The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “April, 2011”

Single Men Over 40 and Facebook

My advice is simple – never use Facebook for any reason except to communicate/post with the closest of friends and family.

If you are compelled by family (especially the younger generation) to set up a Facebook account, then do so but keep your Facebook account sealed off from anyone outside your circle of close friends and family. Your information must be kept as private as possible. There is an added bonus to this – you can keep something of an aura of mystery about you, this is a good thing.

Never, ever give a woman you are dating access to your profile. Never even talk about Facebook at all. If she asks about your account and you have one, simply tell her “I use Facebook to communicate and post only with my close family and we keep family matters private.”

Only when you enter a serious, committed long term relationship should you give her access.

However, if a new woman you are dating has open access to her Facebook account and she tells you how to find it, by all means check her stuff regularly, just don’t post anything on her wall. If she asks if you are looking at her Facebook account, be honest but cavalier and make no judgments, “I glanced at it a couple of times” and then change the subject.

If you are a serious Facebook user with an all access account and it’s easy to find, you’ll need to be very prudent with your wall posts, photos, and your relationship status. Thankfully, the privacy settings can be set so that certain elements of your personal information won’t be revealed.

Do you need to know about the Facebook privacy settings and how to change them? Go here: (

Social media can be a great way to share personal information. It can also be used against you in the world of Dating 2.0.

A Young Man With No Game

Sam was sitting at the bar two seats down. He’s young (mid-20s), rather good looking in a shaved head, stubbly face, vaguely Mediterranean look about him. I’ve seen him around before but he’s not quite a regular at my favorite spot in the village.

To my right – with an empty stool in between – are two rather attractive, 40-something blond women. I’m in a good position start a set with them and I’m feeling outgoing and social. The village is perfect for socializing, even on a slow Monday night. Unfortunately, my friend Taciturn Tom plonks himself in the empty seat and effectively blocks me from opening a set with the two women. Taciturn Tom is a very tall and big guy who speaks few words and drinks many beers. He’s actually a gentle and decent fellow and I enjoy his quiet company. I talk, he listens.

My attention is diverted to my left where Sam is having a very animated discussion with the barmaid. In fact, Sam is looking rather angry. He’s just angry enough to be annoying and probably a risky proposition to engage him in discussion.

Taciturn Tom and I share a few words about the local scene and we both studiously ignore Sam’s angry words. Sam departs and I look at the barmaid. She rolls her eyes just a bit and smiles knowingly.

Sam returns. As the barmaid is busy with something, Sam engages me in conversation because I am the closest victim.

“Listen to this…” he starts. As well as private, I am also polite so I turn to face the seriously annoyed Sam.

“I was just having dinner in the sushi bar with this girl I know and who I just picked up at the airport.” Sam gets a bit calmer as he now has another ear to bend.

“She told me she was into size, like penis size, and she asked me how long mine was.” Helluva question from a girl, I thought.

“I told her that it was a classless question and that she had no class for asking it. Then she got up and left!”

I’m a little at a loss of what to say at this point. Sure, the question lacked class but Sam’s response was ridiculous. He wasted an opportunity for a witty and  brilliant retort. Her question was  probably a shit test.

Sam rants on a bit more and in the process I learned quite a few things.

Sam has spent lots of money on dinners and drinks for this girl, one dinner costing over $600. This guy is young and  probably not making a lot of money. He also just picked her up at the airport and bought yet another dinner with more drinks. And now the girl is across the street at another bar, sitting at an outside table. Sam was quite adamant about pointing that out. “Now she’s sitting with another guy!”

“You need to learn Game.” I told him flatly. “Agree and amplify. You could have told her that were two feet long or gone in another direction and said you were hung like a pimple.”

“I don’t care about that stuff, it shouldn’t have to be that way!” Sam was frustrated. Perhaps his mother told him to “be nice” and “be yourself” as dating advice.

I find it very depressing when a young man is still awash in the advice left over from Dating 1.0. We now live in the realm of Game and Dating 2.0, where social status determines  a man’s attractiveness and dating has little to do with getting to know someone. This is a sad state of affairs but it’s the reality of the current dating situation.

I didn’t push the point about Game. Sam might take the red pill, he might not. Regardless, he’s a chump for spending time and money on that girl. When I see him again I will mention Game again.

Sam eventually left and then apparently confronted the girl across the street. The barmaid said she saw him doing just that. I don’t know what he said but I’ll no doubt hear about the gossip later because it’s a small village.

Three Young Blondes And The Bench

Every Friday here in the village by the warm, South Florida Atlantic ocean where I reside can be found live music from two different bands and a very festive atmosphere. There are throngs of people of all ages and from all parts of the world, some visitors, some locals.

It’s a phenomenal opportunity to be social to also practice Game.

With a glass of wine in hand, I park myself on a bench right in front of the most popular nightspot in town. The beach is a few scant yards away.

Within moments, two young blond women sit themselves down right next to me with another blonde standing up in close proximity.

“Sit, relax, take a load off” I tell them.

They all laugh. It’s a good start. These are girls in their late 20s so I know the approach. It’s all about negs and demonstrating higher value (DHV) with them regardless that they just over half my age. They are dressed like 8s and look like 6s or 7s.

We start an inconsequential conversation. Naturally, they immediately start complaining about the losers in the nightclub. I know their frame. They’ve been approached by much older guys and some of the slacker beach types that inhabit these environs.

Their egos are all pumped up by the failed approaches but not satiated because of the very few attractive alpha men in their age range at that particular venue. Regardless, it’s important for the negs and absolute need for the whole DHV thing.

“Guess where we’re from?” says the one sitting right next to me.

“I don’t care, guess where I’m from?” is my response. Seriously, I really don’t care. These three are just young party girls and only worthy of practice Game.

Sure enough, the one sitting right next to me takes two guesses where I’m originally from and she nails it. Of course, I don’t admit it right away. After some idle flirting and flirty chit chat, I let it be known that her guess at my geographical origin is indeed correct.

All three find this amusing but I casually dismiss it as an easy guess given the fact that my village contains mostly folks from particular part of the Northeast. I won’t give them hand in this set.

There is some idle chatter and I throw out a few negs and am generally witty but without being slavish to their needs for attention. I’m the middle age guy not hitting on them, contrary to what they had just experienced in the adjacent restaurant/nightclub.

Being young and with the attention span of houseflies, they started to get antsy.

“We have really have to go.”

I look askance at them and give a dismissive backhanded wave. “Shoo! Go away!”

This generates more laughs and off they go in search of alpha guys to ride or beta men to buy drinks.

The very next evening at about the same time I’m sitting on a bench not too far from where I was sitting previously. Sure enough, the same three young women walk past and immediately recognize me despite the hundreds of people in the immediate area and in the same nightclub they left the previous night and likely just left again.

I smile and roll my eyes. The last one walking past says to me with a smile, “you’re really kind of mean”.

Ah, Game.

An Alpha Moment

“Private Man, what do you think about this…”

This is from Cynthia, one of my recruiters/agents. She’s made a great deal of money from me over the past few years and only calls me when she knows she has a good potential writing assignment.

She asks me some questions about a contract opportunity. It’s not actually writing, it’s about a management job that involves lots of writing. The requirements are easy for me, things that I have done well over the years. Writing about medical technology in an audited environment is something I know.

I volunteer to write her some bullet points to help sell me into this assignment.

“Oh, Private Man, you are the best.”

My alpha moment was manifested by this quick and natural response:

“I know I am.”

I could feel the tingles over the phone.

Long Term Relationship Advice In the Manosphere

The Badger recently wrote a most revolutionary thought regarding relationships. The title of his post is “It’s OK To Please Your Man“. The rest of the post is extraordinarily good and should be one of the core tenets of Manosphere bloggers who are actually encouraging better and more healthy long term, adult relationships.

Roissy, Roosh, Rollo, College Slacker, et al., are more concerned about picking up and bedding girls (the PUA division of the Manosphere) and that’s perfectly reasonable for a certain age. I am not of that age. As well, the recent posts from Roosh, Compliment and Cuddle, are pure satire and should be taken as such.

There are a number of men and women who still believe in healthy long term relationships and who actively seek to give good advice through their respective blogs. This is the Healthy Relationships division of the Manosphere.

As I have a poor track record of maintaining a long term relationship, I won’t even make an attempt at giving advice in this area. But I’m a fundamentally optimistic about men and women forming truly intimate and long lasting relationships. Therefore, I will limit myself from indulging in the nihilistic elements of the Manosphere.

I wrote about the diverse nature of The Manosphere and how we still might have a branding opportunity:

In shameless flattery, I salute Dalrock, Athol, Susan, Grerp, Haley, Dr. Helen, and from across the pond, Workshy. These are great voices in the wilderness of piss-poor relationship advice and wretched political correctness.

Sadly, the social contract ‘twixt the genders regarding long term relationships has been torn asunder and we are left with this insane imbalance:

A woman pleasing her man is considered weak and somehow wrong.

A man pleasing his woman is still expected, but if he does it too much she will no longer respect him.

So Game is teaching men about how to deal successfully with women.

What is teaching women to successfully deal with men?

I ask that question strictly in the context of long term relationships.

When the long term relationship advice of the Manosphere starts reaching into the main stream media/web, I sense a fundamental social shift regarding how men and women treat each other. I imagine a great exhaling of a million lungs of men and women looking at each other and saying “thank goodness that’s over, we can treat each other as we were supposed to”.

Then the political changes begin. I’ll leave that up to Paul, Welmer, Glenn, and Pierce to handle.

Online Dating – Turn Around That False Sense Of Abundance

“Mr. Perfect is right around the corner so a woman should never settle.”

This disingenuous bit of advice is often presented to single women who are out shopping for a man. It comes across in online dating profiles quite frequently, as well. “I refuse to settle” is a common line in women’s profiles.

Online dating has created a false sense of abundance. There are hundreds of men’s profiles that a woman (single or not) can peruse and quickly say “next, next, next”. It’s catalog shopping at its worst.

But throw in the “never settle” attitude and things suddenly change. There are actually not that many interesting, intelligent, attractive, alpha men to be found on the online dating profiles. Women over 40 find this especially true.
There are scores of decent men but these fellows simply don’t know how to market themselves or use online dating as a consistent process to achieve a goal.

For the clever and thoughtful man, this presents an enormous opportunity to stand out from the generic and mediocre. Of course, this takes an almost flawless profile (it can be done) and the patience of Job.

The profile element of online dating is a great deal of advertising in the beginning of the process. As an outline for a good profile, here are the bullet points:

1. Know who you want to attract but do not pander to that type of woman.

2. Know who you are and be honest in your descriptions about yourself. Note: If you have not been able to attract women you prefer, it might be time to work on yourself.

3. Pick an online dating website that is appropriate for your area. Ask around. Free websites have more women, paid ones have more serious women. Eharmony is in a class unto itself.

4. Create a user name that smacks of confidence and contentedness in life. “EnjoyingLife”, “ActiveMan”, “RefinedBadBoy”. Those are just examples, of course.

5. When a headline is required, use something confident that invites her into your life and doesn’t simperingly ask that you join hers. “Lonely man seeking gorgeous woman” is stunningly weak. “Come join me on my life adventure” is better. Of course, you will have to back that up with some real adventures and at least one of your photos should show it.

6. Get the best photos you can. Two or three should be casual, at least one relatively formal and you wearing a nice suit. Strongly consider getting some professional photos done. Also, keep your man-toys secondary in the shots. No good photos, no good dating. That’s online dating man law.

7. Start writing your profile. This gets real difficult for guys who don’t know how to write well. Two things to help – proofreading and check out other guys profiles to see how they write. Write better than them. I will post more on this at a future time.

As an aside, buying some books about online dating is not a bad idea. Just bear in the mind that many of those books focus on the advertising nature of the profile and not the introspection necessary to make a profile truly genuine.

The advertising element is certainly important, that cannot be discounted. When a woman receives an online message, she will quickly look at a man’s profile and in a matter of moments will make a yes or no decision. Women are visual too, hence the need for incredible photos. Once past the photos, the goal is to get her to read a genuine profile, not a generic advertisement.

With a profile up and running and perhaps on multiple dating websites, it’s time to adopt a consistent process. I wrote about that here:

There are some things to consider:

Women and Chemistry:


The Dating Ritual:

The Challenge:

Online dating can indeed work but it does take quite a lot of effort.

Women of quality and thoughtfulness will understand that after about 40 years old, the pool of single men quickly declines. It’s those women who will grasp that there is not as much abundance out there. A man of quality should be after those women.

The Worst Men’s Website Ever

They have drunk deeply of the Kool-Aid and taken a knife to their own genitals. These men are wretched, self-loathing creatures not worthy of respect. Thankfully, women will never procreate with them and they will vanish from this earth quickly and without having an impact.

Pathetic. Weak. Miserable. Lonely.

They speak of gender harmony and creativity. They are the worst of the white knights and pedestalizers. Women will scorn them. Women will loath them. Women will turn them into slaves. These are not men. These are boys with blind worship.

I present their website and video as an example of what a man should never be, what a man should reject.

It’s unreal.

I have been watching their ongoing videos.

The bile rises.

Involuntary celibacy and cuckolding come to mind.

Field Report From A Friend

For a bit of the back story on my friend, go here:

My friend, Balthazar, called me yesterday to tell the story of his Gaming experience a couple of nights previously.

He had met an attractive Brazilian woman (mid-30s) two weeks ago using the iguana gesture and had been having a low velocity text and phone communication. The slow pace of things he took as a sign of low interest on her part.

Two nights ago he was texted by this Brazilian woman, Sylvia,  while she was headed to a local hotspot. The text was an invitation. Balthazar, being of sound mind and libidinous nature, headed out to meet her.

This particular nightspot is right on the beach and very close to Boca Raton. It has quite a scene on Sunday evenings. I’ve been there and can attest to the crowds. It’s also a bit of a pick up spot.

Balthazar arrives to find Sylvia’s friend, Trish. He had actually met Trish at the same time as Sylvia. Idle chit chat ensued. Soon, Sylvia herself arrived with another friend in tow. Balthazar now had three women around him. Unlike a traditional cockblocking that might be expected, Sylvia’s two friends were busy raising Balthazar’s social value. “He’s cool”, “You’re here with Balthazar, you need to stick with him.”

Why no cockblocking? Balthazar had already established his value when he first met Sylvia and Trish. The third girl in the equation, Marlene, went along with the other two women, not an unexpected outcome. The whole evening was not a formal date by any stretch. It was simply a social meeting in a night club.

As Balthazar describes, the place was quite full and he was running some Game. Of course, my friend doesn’t know formal Game but when he has some gin in him, he can Game with the best of them. I imagine him tossing out some negs and being confidently playful. Naturally, he’s dressed well as most folks in that particular night club usually are.

Then comes along the dreaded AMOG (Alpha Male of the Group). Balthazar  told me that he was very tall, in incredible shape, and also Brazilian. This fellow quickly garnered Sylvia’s attention and my friend acknowledged that he’d “be crying” all night if the AMOG stole away Sylvia.

Rather than becoming a sulking beta in the face of adversity, Balthazar worked the room a bit, being friendly and outgoing. He didn’t let the AMOG get to him. Sylvia had drifted off into the crowd, the AMOG still circling closely. Thankfully, as my friend related, that AMOG ultimately left. Whew.

How does one recover from a drive-by AMOG? Balthazar found a way. He stood on the rungs of his bar stool, puffed out his chest, and gave Sylvia (a few feet away) the iguana.  It worked. She quickly came over to him. His move was that of both confidence and witty self-depreciation, quite the tough balance to achieve. The gin likely helped.

With Sylvia back at his side, her two friends also came over. After some conversation, Balthazar needed to visit yonder men’s room. All three women followed and waited outside for him.


When my friend left the men’s room, he barely acknowledged the three women waiting for him. He walked right past them and then he surged into the crowded club to mix and mingle.

“I had some stink on me and all the women there noticed it”

What Balthazar was saying is that he had social proof dripping (oh, nice image!) from him because he had three women waiting for him while he was in the men’s room as well as his interactions with those same women while he was at the night club. This gave him confidence and sent out an important vibe to every other female there.

There is more to this story… stay tuned.

Married? Long Term Relationship? BUY THIS BOOK!!!

OK, so Athol Kay is a Kiwi (New Zealander), we’ll forgive him for that.

Regardless, his wisdom about marriage, sex, and relationships is astounding.

Buy his book.


Thank me later.

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