The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

A Dating Exercise For Women

A fair number of women read my blog and for this, I am pleased. Normally, I write my posts with a male audience in mind. This post is an exception. I want women to read this very carefully and pass it along to their single friends. It’s important.

The biggest challenge is for women to re-adjust their approach to men. Women usually look for reasons to reject a man. They find the bad things first. This results in a lot of frustrated single women. To start the readjustment, I have this very simple mental exercise:

Every time you see and/or interact with a man, look for something good about him. This includes online dating profiles.

It can be something small.

It can be something big.

It has to be something.

Perhaps you see a sweaty landscaper with stained clothes working hard at his job. What’s good about him? He’s working hard. That’s a very good thing.

Maybe you have a male colleague who is not the most attractive of physical specimens. But you notice that he has a very nice voice and speaks very thoughtfully. Those are two good things.

You meet a man socially who has a very weak chin and terrible fashion sense. Yet you see that he has beautiful eyes, broad shoulders, and a great sense of humor. Wow, three good things!

You see an online dating profile with bad photos. The words, however, are well put together and are quite appealing. Good things, indeed.

This doesn’t mean changing your standards regarding the men you date. It only means noticing the positive elements in men. That’s the exercise. Simple, no?

Do this for a week. After the week passes, ask yourself this question: “Where are all the good men?”

Guess what, you just spent a week seeing them with your own eyes.

Feel free to copy and paste this into emails, blogs, forums, whatever.


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51 thoughts on “A Dating Exercise For Women

  1. Ok, that’s just plain freaky PM… I just published an article 2 days ago that pretty much mirrors exactly what you are saying here:
    I guess great minds do think alike. lol I have put several links in my articles to your page, including several to the Woman-up article.

    “Do this for a week. After the week passes, ask yourself this question: β€œWhere are all the good men?”

    Guess what, you just spent a week seeing them with your own eyes.”

    Pure gold dude!

    • Thanks.

      Just read through some of your blog posts. Good stuff. A bit wordy, but good stuff.

      • Jester on said:

        I’m very wordy… It’s my fatal writing flaw. lol I’ve told that women relate well to my type of writing style. Hence, why my blog is more geared towards women.

        When writing my online profiles I often have to back up and reform my sentences and do a lot of cropping because I have a tendency to write the same way that I speak.

        Brevity is an art I am still getting the hang of. You execute this very well in comparison.

  2. So fitting to that great quote…
    Neo: Why do my eyes hurt?
    Morpheus: You’ve never used them before.

  3. just visiting on said:

    Not bad life advice either. At the end of the day, find something good about it.

  4. Now ladies, see what this will do for you?

    You’ll be pleasant and nice.

    That is womaning up.

    Thanks, PM.

  5. Weird. I just left a comment on another blog to this effect. I love the idea of looking for the good stuff rather than nitpicking the poor guy to death.

    When I was online dating, I’d go on a first meet with pretty much any guy who was willing. I had two criteria: He couldn’t give me creepy vibes (some manage to do this online, somehow) and he couldn’t blatantly hit me up for sex while exchanging initial messages. I think a lot of women ignore these two things if the guy is cute and are then shocked when he acts like a jerk when they meet.

    I paid no attention to height, weight, age, employment, education, etc. As a result, I had lots of fun first dates, a handful of second and third dates and after about 9 months, I met the perfect guy for me.

    All the women (and men, for that matter) who can’t ever seem to meet anyone halfway decent are probably just far too focused on the negative.

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  8. Miss_Fu on said:

    Excellent advice. I have been doing this recently, and it certainly makes a lot of men look really good in my eyes. Honestly it has made me feel remorseful of my past critical and dismissive thoughts.

    But do a lot of men do this with women? Sometimes I scratch my head trying to figure out why, at times, otherwise decent men stay with bitchy girlfriends. Are they hoping that a modicum of sweetness will shine through their terrible personalities or is the dating market so bad for men that they consider these women gems?

  9. This is brilliant in its simplicity. Great article.

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  12. Parenna on said:

    Hello! I just found your blog today after hearing Bb mention you on her blog. Normally I read quietly for a while before commenting, but this is the best advice I’ve read on the internet in a while, and I wanted to tell you so. Thank you for posting this! I intend to become a regular reader of yours. =)

    This advice seems useful independent of dating, and just for cultivating a positive perspective on life in general. I’ll corroborate its effectiveness – I’ve done this multiple times, after finding myself becoming cynical about humanity, and I always feel a lot better about the world afterwards!

  13. Hi Private Man,

    This isn’t just dating advice: this is life advice. It’s unpleasant to spend time with someone who only sees the negatives in others. Seeing the silver lining is a skill set, not an outlook. Moreover, it’s a skill set that we should always be working on.

    No one wants to hang out with a negative nancy.

  14. I love this post. One thing I’ve tried to teach my kids is not only to see these good things in people you meet, but also to give people good feedback whenever possible. In other words, compliment the hardworking grocery sacker. Tell the girl who sells you your Chik Fil A how pretty her eyes are. Build people up, even the people you don’t know.

  15. Thomas V. Munson on said:

    I’ve been with the same woman for 33 years, married for 30. Get that out of the way. Now, 100 years ago there were no “teenagers”; you lived at home and, when you thought you were ready,or knocked someone up or got knocked up, got married. This more or less maintained until post WWII, when dependency became more elongated adn “teenager” was born. What we are witnessing now is a continuation of the elongation, exacerbated by the Great Recession, as well as a new emotional narrative that makes people generally (and men specifically) extremely immature well into what used to be solid adulthood (approaching 40 years old and climbing).College for middle class peopel was the sorting out; you went in single, came out married. No longer. Add in that as we age our “edges” get sharper; we are like a pool table whose cushions get harder instead of softer, the slightest miss repels with more force. I am old, but I do not envy any of you.

    • What we are witnessing now is a continuation of the elongation, exacerbated by the Great Recession, as well as a new emotional narrative that makes people generally (and men specifically) extremely immature well into what used to be solid adulthood (approaching 40 years old and climbing).

      Actually, what we’re seeing is men figuring out that the standard life script – especially the marriage part – is a really shitty deal and they are voting with their feet by avoiding traditional responsibilities. I argue that this is a mature decision manifesting logic and reason. Given the Great Recession, the hideous inequalities of Marriage 2.0, and a culture of misandry, why would any intelligent and mature man follow the standard life script?

      As you are older and solidly married, your perspective is different. I do respect that. Bear in mind that I am almost 50 so I can see both the tradition culture failing and the developing culture trying to find solid ground.

      • Thomas V. Munson on said:

        I agree re “standard life script”: I would tell William Bennett that. My remarks were centered in a different direction. I would encourage all young men to vote with thei rfeet in exactly the direction you indicate. Raising a family ( the bright line dividing point is having kids-up ’til then you’re only messing with your spouse, and screw her; it’ll cost you but ain’t no one else’s life gettin’ hammered)means loss of options, lower rungs on the material ladder, more butt-kissing and headaches. Freedom! Ten minutes of being married will have you singing for it louder than Richie Havens with his Guild guitar at Woodstock.

  16. I think it’s even more complex than that — while the Great Recession isn’t doing anyone any favors, that isn’t what is pulling men away from marriage. As a gender group we’re trying to re-establish workable rules of mating now that the socio-sexual culture has changed so radically from what it was.

    The combination of industrialization/urbanization (giving women financial independence) and the advent of the birth control pill (giving women effective control of their reproduction) led to the liberalization of divorce laws and de facto legal equality for women. Feminism capitalized on that wave as a political movement and got further liberalizations in place that radically affected the culture. Yay. Of course that disrupted normal mating patterns after 1965, led to the bloody Sexual Revolution of the 1970s, and the subsequent wave of divorces and step-families ever-after.

    The children born during this time had no clear male authority models that hadn’t become discredited by feminism and the popular culture. Their female authority models represented a heavily-skewed pro-female position that, while giving young women an important boost, not only discredited traditional forms of mating, they gave no workable solutions to young men. This led to a generation of girls with grand feelings of empowerment, self-esteem, and entitlement, and a generation of boys who were relationship-shy, clueless about mating, and at the sexual whim of whatever girl was in their life. With HIV/AIDS and other nasties added into the mix, growing up in the 1980s as a boy was a dismal thing. It made us get married later, get married less, and have fewer children.

    But then Sexual Revolution 2.0 happened in the 1990s: the Internet. Suddenly the pool of eligible females went from the few thousand who lived in your neighborhood to literally every woman in the world. Plus, thanks to internet porn, men were able to indulge in sexual objectification and exploration to their hearts’ content in an unprecedented way. Gay dudes came out of the closet much easier, and through trial-and-error men as a whole began to figure out this Sex Stuff as more and more information became available. The ability to network also added to our understanding.

    So what is going on now is the construction of Masculinity 2.0, a post-modern and post-industrial update to our traditional masculine mindset. It’s one that has to take into account the fact that women are not legal chattel, they can work for a living divorce you at the drop of a hat. But it also has to take into account the essential character of our masculinity, which includes our sexuality.

    And that’s what the Manosphere has become: a networking opportunity for contemporary men to exchange information, traditions, and insights that we used to depend upon our fathers and grandfathers for. As we figure out how to promote our own gender-based interests as fervently as women do theirs, we are evolving strategies and new traditions that will, I hope, allow the next generation of young men a lot better leverage in the mating game than we enjoyed.

    At least, that’s my take on it.

    • uncleFred on said:

      There is NO Masculinity 2.0 any more than there is a Femininity 2.0. The essentials of masculine and feminine behaviors are as old as man. To think that 50 years of political tinkering can wipe that away or materially alter is absurd.

      Women, and to an extent men, were sold feminism as a corrective process to undo discrimination in the courts, workplace, and other aspect of society. While men weren’t looking, it reached far beyond legal equity and granted women preferred status in all these areas, while at the same time denigrating virtually all male values, and systematically attempting to feminize the values of boys.

      There are no “gender” based interests that need to be promoted, rather we need to restore equality of individuals regardless of their sex. Further we need to restore consequences to the decision to “divorce someone at the drop of a hat” regardless of the sex of the party who breaches the marital contract. We need to acknowledge that legal equality does not make men and women the same, and that both bring different strengths and weakness to the table. The importance of these strengths and weaknesses are dependent on the task to be accomplished, and that equality of outcome is not always a desired goal.

      If you restore true equity before the law and end sex based affirmative action in hiring and education, eventually balance between the sexes will restore itself.

      • Most definitely agree with this.

      • DC Phil on said:

        To which I’d add . . .

        Either officially or unofficially (read: via behaviors) enact checks and balances against the worst qualities of women, like hypergamy. As some have noted, hypergamy unchecked means that women will usually go for the top dogs (Alphas) who aren’t interested in what the women want, which are relationships with the top men. It doesn’t usually work this way.

        As Warren Farrel mentioned years ago in his book “The Myth of Male Power,” some men agreed with feminism as far as equality in the workplace, women’s suffrage, etc. and worked to implement this. But, these same men didn’t count on the cultural machinations of those women who wanted EVERYTHING to fulfill the female imperative, nor did they do much to raise themselves out their own rut in terms of having to perform, work long hours, sports, etc. In other words, men helped to raise women up but didn’t raise themselves up to a kind of society where caricatured masculinity was more the norm.

      • P Ray on said:

        In other words, the men were told that feminism meant women would be more egalitarian in their mate choices, like marry men less educated than them, who earned less than them, and who were shorter than them.
        Basically, it was a bait and switch.
        The moment women could earn their own money, they made it clear through their mate choices (for who to get married to) that any man who wasn’t earning at least as much as them or were less educated, were somehow only worth associating with until they had fulfilled her purpose…
        in the modern age, a man also had to be taller than them to “protect” them (Mr. Colt 45 is not very tall at all, why do women have a problem with having that?)
        men having any looks/chastity expectation from the women they were with, are “oppressing women” unless they are the MEN ALL OTHER WOMEN WANT. Then it’s okay.
        It’s an extremely strong incentive for men to become players, because the majority of contemporary women (attractive AND ugly) clearly demonstrate that the only person their loins and thoughts tingle most heavily for, are those men.
        Makes it very understandable why when women say teaching Charisma is objectionable, they should start burning Cosmopolitan, which does exactly the same thing.
        Pornography is to men, what romance novels are to women.
        Anyone saying otherwise is trying to stop you from seeing how the world actually works.

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  20. I don’t know how good of an idea this is… I would be worried (if I were a girl) that I would be dishonest to myself about the man in question’s true value. And as a guy, I DO worry that a girl might do this with me initially, convince herself she likes me, only to realize after making some kind of commitment of time and emotional energy that she wants something more. I think our gut feeling about another person is far more powerful and accurate than we give ourselves credit for, and I think we over-estimate our ability to rationally pick apart the components contributing to that guy feeling.

    In general I take the perspective that girls should try to improve themselves rather than magnify the men that they know they have a chance with, because ultimately I think a person’s ability to change and improve themselves is great.

    • That would mean they have fewer men on their level. Leading to the same situation again of hypergamy.
      Quite a lot of women do not count as wasted, time they spent with a guy THEY wanted … regardless of where the relationship went.
      That may be because the idea is all men are supposed to accept that his woman has a past, and what only matters is the here and now.
      It certainly allows the sluts to normalise their behaviour, and not be priced out of the market by the chaste women.
      Of course, STDs rates, mental/alcohol problems, abortions and financial/trust issues would beg to differ.

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  23. GoodyGoody on said:

    You know, I think some men [the top 20% thereof] would benefit from your advise as well. There’s a slew of men who also dismiss a woman simply because her profile doesn’t contain the obligatory cleavage shot or sexual talk.

    I understand that men outnumber the women out there and this evident on dating sites, but the argument that MOST women are dismissive judgmental harpies treating online dating sites like a pick-and-choose buffet is short sighted [they may not all be harpies but they are mostly judgmental]. I don’t think most women are like this [they are] but if you try online dating for an extended period of time, it becomes very easy to start dismissing guys based on superficial reasons [nail, meet hammer].

    I’ve done the online dating thing on various sites and, thus far, my luck has been crap. I’ve encountered far too many men who are either married or in supposed committed relationships [and this ruins it for the rest of us guys]. Quite a few men see online dating sites as the same pick-and-choose buffets that you’re complaining about. Some men think that if you’re on there and they “choose” you, sex is automatic. I’m probably the least romantic seeking woman on the planet, but I’m routinely amazed by the sense of sexual entitlement some guys have [men like sex, so do women (with the top 20% of men and guys with righteous Charisma)].

    Let’s face facts, there are shitty men AND women out there using online dating sites to stroke their ego and screw with people’s emotions. To use the old “women are too picky” [again, it’s true, the dating coaches will back it up] is, again, short sighted. People are people regardless of gender and more people are just interested in themselves these days. [There is no such thing as “regardless of gender”. Our mating strategies and subsequent behaviors are wildly divergent based on gender. You’re just parroting back the politically correct phrases that are expected of you by a society blind to certain uncomfortable truths.]

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  28. Elle on said:

    I just learned today what “the red pill ” is so bare with me, haha! I’m new to reading dating topic blogs, but Ive been looking up things about this topic because of what I’ll cut n paste below this short note – Its really bizarre to hear men speak like this, that they are very “blue” not red, because I have never met or dated a blue type guy, I’ve been a really nice, compassionate, genuine, loyal, caring, loving person who has ended up with emotionally unavailable guys.. and I hardly knew that nice guys existed! So now, even the nice guys are being told to “swallow a red pill” and be an asshole? oh no, what will happen to society if all guys become assholes? Like, the advice is to NOT be a good guy, that ‘s scarier than the current state… SO, for all the guys who I never knew existed ( the good ones) you can enjoy reading about a girl ( me) who ended up with someone who broke her heart… and celebrate that? Scary….

    ok, here’s the note: if you have ideas Id love to hear them:

    I dated a guy for more than 6 yrs off and on, but mostly on… mutual for the most part, he loved me, but I did put more into it, he was funny charming etc… NOW, after 10 yrs of not dating, we started chatting, tried to be “friends” literally (didn’t even hold hands) but I had feeling come up again for him, after a year of having a great time getting to know each other in a mature adult way, b/c we were kids (teens to early 20’s) when we dated… SO, my question is, do you think as a guy that they just completely can lose any emotion and only see you as friends after yrs of thinking he loved you and sleeping together? I dont believe him, I think he’s just emotionally unavailable and afraid of intimacy, which he does admit too, but the part I dont get is how can someone who cared so deeply for you, not give a shit later? Maybe I’m just not good at accepting it, and at the end of our “friendly year” I had to end the friendship b/c I knew Id get burned and he woudln’t reciprocate… as he didn’t… and he doesn’t seem to care about losing me much as a friend even (asked about it once or twice but then moved on) its really sad, and is now with someone else and the whole thing is heart-breaking..I truly loved him, accepted him, encouraged him and I have really great qualities too, but he doesn’t value them, which is crazy and annoying, LOL . but I wonder about “being friends” with an ex… if guys can fully turn around and not have any romantic feelings anymore ( and Im still in good shape and look great, in case your theory was “Oh, are you late 30’s and a wreck?, answer is no…! LOL!)

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