The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Finding “Chemistry” – Post Recycle

[Note: It’s the winter blog-posting doldrums here in the Manosphere. With that in mind, I offer up this older post that should resonate with the guys and offer up some lessons for the ladies. I posted this about a year ago and have made a couple of minor edits.]

The word “chemistry” the most overused word in all the online dating profiles. This is especially true for the over-40 crowd of women. They all so desperately seek chemistry. I am quite tempted to include a photo of a chemistry set in my online dating profile with the caption, “Look ladies, I gots da chemistry!” I doubt anyone will get the joke.

Chemistry for a woman is her conscience acknowledgment that she will have sex with you. That’s all there is to it. When she feels chemistry, her vagina tingles and she’s mentally planning a sexual encounter with you. Men aren’t the only ones thinking with their reproductive organs. If you connect with her on a more intellectual and emotional level in addition to the chemistry, she’s not only planning for sex, she’s planning her new life with you.

It has been said that a woman knows within the first few seconds of meeting a man that she wants him sexually. Sadly, I can’t vouch for this. I do know that the demands for “chemistry” are omnipresent in the online dating profiles. I would say that women want to know within the first few seconds of meeting and they actively look for men who would make them feel the swift torrent of sexual desire on the first meeting. This is what the whole first date bullshit is all about. She wants to know quickly and efficiently if you are a potential sexual partner.

Before you get all excited about the prospect of sexual chemistry, you have to understand that even the most sexually liberated woman isn’t going to welcome you into bed on the first date. Consider the awesome power of social expectations. A nice lady doesn’t jump a man’s bones unless some element of the dating ritual is completed. And while she might know in the first few seconds of the date that there’s going to be some nookie at some point, she is not going to reveal that fact overtly. Proper ladies of a certain age don’t do that sort of thing. Oh, there will be only passing discussion of the hypocrisy that many of these proper ladies were complete and utter floozies in their youth.

So here we have you on a date and you feel a strong sexual desire for the women sipping wine with you. You want her bad. Maybe she wants you just as badly but she’s being coy. She’s not the type of girl, after all. Never mind the threesome she had with her roommate and her boyfriend way back in college. She was drunk. And he was really, really cute. Oh, and forget her experiences with swinging with her second ex-husband. That was just a phase and while it might have been a lot of fun, she’s not like that anymore. She’ll sip her wine and gaze at you, her lady parts smoldering away. How do you know she’s smoldering? Read the next paragraph twice.

The question for you is, have you learned to read body language and non-verbal cues? If you haven’t, your dating life is going to be simply wretched and you will be wailing and gnashing your teeth on a regular basis. Frankly, if you don’t understand a woman’s body language and non-verbal cues, you are a clueless putz and deserve every bad date you get. There will be no lessons in body language here. Go out on the interwebs and learn. The PUA websites are a good start. You will also learn about your own body language and how to build comfort and attraction with women.

There is one fundamental weakness to the whole notion of chemistry. It assumes that chemistry is a quick and unyielding experience. Women don’t want a man to grow on them. They want instant gratification. Of course they will not state this clearly in their profiles. “I want a man to make my panties wet instantly.” Rather, it’s “I want to find a real chemistry with a man.” Yet with instant gratification comes shockingly poor decisions regarding men. That fellow who made her panties wet might be a complete tool in regards to maintaining a relationship. Ah, ain’t love grand?

If a string of sexual encounters is what you seek through online dating, then by all means learn the skills of creating sexual attraction with the opposite sex. It’s not rocket science. Women aren’t mysterious creatures imbued with magical powers. They’re just women and can be quite predictable. Learn the skills. Go have fun. Wear a condom.

More frustration: Even if your correspondence and phone calls were blisteringly hot with da sex talk, that is no guarantee of future sex. If a women doesn’t feel the chemistry in real life, there will be no sex in real life.

If you want a real relationship, you have to get past the chemistry thing. You have to make the leap from “guy I’m on a date with” to “guy who I really want to get all naked and sweaty with”. For that leap, there are no second chances. Once she determines that you’re not going to be a sexual partner, there is nothing – I repeat, nothing – you can do to grow on her. She’s already mentally reviewing the online profiles she read that morning and hoping the date with you ends quickly and painlessly.

Just cut your losses and move on. Your consistent online dating process should mean that you’re actively corresponding with at least three potential new dates. There are, after all, plenty of fish in the sea.

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17 thoughts on “Finding “Chemistry” – Post Recycle

  1. Days of Broken Arrows on said:

    Great post!

  2. Miss Chemystry on said:

    So what advice do you have for the ladies who have been convinced into seeing if chemistry will start after getting to know a guy? I tried to not continue seeing a guy after the first date due to lack of chemistry. He convinced me to give him another chance. We have been texting and talking for over a week (can’t meet in person due to work), and the spark is not growing.

    • He “convinced” you doesn’t sound good for him. Regardless, meet him another time because phone calls and texts do NOT count regarding chemistry. When you see him again, find TWO things attractive about him – physically, emotionally, intellectually, it doesn’t matter – and then gauge your feelings about him. If you can find two things attractive about him, he might be worth some smoochin’ time on a later date. Like most women, you’re still trying to find reasons to reject him.

    • Miss Chemystry:
      Do you know anyone else who is texting or talking to you for a week, in the manner of being interested to see you in the manner of a date?
      So why do you have so much trouble seeing him?
      Having a hot self-manicure session?
      If you take no steps to meet men halfway (if you believe it is so easy for them to keep trying, why don’t women behave towards men in the same way?),
      You have no right to complain about being attracted to a guy who is cold, cruel and aloof towards you.

  3. “Defensive dating” is something that more men are beginning to warm up to — it was previously mostly the domain of “women looking out for themselves, to have more than 1 guy she was seeing during the same period”, before choosing the candidate that presented themselves best.
    Of course, when guys do it, they’re called “players”.
    Until it is agreed that someone is in a committed relationship with you (and vice-versa) and the restrictions that present the impression that the commitment is genuine are observed …
    You and the other person, are not in a relationship.
    “We were on a break” is a valid statement.

  4. I read your post, and would really appreciate a “manosphere” analysis:

    I went out with a man who I met online. He wrote me very nice emails and seemed to have a good personality, but I wasn’t sure about his looks. I met up with him anyway, because his emails were polite and we had a few things in common.

    The first date didn’t go too well. I found him physically and mentally unattractive. Very stern, and defensive when I paid him a compliment. I tried to lighten the mood a lot by smiling and making light conversation, and eventually he showed a nicer side.

    Anyway, at the end of the date, I was shocked when he said he enjoyed my company and wanted to see me again. He arranged another date within the next two days, so I thought “what the hell, give him a chance” and went.

    The conversation flowed better on the second date. He suggested I paid for the dinner because he had bought tickets for a show. I thought that sounded fair, so paid. Our first kiss was awful. I gagged because of his bad breath, strong aftershave and sloppy technique (he was 43). I thought things would get better, so said yes when he asked me for the next date.

    He arranged everything for the next date, and said it was going to be really special but a surprise. During the date, he asked me lots of questions on how to get a job at my company, and I noticed that he didn’t seem to be listening to me when we spoke about general things.

    He picked a wonderful restaurant and ordered wine with dinner and dessert. When the check came and he just stared at it, then looked at me. I naturally thought he had bought tickets for something amazing, so paid the bill. As I handed my credit card, he examined the bill, which I thought was really strange.

    Then after leaving the restaurant, he walked me to my car and said thanks for a great meal, see you soon.

    I was confused for a few days, but then he emailed me, thanking me for “another wonderful date” and asked me out for the following Friday. Since I had nothing else going on, and I thought that maybe things would improve, I said yes. This time, when the bill came and he stared at me, I suggested we split it. He said he didn’t have his cards with him, so I paid again.

    Since I didn’t find him attractive, we couldn’t have a two-way conversation about anything that didn’t involve career advice for him, and I didn’t actually like him enough to pay for expensive dates, I turned down his request for another date.

    So, I didn’t feel any ‘gina tingles, and found aspects of his personality suspect. Do you manosphere guys think I was unfair to turn him down for a fifth date?

    • It’s not unfair to me. There were things about him that you obviously found repulsive from the get-go and that were clear evidence that he was a schlub. Two dates would have been more than sufficient to find this out. Three would have been pushing it. Even if you did have a hint of ‘gina tingles, the way this guy was acting in such a way to kill any kind of physical attraction.

  5. Do your comments refer to *all* women, or just the hot young women who know they have choices, aren’t yet interested in settling down, or settling for beta men?

    I think it’s the latter.

    There are several *good* beta women, often overlooked by the beta and omega men. Perhaps they are shy, nerdy, not wearing flattering clothing, older or plump.

    Good women who want a man to love, but are ‘invisible’ to men who only have eyes for their more visually appealing and confident friends.

    • My comments apply to the women that men notice.

      Let’s never forget that men are visual. You’re absolute right, a woman who does not catch our eyes is indeed invisible to men. Note for the ladies – if you can catch his eye, you can catch his heart.

      But guess what? All but one of the things that you mention about good women can be fixed.

      Shy? She can learn to overcome that.

      Nerdy? Same thing.

      Flattering Clothing? Please, such an easy fix it’s laughable.

      Plump? Diet and exercise.

      Getting older can’t be changed, of course. But dealing with the four things above can make age a secondary factor.

      • Also, remember that one’s outlook on life can add or subtract to what’s already there. Getting older can’t be changed, but adopting a “young” vibe; being optimistic; liking, respecting, and honoring men; and mindful of the future instead of being stuck in the past can make up for advancing years.

      • Not quite correct: men notice women when they do something special for them.
        The idea that “all these nice women are being ignored” is nonsense.
        Simply because, women more than men care about what their friends think about who they date. Even the “so-called” shy girls put down men their friends don’t care for, unmercifully.
        This must be the “you have to date plenty to get female attention” answer, which then morphs into “you dated all the hot girls and ignored the not-hot ones, so you deserve to be walked over by women”.
        Come off it, a woman interested in a man, is often going to get a good response.
        The problem, as always, is most women, interested in few men, until they have nothing but liabilities to offer the good ones. Yes, a relationship endures only when people go through it with someone else _in their youth_.
        The idea that people can meet in their 40s and be together for life, is not common.

      • alurker on said:

        If all of the above is true (women can work on themselves so they’re not invisible to men), then why don’t men improve on their dating technique, manners, appearance, career success and confidence so women they want can get ‘gina tingles for them.

        There’s a whole community of PUAs who delve into NLP, self confidence and conversation techniques to get women (although many are abusive). Can’t you nice manosphere guys improve yourself rather than whining on the internet about women and their ‘ginas?

      • And how lazy are you?

        A huge part of the Manosphere is all about men learning Charisma. Of course, if you don’t want to do a bit of ‘Net exploring, that’s your on business.

      • @alurker

        My $0.02 to your $0.05:

        1. As one of the famous PUAs said: “Attraction isn’t a choice.” This means: we have little control over what we find attractive. Add to this a little-known fact that, in general, men find most women at least somewhat attractive, while women don’t find many men attractive, and you have an added difficulty for men to overcome. Men can only do so much to make themselves attractive to women. Charisma is one such means, and probably the best to focus on. You, the man, could be drop-dead gorgeous, but the woman you’re trying to attract could drop you like a bad habit if she’s PMSing that day, or not feeling it. You’re toast — end of story. There are many things that can affect a woman’s ‘gina tingle. (A guy’s boner, too, the older he gets — the least of which is a fugly and high-maintenance shrew.)

        2. In today’s economy, career success is wildly variable. Many are struggling, both young and old, and if a man isn’t suceeding career-wise, this is hard to hide. He tends to feel like a failure. I know I struggled a lot when I was 20-something and this came out in my attitude, etc. Again, it was hard to hide. Things would have been different if I was able to get on a solid career path at that time. But, on the flip side, I probably would have been married and had a kid or two by this time, and regretted every minute of it.

        Men try. We DO try. Sometimes we get it, sometimes we don’t.

      • @alurker:
        The other thing that women never talk about:
        They almost ALWAYS want to date a guy taller than them.
        In that sense, they’re the most superficial.

        A little experiment for you:
        Check out the mall, note the couples.
        Observe in 99.999999% of your observations, the woman will ALWAYS be with a taller guy.
        Please, celebrities don’t count.

        For women to prove they believe in equality, they have to be willing to marry guys 1) shorter than them, 2) less educated than them, 3) earn less than them.
        Anything less than that is excuses for hypergamy.

        And sometimes a woman who is “ignored” is simply waiting for the alpha to notice her. Every other guy is invisible _EVEN when he approaches her_.
        They are, in the words of dalrock, “passive riders of the carousel”

  6. the same on said:

    chemistry?, no no, she is being a witch. That is why she is “looking” online, real life witches dont get a real good man. Run from online dating, those women overther are nuts, and you know it. Deep down you wonder, Why is she still trying to find Mr Right. you know the answer, she never will.

  7. Pingback: Linkage is Good for You: Week of February 19, 2012

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