Avoid The Online Dating Bait And Switch
I like to collect online dating stories. If I discover that someone is doing the online dating thing, I always ask lots of questions. The answers are usually quite informative and this allows me to find common patterns that become subjects for blog posts just like this.
One of the common problems in online dating is the bait and switch. A person (male or female) presents themselves in a profile but uses “aspirational” lying to better attract the opposite sex. This manifests in the common lies about age, weight, and height. Mostly these lies are modest in scale. I man who is 5’8″ tall may state in his profile he’s 5’10” tall. A woman who is 51 years old may state in her profile that she is 47 years old. I advise anyone doing online dating to take this in account when evaluating profiles.
Sometimes those aspirational lies in online dating profiles cross the threshold from relatively harmless exaggerations to wild falsehoods. It becomes a bait and switch scenario and I have heard too many stories of this happening. I’ve seen women post their daughter’s or younger sister’s photos. My boss told me of dates where the woman looked nothing like her photo. Her excuse for the photo switch was lame and my boss, being smart, ended the dates immediately.
My boss now has a rule about online dating. A colleague – with another unrelated story – unknowingly backed up the rule. In mentally reviewing all the bait and switch stories. I’m now onboard with the new rule but I consider it more of a recommendation:
Skype or video chat is strongly recommended during the escalation process that might lead to an actual date.
As broadband Internet access is the norm and computer cams are cheap, there is really no excuse not to have a video/audio chat with a potential date. Most instant messenger applications support video and audio. Skype is extremely popular, too. The online dating websites might also have video and audio support for their internal instant messenger programs.
It’s rather obvious why a video/audio chat helps to avoid the bait and switch. The most obvious is the comparison of profile photos to the image of person who appears in the chat window. My colleague found this out just recently when he noticed at least a 30 pound difference between the profile photos and the girl he was chatting with. His words: “Is it possible to gain 30 pounds in just her neck?” Ironically, it was the girl who insisted on the video/audio chat! Not very bright, cupcake.
Of course, an audio/video chat is not without some challenges to overcome. Remember that the camera is looking at you, too. It’s also looking at your living room or office. So, that means before a chat session can commence, some preparation is necessary. Hair and clothes should look presentable. Your appearance should match your online dating profile photos (update those photos if you must). Your computer room should be tidy and free of clutter. You should be in a good mood and be willing to talk. This advice is for both men and women, of course.
For guys, I especially emphasize on the clean and tidy computer room. And gentlemen, don’t turn the video/audio chat into something sexual. If she wants to go that way, that’s up to her. You keep it classy, buster. If you want to drop a sexual double-entendre to test the waters, go ahead but that’s as far as it goes unless she picks up on that double-entendre.
For women, I especially emphasize the hair and makeup thing. Let your hair down, for the love of femininity and all things decent and good. Don’t wear a low-cut top but don’t be wearing your “comfortable” clothes, yeesh. Recommending or accepting a video/audio chat is a great opportunity for you.
If a person rejects the video/audio chat recommendation, this should not be automatic grounds for rejection. Consider it a yellow flag and escalate to a phone call, regardless. Video/audio chatting vis-a-vis online dating is not the norm, yet. Expect some reluctance.
The Private Man 
Second bit of common sense I read today in the Manosphere that was broken down well. Good work.
I heavily disagree with this article. I am 31 years old and I say I am 31 years old. I have pictures up with minimal makeup that pretty much look like me.
Somebody insisted on skyping/video chatting with me and I was totally turned off. The reason is simple. If we are meeting somewhere and I feel like I am going to have fun at the place, I will put on my game face, a smile and get dressed for whatever Im doing, and be happy about it. I dont feel like fixing my hair to stare into my computer. And as much as people want to get “rid” of freaks that lie, I feel like what you are really getting rid of is people with flaws that you dont like (slightly bad skin, a slightly annoying voice) all things which we deal with all the time with coworkers and lear to live with. A 10 minute phone interview allows you to be extremely romantically picky without spending any time on the person at all, not even enough to have a new friend.
Pickiness is an epidemic in online dating, and I try to dissuade any sort of “technique” that makes me or the other person picky about superficial stuff. I am online to meet someone that has common interests with me. People look bad on skype video and I know that even potential nice guys that could be good for me – I will see their buck teeth up close and get turned off immediately. Same goes for them. Going on a date with someone slightly shorter or older than you expected is not the end of the world. You dont have to date them.
BY the way I have gone on IN PERSON dates with people i do not find attractive and did not want to date and never regretted them. Usually met a new friend, or talked about something interesting. Not everything has to end in love and romance.
Lying about height, age or weight is crazy. But it does happen.
Lying about your job works better. Heh heh!
It’s not a lie, if YOU believe it.
Well this will be embarrassing. I’m going to have to get up to date on this stuff. I’m not technology avoidant, it’s just that having been married up until this year, cameras and chatting would have raised eyebrows. My teen is going to have a field day with this.
Interesting post. Good job.
I’m of the mind that *slight* exagerrations are only to be expected – I presume that everybody else is doing it, and that everybody is assuming that *I* am doing it, whether or not I am. So I might as well say I’m 6’1″, instead of just 6′.
Heck, I’m 6’2″ in my biker boots.
Good point Aurini.I was basically saying the same thing:we all do it.Slight exaggerations should be expected.
Funny you should mention this…I just changed my profile line to read “Women lie about age, men lie about height.” There is nothing more disappointing for me (well…said with a grain of salt) then to arrive to a date and meet someone who claimed he was 6′ meet right into my 5’5” eyes. I just don’t get it – – why start out with a lie right off the bat. Are these people hoping their *shining* personality will win their date over?
I do agree with the video chat, or at least a phone call. If I had done that before one date, I would’ve known the guy had a stutter. That was an amazingly good time.
Most relationships start out with lies … since almost everybody is dynamic yet laid-back, “educated” yet folksy, discriminating but not judgemental …
If almost everybody says they are great, but you say you are “normal” …
what kind of a response do you think you will get?
Lmao so true.
In a sense:many of us are guilty of this.
I’m 6’2,which is considered tall.But I generally put 6’4 since I desired to be taller.
Minor fibs as you pointed out.