The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

A Huge Dating Secret For Women

While I’m not exactly sure what “successful” dating is for women, I do know that many women simply loathe the dating process, that they have to “kiss so many frogs in order to find my prince”. Well, I loathe that analogy because it smacks of emotional pornography but I’ll play along for now.

A comment (from P Ray) on one of my posts led me to this secret for women who hate the dating process. Here’s the comment:

When you date a woman, you are also dating her friends, since they will spill all the details to them before they get the “go-ahead” for date #2.

Approval by committee, basically.

This is a huge reason why women don’t do well with dating and keeps going through men. Not only is she looking for reasons to reject the guy, her friends are doing the same on her supposed behalf. There is a whole panel of judges with gavels poised, all too ready to give the guy the verdict of “dump him!” This does not apply to family because, in theory, family is looking out for you. Exceptions to family apply, of course.

With this in mind, here is the huge secret:

Ladies, never speak to your female friends about your dating endeavors. Don’t mention a good date. Don’t mention a bad date. For all they know, you’re just a busy single woman. This is extremely important. Your friends – especially your single friends – are not likely looking out for your best interests. Those female friends are tending to their own emotional needs first and seek that your dating failures simply validate their own failures. “Oh, he’s not right for you, you deserve only the best.”

The urge to tell dating stories is strong. Even if your friends pester you mercilessly, it will take ferocious will power to clam up about meeting a potential paramour and how great it was. It will take even more will power to remain silent about disastrous date with the nerdy accountant who didn’t create any vagina tingles because he brought you flowers on the first date. Oh, and don’t even think about blogging about it or writing to a blue pill dating advice “expert”.

In short, as in Fight Club, don’t talk about dating. The scenario should be that your female friends are shocked when you introduce them to your new man. Now the real strength comes into play. Those friends may try to sabotage the new relationship.

So in addition to finding the good in men, a woman must have the resolve to be utterly discreet about dating. Here’s a hint to help: pretend that every date was a scandalous one night stand that you couldn’t even tell your closest friend.

You’re welcome.

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38 thoughts on “A Huge Dating Secret For Women

  1. Anonymous on said:

    Very good advice about setting boundaries, private man.I’ve always suspected female friends wanting to sabotage your love life. The promiscuous female friend that urges you to have sex right away when you’re not ready. The female friend that thinks she’s entitled to start bashing your ex, and has no concern that you may feel hurt by her harsh words. The perpetually single friend that urges you to break up when you’re trying to work out conflict.

    If you want to seek advice from a woman, talk to a happily married woman. There’s a huge difference in how they respond, versus the single bitter woman.

  2. Here’s another type of female saboteur:

    The “friend” who tells you that men actually prefer a woman who “enjoys her food” and is “well-covered” and advises you to ditch the diet because losing weight to be more attractive reeks of desperation, and men prefer women who are confident with their weight anyway.

    • Which is why I’m telling no one about my recent lifestyle overhaul… It’s amazing how much easier it’s been. I know I’ll eventually hear (from my closest friends, no less) “you’re getting too thin…”

      What I hear now from one friend…
      “accept your flaws but never settle.”
      – I told her I’d rather work on them. (Finding the manosphere was a huge wake up call for me)

      • Thanks for that, Allie; a real fillip to this man’s soul. You’re on the right path, but it might not be an easy one!x. The manoshere has need of such women as you, as indeed we do in our normal, everyday lives.

      • Remember that the lifestyle overhaul is for you and not for your friends. Earlier this year, I helped a female friend get on the path to radically changing her diet and finding happiness within herself instead of external to herself via dating guys who had been flighty, unstable, or unavailable. One of her best friends had been a bad influence on her up to this point, and it took a lot of drilling into her head the fact that this “friend” was, maybe subconsciously, trying to sabotage her life.

  3. Phoenix on said:

    Women will never follow this – they’re biologically wired to tell their friends about the date. No matter how good or bad the date was, the gossip will come naturally. It’s the way they are.

    This is one of many reasons why I’ll never ‘date’ a girl right from the start. We’re just friends. I don’t buy her drinks unless there’s a good vibe and she’s earned it.

    • I’m going to make an effort to be discreet and say I have a meeting instead of a date. Nothing good ever came from telling your “can’t get a boyfriend” single friends about your relationships.

  4. Dating a crazy, entitled, brain-washed American woman is hard enough. Throw in a gaggle of “friends” intent on destroying a woman’s chances at love, and then long-term relationships become impossible. There’s going to be some conflict in a healthy, long-relationship even under the best circumstances, but when “friends” are waiting in the wings to intervene and exacerbate every conflict, then a relationship does not have much chance.

    Sound advice, PM. I hope this will be part of your curriculum when you give your dating class for women.

  5. potentialplayer on said:

    I recognize your intentions here (good), but you don’t seem to know much about how females are neurologically built (granted, few men do – even after studying neurology, it still took me a lot of time). Gossip gives females a dopamine rush – they won’t do without it. On top of that, females – by nature – are attention whores. Females don’t go on dates to meet a guy (your assumption); they go on dates to get attention. What females get from men who give them “vagina tingles” is attention from their friends and others when they complain about how “bad” he was. When females complain that there are no good men, they don’t want good men – they want attention. Many men listen to what females say, but they don’t realize that a female’s words are meaningless because they disguise their true desire.

    Only when a female’s biological clock starts ticking and she wants financial security, do things change. But who wants that? The female’s agenda is really about money and security and she’s learned how to “fake love” to get it. A man with money, by contrast, could just play the field and get what he wants – sex, without owing the female anything.

    One final note: a female uses her emotions to disguise her actions. A man uses his action to disguise his emotion. When you see a bridge, you see a man’s frustration of a body of water separating two pieces of land. The bridge symbolizes his frustration. A female, by contrast, would complain (emotional) about her frustration. Her true attempt is to get attention from others, and hope that someone else corrects her problem (to which she can then complain that “he never listens”).

    In a sense, as one of my professors argued, emotions are more sacred to men. The way you know a man’s emotions are by looking at his actions. A female’s emotions, by contrast, mean nothing.

    • I will certainly admit to a healthy dose of ignorance vis a vis neurobiology. Perhaps you could recommend some reading materials (for us less learned) that would help fill in the wide knowledge gaps?

      One of the core tenets of Red Pill dating and relationship wisdom is “actions over words”. Manosphere blogs and forums try to hammer that point home on a regular basis. It’s a surprisingly tough lesson to learn. As gossip gives girls a dopamine rush, perhaps the need to listen and respond to females is what gives males the same dopamine rush.

      Your observation about the bridge being the physical manifestation of a man’s emotions is a great one. Civilization itself is reflective of the emotions of men. Your professor gave some seriously good Red Pill advice.

      • potentialplayer on said:

        Private Man,

        On second though, my reply indicated an insult, which was not my goal. I was trying to address you giving advice to females not to tell their friends. That would similar to telling men not to want sex.

        As for men listening to females, I’d argue that they think that listening will equal success, thus the dopamine rush would be whatever success they’re after (sex, kissing, you name it). Men don’t listen to female’s gossip because they enjoy it, but because they want something else and believe that they have to do so in order to get what they won’t (they don’t, but this misconception exists).

        In reality, men who succeed with females ignore the gossip and other drivel and get what they want. If the female doesn’t give it to them, they move on to the next (which deprives the female of her dopamine rush because it makes her feel unimportant – the opposite of the attention she’s seeking).

        As far as studies go, in school we read the Happiness Hypothesis, The Female Brain, (this study:, especially speaks volumes about how all female sexuality in a nutshell is social) along with some conducted studies in person and on the internet that my friends and I did. I actually think heartiste had covered females’ obsession of gossip before this, but I could be wrong.

      • potentialplayer on said:

        In other words, my message I’m trying to convey based on research (others and my own):

        Females complaining is a way of seeking attention – they do not mean ANY of it. A female only wants social attention when she complains; if her problem was “fixed,” she wouldn’t get any attention. The same is true with sex: females have sex for attention. They don’t want attention from someone who’s willing to easily give it; they want to get attention from someone who doesn’t care whether he gets it or not (this drives them crazy).

        A related story: one of the hottest girls that my friends and I had ever met rejected me about 30 times in ten or so minutes before she finally put out less than an hour later. I didn’t succeed because of persistence, but because her rejection never mattered to me. IT DROVE HER NUTS!

        Me: Here’s my number; let’s hang out sometime.
        Girl: No because most guys just want to get in my pants.
        Me: I’m trying to get into your underwear, not your pants. Well … unless you have millions of dollars in your pocket and then …
        Girl: See? I don’t want a guy who only wants sex.
        Me: Fine. You’ll also be cooking, giving me money, and massaging me as well.
        ON and ON and ON.

        I. just. didn’t. care. That was my attitude, and she desired attention from it (she wanted me in order to receive attention from me and, later on, others). I have no doubt, though, that when she presented the situation to her friends, it was, “This jerk blah blah blahed me” when in reality, she loved every minute of it.

        (By the way, you’re right. My professor was a red pill man.)

  6. Then there are the friends that try to help their girlfriend, but the girlfriend ignores them. I was reading a blog the other day. The blogger wrote the cliched “Is my blog keeping me single?” post (Uh, yes). That post was inspired by a conversation she had with her friend and the friend asked , ever so gently I’m sure, whether or not the blog was getting in the way of her finding love. Seems a couple of “bachelors” turned down offers of a blind date with the blogger once they found out she had a blog. But because a couple guys who don’t appear to have stuck around for more than a few dates were okay with it, she thinks that means her blog isn’t the problem. It’s not the main problem. But it’s a big one.

    Reality is that many women don’t like getting advice from another woman. Especially if that advice doesn’t jive with their personal inner narrative.

  7. Anonymous on said:

    @Bubba “There’s going to be some conflict in a healthy, long-relationship even under the best circumstances, but when “friends” are waiting in the wings to intervene and exacerbate every conflict, then a relationship does not have much chance. ”

    Yes, I hate when friends jump in and tell you what to do when you don’t even ask for their advice. In my experience, these friends are the ones that also afraid of intimacy and have their own relationship issues. Ever heard of “You can’t ask a homeless man on how to be rich?”

  8. Sheldon on said:

    There’s a flip side to this coin.

    Not only is the advice from female friends usually bad, but the woman getting the advice can’t ever simply smile and tune her out. She has to go all ad hominem on the friend (behind her back or anonymously on a blog) and criticize her. Women like this are incapable of shrugging off the friend’s input. Out come the vicious insults. She’s crazy, she’s ugly, she’s fat, she’s divorced, she’s a slut, she’s always single.

    I don’t trust women who do that anymore than I trust women who offer unsolicited advice.

    If you want to seek advice from a woman, talk to a happily married woman who has been married for many years. There’s a huge difference in how they respond, versus the single bitter woman.

    There. Fixed that for you. A woman who can remain happy in her marriage once the big day is over and reality has set in probably is a valuable resource. Women place way to much emphasis on marriage and being married. The credit they give women just for being married is undue.

    • I’ve actually heard this to my face:
      “Best friends ALWAYS agree with each other”
      The moment a guy picks up conflicting signals from a girl (e.g. she tries to watch the latest feature-length movies on Youtube AND that’s morally okay … but him ripping DVDs for personal use is absolutely morally wrong) – it’s time to eject.
      The reason being she has double standards, and,
      “I want you to treat me as more than a human being” is not far away from being said.

  9. My Name Is Jim on said:

    My thought is, the “kiss a lot of frogs” trope itself is pretty much just rationalization.  The last time this was pulled out on me, I was on one of a discussion page of a blue-pill advice columnist.  One of the commenters was blasting away at the supposed dating flaws of “most” men, using a couple of anecdotes from her own experience.  I don’t remember what specifically the rap was that time, but you would look at it and think, that’s pretty obviously not true of most men, she’s just venting.

    Now I don’t claim to have the tightest game in the world, but I know by now what neg takes the gas out of this fire.  I posted back, “You seem to have rather interesting taste in men.”  She stopped ranting and played the “you have to kiss a lot of frogs” card to try to save face as she bowed out, and a couple of the echo chamber females “liked” that reply.

    Good, if beta, men are not scarce.  There are plenty of them, relatively gameless and dateless, they do not cheat, their hygeine is fine, they are responsible, they make a point of treating women well.  All the women who so enthusiastically jump into bad dating stories have rejected lots of them.  What you seek, you will usually find.  Seek out the fun alpha who has no need or inclination  to treat you well, you get treated like that.  Seek out a good man, you soon find him, it doesn’t take 40 McBoyfriends to get to him.  But seek a man who has everything, you get nothing.

    • Surely that man exists.
      After all … “She’s worth it”.
      Mills and Boon / Harlequin can’t just be making those stories up! 😡

  10. Anonymous on said:

    Sheldon-Yes, you have a good point. It would be ideal to just shrug a useless comment off. The other choice we can make is also to choose who we hang around with. if you’re not happy with your female friends, find some new ones.

    But, since many women crave advice from other women..I would just say it’s safer to evaluate the source that you’re going to.

  11. Candide on said:

    Ewww, who wants a frog’s slut/reject?

    Old Private Man, your advice is sound, but you’re assuming that women are dating to get a man. Most of them aren’t. They are doing it to satisfy their needs for attention and dramas. Without telling their friends, how are they going to manufacture the latest episode of their lives staring themselves and the unwitting bloke who gets casted?

    • potentialplayer on said:

      All until a woman wants children, a nice house and a fancy car for attention. Then, of course, she’ll settle down for the nicer guys – but ONLY to meet her attention meter in those other areas.

      Of course, bad guys still have options, provided they are okay with seducing bored housewives from time to time.

      • The essence of “alpha” … is how much someone can get others to meet their needs,
        WITHOUT having to meet any of others’ needs.
        e.g. The guy who left her abused, with an STD and holding the baby, that she still dreams about leaving her “last-resort-man” husband for …
        e.g. The girl who destroyed his livelihood and reputation with a false accusation, that he’s willing to drop his “wife who finds his indifference and aloofness so irresistable”.

        BOTH can only happen in the presence of an enabler who provides the necessary resources to cushion reality or thinks they “can make them get over the past”, “thinks they are misunderstood and need another chance”, “they will make things right if given the chance”.

        I would think that such people of poor character could also have a great deal of trouble with honesty, responsibility, financial prudence and qualifications achieved.

  12. potentialplayer on said:

    @P Ray: I realize this community is obsessed with alpha versus beta, but what you just described is consistent behavior (what you and others – from my perception, humorously – call “alpha.” There’s no need to place terms on it or place it in a hierarchy. There are people who know what they want and act accordingly; there are people who know what they want and don’t act accordingly; there are people who don’t know what they want and don’t know how to act or act in a capricious manner.

    What you guys in this community call alpha is nothing but a person with direction. The same is true with money, sex or power. If you act consistently with what you want, you live with direction. If you don’t, you’re either a hypocrite or clueless.

    (Related analogy: C.S. Lewis said that Jesus was either Lord, a liar or a lunatic. If Jesus was Lord, he was acting consistent with what he said. If he was a liar, he was acting inconsistent with what he said. If he was a lunatic, he had no idea (clueless). You don’t have to live a long time to realize that is true about everyone – you can call them whatever term you want.)

    • PP

      Just a thought; This is not a community, it’s a forum. You are an educated man; I’m sure you appreciate the distinction. I haven’t read CS lewis and “quite frankly my dear” couldn’t give a toss about his views on Jesus, I am somewhat of a contrarian.The notions of alpha, beta, or zeta males serve as nothing more than crude reference points, which are loosely applied to assist in the consideration of more important issues of relationships twixt boys and girls.

    • “What you guys in this community call alpha is nothing but a person with direction. The same is true with money, sex or power. If you act consistently with what you want, you live with direction. If you don’t, you’re either a hypocrite or clueless.”

      An alpha takes what they want without paying for it. You’re trying to conflate “old alpha” with contemporary alpha.
      The sociosexual dynamics along with “female empowerment” has changed to make the alpha, regardless of gender, the type of person who gets away with objectionable behaviour either because of their ability to keep people on emotional tenterhooks, or to behave/retaliate in an illegal or highly unethical manner.

      Alphas are actually huge hypocrites: Others have to compete against them within the framework of law and logic; they work with emotion and diversion, via relational aggression, unsubstantiated rumours, blamestorming, namedropping, credit thievery and falsified qualifications.
      Seeing quite a few of them in action(male and female), it is not a stretch to say they seem to have sociopathic or narcissistic personality disorders

  13. abcdef on said:

    ” You’ll also be cooking, giving me money, and massaging me as well.”

    Not an insult. Not even a neg.

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  17. backcorner on said:

    “I do know that many women simply loathe the dating process, ”

    I’ve never met one female that this applied to. Maybe a lesbian or two, but really, has anybody ever actually met a happy lesbian?? What’s not to like for women? All they have to do is exist and men just run at them all day and night–no matter how fat, ugly, bitchy or cunty they really are. They accept the males who they want then show up (sometimes) to accept all the free drinks, food and supplication being freely offered. Here’s a tip: you wanna know how to spot a woman who REALLY “hates dating”?? She’s wearing a wedding dress or a wedding band. And that’s that.

    “This is a huge reason why women don’t do well with dating and keeps going through men”

    Nah man. The reason women don’t “do well” is because they’re too much of a phony, slutty, self centered manipulative whore to get a guy with a lot of money to follow them around on his knees with his head up their rotten ass. The ones who can do this marry quick. Then divorce of course. The ones who can’t write for the atlantic and jezebel.

    “Ladies, never speak to your female friends about your dating endeavors”

    Right. And what’s your next post on? “Ladies, stop inhaling and exhaling forever, ok?” Please. This is never going to happen anywhere anytime ever. Ever. As a man, it’s really simple to discern almost immediately (like, date 2 if not sooner) just what kind of girl you’re dealing with, what her values are and just who exactly is influencing her. Women (and sadly most males) have big damn mouths along with totally indiscrete online lives.

    If a girl talks about your interactions together merely from a context of what she told her friends and what they told her, then you know you’re probably dealing with a loser. If however, she mentions her family, specifically her mother, you should know two things are probable: a. she has some family values and a good relationship with her mother and values her input over that of her stupid slutty ass friends and b. she probably likes you to the extent that she really sees a future with you beyond just her usual sex in the club bathroom stall interaction. Understand this: no girl is ever going to tell you she likes you. What she will do is say this: “I told my mother about the movie we were going to watch and she said it’s really good”. Understand the difference here? Girls date and go thru a fuck lot of guys and no girl is going to run off and tell her mother about every swinging dick she interacts with. Only certain guys. The point is, the whole premise of the above post is wrong and bad as well as totally unrealistic. Let a girl talk. Let her run her damn mouth all she wants. She’s going to do this anyway. There’s no way to stop or curtail it. Besides, the last thing you want as a man is a girl running around practicing radio silence. That’s eventually going to be extended to you. Having a girl hiding things from you is damaging. In the beginning stages of a potential relationship, you need all the information out of her that you can get without having to administer some kind of truth serum and grilling. Telling her to shut up is dumb.

    As a man, you really shouldn’t give two rat shits about her friends anyway. You should simply refuse to put yourself within their sphere of influence. No gay meeting for drinks, or going to a show or sporting event together. Nothing. It’s one thing if you see them in passing and it’s important to know a little about them for your own intelligence. But no socializing. It’s not necessary. The girl you’re dating has a big enough damn mouth that she’ll give you all the info you need unprompted. If you feel she’s setting you up to ambush you for some sort of grand reveal in front of her friends, acquiesce and agree to meet without the slightest hint of objection, then flake. If she has a problem with this or keeps trying to set you up in this manner, drop her and move the fuck on. Just stop returning her calls. No damn good can come out of meeting a bunch of her friends. And today, what you have to remember about “modern” girls is that almost 90% of her friends are going to be gay guys. Now, if you’re the type of guy who texts a lot and has a facebook page you don’t really have any reason to object to meeting her friends because you’re probably enough of a faggot that you’ll feel right at home here. You and “the boys” can all go hog wild comparing skinny jeans and flip flops and cupcake flavors. But if you’re a normal fucking man, stay away. And let her talk. Discovering later on that she doesn’t know when or how to shut the fuck up on her own accord, is another huge key that you’re with the wrong damn girl.

    • I have to agree with the “wedding band” criterion. Women who don’t like dating are either married or are willing to take themselves off the market as quickly as possible. A wedding band (or a tan line and an ability to talk about how “he did me wrong” for 10+ minutes) is enough to dissuade all but the most fervent player.

  18. I wish this wasn’t true, but it is – when I met my boyfriend, my best friend (then going through a nasty divorce) did everything to convince me he wasn’t right for me (she said ‘he’s not hot enough for you’ and ‘if you guys get married I wouldn’t even come to the wedding’). She wanted an available wing-woman when she went out. These days I am still happily in a relationship with him and she is still divorced, bitter (literally no man is good-looking, rich enough for her) and a resident of serial-cougar-land. We no longer hang out. Also she was aggrieved to discover that my man, though he doesn’t look like a baller, does very well for himself. You would not know this from his outward appearance and he never talks about it. Just goes to show!
    (On the other hand, only a total dumbass would actually make her mind up based on what friends say rather than her experience/instincts. Bitches be crazy.)

  19. Subtlety is wasted on the majority of women in the west. They are so brazen and blatant about everything since The Hamster and Hypergamy 2.0 became respectively, the personal and societal norms.

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  21. Evidently it’s the women that meddle then…never heard of such a thing.

  22. “Ladies, never speak to your female friends about your dating endeavors.”

    Good advice, but a little difficult to follow. I would change this slightly to “Ladies, never accept advice from your female friends…”.

    In the real world, they are either your competition, or misery loves company.

    Tell them you are dating if you must, but pay no heed to the blitherings and bleatings of the Sisterhood of Failure.

  23. My entire blog is about dating and the guys I meet on this journey…it’s fun, enlightening, eye opening and sometimes just really juicy.
    I was in a relationship for 13 years and never had the chance to date and tell dating stories…so this is my time, but maybe I’ll leave it at the blog, and keep the stories to myself from now on ~ thanks for posting 🙂

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