[Note: There are many links in the post. Some of those links connect to more articles and essays about this subject. The subsequent reader comments in such articles are many and interesting. This is a swiftly developing rabbit hole but worth exploring and furthering the discussion often and widely.]
There have been some very recent public discussion on the ‘Net and in the mainstream media about the demographics of dating and how the impacts dating and mating behavior between the sexes. The release of the book, Date-onomics, is motivating the discussion. It’s no surprise that Evan Marc Katz, successful dating coach for professional women, published a blog post that has motivated over 180 comments from his readers. Those comments are worth reading because he attracts a thoughtful blog audience.
Other media content has also been produced in the past couple of weeks about Date-onomics including Time, the New York Post, Good Morning America, the Chicago Tribune, Glamour Magazine, Huffington Post, public radio and private radio station interviews with the author, John Birger (his blog). Naturally, the Manosphere has chimed in as well. This book and the subject it raises must be discussed often and everywhere, especially in big cities where the author accurately describes the realities of dating demographics. These realities are even more acute for the post-divorce crowd of singles.
There is a not-so-curious oversight of a key concept in all this coverage of dating demographics and the shortage of college-educated single men. Manosphere and Red Pill observers will immediately see hypergamy as the biggest hurdle that college-educated women face. This word, however, will seldom be used outside of the ‘sphere because such nomenclature acknowledges basic biological behavior that might work against the feminine imperative. The ideology of the human “blank slate” is still too strong for the mainstream media to accept, much less openly question it.
Hypergamy in women is so strong that otherwise intelligent and thoughtful single women will rationalize their inability to find men with whom to meet their relationship goal(s). The rationalizing results in some very predictable female responses to the stark reality of dating demographics and the dating market place:
1. Men are intimidated by my education and career.
2. There’s a man out there for me and I just have to wait and prince charming will show up.
3. I’m happy being single so I refuse to “settle”.
The reason for such strong rationalizing is that hypergamy is hard-wired into a woman’s DNA. Men rightfully raise an enormous hew and cry about women’s dating and relationship choices. We want women to make the first move. We want them to be willing to date or marry “down”. Jon Birger talks about “mixed collar” relationships. This will actually happen but such relationships will be the rare exception.
The mixed-collar relations will receive a huge and massively disproportionate amount of media attention, much like the stay at home dad phenomenon. The reality will be that the majority of women will quietly accept their hypergamous fate by being part of a man’s soft harem or filling their time with enthusiasms or an active social life with other single women. What will not happen is the reduction of a woman’s pickiness. Sorry guys, women would rather be unfulfilled in their relationship goals than accept anything less than they feel they deserve. Their biological need for security – emotional, physical, and financial – prevents the eradication of hypergamy through social expectations. Social expectations simply can’t erase this through facts and shame. Women have too much emotional investment in their perception of their own desirability.
As has been pointed out in many of the dating demographic articles and essays, online dating completely distorts the dating market place for women. The wide “availability” of men doing online dating means that a woman can easily reject a guy because there’s another incoming message from sexually or relationally thirsty guy who’s cranking out the messages. What women ignore, however, is that only the most physically attractive women are getting the online attention. This is especially true for the over-40 female demographic. Women quietly drop out of the online dating marketplace when the men they desire aren’t messaging them or, worse, the messages the women send out to desirable men are simply ignored. It’s easier to stop trying than work on one’s self to be more attractive to men.
There is also a variation in dating demographics based on geography. Jon Birgen points this out in his book. New York City is a terrible place for college-educated, career-focused single women looking for a relationship. That also holds for here in South Florida. In Fort Lauderdale, for every 100 college-educated single men there are 171 college-educated single women. But out West, things are a better for single women. Birgen mentions Silicon Valley as a particular geography where there are more single, college-educated men. But would a woman move there to date nerds? I don’t see it. The lure of Manhattan or Fort Lauderdale is simply too great despite the shortage of suitable men.
With all this attention being focused on dating demographics, this question becomes very important: For college-educated, post-divorce singles, who is in charge of the dating market place, men or women? Demographically speaking for the large metropolitan areas, men are in charge. After all, men are the gatekeepers to commitment. We do the asking and the proposing. However, there is one huge caveat to this, it’s only the most attractive men who call the shots in the post-divorce dating market place. The majority of essentially invisible men aren’t in charge of anything related to dating, they are the leftovers for women, unworthy of even a “hello” and only worth a quick “no way!” when displayed as an online dating profile.
Hypergamy will continue to be the order of day for women and men must deal with it realistically. Hypergamy is the oxygen in the air of the dating market place. It frustrates, depresses, but ultimately motivates women. Without it, women wouldn’t constantly looking for the bigger, better deal in a man. For guys in the top 20% or the ones actively bettering themselves to become part of that 20%, hypergamy keeps women sexually and relationally active. Men must adapt or lose out of the dating and relationship game.