The Broken Gender Social Contract
The Hooking Up Smart blog and subsequent comments always yields wisdom in regards to the gender dynamic in the context of dating and relationships. To wit:
Just like women are supposed to look thin and pretty, men have to show status and good character.
In that simple quote, the commenter has nicely summarized the working social contract between the sexes. But that contract is seriously broken. Women are no longer expected to act in a feminine manner. I don’t really care who broke that contract (cough, feminism, cough) it’s the reality of the situation. With such a broken contract, we have Marriage 2.0 and Dating 2.0 (Sometimes called Darwin Dating or Combat Dating).
The worst part is that men are still expected to perform their responsibilities as defined by that broken social contract. Work hard, be a provider, sacrifice for women and family, blah, blah, blah… Most men still labor under the terms of the contract. Yet there are increasing numbers of men who understand that the contract is broken and these are the men turning to Game and Pick Up Artistry (PUA) and the Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW) strategy. Others are simply going ghost and expatriating. These are the Red Pill men.
Looking at a bit of social history, there was an attempt to change the man’s side of the social contract. Back in the 70s and on into the the 90s, there was a lot of media blather regarding men becoming more sensitive. We had prominent men – Alan Alda and Phil Donohue, for example – extolling men to be more in touch with their feelings. Many women complained (and still do) that men need to find their softer sides. The logic behind such changing expectations made perverse sense. If women were liberated to be more masculine, men should be liberated to be more feminine.
We all know how well that went. “Where are all the real men?” the women shouted from the rooftops when they realized that a generation of girlie-men had been created. For a decade or more we had men trying to be touchy-feely new age sensitive guys. Even now, there are legions of men still trying (and often succeeding) to emasculate themselves in order uphold a social expectation in order to rewrite the man’s side of the social contract. The Good Men Project is a perfect example of this. The worst video ever is another great example.
It’s not going to work. The masculine attracts the feminine. The feminine attracts the masculine. Red Pill men know this. It’s biology. It can’t be washed over with social expectations. This is highly annoying to the blank-slaters who still cling to the notion that practically every gender-based behavior is a social construct.
In today’s times of Marriage 2.0 and Dating 2.0, we’re left with three groups of men responding to the broken social contract.
1. Red Pill men who know the contract is broken and have responded accordingly (PUA, MGTOW, etc.)
2. Blue Pill men who know the contract is broken and have responded by attempting to become more feminine (manginas) or who continue to pedastalize women (white knights)
3. All the others (the majority) who sense something is broken in the social contract but can’t quite figure out how to respond.
It’s the last group of men who are in need of some simple education. They need to be taken aside, away from women and Blue Bill men, and told some basic truths that everyone in the Manosphere knows.
I strongly believe that Red Pill men have a moral duty to spread the word and educate the men – especially the younger men – who haven’t quite figured out that the social contract is broken. Sure, there are blogs to read but face to face conversations work the best for men. Personally, I am still working on a class for men to teach them the realities of women versus the lies and misconceptions as told by social expectations. If I can ever figure out the marketing angle, it will be a funny, entertaining, and profoundly educational class.
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Good essay. I think what is under appreciated is how many men out there want women to follow the contract and yet they feel they should be relieved of it. For example, Bernard Chapin, a big mens rights activist, wanting a hottie despite the fact that he is a high school counselor. I tried to challenge him about this but he blocked me on you tube.
It is interesting that the obesity epidemic, the culture influence that weakens women’s ability to fulfill their end of the contract, appears to be co-incident as the rise of women’s employment and the permanent 10% unemployment rate, which weakens men’s chance of status, and therefore weakens men’s ability to fulfill their end of the contract. Its a perfect storm to lead to the end of western civilization.
As a consequence, the number of sexually attractive men and women out there is rapidly declining with time. If you are in a LTR with someone you are really turned on by, you are one of the lucky few. You probably could not say that 50 years ago.
Only fat chicks fuck fat guys. Hahaha I love this!! P.S. Women want to date men their own age, too. I can smell the hypocrisy.
Men: If you love your sons, TEACH THEM THE TRUTH.
I don’t get it: I am a feminine woman who loved a masculine man. I am thin and pretty and modest to boot. And he still left, leaving me broken-hearted. Life is indeed unfair.
Could it be you have a difficult personality, despite your modesty? Either a) bitchy b.) sarcastic c.) self-absorbed d.) spend-thrift e.) demanding f.) pushy g.) rude to waitresses, etc, etc….
Or maybe your SMV was lower than his and he had options.
The brokenness has hurt most women in some ways too, no doubt. My take on this would be, if you really are that kind of person, don’t throw in the towel on it if it didn’t work a couple times. Build the best you that you can be, keep refining and improving it. Getting led astray by second guessing myself has hurt me more than taking a risk and failing. The advice to consider your habits in who you select, though , might help. (Note that doesn’t mean do a complete 180 and select an effeminate man.)
I love it when “modest” people brag about being modest..
Wake up. I’m thin, pretty and modest? Nope, you’re chubby, average and egocentric.
You want to know why he left?
It’s cause you didn’t ask why he left that’s why you don’t know.
You didn’t ask because like most women – you didn’t want the answer.
You haven’t given details so we don’t know if you’re talking about a divorce, a short-term relationship or what, but the important thing to remember is that it’s not going to work out every time – but being a good LTR candidate means you have an excellent chance of a good result that will work out.
It’s like cards. You won’t win every hand, but a good strategy will dramatically improve your chances. Wrt relationships, you need to play a good strategy (which you are if you are telling us the truth about yourself) and you need to be willing to play again when it fails so you can go all in for the right hand.
Heartbreak happens to everybody, even those who are doing everything “right.” Sometimes it takes a few deals to get the right result.
Part of me doubts the good old days of how men were. I wouldn’t be called an alpha overall by most guys (but I’m working on that). But my dad is more beta than me, he’s indecisive in relationships and will never learn no matter how many times it stresses my mom. And his dad was certainly more beta than my dad. My paternal grandfather was a pedestalizer through and through, but neither of his wives left him (my paternal grandmother got cancer and died before I was born). The social expectations may have been clearer but most I think most men didn’t excel at them.
Oveeall I think the bar is much higher for men than it used to be. Strong pressure toward het monogamy made relationship mediocrity sustainable. Now the male beta “middle class” is being squeezed out just like the economic one. We are becoming a go big or go home society in most ways. This is the unintended consequence of the massive civil liberties movement, society is becoming elitist. How ironic that old-school civic liberals bought into this agenda and are not reaping the rewards they thought. Go big or go home, there is no happy medium.
I wonder if a parallel with women would be that there are relatively fewer female 5-7’s today then there were 50 years ago. So a man now has a choice of a hottie or a fattie, when 50 years ago he was more likely to get a moderately attractive women.
No, I wouldn’t say I was any of the above, except perhaps the last. A man always has more options than a woman. I am sure he wants to sow his wild oats. I loved and respected him for ‘waiting’. I guess he didn’t want to wait anymore. Or there was something else I am missing…anyhow, thanks for the checklist. Always good to keep those in mind…
Wait for what? For you to put out?
Hmmm…maybe this blog CAN make a difference in softening the “fairer” sex, albeit in an incremental way.
Wow, harsh words, guys! But I cannot say I blame you. I understand more and more some of you have been bitten in the you-know-whats by unkind women. But, you know, tit for tat is not good for the soul…
Anyway, it seems I have generated a few questions. Here are some answers:
@ Retrenched: I get your joke. But my use of the word was not in the ‘humble’ sense but more of the ‘feminine decorum’ ilk.
Which answers 108spirits’ question.
@ Paul Prots: I thank you for your words, but I am afraid, wrong on all counts. In fact, I did ask, but alas, I got no reply. Hence my question to you guys.
My challenge to you gentlemen: Which one of you will be my hero and guide me constructively and positively through this jungle of unintended consequences I seem to have walked myself into? My insight, as nature allows, causes me to blame myself. But I would like to know for *what* I should be blaming myself.
Assuming all I have said before is true (which it is), any advances on NMH’s point that he simply had ‘other options’?
Thank you kindly, gentlemen.
I think the most important thing you can do 1.) is have a realistic self-asessement of your SMV (sexual market value) and 2.) know what a man wants. With regard to 1.) If he dumped you because he was an 8 and you were a 7, then, unfortunately, that is reasonable, and you should accept this. But if you think you are an 8 and you are really a 7, then you are deluding yourself that there was no good reason for him to dump you. Sorry to say it, but it is possible you are not as attractive as you think you are. Also, understand that men will date down for short term affairs. Just because you hook up with an 8 by no means suggest you are an 8. A more accurate indicator of your 8 status is if you are in a very long LTR with one and he’s happy.
With regard to 2.), men must accept that women are attracted to them for the most superficial reasons (confidence, status). Well, the same thing is true for men. Want to keep a guy interested? Its mostly about your looks. Lose weight. Tone up. Dress in the way he likes. If you have that to offer him and a genuinely sweet personality, he has hit gold. Good luck.
Thank you very much, NMH. Your words make sense. I hope you are right about it being about the looks. If it is, he should be back in double quick time LOL. As to personality, I have faults like everyone else but because I love him, it is easy to be sweet and I have been, to him (but hey, still room for improvement!) I take your advice to heart and will improve myself. As to weight, I am 1m80 and 68kg (for comparison, he is 1m89 and 105kg – muscular, not fat). I am a long distance runner and cyclist since my schooldays (I look like a professional athlete, hence thin and toned are covered, LOL). As a result of my sporty nature, I was somewhat mildly tomboyish before we met. He turned me into the feminine being I am today. He called me pretty (so, his assessment, not mine) when one day, I wore a dress (at his request), rather than the slacks I had planned on wearing, to join him for dinner. I felt pretty in the dress and also because HE said I was pretty…Since then, I keep wearing dresses and love the new feminine me. I feel on the right road to helping him hit gold, as you say 😉 but if only he comes back (sigh).
Thanks, you are my online hero for giving me good counsel and hope. *Curtsey*
Good plan with the dress. Wear some high heels too, and jewelry.
For anyone that’s from US/UK, she’s around 5’10” and 150. Tall lady, but rather trim at that weight/height.
While Game blogs can get a little directly focused on just the physical, there is more than just that for LTR (Long Term Relationship) aspects, which seems to be what you wanted. You might want to read through Athol’s work here: http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/ While it’s mostly focused toward guys, it should help with some insight into what might have been going on. You might not have read that he really didn’t want to settle down. There were probably subtle signs to what was going on.
And it’s always possible that he is a 8 and she’s a 7 and he went for something “better”, but she seems to imply they were together for a while, so I’m thinking it’s likely a little more than just SMV mismatching. Might also want to read around Bb’s place: http://bbsezmore.wordpress.com/ Lot’s of discussions about noticing the “hints” (i.e. non-verbal body language), which is an important aspect to all of this.
There’s a lot of reasons he could have called it off, but it’s odd he wouldn’t say when asked. My thought is that while you may still have the hots for him, he’s likely only coming back if he strikes out with others. I’m not sure it’s a good thing to be the one he “settles” for. So, it could be you, it could be him or it could be some combination of the two of you not really working together. What makes for solid physical attraction/willingness to sleep together don’t ensure that a long-term relationship will work well. So, there would just simply need to be more information.
(Thanks to Privateman for letting me drop a lot of links, hehe)
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I would be able to advise a girl if she could give us some actual logisitical details like how long they were together, was marriage discussed, and did he cheat on her or leave her on the up-and-up. I am sorry she has this heartache, would like to help her figure it out.
One point of fact:
“A man always has more options than a woman.”
This is not at all true. MOST women have more options than MOST men. An average woman (not saying you are one) has more men interested in her than an average man has women interested in him.
TOP men have more options than anybody (and have options for a longer time in life than top women), but they are a small subset of men. MOST men have next to NO options, a big reason many of them wind up marrying out of panic they’ll never get someone else and wind up in hostage shock-collar marriages.
Out in the Manosphere we lump this into the famous “80-20 rule,” in our application it means that ~20% of the guys get most of the attention from women. The upshot of this is that generally speaking a large number of women are fighting for the affections of a small number of privileged men.
A key factor in this distribution is what we call “hypergamy,” a woman’s tendency to be attracted to men of higher status and prestige than herself. If you are a high-performance athlete, I’m willing to bet you are successful in other areas of life, in which case your preference is to swim in a pool of suitors with a lot of options indeed. Again, without more detail it’s hard to say if that’s a factor in your outcome.
Dear Badger, thank you for wanting to help me 🙂 and for your helpful comments. To answer your questions, we were together one year. He did ‘discuss’ marriage 4 months into our relationship in that he just told me he was going to marry me one day, just like that. I was too stunned to say anything, but I was happy he said it. Later, that turned to ‘maybe’, again no prompting from me. He did not cheat on me (at least not that I know of). I don’t know if he is dating anyone right now. He refuses to take my calls, so I stopped calling. I am not likely to see him as he lives in a town miles away from me. Whatever I did, he won’t even take an apology from me. I just don’t know…
Thanks for the link, PM, good post. I estimate that a full 80% of people are not getting what they want in this SMP. 80% of guys are not getting sex, and 80% of women are not getting commitment. That’s oversimplifying – not every woman wants a relationship, not every man wants casual sex, etc. What’s important is the number of “have nots,” who comprise your #3.
One would think that with so many in the majority, the culture would shift, but as always, the extroverts, the “leaders,” set the pace.
I think men are ahead of women in this process. With the Red Pill, they understand female sexuality, and men have always had a pretty good sense of their own sexuality, which is obviously fairly straightforward in its reliance on visual stimulation. Sadly, women understand very little about male sexuality, and not much more about their own (cough feminism cough). If women would take the Red Pill about their own attraction mechanisms, we’d be a great deal closer to an effective response to the broken social contract.
Odd, I just got notified of this link today, yet I see that the post is weeks old. Sorry about the delay in responding. Will grab your RSS feed.
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The Social Contract: In order for our civilization to continue, the male and female must both strive to be worth something to the other.
Feminism: “We don’t need them, and there is no need to be worth anything to the bastards anymore!”
= Game Over.
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