The Private Man

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Calling Captain Obvious!

When I hear discussions about dating, it always amazes me that many of you seem not to have any time for actual dates. We stuff every waking moment with something that is not dating. Yet we manage to complain mightily about wanting to date.

It’s time to call in Captain Obvious:

This is your captain speaking, if you want to have a fun and healthy dating life, you have to make time for it.

For men, it’s their enthusiasms – video games, sports, outdoor hobbies, etc – that often fill their time to the exclusion of dating. Those are optional activities in life and must be re-arranged accordingly. Your buddies will understand. Your favorite team won’t miss your eyeballs for a couple of games. These are small sacrifices for perhaps meeting a very wonderful girl.

For women, it’s usually social activities or something like yoga which eat into their potential dating time. Your friend, Linda, doesn’t need to see you every Saturday for lunch. If she’s a real friend, she’ll be supportive. If she gets possessive with you time, re-evaluate your friendship. Also, don’t forget that you shouldn’t be talking about your dating life with your friends (link below)

For the online daters, it takes time to write and/or respond messages. It takes time to read profiles. It takes time to write and modify a profile. In general, if you don’t have the time to date, you shouldn’t even try and stop bitching about it.

I certainly understand that work and family are always priorities for both men and women. Regardless, dating does take time. Let’s call in Captain Obvious for an encore performance:

This is your captain speaking, you will meet people who are unsuitable for you. Dating is a risk.

This is the really frustrating part of dating because of the time spent (and money) with people who will never get a second date. Fortunately, the risk can really pay off. Also, each date is an opportunity to learn and meet someone to have a good conversation with. Social skills require practice and dating is excellent practice.

Captain Obvious has now left the building, for now.

A Huge Dating Secret For Women


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50 thoughts on “Calling Captain Obvious!

  1. someguy302004 on said:

    Sadly, dating is often a competition over who is busier (in the case of women, busy AND fabulous…).
    Enter the drama of scheduling/ rescheduling dates… I often just respond with “ok” or “maybe another time” to a flake (in order to gauge interest. Throw in the war of time constraints on dates, and dating becomes even more harsh.
    Unfortunately, in terms of hawk-dove game theory, we are all forced to be hawks.

    • “Maybe another time” is conveying too much interest.

      She screwed you over. She doesn’t require further investment. “Okay” is the best response, as you also said. She will then be forced to chase you. Here are a range of shit test responses, Heartiste’s one at number 4 is particularly recommended.

    • DC Phil on said:

      Oh, yes . . . let’s not forget about the time constraints that women put on us when we try to date. Nowadays, if that happens, I just say that we can reschedule for another time. Ditto for if she happens to be at a bar or club with a friend of hers, or two (which just happened when I went out with a friend of mine fairly recently). Turn around and walk out.

  2. I’ve gotten to a point where the only date activities I set up are ones where I’d enjoy the activity regardless of whether or not she’s enjoyable, or ones where I can walk away without any high losses.

    The first category involves hiking, concerts, plays, art gallery openings, etc. Free activities you’ll enjoy and can invite her into your world are key (I work in theatre, so plays and concerts are free/cheap for me). Its fun and will add value to your life as a man even if she brings nothing to the table and you never see her again.

    The second is the coffee shop/cafe date. I block off more time than I’ll tell a date and if I like her give her more time as a present of sorts. Options to bounce to a restaurant, bar, other activity, or home. But if it goes rather poorly literally just walk away and leave her at the coffee shop. At worst you are out a few bucks, and even if it doesnt turn into a second date (most don’t) you should have the Charismatic skills to charm a good conversation out of a rock

    • Realized I forgot to make my point clear. By doing these kinds of dates they feel less like dates, burdens, a chore, or a risk. Its just another enjoyable day of my life, that happens to be spent with a specific woman.

      Which is how I like it

    • Those are good ideas and I kind of follow something similar. On a first date I meet someone for something that I would be doing anyway because I enjoy it. Women tend to benefit from first dates more than men. Women generally like attention more than men and men like sex more than women. A first date gives women the attention they like while requiring men to give up their time with no guarantee of sex. Add to that the amount of money the guy is spending and there’s more of a cost to first dates for men than women. Anything a guy can do to minimize that cost is a good idea.

      • DC Phil on said:

        Free or low-cost stuff (my limit is $20) is the way to go. If coffee, get the coffee to go and walk in the park or some other open-air market, for example, weather permitting. The latter worked for me last year when I met this self-important woman who made all kinds of comments on the perfumed soaps and knick-knacks on display. Materialist, she was, in addition to showing me a different kind of name-dropping: viz., that she was a former CIA case officer in New Delhi.

  3. sestamibi on said:

    Here’s a somewhat obscure 1995 indie movie about people all too busy to get out of their Manhattan apartments:

    When I was single, I discovered paradoxically that as I got older that it actually got harder to find dates–even with older women who should have known better. I concluded that it was a self-selection process. Those for whom marriage/relationships were top priority made whatever compromises necessary to obtain that status, hence over time an ever-growing share of the remaining single women consisted of those who either had highly unrealistic expectations or simply preferred to become lifelong singles. They sure showed, often quite openly, that they would rather be alone or with each other instead of with men.

    • DC Phil on said:

      1. I’ll have to watch that movie. Funny premise it is, and though it’s from 1995, it’s scarily ahead of its time. Worse now, of course, because of the Net, IM, and smartphones. REALLY no need to leave the house now, especially if you telecommute. ๐Ÿ™‚

      2. The self-selection thing works for all of us over time, and works for friendships as well, not just for marriage/relationships. The older I get, the “pickier” I get regarding the kinds of people I choose to spend my time with. Avoiding bitchy and unrealistic women isn’t so hard to do. Making new male friends that are at least somewhat RedPillish (or who can think for themselves) . . . now THERE’S the challenge.

  4. Pingback: Calling Captain Obvious! « PUA Central

  5. JulesK on said:

    My “hobby” is certainly very time and labor intensive, but I still made time for my boyfriend. We did break up after a year and a half, but not for lack of making time for us. I think it’s *very* important for people to have and always maintain something that they are deeply interested in. Some people never find this, and have even mentioned that they feel it’s a gaping hole in their lives. I think they’re right, because I can’t imagine being without it. It’s not really a hobby so much as an anchor that’s always been a source of focus, relaxation, and basically, just all good things my whole life. My very good friend is the same way, and married to a great guy who doesn’t try to impede her in any way. They’re one of my favorite couples.

  6. Dillon on said:

    Women are owned by their “friends”. It’s one big lump.

  7. Nupnupnup on said:

    This reminds me of an old idea of mine (I think it is briefly touched upon in 4 hour work week, too): what if I were to outsource the online dating activities to someone else? In other words, leave the recruiting to someone else and simply focus on the interview and hiring process. Done properly, it works very well in business, I wonder if it could be done in dating, too.

    • Hamster Tamer on said:

      Interesting slant… even more interesting would be the filtering/self-selection that would result from wimminz willing to be “screened” by strangers in a Hindi-accented call center in Bangalore… (Lordy, despite being in a STEM field, I just this second noticed the incredible porn-innuendo in that Indian city’s name–almost a Bond Girl name, LOL!)

      • Nupnupnup on said:

        You think Bangalore is a good city name? Try Bangkok – nomen est omen ๐Ÿ™‚

        I am not sure India would be my first choice for this – for cultural and language reasons, Eastern Europe might be a better bet for me. Properly done, it might not actually impart anything on the screening process – online they cannot really tell and arguably, you need to calls/skype yourself anyhow.

        An otherwise interesting element: you essentially remove yourself from the first level of rejection. Which would be a clear benefit for someone with AvPD… (of course, there is added complication that you would need to find a good provider for this)

        As for elite matchmakers, a local journalist tried them a couple of years ago and came away saying they were utterly useless. Which is exactly what I expect: I can see the incentive for desirable men to use them but WTF would a desirable woman do so (in particular, women in their early 20s should have a time/income relation that outsourcing dating would seem like a pretty stupid idea)?

      • JulesK on said:

        Hmm, yeah early 20s doubt it would work for men or women… they simply don’t have the income, and have both plenty of time and opportunities to meet people anyway.

      • Nupnupnup on said:

        So what is a guy in his early 30s with the job, income and looks but not the time/confidence going to do? (Aside of watching porn, that is) Seems like we are screwed.

      • JulesK on said:

        Well, I do think that guys can go up to about 10 years younger (although that’s the max unless they’re poor and look at you as some kind of meal ticket) – I mean that us women can find a guy who’s up to about 10 years older actually “hot” if he ages well. If you *really* want that girl who’s 8-10 years younger, you’ll be in a bit easier spot in a few years when those girls all finish school and are working seriously (i.e. they’re in their mid to late twenties and you’re in your mid to late 30s). For now, I think you’d really have to go to them… and that’s going to be tough because at the ages you guys are at, you’re really in very different places in life (age differences matter more the younger people are). Not impossible, but I’d guess harder. And I guess it also depends on what you’re looking for… If you’re just looking for lays, I bet that’s out there, and that a “mature” guy with the right look and attitude can certainly get college age poon if that’s what he’s after. I mean, that’s essentially what most of these blogs are all about, and certain kinds of guys have been very successful getting that from a certain kind of naive young woman before PUA was even a “thing”.

      • Nupnupnup on said:

        I think the looks are not an issue in my case – everyone tells me I look much younger than I am – for example, up until maybe 2 years ago, I regularly (not always tough) got carded when buying beer, which is legally available at 16 ๐Ÿ˜›

        The problem is really more meeting them. I guess there’s always clubs but I really hate that environment so that one is out. Women my age seem to start having baby rabies so that is definitely out of question. So in essence, I am screwed ๐Ÿ™‚

      • JulesK on said:

        No, if that’s the case, you just need to get out. But yes, getting into their environment is going to be the hard part if you’re not looking for the club girl because in every day life you guys are just in totally different places. Honestly, the yoga classes aren’t a bad idea at all. It is super trendy as has been mentioned. That, or something in the same vein.

      • DC Phil on said:


        If you’re on the geeky side, then go to events where there are geeky girls.. For example, last year, I ran into a group of young women at one of the museums here in DC who were in town for some kind of anime convention. They were all dressed like some anime characters, and I asked the one about her costume. She proceeded to talk my ear off and it took just some prodding from me, in the form of my scant knowledge of some anime I like (e.g., “Cowboy Bebop”), to get her to keep the conversation going. Too bad she was married. ๐Ÿ™‚

        Caveat: the geek events will most assuredly have more guys than girls. On the other hand, if the guys are socially awkward and ignoring the girls, then you have an open field. ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Nupnupnup on said:

        I used to be a classical computer geek but never had much interest in most of the other areas (anime, science fiction etc) – these days I am somewhere in noman’s land between geek and whatever else (I dare not say normal). I am still very interested in specific areas of science (some fields in biology, medicine, neurology, and psychology and how they can better my life) and almost required by my job, economics and finance but not really in anything that you could consider geek “culture” (video games, anime, scifi, fantasy, what have you)… Museums (even the ones in DC which are among the best I’ve seen) usually just bore me, there’s too much exhibits and too little actual content to the displays… OTOH, I am perfectly happy not discussing these things with much of anyone, there’s enough knowledgeable people to discuss them with online who do not think you are crazy for pursuing some of them.

      • DC Phil on said:


        Not too long ago, someone recommended that I delve a bit more into pop culture in order to “broaden my horizons,” since I’m still a bit of a geek at my current age. He was being somewhat tongue-in-cheek as I’m not that much interested in what passes for pop culture these days. However, with the Net, you can do some searches here and there to find out what’s “hot” and what’s “not.”

        I guess the only thing to say, really, is that you sometimes have to listen to what people are talking about in order to find out what’s important to them. I’m not talking about trying to listen to people in loud clubs. Been there, tried that, hated it. OTOH, with other social events, you can learn a lot just by listening.

        Read Roosh’s “Day Bang” if you haven’t already done so. He has some good information in there about “not scaring the cat” and “elderly chat.” By and large, the chick isn’t going to carry the conversation forward and will shift the burden onto you. Fair enough. At least you can control the interaction that way. If she clams up and gives you negative IOI’s, then that’s a clear sign to bail. She’s not worth anymore time or effort.

      • Nupnupnup on said:

        I read parts of Bang and wasn’t all that impressed with it – is Day Bang significantly different?

    • JulesK on said:

      This is exactly what elite match-makers do. Why no?

      • DC Phil on said:

        I think he might have been referring to something like Let’s Do Lunch! or the kinds of agencies that exist out in Beverly Hills or Manhattan, for the high-rollers who don’t have time to date. LDL was one of the first of the matchmaking agencies back in the late 90s and early 00s. I remember seeing ads for them (and this is the days when was in its infancy) locally and wondering if that sort of thing would actually work. In making the owers boatloads of money? Sure. In successfully matching up folks. Nah, not so much.

      • JulesK on said:

        Hmm, it seems like it should work for a certain set of people. It’s basically headhunting.

      • Nupnupnup on said:

        No I was actually more thinking of having a (virtual?) assistant troll online dating sites for me. Hey, I could even select the ones I think are interesting, in a first cut, looking at pics is good enough for that. Which could arguably be done in 15 minutes per week. Even I can squeeze that in somewhere ๐Ÿ™‚

      • JulesK on said:

        I really like that idea.

    • JulesK on said:

      er, why not I mean… And it’s sort of what sites like e-harmony try to do, from what I’ve read. If the process were improved, it seems like it would work great.

  8. stillfishing on said:

    โ€œSadly, dating is often a competition over who is busier (in the case of women, busy AND fabulousโ€ฆ).โ€

    Maybe its just me but i just dont feel the need to fit into someone elseโ€™s schedual of between 3 to 5 pm on a sunday when its the only time they have available so its take it or leave it, i think i leave it thank youโ€ฆ Poolside is a better option. Been in this position to many times its no wonder so many decent men are MGTOW. Here is an example of my last girlfriend

    Mon- work & gym
    Tue-work & salsa
    wed-working late
    thursday- work &spanish lessons
    friday- work
    saturday- gym, family, friends, clubbing
    sunday- parents for dinner, then boyfriend over for couple of hours


    • DC Phil on said:

      The counter to this is to have sufficiently rewarding activities in your own life where you don’t need the girlfriend but, maybe, twice a week at max. Remember that having a girlfriend is meant to accentuate your life and to bring it value that being alone doesn’t accomplish. If the woman doesn’t bring this added value to your life — sex, cooking, taking care of you when you’re sick, lending you her car when you need it — then ditch her.

      As for myself, I need my gym time at least two or three times a week to maintain my good health, strength, and flexibility. It comes in handy when I’m banging the woman vigorously, of course. ๐Ÿ˜‰

      • stillfishing on said:

        @ DC Phil
        I hear ye man, Iโ€™m training three times a week myself, twice weights and once mao-tai so I need that me time too, Iโ€™m currently doing a MBA an still managed to find a few hours to fit her in but she couldnโ€™t reciprocate, it tried to make it a bit better than sex on a Sunday between 3-4 once every two weeks.
        Youโ€™re right on with this though โ€œif she does not bring value to your life โ€” sex, cooking, taking care of you when youโ€™re sick, lending you her car when you need it โ€” then ditches her”
        I think its one area of the red-pill that is often overlooked; one can become so caught up in trying to maximize every utility, resource and competency that sometimes you just have to let the girl go and find one who is a better fit. I was actually accused of wanting too much from the relationship for a bit more hangout time; three hours a week is hardly OTT

      • DC Phil on said:

        The perils of overscheduling. It affects both men and women nowadays.

        Actually, if you don’t have the time to devote to her more than just a few hours a week, then it might be a good idea to dial back on dating for a while, and forego relationships. Neither party is served when there’s a lack of time. Best to just find a fuck buddy to take care of your needs.

  9. Hamster Tamer on said:

    For women, itโ€™s usually social activities or something like yoga which eat into their potential dating time.

    Puh-LEASE don’t even whisper anything to discourage women from doing YOGA. Most forms of yoga are way more strenuous than they look. (Think obesity epidemic). Here in So-Fla, yoga classes have pleasantly high percentages of svelte, limber, graceful, and interesting FOREIGN ladies, with very feminine demeanor. AMHIK.

    (Bonus: doing all those deep plie squats = head-spinning Kegel pressure! I know Danny504 will back me up on this.) ๐Ÿ˜€

    • Nupnupnup on said:

      Aren’t you perceived as creep/gay if you go to a yoga class as a guy (honestly wondering because done properly, it would definitely select for hot chicks)?

      • DC Phil on said:

        Personally, I wouldn’t care if the women at the yoga class considered me creepy or pervy. Going to yoga is for my benefit and my benefit alone, not for theirs. It’s the same with me going to the gym: exercise. Now, if the women in yoga want to chat (which they rarely ever do — proof positive of professional urban women who are in their own bubbles), fine with me.

        My additional take is that most women like to go to yoga because it’s trendy and because they have an aversion to working with weights because they don’t want to look too “bulky.” Sure, yoga is great for flexibility and strength, but weightlifting is great for strength and helping them prevent osteoporosis later in life (provided that they clean up their diets in the process).

      • Nupnupnup on said:

        Yeah, which is precisely why yoga is not something I could do as exercise. It’s simply not efficient enough in building muscle (don’t even get me started on cardio). I am not even sure whether it is all that useful for toning. Hence, the women would be the incentive to go but if they won’t talk, well screw that.

      • DC Phil on said:

        My recommendation for cardio: spin class. At my gym, there’s a good ratio of men to women, and the workout kicks your ass. Not to many women, I’ve noticed, stick around. Must be too hard for them, and so they retreat to the treadmill and cross-trainers.

      • Nupnupnup on said:

        I am an ectomorph – cardio is a waste of time for me and, worse, it risks me losing the few pounds I gained through all the hard work over the last couple of months (a colleague just today commented that obviously I had gone to the gym over the holidays, so I am on the right track with only weight lifting ๐Ÿ™‚ )…

    • DC Phil on said:


      Might be a good time to get a physical if you haven’t already done so, followed by some blood tests for cholesterol, blood sugar, etc. And a thyroid test. This, of course, is if you can afford it and have insurance to cover most of the cost.

      I say to get these test to find out about your general state of health. I’ve always been an ectomorph (thanks, Dad, for skinny genes), but I was almost in the “skinny-fat” category about three years ago. Having internal fat is far worse than subcutaneous fat. Check the Net for information on obesity and diabetes.

      It also sound like you probably should be eating a bit more. Yeah, cardio, might be a waste of time, but it’s necessary if you want to maintain a healthy heart. It isn’t all about muscles.

      • Nupnupnup on said:

        I get yearly check ups, all my blood markers are spot in the middle there should be and trust me, skinny fat looks different – you can’t usually see four packs on skinny fat people ๐Ÿ™‚ (I never managed to get to six pack, still trying though :).

        I am currently aiming at ~2500cals/day (total from fat/proteines/carbs in that order) to gain some muscle mass.

        The one thing I have not yet done is seeing an endocrinologist while my Testosterone is not that low in tests, I fit a lot of the symptoms that low T generally comes with (my GP thinks my hormone levels are fine but then again, he never finds anything wrong even if I feel half dead so that’s to be taken with a grain of salt ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Nupnupnup on said:

        BTW, read “Body by Science” regarding whether cardio is really required (it’s not like you do not also push your heart through weight lifting). I find the argument convincing. However, personally I seem to need two or three workouts per week for maximum effect, not the one he is arguing for.

  10. Titanium on said:

    The best time to talk to yoga chicks is just before class where everyone is standing around waiting for the class to start. There’s no talking once class has begun. After class, everyone seems to disperse to do their own thing. The classes I’ve been to are 95% women. Like Phils says, who cares what they think. I’ve found that, for the most part, yoga chicks are fit. I never see big chicks in class.

  11. Did you get this from Yahoo Dating?

  12. I am a very busy guy and find myself in the position of not having alot of free time to date all the women interested in me from online dating (I work fulltime and in RN school pursuing a 2nd degree). With that being the case, I find that most of the women are patient and willing to work with my schedule because i’m quite clear about it from the beginning. My biggest problem is the amount of emailing involved and not appearing disinterested to a particular woman. I try my best to keep up with the emails but it can be a bit much.

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