The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “February, 2013”

Of Soul Mates And Superheroes

About two years ago I posted about emotional pornography (link below). That’s the pornography of unrealistic romantic expectations. Women are the most vulnerable to it. As tonight was Oscar night, I got to witness the horrible spectacle of live twitter feeds making comments about winners, losers, and the sordid entertainment that is the Academy Awards. The Oscars are the AVN awards (link below – NSFW) of emotional pornography.

Granted, many of the films and people given that “honor” don’t delve into the romantic realm of fantasy movies. Regardless, Hollywood romantic comedies and the general adoration of Hollywood motion pictures reflects how such fantasies are accepted by which gender. The printed variation are romance novels and the now-burgeoning genre of “50 shades” writing.

As a person who reads many, many online dating profiles, I can easily see how emotional pornography is internalized as a romantic goal. Grown women are constantly stating their desire to find their “soul mate” or “knight in shining armor”. This is fantasy manifested by Hollywood and internalized by a naive audience. It’s emotional pornography and it’s held in high esteem by our culture. It’s also complete horseshit that leads to loneliness and relationship dissatisfaction. 50% divorce rate, anyone?

I also read men’s online dating profiles. I have yet to read “I hope to impress a woman by shooting webs from my wrists or smashing Frost Giants with my heroic hammer.” Adult women honestly desire soul mates but adult men know that superhero powers are the realm of fantasy. I see how this works.

I went on a twitter rampage (@man_private, link below) about the Oscars. Moxie (link below) gave me a tweetslap (new term!). I had rained on her Academy Awards parade because she was watching and live tweeting the event. I make no apologies for my snarky and copious attack on the Oscars. The romantic fiction element of the motion picture business completely ruins expectations regarding attraction, dating, and relationships.

Ironically, Moxie makes her living from such damaged expectations. I do acknowledge my own hypocrisy because I will also be earning income from such damaged dating expectations via my new endeavor (link below). I will use my new venue to constantly educate both men and women about the dangers of emotional pornography and unrealistic romantic expectations. Moxie does too and for this, I give her props.

Emotional Pornography

AVN Awards (NSFW)

My Tweets

And That’s Why Your Single (Moxie)

Red Pill Dating (Preliminary)

So Private Man… Where Ya Been?

I’ve been right here, healing up from my motorcycle injuries and working on a project that will go live quite soon (a few days, I reckon). I’ve got an ace website developer who is busy with a swanky WordPress theme that will serve my needs well. While I’ve already revealed this project in some previous blog posts, I’m not announcing the URL again because the site is still too preliminary for public consumption.

When the new website is ready, I’ll announce it to my readers. It’s not necessarily a Manosphere type of website/blog but there’s plenty of Red Pill wisdom for single men and women who are dealing with dating. Many of my previous posts I’ll be copying over to the new website/blog. However, I will continue to post here and keep this blog active. I started the project almost a year ago but kept getting sidetracked. I did start a book (Dating 2.0, Advice For The Suddenly Single) and that’s coming along, albeit very slowly.


I took this photo earlier this week.

Also, I’ve been working on the Spring Break 2013 Manosphere meetup (link below). This promises to be a good event even though Danny (link below) can’t make it. He’s scheduled to work that weekend. We might be able to figure out something with Skype. The weather has been wonderful here in South Florida so anyone flying in from the North will likely be greeted by warm, sunny days and very pleasant evenings.

March promises to be an exciting month for me. Hopefully, I can keep the motorcycle upright. Oh, and I turn 51 years old. Also, this blog is now two years old and I’ve gotten 1.1 million page views since it started. It’s Miller time.

Spring Break Manosphere 2013 Meetup


We Carry The Bags, Not The Porter

There is so much discussion about the emotional baggage we all carry and how it impacts our ability to date and form healthy, intimate relationships. After a certain age, emotional baggage simply can’t be avoided. With the years come the inevitable experiences which affect our emotional outlook. This is life, let’s deal with it like adults.

There are three categories of emotional baggage that hamper our dating and healthy relationship-forming efforts. The first two are rather obvious, the last is the most insidious and the hardest to overcome.

1. Time… Kids, career, enthusiasms are all part of a type of emotional baggage because we spend so much time on things that only serve to distract us from trying to reach our relationship goals. This is lifestyle emotional baggage. As for kids, they are not emotional baggage – unless someone states clearly “my kids come first” – it’s the lifestyle surrounding child-rearing that becomes the baggage of time. While I’ve covered this before, it must be repeated often – if you want to date and form a relationship, you must make the time for it. Ditch the time baggage, now.

2. Previous relationships… I’m still astounded when I hear stories about the first few dates where a person brings up a previous relationship. Here’s the firm dating guideline: If you feel compelled to bring up an ex – in any way – then you’re not ready for dating. There’s some serious emotional baggage if a previous relationship becomes the topic of conversation during the first phases of dating. Stop it right now. If you continue, seek therapy or get your emotionally damaged butt out of the dating scene until you stop talking about previous relationships. You’re welcome.

3. Political correctness/social expectations… When dating, we too often take seriously the whispers of social expectations and political correctness. A woman wants the man to take the lead but that’s counter to the “you go, grrl! You’re in charge!” social expectations. A man wants to take the lead but his social programming of the sensitive new age man (SNAG) results in excess – and unnatural – emotional expression and asking “so, what do you want to do?” when he actually manages to get a woman’s interest in a first date. Here’s the first lesson: Going on a date is not a political statement in order to right social wrongs. It’s simply two people hoping to make a romantic connection. Here’s the second lesson: Political correctness has no part in the intimate and extremely personal nature of two people connecting emotionally and physically.

TL;DR – Lose the baggage

Please Vent About Valentines Day

I’m giving the opportunity for my readers to unleash their feelings about this thoroughly awkward and potentially disastrous day for men. Say anything you want. Curse or praise the day, I don’t care and I won’t censor (unless one of my blog haters makes a comment).

Spleens, vent on!

If I get a truly exceptional comment(s), I’ll feature it in tomorrow’s blog post. Spelling counts.

Temporary Absence

I’ve not posted in a week or so because I’m still dealing with the injuries related to my recent motorcycle mishap. Yes, I’ve seen my physician and she told me that the healing process – especially the  cracked rib – would take several weeks.

While I’ve not been writing much, I have been reading comments on my blog and other blogs, some Manosphere, some not. I urge all my readers to read the blogs in my blog roll. There’s some excellent, if incredibly blunt, advice for men and women alike.

Also, the Spring Break meetup is coming up soon (link below) and that could be quite the event with some Manosphere luminaries potentially attending. It’s a relatively unorganized event. It’s main purpose is for the guys to meet each other in person. I would rather this meetup be about men being better men and not politics.

I’ll be posting again soon while also working on my next project, Red Pill Dating, a series of entertaining and educational live classes for both men and women.

Spring Break 2013 Manosphere Meetup Update

Risk And Mitigation – Motorcycling Be Dangerous!

Finally, after 9 years and almost 130,000 miles, I really dumped my bike. While I didn’t hit anything, I couldn’t keep the bike upright during a serious emergency stop. The upcoming intersection had red light cameras recently installed and so drivers are now too quick to slam on brakes to avoid tripping the flash. The driver in front of me had slammed on his brakes as did all in the line of traffic up to the recent yellow light. One does not slam the brakes on a motorcycle. I was forced to.

I was hurled to the pavement quite violently in the middle of a busy 3 lane (each way) boulevard during rush hour. As traffic was going relatively slowly, the driver behind me didn’t run me over. Knowing how to handle such situations, I didn’t leap up immediately because I had to assess my injuries, even while lying in the road. Sure, I was blocking serious traffic during rush hour but delaying some commuters (who were no doubt shocked to see my screw-up and subsequent violent trip groundward) was not my first concern. I then sat up. Several folks drove slowly past to check on me and I gave the thumbs up because no bones were broken nor blood immediately visible.

A very nice fellow had completely stopped and gotten out of his car to see to my safety and offered to help lift my motorcycle. A young woman at the bus stop walked into the street to also assist. After a few minutes of sitting in the middle of the road to gather my post-accident wits, I got to my feet. I was shaken up but seemingly relatively uninjured. With help from the stopped driver and the young woman, we lifted the bike and pushed it into a very close parking area. The EMTs, police, and fire truck all arrived in short order.

I’m not exactly fine but my injuries – while painful – are not permanent. Motorcycling is a risk, but some of those risks can be mitigated. I was quite well protected by armored boots, gloves, and jacket. As well, my helmet did smack the ground which meant my unprotected head didn’t smack the ground. My enthusiasm is a calculated risk and I won’t give it up. The damage to the motorcycle was mostly cosmetic and I rode home after the incident.

Dating is a risk, too. One person might get too attached too quickly and that attachment is not mutual. A heart is broken. Sex happens too quickly under the same scenario and again, a heart is broken. In the PUA community, “oneitis” (where a guy obsesses too much about one girl) is considered a curse to be avoided. Actually, that’s a form of risk mitigation much like a motorcycle helmet.

There are other forms of risk mitigation in dating. As we are social creatures, being social can help us avoid obsessing about one person. When in the company of multiple human beings, it’s more likely that our focus will fade enough from an unrequited love to make life more bearable. Women tend to be better at this socializing. Men, unfortunately, tend to isolate themselves socially when a heart is broken. They don’t mitigate dating risk nearly as much. A man’s heart can harden when in the confines of his own psyche.

Some dating advisers recommend dating multiple people concurrently in order to meet ultimate relationship goals. This seems to work better for men than women. This is where women aren’t mitigating their dating risks. While it might feel unnatural for a woman to date multiple men, it’s an effective tactic. There’s an important note here: after a certain age, dating does not have to always mean sex. There can be other forms of physical intimacy as well as closeness and comfort. Shut up, you younger guys only looking for nookie. I’m the wise, old uncle and I know of what I speak.

So while I own motorcyling gear (protection from crashing) it’s important that you have dating gear (protection from broken hearts). Sadly, there’s no store to buy dating gear, there’s only emotional strength, willingness to socialize, and the willingness to date multiple people simultaneously. Let’s be careful out there.

Let Her Be Nurturing

For all the talk of empowered, strong, and independent women not needing a man, there is a large part of the feminine psyche that almost compels a woman to be nurturing. It is especially pronounced past a certain age. For you younger men, sit this one out and be patient with the feisty and sassy girls that thickly populate your demographic landscape. Things might get better for you.

For a single guy who has become independent and self-sufficient, it may be a bit alarming when a woman shows her nurturing tendencies towards him. Single guys can too easily become cynical with the dating landscape so when a women wants to cook him dinner he might get suspicious about her motives. Worse, he might have too many blue pill and politically correct tendencies so his urge (not instinct) is to resist her nurturing because it’s too “gender normative” or “oppressive”. Gag.

Don’t be cynical or uncomfortable. If a woman is attracted to you and comfortable with you, her feminine and nurturing qualities will likely surface. That’s excellent and should always be encouraged. It’s almost like a reverse fitness test. “Can he happily accept my nurturing or is he a weak, PC-filled, sensitive new age guy?”

Many women – especially those who have raised children – are still quite content to express their nurturing through cooking. Let them, dammit! Don’t rush in to help, you’re just getting in the way. Pour the drinks, indulge in some light-hearted talk, and be encouraging by being affectionate – just don’t interrupt too much.

Too many guys will ruin this by tapping away on the smart phone or drifting away to watch TV. This is very bad. Despite the fact that she’s doing the big portion of the work, you’re still sharing an activity. It’s just like a date so give her your attention because you’re getting hers.

This is analogous to the “let the man lead” in dating. Let the woman be nurturing. She’s showing her femininity and that’s to be seriously encouraged. After dinner, there’s nothing wrong with helping to clear the dishes, by the way. Don’t be too lazy because you’re encouraging femininity, a commodity is short supply. If she never shows any nurturing towards you, consider that a yellow-flag.

Astrological Sign Determines Romantic Compatibility? WTF?!

“Oh, I can’t date a Capricorn”

A woman friend of mine actually said this with a straight face. I simply raised my eyebrows in a subtle gesture of incredulity. She then went on to list the astrological signs of men she could date. I could say nothing. My friend then went on a lengthy monologue of her inability to find love and commitment. Of course, I knew the answer. Anyone silly and immature enough to use astrology as a serious rule in finding romance is incapable of romantic commitment.

I do understand that many women take astrology rather seriously and won’t change their views on the matter. But to use something so arbitrary and capricious as a birthdate to rule out a potential romantic partner is quite absurd and potentially self-defeating. Astrology is a minefield to be avoided. In my opinion, relying on astrology is ridiculous and absurd.

For women, I simply say this: Never, ever ask for a man’s astrological sign. It’s simply not important. Not asking the question is easy.  Be aware that the insistence to ask is not the hallmark of a well-balanced person. Yes, I’m judging and I urge men to judge as well.

For men, the advice gets trickier: If asked, evade. Give your birth year and then say “I think it was a Tuesday”. Or, make up your own sign. “I’m a Papyrus”. Try a traffic sign like “Yield” or something along those lines. If she’s insistent, judge her silently, harshly, but ultimately yield with the truth. You’ve got a silly and immature dame on your hands and she’s good for casually dating, nothing more. Seriously, do you want to make a commitment to a woman who makes her romantic decisions based on your astrological sign? And when on a date, don’t even bring up the subject of astrology, ever.

Back to the women: Did you read what I just advised men? It’s a bit harsh but this means you need to re-evaluate your beliefs in astrology when determining your romantic connection to a potential paramour. If you want to cling to those beliefs, that’s your business but know the consequences – most men will judge you negatively. The small number of guys who also have those beliefs are not likely to commitment-minded because they’ll be flaky and weird.

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