The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Helpful Hint For A Woman’s Online Dating Profile

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[This post has persistence. With that in mind, here are three other posts that directly addresses some of the dating challenges that women face: A Dating Exercise For Women, the Amazing Follow-up,  and A Huge Dating Secret For Women. Enjoy]

I read so many online dating profiles that I get dizzy. The vast majority of women’s online dating profiles are completely and utterly generic: Walks on the beach, shopping, I’m fabulous, I love my dog, no games, family and friends are important. This goes on ad infinitum and ad nauseam. Such generic text does not speak well of a woman’s sense of honest introspection.

Worse, the photos are simply awful. Bad photos tell men that the woman really isn’t making much of an effort. Advice? Professional photographs. I mean that. Who is telling women that men are not visual? Is Oprah or Dr. Phil telling those lies? Someone needs a clue-by-four upside the head.

It’s been said over and over again: Women must bring something to the dating and relationship table if they want something more than just a short-term fling. Women are the gatekeepers of sexuality. The flip side of that is that men are the gatekeepers of commitment. In the long run, men hold the relationship power (most of them just don’t know it).

With this in mind, a good online dating profile must clearly spell out what a woman offers to her potential paramour and candidate for a committed relationship. Here’s another huge mistake that a woman makes – she describes herself in terms of what she wants in a man. This is where the strong and independent fallacy takes shape. A woman wants a strong and independent man so she incorrectly believes that a man wants a strong and independent woman. That is completely wrong. Men want a feminine women but one who is resilient and self-reliant. The feminine attracts the masculine.

As men are rational and logical creatures regarding dating, a woman should specifically state what she offers in terms of what a man actually wants. A list is not the stuff of romance unicorns and rainbows. But a woman must consider her audience. Logic and reason are masculine qualities and a woman must communicate to such an audience with her profile.

I’ll make it easy for the women with an example and format to use. My comments are in brackets. These are only examples. If a woman wants to use this example, she best do a serious inventory of what she offers a man.

Top 10 Reasons Why I Would Be Your Best Girlfriend Ever:

10. You will see me wearing sexy lingerie more than “comfortable” undies. [I think this is fairly obvious.]

9. You won’t hear me nag and complain because I don’t sweat the small stuff. [Men loathe nagging and complaining. It’s sandpaper on our eardrums and on our brains.]

8. You will be proud to have me on your arm when we go out in public and your friends will probably be envious. [Dresses, skirts, high heels makeup, and good hair. A man wants to take pride in the woman on his arm.]

7. You will never, ever compete with me. [Men compete with each other, not the woman in his life. competitiveness is a masculine trait.]

6. You will be nicely surprised when I kiss you passionately at unexpected times and in unexpected places. [Affection helps to bond a man to you.]

5. You will never see me roll my eyes at you when you say something because I will respect you. [Men want respect and even small signs of disrespect will drive a man away from you. Try that shit in public and I advise the man to walk away immediately without regret.]

4. You will see my smile far more often than my frown. [Negative feelings are mostly unnecessary drama for men. As the Swedes say about a good woman – she should be happy, horny, and grateful]

3. You will find yourself thinking seriously about my observations on life and current events. [Many men won’t well tolerate a woman who only knows shopping and reality TV.]

2. You won’t be holding my purse at the shoe store. You won’t even BE at the shoe store with me. [Do you see that bored chump in the shoe store holding his girl’s purse? ‘Nuff said.]

1. You rarely, if ever, hear these awful words: “I’m not in the mood”. [Deny sex too often and he will deny or break his commitment. Go ahead ladies, try it. If he still sticks around anyway then you will quickly learn to loathe him.]

Notice how these statements are structured with the personal pronoun “you” leading each one. The emphasis is on the guy, not the gal. An entitlement princess would never write such things. This kind of list should lead the profile to show what the woman offers in the context of dating and relationships.

As for the rest of the profile, that advice will come later. Let’s just say it isn’t a list of demands but a more creative way of expressing a woman’s preferences in a man.

Final Note – Consider the services of a professional dating coach. Seriously, I mean that.

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69 thoughts on “Helpful Hint For A Woman’s Online Dating Profile

  1. What, women are not relationship experts? Colour me shocked, they keep going from one to another, so they obviously know how to start and stop them … 🙂
    Oh, and congratulations on your new tech gig!

  2. johnnymilfquest on said:

    “Women are the gatekeepers of sexuality. The flip side of that is that men are the gatekeepers of commitment.”

    I’m not so sure that women on POF are even looking for commitment.

    I’m serious folks. Its not just a case of “going about it the wrong way”. I’m not sure they even want anything long term. Even the ones who *say* they do.

    • As you are a Red Pill man, you certainly understand the whole actions versus words thing regarding women. I also wonder if women (not girls) really do want a long term relationship. Their actions – the requirements list, the flaking, the demand for instant chemistry, etc – point in a very different direction and it’s not towards commitment.

      You point to the fundamental flaw in online dating: the false sense of abundance. As there are so many profiles, it’s assumed that there are an equal number of options (exceptions granted for smaller communities). Combine this with the worst of advice from women friends and blue pill men: “Love will happen when you least expect it.” “Prince Charming is right around the corner.” “You deserve better”, etc and it’s easy to see how women find themselves perpetually single.

      This is why I recommend a good dating coach. A good dating coach is a cult-deprogrammer. The cult being blue pill ideas, feminist dating and relationship ideology (there is such a thing), emotional pornography for women, and the like. A dating coach can really help with getting rid of such toxic ideas and bringing a woman back down to earth. Lori Gottlieb’s book, “Marry Him, The Case For Settling For Mr. Good Enough” is an example of a coach working with a woman to help her with taking the Red Pill.

      BBSezmore has a great review of that book. Ms Gottlieb actually rejected a guy’s profile because he was wearing a pink, polka-dot bow tie in his photo. This is what men are up against. Private Man’s axiom of attraction #3: Before a woman is intimate with a man (physically or emotionally), she is looking for reasons to reject that man. Private Man’s axiom of attraction #4: Should the vagina be tingling, a man’s character means little.

      For women looking for a less expensive alternative, there is always the Manosphere. Consider Olive as the most recent example of a woman turning to men for honest input on the sexual/relationship market place and how women need to understand the realities on the ground (Dating 2.0) versus the fantasy of contemporary social expectations.

    • amanda on said:

      actually, some women on POF are looking for commitment.

  3. susanawalsh on said:

    Excellent post PM. I need to write more about online dating. You’re a treasure trove of information on the topic.

    It seems to me that a woman who follows your strategy would be so unusual she could set herself apart on that basis alone.

    • Indeed. I would also recommend that a woman set up a fake men’s profile on Plenty of Fish (free) to see the vast sameness in women’s online dating profiles. It’s so easy for a woman to set herself apart, it’s laughable. Of course, the photos… oh, those photos…

      You’re welcome to use any of my online dating blog posts, I think they are fairly well categorized in the dating/online dating group. Just bear in mind the demographic who reads my blog, it ain’t the young’uns. It’s people like Munson!

    • susanawalsh, you are correct! I used PM’s advice several years ago when I was looking for a boyfriend using OkCupid. It really did set my profile apart, according to the men who messaged me. 🙂

  4. I’m not sure a professional quality photo is exactly what a woman needs on the profile. It should be high quality (no webcams!), but not a casting head shot. I usually assume a profile with a professional photo is a front for a commercial outfit of some sort.

  5. just visiting on said:

    Very thoughtful list of reasons.

  6. Interesting. Although I don’t advise women (or men) get professional photos taken. Nobody ever looks as good as they do in a headshot. I think a lot of men would be suspicious of that and wonder if there’s a bait and switch happening. Plus it just looks like you’re trying too hard.

    I’d like to link and write a companion post to this. Is that okay?

    • As I am a writer (not proofreader!) by trade, I tend to focus mostly on the words. As for photos, I need to further refine my advice. At least one or two should be professional (or of similar quality). The rest should be very good candid shots and at least one must include the whole body. I’d stick to no more than eight photos but at least three is minimum. Too many comes across as vain, too few comes across as hiding something. Oh, and guys know that only head shots or the “angles” is hiding an overweight figure.

      Sure link and post all you want.

      • Anonymous on said:

        For a reasonably attractive woman: you should have one main high-resolution recent “nice” face shot with makeup and nice clothing. This doesn’t have to be professional, but think high-quality shot from a DSLR camera at a wedding where you are dressed up. However, if you look good/young without much makeup, you should also have one natural-looking very candid face shot because this will do a lot toward assuring him that you are not all smoke and mirrors, so to speak. Likewise, there should be one photo that shows your body.

  7. Thanks for the link love, PM. I’m glad to see your post on online dating profiles, I know you’ve had it cued up for a while!

  8. Call me cynical, but if I heard “You won’t hear me nag and complain because I don’t sweat the small stuff” it would be the same as me hearing “not into games.” Red flags shoot up and I’d immediately think “she sweats everything” – and this is her new tag line because her last five relationships ended because her then man told her he was basically tired of her harping (micromanaging, whatever) on everything. And I mean everything.

    It’s great advice, and would be a much welcome admission if she camouflaged the sentiment a little better. Am I nitpicking?

    • “As men are rational and logical creatures regarding dating, a woman should specifically state what she offers in terms of what a man actually wants.”

      I take this with a big pinch of salt, and Hoss – your comment is the perfect confirmation of my skepticism.

      If I were a man and I read, “You will see me wearing sexy lingerie more than “comfortable” undies,” I would probably think: “What, is she…
      a slut
      into burlesque or Victorian role playing
      a former escort
      desperately trying to move damaged goods for some other reason?”

      Even men appreciate subtlety. 😀

      But what I do see sometimes are traditional, warm-hearted women who surround their profiles with defensive spikes because they are afraid of being approached by exploitative, Quiverfull types. And I don’t think you can succeed at dating, online or otherwise, if you worry too much about the bad eggs. I agree with PrivateMan’s “negative” advice: DON’T use the phrase “strong and independent.” So you can take care of yourself; that’s great! But if you were as independent as a haughty Brazilian jaguar, you wouldn’t be on a dating site. Spare us the fish/bicycle business.

  9. Anonymous on said:

    11. You will not be ignored. I will pick up the phone if you call unless I can’t get to the phone for some reason.

    12. You will never hear me disrespect your friends.

    13. You will not see me take down my friends or complain and pass it off as “snarky” (Lord, I hate that word) humor. Instead, when you laugh it’s because I am actually funny and not mean.

    14. You will not see me pick fights or lose my temper with you or strangers. I’ll deal with people in a calm manner.

    • Oh, those are great. Keep ’em coming!

      • Anonymous on said:

        Along the lines of #13, I have seen some TRULY good funny profiles by women and met some truly funny women. They tend to be self-deprecating or just straight-up funny. The best use humor to lead into something telling/insightful/intelligent.

        BUT those women NEVER describe themselves as “snarky” or “sarcastic” because snark and sarcasm tend to be synonymous with “mean.”

  10. Anonymous on said:

    15. You will have a similar world view as me (obviously, this one is chance and less about what I actively do to be a perfect girlfriend).

    16. If I drew a good lot in the parent lottery, you will see that I love mine and respect mine. If I drew a bad lot in the parent lottery, you will see that I have made true efforts to work through my issues.

    17. You will not be my babysitter, landlord, or financial planner because I have that stuff in order.

  11. Anonymous on said:

    18. If you tell me something personal, you know I will not use it against you.

    19. You will not necessarily see perfection in me all the time, but you’ll see honest, continued effort toward becoming a better girlfriend and wife.

    20. Your goals will be encouraged and supported, not laughed at or disparaged.

    • Father Marker on said:

      #20 is a big one for me! I threw a good career because of this very issue in dealing with the missus. If only I’d had MGTOW knowledge ten years ago.

  12. Martini on said:

    Okay, here’s my efforts:

    21. I will not drive away your friends and will be polite and gracious no matter what my personal feelings are towards them. I will not “invite” myself along on guys’ nights out or forbid you certain activities; hunting, fishing, strip clubs, whatever.

    22. I will respect your space and need for privacy; we do not need to be joined at the hip and I will not perform inquisitions.

    23. You will never see any trace of certain products nor have to hear about female hygiene, health, or beauty issues. (I will never say the words, “do I look fat in…?”)

    24. I will not get fat.

  13. PM

    In order to have some basis for commenting here I tried to go on I forgot that there is no “married” checkbox, and if I signed in as divorced or whatever AND Susan found out I’d end up “florentin’d a’ flagrante” as in “The Ref”. Anyway, they now send over pics though, no profiles, so I got nuthin’. But I will say this; in the 59 yr. old category, dude, if I ever am single again (God forbod) I might as well close shop. Mother Nature wants her babies, and she wants them from young people, and at my age you cannot hide the effects of taking a few spins around the solar system. These women are so ugly they’ll have to sneak up on Death itself. And I’m sure any I’d find attractive, say in the early 40s, would go “What does this old man think he’s up to?”

    But all the rules for women by and large boil down to this:

    In case you overlooked my point, might I suggest that if you are a woman of “certain age”, and are, in the common parlance, “in the game”, that instead of directing your efforts towards accoutrement, hair, clothes, the phony airbrushed picture some of you employ, or any other statagems designed to divert one from a certain very apparent and obvious issue, to prevent anyone from gaining a perspective on your size as women euphemistically put it, that perhaps you should invest a proportionate share of your attention towards developing a reasonably presentable physical specimen, one whose dimensions do not confuse onlookers with a solar eclipse, does not conjure visions of your consuming refrigerators full of cold dead young children, the latter being sequentially devoured en’ toto in one immense gulp by your capacious jaws, one that does not inspire your prospective paramour to imagine that, should he indeed chance to venture into the valley of your thighs, that moving them apart would not release a blast of suppressed near indigenous gasses, the same having been trapped there for decades and in their putrefaction having morphed into a toxic mix that literally dissolves him like the Germans at the end of “Raiders of the Lost Srk”, only this not from divine heavenly intervention but rather its hellish, earthly opposite, although similarly inspired by one of the Seven Deadly Sins, that being Gluttony as opposed to Greed.

    Just a suggestion.

    • Sarah Dubois on said:

      Men who obsess about pounds on a woman are usually quite small, insecure, smelly, ugly, and dress poorly. They want a princess to kiss them and release them from their froggishness. Can you spell insecure? Whom have you slept with? Released gases? How desperate were you that you would even have an inkling of something so vile? Walk on, look away; no need to harass the unlovely. Rest easy, homeliness is not leprosy.

      • LostSailor on said:

        Women who generalize about men in this manner are usually shambling landwhales with poor self-control and social skills. Fat acceptance doesn’t go over well here. It’s contrary to human nature.

        As for Mr. Munson, he was probably the most secure guy on the planet.

      • You do realize, Ms Troll, that Mr. Munson passed away?

  14. Great post. I like the idea of women flipping the script, and not acting solely as the pursued prize, but blatantly advertising why they are worth pursuing. They advertise in non-blatant ways – with makeup and clothing, etc, but they are not direct and say what they offer that others don’t.

    It sends the signal that most women don’t want to send – that they are not the obvious prize who needs to do nothing other than pick choose and sort among options. That would be very attractive to a man.

    It would be a good strategy for a woman.

    I’m surprised you don’t see more of it. I’m surprised you don’t see ANY of it.

    • You shouldn’t be surprised. Most women are lemmings and only do just enough in life to get by and are okay with that. Women ads expect men with their game and head on straight to accept them for their fuckups…you know, the poor attitude, poor choices in significant others, poor ediucation, et al.

  15. BTW if you violate MY basic rule, it’s sort of like violating the Basic Speed Rule.It doesn’t matter which ones you obey.I will not care if you wear sexy lingerie; you’re fat.I won’t care if you don’t compete with me, complain or refrain from any obnoxious behaviors whilst maintaining commodious ones you’re fat-fuck off.

    • thats harsh. shallow much? wondering how many pounds a woman has to be in order to be considered unworthy of a relationship or love?

      • P Ray on said:

        I wonder how short a man has to be in order to be considered unworthy of a relationship or love?
        If women were so egalitarian … they’d date/be married to men earning less than them, less educated than them, shorter than them.
        Pop into your local mall to see who the shallow people _REALLY_ are.

  16. Sam

    Fat is fat; if you need a definition of it, you probably are it.It is not a matter of a certain number of pounds. Like pornography, you know it when you see it. Relationships, love-certainly fat people are worthy of it; many attain it. We are talking here raw sexual attraction at its most elemental level. go sentimentalize it all you want Sam; but it’s a harsh world. Obesity is ugly, it is a game changer, and if you don’t want to believe that put a tooth under your pillow and the tooth fairy will give you a dollar, Santa will be on your roof next December 24th, and a bunny rabbit will drop off a chocolate replica of himself along with other sweets this spring.

    Yes I am shallow, and clear eyed, and honest, and level headed and, above all, A FUCKING ,GROWN UP! You my dear sir, or madam, whichever the case may be are deep, deep as a wishing well.

  17. in addition to weight, there are a lot of ways women can be ugly – where do the guys here draw the line? how about a THIN woman (your coveted ideal) that has cellulite or stretch marks? or other external things (not really in a women’s control)? is that a “raw sexual attraction” killer? i’ve met a number of beautiful women who have little self-confidence after encountering men with such harsh opinions. it’s a real shame.

    • P Ray on said:

      They encountered the harsh opinions because they were after men …
      that had better option.
      Spare some sympathy for the men who get shredded by women,
      they are the ones that the women who say “I never felt pretty” think are not worth mentioning.

  18. Kaila on said:

    Loved the tips! I’m going to use the style of this for sure! It’s funny and clever and in reality is what will first attract a man in the first instance.
    Only 2 issues is;
    * girls want an awesome guy… This could attract 5 million pure sleaze guys that only want one thing and one thing only.. I want that ‘thang’ too but not only that!
    * 8 point…that statement sounds like someone who is full of themselves…and you would have to be super hot to get away with this statement.
    Otherwise I loved it! Totally going to use this! Love it!

    • P Ray on said:

      When other women start noticing your profile getting a lot of male attention,
      is when they’ll start to copy you.
      Hope you have some innovative ways to get around the inevitable.

  19. Great blog, thank you for writing it and such helpful/clarifying posts
    Here are a couple of particularly amusing profiles I just came across:
    And this one has to be a gag because it was laugh-out-loud funny and oth if it is real then the world is indeed ending soon:

  20. When we’re trying to learn how to be good at something, we speak to a tutor. Studies show that the men who have the most sex and who are also most fulfilled are those who are happily married or in a long term monogamous relationship (never mind what you’re single guy friends told you). Research it if you don’t believe me. There is a very tiny minority of guys (like George Clooney) who can play the field successfully with gorgeous women for years but these guys have won the genetic lottery. Unless your a George Clooney look alike, you may do well to read a book like Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and/or speak to a man who has been happily married for years. These are the expert sources you want to learn from if you are to have luck with a worthwhile woman.

  21. Just be yourself, that’s what everyone wants, right? Someone to feel comfortable with when your at your best and even when you aren’t. I guess that’s what I want.
    Top 10 reason’s I’ll be your best girlfriend ever:

    10 – You can have poker night without complaint (I might want to play sometimes)
    9 – You can count on me to trust you without that you wouldn’t be calling me your awesome girlfriend in the first place
    8 – You will feel like a knight in shining armour from time to time
    7 – You won’t ever wonder if I am judging you
    6 – You’ll come to learn I know the difference between sexy, sassy, classy, cute, and hot – not to mention when to be which one
    5 – You experience random acts of kindness towards others including you
    4 – You’ll be surprised that I can make you think and about more than whether or not my shoes look good with my outfit, or if my butt looks fat.
    3 – You’ll hear me celebrating more than complaining, see me smiling more than frowning, and dancing/singing more than sitting silently.
    2 – You can expect if I ask you to shop with me it’s only because I’m buying something you know better than me or would want to see
    1 – You bet I know how to cure a headache

    I hope to grow together with someone to be the cute old couple that still holds hands, flirts, kisses in public and looks deep into eachother’s eyes with love, compassion and understanding.

    The directions on the site say “talk about your hobbies, goals, what makes you uniqe and your taste in music.” Well, for me, I guess that’s the fun stuff you talk about as you get to know someone.

    So, at the end of the day I’m looking for a relationship, not in a rush but that’s ultimately why I’m here. If you’re looking for the same, I’d love to hear from you.

  22. That is my profile. I’m not really sure how we’ll define success (quality or quantity), but I do appreciate the advice and I have gotten a lot of “great profile” and “wow, you sound amazing” guessing I should get rid of #1 because about 1 in 10 are asking me how to cure a headache – LOL

    Thanks for the advice, it helped me to shift my focus from what I want to what I have to offer someone else.

    • What an awesome profile…shoot, having seen it, I”d just about try and move you across the pond just to get a load of your happenin’ self. Oh well.

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  24. aggysbrew on said:

    Its interesting. Makes me want to go register on POF just to see what would come of it. Thanx for the butt kick.

  25. OH my gosh your advice totally worked! I had an OKcupid profile for a week, and had over 200 views and only 3 messages from total cr**pers. I revamped my profile similarly to what you suggested (with my own twist of course), and with-in minutes I had two new messages! This is awesome, I just need to start thinking more like a guy – what a novel concept, duh! Why didn’t I do this sooner? Thanks for your insight!

    [When referring to men, the “c” word is banned on my blog.]

    • I’m not sure you have to think “more like a guy” but realize that in some ways, like attracts like, such as with your creepers and in other ways, guys like women who COMPLEMENT them. I like myself when I see myself in the mirror first thing in the morning, but I don’t want to date my twin, either.

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  27. I’ll post this comment on behalf of a hater. I don’t want ’em to get through moderation.

    “Reading this made me sick to my stomach, I hope women and men don’t take it seriously. I really have nothing left to say about people who post shit like this online and pretend it’s advice meant to help anyone.”

    Not only do they take it seriously, I get emails complimenting such good advice and testimonials as to how well it works. And why would you get sick to your stomach? You explained yourself poorly. I await your response. I’m not letting you out of moderation, but I’ll copy and paste your comment here.

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  33. Bit chauvinist…its not all about what you want mister; and a great woman or man isn’t inhibited by old fashioned gender roles but helpful male perspective.

    • Actually, if a woman wants to get a man to commit, it is far more about him because he has something that she wants. Men are the gatekeepers to commitment. Also, gender roles don’t inhibit us, they very much define us, especially in the context of dating and relationships. Please check your political correctness at the door.

      That list is on many online dating profiles and the feedback very positive feedback from the women who are using that list or a variation of it on their online dating profiles.

    • Nice try, sweetcheeks. Us men aren’t totally defined by how many kids we’ve put into existence or by a wedding ring. We can get by without women, not so much the other way around or you’re piling up dogs and cats and knocking out personal ads ad nauseum…

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  36. Wow my head is spinning after reading all these comments. I am on pof and luckily i have not gone too wrong. I have about 6 photos and one of them is a body shot. I agree that hiding any weight issues is misleading. I want what i offer slim, not bad looking and funny. This is not what i get 😦

  37. I just had to stop by and say thank you for posting this. Using this profile made a huge difference in my online dating life. I’m now married to the guy who’s right for me. 😀
    Again, thank you!

  38. I could no longer read the article on What women needs to bring to the relationship table. It says that the blog is locked. How do I get access?

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  41. I guess I’m the only one who finds this post rather repulsive.

  42. Of course, there’s no guarantee that this will work any better than the standard dating profile. But it could be worth a try…

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