The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

One A Day – A Social Exercise For Men

There is a mantra amongst those teaching and practicing the Venusian arts – approach women, approach women, approach women. I also believe that’s an absolutely vital strategy for meeting and becoming more comfortable when interacting with women. But it requires vast confidence and smooth social skills (links below) to be an approach honey badger. Too many men simply don’t have that confidence and those social skills.

There is a growing cultural pathology that affects men quite deeply. It’s social isolation (link below) where a single man, outside of work retreats to his home, his television, his Internet connection, his gaming console and doesn’t deal with people face to face. He might interact digitally with people ’round the ‘Net but this really doesn’t count. The crucial direct interaction is missing. There are no gestures and other physical indicators of human-to-human communication to respond to.

Rather than urging men to approach women, I have a more modest exercise for single men to undertake – meet one new person every day. This doesn’t mean a quick hello or meaningless “How’re ya doing?”. It means actually exchanging names, handshake optional. For guys unaccustomed to this, it will initially feel awkward as hell. But after a few times, meeting someone new will feel more natural. Of course, there might be some awkward moments yet they will pass and will ultimately be forgotten.

Of course, meeting someone new every day requires getting out and about. It means actually changing the day-to-day routine in order to actually be around more people (link below). One of the best ways to meet new people is to go shopping, especially for clothes, accessories, and shoes. The salespeople are supposed to be friendly and helpful. A quick “What’s your name?” followed by your own introduction works well. Just move to the business of shopping with the help of the salesperson so that it’s clear the interaction is about the merchandise, not poker invitation. But any social interaction is an opportunity to meet someone new, regardless of gender.

This exercise was the idea of a friend and colleague and he has actually started doing this. I am encouraging to start a blog about his efforts so that he can serve as a possible example of how this exercise plays out. I’ve already got the Phat Guy (link below) blogging more about physical fitness. My colleague’s blog will be about social fitness.

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The Confidence Sub-Routine Expanded

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Social Isolation

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36 thoughts on “One A Day – A Social Exercise For Men

  1. someguy302004 on said:

    Totally agree with this. In fact, the most social guy in my neighborhood is often brought up whenever I mention to someone in my town the street I live on. He’s a musician from a band that used to open for Jimmy Buffet for a few decades–being social is part of his persona.

  2. LostSailor on said:

    This is absolutely essential. I have the benefit of living in NYC, which is a “walking” city, so I’m out and about quite frequently. For men who are emerging from social isolation, it is crucial to become practiced at chatting up people all the time, men or women. I do it at the bus-stop, on the subway, while running errands, with the checkout girls at the supermarket (it’s not that they’re hot, most aren’t–though a few are–but that they are young) where they all know my name and smile when I go in.

    With enough practice, like with this exercise, having a real conversation with a complete stranger becomes second nature, which is a core of the “confidence sub-routine.”

    For example, a couple of days ago, an early-40-ish woman–slender, blonde, stylishly dressed, and clearly foreign–stopped me on the subway platform on my morning commute with a question about the trains. Since I have a subway app on my phone, I was able to answer her question and where blue-pill me would have left it there, Red-Pill me struck up a conversation that continued on the train until my stop. I made a vague gambit to see her again that was unsuccessful, but the conversation was very fun and upbeat. I wasn’t really running game on her, but just practicing the habit of talking–really conversing–with anyone I meet.

    It really does change your whole outlook…

  3. “There is a growing cultural pathology that affects men quite deeply. It’s social isolation (link below) where a single man, outside of work retreats to his home, his television, his Internet connection, his gaming console and doesn’t deal with people face to face. He might interact digitally with people ’round the ‘Net but this really doesn’t count. The crucial direct interaction is missing. There are no gestures and other physical indicators of human-to-human communication to respond to.”

    If I wasn’t married with kids, this is exactly what I would do at this stage of my life.

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  5. bleh… That would mean I would have to pretend to care 365 more times than I have to. Too much effort. How about the next time I see some dope about to walk out into traffic because they are too busy texting to pay attention I give it the old college try and really think about maybe trying to warn them? That’d be a lot more than I did the last time. That’s a start, right?

    • Hamster Tamer on said:

      Don’t tell us you’ve let the femi-kommissars turn you into an uncaring cynic… step back from the abyss… besides, you can’t acquire social science data if you don’t participate.

      • The problem is you can inadvertently be providing positive social interaction to a white knight or a mangina. I already don’t care about women, their problems, or what happens to women. Why reinforce societal acceptance of these sorts of people? My personal belief is that society will only get better after it collapses under the weight of its own feminist stupidity.

      • I have a problem with “why reinforce social acceptance of ‘these’ sorts of people” when

        – You are talking about 50% of the human population.
        – And you are putting them under one umbrella and assigning them universal personality traits and characteristics based on their anatomy and their chromosomal makeup.

        Since you’d never, ever, ever want to deal with one of those awful people with vaginas and double-X chromosomes, what’s exactly the problem here? Why worry about talking to women? Why even fret over women? Nobody’s saying you have to pretend to care about women, or talk to women. Nobody’s judging your decision to remain single and lead a woman-free life.

        It’s sad, I feel like….some guys truly want to be single and truly don’t want to have to interact with women. But they feel like there’s some kind of social expectation that they attempt to date and interact with women, so they force themselves into it, even though it’s not ultimately what they want.

        My advice to you, GT66, is do what you want, and screw everyone else’s opinions. If you don’t want anything to do with women, then that is 100% up to you. It’s your life to live.

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  7. Hamster Tamer on said:

    Good social exercise, forcibly expand your comfort zone, etc… just have to be as genuine as possible, and NOT come off like Guy Smiley, The Greazy Used Car Salesman, lol.

  8. good call. as Yohami says, “game everyone”. i’ve been saying this for a while- waitresses, cashiers at supermarkets, anyone that has to speak to you at their job.

  9. And what about introverts? To me, it’s not a matter of having or not having the ability to do it, but it tires me like hell to do this kind of thing.

    • taterearl on said:

      It’s a decision. I was naturally introverted too…but much like when I started lifting weight it’ll knock you out for the first couple of weeks or a month. If you keep at it, it becomes easier and you’ll get stronger.

      After all the tongue is a muscle too.

    • I sure wish more men would approach me. I’m an introvert with pretty major social anxiety. It’s probably why I’m still single — like, I have incredibly major social anxiety.

      A lot of women are every bit as scared, every bit as shy, every bit of afraid of rejection as you are.

      The thought that men might actually be afraid or shy to approach me is probably a good thing for me to remember, but it’s very hard for me to avoid being scared out of my wits in social situations.

      • LostSailor on said:

        If you want to be approached, you have to make yourself approachable. Crippling shyness isn’t going to help, but dressing and acting in a feminine manner, being in good shape will help. Unfortunately, you also have to put yourself in social situations where approaching is an option…

  10. taterearl on said:

    You’d be surprised too. After a while people will take notice you are a friendly person and introduce themselves to you. It actually becomes less work. Besides what’s the worst that could happen? They don’t want to interact with a stranger…that’s on them, not you.

    Yesterday I introduced myself in a chat…today I had someone introduce themselves to me in a chat.

    • “After a while people will take notice you are a friendly person and introduce themselves to you.” And the next step in that dance? Asking you to help the move. Trust me, nothing good comes of being open, friendly or sociable in this society.

  11. Anonymous on said:

    Important post Private man. This is an epidemic particurlarly for young people. I’ve watched them texting each other while sitting next to each other! They can’t seem to interact one on one or carry on a conversation without some form of technology aiding them, and you can forget making eye contact.

    • Tam the Bam on said:

      Mmm, my kids and their crowd do this a lot, any actual conversation is limited to yelling, horseplay, bragging and insults.
      It’s to try and counter intra-group eavesdropping on the “serious” stuff, I eventually worked out.
      Covertly arranging alternative venues, and hitting on possible scores while appearing to be aloof and unconcerned (risky if unreciprocated, hard evidence on display for mockery instantly).
      They seem to evolve it from about age ten, concealing their interminable kiddy scheming from the idiot parents (me), teachers and so on. Bebo (it used to be), the Facebook, Twitter all too public, and an open invite to cyber-bullying and detection.
      No-one’s going to overhear those sweet nothings/backstreet deals.
      Well no-one except the network provider’s servers, and Menwith Hill/GCHQ, that is.

  12. This is good, and I agree with the philosophy.

    The only thing I would say is this : The approach approach approach philosophy had some merit but it excluded development in other vastly more important areas. I believe that in field calibration, and tactics / technique based “game” only accounts for 30% of success.

    The idea was that in approaching en masse you’d get a positive feedback loop, and also grow as a man as well. I tihnk this is where it goes wrong. Taken to extremes you actually end up losing value if you’re spending 12 hours a day approaching and don’t focus on other areas. (I know of guys who still do this. LOL).

    I’m all about building your value as a man, selectively approaching (i.e. the ones that make your cells shift and your dick hard !!), and conveying intent, sexual energy, etc.

    You don’t have to be this ultra social dude to get women, I never was and it’s not for everyone.

    • LostSailor on said:

      Steve, you’ve apparently not read much around these parts, as TPM doesn’t generally advocate, and doesn’t specifically here, “approach, approach, approach.” TPM’s approach is all about building inner confidence, better social habits, and ultimately a more natural charisma. Check out the links he posted.

      And you really, actually know guys who spend 12 hours a day approaching women to get dates? Seriously? No stopping for meals, a drink of water or coffee, no time to take a dump? You’d think after 360 hours of approaching per month, they’d have landed someone by now….

      • Hey man, you’re right and I apologise for the oversight. I haven’t read up on too much stuff here.

        Yeah I do know guys like that. They are actually well known PUA Instructors. Hence my disdain for much of the Pick Up Industry…

        They do get “some”, just not real quality and they are not fully developped, actualised men that are effortlessly attractive to women.

  13. This social exercise is a great idea. After some waffling, I’ve decided to go to a univesity alumni event tonight on my own, sans wife. Events like this aren’t my thing but I’m going to force myself out of my comfort zone. Apparently, there will be free beers and food too. Win.

    I tend to chat with the staff when I’m out shopping anyways, but about a month ago. I was in a second-hand clothing store and decided to do a little practice “game”. I’ve been married for years so it wasn’t about getting a number, it was more about what kind of interest can I generate. I spotted a young woman who was my type, and asked her opinion on the price of a coat I was considering buying. She was a bit surprised at first, but the more I chatted I could see there was interest. After, I thanked her and she walked away, to my surprise, she walked half-way back through the store to talk to me again. She recommended that I ask the cashier to drop the price. We chatted. She lingered a bit and in her eyes and body language, I could see she was definitely interested. The great thing is that she had to be 20 years younger than me. In that moment I was suddely able to internalize the stuff I’d been reading about like the bullshit that is age-difference shaming.

    I realize it sounds kind of corny and innocent, but to a long-married guy who’s been removed from the dating scene for over two decades, this was quite an eye opener. And it amazed me how natural the interaction felt. It didn’t feel forced or fake at all.

  14. Richard Cranium on said:

    This is the one aspect of my job that’s beneficial is that I’m always in bars and clubs and people want to talk to the band members and by us drinks and such. So on almost a daily basis I do get to meet new people and have conversations with them about interesting stuff.

  15. I’d say this is especially important for recently divorced men. I’m right in the middle of watching a friend go through the aftermath of a divorce and I am completely stunned by the extent to which WOMEN try to enforce social isolation on him, as some kind of punishment for “failing” at his relationship.

    My husband and I work pretty hard to make sure that doesn’t happen, and we are constantly introducing new people into the lives of our single friends. It’s definitely something that friends and family of single men can help with, and I don’t mean stupid “let’s set him up on a date” kind of introductions. Just people. Helping to weave a single person into a dense network of relationships is very different from trying to select a partner for him.

    Of course we have a strict policy of “only awesome people” allowed, so it works out well for everyone.

  16. The One Reason on said:

    Merely(?) tangentially related to the challenge at hand, although I do continue to make social daytime self-improvements where applicable, male or female:

    As for game situations and the widely-trumpeted advice of putting an N number of approaches under the belt on any given outing to ward off approach anxiety and to build familiarity with approaching, here’s a recent realisation right out of the oven.

    Of the three nights out (or rather, mere three hours each outing, I like to enter late) last and this weekend after I re-entered the NG scene, I’ve actually only made two “proper” approaches, if the criterium is to fight off any lingering approach anxiety. (I personally also rather use the stronger term “surge of fear”, an overpowering momentary rush of adrenaline, to better describe the feeling.)

    But when I counted all the different openings and interactions with desirable women — the most innocuous being an elderly opener with a bartender about the powder she used to clean a stain on the lounge carpet and joking about that side of her job, to which she agreed — I came up with 14 different approaches in all, ranging from flirty banter with both sides smitten, openings with rejections and one uncalled-for neg of which I’m not too proud (that’s why it’s good to learn when to calibrate)… So, doing these 12 other approaches I felt no anxiety whatsoever, I guess mainly as the situations just flowed naturally in the course of other action (or inaction). It wasn’t about constraints like “I have to grab that passing girl’s hand with those self-illuminating wristbands NOW” (she just wheezed past, not even slowing down as she yanked her hand off, heh).

    What was interesting about the second “fear” approach was that as the adrenaline rush died down, I felt extremely composed in the three-set (one male). I did even tone down on the fly my intended humorous opener merely to confidently and soothingly asking her name to suit her now-drowsy state (after the last call). She complied and as I began to slalom through her lightly-applied shit-testing she finally went overt and asked me not to “try to pull off anything”, heh. Appears that I came off too convincingly as a nasty, older player — being a relative newbie, that is. (Thank you, Tyler, Julien, Jeffy, Alex, Brad etc.)

    But more seriously, I guess that in situations like these the value built up in other avenues of life can literally ooze into a set. It didn’t hurt either that for once I happened to wear a (waist-fitting) jacket and a patterned tie to a club…

    In that sense I can agree with Steve’s assessment above about the importance of building other blocks in one’s life to supplement the game, but at least in my case and age the game itself adds to some more lacking aspects that as long as it doesn’t occupy a significant amount of time (outside reading these bl**dy blogs, of course) the balance is just right.

    Have to also say that Steve’s now-infamous street kiss close video has been an inspirational tool in introducing a different mindset in terms of the type of interaction but also in reinforcing my view of women as something more fulfilling rather than an all-evil entity (within reason of course, heh). Although such an approach works best with background successes and abundance, the teachings will definitely be applied.

  17. Hey Private Man:
    Thanks for continuing to write about confidence.

    My standpoint is this. I think “Game” is an obnoxious re-packaging of old cultural truths about self-confidence that used to be taken for granted in the West. American culture, for example, was all about “Making Friends and Influencing People.” If you’re an introvert but you’re born in the USA, the culture will teach you to be extroverted.

    I hope you’re going to follow up with a lot of posts about “confidence” as opposed to “Game” because while I advocate proactive social skills, I strongly disparage the pump-and-dump lifestyle.

    • I agree 100%.

      I think a lot of this is really valuable for men, but it can get lost in not-so-helpful messages. The one big takeaway from the entire PUA thing is self-confidence. Knowing your worth, holding yourself in high self-regard is so important in dating and in all other walks of life. Nobody – not potential girlfriends, not potential employers — nobody wants to deal with a person who is an insecure mess. Taken the right way, all of this red-pill dating advice and “GAME” and PUA stuff can be very highly beneficial in that regard, and I agree with a great deal of it.

      But where it goes wrong is when men attempt to combat feminism by, basically, sinking down to the level of feminazis and behaving in the same repugnant ways in which feminazis behave.

      “Having game” shouldn’t really be about disrespecting women — which it seems to be, from many posts, and replies, and comments on this site. The emphasis really needs to be on having a healthy respect for yourself, and for all other human beings. Respect is a two-way street and if it isn’t mutual between two people, then it doesn’t exist at all. You can’t demand that someone else respect you if you aren’t willing to give that same respect in turn. A man who cannot respect women will, ultimately, never be held in high regard by any woman. Petulantly demanding that women treat you with respect without feeling any obligation to reciprocate is a losing proposition. Respect cannot be one-sided.

      Also, respect isn’t something that people give you just because you demand it. Respect has to be *earned* via your choices and actions.

      The people who get respect in life are the people who tend to be good human beings. If you’re burning through women and engaging in a pump-and-dump lifestyle, you are not a good human being, and therefore not too many people will deem you worthy of respect. (And the same goes for women — women who are terrible human beings and treat men like shit are also equally unworthy of respect.)

      “How To Make Friends and Influence People” is an excellent, excellent book that any single person should read. It’s an excellent tutorial on earning respect by treating other people with respect and kindness and being a good human being.

      • LostSailor on said:

        But where it goes wrong is when men attempt to combat feminism….“Having game” shouldn’t really be about disrespecting women

        It isn’t, but you JJK don’t seem to understand even your own words. You are correct that respect has to be earned. Charismatic men respect women who have earned their respect, not just because they are women. The Manosphere can be a harsh place because we’re not tempering our language to suit the feelings of the ladies.

        If you want respect around these parts, you might want to start my not lecturing men about respect…

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