The Pain Of “Be Nice, Be Yourself”
Yesterday’s post, A Man Reveals His Anger (link below), linked to an incredible blog post by M3. The subsequent comments revealed an interesting discussion. Once again, commenter Deti showed his absolute brilliance when responding to a comment from Spacetraveller. (She has her blog and it’s worth checking out – link below).
“So in a post such as M3′s, how *should* a woman react without coming across as patronizing to you?”
Don’t say you know how he feels. You don’t, and you never will. You have absolutely no idea how incredibly painful, frustrated, hopeless and full of rage he felt.
This is more than just about the end of a relationship or a marriage. He knows damn well that the girl he loved didn’t love him back. He knows damn well that another man she finds more attractive is fucking her right now. He knows damn well that she has rejected him for what she believes is a better man than he is.
He also knows damn well this is about the 14th time this has happened to him, and he cannot figure out why. He was nice. He did whatever she asked him to do. He put up with her. He gave her what she wanted. He was polite and kind. And it still wasn’t enough. It would never, ever be enough.
He knows that she assessed him, evaluated him, JUDGED him, and threw him away. He knows that she was secretly making him compete with other men. He knows damn well she put him in the scales and found him wanting. He knows damn well the unforgiving binary zero sum game of this SMP [Sexual Market Place]. In this arena you’re either a rare winner or a common, dime-a-dozen loser, and right now, she has deemed him a loser.
Don’t say she was a bitch. He knows that already.
Don’t say he’ll find someone better. He doesn’t believe that, and if he doesn’t have the skills to stop being “nice” and “being himself” and doing what drove the last one away, he will repeat the same mistakes over and over again.
Just say that you’re sorry he is hurting.
Reading all the comments in that post is worth the time. Also here is my own experience with the whole “be nice, be yourself” experience: