The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “January, 2013”

Spring Break 2013 Manosphere Meetup Update

I took this photo earlier this week... and it's February!

I took this photo earlier this week… and it’s February!

I’m going through my posts on the Spring Break Meetup here in Fort Lauderdale, March 8 – March 10, 2013. I’ve also checked the Roosh forum where I also posted information on this event.

So far, 34 guys and my ugly dog have expressed interest:

The Private Man
Hamster Tamer
Bill Powell
Phat Guy Fitness
Kurt Green
Changed Man
A.B. Dada
Changed Man
JT Styles
DC Phil
Tom White
Matt Forney
Senor Beast Mode
Ian Ironwood
Captain Capitalism
Lucy, my ugly dog

I’m also encouraging El Mechanico from the Roosh forum to attend. I’ve also extended the invitation to Rollo over at Rational Male. That would be epic!

If only half those guys showed up, the event would be a success.

Here’s what I’m planning:

Friday night, March 8 – Early arrivals will meet up in the village of Lauderdale By The Sea. There is live music every Friday and it’s a good scene, if not exactly a really young crowd. Also, there is a arts/crafts scheduled for the weekend and that brings in a healthy crowd.

Saturday afternoon, March 9 – I tentatively have a room (part of a good bar/restaurant) for everyone to get together for introductions, a possible presentation or two, and an opportunity to socialize and figure out plans for Saturday night.

Saturday night, March 9 – I will be holding a special world domination meeting at my humble abode, all are welcome (space permitting). The serious PUA guys can head down to Fort Lauderdale beach and practice their skills. I’ll have recommendations by then.

Sunday late morning, March 10 – Church. OK, kidding. We’ll all meet up for brunch so we can debrief each other on the previous night’s activities. If any of you are successful with girls, we fully expect a detailed field report.

For the guys flying in, renting a car is not necessary. There is van service (about $20) that will take you directly from the Fort Lauderdale airport to hotels here in the village. Once here, walking and short cab rides will be the primary method of transport.

As for hotels, Hamster Tamer (another local) has some suggestions.

The weather might be slightly chilly in the evenings making a light jacket appropriate. The beach water should be warm enough for swimming. If anyone brings a Speedo, my dog will bite you. As this is Florida and Spring Break, swanky business suits are optional.

This is going to be fun…

A Reminder – Spring Break, 2013

Details here:

This could be much fun.

How Women Turn Men Into Pickup Artists

A friend and colleague is doing the online dating thing with OKCupid. He’s 26, intelligent, and with a diverse range of interests and enthusiasms. All in all, he’s a good guy and certainly boyfriend material. He’s also relatively short at 5’6″ and he accepts his height realistically.

A girl recently sent him this OKCupid message:

“You are perfect except for your height wahhh. We should be friends, I think we would get along really well and have similar tastes/interests.”

What. A. Bitch.

She is the one who sent the message to him and then she rejects him romantically in the first sentence because of a physical characteristic completely beyond his control. Worse, she still wants “friendship” as an option. Here’s the most clueless girl on the planet. It’s clueless (and classless) girls like this who turn men into cold-hearted pickup artists. If she’s pulling a shit test to see if my friend would rise to the occasion, she’s taking bitchery to stratospheric levels. Likely, she’s not even aware of how awful she came across in her message.

It’s these types of rejections from women that lead men to Red Pill wisdom, for better and worse. M3’s emotionally shattering blog post on his 12 years of involuntary celibacy is a perfect example of this (links below). My friend’s preemptive online dating rejection is yet another example. The thermonuclear rejections doled out by rude girls to hapless guys simply serve to push men into relationship territory not approved by mom (link below).

Most men have enough awareness to not send the following online dating message to a perfect stranger:

“You are perfect except for your weight. We should be friends, I think we would get along really well and have similar tastes/interests.”

Here’s the hard reality of this: Women can lose weight but men can’t grow. Still, a clueless dame decided to remind my friend about his inability to grow a few more inches so he might be able to meet cupcake’s need for a taller guy. Thankfully, my friend is a rational fellow and did not give me the girl’s OKCupid account name, not allowing me to make her public. The Manosphere guys would not be nice to her.

Confessions of a Reformed InCel

Mom Was Wrong – A Personal Narrative

So, How’s That Working Out For You?

Human beings are incredibly adaptable to outside influences. We adapt to changes in climate, geography, economy, political structure, almost anything. We adapt on both a societal and individual level. It would be miraculous if we weren’t such an intelligent species.

Despite our incredible adaptability to so many outside influences we are shockingly resistant to adapting individually to the nature of contemporary intimate relationships. Some guy or gal might pine away for an intimate relationship yet that same person simple refuses to adapt themselves in order to achieve his/her relationship goal. This is why dating coaches exist. Sometimes a third party is required to shove us into better dating and relationship habits.

So, how’s that working out for you?

There’s an entire self-analysis industry that has built up around our stubbornness to social and relationship adaptability. Myers-Briggs anyone? Once assigned a psychological label, we tend to wield it like a shield to fend off situations that might require change or adaptability. I hear this often with the “introvert” label. I completely understand why a man might label himself such but I also know that such a label too often precludes meaningful introspection that leads to changing habits.

So, how’s that working out for you?

When it comes to relationships, we are too often simple cowards because we cannot face any type of change or adaptability. This is not a gender issue. While women might say “I’ll never settle” – that’s a code word for “I’ll never adapt” – a man will say “But I’m a nice guy!”. Of course, the man knows all about the Red Pill but refuses to take it because of an willingness to adapt.  To me, that’s cowardice.

So, how’s that working out for you?

We completely ignore and/or refuse our innate ability to adapt and change. Of course I recognize that habits develop and are cemented with age. Regardless, our innate intelligence allows us to cope with almost any situation, including forming potential intimate relationships. Adapt or perish is a bit extreme in this context. Adapt or be miserable is a better way to look at the situation.

Know Your Relationship Goals

While dating is fun and interesting, it’s an investment in time and money (for both sexes). Embarking on the good ship Dating 2.0 requires knowing which port the vessel will ultimately dock. Your relationship goal will better focus your dating efforts. If pickup and seduction (what women call “serial dating”) is your goal, you’ll be hitting the PUA blogs and websites to learn Charisma (Game). I suspect that a relatively small number of men will go this route.

Most men and women alike would prefer to be in some sort of committed, exclusive relationship. The online dating profile should reflect this. As men and women are different, relationship goals might differ. Many of my readers are very sour on marriage from a legal and experience point of view. However, they are not anathema to exclusivity or even living together. I’m not a big fan of co-habitating, especially over a certain age. That’s a subject for a future blog post.

Without relationship goals, dating is too random and haphazard for men and women alike. Date with a purpose. But the Charismatic man who seeks an exclusive, committed relationship faces a dilemma. He has options with women and a series of mini-relationships might be the result, much to the dismay of the women he becomes involved with for a few weeks or months. Those women might be commitment-oriented but the man can easily bail out and pursue other options.

For women post trading season* who are seeking committed relationship, the difficulty is that men are the gatekeepers to commitment. Yes, I use that phrase over and over again. It’s true and increasing numbers of men are realizing it. So while a woman might have commitment as a relationship goal, she’s no longer the buyer, she’s the seller.

* Trading season is late 30s to early 40s when most divorces occur.

Emotional Pornography

[Yes, this is a re-post. This subject very recently came up in discussion and I feel it’s important to keep this idea circulating on da Interwebz.]

I’m not much into visual pornography. I prefer mine written as words because my imagination is far superior to any porn producer. I don’t particularly care if a man watches porn. It’s his business, not mine.

There is a great excoriation of visual pornography, especially from women. There is a constant yammer about false expectations of sexuality, ruined relationships, etc. The relationship advice websites are full of women moaning about their men watching porn. Feh, most of it is simply sexual gatekeeping and control. A woman wants to control a man’s sexuality – usually by saying “no” constantly – and porn is a direct threat to that control. Relationship dynamics at their very worst.

Women have their own form of pornography and it’s a well-respected and lucrative industry. Think Lifetime channel movies. Think romance novels. Think romantic comedies from Hollywood. Think vampire books. But it’s still pornography, a fantasy in words and images. I am convinced that women actually expect their relationship fantasies to be born out in real life. I see proof of that in womens’ online dating profiles. “Where is my Prince Charming?” reads a common headline. So here we have a grown women looking for a fairytale. But on weekends with the gal pals, it’s off to the latest Hollywood romantic comedy where that fairytale is reinforced as “reality” in her mind.

Chick flicks are nothing more than an emotional drug. It’s emotional heroin for dames. I reserve special loathing for “Eat, Pray, Love”. That’s the emotional pornography of the divorce fantasy. What women don’t understand is that it’s a complete fantasy. It’s make-believe. It’s a fiction conjured up by clever writers and pushed by capitalistic publishers and movie producers looking to make a buck. Do we even need to talk about the princess fantasy and the Disney industrial complex? Let’s leave that one for the child psychologists.

Emotional pornography is ruining relationships even before they get started. Women have completely unrealistic expectations about romance. They have a script in their heads and George Clooney is the supporting actor. So they put up the online dating profiles and wait. Prince Charming is right around the corner. The next online message. The next IM. Meanwhile, the Greek chorus of her friends is singing “Never Settle!” That cluttering of estrogen on the side of the stage has also well consumed that emotional pornography.

Let’s complicate things further still. If a hapless fellow decides to be that romantic Prince Charming and pitch woo at a fair damsel with lots of romance, he will be considered a schmuck, a chump, a doormat, a pushover. Even women over 40 get all tingly in their nether regions for Bad Boys. Bad Boys aren’t romantic. Bad Boys don’t give gifts or call up just to say “thinking of you”. Bad Boys have skittles (hat tip to Roissy).

Fixing up a man is also part of the overall relationship fantasy. A woman finds a diamond in the rough and works feverishly to make him “better”. Should she succeed in her project man, she suddenly realizes that he’s no longer attractive to her. And how do women come up with this nonsense? Emotional pornography, believing the fantasy should be real.

If our government really wants to embrace censorship (it shouldn’t, by the way), emotional pornography should be first on the list.

Lest I seem the curmudgeonly and cynical sort, I believe that men are finally wising up to the situation. They are learning that women merely talk a good game about needing romance and the whole knight in shining armor thing. That’s the social expectation as supported by that emotional pornography. But the actions of women, ah, that’s where the truth comes out. Fellows, forget the romance, it won’t get you laid.

First Date From Online Dating – Protocol For Women

[Note: I posted about the protocol for men (link below) and now it’s time for the woman. My intended readership is for folks over a certain age but this advice for women does fit a wider demographic.]

So a man has stated (not asked) that you and he are going on a first date. If he was smart he would have proposed something fairly modest and certainly in public. If a man invites you to his place or worse, to your place, for a first date, he’s after sex and nothing more. If he proposed a fancy dinner or dinner and a movie, he’s not educated about Dating 2.0. It’s your job to suggest something more modest. There are a lot of clueless guys out there.

Let’s assume that it’s a weekend date during the day and you’ve been invited for ice cream or something at the bookstore cafe. The day before, he should be confirming via text or phone call. If not, you text him to confirm. This is just good manners and helps to avoid the flake factor. Yes, men flake too.

A good flake (from either party) will involve a counter offer via voice or text. “Something’s come up and I’d like to reschedule for another time.” That’s a good flake because he still wants to see you. A bad flake has no counter offer. Don’t ask for one. Tell him you’ll call him another time (you won’t) or ignore the text. Then block his online dating profile. He’s done. The worst flake is when he simply doesn’t show up with no notice at all. Even grown-up men do this. Get used to it.

As it’s a weekend, day time date, it’s not necessary to dress like it’s Saturday night. However, it’s important to look good. Do your hair and makeup to maximize femininity. Most men like long hair that’s not tied up. Depending on the climate, your clothes must also be feminine. If you want to be successful in dating, looking feminine is an obligation. You have been warned. Dating could very well involve breaking long-standing patterns of behavior.

Before the date, arrange with a friend to call you during the date or send you a text. If he’s smart, he’s likely done the same thing. This is the “bail out!” option. If your date is obviously not going well – for whatever reason – that phone call will save you without an awkward way out. “Oh darn, I have an emergency I have to deal with, I am so sorry.” It’s a nice excuse and protects feelings. Just be aware that it can be used on you, too.

Since you’ll be late (yeah, I’m generalizing about feminine behavior, sue me), send a text stating when you’ll be arriving and be sure to apologize in that text. Humility is a nicely attractive feminine characteristic and exceedingly rare, sadly. Honesty is another good characteristic and you can show your honesty by having accurate online dating profile photos and that includes a whole body shot. If those aren’t accurate, your first date could be very brief. Internalize this: Men are visual, if you can catch his eye, you can catch his heart.

When you arrive at the date venue, find your date. If he looks or acts nervous, that’s a good sign because he’s neither a player nor a serial dater. However, you’re facing a huge dilemma. Nervousness is not a sign of confidence and it’s confidence that you’re attracted to. A smoothly confident man on your first date will likely spark some serious attraction. But if he’s confident from the get go, make a note of it. If your date loosens up and regains his confidence, that’s a very good thing.

The date should be light-hearted and fun. Make jokes, laugh, tease, flirt. In your conversation, avoid the heavy topics like religion, politics, and past relationships. Here’s a great rule of thumb – if you feel compelled to talk about your exes, you are not ready for dating. The same applies to him. If he starts bad-mouthing his exes, that’s a huge red-flag. Talk of the exes is a dating killer. Don’t ask about his past relationships and deflect any questions about yours. Those are questions for possible future dates.

Should you find yourself becoming attracted to the guy, you’ll be giving off signals that you think are obvious. Most guys won’t pick up on those signals. The guys who pick up on those signals easily are very likely players and/or serial daters. There are women who are perfectly content to play the field. If you are one of those and you’ve found a player, rejoice and have fun. Players can be great fun. Just know that commitment isn’t likely in the cards.

Most guys really don’t know how to act on dates and this applies doubly when dealing with a woman who is attracted to him. It’s your job to escalate a bit with a light tough to his hand, gazing intently at his eyes, and actually telling him “I’m having a really good time, thank you.” Gratitude is such a rare commodity that he will likely be quite smitten.

If you two are hitting it off, he might recommend moving to another location, perhaps for a drink. This is a player alert. The pick up artistry guys call this “bouncing” and it serves as an interruption to your mood so he can maintain his confident “frame” (state of mind). However, if the bounce is to an early dinner, he’s likely not a serious player. Those guys avoid dinners on most “dates”. They go straight for drinks of the alcoholic kind.

During the bounce, take his arm so you can walk together a bit more intimately. Hopefully he will offer you his arm. Also, if the attraction level is high between you both, he will hopefully be bold enough to stop, hold your waist lightly and kiss you on the mouth. Let him because there is mutual attraction. For us folks over a certain age, a kiss is simply a kiss, a sign of attraction and affection. It doesn’t automatically mean sex on the first date. Hell, our lives are complicated with kids, elderly parents, work, the whole catastrophe. It’s just a kiss.

If you’re just that not attracted enough for a second date, let the date play out and if offered the bounce to another venue, avoid it politely. “I’d rather stay, I like it here.” Be polite and gracious even if your date isn’t. If he offers a hug, take it. If he goes to kiss you on the mouth, turn your head to offer the cheek. It’s a bit cheesy but avoids awkwardness.

Despite the lack of attraction on your part, some guys might get assertive at this point and I hate that. Do your best with that and do it politely. If he asks for a second date, tell him you will text him or email him. When you do text or email him, let him down easy: “I had a very nice time with you and I appreciate your thoughtfulness. But I must say that we’re not a good fit and I wish you the best of luck.” You will likely be sending out quite a few of those messages. Unfortunately, you might get some nasty responses. Ignore those, please.

While first dates can be filled with anxiety and nervousness (for both of you), they can also be quite fun if you go in with a happy and positive vibe. Being happy and fun can make a man’s heart melt with desire and affection. Use that power for good, not evil.

First Date From Online Dating – Protocol For Men

A Reminder – Spring Break, 2013

Details here:

This could be much fun.

The Online Dating Profile Photography Problem…For Men

A good online dating profile must have photographs. This applies equally to men and women. I recommend at least one professional photo combined with three or four candid photos. It’s the candid photos that causes men the most problems. For the most part, men don’t take candid photos of each other. It’s weird for us. But those candid photos are vital because women surf photos just like the guys.

There is, however, a scenario in which guys are more than happy to snap photos of each other: it’s when we have accomplished something. This is why so many guy’s profiles feature a photograph of them holding up a freshly-caught fish, at least here in Florida. This also includes the various activities that a guy might enjoy – motorcycling, jet skiing, hunting, etc.

A guy’s profile typically has a really bad mix of photos. There might be a posed photo with the ex photoshopped out. Then comes a fish photo, then a motorcycle photo, and finally the obligatory bathroom mirror shot. That’s it. It’s small wonder that women surf photos, they’re desperate to find something different!

There is a solution here but it requires men to step out of their comfort zone. With good cameras in smart phones, it’s real easy for a guy to give his buddy the phone, “take some photos of me but make them candid.” Many of the photos will be suckage. No matter, delete the bad ones and keep at it.

After a variety of social venues and cooperative camera/phone-toting friends, the guy can build up a fairly impressive variety of candid photos. These should also include photos that show the guy interacting socially with women. There’s some preselection in that.

Online dating is a challenge and any guy doing it should take it seriously, especially the photos. I’ll re-iterate, women look at those photos first and will instantly move on should they not be sufficiently intrigued or impressed with the man’s visual appearance.

Calling Captain Obvious!

When I hear discussions about dating, it always amazes me that many of you seem not to have any time for actual dates. We stuff every waking moment with something that is not dating. Yet we manage to complain mightily about wanting to date.

It’s time to call in Captain Obvious:

This is your captain speaking, if you want to have a fun and healthy dating life, you have to make time for it.

For men, it’s their enthusiasms – video games, sports, outdoor hobbies, etc – that often fill their time to the exclusion of dating. Those are optional activities in life and must be re-arranged accordingly. Your buddies will understand. Your favorite team won’t miss your eyeballs for a couple of games. These are small sacrifices for perhaps meeting a very wonderful girl.

For women, it’s usually social activities or something like yoga which eat into their potential dating time. Your friend, Linda, doesn’t need to see you every Saturday for lunch. If she’s a real friend, she’ll be supportive. If she gets possessive with you time, re-evaluate your friendship. Also, don’t forget that you shouldn’t be talking about your dating life with your friends (link below)

For the online daters, it takes time to write and/or respond messages. It takes time to read profiles. It takes time to write and modify a profile. In general, if you don’t have the time to date, you shouldn’t even try and stop bitching about it.

I certainly understand that work and family are always priorities for both men and women. Regardless, dating does take time. Let’s call in Captain Obvious for an encore performance:

This is your captain speaking, you will meet people who are unsuitable for you. Dating is a risk.

This is the really frustrating part of dating because of the time spent (and money) with people who will never get a second date. Fortunately, the risk can really pay off. Also, each date is an opportunity to learn and meet someone to have a good conversation with. Social skills require practice and dating is excellent practice.

Captain Obvious has now left the building, for now.

A Huge Dating Secret For Women


Post Navigation