The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the day “December 27, 2012”

First Date From Online Dating – Protocol For Men

[Note: My target demographic is for a cohort over a certain age. You youngsters can sit this one out. Damned punks… get off my lawn!]

So, you got yourself a date with a woman from online dating. Of course you didn’t ask for a date, you stated it (link below). “Keep Friday evening open, I’ll take care of the rest.” That’s a confident line, right there. Do you know how many men actually show such confidence? Not nearly enough. Welcome to Club Charisma. You’ve now just entered the group of the top 20% of men.

You obviously picked something simple like ice cream or maybe a trip to the bookstore. Coffee is out because it’s been done to death and doesn’t speak well to your creativity. Dinner is also out because it’s too much cash for a first date with someone you don’t really know. A movie? Please, you’re smarter than that. Never, ever do a dinner and movie first date. You’re welcome.

So you perhaps picked a happy hour at a relatively upscale place. Happy hours are good because it’s relatively inexpensive and if the date goes really well you can segue to dinner, preferably at another pace because of reasons discussed below. But please, don’t drink too much. Also, it’s a public space so your date should feel comfortable. If she is not comfortable with a place that serves booze, think about the book store. Of course you like the bookstore, you literate SOB.

A weeknight is good for first dates because a Saturday date is too laden with formality and expectations. A first date is merely a chance to see if there is enough mutual attraction for a potential second date. Don’t overdo first dates, ever. If you do, your membership card to Club Charisma is instantly revoked.

No matter what her age, there’s at least a 50% chance she will flake. A good flake will involve a counter offer via voice or text. “Something’s come up and I’d like to reschedule for another time.” That’s a good flake because she still wants to see you. A bad flake has no counter offer. Don’t ask for one. Tell her you’ll call her another time (you won’t) or ignore the text. Then block her online dating profile. She’s done. The worst flake is when she simply doesn’t show up with no notice at all. Even grown-up women do this. Get used to it.

If it’s a weekday date after work, you should dress reasonably well. If you have a casual work environment, think seriously about changing beforehand. Showing up with sloppy dress is not cool. You’re better than that. Standing out with good clothes is a serious hallmark of a confident man.

As you’re meeting in a public place, arriving early is not a problem because it gives you time to observe other people in a social environment, that’s a learning opportunity. Arriving just a few minutes late is also an option because it signals to her that you have a full and busy life.

Before the date, arrange with a friend to call you during the date or send you a text. If she’s smart, she’s likely done the same thing. This is the “bail out!” option. If your date is obviously not going well – for whatever reason – that phone call will save you without an awkward way out. “Oh crap, I have an emergency I have to deal with, I am so sorry.” It’s a nice excuse and protects feelings. Just be aware that it can be used on you, too.

Things get sticky now. As you’re a smart online dater (link below), your profile contained honest and realistic photos. Your date, however, may have very well posted much older photos or even photoshopped photos. If she looks nothing like those photos or is too unattractive to you for some reason, you might be in a tight spot. Thankfully, you’ve arranged for the bail-out call in advance. Use that opportunity. Egregious online dating profile lies should not be encouraged. As you’ve got other options, you can move on to the next one.

The date should be light-hearted and fun. Make jokes, laugh, tease, flirt. In your conversation, avoid the heavy topics like religion, politics, and past relationships. Here’s a great rule of thumb – if you feel compelled to talk about your exes, you are not ready for dating. The same applies to her. If she starts bad-mouthing her exes, that’s a huge red-flag. Talk of the exes is a dating killer.

If you find yourself truly attracted to this woman, it’s time to ramp up your Charisma. You’ve been reading my blog, right? Now the pick up artistry (PUA) stuff applies. Use it for good, not evil. When you bounce venues and you have any time on foot, tell her to take your arm. Insist on it. It’s a bold and confident move.

If you’ve bounced to a new venue, a second date is almost guaranteed. You needn’t push for seduction. In fact, at our age, it’s rather unseemly and pushy. You’ve got the second date. To secure it, take her firmly in your arms and go for the kiss. That’s why she’s holding your arm. She’s comfortable with you. Going for the kiss is a bold and confident maneuver. Women adore that, no matter what they say. Easy on the tongue, tiger. Once the kiss is done, hit that second venue and don’t speak of the kiss again until the end of the date. You’re giving the impression that such kissing is perfectly normal to you… pre-selection, what a concept.

I’m going to bow out of the seduction potential at the end of the date. That’s not my style (as my first dates will attest) because I’m over a certain age. You do what you want. PUA will be your guide. Now is the time for post-date follow up. Text her the next day, in the afternoon. “That was a fine first date!” is the text – not a phone call. If you get a positive text in return, go for the second date and be bold about it. “Our second date will be [insert activity that you want]. That one can be dinner or something more involved…and not a movie! Dates are about the time spent together, not the activity you might be doing.

You can also expect the “you’re not the one” text. It’s always a text, I know this. Take this in stride because it happens often enough. Despite the kiss ( or even the seduction), despite your perceived attraction from her, it’s her decision to bail on the second date. It’s also your decision to do the same and pursue your other options. And you should. When a woman states that you’re not the one, you’re done. You’re toast, It’s over before it began. If you don’t like it, you’re not ready for Dating 2.0. But remember that while women are the gatekeepers to sexuality, men are the gatekeepers to commitment.

Lest my readers think that I am too pro-masculine, a future blog post will be about protocol for women regarding their first date from online dating. Warning: I will be dishing up some inside information.

Good Frame: Statements, Not Questions

Online Dating, A Short Primer

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