The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

The Confidence Sub-Routine Expanded

This recent post needs to be re-visited because of a comment that asked for a further explanation on the nature of the confidence sub-routine. This also necessitates examining the next prerequisite before learning real Charisma with women.

Will you go into more on how to develop this sub routine? [Also,] I am looking into a Toastmasters that is local. Not sure what to expect other than doing public speeches when you get there.

Here’s the basic definition: Confident, inner Charisma ( the confidence sub-routine) is at the core strength of a man’s psyche. It is the knowledge that he has mastered something important to him and that the mastery gives him a sense of control over himself and his social environment.

This is the essence of the confidence sub-routine. When a man knows that he excels at something, it affects his confidence. That confidence should be manifested physically, verbally, and in regard to his overall presence and frame of mind.

Here is the most crucial element to the confidence sub-routine: it has nothing to do with being more attractive to women. The confidence sub-routine is about the man and the activity, nothing more. If a man is working on his mastery and confidence sub-routine solely for the purpose of being more attractive to women, he will fail with women.

Worse, it could result in the Sodini effect. That’s the condition of murderous anger at women when a man’s confidence sub-routine (and/or social skills) have not developed prior to learning PUA tactics and there were too many rejections because of this.

So, we start here:

Creating the confidence sub-routine requires a lengthy post unto itself.

The next element of the confidence sub-routine is acquiring excellent social skills. For some men, social skills come easily. For many others, social skills are supremely challenging and hard to learn. I am also including the social skills of being presentable in appearance, style, health, and general comportment even when not directly interacting with others.

It’s important to know that social skills is the operating system that we, as social animals, must work within. The confidence sub-routine is useless without effective social skills. These skills are not specifically to be more attractive to women. Social skills are vital when dealing with everyone on the planet. There is good news – mastering an activity could very well result in seriously improved social skills. More good news – having good social skills increases the strength of the confidence sub-routine.

My recommended website for verbal and intra-personal social skills: Succeed Socially.

As I’ve just said, the social skills come next

When the confidence sub-routine is in place and the social skills are developed on top of that, Charisma with women can be learned and practiced. It bears repeating but in a different way. The prerequisites to having Charisma with women are social skills and the confidence sub-routine. With a healthy confidence sub-routine and good social skills, there not be much Charisma to learn.

This is where a debate has surfaced. Some argue that with that healthy confidence sub-routine and those good social skills, there is no need to learn Charisma with women. I feel that some learning of Charisma is necessary. It’s extremely important to know that such learning is not a replacement for confidence and social skills.

We now have the complete picture:

One of the challenges is to find the most appropriate activity to master. It’s common Manosphere wisdom that nerdy activities should be avoided. I’ll add a huge caveat to that. It’s perfectly reasonable to master an activity that is considered nerdy, just don’t talk about it with women. Witness the kerfuffle with Alyssa Bereznak, Jon Finkel,  and Magic the Gathering. If the fellow simply didn’t talk about his enthusiasm, the resulting bullshit simply wouldn’t have happened.

Of course, not being able to discuss such mastery means that the confidence must be expressed in a man’s frame of mind and physical presence. As well, social skills must be superb. If the activity isn’t considered nerdy, it’s perfectly reasonable to bring it up in conversation. However, a man must not be obsessive about it. That’s the stuff of social skills 101.

Where the vast majority of PUA systems marketers fail is the inability to teach the confidence sub-routine or even the necessary social skills. First of all, the confidence sub-routine really can’t be taught, merely given advice in regards to. The whole “fake it to you make it” is the usual mantra from the PUA marketers and this is too often fraught with epic fail. The rejection level can be too high for a man’s poor self-confidence and so the PUA lessons are worthless because those rejections exceeded the confidence sub-routine parameters.

As for Toastmasters, I have done it myself and what you’ll get is a series of exercises and opportunities to give various types of speeches. A big part of doing Toastmasters is that you have an audience of adults looking at you. You’re the center of attention. For many men, that’s extraordinarily intimidating. Not only are you the center of attention, there are certain expectations of performance. Be relieved, Toastmasters is a great group of friendly people and won’t judge you negatively.

Mastering public speaking is a great example of building inner Charisma and the confidence sub-routine. You’ll also have the opportunity to be social and than means working on social skills.

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22 thoughts on “The Confidence Sub-Routine Expanded

  1. Quite a few strategic gems in this article.

    All 3 points were informative: especially point 3,which dealt with certain a tivities needed to be concealed,or at least not brought up in the interaction (if they’re essentially boring and nerdy).

    [Boring and nerdy to woman, that is]

  2. I think Juggler method is superb for mastering social skills in general and as such is one of the best starting points for a PUA.

    As for building confidence I think martial arts are superb. Not only do you master something but you have to really face some of your worst fears and learn to give 100% in the very scary situation of sparring with other people that do everything they can to beat you up. You will also learn to overcome physical pain to the level that you just don`t care much about it. In addition to that there is just something about the punching and kicking that builds up a ton of confidence and masculine energy. I am sure it boosts testosterone a lot. You also learn self discipline and get in great shape.

    The best and deepest ways to work on inner game is through meditation, yoga and qigong IMO. They do far more far quicker than anything else. Brain scans done on experienced meditators showed that they had far more activity in centers involved in positive emotions than any of the non meditators ever studied. THere are specific exercises to work on confidence not just happiness. I Hihgly recomend the qigong exercise the six healing sounds and the meditation inner smile as they allow you to work on all aspects of your mental states and personality. Also I have found that standing meditation has a much more beneficial effect on my ability to attract women than sitting meditation. Especially the posture called Wuji. In my opinion alpha has two core aspects. THe calm, contented, equanimous, unaffected aspect and the more aggressive self assertive testosterone related aspect. Wuji builds the calm, rooted alpha aspect of your personality while weights and martial arts builds the aggressive more assertive aspect. There are tons of different qigong excercises, many of them standing meditations, from the chineese martial arts tradition that help you build tremendous amounts of “masculine” yang energy. If you ask for advice on forums related to chinese martial arts and qigong there will be people who can guide you in choosing and learning some of these. I recomend starting with teh six healing sounds and inner smile or just regular meditation on the breath or with a mantra or standing though. ANd with all these it normally takes a fair amount of time before you start to get much put of them. It takes time to learn to still the mind and it takes time for the excercises to build but once they start working properly you can access desired mental states within minutes and after a while seconds. Advanced meditators will often be able to instantly enter states of meditation it took years for them to reach for the first time.

    THe third really helpful inner game tool is dancing. It teaches you sensuality and sexual charisma, gives you a skill you can use to attract, builds core lovemaking skills, makes you better at expressing yourself freely and reading the emotions of others. If you are good at dancing reaggeton you so much more likely to be able to escalate sexually with women, have a sexual vibe and be good in bed than someone who can`t dance.

  3. I excel at game art (digital sculpting) which segways into movie art since the computer graphics techniques are similar. This nerdy to say off the bat so I tend to just say artist. The art itself tends to really impress people when I’m doing it in front of them. This confidence isn’t always available to me. And when talking to people I often forget routines and to touch.

    I did BJJ for 2 years, and got comfortable handling guys physically. It helped with my ego, but had to give it up since it was expensive and I lost my job. I didn’t get over my freeze up when wresting a woman in class (I always ended up with them) and accidentally grabbing her boob. They took that delay as an advantage. Not sure what Wuji is. I’d love to do dancing. Salsa sounds interesting as does Yoga. I hear they are great places to meet fit women too. I’m really into nutrition as you can see on my blog. Not sure why this post hasn’t gotten many responses.

  4. Hey primallykosher. Wuji is a posture in chinese standing meditation (standing meditation is called Zhan Zhuang). Standing meditation is highly used in the chinese martial arts as a way to cultivate core physical and mental abilities/power. Try to stand between five to ten minutes in Wuji every day for a month. Just keep awareness on the breath and let the breath flow freely and keep slight awareness of the rest of your body especially your contact with the ground. You can get more detailed instructions by listening to one of these youtube videos:

    It takes time for this to start working but eventually your mind will still and you will feel a deep sense of calm and you will feel a pleasurable energy building. The best analogy to this energy is the endorphin rush after jogging. The effect of standing meditation will feel very different but in the sense of having a pleasurable energy rush through your body there is a similarity with the endorphin rush. Eventually these effects grow into something far beyond that which would take to much time to explain.

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  6. If that is related to qigong, they have a place like 30 minutes from me that has classes on it. What’s this far beyond, like other aspects of life?

    @privateman- sometimes when I’m out approaching or in conversations, I completely forget a lot I have learned. Even acting beta. I’m not sure why I wouldn’t remember any game at those points or the alternate viewpoints.I usually remember some body language fortunately. Any ideas on why I would forget what I learned?

    • Old habits die extremely hard. This is especially true when a conversation is more than just a few minutes long. Part of the problem is your frame. You don’t have good frame and so it’s easy to revert to old social skills habits. Two solutions:

      1. Fix your frame. That’s a bit facile to say, yet it that’s the essence of the issue. It’s the “I’m a fucking Jedi master at something cool” attitude.

      2. Make a conscience effort to keep your evening’s social interactions very short. This will keep you on your toes and if you feel you’re reverting, bail out of the conversation, gather your thoughts, and approach anyone else for the opportunity to interact.

  7. “If that is related to qigong, they have a place like 30 minutes from me that has classes on it. What’s this far beyond, like other aspects of life? ”

    Yes it is part of qigong, but not every tradition so they might not know it. It is very comon though so likely they know it. Learning from someone face to face is always best so I would check out hte qigong place and see what their stuff is like. Be warned though, the language with which htey present what they teach might scare you of. I would do what they teach almost every day for a month minimum and then make up my mind.

    Far beyond. THe states of mind and states of feeling in your body you will go through once you get deep into meditation and qigong is incomprehensible to most people. Think acid trip but safe. You could read up on the buddhist jhana states which are eight stages of concentration meditation that everyone will eventually encounter if they get far enough in concentration meditation. THey are charachterised by feelings of bliss, tranquility, equanimity, unity, love etc. What you feel in each state varies and as you go up to the higher jhanas you go deeper into feeling like you are nothing and that there is nothing, sort of, and in the most pleasurable way you can imagine.

    Another thing that happens is that over time your perception of your “energy body” will wake up. THis means when you do qigong you will feel rushes of energy traveling more in certain pathways in your body rather than others and you will feel that the different pathways feel different. So you will feel like there is a flow of relaxing energy flowing up your leg in a certain pattern and going up in your body and other tiny pathways up your spine and over your head that feels more alert and energized etc. THen you will learn you can control these flows with your mind and generate more of this energiez at will and you learn to play with these currents in specific ways that have desired results. So you can bring your attenation to a certain point close to your adrenal glands and learn to make it active to produce huge amounts of adrenalin and other energizing feelings or to do the reverse at the same point Etc. There is a slight similarity to NLP in this.

  8. Great post! Although, that Alyssa Bereznak is a very plain looking girl with a huge entitlement mentality and isn’t a good example of why you shouldn’t talk about your “nerdy” hobbies. If you can demonstrate enough confidence and social calibration, talking about any “nerdy” hobbies shouldn’t be a problem and can actually demonstrate alot of self confidence.

    She got the beatdown from both the man and gamosphere though! 😀

  9. so “the confidence sub-routine” is master a craft, and then take that sense of mastery and apply it to your everyday social life.

    i think that makes a lot of sense, but i do think that any true “game system” needs to address women specifically. just like a man could be a great systems engineer, but have a phobia for dogs, a man could be a great systems engineer, but have a tremendous fear of girls.

    i think “fear of girls” is not talked about enough in the community. we pretend it’s not there, but it is.

  10. i advised this months ago to remy:

    step 1 is recognizing the fear of girls

    step 2 is embracing the anger and hostility that comes from all those years of fear and rejection

    step 3 is working through that anger via being indifferent and being a jerk and fucking a bunch of girls

    step 4 is letting go of that anger, and achieving a higher level of peace and enjoyment of girls, and an acceptance of what they are, and what they are not

    step 5 is true mastery over girls, a celebration of the female form, and a celebration of the sexual abundance of life

    i am still in step 3, more or less.

  11. The fear isn’t a rational fear either. I don’t think your going to get murdered over a bad approach, although it is possible. The only thing I know of getting rid of fear is to do something.

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  13. I’m relatively new to the blog, Privateman and I want to say I think you’ve really said some profound stuff here.

    I’m not “pro-game” or “anti-game” although I am a former Nice Guy who used a few game sites to straighten myself out and improve my success with women.

    I wanted to say though that I highly recommend COOKING as something to build your confidence in. Not only is it relatively cheap and easy to get into once you get some meager supplies, but women absolutely go crazy for men who can cook. It’s almost like God mode.

  14. DC Philo on said:

    So, I have the following that I consider myself good at:

    1. An appreciation for classical music, nurtured from my junior year of high school and over the past 20 years. I regularly go to concerts and operas, and have enough of a music background (years of piano lessons when younger) where I can talk intelligently about the subject and provide my own input on stuff that I hear. The downside is that, at least here in the US, most concert-goers are geriatrics and you find very few younger people (i.e., 20-somethings) that aren’t music students. I’ve never met any women this way because the attractive ones are either absent or appear to be in relationships. Along with the geriatrics is the general anti-intellectual stance that has been the norm in schools and culture for over 20 years or so. It used to be that music was taught regularly in schools, and, years ago, common people enjoyed listening to the symphony, etc. Those days are long gone.

    On the flip side, my passion for classical music has attracted somewhat intelligent women to me and who are marveled that a guy would know something about this subject, and are willing to have me teach something to them. DHV, for sure.

    2. Knowledge of philosophy, sociology, history, etc. — which means that I present myself as a cultured, well-read, and well-rounded individual. Again, this attracts intelligent women, but not necessarily the sort that I’d want to get physical with (think: borderline frumpy and Birkenstock-wearing vegans.) Again, the lowbrowization of US culture and education already put a bullet through the head of this kind of woman, who was also feminine, many years ago.

    3. Presenting myself as “normal” and stable and even-keeled vs. men my own age or younger. (I’m focusing on younger women, mind you.) I remember a speed-dating event I went to a year ago and, of 11 women who were there, I wound up with 5 or 6 numbers, which all turned into dates and led to one bang. I got lucky, though, since two other events yielded nothing or slim pickings. But, that first event told me that, of the guys who were there, I must have been the “catch” that night. And, I was just being myself? 😉

  15. teh_skeeze on said:

    Gotta feel bad for Jon Finkel. As a M:tg player I have a lot of respect for that man. If it weren’t for him (and less than a handfull of others) the game would not be where it is today. The problem is women, and Americans in general, do not respect intellectual might. Professional athletes put just as much time and effort into their hobby, they just happen to make more money at the top and their physical prowess fuels women’s need for security. I’m sure there are professional athletes that are just as dorky as Finkel that are swimming in pussy. Adrian Peterson plays M:tg, not that he’s dorky.

    Really think about it. She talked bad about him because he mastered his hobby and became World Champion. No woman would ever talk bad about Aaron Rodgers because he’s a World Champion. Hell Ms. America went on national television to tell him to call her.


  16. I agree having good social skills is the key not only to women but to success and a happy life as well.

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  18. Hamster Tamer on said:

    RE: Alyssa Bereznak… HMOG! She looks like a 13-year-old BOY with long hair (as often seen walking down TPM’s street w/ surfboard under arm). And these are pics that SHE HERSELF has selected to present to The World… so you can (if brave) imagine what her “morning/just rolled outta bed” face is like. =:O

    Point is, she gots no grounds ta trash talk anyone… even if she DID possess Advanced Bedroom Skillz®, which is highly UNlikely, given her attitude… and American pedigree.

    OTOH, it mirrors my experience IRL, where (some) 5/6s dump me for no (male-comprehensible) reason, yet (some, OK two) 7/8s become stalkers whom I have to threaten with legal action… or telling their husbands.

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