The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Emotional Pornography

[This particular post is getting lots of hits. I urge readers to check out the rest of this blog. I also urge readers to comment.]

I’m not much into visual pornography. I prefer mine written as words because my imagination is far superior to any porn producer. I don’t particularly care if a man watches porn. It’s his business, not mine.

There is a great excoriation of visual pornography, especially from women. There is a constant yammer about false expectations of sexuality, ruined relationships, etc. The relationship advice websites are full of women moaning about their men watching porn. Feh, most of it is simply sexual gatekeeping and control. A woman wants to control a man’s sexuality – usually by saying “no” constantly – and porn is a direct threat to that control. Relationship dynamics at their very worst.

Women have their own form of pornography and it’s a well-respected and lucrative industry. Think Lifetime channel movies. Think romance novels. Think romantic comedies from Hollywood. Think vampire books. But it’s still pornography, a fantasy in words and images. I am convinced that women actually expect their relationship fantasies to be born out in real life. I see proof of that in womens’ online dating profiles. “Where is my Prince Charming?” reads a common headline. So here we have a grown women looking for a fairytale. But on weekends with the gal pals, it’s off to the latest Hollywood romantic comedy where that fairytale is reinforced as “reality” in her mind.

Chick flicks are nothing more than an emotional drug. It’s emotional heroin for dames. I reserve special loathing for “Eat, Pray, Love”. That’s the emotional pornography of the divorce fantasy. What women don’t understand is that it’s a complete fantasy. It’s make-believe. It’s a fiction conjured up by clever writers and pushed by capitalistic publishers and movie producers looking to make a buck. Do we even need to talk about the princess fantasy and the Disney industrial complex? Let’s leave that one for the child psychologists.

Emotional pornography is ruining relationships even before they get started. Women have completely unrealistic expectations about romance. They have a script in their heads and George Clooney is the supporting actor. So they put up the online dating profiles and wait. Prince Charming is right around the corner. The next online message. The next IM. Meanwhile, the Greek chorus of her friends is singing “Never Settle!” That cluttering of estrogen on the side of the stage has also well consumed that emotional pornography.

Let’s complicate things further still. If a hapless fellow decides to be that romantic Prince Charming and pitch woo at a fair damsel with lots of romance, he will be considered a schmuck, a chump, a doormat, a pushover. Even women over 40 get all tingly in their nether regions for Bad Boys. Bad Boys aren’t romantic. Bad Boys don’t give gifts or call up just to say “thinking of you”. Bad Boys have skittles (hat tip to Roissy).

Fixing up a man is also part of the overall relationship fantasy. A woman finds a diamond in the rough and works feverishly to make him “better”. Should she succeed in her project man, she suddenly realizes that he’s no longer attractive to her. And how do women come up with this nonsense? Emotional pornography, believing the fantasy should be real.

If our government really wants to embrace censorship (it shouldn’t, by the way), emotional pornography should be first on the list.

Lest I seem the curmudgeonly and cynical sort, I believe that men are finally wising up to the situation. They are learning that women merely talk a good game about needing romance and the whole knight in shining armor thing. That’s the social expectation as supported by that emotional pornography. But the actions of women, ah, that’s where the truth comes out. Fellows, forget the romance, it won’t get you laid.

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20 thoughts on “Emotional Pornography

  1. Gendeau on said:

    Roissy has a very similar post today.

    Both your posts seem to talk to common sense, I fail to see any reason for the bunny boilers to get upset when they accuse men of being desensitised by porn – but that’s the curse of a logical mind, I guess

  2. Actually, it was my comment on one of his previous posts that inspired him to write the piece on emotional pornography. I was flattered.

    Regardless, the need to call it “emotional pornography” surfaced quite a few years back. The concept hasn’t been made prominently in the manosphere and really needs to be.

  3. Anonymous on said:

    Eat, Pray, Love… need we say more?

  4. Anonymous Reader on said:

    Must be something in the ether, or a disturbance in the Force. I followed a link to this posting from Dalrock, after making a comment over there.

    Here’s my comment. I was feeling pretty smart when I wrote it…

    • The collective consciousness of the manosphere is made suddenly aware of a new concept. That was a very good post!

      The following is cross-posted over at Dalrock’s blog:

      Speaking of emotional pornography and the very recent manosphere’s explosion of interest in that subject, including my own piece and this post here, just last night this happened:

      I had a date with a romance novelist.

      You read that correctly.

      She has written 25 romance novels. She’s now under contract with Harlequin. Yes, that Harlequin, ground central of emotional pornography.

      Me, an MRA and active participant in the manosphere, having a date with a woman who writes romance novels while Roissy’s piece on emotional pornography was still his most recent post. Now, Dalrock hits the subject and quite thoroughly.

      Is this like an anti-porn feminist having a date with an adult video producer?

      Here is another irony:

      I met her through online dating.

      You can’t make this shit up.

      • SgrDdyBta on said:

        Mirth and hilarity will surely ensue! I’m guessing this fine blog is something you do NOT reveal to your dates?

        Obviously, mining this lady’s psyche could lead you to ever higher levels of Zen Master Babe Magnet. We anxiously await nuggets and insights from this “venture”… I am stocked up on guffaws and WTFs. 😀

        I will DEFINITELY be adding one of these emo-porn paperbacks to my next Amazon order… along with the truck parts, lol. I don’t suppose the particular title or author matters much; I will select one based on the level of UNreality depicted in the cover art. ;’)

      • RomanceChick on said:

        So did she explain the explicit sex scenes she wrote? It’s similar to writing erotica. I, myself, have written erotic sex scenes for novels. The author themself gets off while writing it. And hell, if it doesn’t turn on the writer while writing it, it’s not a good sex scene.

  5. Malcolm Tucker on said:

    I am convinced that women actually expect their relationship fantasies to be born out in real life.

    Sounds about right. Given the realities of life in the US circa 2011 it’s just another fantasy to be exploited to get more sex or money from women in my opinion.

    And on a pedantic note, it’s “borne” not “born.” I just learned that one myself.

  6. Pingback: Lifetime Movie of the Week: I me wed. | Dalrock

  7. detinennui32 on said:

    I’ve been perusing your archives a little more. This is classic. Perhaps you’ve coined the term “emotional pornography”.

    BTW, you referenced Prince Charming in here a couple of times. But from your prior posts we all know that Prince Charming is gay.

    Guys: don’t romance a date. Don’t drop a lot of money on her. Don’t get her gifts. Don’t spend exorbitant amounts of money on a girl you’re not sleeping with. Run Game. A little negging and aloofness. Say less, not more. Open with questions. Make her answer your questions. You don’t answer hers. Let her talk. It’s golden.

  8. “Fellows, forget the romance, it won’t get you laid”

    But it helps in LOTR.

  9. SgrDdyBta on said:

    D’OH!… sorry, noob here… didn’t notice the DATE of this post+comments… mah bad… will grep PM blog for string ‘novelist’ to see how this played out.

  10. RomanceChick on said:

    Romance novels are soft porn, in the erotic sense, not “emotional porn.” The sex scenes are explicit. That is why women read them. Not for a romantic fantasy escape.
    Teen novels about vampires do not have erotic sex scenes, they are for teenagers, but romance novels for adult women have erotic sex scenes in them—in every chapter. This is the primary reason for the high sales.

    • RomanceChick on said:

      Let me also add that some women, like myself, or maybe even most women, are looking for sexual relationships without ridiculous fantasies, because as they’ve gotten older they’ve been disillusioned from their relationships. Sex is their primary driver. Instead it is the mean who are driven by this “emotional pornography” as you call it, because both sexes experience it. If I could find a man who understands that sex can be part of a relationship, no matter if we fuck on the first date or in a month, then I would be happy. Hopefully I’d rather fuck on the first date and not have to worry about all this “emotional porn” crap.

  11. “far superior to any porn producer”
    You don’t realize that this automatically puts you in the position of assuming moral authority over anyone in the porn industry. Not effective.

  12. Where is Prince Charming? Doing Hottie McHugeboobs.

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