggers here are in their 20s and have yet to gain the seasoning of life experiences. ‘Sphere men in their 30s are a great source of wisdom and knowledge. Danny (link below) is a great example of this. He lives life soundly and boldly and then shares the knowledge he has gained. Young men with a long-term view of life should look at even older guys for wisdom and advice.

I am in my early 50s (51, to be accurate) and my life has been complex and filled with mistakes and successes. I don’t have kids. At this point in life, I want to pass along wisdom to both men of my age and the younger generation. To wit, I want to be the wise uncle to any young man who wishes to reach to me with more personal questions and issues. I’ve learned almost too much from my life’s mistakes and I certainly don’t want the younger generation to repeat my mistakes.

To my regular readers, pass along this blog post to the young men in your life. I hope they reach out to me. Just be warned, I can be nicely bombastic. Hit the Contact Me page for the relevant info.

Contact Me


Comment Gold

The comments on my blog posts are consistently good. Every n0w and then a new commenter shows up with something special. A female reader stumbled onto my humble blog and commented on this post. The comment is rather buried because it’s a response to an existing comment. So, here’s the whole comment with notes from me in boldface:

I admit as a young woman I drank the Kool-Aid. It was the late 70’s and in college most of my friends also drank the Kool-Aid.

I remember moving down south to Manhattan Beach, CA in the early 80’s thinking I would stay for 5 years or so and move back north and find a nice job teaching kindergarten. I eventually found a job making fantastic money in a unrelated field. I wanted nothing more than to be a stay at home mom and raise and nurture the kids and figured we could live on my husband’s salary and bank my income or we could live on my salary and bank his.

What I didn’t figure on was he drank the Kool-Aid too. [What’s good for the goose is good for the gander]

He saw no problem living the DINK lifestyle while my clock was ticking. He loved going to parties, parading his pretty little wife around on his arm both of us making six figures and weren’t we just the hottest, upwardly mobile couple around. Let’s just say we are no longer a couple but I stayed too long wanting to make things work.

What I can remember from that time is there was tremendous guilt placed on women who wanted to be stay-at-home moms. Tremendous guilt. I can remember some of my college friends who were SAHM’s and felt the need to apologize for staying at home and raising children and creating a home for the family. What happened that we had to apologize for wanting to raise kids in a warm and loving environment? Kool-Aid [feminism, she can’t bring herself to type the word] happened.

I happened on this blog by accident and wasn’t aware there was this conversation taking place out there. My friends and I do discuss the lies we believed. Somehow we could have it all (at the same time) and there would be no price paid. It really is laughable. [But blue pill wisdom clings desperately to the “having it all” lie.]

I can’t tell you how many people my age now see the lie for what it is and believe me most of my girlfriends have sat down with both their girls and boys and had a serious Come-to -Jesus meeting about real life. [Most of it will fall on ears made deaf by media messages.]

Women my age feel like cannon fodder and we are not going to let our children be used in this way. [The system won’t let you.]

Women who experienced 2nd wave feminism and bought into it are reaping what they sowed. But there’s no going back. A small number of angry and vocal women completely changed the social expectation and the socio-economic system adjusted accordingly with quiet cunning. Worse, the Betty Friedans of the world created another small but outrageously vocal group of angry young women who are doing their best to make more Kool-Aid and force it down society’s throat.

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