The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

The Female Self-Esteem Crisis

Self-esteem in American girls and women is at a crisis point. It’s so bad that our culture now has a generation of girls and women who are incapable of forming or coping with healthy relationships with the opposite sex. This is evidenced by the “hook up” culture amongst the late teen and early 20s cohort, “combat dating”, a decreasing marriage rate, and a stubbornly high divorce rate. Our society must address the female self-esteem if there is to be any hope for future healthy relationships and intact families.

Simply put, contemporary female self-esteem is far too high. Girls and women think too highly of themselves. Whether a teen-aged princess or a middle-aged goddess, females value themselves far in excess of the social/sexual cultural realities as well as the evolutionary psychology realities.

Excess female self-esteem became a crisis when “you can be anything you want” turned into “you deserve anything you want”. That’s not a subtle shift. It’s a shocking leap into a huge pit of selfishness and egocentrism. Women and girls are now parading about expecting life to cater to their needs, no matter how outrageous they might be. It all centers around one very cancerous and emotionally fatal word, “deserve”. That word crops up almost every time a female expresses her preferences, whether it’s a man, a career, an emotion, or some material object.

A viciously unhealthy corollary to the “I deserve” phenomenon is a flat out refusal to accept, or even analyze, the negative consequences to a female’s decisions and actions. If a girl or woman faces negative consequences because of something she did on her own volition and with her own agency, there is too often blame foisted on something else, usually the nearest man. Then comes the call on government to fix the issue because of the ridiculously illogical argument that the personal is the political.

Furthering the crisis still more, any attempt to rein in a female’s self-esteem or broach the idea of consequences is met with howls of negativity in both the public and private spheres. “You’re trying to control me!” “A man can’t tell a woman what to do!” It should be noted that a female’s rationalization hamster feeds best on the word “deserve”.

While men are also taught that they can be anything they want, the word “deserve” never seems to come up. Rather, the ideas of hard work, sacrifice, self-control, and responsibility are taught to men. Men know that no one deserves much of anything unless those ideas just mentioned are put into play.

There is no large-scale fix to this self-esteem crisis. Men can only respond with their own strategies and tactics to deal with the situation. Is it any wonder why Game has been spreading around more and more? This is a specific tactic developed to counter excess female self-esteem. Men going their own way (MGTOW)? This is a full-blown life strategy to cope with a generation of females with massive egos and poor decision-making skills.

This might be the time to remind women that they don’t deserve much of anything. Sadly, I know that these words can do little in the face of a media, education, and government juggernaut that has effectively ruined women. Yeah, you go grrl.


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39 thoughts on “The Female Self-Esteem Crisis

  1. Gorbachev on said:


    Hear hear.

  2. Preach on brothaman!

  3. All that most women need to solve a self esteem issue (generated no doubt by reading “Reviving Ophelia”) is a steaming hot cup of Shut the Fuck Up! And make a sammich while you’re at it.

  4. detinennui32 on said:

    PM is absolutely blowing up the net with killer essays.

    • Thanks, coming from you that’s quite a compliment.

      I might request that this one be cross-posted at The Spearhead or In Mala Fide. I have a hankering to boost my traffic. I want to get 250,000 page views by the end of the year.

  5. johnnymilfquest on said:

    I’m sensing a much more resigned attitude from women on my side of the Atlantic.

    Forget websites like “Baggage Reclaim” or silly articles in the Daily Mail. As a newly single man I’m honestly not meeting any entitlement princesses at “ground level” here in England.

    Of course, some profiles on POF are obnoxiously negative, but the expectation of happiness just isn’t a part of the culture over here.

    An English woman is more likely to make an honest appraisal such as “I haven’t got a man, but that’s because I’m too fat/old/ugly/neurotic/career-obsessed/picky (delete as applicable).”

    She won’t change though. She’ll just shrug her shoulders and go without.

    • I have to agree on that front. Whilst it’s not as though this mentality doesn’t exist at all over here, I do tend to read posts/articles of this nature with a particular ‘America filter’ – because as soon as I get off the laptop and walk out the door, the interactions I go through with women often don’t play to this narrative.

      It’s interesting, actually, to look at responses and comments on those silly Daily Mail articles, actually – yes, you get a lot of “you go grrl”-ing, but you also get a lot of women basically saying “oh, shut up and grow up already”. And this does tend to be the (at least stated) attitude of most of my female friends – and my sister absolutely HATES any gender-based entitlement from other women.

      Additionally, in my experience, women of my age (mid-twenties) are actually more realistic when talking about this stuff than women twenty years their senior (ie, the women writing those Mail articles). Again, I can’t speak for all of them, but those I know/talk to seem to be a lot more grounded than the reports I’m getting from over the pond.

      “She won’t change though. She’ll just shrug her shoulders and go without.” This still abounds by the bucketful, though. Whilst I know LOADS of guys (including myself) who have systematically set out to improve themselves/their lives because they’re not getting what/who they want, women still seem to live in that “I just want to be loved for who I am” bubble (which to me is just a pretty way of justifying your own inadequacies to yourself. If you want to do that, fine, but let’s not dress it up).

      • johnnymilfquest on said:

        Interesting observations Rusty.

        Maybe the strident female voices just make more noise on the internet?
        Perhaps its not so much a question of local culture?

  6. Irina I on said:

    I’m disappointed in this post. It has some good opinion, but where are the facts that you use to justify such bold statements?

    “If a girl or woman faces negative consequences because of something she did on her own volition and with her own agency, there is too often blame foisted on something else, usually the nearest man. Then comes the call on government to fix the issue because of the ridiculously illogical argument that the personal is the political.”

    What do you even mean here? Can you give an example? Bold statements with nothing to back them.

    Honestly, I don’t know many women who act the way that you describe. And most women I know are in the 20’s/early 30’s, highly educated, living in a metropolitan area. Perhaps it’s different in South Florida.

    • detinennui32 on said:


      I can think of a couple of examples.

      1. Getting pregnant in serial fashion by different men, blaming the men for getting her pregnant, and calling on government to support her and the illegitimate children.
      2. Contracting an STD, blaming a man for giving her the STD, and calling on government to pay for her medications.

  7. “but where are the facts that you use to justify such bold statements?”

    Hey Irina, are you asking for evidence when feminists say there is still a gender gap? Or when they give their bogus false rape numbers? Women sure are sticklers for “facts” when they don’t like what they’re reading.

    “I don’t know many women who act the way that you describe.”

    Is there a mirror near you?

  8. Great post.

    In this country a 5 who doesn’t put any effort into her appearance, who cuts her hair short, who doesn’t take a man’s feelings into consideration, she thinks she deserves George Clooney. She doesn’t even deserve George Costanza.

  9. after 3 years in sicily i had grown accustomed to my gf (a local girl). after dating 2 sicilian women over 3 years…..i was thouroghly spoiled, and both gf’s were amazed i wasn’t used to being spoiled or being treated “como un houmo” (like a man).

    then i moved back to the the US, to NO actually, it was a HUGE shock. there’s a term i use to describe american women stationed over-seas…..”overseas princess syndrome.” you have 1 woman for every 25 men, and even 2-3’s start to belive they model for victoria’s secret. i typically stya away from military women (i don’t want to talk shop when i’m not at work). x10000 when i’m stationed overseas. i got lucky with my gf in japan (mexican girl…different values), she was very down to earth, a very nice change.

    i’ve said more than once that i typically stay away from most white, american women. when i head of to texas when i’m done here…..i’mma find me my mexicana lass.

    • Danny, my first duty station was Gitmo (pre 9/11). Every week or so, we’d get a Coast Guard cutter that pulled in to refuel. They’d get some liberty, and most of the crew ended up at the E-Club called Post 46. There were always 2-3 female Coasties there, getting drunk and grinding on the tiny dancefloor with us dumb grunts.

      They’d have a line of 150 guys with nothing better to do than PT/lift weights willing to jump on a Claymore just to smell their hair.

      I don’t know how those gals could ever recover from that. I used to pity the next dude they dated.

      • I remember meeting a young married couple at a party, both had met and were in the navy. The guy was clearly good looking and well-spoken, the woman was not. I concluded that it must be tough for guys to meet equal SMV women n the services.

      • Dannyfrom504 on said:

        Yeah dude, I’ve been to gitmo. Saw it first hand. I didn’t even entertain the idea of getting laid. I kept busy copying VHS porn to sell for $75 a pop. I couldn’t KEEP up with the requests. Lol.

      • dogsquat-
        yeah, i was in gitmo in 94. it was the same trip. i didn’t even think about getting laid. i was busy burning vhs porn for $75 per tape (each tape had 3 movies).

        a lot of military guys are just beta and settle for the whatever scraps are around. they throw themselves at OK looking women and are constantly at their beck at call. and women…even the unattractive ones get hit on A LOT and turn into entitlement queens. fucks it up for us normal guys. if you see a woman in the military that’s a 6-7, she usually thinks she’s 12. i’ve run into a few really pretty military girls (nailed a couple too) that were down to earth, but not many. i landed a 9 in qatar by ignoring her. she at least 5-5 beta orbiters. the last night in qatar we hooked up, and she said it was because i “intimiadated her”. fact was, i didn’t give shit about her, and wasn’t about to kiss her ass. when we finally talked, we clicked and she went apre shit for alpha behavior.

        that’s why i stay away from military girls.

      • Just to echo what Doc Danny said –

        The military can pound a lot of beta traits into you if you’re not careful. You live elbow to elbow with lots of people, so you tend to get pretty laid back about personal boundaries. You’re also taught obedience and to endure all kinds of irrational behavior.

        Plus, so much of your life sucks sometimes (cold, hot, tired, hurt, hungry, in pain, bored, thirsty, whatever) that enduring some shrill harpy yapping at you seems like a cakewalk. Most military guys value loyalty as well, and they don’t want to betray their wives/girlfriends.

        Once you swallow the red pill, though, you can use the true leadership and confidence you earn pretty goddamned well, in my experience.

      • dogsqaut-
        well put. i never thought of it from that perspective, so……….good call. i think i took the red pill years ago, just never realized it. i knew something was fucked up…..but didn’t realize what i was rebelling against.

        now, i know.

      • DC Phil on said:

        I can speak from experience about the military chicks, having been in the Army not too long ago.

        “Queen for a Year” is the term used to describe most military chicks during deployment, since they’re usually outnumbered by hordes of young and horny dudes with nothing to do but read, play video games, surf the Net, work, sleep, and work out. (Definitely the case for Signal/communications dudes like myself. Infantry and other combat arms dudes probably didn’t have that much down time, depending on where they were at and what their units were like.) Indeed, the ugly chicks’ SMV shot through the roof, giving them horribly unrealistic attitudes. But, with hot Army chicks in short supply, it comes as no surprise.

        Then there were the hot ones with some serious psychological issues. I hung out, briefly, with one such chick in Germany shortly before I left the Army for good. Blonde, 25, a 7/borderline 8, tomboyish, and having a killer body, she was getting a lot of attention. Trouble is, she was an alcoholic and was constantly getting into trouble for being late to formation, work, etc. (Though often bailed out by her lazy superiors.) Some of the weird things she did when we were hanging out (and getting drunk): trying to make out with me, dropping her panties and taking a piss in the bathroom with me standing there (and thinking nothing fo it) while carrying on a conversation, weeping for no reason, wanting me to sleep with her in her bed with no touching (and no response when I tried to escalate), watching videos on YouTube on her base in Iraq that got mortarted nearly every day, telling me about how she fell in love and routinely fucked this one British solider she met at her base, and expressing cognitive dissonance through saying that she loved the Army but thought it was “fucked up” that American civilians shower the Army/military with attention.

        In short, she was a train wreck. I heard from some other guys in the unit that she sometimes “pity fucked” other guys, and was a bit of a garden-variety whore. Easy to do, obviously, given her looks in a sea of ugly and mannish chicks.

  10. “Simply put, contemporary female self-esteem is far too high”

    Great punchline, that really hit the funny spot 🙂

  11. wingman on said:

    PM, I’m over here in France for a bit, and also have traveled all over the place. I think what you so eloquently speak of is a fairly American problem. I just don’t see it like that over here. The problem too is that it’s mostly American men who’ve gone all Alan Alda in the last 3 decades. Most dudes overseas appear to behave in a more masculine way.

    If any softened up or chewed up regular guy wants to feel a little rush of masculinity, make a trip overseas. Especially to Asia.

  12. just visiting on said:

    I’ll have to agree that the frumpy entitlement princess mentality seems to be an American problem. (We have it where I live, but not nearly to the extent, and this is usually with highly attractive women.) That’s why I love visiting the States. My value goes up by 2 points, and the male attention is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.

    As for the three decades of Alan Alda behaviour, I think it depends on the culture. Here, the men by American standards would probably seem beta in their male female relationships. They don’t have to try so hard . I think this is in part because they have more opportunity to experience and display alpha to the women in their lives. With the exception of metropolitan areas, a lot of men are in trades. Many of these jobs involve risk. Leisure activities are still predominately out door. Hunting, fishing, hiking, camping ,skiing, hockey. It’s a culture where it was understood that the winters are long and cold, and sex was necessary to maintain mental health.

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  15. “They don’t have to try so hard .”

    This really resonated with me. Stateside, it’s easy to get dating fatigue, and wonder why the whole process has to be so goddamn difficult.

  16. If a girl or woman faces negative consequences because of something she did on her own volition and with her own agency, there is too often blame foisted on something else, usually the nearest man.

    On both a social and personal level. Just last night I was watching the Kardashians where Kim’s bf threw her in the ocean, she was clearly enjoying herself, then realized her expensive earings had come off in the water, then she cried and blamed him. Actually, here’s the clip:

    I’ve experienced exactly this sort of shit countless times.

  17. Timothy on said:

    Wow…you couldn’t be more on point. I’ve been saying this for years about the word “deserve,” and how it has no real place in the language because there’s no standard way by which to apply it. It’s simply opinion whether or not someone “deserves” something, and that opinion has no concrete foundation.

  18. f hunter on said:

    There is o fcourse the possibility that it is in fact the men with the inflated self worth – they hit on women who are out of their reach and then are (some may say. understandably) rejected. Arrogant men have been around for generations but super confident women is something which really only emerged in the 90’s. Given that self worth (with regards to dating eligibility) is an entirely subjective personal perspective no one has the answer to this debate & no mass generalization is appropriate.

    It is worth noting that this article is written by a man who obviously has a certain idea of how attractive he is – he is right? or is the woman who rejects him wrong? Who has the inflated self worth here?

    • Super confident is a masculine trait, not a feminine one, and such confidence reflects the masculinization of women in our culture. I know exactly what I bring to the table in the context of dating and relationships. Women think they know, but they are usually wrong because the feminine attracts the masculine. The masculine does not attract the masculine.

  19. I don’t know in the US, but in Europe I’ve come up with more than one man that thinks they, or others “deserve” something. I’ve had heated arguments with them trying to make them understand the difference between deserving and earning, and why their society is collapsing due to the “deserving” mentality, but it seems the feminist education system has done quite a good job over here

  20. Clover on said:

    It’s interesting, ’cause I was a girl who was brought up not thinking I deserved anything. I was told I could do anything, but there was always the expectation that I’d have to make my mind up and really go for it. And now I find that at 20, unlike nearly all my female friends, I’m in a stable relationship and have my finances in order. Some of my friends pity me, some have even said it’s a ‘waste’ that I’m engaged and planning on starting a family soon, but I look at them and see that they’re poor, single, and riding on the expectation that someone will love them for their personality one day in the distant future. I’d never thought of it in terms of self-esteem before, but what you say makes a lot of sense. They think they’re worth a lot for just existing, not their looks or education or money, but just for their existence…and they think someone, some day, will buy that. I call bull.

  21. Yep It's Me on said:

    I wish I had a dollar for everytime I heard that word during my marriage (and now through my separation). Although, if I did get that dollar, I’m sure she would “deserve” over half of it.

    begin rant /

    What I hate – is the any statement about the subject of “having no privacy” because the kids live with her and that she “doesn’t have her own space” — because she it saying that to the guy who would love nothing more than having his kids live with him and quit supporting her life. But of course that wouldn’t happen, because without the money I provide “in support of my kids” there wouldn’t be any money – because even two after her moving out, she still doesn’t have a full-time job.

    /rant end

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  23. Hamster Tamer on said:

    HOW did I miss this post? One of your most cogent and zinger-filled examples ever, with masterful tempo too.

    And as my Italian cousins would say “yo, had to be said…”

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