The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Dating Takes Courage

She clicked the wrong button on Plenty of Fish. She was viewing her auto-generated matches and there was my smiling face on her computer’s monitor. As her friends had encouraged her to try online dating, she jumped in, not really understanding all the various on-screen controls.

When I opened Plenty of Fish, I saw that her “meet me” message was in my inbox. I reviewed her profile and responded. I never respond with something long and involved. I keep things brief and positive. She responded back. I didn’t know the whole backstory of why she was online dating. She was a bit older than me and her photos showed a woman of an attractive and pleasant demeanor. Smiling makes a woman so much more attractive in her online dating profile photos.

With some back and forth messages that were brief and pleasant, phone numbers were exchanged. Texting resulted, as did a phone call. A daytime, weekend date was set up. It was ice cream at a very established local ice cream place close to where I live. I do a lot of walking.

She arrived a bit late because of parking issues but did send me a text letting me know that she would be late. That’s seriously polite. I hope everyone does the same. We found each other on a summer’s day and spent an hour or two chatting amicably while eating ice cream. The ice cream melted quite quickly.

This is where the courage comes in. This woman was not ready for dating. She knew it and she told me directly early in the conversation. I was not fazed. I enjoy being social and learning about people. It turns out, she’s a widow. Her husband of 20 years had died suddenly only about a year previously. I didn’t question her about the circumstances, that’s way too personal when meeting a person for the first time. She told me flat out that she was seriously considering texting me on multiple occasions to cancel our meeting. But she still came out to meet me. We had a fine chat.

The take-away lesson from that date is this: Dating takes courage. It means moving out of a comfortable space and actually going on dates. This woman did it. Even though she clicked a link accidentally, she followed up and went on a date with me. I was quite flattered. Dating requires introspection and adaptation to the current realities of the world. This includes both technology and social realities. Introspection takes courage. When that woman left the house to meet me, she was taking a big step.

I continually exhort men to get out of the house and be more social. This is a big part of the courage to go on dates. As well, women over a certain complain mightily that not enough men attend social events. Think about this, guys. There are more available single women out in meetspace. Online dating is all well and good but real life is so much better. Courage, gentlemen, courage.

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18 thoughts on “Dating Takes Courage

  1. patriarchal landmine on said:

    seppuku also takes courage.

  2. The fact that she is a widow of a 20-year marriage rather than a divorcee, is a good sign that she is capable of maintaining a relationship. BUT…these days, that does not make her any less dangerous.

    Remember the old ‘jokes’ that “men die before their wives because they want to”, and “for men, the only good thing about marriage is that you no longer fear Death”.

  3. “As well, women over a certain complain mightily that not enough men attend social events.”

    Please provide specific examples.

    Speed dating? More men than women.
    Salsa classes? More men than women.
    Salsa socials? More men than women.

  4. Dating definitely takes courage. Louis CK says that a man’s biggest fear about dating is that his date will be fat. A woman’s biggest fear is that she’ll be raped or murdered.

    Sadly, you might be one of the nicer men she will meet on POF. It’s a nightmare to be a woman on POF. My first bit of advice for anyone looking for a serious relationship would be to get off of POF. If you just want to get laid, good luck and be sure you wear a condom.

    • Women are not attracted to “nice guys”.

      • That’s bullshit. It’s an idea that’s great for blog fodder though.

      • No bullshit. Women see nice guys in three categories:
        1. Guys who are trying to be nice to get into my pants but they don’t excite me.
        2. Guys for the FriendZone but they don’t excite me.
        3. “Huh? What nice guy? I never noticed him.”

        Blog it up. I can’t wait.

      • You’ll be waiting a long time. I’ve refused to write about it, because it’s a notion that’s insulting to both men and women alike. Just because it’s on the web doesn’t make it true, and writing about it is simply a way for dating websites to write for keywords. They do not contribute something to the conversation about men and women. They just go for click bate. It’s all yours.

      • You won’t write about it because you know it’s true. You loathe nice guys. Even worse, nice guys are invisible to you. I am immune to click bait blog posts… a free WordPress account won’t allow it! You plead for sponsors, I only ask for donations. But nice try.

      • You’re entitled to your opinion.

      • Yup. And many guys are reading this opinion. They are learning. When you go on so many dates, what do you offer?

      • So what? You’re saying because I haven’t settled for someone I wasn’t attracted to I’m not a “nice” woman? I don’t see what one thing has to do with the other.

        How many dates do you think the average woman goes on before she gets married?How many of the women who married one of the first five men they’ve met get divorced? How many dates have you been on?

        Regarding “nice” guys, part of the problem is in the definition. Is he nice if he’s waits for the woman to take the lead? Is he nice if he’s a virgin? Is he nice if he shows his feelings? What constitutes “nice”?

      • I never commented on your “niceness”. I only asked the most important question in dating – what do you offer a man?

        Here comes the extended follow-up question that both women and men screw up because of social expectations. What do you offer a man that he wants” Men are too scared to state their needs so women are left with guessing or projecting their needs onto men. Here’s the example – women love a well-traveled man so women think that men love a well-traveled woman.

        As for “niceness”, that’s not the easiest to nail down but I’ll give is a stab. For a guy, being nice means doing a woman’s bidding, a terrible approach to attraction and dating. Women exploit those kinds of guys and ultimately develop a deep loathing for them. It’s a man’s job to take the lead in dating. Sadly, too many men are way too passive about it.

        As for me, I’ve been on enough dates to figure this stuff out. But your other questions are valid, especially for the post-divorce crowd. I really do want to know how many dates on average it takes before one’s relationship goals are met.

  5. Women wouldn’t be the only ones projecting their needs . The term “nice” means different things to men and women, hence why this always ends up being an argued point. Men think that women are nice if they are doing a man’s bidding, so, they think that a man is nice if he is doing a woman’s bidding. For most women, a nice guy is someone who is personable and reasonable. Someone who isn’t acting like the world revolves around them. When most women say that they want a nice guy, they just assume that the man has boundaries that go along with that niceness. It’s not even consciously thought that they wouldn’t go together. Then there’s the nice guyTM, which is closer to your definition. This is they guy who only acts personable and reasonable until he doesn’t get what he wants when he wants. Then he acts like a rage monkey .) It’s a bit like when men say they want a nice girl. Women start popping off about how nice they are, but how only the hot crazy chicks seem to get the guys. That’s because in a man’s mind, he’s thinking nice and attractive. Both sides seem to think only the jerks, male and female ,seem to make headway. Yet, men would disagree with wanting to date crazy b*tches, and women would disagree with wanting to date asshole jerks. And both would be right. There’s other things going on that the other side isn’t picking up on.

  6. Pingback: Busy Social Life, Busy Intellectual Life | The Private Man

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