The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

A Man’s Adversity Is His Test For Women

As everyone knows, I’m dealing with a serious medical condition that’s ultimately fatal. Very recent changes to my health status have made things even more challenging. When I get the results from some medical tests, I’ll share here.

When I tell the women in my life about all this, I get some interesting responses. Most women simply don’t want hear my bad news. This doesn’t suprise me and nor does it bother me. As I have learned about human behavior I have also learned that women are mostly selfish. They want life to be about themselves. It’s a solipsistic point of view. A man facing serious stuff is a boat anchor on their lives.

Again, this doesn’t bother me. It’s my job to deal with the adversities that face me. But I’ve found it very illuminating regarding how the women in my life react to what I’m going through. The few who really care are incredibly sympathetic and supportive, even it’s beyond their comfort zone. These women really do care and it’s comforting to me. The rest… eh, they’ve made their motivations clear. Relationship material, they are not, even as friends.

There are two take-aways from my unique experiences:

1. Men should shut the hell up about their adversities when talking to women even if those women claim to be friends. Yes, this is cold and tough advice. However, there is a caveat here. If a man has faced an adversity and overcome it, he can bring it up. He shouldn’t make a huge deal of it. Rather, it should be a subject mentioned in passing.

2. If a woman is not emotionally invested in you, she will not care about your adversities unless you’ve overcome those adversities. She only wants to be entertained by you or that you are generous with her. Without that emotional investment, she will completely eschew your travails because, fundamentally, it’s all about her, solipsism 101.

As I’m over a certain age, I have gained insight into women also of a certain age. Many times I’ve read about the complaints from single women regarding men – “All they [men] want is simply a nurse or a purse”. That’s honest and understandable. On the flip side, men simply want youth and beauty, regardless of the men’s age or health. But he must have something to offer just as the women must have something to offer.


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16 thoughts on “A Man’s Adversity Is His Test For Women

  1. Jester on said:

    Like yourself, I live with a miserable condition. While mine is not terminal (Really, really sorry to hear yours is!! And you know if a MAN says that to another man he definitely means it! lol #bs women say to sound empathetic lol), it is intrusive in my life and does complicate things a tad at times.

    Your first point… Spot on. Shut up about it… Women in dating don’t care about your problems and only see it as getting in the way of their happiness. (The pretty picture in their head of the future has no room in it for your sick ass!) Sad, but true.

    Point two… Again, the truth hurts. No emotional investment? Forget it. You’ll just be giving her a reason to dismiss you. (I believe you did an article on this at one point?)

    My best advise to men with health issues? Keep it to yourself as long as you can… Hide it if you can… Because really it’s none of her damn business until YOU decide it is.

    Your illness is very personal and probably a sensitive subject with you. You have every right to protect yourself from being prejudged on something she probably doesn’t even understand.

    Being a GOOD MAN veiled in a horrible condition makes dating very tough. Spilling your problem all over your dates is vagina repellant. Hold your head high and be proud of yourself for owning it. It’s your problem, not hers. Just own it and don’t give a second thought to anyone who rejects you for it… They probably just did you a huge favor!!

  2. Very sorry to hear about your health problems.

  3. Good post, except for the “All they [men] want is simply a nurse or a purse” part. It’s not honest, and it’s not understandable either, unless we keep it in mind that the large majority of female complaints directed at men simply fall into the category of pointless, mindless venting.

    • Sick (usually old) men want a nurse. Poor (often immigrant) men want a purse. UMC men also want a purse when it comes to LTRs.

      The “nurse & purse” meme is just propaganda–an effort to mitigate the impact of the realization by men of women’s AF/BB strategy. The propaganda is that men are just the same–the lie is that GMALT (generally…) when it comes to “nurse&purse” just like GWALT as far as AF/BB is concerned.

  4. Dark nights of the soul are faced alone. I found that out the hard way. Forget about being seen as courageous , resourceful. or even strong in the face of adversity. Most people can’t comprehend, or don’t want too. And then there are the mental midgets who will trivialize your adversity because your strength leaves them feeling lacking in their own.

    Fek ’em.

  5. Jack Schitz on said:


    I’m liking your series of articles here. Maybe you could do something on Trust, and how we as men should trust. Recently I had a girl that I was seeing (I’m mid 40s) ask me if I trusted her. Without really thinking too much I said “Yeah, sure you seem to be rational.” I think she initially heard the “Yeah, sure” and walked away content, but as the rest of the statement sunk in she came back and asked me what I meant. I told her something along the lines of that “I trusted her to make decisions that, at that time and in her estimation, were in her best interests. And, since I thought she was reasonably rationale, I would have some ability to predict those decisions.” She walked away looking like I just told her that he dog had died, as I suspect that she realized that I was going to apply equivalent logic to my interests vis-a-vis her and that there would be no running into burning buildings (real or metaphorical) to save her. Needless to say we didn’t last too much longer as she got very defensive around me and I walked away (it was a mostly casual relationship – and lesson learned). I have dealt with the flip side of this coin with my first wife when I got laid off from a very profitable and high status job in the 2007 recession (thankfully not sickness), but it now amuses me that there is such a double standard here with respect to adversity. As men, we generally only trust those who we have at least observed, and preferably lived with, through adversity. For women who are not related to you or very much bonded to you without hesitation, adversity is walk away time. I’m sure it can be explained by Evo Psych, but it is interesting none-the-less.

    One additional thought about tactics for with a relationship when shit hits the fan. If you are in this situation, whatever you do, do not let yourself beta backslide for a second. Actually, from a tactical perspective, you should probably be dragging out as much dark-triad as you can muster when dealing with your significant other. As sick as it may sound, the cliched unemployed factory worker getting drunk and roughing up his wife is probably exhibiting better tactics if he want to preserve his marriage than the unemployed guy doing extra chores to try to distract his wife from the fact that he is currently failing.

    Finally, I’m not sure I understood you correctly, but if you cancer is in fact terminal (or likely), I’m sorry to hear that.


    • Dude, if a girl asks the trust question, she’s going to break it. I would have dismissed the question.

    • If a woman is asking a man about trust, she’s checking whether he’s clued in about her hypergamy. A woman worth trusting mateguards herself so that you don’t need to trust her being out and about.

      “A woman worthy of me mateguards herself and doesn’t ask whether I trust her.”

  6. Sending love. Lots of people who you have never met are thinking of you x

  7. feeriker on said:

    “All they [men] want is simply a nurse or a purse.”

    Pure horse shit, solipsistic female projection of the most obvious kind.

  8. feeriker on said:

    Just remember this now, guys, for those of you who are married or in LTRs, and save it for that time in your future when you find yourself in TPR’s predicament or in similar dire straits:

    When the going gets tough, she gets going.

    Steel yourselves now, for hypergamy receives an irresistible power boost from male adversity.

  9. Pingback: That Visceral Reaction – How Predictable | The Private Man

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