The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the day “January 3, 2013”

Does “Game” Work And Three Ways To Get It – Guest Post

I only rarely do a guest post but this is an interesting exception. A pick-up video went viral (link below) that showed a young, British guy approaching a Latina in New York City (I think). The brief encounter resulted in a real kiss between the two of them. The guy in that video is Steve Jabba and he actually contacted me.

I accepted the guest post because he and I see eye-to-eye regarding how men should be in the context of meeting and dating women. While his market is for younger men (and in England), I like many of the things his says. Bear in mind that because his audience is much younger, he’s using the language and writing style of relative youth and the nomenclature of PUA that such youth is accustomed to. I’ve edited little. Also, in no way is there a business relationship between him and I.

I get emails from guys asking me: does this PUA stuff “work” for :

  • Short men
  • Bald men
  • Old men
  • Peg legged men
  • Smelly men

(Maybe not the last two).

I think it points to a lack of understanding of what “game” is.

My three-fold definition of  a man with game:

(i)  He has successfully optimized his aesthetic .  Note optimized – this doesn’t necessarily mean “get huge!”  My view on aesthetic: go for a “look” that fits in with who you are…your identity.  For me, that’s metrosexual, well-built, a bit edgy.  Your look should be based on your interests, where you like to hang out, and the kind of social venues you favour.

(ii) He has inculcated the universally attractive masculine characteristics such as dominance, leading, persistence, honesty, standards, and boundaries. [Editor’s note – also competence, confidence, and Charisma]

(iii) Has the necessary real world experience (game tactics and techniques) and calibration (making it work depending on the environment, culture, country etc) to harness these qualities to attract hot, high quality, high self-esteem women.

Note I don’t include trashy or low self-esteem women.   In my view there is more to a woman than just her looks.

So, does “game work”…

I think the question points to the common misunderstandings about game

If the question is: can a man learn “game” (mostly tactics and techniques based) – as espoused by the some of the large PUA outfits – and use just that to consistently attract and seduce (note seduce – as in take her to bed) – hot, high self-esteem women who would be considered “out of his league” – without raising his value in other areas.


Can a man consciously raise his value and do this?

HELL yes.

NOTE : I know of the anti gamers who throw up the straw man argument that game doesn’t work because a nerd who never gets laid can’t go out and pull supermodels a couple of weeks later.  Obviously it’s an incremental process, and depends on a myriad – a very, very large myriad of qualities, that ultimately determine your potential.

So what can you do to get there and maximise your potential?

1. Start work IMMEDIATELY on the key areas that you can:

Fashion : – Get decent clothes that fit properly.

Gym : Lose flab, get in shape.  No excuses.

Height : If you’re excessively short look into height increasing shoes.  Personally I wear boots with a 1 – 1.5 inch Cuban heel and I’m a shade over 6 feet to begin with.

Approaching: Again no excuses.  Realise that you don’t need to do the smoothest pick up in the world.  Just by going up and approaching you are in the top 10%!  Some girls will just like you : as long as you aren’t a gibbering wreck you’ve got a good shot with those already.  Authenticity in and of itself has value so it doesn’t matter too much if you’re a little nervous, whatever.  It’s not optimal, but it’s better than trying gamey / routine based stuff.

If you approach in clubs: Approach in bars

If you approach in the daytime: Approach in clubs

If you approach in bars: Approach in the church.

Do something different.  Approaching in different environments is part of in “game” calibration : there is an optimal way of doing it in the daytime, in a bar, in a department store, in a nightclub. Never mind the slavish adherence to a “method” you get on PUA forums.  In the real world calibration is required and you cannot get this without doing it. Enough said, it’s been done to death but is important.

2. Mindset

I just googled how to get good with women and here are some of the suggestions:

  • Make it fun
  • Measure goals and track them
  • Grow some balls (I actually like this one)

But not much talk on mindset.  In my view, it all starts and ends with mindset.

Here is how I think about it:

Start by being brutally honest with yourself and hold yourself to a higher standard

Ask yourself where I am at now in the key areas:

Aesthetic.  Fashion.  Mindset (do I believe right to my core I am worthy of the hottest women).

Application : Do I go out and crack onto women.  Do I have a go!

Rate yourself.

Then realise this stuff is a competition.

I believe the desire for power, and the need to compete is a powerful masculine trait.  So harness it.

Sure you can talk to friends and get support.  Yes, you can read these blogs and have insights and epiphanies. But…

In my view success with women is no different to success in other areas.  There is competition, especially in the large cities.  Every guy wants his slice of the pie.

Are you going to let them get in your way? 

Use whatever strong emotion you have – a sense of entitlement, a sense of outrage, whatever – to fuel your progress.

A personal example: I am happy and content with my pick up abilities.  My focus now is on growing my business because I believe I have something very unique, very worthwhile to offer that no one else can match.

I believe I deserve to prosper from this, more so than anyone else.

When I imagine other companies in my sphere beating me and earning more money, when I see them ranking higher for a keyword term:

I want to tear them a new arsehole.  I want to destroy them with my success.  I want to beat them and put myself in their position.

This is how I used to feel about success with women.  It has to mean that much to you.  You have to emotionally engage with it.  Get obsessed!  Use outrage, use every scrap of emotion you have, including anger, to fuel your desire to get better.

NOTE : I’m not saying do Machiavellian stuff and try to bring others down.  Use that emotional power to build yourself up instead.  Critically evaluate what  they have that you don’t, then set about getting it.

Every time you have a success, measure it (use your own success metrics here – but hold to those standards).  Then next time, aim to beat that standard.  Aim higher each time.

Question everything, learn who you are, develop integrity.

If you read 100 posts on resources like this and have 1 light bulb moment that illumines your path over the next 6 months – then you’ve won.

But learn to develop the critical thinking facilities to question everything – including what you read on blogs, in newspapers, in the media.

Learn your own mind.  Delve deeper into the depths of yourself and work out who the hell you are!  What are your beliefs?  What are your standards and boundaries?  What will you put up with, and what is unacceptable to you?

Start to use this to assert yourself more and speak out.  Don’t be bombastic about it but if you don’t agree with someone say so.  Develop this into a habit.

Why?  Because it becomes reflexive, autopilot.   OWN it.  What you’ll find is that over time remaining true to yourself, your beliefs and your integrity becomes more important to you than anything else including women.  The next time you get shit tested (which by the way will decrease the more centred you become), you won’t need to reach for a clever reply –  If you think you need a clever reply to a shit test, you’ve already lost).  What will come instead will be reflexive and from your core and will demonstrate that your sense of self, your integrity is more important to you than getting access to her pussy.

Guess what effect that will have!

3. Assume she wants to fu** and escalate.

If you’re talking to a girl for a minute or two and she’s still standing there, then assume she wants to fu** you. [Editor’s note – this is a tough one for men over a certain age and who have been indoctrinated for a generation or more about never objectify a woman as a sexual being.]

If she displays any kind of emotional response to you aside from disgust / revulsion – you can work with that.

Anger is good.

Rejection is good.

“An as if” is good.

Assume she wants to fu**, and escalate.  Obviously there are degrees of escalation and calibration based on which environment you are in.  But you have to cross the Rubicon.  Even getting closer to her and putting your hand on her arm is a form of escalation.

(i) You never lose brownie points by escalating and having a go.  Doesn’t happen.  You won’t lose a damn thing by trying it on.  In fact, it’s a positive.

(ii) A rejection in the moment means nothing.  Try again a minute or two later.   If she’s still standing there, she wants to fu**.

(iv) Are you a man or a mouse?  Do you see her as a sexual being?

(v)  Make your sexual intent clear.  Look at her, imagine fucking her, and pay her a compliment specific to her.  What jumps into your head when you’re looking at her face and imagining these things?   Tell her that.  Touch her.

By doing this, you get used to it.  You take away the power of rejection.  You get used to seeing girls as sexual creatures.  You begin to see that receiving doing this is the greatest compliment you can give a girl…And she’ll love you for it.

That viral video

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