The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Three Of Four Have Flaked… An Online Shit Test?

Since my last online dating update from a few days ago, the usual flaking has resulted.

Only one woman (out of four) has been escalated to a phone call and the possibility of a date. The others simply stopped corresponding. I see this as a fundamental lack of interest. There could be other reasons for online flaking which I discussed here.

Predictably, the woman who reached out to me (and whom I have found attractive enough to respond) are not flaking and are working up the escalation to a real date.

Naturally, I’m still sending out messages. Online dating is a numbers game.

I have been mulling over another reason for online flaking. It could be a shit test to determine my persistence. I certainly realize that these women are likely corresponding with other guys. I accept this as the basic ground rules in the world of online dating. So perhaps these women are consciously or subconsciously testing my resolve to keep pursuing them. If so, it’s a helluva shit test because the only way to pass (from a man’s point of view) the test is to simply stop the correspondence and move on.

To send follow-up, reminder messages is quite the beta move unless it’s a message filled with supremely alpha text that doesn’t come across as snarky. I need to think about this and test a message or two. Input is appreciated.

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16 thoughts on “Three Of Four Have Flaked… An Online Shit Test?

  1. Sorry to hear about the flaking. When women did that to me it was a slap (albeit small) in the face, and after a time it wore me down a bit. When I was on Match, I got the most interest in women that showed an interest in me first. It got to the point that I stopped winking at women or writing them an e-mail because they would either not respond or would stop responding after a few exchanges. OTOH, if a woman showed an interest in me first there was a really good chance it would lead to a date. On Match, it got to the point where I would not email or wink first. What I would do is wait to see which females looked at my profile first (based on my pic I suppose). If she clicked on my pic to look at my profile, I figured there was some interest; then I would email a short and witty (if that is possible for me, according to Workstunt Joe) note. I would say this lead to a date 70% of the time

    I used Match very passively in this manner for about 2 years. When I did this, I got about one date a month. For me, it just isnt worth the time to do more. There are so few sexually attractive women of my age around here its just not worth the extra effort to meet them.

  2. The online flaking is indeed frustrating. What I find so amusing is that women complain so much about flaky men. “I gave him my phone number but he never called”.

    And I have two dates set up for this weekend. Yes, I will be going out with the single mom from my previous post. On Sunday, well, that’s going to be quite a story.

  3. Oh, and a related story: I was on POF for about a couple of months (met nobody at least that was halfway attractive). As I recall, on POF you can give a numerical score (from 1 to 10) for someones pic. Well, shortly after I started my new profile, there were about dozen women in america and a couple in Europe who rated me a “10”. Since I know that I’m not a “10” in real life (although I’m sure I’m higher than WorkSlob Joe), I knew there was something going on…and then it hit me: The women that rated me a “10” I returned the favor and rated them a “10”, which is exactly what these women wanted! This was because there was some feature on POF where you can look at the women with the highest average scores, and it lists them from 10.0 on down.

    So basically I was an unwitting judge in a POF beauty contest.


  4. Yeah, and so many women’s profiles say “no games”. Yup, got it. No games.

    Snort, chuckle, guffaw.

  5. I don’t think these women are testing your frame Privateman. I think they are just attention whores looking for validation of their attractiveness.

    I would say that the vast majority of women on POF are not sincerely interested in meeting anyone. That’s just the nature of the territory. Its free. You get what you pay for.

    If you want to persist with online dating I would get serious and join a paid dating site instead.

    Don’t neglect your daygame or nightgame either.

    • Based on the amount of flaking going on, I am thinking you are right in your assertion about all the attention whoring going on with PoF.

      I do have a paid account but I have been neglecting it. The problem is that all the women I have seen on Match are also on PoF. Local conditions do have an impact on dating website participation rates.

      I am rather tempted to address the issue in my profile but that would likely come across as Beta or generally whiny.

      • Hughman on said:

        I’ve pointed it out before, PoF is for attention whores. OKCupid is where it’s at.
        I might do an experiment. Boost my age up, maybe my height. See how much better I get at PoF responses

  6. Hughman on said:

    Well, I’ve just finished a two day marathon with my latest online conquest. To paraphrase her, she was infatuated with me from reading my profile and first message.

    Either the girl wants you, or she doesn’t. Very rarely is there a middle ground.

    • Instant chemistry. And who says only men think with their genitals?

      • Speaking of instant chemistry: God, I want to bang Kim Wilde, circa 1987

      • Hughman on said:

        Exactly. Never seen anything like it when sober. She could ride like a demon, but unfortunately, lots of baggage and far too loose… But, she is pretty and very affectionate. Useful to have her in public with me to build my status up. Been very dry with my actualy department this year… Classic rule of Game, success breeds success

  7. wingman on said:

    Ok, I hate to be rude and borderline abusive. There’s a simple answer to all of this: cash.

    If they think you have it, they respond. And that’s about it.

    I know this from a friend (average looking dude), who posted on Seeking Arrangement. He was simply offering ‘generosity’ in exchange for ‘friendship’. The women mostly said they didn’t want a LTR, etc. But guess what? Lo and behold, once he got the communication going, they were falling over themselves to go out with him (and in quantity too). When he did, turned out a lot of them wanted LTR’s after all. (no, you don’t say? How can that be?).

    This is why young dudes stretch their meager paychecks to get the right car, clothes, bling, etc. when they go out. It’s all about appearance. The hidden message in all advertising – ‘this product will make you more attractive’.

    So for us over-40 types, we actually have an advantage – it’s easier to get away with appearing to have some stash. In your profile picture, get the right accessories in place. (Polo shirt, fancy frames, nice watch) and take the photo in front of a boat down by those Florida canals. Have a confident smile. Make reference to being ‘big-hearted’, etc.

    My bet – you do something along these lines, the response rate rises and the flaking drops out. Then the ball’s in your court. Up to you how to proceed. GAME on!

  8. Bohemian Rockstar on said:

    Yep, I have to agree. I emailed heaps, but in the end, the non flakey ones contacted me first. My ltr contacted me first. The ones I did all the work were flakey.

    The answer: join a paid site and have a great profile.

  9. I work at a large company/institution in a mid-sized city in the mid south. Today, we has a brief “Staff holiday” where we got free food and assorted useless junk. I walked by hundreds of women between the ages of 30 and 60, with an average age about 45. I’m guessing maybe I passed by approximately 250 women. I decided to keep a mental count to the number I thought were reasonably sexually attractive.



  10. Mark on said:

    I’ve had experiences on similar to NMH above. I go out and look at womens profiles. They can see who is looking at their profile and then if they look back that shows a certain level of interest on their part and they’ll usually respond to an email if I send one. The top twenty percent of women in looks on internet dating sites are flooded with emails and I find it’s usually a waste of time to email them. They either don’t respond or if they do respond they are the type who go out with lots of guys just so they can brag to their female friends about all the guys taking them out. Those types of dates don’t lead to sex so I don’t even waste time on them. I stick with average or slightly above average looking women. I’ve also found I do better with certain kinds of women. For example, white or Asian women, less religious women and more educated women respond back to me more. So I also don’t waste time emailing religious black women who never got past high school. It saves a lot of time knowing who your potential email responders are in advance because you can just email them.

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