The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Her Toxic Female Friends

Single women over 45 tend to stuff their days with endless activities outside of work such as errands, hopefully the gym or pilates, hobbies, family, friends, etc. This can often lead to little time for dating. In fact, she will often state that she’s quite busy but will make time for the man in her life. That’s a subject worthy of another post.

Of all the activities a busy woman indulges, socializing is frequently high on the list. She likely has a circle of friends, most often single, with whom she discusses, commiserates, and vents on a variety of subjects. Men and relationships are a frequent source of misery and woe for this group of middle aged women.

A reasonable fellow who finds himself dating a woman with a tight circle of single friends must be extremely wary. That circle of friends is often extremely toxic to building a real relationship with the woman he is dating.

The next logical question is “why would a woman of character surround herself with friends who are toxic to a relationship?” This is because when a woman becomes single, she will often find friends in the same situation without realizing their negativity. It’s only when a woman of character (to be tested by the guy later) seeks a positive and healthy relationship does the negativity of her friends manifest itself.

It is true that with age should come maturity and the ability to think independently away from the influence of others. This is not always the case and especially for women with a very close group of female friends. Women tend to be influenced far more by social expectations, regardless of the outcome. That circle of single female friends is doling out all sorts of advice, criticism of potential male partners, and encouragement that is extremely negative and often quite destructive.

That clutch of single women most often speaks of dissatisfaction. Dalrock covers this is a broader context here. It’s an excellent read.

Dissatisfaction is an emotionally cancerous idea, especially in the realm of dating and relationships. Should a woman meet a new man, she comes along with a jury of her peers eager to heap contumely upon the man’s head. Her friends will grill her ruthlessly and seek viciously to find the man’s faults. Should he not meet the jury’s exacting standards – “he’s only a middle manager?”, “he’s got a mustache?”, “he’s got a child still in the house?” – the single friends will urge her to dump him and quick with one awful and terminal phrase “you deserve better”.

No one deserves anything. Who came up with the nonsense that someone deserves something?

If there is truly a good connection between the man and woman, it’s the man’s absolute responsibility to keep the woman away from those toxic, single friends. It’s also the woman’s absolute responsibility to acknowledge that her single friends are indeed toxic to her new relationship. That’s why those friends are still single. The single friends will also view the new man as a threat to the social status quo. Of course the man is a threat, he should be actively working to remove emotionally ugly and negative people from the woman’s life so the relationship can blossom and be healthy in the long run.

As a relationship grows, there is a point where introductions are made to respective friends. The man should resist being introduced to her friends, especially her single friends. That first introduction is nothing more than an awful gauntlet of evaluations and judgments. The outcome will likely be that she deserves better. Rather, the man should introduce the woman to his friends first and work actively to bring her into his social circle, not vice versa. A man of good character will surround himself with positive, engaging, and non-judgmental people. Those friends will see the man’s happiness with the new relationship and encourage him, not look for flaws in his new paramour.

There is an additional benefit for a man insisting that his new love meet his friends first. This sets the precedent of him taking the lead in the relationship, showing his confidence, of being alpha. Only when the relationship is firmly in place should a man accept meeting her single friends. If she is insistent that he meet her friends early in the relationship, that’s a warning sign. It shows that she is not secure enough and requires the assurances and validation of others.

On that fateful date when he faces a group of dissatisfied entitlement queens (no wonder they are still single), he must Game those single women as hard as possible. He must be the uber alpha. If he determines that the friends are indeed toxic, he must be come across as arrogant and repellent.  There should be one result from meeting those nasty type of single friends: they don’t like him and the friends should be actively encouraging her to dump the man. This is his shit test to the new woman in his life and it could very well be a deal breaker.

She fails the test when she breaks up with the guy and returns to the nest of hornets. The man has dodged a bullet. If she tries to maintain both the friends and the man, the man must break up with her because the friends will be actively trying to cause a break up of the relationship.

She passes the test when she distances herself from those harridans and finds a better social life with her man’s friends. As a bonus, the man never has to deal with her unpleasant friends again.

Advertisements

Single Post Navigation

15 thoughts on “Her Toxic Female Friends

  1. Anonymous on said:

    Man’s biggest threat to his wife’s fidelity isn’t some hot stud, but the influence of her no-good cheatin’ friends.

    • Get ’em all together and watch the “synchronized rationalization hamster wheel spinning” event. The other event (usually for younger women) is the “race to victimhood”.

      Group dynamics are fun.

  2. Jeannie on said:

    I have experienced the “you deserve better” remark when I was younger. I think it is a knee-jerk reaction from some women who don’t really want their friends to find happiness, even if unconsciously. It often comes from women who are, themselves, vaguely unhappy or very competitive. By influencing a friend (so-called), they keep her from finding a good man. It’s not that different from other sorts of sabotage that lack of self-esteem can cause, and it’s turned on others.

    So I’ve seen this, I’ve heard it, and I’ve felt it, even subtly.

    Perhaps I’m fortunate to no longer have that sort of circle of women friends. I have fewer friends as I get older, but they’re all about substance. The men and the women.

  3. Thanks for the link, and for continuing to put out high quality posts. I’ve added you to my blog roll, but I’m not sure my readers have noticed yet. It may take a while. In the meantime, if you have a post you really want to spotlight shoot me an email.

    Roissy had an excellent post on the topic of dealing with a woman’s relationship sabotaging friends. I wish I had the link.

  4. CSPB on said:

    You have good insights. A woman’s female friends typically amplify the negative. This is also true when a married woman contemplates divorce. Her sisters and all her friends will encourage any delusions and complaints she has to assuage and feed the rationalization hamster.

    • P Ray on said:

      Heh heh.
      Divorce within a circle of friends is contagious.
      Her friends will rally around her to “divorce your schlub”.
      Then cut her off completely as they are terrified that their husbands will cat around with her.
      As others have said, don’t take relationship advice from women 🙂

  5. “On that fateful date when he faces a group of dissatisfied entitlement queens (no wonder they are still single), he must Game those single women as hard as possible. He must be the uber alpha. If he determines that the friends are indeed toxic, he must be come across as arrogant and repellent. There should be one result from meeting those nasty type of single friends: they don’t like him and the friends should be actively encouraging her to dump the man. This is his shit test to the new woman in his life and it could very well be a deal breaker.

    She fails the test when she breaks up with the guy and returns to the nest of hornets. The man has dodged a bullet. If she tries to maintain both the friends and the man, the man must break up with her because the friends will be actively trying to cause a break up of the relationship.

    She passes the test when she distances herself from those harridans and finds a better social life with her man’s friends. As a bonus, the man never has to deal with her unpleasant friends again.”

    A-frickin’-men.

    • P Ray on said:

      The other tactical error that some men may make before learning the truth:
      Being friends with the ugly girls to gain standing with her hot friends: Trust me, the ugly girl KNOWS that’s what you are doing. So she will drop hints that she can get you in with that girl, while milking you for favours, and threatening to say bad things about you if you don’t do what she says.
      Never build attraction through her ugly friends: when all hinges on her statements toward you to the girl, you can bet she’ll burn you. Partly out of jealousy that the more attractive girl is getting the guy, and partly out of the female habit of taking without reciprocating, from a guy that is “not good enough for my friend”.

  6. Pingback: The best blogs you aren’t reading. | Dalrock

  7. Pingback: Covetousness and ruination. | Dark Brightness

  8. Mitsy on said:

    I think this is an interesting read & I’m sure there are many situations where negative friends can cause problems for the male/female relationship. On the flip side, I’ve personally seen how a controlling man can ruin a good friendship between 2 women. One of my closest friends (used to be close) has changed a lot this past year. Her guy used to be a drug addict (although he’s been clean for 4-5 years now). I am single and this friend of mine has always had a guy but the guy she has now has slowly manipulated her life to where she feels guilty doing anything other than devoting her time & attention to him. He’s jealous of her kids, her friends (which included me) & anyone else he fears might influence her in some way. I never talked badly about this man to her but I saw her become more & more withdrawn & eventually hateful towards me & other co-workers. I have to see this woman because we still work at our part-time retail job but I never know what her mood will be like. We used to be really close, now she keeps stuff hidden, doesn’t share much w/me. I now consider her mostly a co-worker & not a true friend anymore. Her personality has changed too much and I think her guy has her under his control. I haven’t seen a happy woman for at least the last year or so. I don’t know what happened but something happened about a year ago & that is when her personality changed for the worse. I did try talking to my friend about her issues & she knew that I cared about her, yet she kept me at arm’s length for so long that I eventually decided that I needed to make some new friends. I don’t feel the angst and negativity when I’m around other friends now. In fact, being around more emotionally healthy people has made me see how screwed up by former friend really is. She has to have a man in her life & she’s had 5-6 marriages behind her already. Why she wants to marry or stay with a man like this one now is anyone’s guess. I would not trade places w/her for anything. No one’s life is ideal but life is too short to waste it on a selfish man or a self-absorbed friend who no longer treats you like you are valued.

  9. Peter Gunn on said:

    Easier said than done

  10. I wish I had this advice years ago. One of my wife’s friends is so toxic. She has managed to break up a number of my wife’s friendships with her other girlfriends and now the toxic drunk is turning her sights on our marriage. She doesn’t even care that there is a child involved

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: